Rent Boy - Chapter 6

September 11, 2007 · Filed Under Rent Boy

Table of contents for Ren Boy

Chapter 6

The room was still in darkness as Gordon gazed down on the two sleeping boys. He could see them, entwined together under the covers. Billy’s head rested on top of Josh’s. Gordon could see that Josh was sleeping with his head on Billy’s chest and that he had his arm draped over the gently heaving chest. He stood there, thinking of what it must be like for Josh to be so much in love, and for Billy, who obviously had more to him than Gordon had ever given him credit for. Well, that would change, this was a new day for him, a new life really.

He could feel a tear in the corner of his eyes and they misted over as he thought about it all. How anxious he was when Billy hadn’t returned on time. How he had made light of it while his own heart was

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pounding in his chest so as not to worry Josh. Surely he couldn’t be falling under a love spell? Not at his age, it didn’t happen did it?

Here he was, in his late 60’s all ready, and just what did he have to show for it? He didn’t really have anyone who would shed many tears if he passed away today, did he now? That was sad, sure he had money and generally most of the people around him, if not all, only were around for the favors he doled out. What an epitaph that was, ‘He gave us parties and trinkets if we were good.’ Shit, that wasn’t good, but now, well now maybe he had another chance.

His gaze continued to reflect not just on the sleeping young men, but on what they had brought into his life in such a short time. For the first time in decades, he actually felt like he was really alive. He wanted to share their special joy, he wanted to know what it was like to pass those deep messages between hearts. For the first time he felt his loneliness, but somehow, standing in this doorway, it just didn’t seem to be all that empty, all that lonely.

Thoughts of how he had willingly ignored the things that made up a person went through his mind. How he had never tried to delve into a person’s life, or what they felt or needed or even what their hopes had been. Even with Billy there, he never asked him what he really wanted out of life. Not once, while they sat and watched television or listened to music, did he even try to find out what Billy thought about the events of the day. Whenever subjects came uplike that, he ignored it, or passed it off.

Funny, he used to enjoy the debates he had in school and college with his classmates and teachers about all sorts of things, but in his adult life, he shied away from the intimacy such debates brought. Maybe he was scared, but why? What had he to lose, really, that maybe people wouldn’t like him? Could be, but then, did those who surrounded him now like him or like his parties and his money? Did he really gain anything in all those years of shutting people out?

Looking at how Josh was close to Billy, how he was wrapped so carefully around was something that he had experienced, physically, but not the emotional part. By just looking at the two, you could see the deep emotional bond that existed between them, even in their sleep. Why couldn’t he have seen that before? Seen that if you wanted to be loved, to be held and be a part of someone’s life you had to let yourself be open to them?

He knew the answer; he was afraid of what such attachments involved. Long and short, he was scared that he would be found wanting and that was why he had shied away from such involvements. Now he was paying the price. There were no contemporaries to which he could unburden himself; hell, to be honest, there really wasn’t anyone of any age that he could share his feelings or concerns with.

Gordon realized that he was crying. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he hadn’t even noticed it. This was too strange for him, too much reflections, but shit, for some reason he felt reasonably happy. How could he be? He was alone in the world, he had spent a restless night tossing and turning, condemning himself for his selfishness and yet he felt relieved.

He shook his head and turned to leave the two sleeping lovers. As he was about to leave, he heard his name being called. Looking back towards the bed, he saw Josh wiping his eyes and Billy staring at him. He could see the dark eyes, the sparkle restored.

“Good morning… or I guess afternoon is more appropriate. I… uh… well, I just came to see how you were and to leave some more of this… uh… this ointment for you Billy.”

“Really? Thanks Gordon.”

“Does it hurt a lot? I mean…”

“Yeah, it still hurts… but not as bad… kind of stiff right now.”

“Yes… well… uh… that is to be expected… I would suggest that you get into a nice hot tub… help to relieve some of the stiffness.”

“Yeah… guess it would… thanks.”

“Yes… well… why don’t you do that… then you should come

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downstairs and have something to eat… how bout a nice bowl of soup and maybe a hamburger?”

“Sure… that’ll be fine. Take me a bit though… not moving too fast today I think…”

“Yes… well you take your time… come on down when you are ready and then I’ll have Manuel get the lunch together. Josh, you want to wait or you hungry now?”

“Huh? Oh… uh… well… I’ll wait I guess.”

“Hey… it’s okay Josh… go eat now if you want… I might just soak in that tub for a bit… go ahead and eat now if you want.”

“No. I’d rather wait… besides, you might need some help getting out of the tub… I mean…”

“Hehe… yeah, okay Josh. Well, guess Gordon we’ll both be down in a bit.”

“Good. Oh… here’s the ointment… now Josh… you make sure he puts a lot of it on… everywhere… but make sure he has dried off first… this stuff is no good if you put it on wet… okay? Think you can do that ?”

“Yeah… we’ll manage… thanks.”

“Well, okay then… I’ll see you two later…”

Gordon was quiet for the most part. He spoke as little as possible, instead, he just kept watching. Josh wasn’t all that hungry it seemed but at least Billy had an appetite. There wasn’t anyway for him not to notice the way Josh would keep glancing at Billy, as if afraid he was going to faint or something. Also, on occasion, he would glance at Gordon, and Gordon could feel the silent anger in Josh’s eyes.

Strange, but he never cared before what someone thought, and now he seemed to feel a deep hurt each time he caught those accusing eyes on him. Damn, his whole life had suddenly changed. Funny, but Billy didn’t seem to be angry at him. It was as if he had resigned himself to the situation, sort of like it came with the territory. But, that wasn’t right, no one should expect to be hurt as part of their due.

Yeah, there were some who liked it, and went out of their way to get hurt, but Billy hadn’t, and so it wasn’t right. He could be blaming him, maybe inside he was, but somehow Gordon didn’t think he was. There was something special about Billy, and it was time he found out more. Hell, it wasn’t so much that he wanted to, it was more like he felt a sudden need to. His whole life was topsy turvy and the confusion was something he was unused to.

The meal dragged on for an eternity, or so it seemed, but finally the plates were empty, the glasses empty and the stomachs full. The awkward silences were ripping apart Gordon’s heart. He couldn’t take

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much more of it so he made his mind up. Rather than wait till later, it was better to get this dealt with now.

“Well boys, how about we go sit out by the pool while this sun is out?”

“Huh? Well… yeah, I guess so… you up to it Billy?”

“Sure Gordon. Sounds good to me, the sun will feel good.”

They sat along the pool. Josh pulled two chaise lounges close together and Gordon took one off to the side a bit. He could see the way Josh placed himself, as if as a barrier between him and Billy. Well, guess that was to be expected. But he felt a twinge in his heart none the less.

“So… Billy… I think we should talk, do you feel up to it?”

“Talk? Yeah, I guess so… it isn’t like am on my last legs… fuck, the guy was a bit rough is all… been there before and I can handle it… why are you making such a big deal of this Gordon?”

“Billy… he fucking should make a big deal of it… it’s his fault. How can you be so casual about this? I mean… fuck you got cut… by your… well…”

“My cock? Yeah, I know… and yeah it hurt. And yes, I got burns on my dick and bruises on my ass and legs. But like I said Josh… been there… it ain’t all that bad. Least I am not in hospital this time, and Josh… it wasn’t Gordon’s fault… so lay off that.”

“Fuck, it was too his fault… you damn well…”

“NO. I mean it Josh. You can’t blame him. Sorry Gordon, he doesn’t know ‘bout this stuff… and I guess he is a bit emotional…”

“He’s right though, Billy… I guess it is my fault.. I should of known better, and really should never have asked for your help…”

“What? Now look Gordon. Come on man… I mean why shouldn’t you have asked? I mean… fuck… how else can I… fuck… look a deal was a deal… so its no big deal. I could of left without letting him… I guess… so…”

“No Billy… stop that… right now…”

“Huh? Stop what Gordon? I mean…”

“Listen to me Billy… you too Josh… even though I know you don’t want to Josh… but hear me out.”

Josh started to open his mouth when he felt Billy’s hand on his, squeezing it hard. He turned back to look into Billy’s eyes and saw the definite warning. He pleaded, urging Billy to let him, but there was no backing down in those dark eyes. They meant what they said and so Josh just nodded.

“Okay Gordon… we’ll listen but…”

“No buts Billy… I have thought about this all night and well… all day. So my mind is made up… and you know me Billy… once I make up my mind it never changes.”

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“Yes… I know that… but let me…”

“Let you what? No… please Billy, Josh, just you two sit there and listen to an old man…”

“Come on Gordon… you are scaring me.”

“Scaring you? Hmmm, I rather doubt that Billy… you have a great deal of courage.”

“Me? Uh, no… I am a natural coward… look this is weird… what is this all about Gordon? The fact I got roughed up as part of his thing or what?”

“Well… yes. I suppose in a way that is a reason… but no… not really. I guess it isn’t that it was a reason so much as a stimulant to me, seeing you like that, Billy, woke something up that had been dead for too long inside me. It made me realize some things that I have spent a lifetime running away from… let me ask you something Billy… and I want you to be totally and brutally honest in your answer… can you do that?”

“Yeah, I suppose… but…”

“Good. Now tell me, if I was to die tomorrow… would you cry?”

Billy sat there, his face chalk white from the sudden thought of Gordon dying. Was there something wrong with Gordon? Then he started to think about it, the question, and he realized that something was different about Gordon. He wasn’t as direct, as self assured as he always had been. There was definitely something different about Gordon. He stared at the rather chubby face and he could see that his answer was important. That, too, was a first; Gordon actually wanted his answer and that it would actually mean something.

His first instinct was to joke about it, but as he stared into Gordon’s piercing eyes, he knew that that would be a mistake. Then he figured he could say what was expected in these kind of situations, which was ‘yes, sure I would’ but there was something in those penetrating eyes of Gordon’s. This wasn’t the time to butter him up.

“No… no Gordon, I don’t think I would cry. I would be sad for a bit I think… but no, I don’t think I would cry… I am sorry…”

Well, he had done it now. He had been honest with Gordon. He couldn’t keep his eyes on Gordon’s and he let his head lower. There it was, he had done all he could and now in a moment’s weakness of honesty he had blown it for him and Josh. No way Gordon would let them stay much longer, if at all, and as for his help… well, that had gone a way with his stupid honesty. Damn it, why had he given in like that, it was like something had wormed its way into his brain and made him come clean. Now it was judgement time. He raised his head to see Gordon sitting there. His hands were up to his chin and his head rested on the fingertips.

The silence was deafening to them both. Josh was squirming in the

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chair, his back ramrod straight against the back, but he kept fidgeting. It was as if he could read Billy’s mind and thoughts and shared those feelings. The sound of the water in the pool gently lapping against the cement was no longer the sensual sound of yesterday.

Gordon finally got up and walked over to the small outdoor bar. He fixed himself a rather stiff drink of bourbon and took a deep pull on it. Then he freshened it up by pouring more of the brown liquid into the glass, then he walked back to face the two young men.

“Well… thank you Billy… you don’t know how much I appreciate your honesty… I really do.”

“Uh, look Gordon… I am sorry… but uh… I am not the crying type… ya know… uh…”

“Please Billy… don’t… I know that if it was Josh you would be shedding tears for days if not weeks… isn’t that right Billy?”

“Well… yes… but… shit Gordon, what did you expect me to say?”

“Hmmm… well, before last night, I would have expected you to say the opposite of what you did say. But now… now I guess it is what I expected to hear… I mean… Billy… am I a bad person?”

“Uh, no Gordon, I don’t think you are a bad person. You have your rules which are fair. So no… I don’t think you are a bad person… Gordon… what is this about?”

“Patience my boy. patience. I really am not a bad person, and I know young Josh there would argue that, and maybe he is right… to a point… well… that is going to change.”

“Change? Uh, what is this about? Really… I don’t.”

“Yes, I know that you are confused, but then I have been confused for many years, and only now am I starting to see thinks clearer. Billy… Josh… our deal… the one we made the other morning…”

“Yes? Look Gordon, I know that you didn’t bargain for me getting hurt like this, but shit man I can still keep our deal… come on Gordon… maybe not as much… for a little bit… but I mean…”

“No Billy… I am sure you could still make me feel very happy… but that really isn’t what I want anymore…”

“Huh? What is you want then… I don’t get this…”

“I don’t want to be a trick… a john… a date… I am tired of that meaningless type of relationship with you. I want us to be more than that…”

“More. I don’t get it…”

“Billy, you have sex with Josh because of the way he makes you feel, not because of anything else? Right?”

“Yes. But I… shit… we are lover’s Gordon. I told you that…”

“Exactly Billy… that’s it exactly…”

“I think he wants you to be his lover Billy, is that it?”

“Hehe… no Josh. Oh, such innocense, no, I may be old but I am

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not yet senile. I know there is no way that someone like Billy here could be my lover. Besides, he already has a lover… no… that isn’t what I want, least not in that context..”

“Well, just what do you mean Gordon?”

Gordon stood there, a drink in his one hand, the other by his side. He looked into each of their eyes, seeing in Josh anger and resentment. In Billy’s he saw only confusion and maybe a bit of concern, but he couldn’t see any hatred or recriminations. He looked at Billy, the way his body sat upright, the way his hand rested firmly onto Josh’s arm.

“I want to be your friend.”

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