Rent Boy - Chapter 10

September 13, 2007 · Filed Under Rent Boy

Table of contents for Ren Boy

Chapter 10

The whole world is a dream, and death the interpreter.

Yiddish Proverb

Gordon sat in his chair, his heart heavy with the nights darkness. He glanced upwards, towards the mantle place and he saw his rose, no longer shimmering in the reflection of love. It looked tarnished now, sad and alone on a place of honour. His eyes wandered over to the other chair, where only a few days ago sat Josh. Now it too was empty and his heart ached more.

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“OH BILLY WHY?” he cried out into the night, his shrill voice bouncing off the walls as he looked upwards.

“DAMN YOU,” he shouted, his fist raised high in anger and the fat around his jaws trembling with his inner rage. His anger real, his hurt deep, as he struggled with it all, knowing that there was no answers for him, once more.

Life was as he thought, nothing but a cruel joke and the brief time of joy he had felt, gone forever, was merely a tease to torment him, to make his latter days on this planet even more painful than he could ever imagine. How could anyone professing to be a loving being do such a horrible thing as what God had done to him.

His eyes lifted upwards, smouldering with his anger as he looked for an answer. He saw nothing upwards, and he rose slowly from his chair, glancing at the empty one by the fireplace. He could almost see them there, sitting, Billy resting on the soft leather, Josh at his feet, his young blonde face turned upwards gazing with nothing but love into the dark spirited face of his young lover. He had it all, and now he too was lost in this time called living.

He felt every year of his long life as he struggled to walk and get away from this room, this place that had known so much joy only a few short days ago, and now was a haunting reminder of just how cruel life and its creator was.

His eyes were misted, tears always lurking behind, ready to pour at a moments notice, at a sudden thought or a fleeting glance. The pool was glimmering in the star lit night as he found himself staring at the dark water. He could see the stars reflecting their luminous blues in the water.

Gordon sat, his dark suit rumpled with its long wear and his constant pacing throughout the afternoon and now evening. His tie was askew, his shirt collar open exposing his hairy chest to the night’s breeze. Once again he glanced upwards, his eyes now misted deeper in their grief as images of sweet Billy frolicking in the pool with Josh flashed before him.

His heart was near breaking, he knew that, and yet it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t end his pain or his misery as he hoped it would. Instead it kept beating, kept him living, kept him remembering all the sadness of the day.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes heaven turned.

“Why take such a young person when you could of easily taken me? Surely you don’t need him, he had so much to offer, so much to give, why? Oh why dear God are you so cruel to us? Isn’t it enough that we pray to you, look to you for our salvation? Is this how you repay us? Oh damn it… why can’t I see? Why am I so lost and so destined to be alone? Have I really been that bad of a person all these years? Couldn’t you have simply taken me? Why him? Why now? Don’t you care?”

Gordon’s words found no answers, the silence of the night continued unabated as he sat there, his head now buried in his wrinkled aged hands. The tears flowed once more and his heart continued to ache, to torment him with its sorrow as it missed the warmth that was Billy.

The harsh ringing of the phone made him start. He was startled by its incessant noise, and angry at whoever was on the other end. Couldn’t they leave him alone in his grief ? Why did people need to call him, to tell him how sorry they were for his loss? Damn it, didn’t they know that their words meant nothing that their prattling voices had no meaning to him, not now, not ever? Couldn’t they just leave him alone, let him suffer in solitude?

Angrily he picked up the handset, barking into it, demanding to know who was daring to intrude on his pain, when his jaw fell open, his eyes narrowed as he listened to the voice on the other end.

So, this was the grand plan? This was how you comfort someone? He looked upwards, his eyes narrowed as he listened to the cool professional uncaring voice on the other end, detailing how he could, if he wished, to proceed. He answered mechanically, his anger

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contained, his sorrow held in check as his eyes glared upwards into the night sky.

The stars dimmed a little as he rose up off the chair. A dark cloud seemed to pass over him, as he found himself standing calling for Manuel and for a taxi. The night grew suddenly colder for a brief second as he glanced once more heavenwards. So be it, he thought as he moved with surprising strength to the house. As Gordon walked towards the house, his hands straightened his tie, smoothed his jacket and adjusted his shirt.

As he strode into the house, his hands checked his jacket for his wallet and his fingers touched the cold metal of a trinket inside. He stopped dead in his tracks as he felt the metal shape inside his jacket. It was the locket Billy had given to Josh, the one he had meant to place within the coffin earlier today, but had been unable to do it.

Tears flowed once more down his face as his anger seemed to suddenly vanish. His heart ached in pain again, no longer pounding to the drums of anger and unreason. Gordon sat down heavily in the hallway chair, his eyes dripping with his sorrow, and yet he could see it all.

He could see Josh leaning against the wall, tears of anguish flowing from his young face, his hair matted by the grief he was feeling, his young face calling for the pendent and his own shaking fat hand finding the pendent on the floor, and gently placing it in the quaking hand of Josh.

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It all flashed before him now, the pain tearing anew at his heart. The image of the dark coffin slowly being lowered into the ground this morning, his so called friends standing there wooden faced, tears running down his face and no one else to hold him, no Billy to place a reassuring hand around his shoulder, no Josh to hold onto, to keep safe.

From deep within his soul he cried out to God, no longer the defiant one, his anger muted, just a tormented son in pain reaching for his father’s embrace. The horror of the last few days flowed around him, it tore at his soul now, poking it with fresh memories of a sobbing Josh. He witnessed the gruesome task of identifying the body at a cold inhuman morgue. All of this passed before his tear soaked eyes.

As Gordon waited for the taxi he saw it all play before him once more. The doctor’s needle jabbing into Josh’s arm to sedate him that first night, the sullen look the next morning when he brought him breakfast. The hurt look he witnessed when he picked up the pendent from Josh’s bed. The look of absolute despair that flared in Josh’s eyes as he tried to comfort him but was found wanting in the task.

His own voice echoed in his head as he had tried repeatedly to comfort Josh, and failed totally. He could see the pain that was wrapping itself around Josh as he explained the funeral arrangements and the stunned look as Josh calmly told him he wouldn’t be there.

His own anger as he yelled to the back of Josh when he stormed out of the house last night, his empty threats of ‘don’t come back’ echoed once more inside his head. His own despair at watching the remaining chance for his own happiness slamming his front door over 24 hours earlier, and now he had to deal with it all again.

Gordon managed to control the tears for the moment. His head ached; his temples throbbed as he relived his last few days in every vivid detail. The pain wouldn’t leave, never, he realized that, but it would dull in time, he hoped. As the taxi pulled up to its destination, he gathered himself, the patriarch once again, the façade once more in place as he arranged for the taxi to wait, the passing of a $50 bill assuring his ride back.

The steps felt like mountains to his fat legs, but he struggled up them to enter the cold concrete building and present his credentials at the front desk. He was directed to take a seat while the wheels were put in motion and he sat there, the memories continuing to flood his mind.

His thumb continued to rub the small pendent in his pocket as his mind continued its torment of his soul. He wished he could end it all, but he knew deep down within him that he would never have that kind of courage. He could feel the tears welling up again as his thumb felt the warm metal. It was like it was drawing him and he pulled the trinket out, to stare at its silver finish.

Somehow he managed to open it and there in front of his bloodshot eyes were two tiny pictures of happier times staring up at him. He could see the shimmer in Josh’s eyes and the deep love they contained within the body the face was attached to.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he wondered what life would have in store for Josh. How would he ever be what he was only a few short days ago. The image of a happy Josh was hard to fathom now, all he could conjure up was a tormented soul, bent on closing himself off, of erasing his memory of this time.

His heart was racing again, the tightness in his chest told him he was on the verge of a heart attack and his mind welcomed the possibility. At least then maybe his pain would indeed end, maybe then he would find his own peace.

Gordon’s eyes started to pull away, a deep sense of pain filled his whole being as his mind tried to force the eyes away, to keep them from going to that other side, the one with his picture, his face. The battle was raging inside him, his mind rebelling, trying desperately for him not to look, yet his soul was crying out for him to do just that, to look, to see the face one more time.

Slowly, his eyes turned away from the image of Josh’s smiling face and glanced over towards the other side of the open pendent. He could

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see the dark hair, the lock that seemed to always fall across the forehead, and his heart seemed to stutter within his chest. A heavy ache filled his soul, his mind yelled at him to turn away, to close the pendent.

As his fingers flexed, haltingly reaching out to close the pendent a strong hand seemed to grip his own. His eyes glanced down, to see his hand trembling, but nothing else was there, no other hand, yet he couldn’t move it, it was locked, held in check unable to move.

His soul was reaching up, his eyes were slowly being turned back towards the pendent and he could see Billy’s face coming back into focus. He wanted to run, to jump up and leave, but the same force that held his hand in check now held his whole body in place. He couldn’t move, his heart was stilled as his eyes focused fully now on the dark young face.

A chill ran down his spine as he saw the dark glittering eyes, caught so perfectly by the camera. He could peer into those dark orbs, he could see the life there, the merriment, the sadness, the hope. It all passed through his own eyes now, as he looked deep into the picture.

He saw Billy standing by the pool staring off into Josh’s blue eyes. His eyes could see the love flashing between the two young naked bodies as they shut out the world and found each other. His own heart started to pound even harder as it witnessed the deep penetrating love that was there, that was Billy.

Deep within him he could hear the soft singsong voice as it passed a tiny silver rose to his own aged hands. He could feel the love that was in the voice, the caring and pleasure that his tears had brought to the young man. His own body shook now, as he saw the warm honest smile that Billy had flash before him.

His eyes narrowed as they strove to delve deeper into the small picture held in his hand. He no longer shook; his body was rock solid, square in the chair as his mind’s screams no longer echoed in his ears. Instead he felt a strange quiet invade his whole being. The turmoil within his soul was quelled by this strange new feeling as his eyes became fixed on Billy’s. It was almost as if Billy himself was reaching out to him, urging him to look deeper, to see more than he was willing to see, to see beyond the pain and sorrow.

He sat there, unaware of his surroundings, time had no meaning any longer as his soul took charge now. The pain was softened, quieted and pushed back. His mind no longer raged in a frothing anger at God or at himself. Slowly he relaxed, his muscle no longer screwed up, tense and hard. Instead he felt at ease and suddenly he knew just exactly what he had to do.

Gordon entered the small windowless room, tasting the despair and anger that seemed to fill the room. He hesitated briefly at the doorway, feeling the hopelessness inside, feeling the anger, the torment that was

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inside, but with his new found strength, his hand clutching the small silver pendent, he entered the room.

His eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on the dimly lit room. He saw the plain table and two chairs and there in one sat Josh. He looked terrible, there was dried blood around his mouth and his eye was swollen almost to the point of being closed. His blonde hair was completely messed, hanging in dirty disarray.

A battered defiant face glanced up at him as he moved into the room’s darkness. His heart ached as he took in the torn shirt with its dried bloodstains, the pale skin showing up with bruises and welts across the stomach.

He didn’t sit down, instead he stood there, taking it all in, letting it all soak into his mind. Gordon could feel the anger coming from the slouched figure, he could even taste the fear and anguish that consumed Josh at that very instant. Yet the most devastating sight wasn’t what he could see or taste or feel, but instead was the absolute emptiness of the dull blue eyes.

Josh couldn’t stand it, the silence of the towering old man was driving him nuts. He wanted to lash out, to hurt him and yet something was holding him back. He had been fighting for what seemed an eternity but was only a few days. He stared at Gordon with blank eyes, unwilling to see beyond the physical person. The pain was just too much, the anger too consuming, too fresh, too all encompassing.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, a harsh lilt to his normal voice. He didn’t care for any of the old man’s whines or morals or lectures now, and he made it plain as possible in the tone of his voice. He was totally closed off, or so he thought.

Gordon closed his eyes briefly as the harsh words hammered at his heart. Instead of turning and running back to his own private hell, he stood his ground. Slowly he reached into his pocket, his hand grasping the silver pendent. He felt the strength, the warmth and carefully he withdrew his hand, the long silver chain bunched up in his fist, the pendent being pressed firmly into the palm of his hand.

He moved over to the sitting figure, who didn’t move a muscle, didn’t flinch an eyelash as he approached. It was as if Josh had turned into a piece of granite, unfeeling, uncaring.

Silently, Gordon stood beside Josh, he could smell the residue of vomit on the lad, and he could smell the hatred and anger that consumed him. He moved his clenched fist to lay it in front of Josh, and slowly he undid his fingers, revealing the silver pendent.

A small gasp escaped his mouth, more like a gurgle as his eyes focused on the worthless trinket, that only a few days earlier had meant the world to him, before his world had been crushed. His heart ached under the sudden sight of the pendent, and an image of a dark haired

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young man, asking him if he wanted a lift flashed before his eyes.

The pain in his heart, erased by his anger, started anew. Josh fought it, his mind rebelling at the shiny silver pendent and all the memories it now held for him. With a sudden surge of raw anger he reached up to slap away the hand that held it so lovingly. The hand flew back, the silver pendent flying out and hitting the far wall with a tiny ring.

Gordon had seen the red rage grow in the young face, and before he could move, he felt his hand flying backwards, the silver pendent leaving his palm as if it had wings. The sound of it hitting the wall echoed in his ears and yet his heart stayed still, beating normal, keeping him calm.

He looked down at the rage-constricted face, seeing the hatred that was inside of the young man. Yet he also saw the innocence, the once loving boy who had spent many a night at the foot of a chair, staring up at Billy, just revelling in his presence.

Gordon walked to the far wall, and bent down and picked up the pendent. He wiped the dirt off it and held it once again tightly in the palm of his hand. He turned to face the sullen Josh.

“If you came here to give me that junk… you are wasting your time old man.”

The words felt like they had been fired out of a nail gun, each word a nail in his soul, yet he withstood the onslaught. Instead, Gordon merely looked at Josh, at the anger mirrored in his face and he shook his head once, then slowly he walked back towards the table. The pendent was still in his grasp, still warming his heart, still leading his soul.

Slowly he walked towards the table and Josh. He stood there, the pendent in his hand and this time he stared straight into Josh’s eyes. He saw nothing there, no life, no glimmer even of hope and for a second he felt defeated, felt abandoned. Just as suddenly as the feeling of despair came over him, it vanished. His hand burned from the heat of the pendent and with a renewed strength, he reached out with his free hand, grabbing the startled Josh.

With a grip like a vice, he brought Josh’s hand up from beside his leg to lay it on the table. His fingers were like hydraulic jacks as they pried open the tight fist, forcing Josh to wince in pure physical pain. His hand held Josh’s hand now, the flesh feeling cold, yet his own feeling like a blast furnace.

Slowly and painfully Josh was forced to let his hand open and as it finally lay on the table fully extended his mind tried one last time to rebel. He struggled to raise himself up, to move away from what he knew was coming, but Gordon’s strength was no match for even his young body.

The pendent dangled slowly from Gordon’s other hand, as it carefully lowered the dented pendent onto the unwilling open palm. As

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it touched the raw flesh, it seemed to shimmer in the dim light of the room. Finally it lay there, the pendent square in his palm, the chain coiled on top.

Gordon took his hand that had held the pendent and placed it on top of Josh’s hand, then he reached out and closed the young fist around the pendent and looked up into the blue eyes of Josh.

“Time to come home son,” was all he said.

Josh had tried to back away, he had tried to not look but something was forcing him. He no longer could control his own body motions. A strange over powering force had made his face turn and stare as the silver pendent was lowered, inch-by-inch, into his now sweating palm.

The touch of the cold metal against his skin had made him groan. His heart started to pound deep within his chest, making him gasp for air. The room swayed before his dulled eyes, and his mind’s anger suddenly seemed to stop. His body shook, his legs vibrated as if he was dead centre of 9-point earthquake.

He felt his head moving back, his face no longer staring at the pendent and instead his eyes were being drawn towards the wrinkled old face before him. His head arched back, his chest heaving with the pounding of his heart. He wanted to run; to stand up and leave this torment, but his body refused his commands. His legs shook harder, his arms quivered and his whole body trembled as his eyes began to focus on the face in front of him.

Slowly he found his hand clenching tightly the small metal pendent. A heaviness came over his heart, a deep rending pain seemed to come boiling up from deep within his body when he heard the soft sounds of Gordon’s voice echo inside his head.

He knew it was Gordon’s voice; it had to be because that was who was standing there, yet it didn’t sound at all like it. It had a strangely familiar ring to it, a ring that brought his heart leaping forward, trying to push out of his chest. His eyes bulged outwards as they focused onto the glimmering eyes in front of him.

He tried to wriggle free, yet Gordon’s hand held him down. His body would not move, and his mind was screaming for him to run, to hide, as he saw Billy’s face floating in front of him now.

There was no mistaking the soft face, the dark hair, the little telltale lock dangling across one side of his forehead, it was all there, all in front of him; and the eyes, those damn eyes were no mirage, it was Billy and he felt the resistance in his mind disappear.

Slowly he felt a warmth creeping inside of him. His whole body no longer trembled but seemed to suddenly relax, to release its pent up hurt and pain. His heart slowed down as his eyes remained locked on the dark embers of Billy’s eyes.

Deep within his soul he heard a strange animal growl, a cry and he

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blinked. For a brief second he saw red, then all of a sudden it no longer was dark in the room. The dim light no longer cast a pale yellow tinge to the dingy room. Instead he felt clear, felt the blood flowing in his veins.

Josh looked back into the eyes as the words continued to roar inside of him. He could feel the coldness leave him, the anger no longer ran his mind, and the pain no longer covered him. Tears started to well by his eyes as he started to shiver. Two strong arms engulfed him and he felt himself being lifted up off the chair and crushed into the waiting body before him.

Gordon held Josh to his bosom tightly, his arms wrapped around the now heaving body. He felt his own heart singing out, feeling the pain of the boy in his arms. Tears flowed unabated down his cheeks onto the dirty blonde hair against his face.

Together they stood there, the old man crying for his loss and yet joyful for his gain. He had won, and now he could let go of his own anger and let the healing begin. Once again he could face the coming day and while there was still a deep pain, a deep emptiness inside of him, he knew that he was not going to have to face it alone.

Josh couldn’t stop his body from heaving. His whole body shook and he cried for the first time since that first night. It was as if a dam had burst and the water flowed uncontrollably down his face. The suit jacket was drenched with his sorrow but he felt at peace now.

The guilt no longer had its hold on him, the anger no longer could control him, and the pain could no longer drape itself around him. He was suddenly free of it all and yet it didn’t diminish his loss. He had loved Billy so much, so deeply, that a hole was forever in his heart; but at least he knew that in time, when his work here was over that he would be reunited with that missing part of his heart.

It had taken several hours before the two could walk out of the police station. Not once in all that time, though, had Gordon left Josh’s side. Not for one second had they not been together, Gordon’s protective arm constantly around his young charge. No amount of police officialdom could prevent him from being with Josh, and from keeping him close. Finally together they walked out to the still waiting taxi, Josh nestled under Gordon’s arm like a wayward lost son, found at last.

No words had crossed between the silence that existed between them. They merelylooked into each other’s eyes and knew that together they would survive. They knew that there was a third person, who would never leave them, no matter what and that gave them comfort as the taxi brought them back to the ancient house on the hill.

Together they entered the bedroom, Josh’s body wedged tightly into Gordon’s own rotund figure. They opened the door, to that room,

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feeling his presence and they knew it was right. Slowly Gordon took Josh to the bed, and stripped the soiled shirt from his body. He then managed to quickly find a bowl, hot water, and a cloth and he tenderly wiped away the dried blood and tended to the various cuts and marks that covered the young boy.

As if he had been doing it all his life, he bundled Josh up and made him slide under the covers, where he gently bent down and kissed him lightly on the forehead. His tucked him in, and saw that, still, Josh held the silver pendent in his hand. He rose and started to head out of the room when Josh’s tired voice reached him.

“Don’t go yet… please stay… till I fall asleep, please?”

Gordon smiled and brought a chair up to sit by the bed. Josh reached out with his one hand to let Gordon hold onto, and as they touched they both looked into each other’s eyes one more time. Between them, in both hands, now rested the silver pendent, finally at home, where it belonged.

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