The Locker – Chapter 12 (Conclusion)

Chapter 12

Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota

He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?

In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?

Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?

Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though Montana had tried to keep him out of it that just couldn’t happen. There was always someone to snicker, to call him down for being Montana’s brother and it was that which defeated his brother more than any disease could. It was that constant goading, name calling that made him weak and tired which is why the disease took hold so fast.

He knew in his heart that Montana welcomed death, that at least in death he would have peace and wrongly he also thought it would bring peace to his family. God if he only knew how much it hadn’t brought any peace. If only he could have known maybe he would have fought more, tried a bit harder to stick around. Dakota’s anger and pain grew as he sat there, seeing the light beginning to shred the dark shroud that had covered his world. How he hated the sunrise and yet his brother loved it, telling him how beautiful it was to see. Dakota hated it because it meant another day was beginning, another day in which the morons would taunt and laugh at him and at his brother. Another day of having to get through teachers who would let the jokes about gays go at best, at worst they would join in the laughter. How could he enjoy that signal of a new day when all it meant was more pain?

To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.

Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even Montana had seemed disappointed by his actions but it had saved his ass. There was no denying that and yet it didn’t give him any comfort. Sitting here now he felt like all it had done was make his whole life a lie, a sham even. Maybe that was what his father had seen when he had broken it off with Noah? Could he have known about the girls and how he had deceived everyone at school? Could he have known how he had been secretly pleased by Montana insisting he stay out of the hassles? Was that what had his father looking so disappointed in him?

Why did you have to leave me? Why?

He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having Montana nearby to answer him but he also felt a new hole inside, the place where Noah had touched. His whole body shook as he cried for what he could have had and for what he had lost. He couldn’t understand why things were this way but he knew that he hurt, that the pain inside was too much for him. For a second or two he wished he could be with Montana now, wish that he were next to his brother by that tree instead of here.

You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have

He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to Montana. He had struck out at them hard, acting like it was a slur that they thought he might be like his older brother. He had done the best acting job and yet why did he always feel so dirty afterwards? Why hadn’t it seemed like a big joke, the gay kid fooling the straight boys?

It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?

Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?

Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?

His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.

No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that Montana had known it too. His eyes were blurry as he stared upwards.

Was that why Montana? Did you know I would cave? Is that why you insisted I act like I was straight ‘cause you knew I was afraid?

Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure Montana had fought it and where had it gotten him? How many times had he come home all battered and bruised? Sure he had shaken it all off, calling them jerks or puffing his chest out and saying that they should see the other guys. It always was guys too, never guy because it never was only one but a pack. How many times had he turned the corner to see three or four guys standing around waiting and how many times had he turned and walked the other way?

The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what Montana had wanted, but had he? Was he really just doing what Montana said or was he using that as an excuse for not doing what he knew he should have? Was he doing what his dad said, using an excuse to make it all seem right when deep down he knew differently?

The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.

His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.

There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see Montana again or not.

The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?

Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny, Montana had told him that the morning was the best because it meant a whole new chance at changing things but he never saw it that way. To him it was just another reminder of what lay ahead and the fears and pain that it would bring to him and his family. No the morning wasn’t beautiful or comforting to him and yet standing there, he couldn’t help but admire its strange beauty. Something about the morning had made Montana happy but what was it? Was it the golden rays piercing the darkness or was it something else?

What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me Montana, please, tell me

Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?

He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that Montana saw that gave him such hope? What was it that let him get up each morning and go to school and face those assholes? His body shuddered as the sobs came from deep within his body. The pain of losing his brother grew harder to accept as he felt himself coming closer to the edge, felt his body leaning forward a bit more towards that point of no return when the wind picked up from behind him. He could feel it pushing against his back and somehow he fought it, holding himself that brief distance from the edge.

The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First Montana and now Noah too, what else was there left to be taken from him? He had nothing else left but himself and maybe that was just it, maybe it was time that too was gone so at least the pain could end?

Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday. Montana had already been taken from him already and that loss would never get easier to accept. His father was already disappointed in him and already feeling one loss, staying only adding to his pain and his mother’s pain. As for his sister, she had to struggle to keep their secret from everyone and in his heart he knew how much it worried her. She would give anything not to spill it but he knew that it was beyond her abilities to control. Eventually it would come out and then she would feel responsible. There was no solution for any of it, all he could see was more pain, and more emptiness as he began to let the wind move him along.

It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in Hollywood or in some storybook. It would have been nice to be Noah’s white knight and come to his rescue and save him but that just didn’t happen in real life. He wished he could have what he had always wanted, wished he could walk down the street holding hands with Noah. Strange, he had always had that dream but never had a face to put with it. All the guys he had known never quite fit the bill and yet the instant he had seen Noah his face filled the blank one of his dreams. How could just one look touch him so much and give him such warmth that not even the sun could equal it?

His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.

There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.

He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.

The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?

Monday – 8:10 a.m. – Noah

Despite the puffiness around his eyes he didn’t mind the sun’s glare as he scanned the parking lot. He still wasn’t sure what he would say or how to act when they met but he couldn’t just let it go. He had wanted to so many times last night and yet each time when he had made up his mind to just ignore Dakota he got that feeling inside that wouldn’t let go.

His dad was driving him and hadn’t even objected when he had asked him to drive slowly one more time around the lot. Strange how silent his dad had been all the time driving here and even now. It was kind of freaky if he wasn’t so intent on finding Dakota’s car. The whole weekend had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of strange emotions and happenings. Noah still wasn’t exactly certain what had happened yesterday, and a night of fitful sleep didn’t exactly give him a clear head to try and figure it out but somehow he knew there was more to it than what Dakota had said. Hell even his own father had said so on the way home from the cemetery and a lot more too.

Christ it was strange listening to how his dad had told his mom about Dakota suddenly dumping him. It was almost as if his dad was outraged that Dakota couldn’t see what a catch he was. Man if he didn’t hurt so much inside he would have burst out laughing at the way his dad spoke about Dakota. Even his mother sort of smiled at his tirade about Dakota even though you could see her relief as well.

Nothing made sense to him and even now, making his dad drive around to see if Dakota’s car was here was just as nuts as everything else seemed to have been. Deep down in his heart he knew that Dakota didn’t think of him as some trophy fuck or whatever it was called. He knew in his heart that they had something special together and if he could just figure out what had happened, maybe he could find a way to fix it. He just couldn’t let it go like everyone told him too, or seemed to want him to do.

It was kind of weird listening to his mom telling him he’d get over it, that obviously Dakota wasn’t the type for him or how she had commented that he just didn’t know a good catch when he had one. Man it was weird how parents could flip flop so quickly. Sort of gave him a headache from the spinning it caused. One minute they were yanking him away from Dakota and all that meant and the next they were calling him down for doing what they had wanted in the first place. Geez it was confusing but then as he turned to look at his father, he realized that maybe they had just been scared by him being gay cause they hadn’t a clue what it was.

“I guess you can let me off here”

He could see the hungry look in his son’s face. It was weird to see how desperate he looked as he scanned the parking lot and walks. Hell even he was doing it too and yet part of him was glad that they hadn’t found the car. It was still a mystery to him as to what had happened and he wondered if it was his fault? After all if he hadn’t gone there in a temper things might be a lot different for his son now.

“You sure? I can go around again?”

“No it’s okay, besides it might uh, you know”

“Make them ask questions?”

“yeah”

“Okay, uh, you okay son?”

Funny how worried his dad seemed about him and yet even as they had driven around the lot he kind of thought his dad was happy they didn’t find Dakota’s car parked anywhere. He had to admit in some ways he was happy to and also worried. God if this was love he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. To feel the anger he had at Dakota had scared him but not as much as thinking that he would never be able to touch Dakota again. It all had an eerie feel to it, like there was something missing but he wasn’t certain what. All he knew was that since about shortly after 5 this morning he knew in his heart that he needed to see Dakota again, no matter what. He didn’t care if everyone in school knew he was gay; just as long as he could talk to Dakota again or at least see him.

“I guess, not sure really”

“You still believe you and he are meant for each other, don’t you?”

“Huh? How… yeah I do, dumb huh?”

“I don’t know, guess it depends on why you feel that way”

“I wish I knew why, might help me figure it all out”

The whole idea that his son was having sex had frightened the hell out of him and his wife. Still it was strange to think that when he was Noah’s age it was all he could think about too. Things hadn’t really changed in some areas but in others it had. There was no way he even knew about gay back when he was 16 or what kind of sex that was, but maybe it was simply not discussed then like it was now? Still, the idea that his son was actually engaged in it brought up a lot of worries.

Looking at Noah this morning he had seen the hang dog expression, that sort of look that said how sad he was feeling and desperate too. He just found it hard to still believe that it was over another boy but it was. There was no doubt about it but it still took him a bit to accept it. There were moments too when he felt if only it was over a girl then he’d know how to handle it, but over another guy made him feel more out in the cold than anything. How do you comfort your boy about maybe losing another boy? Was it like being dropped by a girl, which was something he had experience in, or was it different?

“It uh, I mean it isn’t because of the… well you know, because of the sex is it?”

Why did parents always think it was about sex? Christ he had other things on his mind other than Dakota’s dick or so he thought. Sure he had thought about that part earlier and even when fighting with his folks he had thought about the sex stuff. After all it had felt awesome to be a part of Dakota like that and yet it felt different than what he had expected. It wasn’t like earlier that day either, but whatever it was, it felt right and now look at how it had turned out? God he must be nuts to think that just cause he found a way to take it meant they would be together forever, but well, something made him feel that way. If it wasn’t the sex, what was it? Why did he feel this way if all it was about was sex?

“I suppose in some way it is, but no Dad, it isn’t cause he was good or great or anything like that really, it was, I don’t know, sort of how I felt when near him like that, sort of… I don’t know if I can explain it”

Nathan glanced at his son and saw the way the eyes were glazed. For a moment or two he could see that look that reminded him of his own wife at times. She would get a sort of far off look too and he knew that she was thinking of him or of a time they had shared together. That was the same look Noah had now and it struck him just how similar it really was. Being gay obviously had some differences but maybe that was simple mechanics, because if that look was any indication, love was the same for gay boys as it was for straight boys. He could remember feeling that way and still did feel that way when it came to his wife.

“I think I understand, it is kind of how I feel when with your mother”

“Really?”

“Yes, I just didn’t, I guess love is love huh?”

“I guess”

“Hurts like hell too doesn’t it?”

“Yes”

“You know maybe he isn’t going to come to school today, I mean maybe he is just too…”

Noah knew his father meant well but he really didn’t want a lecture on how this was maybe for the best or even how Dakota wasn’t the right one for him. All he knew as in his heart he still cared and loved Dakota. That was all that really mattered in the long run so he wished his dad would just let it go, give him some peace. He knew he was only trying to help but it wasn’t. He looked at his dad and spoke in a sort of exasperated voice, feeling tired as he tried to once more explain how he was feeling.

“Dad please, right now I still think I love him, for whatever that is worth, I don’t want to…”

“Give me a chance son, okay?”

He knew his father was only trying to help but he just didn’t understand. Noah knew he needed to see Dakota if for nothing else than to see if what he had said yesterday was really how he felt. Maybe he was just confused or maybe there was something else going on that Dakota didn’t want to tell him? All sorts of things were running through his mind and his father’s advice just wasn’t helping. He didn’t have a clue as to what it could be, or how things were different if you were gay. Christ this whole thing could about Dakota worrying about AIDS or something, how would his father be able to help him with that?

“I am trying dad, just that…”

“I know, you are confused and worried and angry all at the same time, but listen to me, okay?”

“I’ll try”

“Good, what I was going to say is that maybe he’s just scared, or maybe, just maybe he’s afraid he can’t go through all that could happen, he did already lose a brother you know, maybe he’s just afraid he’s gonna lose you too”

“Hell of a way to show that”

“Yes it is, but life can beat you down if you let it”

Funny he had this image of Dakota and yet maybe his dad was right? He had no idea what it must have been like to lose a brother or to go through the shit that must have happened in school. Something about that made him squirm a little because Dakota seemed to know a lot about that and yet, he couldn’t remember seeing any marks or such on him. How did he keep out of it or did he? Could his father be right that he was just worn out from what went on?

Nothing really made much sense to him. Shit Dakota had come to him that first night, how could he suddenly change right after they had sex? Could it be that he really was that bad or maybe he had done something wrong? Noah had tried to figure that out, hell he even had written a note about it to leave in the locker, hoping that maybe it might get Dakota to at least discuss it with him. He just wished he knew the answers was all, that was maybe the worst part of all this, the not knowing.

“I just don’t get it, he comes across so tough, so together, how can he be afraid of what they’ll say?”

“I doubt if it is that simple Noah, I know how much it frightens me, and I am a lot older than you or him, plus, think about how much he must have gone through with his brother coming out? That had to be tough for him”

“I suppose”

“You know it had to be, maybe he is just tired of fighting Noah, did you ever think about that?”

“But who says he has to dad? I mean it isn’t like I am planning to announce how I feel about him on the PA…”

Nate could see the deep worry written all over his son’s face, which made him quiver a little. He could only guess at what his son must be wondering but in some ways Noah might be mature for his age but in other ways he was still just a boy. People had a nasty habit of finding out your secrets and if it was something like this, well he could only imagine how rough it could get. His primary concern was Noah and yet he found himself worrying about Dakota as if somehow he was part of their own family.

God how things could change overnight. Saturday all he could think about was how much he would like to throttle that Dakota and now here he was worrying about him just about as much as he was about his own boy. Strange how a parents instincts could just take over.

“Maybe it isn’t you he’s worried about”

“Huh? Well who then?”

In a lot of ways this whole gay thing was no different than for people like himself. He could see the similarities in the pain of a relationship and youthful desires being no different than when he was growing up. The real difference he realized wasn’t that it was about two guys but that it was how other’s looked at it. In many ways it was no different than how the world used to view mixed race relationships. He had seen the clips back then when many whites were so outraged at a man or women dating a person of colour that in some instances they would take the person to the bushes and whip them to death or just plain hang them. He shuddered as he realized just how this was the same thing, isn’t that what happened to some poor kid out in Wyoming?

Looking at his son he began to see him and Dakota in a totally different way. His heart shuddered a few times as the realization of what might happen wasn’t some fantastic improbability but was very real. He grew frightened for his son and realized that perhaps Dakota had realized all this as well. To think that some 16 year old had to consider whether to be in love and risk death was something he just couldn’t fathom himself having to deal with. How could any 16-year-old make rational decisions with that kind of future looming at him? Was this the new kindler and gentler world that his President had spoken about?

“Maybe himself? Maybe he doesn’t think he can keep how he feels for you hidden? It is possible you know”

“But he is so strong, I mean he came… I mean he is the one who came after me, I was to chicken shit to even… well…”

“I know, uh, did you ever think that, well sometimes us guys, we act strong when really we are just petrified senseless, maybe he even didn’t realize how deep things would get so fast, it happens you know?”

“I guess, still, why did he have to say those things? I mean am I being a sap for believing what he said before or not believing him now?”

“Son I wish I knew, I don’t, only you and he know that answer”

“But how do I find out?”

“I guess you’ll have to ask him, won’t you?”

“I can see that now, I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I do then?”

“I think for starters Noah that maybe I should pick you up after school…”

The sudden change in his father’s voice startled him a bit. It was like his dad suddenly knew something and didn’t quite know how to tell him. Noah felt like he had to talk to Dakota but how? It wasn’t going to be easy around school and somehow he didn’t think Dakota would let him go with him after school, so what was he going to do? His dad was right, he did need to talk it out but how?

“Huh? Oh I can walk home, it’s okay…”

“No, I mean that you should maybe leave it for today, then after school I’ll drive you over to his place and you two can talk in private, I don’t uh, well I don’t think this is the kind of thing you should talk about around here, you never know who might hear you two”

“I didn’t think of that… you’d do that?”

“Yes”

Everything was moving so fast in a strange way. One minute he had a boyfriend who he loved and a family that wanted him to be straight not gay and the next minute he didn’t have a boyfriend but a family that was accepting him for being gay. It was like he was on a roller coaster or something and all he was getting out of it was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Noah felt confused by the sudden switch in his father, and yet he could tell that he meant it. He really did seem like he cared for how it all turned out between him and Dakota. It just didn’t seem to make sense to his mind but in his heart there was sort of weird warmth, like all this was how it was supposed to be.

“Why? I mean, the other night you didn’t even want me to see him anymore, I don’t get this turn around, it is just… I mean I like it this way compared to uh the other night, but…”

“I know, it confuses me too, I guess what it comes down to Noah is that you are my son, how can I not be here for you?”

“Do you think his dad had anything to do with this?”

“No, I didn’t get the impression but it is possible. I think if I can, I’ll try to talk to him too, maybe he and I can get to the bottom of all this”

“I don’t know what to say… I mean all the things I said to you the other night… I just… I mean now you…”

“Noah, you were angry, so was I, we both said things in the heat of the moment, bottom line is you made more sense than I did, so, well, let’s just chalk that one up to a learning experience for us both, okay?”

“Okay”

Nate could see the wheels turning inside his son’s head. The way his eyebrows arched upwards when he was thinking hard about something or the way his jaw would get a certain set to it. All of that he could see now and at the same time he felt a sense of pride in the boy. His own dad used to tell him how he would look at him at times and see a carbon copy of him at that age, but that was wrong. Noah may have some of his traits but he was all original. There was no copying there and it made him proud. It was like in seeing the determination in his son he could see that somehow he and his wife had done okay in raising him. They had instilled something that had value beyond the basics, but it still worried him.

Maybe the hardest part of the whole weekend hadn’t been finding out that his only son was gay or that his son’s love interest suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. The hardest part was finding out that in this most important part of his son’s life, he hadn’t felt safe enough to come to them. That had been the part that had hurt the most and also was what perhaps made him see Noah for who he really was.

“Look, I know this is confusing to you, but, well the thing is son, I don’t have a clue about this gay stuff but I know one thing, I never want to give you the idea that you can’t talk to me, if anything the other night has shown me and your mother that maybe we took that for granted, we won’t again, I promise you that. I can’t promise we’ll understand, but we will try and no matter what, at least we will listen, okay?”

“Okay… uh… dad?”

“Yes?”

Noah stared at his dad and he could feel the love there. He had felt bad about not telling them about how he was feeling before and maybe if he had, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand on the weekend but he never really knew how he stood with them. Sure they always told him how much they loved him but how do you know when that is true or not? Christ how many parents told their kids that and then when the kid did trust them to say something, the kid was tossed out on the street? How could he have known?

All he knew now for certain was that what he had always hoped he had with them, he knew he did now. They had yelled and screamed but then most parents usually do until they calm down. The lucky guys like him then get a chance, the unlucky one’s he guessed found other ways to survive. He wondered for a moment how Dakota’s folks had handled finding out about him and his brother but the fact that Dakota was still living there gave him his answer at last. Suddenly he just didn’t feel so hopeless; at least he knew he had a home to go to, no matter what.

“Thanks, uh, I get out at 3…”

“I’ll be here”

“But work, I mean you are going to be late as it is and…”

“I took the day off”

“Huh? Why?”

“I think because, well, I think it is more important that I be around today, is all, just in case”

“Thanks”

He watched his father pulling away from the curb and smiled a little. Even at 16 it felt kind of nice to know that your dad was still there if you needed him, which he hated to admit but he did he need him. As the car left his sight he began to feel alone and frightened for no reason. Each time someone would walk by him he would start to shiver a little, wondering if they knew his terrible secret or if they would guess it.

It was not really new to him, to feel this skittish and yet in some ways it was. Every person he passed would cause him to lower his head as if studying the floor and yet he kept stealing glances at them. His paranoia was eating at him as he struggled with the emotions that were boiling inside. He still didn’t believe Dakota and yet he wasn’t here, so maybe he was telling the truth? Yet even as he tried to let that thought take hold his heart kept fighting it. In some ways he thought he knew the answer, thinking that Dakota was worried for him but he was smart enough to know it was more than that, but what? That is what ate at him as he walked down the hallway distracted.

The collision wasn’t much, just a bump really and he looked up already saying sorry when he saw the red eyes and angry glare that came from them. Shit, just what he needed as he stared into Hector’s angry face. How could things get any worse he wondered as he mumbled his apology and tried to slink off but was roughly grabbed by the shoulders and turned around.

“Hey jerk you don’t get off that easy”

“I said I was sorry”

“Sorry don’t cut it shit face”

He had seen how others were stopping, many of them pointing at him and no one seemed upset by how Hector was talking to him. In some ways it was like they only wanted to see a show and in other ways it was that they were just glad it wasn’t them being picked on. No one moved in to help, which surprised him a little as he stood there, feeling helpless and very much alone. Inside he wished that Dakota was here and then it struck him, if this was how it was now what would it be like if they ever did find out about him and Dakota? He became even more scared as he tried to back away, to diffuse the situation.

“Look Hector, not today okay?”

“Oh? Listen to you, what’s the matter little boy, mommy forget to give her little baby a good bye kiss this morning?”

“Just leave me alone, okay? I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

“Want? Nothing baby boy, not from some mama’s boy like you”

Hector laughed and reached out to muss Noah’s hair. Noah flinched and pulled back and as he did he tripped a little, his hands letting go of the notebook in his hands and it fell to the floor scattering the papers all over, some of which landed by Hector’s feet. His eyes were brimming with tears as he wondered why some people had to pick on others to make themselves feel good. Hector was a jerk but everyone around was laughing and snickering, just like Dakota said it would be. He felt the pain of knowing that he wasn’t very brave, that he really didn’t want to fight and yet he knew it was coming to that.

“Oh the little baby dropped his book, what a shame, here let me help you pick it up”

“It’s okay, I can do it”

“Oh come on, I don’t want to make you go running home to mommy cause I wasn’t a gentleman, now how would that look? Hmmm?”

“I said it’s okay”

“What’s the matter baby boy? Something you don’t want to share with your friends, we are your friends aren’t we?”

“Yeah sure, whatever”

“Now is that nice? I ask you, I think baby boy is lacking in manners, didn’t your mommy teach you manners?”

“Lay off Hector, you have had your fun”

“Fun? Are you saying I made you drop all those papers? How rude, and here I am simply trying to be a good conservationist, keeping my school clean and tidy”

Hector bent down and picked up a handful of papers and stared at Noah, seeing the fear in his eyes, which only made him grin more. He was about to crumple the papers up in a ball to throw into the wastebasket when something caught his eye and he stared at the writing on the paper. His eyes narrowed as he read the first few lines and then glared at Noah. His nostrils flared as he reached out suddenly and pushed Noah backwards, sending him into a group of other students.

“Well well, no wonder baby boy didn’t want any help. Hey everyone listen to this, it is to someone baby boy must think is pretty special, oh listen to this…

I don’t know what I did wrong that got you mad at me, I am sorry if I wasn’t good enough or if I should have let you be the one on top, all I know is that it felt so right when you pushed into me..

Christ we got us a real sick faggot here. Hey Noah, or is that Nora maybe? You get laid by some dude huh? Man you faggots make me sick… doesn’t it piss the rest of you off? Having one of them here?”

He stood there in total fear as he heard his words being spoken aloud. It was a note he had tried writing to Dakota and he felt the pain in his heart as he heard the pathetic sounding words. Panic ripped at him as he tried to remember if he used Dakota’s name or not and all he could think about was to get the paper and run. He tried to snatch it out of Hector’s hand but was pushed back by the stronger boy. His heart was thundering as he found his voice.

“That’s private… leave it alone”

“No way, it was all over the floor faggot… tough shit, let’s see what else it says, maybe we’ll find out who this other faggot is or you gonna save me the trouble? Huh? How about it, you gonna tell me or maybe you need some manly persuasion?”

All he could think about was how Dakota had warned him and here it was, not even an hour into being at school and he had already slipped up. God if Dakota had been here it would have been worse and he thanked his stars that at least he had somehow managed to keep Dakota out of it. He reached once more for the paper, but was thwarted as Hector glared at him, tiny drops of spit starting to show around Hector’s lips.

“Fuck off Hector, leave me alone, I don’t…”

He didn’t see it coming but he felt it the instant that Hector’s fist connected with his face. The pain was blinding as was the strange lights that seemed to suddenly spring up in front of him. He could hear a strange animal howl echo in his ears as he staggered backwards, unsure exactly what had happened. He could feel the pain travelling up and down his spine as he hit the back of a locker, the lock digging hard into his back.

Noah’s hands were at his side when the second punch landed square into the middle of his stomach. He felt the air leave his lungs and his body lurch forward. There was something oozing from the side of his face but all he could think about was how much he hurt. The pain was intense inside and he could hear himself coughing as the third blow landed. He only saw a blur as he saw something big and pink come from what seemed like the ground. His eyes bulged out as he saw it coming towards him and he started to try and turn away and lift his face at the same time but the pain in his belly held him in check.

The blow landed off centre and he could feel his head snap to one side, following the force of the blow up and to the left. His head snapped back and struck the hard metal of a locker and he felt the double blow of pain reaching for him. His heart was racing with panic as he felt himself slumping to the floor. His legs had given in to the pain and he couldn’t even feel them as he slowly slid down the rough metal door to rest finally on the cold floor. His eyes were open but blank as the pain seemed to be everywhere inside of him. His head was throbbing from a thousand places it seemed and he could feel the tears falling down his cheek.

“Not so mouthy now are you faggot?”

He thought he heard the words but his mouth was too swollen for him to say anything as he stared up at the towering boy who now stood over him. He felt the pain inside growing as he tried to back away but there was no where for him to go. All he could see was the angry face peering down at him and he wished he had never come to school today, wished that he had never been born as he stared open mouthed at Hector. Off to one side he saw a familiar face and suddenly he thought that it would all be over now, that at least he would stop it. His head turned to stare fully at the other person who now moved in and stared at Hector then at him lying on the floor.

“Fuck Hector, you losing it?”

“No, shit read this Rusty, I was right all along, he’s a fucking faggot man”

“Come on, just cause he wore a dress…”

“Shit, read for yourself, it’s his, go on… read it dude then tell me I am losing it”

Rusty took the paper from Hector’s hand and looked down at Noah. There was something pathetic really about Hector and yet as he read the page his own blood grew hot. Christ was this for real? He stared at the words on the paper and then at Noah lying on the floor.

“Fuck, you really write this Noah?”

He didn’t know what to say. The look on Rusty’s face was cold looking and blank too. It scared him and even if he wanted to say something, the pain in his jaw and cheek wouldn’t let him. He just nodded even though that too caused him fresh jolts of pain that made him shake.

“Christ… man you are sick, all this time I been sticking up for you, man you are one fucked up idiot Noah… who is this guy? It isn’t that fruit you been hanging out with is it, that Marvin jerk?”

The look on Rusty’s face didn’t register with him. All he could think about was not letting them know it was Dakota. He could see that Hector would try something and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t let them know. He clenched his teeth feeling the taste of blood now as he struggled to be heard.

Somehow he found the strength to pull himself up so he leaned a little against the bottom of the locker. His body was shaking as he tried to speak and finally in a hoarse whisper was able to talk, desperate now to make Rusty understand and to make sure no one suspected it was Dakota. He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what as the pain raced up and down his shuddering body.

“No… no it isn’t… it isn’t anyone from here… Rusty please, I think my… please…”

Noah had reached out, his hand reaching out for Rusty’s leg. He tried to tug at the cuff but instead of getting help, he saw the foot pull back. The disappointment was only beginning to register when his eye noticed the foot returning, but it was coming back at him with a force. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he saw it come striking out at him and catch him square in the chest. He felt the runner strike him hard to one side of his chest, sending him reeling backwards to bang once more into the bottom of the metal locker. His head snapped back again, hitting the metal again as did his back.

“Don’t’ fucking touch me you dirt bag, Christ… I stood up for you, man what an idiot I was. Fucking faggot!”

His foot reared back once more and then he sent it forward again, this time catching the slumping Noah in the side. Everyone standing around heard the sudden whoosh of air escape Noah’s lips and the sound of a dull crump noise as Rusty’s foot made contact with the soft flesh of Noah’s side. Some where looking away while other’s had a strange glint in their eyes, enjoying the spectacle of one of their own being beaten up.

“I told you dude, didn’t I tell you?”

“Yeah Hector you did, shit, sorry man I should have known…”

“Well least we know now, hey momma’s boy, you getting my message?”

Noah stared at the two boys and all those who were standing around watching. He knew most of them and couldn’t believe the expressions on most of their faces. It was just like Dakota had said it would be like except for one thing. At least Dakota wasn’t here to see it; he doubted if he could handle seeing Dakota standing with all those others.

“I think he’s got the message loud and clear Hector”

“I don’t know, I think he might need a bit more education on that, perhaps…”

Rusty stared down at the battered boy and shook his head at Hector and reached out, wiping the tip of his sneaker on Noah’s leg, cleaning it of the blood that had spilt on it. He had to admit that it was pretty stupid of Noah to carry something like that paper on him but then fags weren’t exactly bright. After all, choosing to do guys when everyone knew it was just plain wrong wasn’t exactly something a smart person would do. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into Noah’s lap, taking Hector by the shoulder in a brotherly way.

“Cool it man, you made your point, besides, a teacher could come by anytime, I think its time to let your lesson sink in a bit”

“Yeah I suppose… fuck you are lucky baby boy, if this was outside… you say anything, I mean anything and this will just be a sample of what I’ll do to you, you got that baby boy?”

Noah couldn’t speak but he nodded up at the two boys. He could see the delight his agony seemed to give Hector, which he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was to see some of that same delight in Rusty’s face. He had thought Rusty was a friend, was someone who would understand if he ever did find out. Dakota had been right about that too it seemed. He wasn’t sure which hurt more, the pain from Hector’s blows or the kicks from Rusty? Maybe it was the pain he felt from seeing all of his so-called classmates standing around watching, none of them even daring to move and help him. God, no wonder Dakota had backed off, he had known how it would be.

He saw Rusty take Hector by the shoulder and head off down the hallways. He could see the way Hector was gesturing that he was showing Rusty how he had hit him that first blow and as he watched, he saw how others simply moved on, the show over for the moment. Noah laid there watching them all walk away, no one stopping to even glance down at him or to even see if he was alive. He couldn’t believe it really and the pain was growing as he tried to just breath. His legs were numb and he felt a hot burning sensation each time he took a breath.

Suddenly he saw two feet in front of him and he managed to look up. There was some guy he barely knew standing there looking down at him and he tried to talk, but the pain only made him moan.

“Move it faggot, you are blocking my locker”

He didn’t know what to do, the guy was glaring at him and he felt like he was once more going to get hit. Tears were rolling down his face as he tried to push himself aside from the locker when a pair of hands reached out and pulled him away from the new threat. He felt the pain lancing up his shoulder and down his back as the person pulled him a few feet Finally he let go of him and he turned his head to see who had come to his aid but the tears seemed to be too much for him. He could barely see and yet he tried to focus.

“Christ Noah, you okay? SHit that is a stupid question, uh, look, don’t… fuck, just uh hang on, I’ll go get a teacher, man you are bleeding something fierce, hang on Noah, okay?”

He recognized the voice and just nodded, feeling a little bit better at the sound of a friendly voice. He could hear himself wheezing and yet he couldn’t find the strength to talk as he saw Marvin running down the hallway towards the office. At least he had be spared this and he slumped over, the pain making him lose conscientiousness.

Monday – 12:50 p.m.

Marvin stared out at the crowded assembly and felt sick to his stomach. He had seen the way they had carried his friend out this morning to the nurse’s room and then later the ambulance that had come to take him. God what a crazy fucked up world he had thought and yet at the same time he secretly felt relieved that it hadn’t been him. Strange how he had felt such hatred and anger when he had found Noah about to be kicked again and yet how glad he also felt that he hadn’t been there.

Even now he wondered how it all would have gone down if he had been there. Would Hector have dragged him into it too or would he just do his usual pushing and taunting? Somehow he felt he’d be in the next stretcher if he had been there but then he felt guilty for not being there. Noah needed him and he hadn’t been around but then if he had, would he have helped? It bugged him even now wondering that as he watched how everyone acted so normal, like nothing had happened this morning.

The police had come and there had been a big assembly and not a single person had stood up and pointed at Hector or Rusty. Of course no one would point to Rusty, after all he was a God to them all, their leader in sports and in everything else. How could what he did be wrong if he was a God? Shit it made him sick to think about and yet here he was, sitting there looking on and worse, he hadn’t said a word either. The teacher he had grabbed had asked, the principle and even the Nurse but he simply shook his head saying he didn’t know. Fuck he was really no better than them or maybe worse because Noah was his friend. How could he do that to him, let the creeps who did it get away like that?

Everyone in school had talked about it, the way some of them described it only made it seem even more unreal to him. Some were laughing as they talked about how Noah fell to the floor or how he was begging Rusty to help him. Man couldn’t they see how wrong it was or was it just that they liked the blood and sport of it so long as it wasn’t them on the receiving end? Did any of them really care about anything that counted? How could they have stood around cheering or worse, saying nothing and doing nothing?

Sure the Principle had made a big speech about they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour, even promised that they would find out who had done it but in his heart Marvin knew they wouldn’t even try. Only way would be if Noah’s parents raised a big stink and somehow they didn’t seem the type. Hell they probably didn’t know until now but still, there was that note too. God how stupid could Noah be to have written that and have it with him? Didn’t he know by now you didn’t put anything like that in writing and you sure as hell didn’t have it at school where someone could find it. Christ he really must be in love or something to have written that, and he wondered who it could be?

There was no way he bought the story that it was some guy who didn’t go to the school and he searched the crowd of classmates to see who it might be. At first he might have suspected Rusty because Noah always seemed to go a bit wonky when Rusty was around. It was hero worship that he hated to see but then Rusty had taken the boots to Noah, so no it wasn’t him. So who could it be? Even as he tried to guess he couldn’t keep his mind on it. The way Hector and Rusty were being treated only infuriated him more but he knew there wasn’t shit that he could do. Sure he could rat them out but he had seen what Noah looked like after. There was no way he wanted to look like that and he wondered if maybe he could transfer out?

It just seemed so hard to even think about continuing here but would his parents let him? He doubted it, they weren’t exactly the type who understood. He could hear his father now, telling him he better stay put and get used to it or else change. Man what crap that was but as much as he wished he could change, he just couldn’t. How many times had he sat up at night alone praying for just that? He lost count a long time ago as he stared down at his plate, wondering if Noah would be okay and what would happen next. He knew that maybe for a day or two he was at least safe, but how long before they would target him? How long would it be before they realized that they could beat a fag up and get away it that it would be open season on him? He shivered a bit as he wondered how he would be, if he could ever handle getting beaten up like Noah had when he heard the sudden silence.

Marvin lifted his eyes up to stare at what had made everyone suddenly shut up and all he could see was how everyone had suddenly moved away from the table. That one spot reserved for the school heroes and as he stood up to get a better look he felt a strange exhilaration. There on the ground staring up at some tall dark haired guy was Rusty, blood seemed to be coming from his lip and off to the other side was Hector. He was all sprawled out several feet away from the table he had been sitting at and there was no doubt that he had taken one hell of a blow.

He moved in to see and hear what was going on as he stared at the back of the tall young dark boy. He seemed familiar but somehow he couldn’t place him as he stepped in closer, hearing the whispers as others were trying to figure out what it was all about. The boy looked lanky and as Marvin came closer he saw how he stood with his feet apart, waiting for the two downed heroes to get up, his head slowly moving to watch them both, his hands balled up into two huge fists at his side. Staring at his back Marvin could see the faded jeans with a small tear below one knee and the dull brown of boots under the cuff. He licked his lips as he saw the way the boy stood and he swivelled his head around to see how everyone else was standing in complete and utter shock. Someone next to him was whispering how this guy just walked up to the table and was greeted warmly by Rusty. He talked in soft tones as if totally surprised by how the guy just decked Rusty square in the face sending him sprawling backwards and then how before Rusty had hit the floor he had turned and yanked Hector up and sent him flying in the air across the floor.

Marvin moved in closer, wedging himself past several others. He was certain he knew who it was but all he could go by was the taut back that stood ramrod straight in front of him. He could see how the other’s weren’t sure what to do if anything and how many of them hung back a little, waiting to see which way this new battle would go. It was kind of eerie as he came closer to see the faded grass stains on the back of the jeans, the rather shoddy pants looking like they had been worn for a long time. The shirt was just a normal shirt, but it had obvious patches on it too and for a moment or two he thought about how hot the guy looked from the back. He shook his head as he came closer where now he could hear the huffing sound of the two boys on the floor. The tall lanky dark haired boy didn’t move, just stood there waiting for Rusty and Hector.

He glanced over to see that Hector was right out of it. There was blood oozing from his cheek and he looked all mangled, his legs at uneven angles and his one arm was pinned under him. Marvin felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing hat image and he wondered if maybe Hector might have broken a bone or two in his fall. It would be poetic justice but his attention moved towards Rusty who suddenly spoke up in a startled voice, showing fear even, which made everyone step back, even more.

“What the fuck… man…”

The tall dark just stared down at him, waiting for him to move and Rusty glared up at him, stunned and amazed. He turned his head to see Hector sprawled out on the floor, looking like he was dead or something and he could taste his own blood as he turned back to stare at the dark haired boy.

“Christ man, I thought we were friends, what the fuck is this about? Man you are so…”

“What Rusty? Dead?”

Rusty could see how everyone was watching. His whole reputation was at stake and he couldn’t figure out what had exactly happened here. All he knew was that he looked up was saying hello when POW, his lights went out and he was laying flat on his back on the floor. Now here he was, having to stare up at his assailant and the guy didn’t even look scared, which any normal person would be after hitting him. Christ he was top dog here, who did this nobody think he was? Still, the guy didn’t even flinch as he tried to cower him while getting his breath back.

“Fucking right dude, what is your fucking problem?”

“You are …Dude”

It was the way he said it that made him look at him again. There really was no fear in his face, which there should be. He glanced around at everyone standing by, wondering why no one had come to help him yet. He shook his head feeling confused and also feeling a bit frightened. Something wasn’t adding up here but Rusty couldn’t figure it out.

“Me? What the fuck did I do to you? Shit man…”

“Don’t like it huh? Well come on, maybe you can even the score, I ain’t running from you”

The voice was soft and even gentle sounding which only made Rusty hesitate more. He stared up at him, wondering what had set him off like this. There was a strange tone to the voice too, one that only made him feel the fear more. Everyone around was holding their breath, which only made it seem more menacing to his mind. He couldn’t figure it out as he stared up at the boy, wiping some of the blood from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he stared up but all he could see was the two fists that were at the boy’s side and they looked awfully large to him right now.

“Hey look man, I don’t know what got you all fired up, shit I didn’t do nothing to you, I got no reason to fight with you, what the fuck is this about?”

“You don’t know?”

“Fuck didn’t I just say that? NO I Don’t know”

“I don’t like you, isn’t that good enough reason?”

“Shit no it isn’t, Christ man, what the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Me personally? Nothing”

Rusty could see the way he was standing that the second he stood up he’d be flat on his back again. He didn’t stand a chance at a fair fight and he looked around, seeing how everyone had backed away, no one yet willing to come to his defence. Christ what was with those jerks? How could they just stand there and let some newcomer wail on him? They were supposed to be his friends, fuck what a bunch of losers he thought as he turned his face back to the tall dark towering over him.

“Then why man? Christ, look, whatever it is, we can talk it over, no need to get all violent is there?”

“Seems to be the thing to do around here, don’t like someone, kick the shit out of em, isn’t that how you run things here big shot?”

At first he didn’t understand and then as he stared up into the eyes, he knew what it was about. He felt a strange fear entering his body as he looked up into the very cold lifeless eyes that stared down at him. It was like looking at the face of death and he could feel himself shaking. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes becoming glazed with fear as he stared up.

“I don’t know what you… I mean…”

“Yeah you do, it is written all over your face Rusty, you know exactly what I mean”

“Shit man, if you mean about this morning, that was Hector man… I didn’t…”

“Didn’t do anything? I suppose kicking a guy after he’s already been beaten up counts as nothing huh?”

Rusty could hear them all whispering and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy in front of him. He had to stall for time but in doing so he could hear the disbelief in their voices. Christ he knew he couldn’t let him get away with this but the way he looked, it was like he wanted to kill him. For what he had no idea as he leaned back on his elbows, trying to look confident but knowing he was failing. Hell even his voice sounded scared as he tried to figure a way out, wondering why Hector wasn’t doing anything but afraid to look over at him.

“Look man, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have uh, kicked him, but fuck, he’s queer man, Hector and I, we did you a favour, you didn’t want to… Christ…”

“Making sense to you now super jock?”

“Fuck how was I supposed to know? I didn’t… I mean…”

“What Rusty? Didn’t know I was queer too? You gonna call me FAGGOT too?”

The whole room was deathly quiet as Dakota’s voice rang out. There was no screaming, no wild shouting, just a calm matter of fact voice that held something else in its tone. Rusty squinted a little as he tried to figure it out but all he could feel was the fear that was suddenly raging inside of him. He could feel the shock that everyone around was feeling too. He couldn’t understand, why weren’t they jumping Dakota? Why were they just standing there watching it all? Didn’t they care about him, hell he was their friend, their leader, surely they couldn’t just stand by while some queer tried to beat him up?

“Uh no, shit no…”

“Yeah right, why not Rusty? Not so easy to call people names when they aren’t already down on the ground all beaten up huh?”

“Look dude, uh, I got no quarrel with you, I uh, it was Hector man, he was the one who started it, Shit man, I helped stop him dude, ask anyone here, they’ll tell you…”

“Tell me what? That you only kicked Noah twice before worrying about a teacher coming by? I already heard all about how you stopped it Rusty, now… well now its payback time”

“Fuck man, I ain’t gonna fight you”

Dakota had taken a step forward when the piercing cry shattered the silence in the room. His head turned to see Hector trying to sit up but the pain held him back. Dakota’s eyes narrowed at him wondering for a second if he had done some real damage to him, forgetting about Rusty for the moment. The sound of his name being screamed out made him turn and he caught a brief glimpse of the figure coming at him from the floor. He tried to move out of the way but it was too late as he felt Rusty’s body crash into his, sending him falling backwards.

He hit the edge of the table on the small of his back and his own cries now mingled with Hector’s. Dakota felt a sudden dizziness come over him as his legs buckled and he began to fall to the ground. The blow caught him above the stomach and he felt the air in his lungs escape his lips as he reached out, wrapping his arms around Rusty’s body. Together they fell to the ground and he hung on for a second or two before wailing out with his own fists. He found the shoulder with his first shot and felt the sting as his hand struck Rusty’s collarbone.

The pain moved up his arm as he struggled and twisted with Rusty. Then he reached out and pushed Rusty backwards with his other arm, sending him off balance and in a shot was back on his feet, panting as he stared at Rusty who was also on his feet. He could see the wild look in his eyes but all that mattered to him was the image of Noah bleeding. He moved in and let Rusty swing first. He let the blow come past his arm to strike him a glancing blow but as Rusty’s outstretched hand moved past, Dakota leaned inwards and put all of his weight into his lowered hand. The fist moved hard and fast right up and into the exposed under pit of Rusty’s arm. He felt the blow as his fist dug into the soft flesh and he could see the pain register in Rusty’s face.

As his one fist struck hard upwards, he let his other hand strike just as hard into the soft underbelly. The sound of his fist hitting the soft flesh only drove him more as all he could see was Noah’s battered face. Rusty doubled over from the two blows and as his chin came down, Dakota brought his one good hand out and down. He felt the fire inside of him as he swung upwards, catching Rusty fully on the chin. The sound of bone striking bone echoed loudly in the room. It drowned out Hector’s cries even as it reverberated throughout the room. Rusty fell backwards, his body no longer able to stand.

Dakota could feel the blood dripping from his nose and lip as he moved in closer, the wild glaze in his eyes beaming down at the fallen figure. Everyone moved away, watching as Rusty stared up at Dakota, his hand suddenly flung up and over his face as he cried out his surrender, sobbing even as Dakota came closer. Everyone stared at the sudden fear that flared out from Rusty and they could all hear his pitiful voice giving in, almost pleading for Dakota to stop, to let it go.

He stood there staring down at Rusty, his chest heaving as he just stared. Rusty could feel the hatred that came from Dakota as he tried to back away, tried to move out of reach of Dakota’s feet and hands. He was crying as he tried to back away, to prevent what he knew was going to come. His voice was pleading for Dakota to stop when another louder voice silenced him. He heard the loud angry demanding voice and he felt relief, feeling at last like he had been saved as he saw two teachers and Principle Jensen running towards him and Hector.

“What is going on here? Mr Northwood? Explain yourself”

“Nothing, just a little disagreement is all”

“Nothing? Now see here, I warned all of you this morning, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my school”

“I am sorry, we uh, got carried away is all, right Rusty?”

“Uh yeah…”

“NO! It isn’t right, Mr Jensen, Dakota here was simply paying them back for beating up Noah Collins, and if no one else wants to tell you, I will.”

All eyes turned to the squeaky voice and Dakota stared at Marvin who now pushed forward and stood in a cleared area of the floor. He had tears running down his face as he spoke and Dakota could see the fear in his face and yet there was something more there too. He could see a sort of admiration or pride or something that made him feel a bit better.

“Are you telling me that these two, Now just a second here Mr. Hottinger, you are accusing two of our most popular students of…”

“He is right, I saw it, Hector started it but Rusty was the one who kicked Noah”

The principle turned towards the new voice that had interrupted him and he could see several others looking at the floor, some where even nodding and he glared down at Rusty Maartin and Hector. He had wondered a little how no one had seen or heard anything and now he knew why. Rusty was their leader and most popular boy in school, still it made him angry that no one had gotten past that until now. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation as another voice popped up saying pretty much the same thing. In some ways he felt a bit relieved, as he was certain that Noah’s father was going to sue him and the school for the attack earlier. At least whatever happened here would give him an opportunity to perhaps ease that problem. Now he had to decide what to do about Mr Northwood as well.

“All right, well break it up boys, Mr Northwood you get over to the Nurse’s office, I’ll see you after, Mr Hottinger you come with me to my office, you two boys also. Mr Maartin you and Mr Ramirez will go with Mr Young to his office.”

“I can’t move my arm, he broke it”

“Yes well, you two help him stand up and take him to Mr Young’s office, we’ll get an ambulance and the police I think.”

“I didn’t do anything… you can’t call the cops on me, Hottinger is just a fag… how can you…”

“Mr Ramirez you are in enough trouble, shut up”

Monday 4:43 p.m.

As they turned the corner to go down their street Nate saw the blue old car parked in front of their house. His heart was already beating too fast as he let his foot off the gas. He could see a lanky figure sitting on the front steps with its head bowed down and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just go down the street, acting like it wasn’t his house but he knew that Noah would be upset. His face turned to his wife who was leaning over the front seat checking for the umpteenth time on Noah who was propped up in the back. He could see her worry as he wheeled the car past the blue mustang and into his driveway.

Nate got out of the car quickly as his wife moved out the other side to help their son out of the car. He stared over at the dark haired boy who now stood up and came down the steps to stare back at him. For a second Nate felt a rage inside, wondering how dare Dakota show up here after all that had happened. He couldn’t help feeling angry at him, knowing in his heart it wasn’t just or fair but it was his boy that had been hurt. Where had Dakota been then he wondered as he stared at the boy who slowly moved down the walkway towards them.

Watching him come closer Nate’s heart suddenly felt heavy and sad. He couldn’t really blame him for this, thought he wanted to. It wasn’t Dakota who made those boys hate. Still if he had been there maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad or then again it could have been worse. He sighed as he heard his son’s whimper as he climbed out of the back seat and he turned to watch him. He felt so helpless really as he saw how much pain his boy was in, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to protect him beyond what he had already done. He felt a failure really and it wasn’t Dakota’s fault for that either, it was his as he turned back to see Dakota coming closer. This time he noticed the limp and also the bruises on the boy’s face.

“My God… are you okay? Who…”

“I am okay Sir, I uh, I got into a fight… uh. I…”

“DAKOTA!”

Noah’s voice sounded so strong and happy that Nathan forgot for a moment about how much pain his son had to be in. He turned towards the sound and saw the big smile on his face, a gap showing where one tooth had been knocked out. He also saw the bandage on his cheek that covered nineteen stitches and his joy suddenly left him. His heart only ached for all that had happened as he watched Dakota move forward towards Noah and his wife. His eyes stared at her for a moment and he could see the tears welling up there. He also saw her anger that was directed at the dark haired boy slowly moving towards their son. He shook his head and she looked at him and then at Noah. Her shoulders sagged a little as she moved to one side, letting Noah stand on his own. He watched as his son reached out for Dakota who ran a little to get close. He took Noah’s hand and placed it around his waist.

They stood there for a second or two, both of them afraid to really look at the other and yet as he felt Noah’s hand on his hip he knew he would have to eventually explain it all. Somehow though for now he just wanted to feel Noah next to him, to smell him and be near him. He wasn’t quite certain if it would last but this time he knew he wouldn’t run away.

The touch of Dakota’s hand felt like fire to him. He could feel the sudden heat rising in his body and even though it hurt he just didn’t care. Dakota was here which was all that mattered to him. He could see the pain and even sense it really as his hand rested lightly on Dakota’s hip. It felt so perfect that he just needed time to enjoy it, to let it him know it was real and not some dream induced by the pain he was feeling. Funny how much the ride home had hurt and yet now, how little it really seemed to bother him.

They took maybe two or three steps before Dakota stopped. He stood still and then slowly he reached down and touched Noah’s hand. He felt the cold of the skin and yet somehow he felt warm too. He shivered a little as he turned away from Noah’s parents and looked at Noah. His heart ached as he saw the long pale tan bandage across the one cheek, the white one on the corner of the bruised and cut lips. His eyes stared at the battered face and he lowered his own face, his one hand still holding Noah’s, his other wrapped in white plaster hanging limp at his side.

“Noah… I am sorry…”

“This wasn’t your fault Dakota…”

“Yeah in a way it is…”

“How’s that? You weren’t there, no way could you have stopped it without, well…”

He couldn’t explain it but his hand didn’t hurt so much nor did the pain in his chest seem so painful either. Just being near Noah seemed to ease the pain just like his dad said it would. There was no way he could ever explain how he was feeling right now, it just seemed so perfect and so right. Maybe Montana had been right after all, that love could make a person forget the pain. God he wished Montana could have met Noah, he would have liked him.

“I know, but I should have been there, Christ Noah you mean more to me than anything, and I let you down”

The voice was soft almost like a whisper and yet it rang loudly in his head. He felt the power of each word as it caressed his bruised body or so it seemed to him. There was so much he wanted to ask but for now all he wanted was to be next to Dakota, to listen to his heart beat next to his own. Whatever had happened before didn’t really matter now, all that mattered was that Dakota was here.

“No you didn’t Dakota, it isn’t your fault”

“It is actually, if I had been there, if I hadn’t pushed you away yesterday, shit this is all my fault”

“Why? Why did you, yesterday, I….”

He lifted his own face up and stared into Noah’s face. He could feel the love there and he took courage from it, trusting that somehow Noah would understand.

“I was scared”

“Of fighting? I thought you… I mean you didn’t seem like it bothered you”

“No, not that really… it was, well, I didn’t want anyone to know Noah, I was afraid that if they found out, well… I didn’t think I could handle it”

“Being gay?”

“Yeah, sort of that, well no, mostly that but not just that, it was like, well if it came out, it would be well… there would be no turning back. That’s more of what freaked me I think, knowing that I couldn’t keep it a secret forever and yet, well, kind of wanting to”

“I don’t… you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Don’t you? I mean honestly, right now, don’t you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Now? No, not now, maybe this morning I did, but not now”

He thought for sure Noah would have said yes. He looked into the soft eyes to see them sparkling at him, almost as if they were happy. For a minute the look reminded him of how Noah looked the instant that his body had joined with Noah’s. The eyes looked the same, had the same sheen to them as they did now. Could he really not care if he was gay or not?

“Why not?”

“Cause if I wasn’t gay now, you wouldn’t be here holding my hand”

“You mean that?”

“Uh huh”

“Even after the shit I said to you yesterday?”

“Yeah, I guess I always knew you didn’t mean it, still… it did hurt, but…”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t”

“I know Dakota”

“I wish I could take it all back”

“You have, we are okay, aren’t we?”

“If you still want me, yeah we are okay”

Noah didn’t bat an eyelash as he answered Dakota. His heart was finally happy again, just like it had been back at the tree house. It was as it should be and how could he not want Dakota? The pain of not having him was much worse than anything Hector or even Rusty could ever do to him. No, there wasn’t any doubt in his heart as he smiled when he nodded and spoke.

“I do”

“Why? I don’t…”

“I don’t know, can’t explain it really except when you are here, I feel good”

It was what he had hoped Noah would say, still hearing the words were almost like a shock to his system. His mind had told him so many times that no one could really love him, that no man could love another like him but now all those doubts, all those fears seemed to just fall away as he heard Noah’s voice telling him the truth. It was still hard for his mind to accept but in his heart he could feel the truth of the words.

“Even now?”

“Especially now, it doesn’t seem to hurt so much, why you?”

“Huh? Why me what?”

“Why did you change your mind?”

Looking at Noah, touching him and feeling him next to him only made him realize what he had finally come to understand standing at the edge of the platform of the tree house. Noah was somehow a part of him, just like his dad had said and like Montana had tried to tell him before. There was no reason behind it, whatever force had made him had also made Noah for him, and vice versa. They were meant to be and all it needed to happen was him having faith.

He knew he had almost lost Noah, maybe a lot more than that too as he remembered the wind blowing on his back and how it all looked so easy to just step off the ledge and be at peace. Now he had it all and despite the bruises and pain in his body he could still feel that touch of Noah’s shorts on the back of his legs, that simple touch of cloth against his flesh that had changed his life, that had restored his faith and given him hope.

Tears were in his eyes as he finally managed to put it into words, ones that he knew came from his heart and which he knew Noah would understand.

“Cause it hurt more to be without you than being gay hurt, because I suppose I realized that with you at least life meant something. Corny huh?”

“Kind of, but sweet”

“Think your parents will let us see each other still?”

“Depends”

“On what?”

“You gonna make an honest woman out of me?”

“SHIT!”

Noah smiled as he let his head rest into Dakota’s chest. He could feel the strong beat of his heart and he smiled to himself, enjoying the scent that came into his nostrils. It was like back at the tree house and he knew that what they had there was only a beginning. He couldn’t help but feel happy despite the pain in his body as he felt Dakota’s finger lift his chin up to look into his face. He saw the tears in Dakota’s eyes as Dakota’s head bent forward. The light touch of his lips on his mouth made him tremble with excitement as he felt the strong arms encircle him and hold him close.

They broke apart and slowly made their way up the sidewalk to the front door where Noah’s parents both stood. Noah stared at his mother who had tears in her eyes and then he glanced over at his father. He saw him staring at him, questioning him really and he smiled as he spoke.

“Mom, Dad, this is Dakota, he’s my boyfriend”