Chapter 10

The whole world is a dream, and death the interpreter.

Yiddish Proverb

Gordon sat in his chair, his heart heavy with the nights darkness. He glanced upwards, towards the mantle place and he saw his rose, no longer shimmering in the reflection of love. It looked tarnished now, sad and alone on a place of honour. His eyes wandered over to the other chair, where only a few days ago sat Josh. Now it too was empty and his heart ached more.

gaystoryman

“OH BILLY WHY?” he cried out into the night, his shrill voice bouncing off the walls as he looked upwards.

“DAMN YOU,” he shouted, his fist raised high in anger and the fat around his jaws trembling with his inner rage. His anger real, his hurt deep, as he struggled with it all, knowing that there was no answers for him, once more.

Life was as he thought, nothing but a cruel joke and the brief time of joy he had felt, gone forever, was merely a tease to torment him, to make his latter days on this planet even more painful than he could ever imagine. How could anyone professing to be a loving being do such a horrible thing as what God had done to him.

His eyes lifted upwards, smouldering with his anger as he looked for an answer. He saw nothing upwards, and he rose slowly from his chair, glancing at the empty one by the fireplace. He could almost see them there, sitting, Billy resting on the soft leather, Josh at his feet, his young blonde face turned upwards gazing with nothing but love into the dark spirited face of his young lover. He had it all, and now he too was lost in this time called living.

He felt every year of his long life as he struggled to walk and get away from this room, this place that had known so much joy only a few short days ago, and now was a haunting reminder of just how cruel life and its creator was.

His eyes were misted, tears always lurking behind, ready to pour at a moments notice, at a sudden thought or a fleeting glance. The pool was glimmering in the star lit night as he found himself staring at the dark water. He could see the stars reflecting their luminous blues in the water.

Gordon sat, his dark suit rumpled with its long wear and his constant pacing throughout the afternoon and now evening. His tie was askew, his shirt collar open exposing his hairy chest to the night’s breeze. Once again he glanced upwards, his eyes now misted deeper in their grief as images of sweet Billy frolicking in the pool with Josh flashed before him.

His heart was near breaking, he knew that, and yet it wouldn’t stop, it wouldn’t end his pain or his misery as he hoped it would. Instead it kept beating, kept him living, kept him remembering all the sadness of the day.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes heaven turned.

“Why take such a young person when you could of easily taken me? Surely you don’t need him, he had so much to offer, so much to give, why? Oh why dear God are you so cruel to us? Isn’t it enough that we pray to you, look to you for our salvation? Is this how you repay us? Oh damn it… why can’t I see? Why am I so lost and so destined to be alone? Have I really been that bad of a person all these years? Couldn’t you have simply taken me? Why him? Why now? Don’t you care?”

Gordon’s words found no answers, the silence of the night continued unabated as he sat there, his head now buried in his wrinkled aged hands. The tears flowed once more and his heart continued to ache, to torment him with its sorrow as it missed the warmth that was Billy.

The harsh ringing of the phone made him start. He was startled by its incessant noise, and angry at whoever was on the other end. Couldn’t they leave him alone in his grief ? Why did people need to call him, to tell him how sorry they were for his loss? Damn it, didn’t they know that their words meant nothing that their prattling voices had no meaning to him, not now, not ever? Couldn’t they just leave him alone, let him suffer in solitude?

Angrily he picked up the handset, barking into it, demanding to know who was daring to intrude on his pain, when his jaw fell open, his eyes narrowed as he listened to the voice on the other end.

So, this was the grand plan? This was how you comfort someone? He looked upwards, his eyes narrowed as he listened to the cool professional uncaring voice on the other end, detailing how he could, if he wished, to proceed. He answered mechanically, his anger

gaystoryman

contained, his sorrow held in check as his eyes glared upwards into the night sky.

The stars dimmed a little as he rose up off the chair. A dark cloud seemed to pass over him, as he found himself standing calling for Manuel and for a taxi. The night grew suddenly colder for a brief second as he glanced once more heavenwards. So be it, he thought as he moved with surprising strength to the house. As Gordon walked towards the house, his hands straightened his tie, smoothed his jacket and adjusted his shirt.

As he strode into the house, his hands checked his jacket for his wallet and his fingers touched the cold metal of a trinket inside. He stopped dead in his tracks as he felt the metal shape inside his jacket. It was the locket Billy had given to Josh, the one he had meant to place within the coffin earlier today, but had been unable to do it.

Tears flowed once more down his face as his anger seemed to suddenly vanish. His heart ached in pain again, no longer pounding to the drums of anger and unreason. Gordon sat down heavily in the hallway chair, his eyes dripping with his sorrow, and yet he could see it all.

He could see Josh leaning against the wall, tears of anguish flowing from his young face, his hair matted by the grief he was feeling, his young face calling for the pendent and his own shaking fat hand finding the pendent on the floor, and gently placing it in the quaking hand of Josh.

gaystoryman

It all flashed before him now, the pain tearing anew at his heart. The image of the dark coffin slowly being lowered into the ground this morning, his so called friends standing there wooden faced, tears running down his face and no one else to hold him, no Billy to place a reassuring hand around his shoulder, no Josh to hold onto, to keep safe.

From deep within his soul he cried out to God, no longer the defiant one, his anger muted, just a tormented son in pain reaching for his father’s embrace. The horror of the last few days flowed around him, it tore at his soul now, poking it with fresh memories of a sobbing Josh. He witnessed the gruesome task of identifying the body at a cold inhuman morgue. All of this passed before his tear soaked eyes.

As Gordon waited for the taxi he saw it all play before him once more. The doctor’s needle jabbing into Josh’s arm to sedate him that first night, the sullen look the next morning when he brought him breakfast. The hurt look he witnessed when he picked up the pendent from Josh’s bed. The look of absolute despair that flared in Josh’s eyes as he tried to comfort him but was found wanting in the task.

His own voice echoed in his head as he had tried repeatedly to comfort Josh, and failed totally. He could see the pain that was wrapping itself around Josh as he explained the funeral arrangements and the stunned look as Josh calmly told him he wouldn’t be there.

His own anger as he yelled to the back of Josh when he stormed out of the house last night, his empty threats of ‘don’t come back’ echoed once more inside his head. His own despair at watching the remaining chance for his own happiness slamming his front door over 24 hours earlier, and now he had to deal with it all again.

Gordon managed to control the tears for the moment. His head ached; his temples throbbed as he relived his last few days in every vivid detail. The pain wouldn’t leave, never, he realized that, but it would dull in time, he hoped. As the taxi pulled up to its destination, he gathered himself, the patriarch once again, the façade once more in place as he arranged for the taxi to wait, the passing of a $50 bill assuring his ride back.

The steps felt like mountains to his fat legs, but he struggled up them to enter the cold concrete building and present his credentials at the front desk. He was directed to take a seat while the wheels were put in motion and he sat there, the memories continuing to flood his mind.

His thumb continued to rub the small pendent in his pocket as his mind continued its torment of his soul. He wished he could end it all, but he knew deep down within him that he would never have that kind of courage. He could feel the tears welling up again as his thumb felt the warm metal. It was like it was drawing him and he pulled the trinket out, to stare at its silver finish.

Somehow he managed to open it and there in front of his bloodshot eyes were two tiny pictures of happier times staring up at him. He could see the shimmer in Josh’s eyes and the deep love they contained within the body the face was attached to.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he wondered what life would have in store for Josh. How would he ever be what he was only a few short days ago. The image of a happy Josh was hard to fathom now, all he could conjure up was a tormented soul, bent on closing himself off, of erasing his memory of this time.

His heart was racing again, the tightness in his chest told him he was on the verge of a heart attack and his mind welcomed the possibility. At least then maybe his pain would indeed end, maybe then he would find his own peace.

Gordon’s eyes started to pull away, a deep sense of pain filled his whole being as his mind tried to force the eyes away, to keep them from going to that other side, the one with his picture, his face. The battle was raging inside him, his mind rebelling, trying desperately for him not to look, yet his soul was crying out for him to do just that, to look, to see the face one more time.

Slowly, his eyes turned away from the image of Josh’s smiling face and glanced over towards the other side of the open pendent. He could

gaystoryman

see the dark hair, the lock that seemed to always fall across the forehead, and his heart seemed to stutter within his chest. A heavy ache filled his soul, his mind yelled at him to turn away, to close the pendent.

As his fingers flexed, haltingly reaching out to close the pendent a strong hand seemed to grip his own. His eyes glanced down, to see his hand trembling, but nothing else was there, no other hand, yet he couldn’t move it, it was locked, held in check unable to move.

His soul was reaching up, his eyes were slowly being turned back towards the pendent and he could see Billy’s face coming back into focus. He wanted to run, to jump up and leave, but the same force that held his hand in check now held his whole body in place. He couldn’t move, his heart was stilled as his eyes focused fully now on the dark young face.

A chill ran down his spine as he saw the dark glittering eyes, caught so perfectly by the camera. He could peer into those dark orbs, he could see the life there, the merriment, the sadness, the hope. It all passed through his own eyes now, as he looked deep into the picture.

He saw Billy standing by the pool staring off into Josh’s blue eyes. His eyes could see the love flashing between the two young naked bodies as they shut out the world and found each other. His own heart started to pound even harder as it witnessed the deep penetrating love that was there, that was Billy.

Deep within him he could hear the soft singsong voice as it passed a tiny silver rose to his own aged hands. He could feel the love that was in the voice, the caring and pleasure that his tears had brought to the young man. His own body shook now, as he saw the warm honest smile that Billy had flash before him.

His eyes narrowed as they strove to delve deeper into the small picture held in his hand. He no longer shook; his body was rock solid, square in the chair as his mind’s screams no longer echoed in his ears. Instead he felt a strange quiet invade his whole being. The turmoil within his soul was quelled by this strange new feeling as his eyes became fixed on Billy’s. It was almost as if Billy himself was reaching out to him, urging him to look deeper, to see more than he was willing to see, to see beyond the pain and sorrow.

He sat there, unaware of his surroundings, time had no meaning any longer as his soul took charge now. The pain was softened, quieted and pushed back. His mind no longer raged in a frothing anger at God or at himself. Slowly he relaxed, his muscle no longer screwed up, tense and hard. Instead he felt at ease and suddenly he knew just exactly what he had to do.

Gordon entered the small windowless room, tasting the despair and anger that seemed to fill the room. He hesitated briefly at the doorway, feeling the hopelessness inside, feeling the anger, the torment that was

gaystoryman

inside, but with his new found strength, his hand clutching the small silver pendent, he entered the room.

His eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on the dimly lit room. He saw the plain table and two chairs and there in one sat Josh. He looked terrible, there was dried blood around his mouth and his eye was swollen almost to the point of being closed. His blonde hair was completely messed, hanging in dirty disarray.

A battered defiant face glanced up at him as he moved into the room’s darkness. His heart ached as he took in the torn shirt with its dried bloodstains, the pale skin showing up with bruises and welts across the stomach.

He didn’t sit down, instead he stood there, taking it all in, letting it all soak into his mind. Gordon could feel the anger coming from the slouched figure, he could even taste the fear and anguish that consumed Josh at that very instant. Yet the most devastating sight wasn’t what he could see or taste or feel, but instead was the absolute emptiness of the dull blue eyes.

Josh couldn’t stand it, the silence of the towering old man was driving him nuts. He wanted to lash out, to hurt him and yet something was holding him back. He had been fighting for what seemed an eternity but was only a few days. He stared at Gordon with blank eyes, unwilling to see beyond the physical person. The pain was just too much, the anger too consuming, too fresh, too all encompassing.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, a harsh lilt to his normal voice. He didn’t care for any of the old man’s whines or morals or lectures now, and he made it plain as possible in the tone of his voice. He was totally closed off, or so he thought.

Gordon closed his eyes briefly as the harsh words hammered at his heart. Instead of turning and running back to his own private hell, he stood his ground. Slowly he reached into his pocket, his hand grasping the silver pendent. He felt the strength, the warmth and carefully he withdrew his hand, the long silver chain bunched up in his fist, the pendent being pressed firmly into the palm of his hand.

He moved over to the sitting figure, who didn’t move a muscle, didn’t flinch an eyelash as he approached. It was as if Josh had turned into a piece of granite, unfeeling, uncaring.

Silently, Gordon stood beside Josh, he could smell the residue of vomit on the lad, and he could smell the hatred and anger that consumed him. He moved his clenched fist to lay it in front of Josh, and slowly he undid his fingers, revealing the silver pendent.

A small gasp escaped his mouth, more like a gurgle as his eyes focused on the worthless trinket, that only a few days earlier had meant the world to him, before his world had been crushed. His heart ached under the sudden sight of the pendent, and an image of a dark haired

gaystoryman

young man, asking him if he wanted a lift flashed before his eyes.

The pain in his heart, erased by his anger, started anew. Josh fought it, his mind rebelling at the shiny silver pendent and all the memories it now held for him. With a sudden surge of raw anger he reached up to slap away the hand that held it so lovingly. The hand flew back, the silver pendent flying out and hitting the far wall with a tiny ring.

Gordon had seen the red rage grow in the young face, and before he could move, he felt his hand flying backwards, the silver pendent leaving his palm as if it had wings. The sound of it hitting the wall echoed in his ears and yet his heart stayed still, beating normal, keeping him calm.

He looked down at the rage-constricted face, seeing the hatred that was inside of the young man. Yet he also saw the innocence, the once loving boy who had spent many a night at the foot of a chair, staring up at Billy, just revelling in his presence.

Gordon walked to the far wall, and bent down and picked up the pendent. He wiped the dirt off it and held it once again tightly in the palm of his hand. He turned to face the sullen Josh.

“If you came here to give me that junk… you are wasting your time old man.”

The words felt like they had been fired out of a nail gun, each word a nail in his soul, yet he withstood the onslaught. Instead, Gordon merely looked at Josh, at the anger mirrored in his face and he shook his head once, then slowly he walked back towards the table. The pendent was still in his grasp, still warming his heart, still leading his soul.

Slowly he walked towards the table and Josh. He stood there, the pendent in his hand and this time he stared straight into Josh’s eyes. He saw nothing there, no life, no glimmer even of hope and for a second he felt defeated, felt abandoned. Just as suddenly as the feeling of despair came over him, it vanished. His hand burned from the heat of the pendent and with a renewed strength, he reached out with his free hand, grabbing the startled Josh.

With a grip like a vice, he brought Josh’s hand up from beside his leg to lay it on the table. His fingers were like hydraulic jacks as they pried open the tight fist, forcing Josh to wince in pure physical pain. His hand held Josh’s hand now, the flesh feeling cold, yet his own feeling like a blast furnace.

Slowly and painfully Josh was forced to let his hand open and as it finally lay on the table fully extended his mind tried one last time to rebel. He struggled to raise himself up, to move away from what he knew was coming, but Gordon’s strength was no match for even his young body.

The pendent dangled slowly from Gordon’s other hand, as it carefully lowered the dented pendent onto the unwilling open palm. As

gaystoryman

it touched the raw flesh, it seemed to shimmer in the dim light of the room. Finally it lay there, the pendent square in his palm, the chain coiled on top.

Gordon took his hand that had held the pendent and placed it on top of Josh’s hand, then he reached out and closed the young fist around the pendent and looked up into the blue eyes of Josh.

“Time to come home son,” was all he said.

Josh had tried to back away, he had tried to not look but something was forcing him. He no longer could control his own body motions. A strange over powering force had made his face turn and stare as the silver pendent was lowered, inch-by-inch, into his now sweating palm.

The touch of the cold metal against his skin had made him groan. His heart started to pound deep within his chest, making him gasp for air. The room swayed before his dulled eyes, and his mind’s anger suddenly seemed to stop. His body shook, his legs vibrated as if he was dead centre of 9-point earthquake.

He felt his head moving back, his face no longer staring at the pendent and instead his eyes were being drawn towards the wrinkled old face before him. His head arched back, his chest heaving with the pounding of his heart. He wanted to run; to stand up and leave this torment, but his body refused his commands. His legs shook harder, his arms quivered and his whole body trembled as his eyes began to focus on the face in front of him.

Slowly he found his hand clenching tightly the small metal pendent. A heaviness came over his heart, a deep rending pain seemed to come boiling up from deep within his body when he heard the soft sounds of Gordon’s voice echo inside his head.

He knew it was Gordon’s voice; it had to be because that was who was standing there, yet it didn’t sound at all like it. It had a strangely familiar ring to it, a ring that brought his heart leaping forward, trying to push out of his chest. His eyes bulged outwards as they focused onto the glimmering eyes in front of him.

He tried to wriggle free, yet Gordon’s hand held him down. His body would not move, and his mind was screaming for him to run, to hide, as he saw Billy’s face floating in front of him now.

There was no mistaking the soft face, the dark hair, the little tell­tale lock dangling across one side of his forehead, it was all there, all in front of him; and the eyes, those damn eyes were no mirage, it was Billy and he felt the resistance in his mind disappear.

Slowly he felt a warmth creeping inside of him. His whole body no longer trembled but seemed to suddenly relax, to release its pent up hurt and pain. His heart slowed down as his eyes remained locked on the dark embers of Billy’s eyes.

Deep within his soul he heard a strange animal growl, a cry and he

gaystoryman

blinked. For a brief second he saw red, then all of a sudden it no longer was dark in the room. The dim light no longer cast a pale yellow tinge to the dingy room. Instead he felt clear, felt the blood flowing in his veins.

Josh looked back into the eyes as the words continued to roar inside of him. He could feel the coldness leave him, the anger no longer ran his mind, and the pain no longer covered him. Tears started to well by his eyes as he started to shiver. Two strong arms engulfed him and he felt himself being lifted up off the chair and crushed into the waiting body before him.

Gordon held Josh to his bosom tightly, his arms wrapped around the now heaving body. He felt his own heart singing out, feeling the pain of the boy in his arms. Tears flowed unabated down his cheeks onto the dirty blonde hair against his face.

Together they stood there, the old man crying for his loss and yet joyful for his gain. He had won, and now he could let go of his own anger and let the healing begin. Once again he could face the coming day and while there was still a deep pain, a deep emptiness inside of him, he knew that he was not going to have to face it alone.

Josh couldn’t stop his body from heaving. His whole body shook and he cried for the first time since that first night. It was as if a dam had burst and the water flowed uncontrollably down his face. The suit jacket was drenched with his sorrow but he felt at peace now.

The guilt no longer had its hold on him, the anger no longer could control him, and the pain could no longer drape itself around him. He was suddenly free of it all and yet it didn’t diminish his loss. He had loved Billy so much, so deeply, that a hole was forever in his heart; but at least he knew that in time, when his work here was over that he would be reunited with that missing part of his heart.

It had taken several hours before the two could walk out of the police station. Not once in all that time, though, had Gordon left Josh’s side. Not for one second had they not been together, Gordon’s protective arm constantly around his young charge. No amount of police officialdom could prevent him from being with Josh, and from keeping him close. Finally together they walked out to the still waiting taxi, Josh nestled under Gordon’s arm like a wayward lost son, found at last.

No words had crossed between the silence that existed between them. They merelylooked into each other’s eyes and knew that together they would survive. They knew that there was a third person, who would never leave them, no matter what and that gave them comfort as the taxi brought them back to the ancient house on the hill.

Together they entered the bedroom, Josh’s body wedged tightly into Gordon’s own rotund figure. They opened the door, to that room,

gaystoryman

feeling his presence and they knew it was right. Slowly Gordon took Josh to the bed, and stripped the soiled shirt from his body. He then managed to quickly find a bowl, hot water, and a cloth and he tenderly wiped away the dried blood and tended to the various cuts and marks that covered the young boy.

As if he had been doing it all his life, he bundled Josh up and made him slide under the covers, where he gently bent down and kissed him lightly on the forehead. His tucked him in, and saw that, still, Josh held the silver pendent in his hand. He rose and started to head out of the room when Josh’s tired voice reached him.

“Don’t go yet… please stay… till I fall asleep, please?”

Gordon smiled and brought a chair up to sit by the bed. Josh reached out with his one hand to let Gordon hold onto, and as they touched they both looked into each other’s eyes one more time. Between them, in both hands, now rested the silver pendent, finally at home, where it belonged.

Chapter 9

Life is a candle before the wind.

Japanese Proverb

Josh sat in the deep rich leather of the chair, looking at the clock, waiting for the time to finally reach quarter past midnight. That was when he could expect Billy to get home from his job. He hated the waiting, especially on Saturday nights. He frowned as he tried to will the time to move faster and almost jumped as the huge hand on the clock

gaystoryman
crept past the 11 and signalled that it was still a whole hour and a bit before Billy would be home.

Gordon watched Josh over the edge of his book, his face cracked in a wide smile as he saw the way Josh kept glancing at the clock. He, too, would sneak a peak every now and then as he loved watching it when Billy came home from work.

These last two months had been very special for him. He had learned that love wasn’t just a good hard roll in the sack, but was something that never seemed to end, never seemed to tire, and definitely was always full of surprises. Gordon still laughed silently to himself as he watched the way Billy had changed. How he had grown so quickly into being someone entirely different. There was a deep sense of humour that had been locked into that boy, and now it was making up for all those years of captivity.

It still amazed him at how every Saturday morning he would find Billy in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. It wasn’t just for himself, he was cooking a banquet every morning for him and for Josh, plus he always made sure that he had enough for Gordon. What surprised him the most was that Billy insisted on serving it, even startling poor Manuel in that he insisted that Manual joined them for breakfast.

114

That first Saturday had been so funny as Billy just stood toe to toe with poor Manuel, telling him to stop fussing and sit down. The poor man almost had a heart attack, sitting with his employer and worse, not even being allowed to help in preparing the food or even in doing the dishes afterwards.

Gordon had been stunned but didn’t argue. There was a new found confidence in his young charge and it made his chest swell out with pride. Secretly he felt he had a small part to play in it, even though he thought it had more to do with Josh. That first night, after his new edicts, had been a wild one.

Even off in his own room he could hear the two boys going at it. He thought they would break the bed the way they groaned and moaned and the way he heard the bed creaking under their gyrations. The next morning, Saturday, was when Billy started his now Saturday ritual of preparing breakfasts.

Gordon hadn’t felt comfortable in letting Billy take the job over at the corner market, specially when it meant working late Friday and Saturday nights, but Josh’s determined face and Billy’s equally firm voice made him give in rather quickly. At first he didn’t understand why Billy was so insistent on taking such a menial job, but he learnt two weeks later just what a good decision it had been.

Gordon leaned back in his chair, the book against his lap as he recalled that Saturday almost two months back. It was Billy’s first pay day from the store and, as usual, he and Josh had been sitting by the fireplace, attempting to read and relax, waiting for Billy to come home.

The clock had struck midnight, and both of them became fidgety as the hands slowly etched their way past quarter after, then twenty after, then half hour after and Josh was becoming a nervous wreck. Gordon spent the next twenty minutes trying to keep Josh from running outside to check the street. He also was feeling as nervous and had decided that when young Billy did arrive home, he would get the lecture of his young life. Funny how you could remember these things, later on, and how your memory of it was so vivid. He chuckled to himself as he recalled how he had felt and how relived he was when just before 1am Billy had walked in.

He had the biggest grin on his face and all thought of lecturing him seemed to have evaporated as he watched Josh leap out of the chair into Billy’s arms. It was almost too much for Gordon and he remembered how tears were welling up in the corner’s of his eyes as he saw the way Josh kissed every part of that grinning young face.

Gordon almost broke out laughing as he remembered how after a few minutes of hard kissing Josh had pushed Billy aside and started in on him. He was asking him where the hell he had been, how come he was so late, and why didn’t he phone and all the things a parent would

gaystoryman

say to a child or a wife to a wayward husband.

Billy just stood there, smiling and letting Josh run off at the mouth. He listened politely to the lecture on his tardiness, on how Josh had been a nervous wreck waiting for him and yet his smile didn’t diminish one iota. In fact, Gordon could see that it only grew wider and more pronounced. There was no doubt that Billy was tired, but also that he was up to something.

Josh finished his little tirade and cocked his head as he realized that all of his words were having no effect on his man. He had the cutest expression on his face, sort of pouting actually, his lips pursed together, his feet apart and his hands on his hips. Gordon smiled as he thought of how Josh looked like some angry wife, taken aback by the lack of response from the erring husband.

Billy laughed then too, which was about to get a rebuke from Josh when he just grabbed Josh and hugged him tight to his body. He lifted the tall young man up and twirled him around the room, his booming laughter filling the cavernous hallway with its pure joy. Even Gordon had been taken by surprise at this outburst and he too was wondering just what was going on.

Billy, still laughing, sat Josh down on the hallway chair, then he reached inside his nylon windbreaker and pulled out a small little box. All laughter stopped abruptly as Billy looked at the box in his hand, then he glanced up at Josh and slowly pushed it forward.

“Here… it isn’t much but it is… well… it’s the first thing I have bought, on my own, from… well… uh… its not much really Josh but it is the first time in a long time that I have been able to buy something that wasn’t earned from being on my back… so…”

Josh had tears in his eyes as Billy’s halting voice tried to explain it, and his hand was now wrapped over the small box and Billy’s shaking hand. He reached out and kissed Billy, ending the broken words, and there was a big grin on his face.

Gordon couldn’t help himself, he was in tears and while he used to hate emotional outbursts, he felt so damn good right then and there. Now it all made sense to him, why Billy had insisted on taking the job at the corner market, why he had insisted on being able to earn his own money. He wanted to feel the thrill that he was obviously getting right now. The tears rolled freely down Gordon’s cheeks as he watched Josh open the tiny box.

The light from the hallway glittered on the shiny silver trinket inside. Josh brought it out, a long thin silver chain with a small pendent attached hung from his hands as he looked into Billy’s eyes. He just smiled, his eyes locked onto Billy’s sparkling dark one’s. They said nothing, just looked deeply into each others eyes.

Gordon felt a pang of jealousy, wondering when or if he would

gaystoryman

ever find such love that these two obviously shared. He wiped his eyes as he watched Billy gently kiss the moistened eyes of Josh and then made Josh stand up and turn around so he could put the chain and heart shaped pendent around the long golden neck.

He could see the desire in Josh’s eyes as he lifted the heart shaped pendent up off his chest, and looked into Billy’s eyes. Gordon could tell that there was a deep bonding going on, something he thought that had already happened, but it struck him then: that each time they stared into the others eyes; they became even closer. It was a lesson in love that he was witnessing, not just then, but each day and every second that Billy and Josh were together or apart.

His heart was aching a little at the tender scene when Billy turned to him, Josh wrapped close under one very protective loving arm. For a second he thought that Billy was going to just say goodnight and take Josh up to bed, where no doubt they would engage in another of their unbelievably loud love making sessions. Instead, Billy started to stutter a bit, then he simply once more reached into his windbreaker and pulled out another box, this one slightly longer and narrow and handed it to Gordon.

“What’s this?” he had said and tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks. It was unheard of, someone giving him a gift without it being any occasion. He looked up into Billy’s eyes and was shocked. He saw tears there, but they weren’t tears of pain or disappointment but of happiness.

gaystoryman

“It isn’t much Gordon… but I needed to, well, uh, its just something small, I know its not up to your standards… but, well…”

“If it is from you it is well up to my standards Billy; but really, you shouldn’t have spent any of your hard earned money on me… really, I…”

“Gordon, yes I did have to… to say thanks… please… take it before we are all bawling like babies… ‘kay?”

Gordon reached out to take the narrow box, his hand trembling so much he was afraid he’d drop the tiny box. His heart was filled with such joy that he was only seconds away from outright crying and he knew that so was Billy and Josh. He could feel Josh’s pride as he took the box in his shaking hand.

For a brief second their hands touched. Gordon felt a strong jolt run through his body, and he looked up into the dark eyes of Billy and the deep blue of Josh’s. For the first time in many a decade, Gordon didn’t see blank stares, or greed, instead he felt a strange warmth covering him as he saw deep into their hearts and he could feel their love wrapping itself around his ancient old body.

Gordon couldn’t help himself, he cried and as the sobs came gurgling out of his mouth, he felt two strong sets of arms wrap themselves around his shaking frame. He felt wet tears against his own shoulders as they pressed their faces against his and rested on his knees. He could smell the two boys, their freshness, their youth; all of it just seemed to burst into his heart at once.

Tears flowed freely for the first time in many years as he hugged the two boys that had touched him so much. He finally realized why he had broken his own rules, and for the very first time Gordon felt that there was someone out there who cared, someone out there who would indeed shed tears were he to pass away. His heart leapt upwards, beating slightly faster as it tasted real love, and found it to be all that he thought it would be and more.

They had broken apart, Billy and Josh standing by his feet, looking down at him. Billy wiping away Josh’s tears and Josh returning the favour, yet both of them still keeping Gordon in their vision. He trembled as his hands fought to regain control and open the box that lay on his lap.

Slowly he managed to open it to find inside a silver rose, each pedal fully etched, and off of one perfect pedal, a tiny teardrop was attached. Gordon wiped his eyes as he stared at that rose, amazed that the feeling he had just experienced was not forever etched in that single silver rose and tear.

There had been no need for any more words. Gordon had risen up from his chair, and he stretched out his massive arms wide, and both Billy and Josh merely stepped into them. It was as close to heaven as he could feel, and his heart was sounding like a chorus of church bells, ringing in the New Year. He felt so complete, so at peace that he couldn’t speak even if he wanted to.

He looked them both in the eyes, feeling their love, feeling Josh’s pride in Billy, feeling Billy’s own pride at being able to do something on his own, without the need to surrender his body. It felt like they had reached heaven and were gliding around the skies on a silver lined cloud.

Gordon heard the clock chime midnight as he glanced up to the mantle, where he had placed a small silver rose with a tiny teardrop off one pedal. He wiped his eyes as he stared up at the now glass encased ornament, his most precious object d’art in his entire collection. A small blue light shone down on the case, and he remembered how Billy’s face had lit up when he had come in two days later to find his gift so prominently displayed.

There was no denying that the last few months had been almost idyllic for them. Josh had shown an interest in becoming a caterer and to that end Gordon had him learning the ropes. He was learning food costing, how to set a table to make the service easy and yet elegant. For his part, Billy had shown his culinary skills and next week would start

gaystoryman

formal training at a chef’s college in town.

They had such plans these two, it was amazing how they would sit and plan their future. Billy would be the culinary expert while Josh would manage it for him, getting him only the best of clients. Gordon figured into it too, they would insist that he would have the best parties on the continent, for ever and for free, and he would join in their planning, sometimes just adding a piece here or there, or just sitting back, revelling in their joy at simply planning a future.

He stared at the rose, marvelling at how his own life changed too. He no longer sat at home every day, instead he was going out more, meeting new people, finding that San Francisco had a great deal to offer. In fact, he even started to take a real interest in horticulture and was rapidly becoming an expert. Who would of thought that all his years of playing in his large gardens would give him such knowledge?

Josh and Billy had pushed him too, forcing him to join a garden club of old fags, and despite his misgivings he found himself enjoying the weekly meetings and get together’s. It was a whole new world for him, and as he gazed at the single rose, he knew it was due to the two young men who lived in his home.

“You really are proud of that rose aren’t you Gordon?” Josh asked softly.

Gordon slowly turned his face towards the soft voice. He smiled as he saw the grin on Josh’s face. He could also see the pride that was there; the way Josh just oozed it as he thought of Billy.

“Yes Josh, it is really something very special to me, sort of like that necklace you have in clutched in your hand right now.”

Josh smiled, as his fingers played with the tiny silver locket that hung around his chest. He had taken it off only to shower, once, afraid it would tarnish, but he felt so naked without it, that he had run into the room to grab it halfway through that shower. It was the last time that he had it off, it was always on his neck and he found himself clutching it throughout the day or night.

“Yeah… I guess so… it really is nice, isn’t it?”

“What is Josh?”

“To be so much in love… I really never understood all those romance novels before, but now I do… I can’t imagine life any other way, can you?”

“Hehe, you know something, you really are a romantic at heart Josh, but no, I can’t imagine life any other way now, it really is something unique and special.”

Josh smiled as Gordon sat back in his chair and stared back up at the little rose. It really wasn’t an expensive one, certainly not by some of the other price tags of the ornaments in the house, and yet Josh knew that Gordon would kill if anyone damaged that little rose. Well he

gaystoryman

couldn’t blame him; it was how he felt too about the pendent and chain.

He found his fingers twirling around the pendent, feeling the shiny metal against his hand, knowing that inside were two tiny cut out photo’s, something he hadn’t discovered until a few days after he had gotten the pendent. Man, that had been a day, the way he had been so stunned to find that Billy had somehow managed to get a picture of them both, and get it cut and shaped to fit into the tiny pendent.

They were sitting out by the pool, Billy resting before getting ready to go to work and Josh had been playing with the pendant. He could see how Billy smiled each time he caught him with the pendent in his hands and now he was grinning like a wolf.

“You keep playing with that and you’ll wear out the clasp,” he had said.

“Not on your life bub… besides, if it does wear out you’ll just have to get me a new clasp…”

“Sure, make me work long hours and buy you jewellery, just like a typical wife… hehe.”

“Bitch… and you love it anyway…”

“What, the working?”

“No silly, buying me stuff… you know one day we should get a couple of photo’s and stick them in here, after we get them cut down to size of course… hehe.”

“One day? Well I don’t know… the way your head is these days, I’d need to get an awfully bigger pendent… and they don’t come that large… hehe.”

“Fuck you… hmm, maybe we could get nudes… I could put that Brad Pitt picture in here, next to mine… hehe.”

“Oh, and he calls me a bitch… listen to her, hehe.”

“Yeah, well, it was an idea… hehe.”

“True, but you know, I don’t think there is room in there for any more pictures… hehe.”

“WHAT? Hey you…”

Josh pulled the pendent up and opened it with his fingernail, and there inside were indeed two pictures. On one side was a cut out of him, and the other one had a picture cut out of Billy. He stared down into the dark sparkling eyes that were his lover’s and he looked up, to see Billy standing over him, that same sparkle full sized and twinkling like a million stars had just burst out into the sky.

He looked back down at the smiling face, then up to the real one and his heart trembled as he realized once more just how much Billy was his man, his mate, his lover. He began to cry as the strong arms came down and lifted him upwards, gently shutting the pendent in his hands. His face was tilted upwards and he saw the sparkling eyes coming closer to his face.

gaystoryman

120

Josh felt the kiss on his lips, the salt from his tears smeared with the saliva from his mouth and he felt the rough edge of Billy’s tongue flick outwards and take the teardrops away. He opened his mouth to let his lover’s tongue in and he felt the warmth once more flare back into life, back to being a raging inferno deep within his soul.

He felt a small pang at his heart as he gripped the pendant tightly. It meant so much to him, it was his rose, and he looked up to see a knowing smile in Gordon’s eyes. He answered back with his own smile, turning his face into a thing of beauty, least, which was what Gordon, said, and echoed loudly by Billy. He felt strangely nervous as he thought back to when he discovered the pictures.

Josh had never known such love before, and it amazed him how each passing day brought him new awareness of just how much Billy meant to him. He would wake up at night, to just prop himself up on one elbow and stare over at the sleeping Billy next to him. Strange, but he had never felt comfortable with someone else in the bed with him, yet when he tried to sleep without Billy, he never could.

The few times that Billy would get up to fix breakfast, like on Saturdays, he would awaken before Billy could even get to the bathroom. Billy would always tell him to go back to sleep and he would smile and agree yet he never could. He would lay there, waiting till Billy had finished showering and gone down to start his cooking.

He would then rise and shower himself, feeling the wet towel that Billy had just used, or smelling the fresh scent of his soap. It always made him very horny and yet not in a sexual way really. It was like he was merely pinching himself, letting him know that what he had wasn’t some dream, that it was real.

Josh couldn’t explain it, he had tried a few times, but the words just never came out. He loved Billy so much that he felt like he was missing something of his own body when Billy wasn’t there. He hated it when he went out the door, even if it was to just go and grab some groceries.

Funny, but in the last few months, they really were never alone much. Generally if they needed something, the other would always go along. He had asked Billy why he came with him once, and was stunned to find that Billy simply didn’t want to be out of his sight. That had gotten a big wet kiss from him, and it had also made him feel all tingly and warm inside. He had felt the same way, but had felt that maybe he was smothering Billy.

To find out that Billy felt the same way had made him feel like there was no stopping them. Their future was ahead of them and they dreamed of it and he knew that only death would ever separate them. He shivered as that thought floated by his mind and the hall clock struck the midnight hour.

Josh felt a slight chill as the last of the chimes echoed and he

gaystoryman

started to settle himself. These last few minutes were always the hardest for him, as he waited for Billy to get home. He would start to sweat a little, as the minutes would drag by, and inside his heart would start to go just a bit faster as the time grew closer.

Josh leaned back in the chair, his eyes fixed to the very slow moving minute hand of the clock as his hands clutched the shiny pendent on his chest. He could feel Billy next to him, his heart could feel his touch, and his nose could smell that very special scent of sweat and Billy that aroused him totally. His body was bracing itself for his arrival, as it always did.

It was kind of funny actually, the way he would feel his cock stirring in his pants, right at around 10 after the hour, he could feel his pants feel tight, knowing that his dick was itching to welcome home its partner, its mate, its love. His buttocks would feel clammy too, as it too seemed anxious to feel Billy’s touch. He never could get used to that, the way he would itch and squirm those last few minutes before the front door opened.

It wasn’t that he was a sex maniac; it was just that he didn’t feel whole unless he could touch and caress that warm body of Billy’s. There was no other feeling like the soft touch of Billy’s hands across his chest. The way he would move the pendent from over his heart then bend down and kiss his chest. God, that feeling was so awesome; it always made him struggle to retain control. He knew if he didn’t , that the kiss would make him blow his load then and there, which really wasn’t a bad idea but there was always so much more to do before he could let himself loose like that.

Sex with Billy was always special, always different, no matter how tired he was, and when he got home he was hornier than Josh. He never thought that was possible, yet night after night Billy would prove him wrong. God, it felt so good to be loved like this, and he had a whole lifetime of this to look forward to.

The sudden thought brought his head up to stare at the clock and he saw the minute hand creeping just past the 3, and he looked towards the doorway, waiting for the tell tale sound of a key in the lock, and the creak of the knob as it would open to reveal to his aching heart his other half.

The seconds ticked on by, louder with each click, echoing harshly in his head as they moved onwards. His heart started to race ahead, eager for its nightly release. The love inside of him was growing stronger now, as the seconds continued their slow march forward. He could feel the palms of his hands getting sweaty as one hand clutched the arm of the chair and the other held tightly to the pendent.

The clock ticked forward and as the hand reached the 12 and the long hand of the clock jerked forward to rest on the 6, the chimes

gaystoryman

started, signalling the half hour. Josh felt his heart constrict, a deep chill seemed to suddenly materialize and he felt cold. It was as if an icy hand had reached inside and squeezed his heart.

Josh stared at the door, waiting for the scratching noise of a key being inserted into the lock, when the house shook to the soft clamour of the door chimes. His hand jerked and he felt a tug on his neck, then he looked down into his hand. Therelay the pendent, the chain dangling downwards.

The sudden noise of the door chimes had made his hand pull down, and the chain had broken in his force. The pendent lay there, staring up at him and suddenly he felt scared. Something was wrong and he could feel tears coming to his eyes. His heart seemed to stop beating for a second as the chimes continued to sound in the room.

Gordon looked at Josh; saw the chain dangling from out of his closed fist. A cold hand gripped his heart as he dropped the book in his hand. His eyes traveled first to Josh’s face, then as if being drawn by a magnet it focused on the glass encased rose. He blinked as he saw the light glitter on the small teardrop, hanging from the pedal. His whole body shivered, as he stared at the rose. Fear gripped him and he could see it raging inside of Josh’s face.

Silently he rose up out of the chair. He reached out to help Josh stand up and he could see the panic etched across the young face. He smiled, trying to calm the boy’s nerves, failing as his own fears grow inside of him. His eyes looked down at the broken chain, clutched tightly in Josh’s hand, his knuckles white from the pressure and his own eyes took a backwards glance at the rose above the mantle.

The light seemed dim, the blue light barely visible, as if a cloud had passed over it. He shivered and could feel his heart trembling with pure fear. His hand shook as it rested on Josh’s shoulder and he turned back to stare at the young blond next to him. There were tears in his eyes, and darkness that he had never seen before.

Together they walked out into the hallway to find Manuel by the front door, his aged body sagging by the massive doorframe. Gordon could feel the cold penetrate his spine, making every step pure agony as he walked towards the door and the unknown visitors.

Manuel turned to look at the approaching bodies and his face showed his own fear. Gordon could see the lines of age clearly etched on the servants face, but they were different this time. He glanced upwards, to stare over his servant towards the doorway, to see two tall young men.

He narrowed his eyes, feeling Josh’s hand grip his own, feeling him pressing the pendant deep into his skin as he recognized the figures as being two Police Officers. They stood there,in their dark blue uniforms, badges glittering in the hallway lights.

gaystoryman

Gordon took it all in, the uniforms, the dark face of one, and the pale face of the other. Neither of the two officers able to look at him or Josh as they approached the doorway. Neither of them able to keep their eyes on any one place as he and Josh stopped besides the shaking figure of Manuel.

Somehow Gordon managed to summon up enough courage to speak.

“Yes Officers… is there something wrong?”

Gordon hated the sound of his voice, hated having to ask and yet he knew he must. His heart felt like ice, and he could feel Josh’s hand clasping his tight, feel the icy cold of the once hot hand.

“Uh, yes sir, I am afraid so… I am sorry but there isn’t any easy way to say this…”

That was all he heard as he felt his whole left side stagger with a sudden pressure of immense pain. His mouth flew open as he staggered against the opened door. Two strong arms reached out for him and he felt a tugging on his left arm as he fought to regain his balance.

The pressure on his hand was gone, it was numb and ached as he leaned against the solid wooden door, the hands helping to keep him from falling to the tiled floor. He stared blankly ahead, seeing the stars outside, but they weren’t clear to him. They didn’t shine out in the clear blue of the night, they seemed tarnished, dull and lifeless.

His heart ached and he could feel a strange tightness around his chest. He was having trouble catching his breath and yet he couldn’t move. His legs felt like lead, his arms dangled at his side and he felt dizzy.

Gordon could feel himself being carried, his legs shuffling along the floor as two very strong arms seemed to be guiding him to the chair. Manual was leaning still against the doorframe, his eyes blank.

He glanced down and saw the floor but nothing else, he turned to stare outside and saw nothing, no moon, no stars, just black emptiness. Tears were flowing down his cheeks now and his heart quaked from a pain that was tearing him apart. He had never felt such pain, such anguish as he did right now and he couldn’t speak. His mouth moved but he couldn’t hear any words, nothing came from his lips.

The room seemed to be dark, there was a yellow tint to it but he couldn’t make anyone out. He knew there were people there, he could hear the soft rumble of voices inside his head and yet he couldn’t see anyone. Where was Billy, he needed Billy to help him, but he couldn’t find him. He reached out with his hand, hearing the sound of metal striking the floor.

It was his pendent, it had fallen from his grasp and he bent forward to search for it. Josh was on his knees, tears were flowing from his face, and he cried, “THE PENDENT, WHERE IS THE PENDENT?” but

gaystoryman

no one answered him right away.

He was feeling all around the floor, struggling to find the pendent but he couldn’t move, his arms were being held and he felt himself being lifted up, being restrained. Damn it, he couldn’t let them do this, he had to find the pendent, Billy would be upset if he knew he had lost it, he couldn’t do that, he had to find the pendent.

“PLEASE, I HAVE TO FIND IT, CAN”T YOU SEE… BILLY WILL BE MAD, I NEED TO FIND IT. GOD SOMEONE HELP ME FIND IT… OH GOD PLEASE,” he cried out, the sound of his young voice ripping apart the quiet of the night air. It shook the house, and his sobs filled the emptiness of the night.

“OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME,” he shouted out, his body pressed against the wall, his legs unmoving, his body shaking uncontrollably as he searched for the pendent.

Suddenly he felt his hand being opened by someone’s strong grip and a soft metal disc being place in the palm of it. He knew it was his pendent and he cried, his tears flowing uncontrollably down his cheeks, dropping heedlessly to the floor.

Gordon had heard the cries and added his own as the light gradually grew clearer to him. His heart was aching beyond measure, his whole body still shook but the urgent plea of Josh’s voice woke him to action. He shrugged off the two strong arms that held him, surprising everyone with their power and he strode quickly to the fallen figure of Josh.

gaystoryman

He saw the pendant on the floor by his feet and quickly he picked it up, then pried open the young hand, to gently place it inside. He saw the recognition dawn on Josh’s anguish riddled face, and he saw the tears of pain flowing unheeded down his cheeks. He grabbed the boy out of the policeman’s arms and brought him into his own pain-ravaged body. Together they cried, their tears mingling together to form a river of despair and loneliness that only time and God could ever heal.

Chapter 8

If you look Up, There are no limits.

Japanese Proverb

They had talked the whole afternoon away and slowly Billy had started to get excited. He saw the way Josh’s eyes lit up each time he came up with a new idea or a new thought on what he could do; but the greatest thrill was when Gordon asked Josh what he wanted to do.

It had been an awkward moment until Josh said he had always wanted to be more than just a labourer. Gordon had simply beamed at

gaystoryman

him and Billy could even feel his own chest swelling with pride. This was his guy and well, it seemed only right.

Dinner was even more of the same except when Gordon brought out the bottle. Billy’s face dropped a mile as he recognized the Dom Perngion Champagne. He had seen it before, and knew that this wasn’t exactly a dinner drink, this was for something special and Gordon knew how to make it that. For the first time Billy actually believed that his life was turning around for the better.

It was a totally awesome experience for both Billy and Josh. For the first time, both of them were actually able to think more of what they wanted than of what they had to do. Josh couldn’t believe his good fortune. Only a few months earlier he had thought that he would never see his nineteenth birthday, that the scars he carried inside would always be there, until that day, the day he had planned to end his pain and that of his young life’s sorrows.

Now he had Billy, and while that had brought him a great deal of joy, the sight of him all battered and bruised had shaken him back to his own reality. He had felt that life wasn’t meant to be happy, and yet now, from that pain he was getting a chance. He still wasn’t sure of how or why, but the transformation of Gordon was uplifting. It gave him hope that maybe his own life could really be something.

Josh smiled at Billy, as they sat on the edge of the huge bed, in the huge bedroom they had moved into now lock stock and barrel. Tomorrow Gordon was taking them shopping he said. He couldn’t have his new found adopted sons looking like rag muffins. Billy still wasn’t sure, but hadn’t argued much, as he was still trying to figure out the why’s and what’s of it all. He did know one thing though, that it felt good not to have to worry about a place to stay for tomorrow, or where the food was going to come from tomorrow or the next day.

Billy stared across at Josh, seeing the light in his eyes. Funny, he had noticed that Josh had a nice sparkle but he was absolutely radiant tonight. His eyes sparkled like the entire sky had come down to earth and now resided inside of his body. It was like he was glowing from deep within, his smile as bright as the sun shining in the morning, his eyes sparkling as if they had a thousand stars blinking inside of them. This was a complete turn around, and he could feel something else, he could feel lightness in his own chest. There wasn’t any weight, pressure, holding him down.

He leaned over and kissed Josh on the lips, in mid sentence, and felt the saliva of his lover. It had a strange taste to it, a sort of minty flavour, but he liked it. The surprise kiss made his own heart skip a quick beat, and he leaned back.

“What was that for?”

“Oh, I don’t know… guess just cause I love you.”

Damn, was that him talking? Billy couldn’t believe it, here he was, fresh bruises still hurting all over, burns on his thighs and his cock, and he was happy, ecstatic in fact. Funny how just the idea of not being a fucking whore anymore in order to live could simply erase the pain.

Josh looked at Billy, leaning back on his arms now, smiling like a Cheshire cat. He could still feel the warm pressure of his lips, when he just reached across and kissed him. He could feel the way his heart had leapt forward, as if reaching out in its own way to not miss any of Billy’s presence. He could smell him even now, as if he was right under his nose, not 2 feet away.

“What you grinning at?”

“Hehe… you Mr. Sexy.”

“Yeah, you say that but I don’t see you doing anything about it.”

“Oh, is that a dare?”

“Well…”

Josh launched his body forward, taking Billy completely by surprise. He fell into the lanky frame, forcing Billy to fall backwards, his arms now stretched outwards, his back firmly planted into the mattress. A pleased smile of pure joy splitting his face wide open, was all that Josh could see. It made his heart quiver with anticipation as he forced his legs

gaystoryman

to either side of Billy’s prone body.

He sat on top of Billy, his hands resting firmly on top of the chest, keeping his ‘man’ down on the bed. He looked down, smiling with a wicked grin curling around his jaw. His eyes were sparkling as he stared down at the well built upper body of his lover. His heart felt light, for the first time since he hit the road. It was as if he could be a kid again, not have to worry about things like how to pay the rent, where he and Billy were going to eat next, or if Billy would come home all battered and bruised again.

“You just going to sit there or you got a plan?”

Billy’s taunting voice broke through his reverie, and he bent down, planting a huge wet kiss on the nose of his lover. Billy squirmed a little, trying to shift his weight, but Josh held him tight, and started to reach down with his hands. He pushed the thin shirt open, feeling a button pop but no longer caring. He reached inside to feel the warm beat of Billy’s heart.

Billy cried out, the cold hand of Josh making him shiver, and he reached up with his own hands now to firmly grip Josh’s waist. The touch of his own hands around Josh made him tingle all over. His whole body started to quiver, as if it had just touched an electrical current. He felt a strange warm sensation running through his entire body.

Slowly he managed to catch his breath, feeling Josh’s hand running down his chest, touching him like it was a new experience. He blinked as he opened his eyes. For some odd reason he couldn’t focus, he knew Josh was there, but so was a soft blue light. It just seemed to flow outwards from the darker figure that had to be Josh. Once more he blinked, and as he did he could feel his heart starting to pound inside his chest. The soft hands were gently touching him, loving him, and he felt like he could simply float away.

Billy dropped his hands and lay there on the bed as Josh lightly ran his hands along the battered body. Each bruise, each ache that he had seemed to suddenly disappear from his memory. He could feel something leaving him, yet he didn’t feel any loss, instead he felt like he was finally becoming whole, becoming a real person, not just someone’s idea of a good time.

His breathing was becoming ragged as he surrendered to the warmth and the blue light. Billy gazed upwards, watching the intent expression on Josh’s face as his hands moved ever so slowly along his chest. He saw Josh take a breath as one of his hands found his right nipple, gently playing with it. Billy could see the sudden deepening of the blue that seemed to emanate from Josh. He realized the blue was deepening as it registered in Josh’s head that he was touching the nipple that had the burn scab on it.

gaystoryman

104

Billy was mesmerized by the deepening blue, and instead of feeling guilty or remorse, he felt nothing but a heightened sense of love and understanding. His eyes locked onto Josh’s and he didn’t see anger, he didn’t see any revulsion, all he could see was a deepening love. Tears started to flow down his cheeks as the realization hit him, and instead of being ashamed, he just lay there, exposing his true feelings to the one person who could help him.

Josh saw the small drops running down the corners of Billy’s face as his fingers ran lightly across the battered and bruised nipple. He felt the roughness of the newly formed scar, caused by a cigarette burn. He felt his heart reach out, trying to cover the pain, willing the flesh to forget the pain it had endured. He looked down at his lover, feeling his surrender.

Slowly Josh reached up with his hand, his fingers trembled slightly, but he regained control, and lightly he wiped away the rolling tears. He bent down now, his face just above Billy’s, and as he closed his eyes, he saw a blue shadow float down and envelop them both, just as his lips brushed up against Billy’s tear stained eyes.

Josh could feel his heart reaching out now, could feel his whole body starting to gather itself, to prepare itself. He thought briefly at how worried he had been that night, how scared he was, and he felt a slight chill, wondering if that would ever happen again. As he looked down he knew that he only wanted one thing out of life, that was to never be apart from Billy.

His lips brushed lightly, tasting the salt of the tears and suddenly he found himself stretched out on top of Billy’s prone body. He could feel his heart pounding inside his chest as he started to kiss the cheeks, then the nose, feeling his penis straining within his jeans. His hands now were pushing down, feeling the strong muscles that were Billy’s stomach.

The feeling of Josh’s lips sent a wave of warmth throughout his entire body. Billy couldn’t stop himself, tears continued to roll down his cheeks, and as each one passed from his eyes, he could feel Josh kissing him, feeling him wipe them away with the touch of his hand, and he knew then that he had found his soul mate, the one person who he could share everything with.

Billy opened his eyes to find the deep blue of Josh’s eyes staring lovingly into his own dark eyes. His body seemed to suddenly spring alive, the muscles coiled inside him. He could feel his stomach tighten, his balls pushing upwards, his penis pressing hard up against his jeans. His lungs seemed to be sucking in the air like a vacuum and yet he still felt like he needed more air.

They stared at each other, lost in their own thoughts of love. Josh couldn’t believe what he was seeing, and feeling. His heart ached, not

gaystoryman

from pain but from the strong feeling of love and need of Billy.

It was like suddenly being brought to the surface after spending an eternity in the dark recess of the earth. Billy felt like he had just been reborn, the way his heart leapt for joy, as it felt Josh’s firm and urgent beat.

Billy reached up, his hands pressed against either side of Josh’s head and he brought that beautiful shaggy haired face down to meet his own. As his eyes closed he saw nothing but Josh’s mouth as he brought his lips up to taste the young fresh pink lips. He could feel the warmth, the salt from his tears on the thin lips, and his body trembled.

As his lips touched Josh’s, he felt the bed shake beneath him, and he knew that he had just surrendered himself to another human being. For the first time Billy willingly, without any doubts, any guilt, any hesitation, gave himself up to another human being. His muscles suddenly released themselves; his cock began to jerk hard within his pants, as his tongue tasted his own salty tears on Josh’s lips. He shivered as the tip of his tongue touched the warm rough tip of Josh’s and together they started to court, one minute flashing in one’s mouth, then retreating as the other prodded inside, poked around, tasting each inch of the other’s mouth.

He felt Josh’s lips crush against his own, felt his breath leave his body and suddenly he was breathing from Josh’s own lungs. His body continued to quake as the mouths joined together and they kissed hard now, neither one willing to stop to let the other have a taste. Their tongues battled for space as they ran around the teeth, the gums, tasting each other, revelling in each other’s peculiar taste.

Josh could feel his whole body shaking as he pressed down harder and harder against Billy’s own quivering body. He could feel the legs shaking, the vibrations from his chest as Billy’s muscles uncoiled. His own body matched tremor for tremor, quake for quake, as their mouths became one. Their breath no longer his or mine, but theirs as they breathed as one. He could feel Billy’s warm breath flow into his own lungs, feel his breath reach deep inside of Billy.

His legs were to the outside of Billy’s, and yet they couldn’t move, the shaking was just too much. His whole body was nothing but a mass of shakes now as they kissed harder and harder.

Gradually the shaking slowed down, the tremors no longer coming on top of each other. Both bodies started to regain their composure. Billy could hear his heart pounding inside him, or was that Josh’s? As he wondered at it, he also realized that together, they were one and with one final spasm, his body sprung upwards to meet Josh’s own trembling downward heave.

Josh had his face against Billy’s, his heavy breath now blowing across the red lips of Billy. Their eyes slowly opened together, as they

gaystoryman

stared once more into each other’s soul. There was no tremor, no trembling, no quaking, just peace as they lay there soaking up each other’s presence. It was no longer a miracle to them, no longer a shock; it was as it was supposed to be.

“I love you Billy.”

“I know Josh, I know.”

“I came in my pants Billy but…”

“Yes… but we have a whole lifetime of doing this, and Josh…”

“Yes?”

“So did I.”

Josh stared across at Billy and sighed deeply, knowing it was indeed real. This was his love, his mate. Billy could feel his acceptance within Josh’s heart. His eyes misted over as he reached across and lightly kissed Josh.

They lay there, breathing in the air, breathing in the special smell that was each other. It was intoxicating to them both, and Josh felt like he had just drank a Texas Mickey of alcohol, he was so buzzed. Billy felt light headed, as if he had just spent an entire evening drinking, and he felt all warm, safe and secure. A feeling that was strange to him these last several years, but which was slowly coming back to his memory.

“What are you thinking of ?”

“You.”

“Yeah, right. Seriously Billy what are you thinking of ?”

“I am serious… I am thinking of you, me, of all of this, how you can go to sleep aching and all, then wake up and find yourself somewhere totally different.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean… this is real isn’t it Billy?”

“Uh huh, I didn’t think it was at first, but yeah… it’s real.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know yet, I … well…”

“What?”

“I don’t know… I kind of want to get a job, a real job where you get an hourly wage, no haggling after, no showers after, none of that crap… sounds stupid doesn’t it?”

“No… no it doesn’t… but what kind of job?”

“I don’t know… hell maybe just working at the corner store there for a bit…”

“Really? But… I mean is that all you want to do?”

“No… not for ever, but yeah, just for now, for a bit.”

“Why, I mean Gordon is willing to help us do more than that… why would you…”

“Be a store clerk or such? I guess because I can now… yeah I want more, lots more, but right now I just want to get a real pay check, not a hand out, shit, I ain’t saying this right.”

gaystoryman

“I think I know what you mean, I guess…”

“Look, I know that we can get more, do more, and I want that, as long as we do it together. But right now I want to just earn enough to take you out for a cup of coffee without asking for a handout, without having to find some guy for a quick score… lame isn’t it?”

“No… fuck, I don’t need any coffee from some shop Billy, not as long as we are together. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“I know that Josh… that is why I need to do this… you deserve more than…”

“Billy, don’t… I think I know what you mean… and it’s okay with me, whatever makes you happy…”

Billy just stared at Josh; he could feel the immense trust and love that was in that lanky farm boy body. How far they had come in just a few months, and now they had a chance at a real future. He could actually do something with his life, not just be a bed warmer for some old guy.

Josh could see the way Billy was thinking and he reached out with his hand, to lay it across the broad chest, to feel the heart beating away within. He sighed as his hand touched the warm body and Billy groaned slightly as well. It was as if they were in harmony together, not just sexually, or even physically but in a very deep spiritual way.

It waslike they could actually read each other’s thoughts, as they lay there thinking of a future. There was something exciting about it, the way Josh could look at Billy and feel how he wanted to set about on this new life. What amazed him, and sent a shiver down his spine, was that when he would have an answer or question to those thoughts, he could feel Billy hearing them inside, he could actually feel an answer too, and that made him tingle all over.

Billy got up and headed off for the bathroom, the night growing old, as they had lain there just enjoying being next to each other. There wasn’t a second when some part of their bodies weren’t touching, keeping in tune with the other. It was also a time when they felt at total peace. Nothing could intrude on their future planning.

He entered the bathroom, switching on the soft glowing yellow light and did his business. Billy stared into the mirror as he washed up, looking into his own dark eyes, seeing the little boy who had left home so battered and bruised, barely alive. He saw his past flash before him, the tricks, and the run-ins with police, crooks, and other’s that a life living alone brought you into contact with.

In the past it would make him sad, but this time he could see it all, and instead of it taking hold and controlling him, it just seemed to pass by. Now he saw him and Josh, trees rolling across the view, never ending. There were fields of flowers and birds chirping as he wiped his hands. Finally he was seeing more than a cloud ahead, he was seeing

gaystoryman

sunshine and pleasure. His whole body seemed to glow as he stared into the mirror, feeling so comfortable, so warm, and so damn excited.

Walking back into the bedroom, he noticed a small flickering light by the bed, a soft dancing yellow light greeted him and he stopped just inside the room. His eyes narrowed, getting accustomed to the light, and there on the bed he saw Josh, lying with his head propped up on two pillows.

He smiled and was rewarded with a wide grin from the body on the bed. Billy could see a small candle flickering on the nightstand and as he looked back towards Josh, he could see that Josh had stripped down to nothing and was lying there totally naked. God, he looked so damn handsome there, his long legs stretched out, his full young body glistening in the semi dark of the night.

Orange shadows crossed the golden body, making it glitter in the pale light. Billy took a deep breath, feeling his own body reacting to the vision before his eyes. As the flickering light crossed Josh’s body, Billy could see the pale blue outline around his lover’s body. He could almost feel the heat reaching out towards him, and he walked slowly towards the bed, stopping briefly at the foot of the bed to remove his own clothes.

As he came up to the edge of the bed, he looked down at Josh. The flickering candle silhouetted him and it brought an even wider grin to Josh’s face. The smile made Josh’s face spread open, the deep blue eyes glittering in the pale light, like two newly formed stars in the dark night sky. They held his attention as he slowly crawled onto the bed to lie next to Josh.

“You are the best thing that ever happened to me Josh,” Billy whispered softly as he ran his hand lovingly down the firm young body. It was thrilling to just touch the warm flesh, to feel the way the body reacted, moving to his touch, as if wanting more of it, as if saying, MORE, MORE .

Josh didn’t say anything, he just looked up into Billy’s eyes and reached out to take the slow moving hand on his belly and pushed it down towards his groin. As he did he reached up with his other hand to pull the dark haired boy above him down to his own face.

With his eyes locked onto Billy’s he opened his mouth and he felt the rough edge of Billy’s tongue running across his teeth. His heart ached as it started to race inside his chest. His pulse rate shot up and his breathing was becoming faster as he looked deep into the dark eyes, seeing the warm glowing light that was Billy.

Their lips touched, and it was like a hot fire erupting in the middle of a dry forest. Their passion could no longer be held in check, and Josh groaned loudly, filling the room with his urgent demand for love. Billy’s own voice echoed the same sentiment and suddenly the two bodies

gaystoryman

were engaged totally.

Arms were entwined together, legs wrapping themselves up with the others as if trying to join together. Their fully erect penises pushed and poked and prodded the other, as if searching for an opening to bury themselves in.

Hands roamed across the firm flesh, touching every opening, feeling every scar, every indent in the bodies they were attacking. They moved slowly one second, then frantically the next, as if afraid they would miss some corner, some piece of the hot flesh.

Billy’s mind couldn’t keep track as wave after wave of pure love flowed through him. His whole body was a mass of twisting limbs and heart palpitating jolts. His toes arched outwards, his fingers flexed outwards, ever searching, constantly touching. It was like they were seeing each other for the first time. Their unbridled passion burst forth, their hard bodies grew harder. Their muscles coiled even tighter within their young bodies, the skin grew taut as the passion flowed from deep within their souls.

Josh could barely breath, he felt like his head would explode with all the wonderful feelings that was bombarding his thoughts. There was so much to do, so much to feel, that his brain was reaching out to try and gather it all in. His heart was pounding, relentless in its beat, strident in its desire.

Billy could feel his whole body aching under the strain of being so tight, so hard. He could feel the tiny beads of sweat forming as he twisted his body, willing his limbs to bend in ways they weren’t meant to. He couldn’t not be a part of Josh, not now, now he needed to be as one with the lanky eager body next to him. His heart was pushing him harder, urging his body onwards, to fit, to mix, and to join.

Josh didn’t think his heart could go any faster, yet somehow it managed to increase its speed. His whole chest ached, along with every part of his body. One second he found himself tasting Billy’s mouth, then he was kissing the soft flesh of his inner thigh, he even tasted the salty top of Billy’s hard cock. Each sensation, each kiss brought him even more pleasure and made his heart race even faster.

He was sure he would explode any second, the way his whole body seemed to be convulsing. The touch of his lips against Josh’s full balls almost made him cry out in pain, the feeling was so intense. His body was moving in so many directions at once that he lost all track of where he was.

The bed groaned and creaked as the two young bodies flew all over the surface, springing one second to the edge on one side, then up to the top of the bed, then back to the foot and all over. It groaned almost as loudly as the two boys did, as their mouths found new spots to kiss and taste.

gaystoryman

110

Josh could feel his body surging, the blood just rampaging inside like a burst dam. His head was light and everything seemed to just float around him as he twisted and turned. His mouth was tasting new sensations every second, feeling the saltiness of Billy’s pre-cum one second, then the sweet pungent taste of his pink sphincter muscle.

They moved in a weird dance, their legs crossing a chest one second, then lying across an arm the next. Billy slipped his hard penis into Josh’s rectum once, to spread his lover open, feeling the sudden intake of breath as he entered, then he was back out, his mouth replacing his throbbing penis. Billy’s tongue worked its way deep inside Josh’s opened rectum.

Then it was Josh’s turn as Billy moved up and as he reached to kiss his lover’s sweat covered face, he felt his buttocks itching as he lowered himself quickly onto the pulsing pole that poked at him. He cried out briefly as the hot dripping penis entered his own tight anus, and yet he needed more than that. Billy kissed hard, sending his tongue rampaging down into the eager and willing throat as his buttocks tightened its hold on the pulsing cock inside. He could feel his rectal muscles contracting, forcing the inner muscles to wrap even harder around the thick throbbing cock.

Josh flung his arms from side to side as he felt Billy squeezing his throbbing cock. There was no sense of time as he lurched his body upwards, forcing his thick cock even deeper into the eager rectum of Billy. His mouth was sore from the harsh probing of Billy’s tongue; his cock sore from the tight hold of Billy’s ass on his cock. He groaned loudly knowing that his time was coming very quickly. Somehow he managed to gain some control over his hands and he found his fingers now wrapped around the hot pulsing penis of Billy.

He stroked it with each thrust of his hips upwards; with each flick of Billy’s tongue he squeezed his fingers tighter. Josh could feel his saliva dripping out of the corners of his mouth, and he could taste the sweet flavour of Billy’s tongue as his body tightened its hold. His muscles were coiling even harder and he could feel his back pressing deep into the bed, forcing the springs even farther down.

Billy knew it was close, he could sense it, his mind was now reaching out, his whole being concentrated deep with Josh’s soul. He could feel each muscle coiling, feel the tenseness, the way the legs were now stretched fully out, the toes arching down towards the side of the bed. His own body was coiling in unison with that of Josh. The time was coming and suddenly he broke off, taking his mouth off the firm thin lips of his lover, his tongue no longer pushing down the warm open throat.

His whole body lifted itself, feeling the prone taut body beneath him reach upwards, as if to hold onto his own sweating flesh. He could

gaystoryman

barely breath, his chest was so tight from a lack of air, yet he struggled to gasp for more as he flung himself around.

Billy felt the hot throbbing cock slide out of his rectum in one swoop. His eyes opened, he turned and with his hips now resting over Josh’s face, he lowered his face towards the red throbbing cock in front of him. He could see the white pre-cum oozing out of the swollen cock head, and he felt his own cock now pressing against Josh’s own opened mouth.

For one brief second he stared at the thick waving cock in front of his mouth. He saw the tiny blond hairs matted all around the base of the thick cock, seeing the way they curled around, and then his mouth was over the thick red head. He could taste the salty pre-cum and then he felt his lips slide down the hot flesh, feeling the thick vein underneath the hot shaft quiver as his lips pressed against the taut skin.

Josh could feel the wet sticky cream against his lips. He opened his mouth eagerly to accept this sudden gift, and he opened his eyes to watch the body above his face lower itself slowly onto his face. He breathed deeply, smelling that special scent that was Billy and he could feel his heart leap forward. It felt like it had left his body as the hot throbbing cock pushed past his teeth and wedged itself slowly into his mouth.

The hot cock pushed his tongue aside, refusing to stop its downward motion. Josh watched the dark wiry hair of Billy’s groin come closer to his face, closer with each passing second. He marvelled at the way the body came down to him, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, letting the huge hot flesh of his penis fill his mouth, then work its way down his wide open throat.

He could see the balls swinging lightly underneath, their sac containing the very essence of his lover. Josh opened his eyes wider as he tasted the warm pre-cum sliding down his throat in advance of the pulsing cock head. The dark haired balls were closer now, brushing up against his nose as the huge cock filled his mouth, and his throat with its heat.

Josh breathed in deeply, sucking the huge pole even further into his throat, feeling himself gasp for air as the huge throbbing piece of flesh filled him. He could feel his body shake to the pressure, and he cried out in pure joy as every muscle in his body seemed to come alive, and spring outward.

Billy felt the tremor start deep inside of Josh. He could feel the excitement in the throbbing cock as it filled his throat and wedged itself deep into him. The huge balls were tight against the shaking cock shaft and he wrapped his hands around the hot sweaty hips of his lover. The touch of his fingers brought an even harder tremble to the body beneath him.

gaystoryman

112

He could feel his own body shaking, feel his own muscles suddenly reaching outwards. A distant cry started to penetrate his ears as he found himself letting out a loud vibrant groan. His body was unleashing his muscles and he felt the room shake beneath him. Everything went all grey on him, the shape of the throbbing cock, the full balls lost their definition as his mind simply couldn’t take it all in anymore.

A wave of pure energy seemed to suddenly appear around them. Josh could feel a sudden burning in his throat and his groin and he felt his body arching upwards. His whole body had sprung up and it drove Billy’s throbbing cock further than he thought humanly possible. Huge streams of salty sweet cum came flooding into his throat and it made his body quiver and vibrate.

Billy’s muscles let go and his whole body came crashing down hard on top of Josh. He felt the huge throbbing cock jerking inside his mouth as his face pressed harder onto the groin. The blond pubic hairs of Josh now etched deep into his face as he swallowed the hot cock like he had never swallowed a cock before. Huge streams of Josh’s milk came flooding out into his throat and down into his belly. He could taste the sweetness of the cum and his throat eagerly drank it all, holding onto the pulsing cock, squeezing it even tighter as if to drain every drop of the precious liquid.

As he drank eagerly of the hot juice, he felt his buttocks quiver and shake as his own penis was pouring its own hot milk into just as eager a throat. It was unreal; his eyes blinked as he saw tiny strands of blond pubic hairs curl and touch his long dark eyelashes. His mind was suddenly off, no longer able to focus, lights flashed before him and he silently prayed to God, thanking him for the love that he was receiving. His heart whined loudly, screaming out into the night like a jet engine pushed beyond its maximum capacity and yet it still kept racing, still kept the fuel flowing, despite the strain.

The two bodies shook and quivered under the release. Two sets of hard young muscles uncoiled together, meeting the other in mid air. The two hard bodies crashed into each other, one on an upward lurch, and the other on a downward press. They came together as their young fresh milk flowed outwards, filling each with their love and joy.

It was over as suddenly as it began; Billy lying off to one side, his spent cock resting against Josh’s lips, Josh’s limp penis resting against his own cum covered lips. Neither had to say anything, neither had to look at the other, they just together put their one free arm on top of the other’s legs, the now drained cocks resting against their mouths, and closed their eyes, satisfied for the moment with the love that they knew was theirs, and only theirs.

Chapter 7

Josh and Billy looked at each other. The words seemed to hang in the air as they looked into each other’s heart. The quiet manner in which Gordon had spoken those few words had touched them deeper than even Gordon had thought. He just stood there, looking into his glass of liquid courage. His whole body seemed to sag, not the usual Gordon pose. Billy could feel his heart being tugged by the almost pathetic figure that he had once feared.

Josh looked up first, his blue eyes squinting in the sunshine as he took in the man before him. There was something different, not just the physical change, but something far more complete. He had spent the night hating Gordon, in between his worry over Billy. He didn’t feel any

gaystoryman

kinder towards Gordon as the morning had gone on; but now, well now things seemed different. Maybe he was wrong, maybe Billy was really right when he said Gordon was one of the few decent john’s in his life.

His blue eyes found the dark orbs that seemed clouded over, no sparkle left in them. Josh could feel the deep sense of pain inside the man, as if he himself was inside feeling the heart twisting inside the rib cage. His body twitched as he stared further into the regions that was Gordon, searching for the angle.

“Come on Gordon, what are you talking about?”

“Just what I said Billy, no more being just a trick. I want more than that. I want to be your friend.”

“Yeah, right Gordon. Look, why would you want that? You say some of the strangest things… right now…”

“Right now is for real William; and what is it you are afraid of ? Am I that undesirable to you as a friend instead of a trick?”

“No… look you are taking this all wrong…”

“Maybe… but I know that sitting there with your lover… I never felt so fucking alone. So isolated…”

“You have friends Gordon… lots of them. Okay, so maybe I won’t cry if you were to suddenly die, that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

94

Gordon sat down in a chair, facing the two young men. Billy no longer lay back, he was sitting up, the worry clearly etched in his young face. Josh sat there, his head swiveling back and forth taking it all in. His eyes still trying to figure the whole scene out.

“What I have Billy are a large number of people who call me a friend, only because of what they get out of it. They don’t call me a friend because they mean it, no more than you do, at this moment. Now do you?”

“Okay. Yeah, I suppose maybe you are right to a point. But come on Gordon, just what do you expect from someone like me?”

“Someone like you? Is that supposed to mean you aren’t capable of having me as a friend? That a young person such as yourself can’t have older friends?”

“Fuck… no, that isn’t what I mean… shit… you want to really get into this Gordon… fine… let’s get into it. For starters you know damn well that all I am is a slut, a piece of meat for hire, and yeah, maybe I do want more than that, but that isn’t gonna happen. Fuck, I don’t even know how Josh here can stand being with me never mind someone with your culture or class…”

“Hold on Billy, you can’t mean all that. Sure, I know what you do, so does Josh and he is in love with you… why can’t…”

“He thinks he’s in love with me, but he’ll smarten up soon enough…”

“I don’t think so Billy. I am in love you and always will be. How can you say that I won’t?”

“Josh… look… I know what I am, okay? You don’t know the half of this type of life. You think you can handle it. But look at how freaked you are today? Come on admit it…”

“Okay… yeah, it scares me, but…”

“No buts, Josh… this is my life… this shit isn’t anything to what I’ve been through. Fuck, you only know the half of it… you think because we spent time together and nothing serious happened… that all I did was let a couple of jerks suck my dick that this really isn’t that bad of a life… well…”

“No Billy… I don’t think that… I am not totally stupid you know…”

“Come on William. Okay, so life being a male prostitute isn’t fun. Surely there are other things a talented person like you could do. You don’t need to be someone’s sex toy…”

“No? You don’t think so Gordon? Okay. Tell me this then. If you knew me, would you have let me and Josh stay here if it wasn’t for the chance and opportunity of you getting to wet your dick in our bodies? Come on… you want honesty… well…”

“Yes. Yesterday, and even up till last night, that would be true; but

gaystoryman

I have come to realize that even money isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I saw how Josh looked at you when you came back last night. I saw how he stood over you today… the way he cares. That is what it is all about Billy, and whether or not you sell your body, that type of love isn’t going to change how he feels about you.”

“Christ. You really think that love can conquer all Gordon? Man I had you pegged all wrong. I thought you had savvy…”

“I do Billy. Love by itself can move a great deal… with some faith and some hard work… yes, miracles can happen… so why not let them happen for you? I am not asking for much, am I?”

“Shit, you still don’t get it, do you Gordon?”

“Enlighten me then, William.”

“No. I don’t think you want me to… you… shit Gordon, why can’t it just be like it was? So I got roughed up a bit. Do you or Josh think I am so weak I can’t handle a bit of pain?”

“Handling pain that other’s inflict is one thing… when you have to… when you don’t have to is just plain stupid William, and you aren’t a stupid person.”

“Stupid? No maybe not stupid, but get real, both of you. I am a whore. Do you understand that? I sell my dick to some fat bastard with a buck or two… not because I like his greasy hands on my body, but because it is all I can do…”

“Now that is shit Billy. Maybe at times you have to… hell I did to

get out of my home, but there are other things we can do…”

“You think so Josh? Well then you aren’t too bright. Do either of you figure I like being a whore? I really don’t you know, not that what I want counts… but I do what I have to simply live…”

“That is a cop out William. Maybe there have been times when you haven’t had a choice, but now you do have one…”

“Do I? Neither of you get it… this is who I am… I am a slut, a whore, hoe, whatever you wanna call it. I have been doing this since I was 13 years old… yeah, that’s right… 13 because no one would hire me to wash dishes. The first time I tried that, I had the cops on my back, sending me back. I tried… this is what I do… this is what I survive on, my dick not my brains…”

“But that was then…”

“And what… now that I am older things are different? Fuck man, you live in a dream world Gordon. I have been on my own since I was 6 or so. I have been on the streets in some city since I was 14. I can show you hundreds of ways to get a condom on in less than a couple of seconds, but don’t ask me to conjugate some friggin verb cause I don’t even know what you talking about. I can read, a bit. And yeah, I can even write some. But to sit down and read one of them fancy books in your library? Not a fucking hope in hell Gordon. So what else am I

gaystoryman

gonna do?”

“Learn how… maybe?”

“Sure. And how am I supposed to live? You gonna let me stay here without giving you some of my dick?”

“Yes…”

“Come on… no way… you know that.”

“I am serious William. What is it you really want to do, what is it that you dream of doing?”

“And what does that matter? Shit man, it doesn’t matter what I want… it is what I am that counts… and for me that is being some piece of meat for guys like you to drool over and paw all the time. That’s what I am good for… and that’s what I do. So all this other shit… it’s only talk man. No way I can be more than this.”

“Says who?”

“Says everyone. Come on Gordon. I can show you dozens of ways to put a condom on that’ll make you moan like crazy but no way can I tell you how to set up your stereo, why your car has a weird sound or anything else. Fuck, I know I am no brain. So why beat a dead horse? Get real Gordon…”

“Billy, you aren’t a piece of meat to me… I love you… doesn’t that count for something?”

“Sure it does Josh. But that isn’t gonna put food on the table. It isn’t gonna get us a roof over our head is it? Man, you are living in a dream world of love beats the odds… it would be nice, lots of regular guys find it but they have something going for them other than how to suck a guy off without taking his juice…”

“William, enough of that shit… you have so much to offer… you aren’t stupid. You have a brain as well as the looks, so stop this feeling sorry for yourself… shit… listen to what we are saying. I know love won’t put food on the table but at least it’ll help make the hunger more bearable. It may not put a roof over your head either but at least it gives you something that’ll help keep you warm. That has to count for something… even in your eyes… doesn’t it?”

“God, you make it all sound so easy. But for me… I am not one of those who gets those kind of breaks Gordon. Yeah, I know you are gonna say I have Josh now, but how long is that going to last?”

“Forever, if you let it Billy… forever.”

“No Gordon… not forever… sorry Josh… I know you love me… why I still don’t know. And there is nothing I’d want more than to be with you for the rest of our lives. But I am also realistic… this type of life. It is only gonna make you crazy… it’ll make you hate me… and damn it… there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I am not good for anything else, don’t you two get it? I am nothing. All I have is a nice body, a decent cock, and the knowledge of how to use it… that is me,

gaystoryman

just a cock for hire. I want more… god, you don’t know how often I used to pray for more… but…”

“But what? You figure cause you didn’t get more then that now you are doomed to this type of life?”

“Yeah. Something like that. Hell, I am just not worth the effort for him. Even God has some standards you know… He… fuck… I can’t explain this… all I know is, Gordon, that I can’t live the way you think I should… I am a whore… it’s all I am good for…”

Gordon stared at his two young friends. Josh was in tears, you could see them rolling down his face, even his body was trembling in fear as he stared at Billy. You could see the pain written all over his face as he struggled to try and reach the one person whom he loved. Billy sat there, unwilling to meet anyone’s eyes. His face was also tear stained, but his body told it all. He really did feel that he had no other purpose in life, that for some reason he was alone in the world, doing what he could to just exist, his dreams buried so deep that he didn’t even remember them anymore. His spirit appeared broken, but Gordon could feel it still there, all it needed was a chance.

Gordon rose from the chair and slowly walked over to Billy. He sat down next to the quaking body. With a flick of his wrist, he threw his glass away into the pond, the noise and motion startling Billy and Josh. Then he simply opened his arms up, willing with all his might to have Billy fall into them. Patiently he waited as Billy slowly looked into his eyes, the tears now rolling freely down his cheeks.

It didn’t seem like much, merely a slight shudder at first, then it started to deepen. Billy felt his chest heave, his lungs desperate for air, his heart desperate for the warmth of those massive flabby arms. His brain recalled how he felt as Gordon carried him into the bedroom after he had dressed his wounds. He could feel the strong pressure of Josh’s hand as he walked by his side to the bedroom.

Then it was all over. Billy fell forward into Gordon’s waiting arms, tears falling like a cloudburst. His sobs came from deep within his guts and his whole body shook as he felt the massive arms close around his shivering body. He couldn’t control himself as he cried.

He thought back to his home, how his stepfather used to beat him, how his school mates thought he was weird because he never had anything new, not clothes, not shoes, not even books or pencils. Whatever he had, was always seconds, and the constant yelling voice of that drunk who pretended to be his father still echoed in his ears.

‘Loser. Dopey.’ Those were his words of encouragement. And here was someone who he respected telling him that those words weren’t true. He cried deeply, barely able to catch his breath and he could feel a strange warmth holding onto him. His back felt like he was being crushed and he realized that Josh was holding onto him as well, adding

gaystoryman

his own love and strength to Gordon’ s arms.

The tears flowed for what seemed like hours, but in fact was only a few minutes. His entire life passed in front of him as he let the two sets of arms hold onto his trembling body.

He saw his stepfather kicking him out to eat with the dogs simply because he got a poor grade on a spelling test. He saw the police office run his club into his gut because he didn’t like fags. He saw the leering face of the man from last night as he slowly placed the lit cigarette against his dick. He saw it all, but he saw something else as well. His eyes focused on a strange glow, it seemed to just be there, and then he saw the blue eyes of Josh.

His tears stopped as his brain focused on the soft glow of Josh’s eyes. The dark images of his life seemed to slowly disappear. The sharp jagged face of his stepfather now seemed to be rather wobbly and misshapened. The glow from the cigarette seemed to be lessening as the blue from Josh’s eyes grew deeper and seemed to just overwhelm his brain.

Billy pulled himself upright, letting the arms holding him slip away but he didn’t see the images return. All he could see was Josh. The soft skin wrinkled in concern, the eyes probing his being as he struggled to regain his own composure. The touch of Gordon’s hand on his knee felt like a security blanket.

“Well… uh… guess you hit a nerve Gordon… sorry bout this…

I generally am not such a sap…”

“No I suppose you haven’t wanted to be… until now… Billy, don’t you see. You don’t have to go on doing what you don’t want to be. Won’t you trust me?”

“Trust you? That’s a good one. No, I am not trying to be a jerk. Shit… this doesn’t make sense… why are you doing this? What is in it for you?”

“Angle? Yes, I guess that is how you must see this all. No, Billy, there isn’t really an angle. I just want to have a real friend… someone I can share all this with… someone who will be honest with me and who will let me be honest with them…”

“Okay. But why a broken down slut like me and a rookie like Josh? Tell me that…”

“Why. I don’t know exactly. I guess a lot of it is because of the way I have seen you two act together. I mean the way you seem to talk to each other that I have always read about, but never thought could exist. I suppose because, maybe, I can bask in some of that glow that just seems to envelop the two of you when you are together, being in love…”

“How do you… I don’t get it Gordon… you never acted like this. Why the change? It can’t be because of watching us make out or how

gaystoryman

we look at each other?”

“Yes Billy… that is why… because watching you two and seeing the way Josh acted last night, how you tried to make your pain less in front of him. It all brought it home to me… how I have missed out on what I really want.”

“What’s that?”

“Love. To be around because I am actually wanted, not because I am just the old guy paying the bills. I think with you two, I can get some of that. I think you two will help me be what I always wanted to be… a good friend. Is that too much to ask?”

“No… no… I guess not Gordon… but how? I mean anyway you slice it… I am who I am… and how…”

“Look Billy, I am not the answer man. What I am is someone who is learning as he goes along. But if you really don’t want to do what you do anymore, if you really want to have that life everyone else seems to have. And to have it with Josh here, then maybe together we can find our way to getting that.”

“I am not sure. I don’t know what else there is for me? I mean, how can I support Josh and myself if I don’t turn tricks? If our deal is dead, I have to find a place to live, and all of that isn’t cheap, least not in this place.”

“Who said anything about leaving?”

“Well, okay no one did, but how the fuck am I supposed to stay here and earn our keep, if the deal is dead… I don’t get it.”

“Yes. I can see your consternation, but William, a friend doesn’t charge his friends for his hospitality, nor does he toss them out the door when they need his help.”

“Sure, so I have been told, but get real, just how long are you going to put up with us staying here and you footing the bills.”

“Well, for starter’s Billy, you will be helping in that field… no, not with any special trips to the bedroom; and before you start, not for Josh either. But Manuel is getting rather old… and you two seem to handle the party pretty good, why not more of that? Why can’t you help out around the place, be sort of assistants to Manuel, least to start with. Then maybe we can find you a regular job… I don’t know Billy, shit I am winging this too.”

“Are you serious Gordon? I mean you really want us to stay here? No bedroom?”

“Yes William… if you want to that is… and if maybe Josh will forgive me?”

“Forgive you? Fuck, I’ll kiss you… are you really going to do this for Billy and me?”

“Hehe, yes Josh… I really am… if you’ll both let me that is… don’t get me wrong, we will have to work out some rules and stuff. But I do

gaystoryman

want to do this. What do you say William? Think you can learn a new trade and stay off your knees except for Josh here?”

“Oh, now he’s a funny man… fuck yes I can, but Gordon… do you really realize what you are asking?”

“Yes, I think I do, hell Billy, this is all strange to me too, all I do know for sure is I don’t want to have to see that pain in your eyes ever again or that anger in Josh’s eyes. I don’t know… but last night after I had made up my mind about this… well, I had the best sleep in over 40 years. That in itself makes it all worthwhile.”

“Who’d you have hidden in the bedroom? Mike or Justin?”

“Haha… now who’s the funny man. So. Is it a deal fellows?”

Chapter 6

The room was still in darkness as Gordon gazed down on the two sleeping boys. He could see them, entwined together under the covers. Billy’s head rested on top of Josh’s. Gordon could see that Josh was sleeping with his head on Billy’s chest and that he had his arm draped over the gently heaving chest. He stood there, thinking of what it must be like for Josh to be so much in love, and for Billy, who obviously had more to him than Gordon had ever given him credit for. Well, that would change, this was a new day for him, a new life really.

He could feel a tear in the corner of his eyes and they misted over as he thought about it all. How anxious he was when Billy hadn’t returned on time. How he had made light of it while his own heart was

gaystoryman

pounding in his chest so as not to worry Josh. Surely he couldn’t be falling under a love spell? Not at his age, it didn’t happen did it?

Here he was, in his late 60′s all ready, and just what did he have to show for it? He didn’t really have anyone who would shed many tears if he passed away today, did he now? That was sad, sure he had money and generally most of the people around him, if not all, only were around for the favors he doled out. What an epitaph that was, ‘He gave us parties and trinkets if we were good.’ Shit, that wasn’t good, but now, well now maybe he had another chance.

His gaze continued to reflect not just on the sleeping young men, but on what they had brought into his life in such a short time. For the first time in decades, he actually felt like he was really alive. He wanted to share their special joy, he wanted to know what it was like to pass those deep messages between hearts. For the first time he felt his loneliness, but somehow, standing in this doorway, it just didn’t seem to be all that empty, all that lonely.

Thoughts of how he had willingly ignored the things that made up a person went through his mind. How he had never tried to delve into a person’s life, or what they felt or needed or even what their hopes had been. Even with Billy there, he never asked him what he really wanted out of life. Not once, while they sat and watched television or listened to music, did he even try to find out what Billy thought about the events of the day. Whenever subjects came uplike that, he ignored it, or passed it off.

Funny, he used to enjoy the debates he had in school and college with his classmates and teachers about all sorts of things, but in his adult life, he shied away from the intimacy such debates brought. Maybe he was scared, but why? What had he to lose, really, that maybe people wouldn’t like him? Could be, but then, did those who surrounded him now like him or like his parties and his money? Did he really gain anything in all those years of shutting people out?

Looking at how Josh was close to Billy, how he was wrapped so carefully around was something that he had experienced, physically, but not the emotional part. By just looking at the two, you could see the deep emotional bond that existed between them, even in their sleep. Why couldn’t he have seen that before? Seen that if you wanted to be loved, to be held and be a part of someone’s life you had to let yourself be open to them?

He knew the answer; he was afraid of what such attachments involved. Long and short, he was scared that he would be found wanting and that was why he had shied away from such involvements. Now he was paying the price. There were no contemporaries to which he could unburden himself; hell, to be honest, there really wasn’t anyone of any age that he could share his feelings or concerns with.

Gordon realized that he was crying. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he hadn’t even noticed it. This was too strange for him, too much reflections, but shit, for some reason he felt reasonably happy. How could he be? He was alone in the world, he had spent a restless night tossing and turning, condemning himself for his selfishness and yet he felt relieved.

He shook his head and turned to leave the two sleeping lovers. As he was about to leave, he heard his name being called. Looking back towards the bed, he saw Josh wiping his eyes and Billy staring at him. He could see the dark eyes, the sparkle restored.

“Good morning… or I guess afternoon is more appropriate. I… uh… well, I just came to see how you were and to leave some more of this… uh… this ointment for you Billy.”

“Really? Thanks Gordon.”

“Does it hurt a lot? I mean…”

“Yeah, it still hurts… but not as bad… kind of stiff right now.”

“Yes… well… uh… that is to be expected… I would suggest that you get into a nice hot tub… help to relieve some of the stiffness.”

“Yeah… guess it would… thanks.”

“Yes… well… why don’t you do that… then you should come

gaystoryman

downstairs and have something to eat… how bout a nice bowl of soup and maybe a hamburger?”

“Sure… that’ll be fine. Take me a bit though… not moving too fast today I think…”

“Yes… well you take your time… come on down when you are ready and then I’ll have Manuel get the lunch together. Josh, you want to wait or you hungry now?”

“Huh? Oh… uh… well… I’ll wait I guess.”

“Hey… it’s okay Josh… go eat now if you want… I might just soak in that tub for a bit… go ahead and eat now if you want.”

“No. I’d rather wait… besides, you might need some help getting out of the tub… I mean…”

“Hehe… yeah, okay Josh. Well, guess Gordon we’ll both be down in a bit.”

“Good. Oh… here’s the ointment… now Josh… you make sure he puts a lot of it on… everywhere… but make sure he has dried off first… this stuff is no good if you put it on wet… okay? Think you can do that ?”

“Yeah… we’ll manage… thanks.”

“Well, okay then… I’ll see you two later…”

Gordon was quiet for the most part. He spoke as little as possible, instead, he just kept watching. Josh wasn’t all that hungry it seemed but at least Billy had an appetite. There wasn’t anyway for him not to notice the way Josh would keep glancing at Billy, as if afraid he was going to faint or something. Also, on occasion, he would glance at Gordon, and Gordon could feel the silent anger in Josh’s eyes.

Strange, but he never cared before what someone thought, and now he seemed to feel a deep hurt each time he caught those accusing eyes on him. Damn, his whole life had suddenly changed. Funny, but Billy didn’t seem to be angry at him. It was as if he had resigned himself to the situation, sort of like it came with the territory. But, that wasn’t right, no one should expect to be hurt as part of their due.

Yeah, there were some who liked it, and went out of their way to get hurt, but Billy hadn’t, and so it wasn’t right. He could be blaming him, maybe inside he was, but somehow Gordon didn’t think he was. There was something special about Billy, and it was time he found out more. Hell, it wasn’t so much that he wanted to, it was more like he felt a sudden need to. His whole life was topsy turvy and the confusion was something he was unused to.

The meal dragged on for an eternity, or so it seemed, but finally the plates were empty, the glasses empty and the stomachs full. The awkward silences were ripping apart Gordon’s heart. He couldn’t take

gaystoryman

much more of it so he made his mind up. Rather than wait till later, it was better to get this dealt with now.

“Well boys, how about we go sit out by the pool while this sun is out?”

“Huh? Well… yeah, I guess so… you up to it Billy?”

“Sure Gordon. Sounds good to me, the sun will feel good.”

They sat along the pool. Josh pulled two chaise lounges close together and Gordon took one off to the side a bit. He could see the way Josh placed himself, as if as a barrier between him and Billy. Well, guess that was to be expected. But he felt a twinge in his heart none the less.

“So… Billy… I think we should talk, do you feel up to it?”

“Talk? Yeah, I guess so… it isn’t like am on my last legs… fuck, the guy was a bit rough is all… been there before and I can handle it… why are you making such a big deal of this Gordon?”

“Billy… he fucking should make a big deal of it… it’s his fault. How can you be so casual about this? I mean… fuck you got cut… by your… well…”

“My cock? Yeah, I know… and yeah it hurt. And yes, I got burns on my dick and bruises on my ass and legs. But like I said Josh… been there… it ain’t all that bad. Least I am not in hospital this time, and Josh… it wasn’t Gordon’s fault… so lay off that.”

“Fuck, it was too his fault… you damn well…”

“NO. I mean it Josh. You can’t blame him. Sorry Gordon, he doesn’t know ‘bout this stuff… and I guess he is a bit emotional…”

“He’s right though, Billy… I guess it is my fault.. I should of known better, and really should never have asked for your help…”

“What? Now look Gordon. Come on man… I mean why shouldn’t you have asked? I mean… fuck… how else can I… fuck… look a deal was a deal… so its no big deal. I could of left without letting him… I guess… so…”

“No Billy… stop that… right now…”

“Huh? Stop what Gordon? I mean…”

“Listen to me Billy… you too Josh… even though I know you don’t want to Josh… but hear me out.”

Josh started to open his mouth when he felt Billy’s hand on his, squeezing it hard. He turned back to look into Billy’s eyes and saw the definite warning. He pleaded, urging Billy to let him, but there was no backing down in those dark eyes. They meant what they said and so Josh just nodded.

“Okay Gordon… we’ll listen but…”

“No buts Billy… I have thought about this all night and well… all day. So my mind is made up… and you know me Billy… once I make up my mind it never changes.”

gaystoryman

90

“Yes… I know that… but let me…”

“Let you what? No… please Billy, Josh, just you two sit there and listen to an old man…”

“Come on Gordon… you are scaring me.”

“Scaring you? Hmmm, I rather doubt that Billy… you have a great deal of courage.”

“Me? Uh, no… I am a natural coward… look this is weird… what is this all about Gordon? The fact I got roughed up as part of his thing or what?”

“Well… yes. I suppose in a way that is a reason… but no… not really. I guess it isn’t that it was a reason so much as a stimulant to me, seeing you like that, Billy, woke something up that had been dead for too long inside me. It made me realize some things that I have spent a lifetime running away from… let me ask you something Billy… and I want you to be totally and brutally honest in your answer… can you do that?”

“Yeah, I suppose… but…”

“Good. Now tell me, if I was to die tomorrow… would you cry?”

Billy sat there, his face chalk white from the sudden thought of Gordon dying. Was there something wrong with Gordon? Then he started to think about it, the question, and he realized that something was different about Gordon. He wasn’t as direct, as self assured as he always had been. There was definitely something different about Gordon. He stared at the rather chubby face and he could see that his answer was important. That, too, was a first; Gordon actually wanted his answer and that it would actually mean something.

His first instinct was to joke about it, but as he stared into Gordon’s piercing eyes, he knew that that would be a mistake. Then he figured he could say what was expected in these kind of situations, which was ‘yes, sure I would’ but there was something in those penetrating eyes of Gordon’s. This wasn’t the time to butter him up.

“No… no Gordon, I don’t think I would cry. I would be sad for a bit I think… but no, I don’t think I would cry… I am sorry…”

Well, he had done it now. He had been honest with Gordon. He couldn’t keep his eyes on Gordon’s and he let his head lower. There it was, he had done all he could and now in a moment’s weakness of honesty he had blown it for him and Josh. No way Gordon would let them stay much longer, if at all, and as for his help… well, that had gone a way with his stupid honesty. Damn it, why had he given in like that, it was like something had wormed its way into his brain and made him come clean. Now it was judgement time. He raised his head to see Gordon sitting there. His hands were up to his chin and his head rested on the fingertips.

The silence was deafening to them both. Josh was squirming in the

gaystoryman

chair, his back ramrod straight against the back, but he kept fidgeting. It was as if he could read Billy’s mind and thoughts and shared those feelings. The sound of the water in the pool gently lapping against the cement was no longer the sensual sound of yesterday.

Gordon finally got up and walked over to the small outdoor bar. He fixed himself a rather stiff drink of bourbon and took a deep pull on it. Then he freshened it up by pouring more of the brown liquid into the glass, then he walked back to face the two young men.

“Well… thank you Billy… you don’t know how much I appreciate your honesty… I really do.”

“Uh, look Gordon… I am sorry… but uh… I am not the crying type… ya know… uh…”

“Please Billy… don’t… I know that if it was Josh you would be shedding tears for days if not weeks… isn’t that right Billy?”

“Well… yes… but… shit Gordon, what did you expect me to say?”

“Hmmm… well, before last night, I would have expected you to say the opposite of what you did say. But now… now I guess it is what I expected to hear… I mean… Billy… am I a bad person?”

“Uh, no Gordon, I don’t think you are a bad person. You have your rules which are fair. So no… I don’t think you are a bad person… Gordon… what is this about?”

“Patience my boy. patience. I really am not a bad person, and I know young Josh there would argue that, and maybe he is right… to a point… well… that is going to change.”

“Change? Uh, what is this about? Really… I don’t.”

“Yes, I know that you are confused, but then I have been confused for many years, and only now am I starting to see thinks clearer. Billy… Josh… our deal… the one we made the other morning…”

“Yes? Look Gordon, I know that you didn’t bargain for me getting hurt like this, but shit man I can still keep our deal… come on Gordon… maybe not as much… for a little bit… but I mean…”

“No Billy… I am sure you could still make me feel very happy… but that really isn’t what I want anymore…”

“Huh? What is you want then… I don’t get this…”

“I don’t want to be a trick… a john… a date… I am tired of that meaningless type of relationship with you. I want us to be more than that…”

“More. I don’t get it…”

“Billy, you have sex with Josh because of the way he makes you feel, not because of anything else? Right?”

“Yes. But I… shit… we are lover’s Gordon. I told you that…”

“Exactly Billy… that’s it exactly…”

“I think he wants you to be his lover Billy, is that it?”

“Hehe… no Josh. Oh, such innocense, no, I may be old but I am

gaystoryman

not yet senile. I know there is no way that someone like Billy here could be my lover. Besides, he already has a lover… no… that isn’t what I want, least not in that context..”

“Well, just what do you mean Gordon?”

Gordon stood there, a drink in his one hand, the other by his side. He looked into each of their eyes, seeing in Josh anger and resentment. In Billy’s he saw only confusion and maybe a bit of concern, but he couldn’t see any hatred or recriminations. He looked at Billy, the way his body sat upright, the way his hand rested firmly onto Josh’s arm.

“I want to be your friend.”

Chapter 9

Arizona

The night was silent as she stood there at the base of the old tree. Her eyes kept glancing upwards, wondering if the guys had heard her right or if she had come too early. A small tear came to her eye as she hoped she had taken enough time to get here, had taken long enough so they could at least finish but then the look on Noah’s parents face had kind of made her want to just get lost, to never find Noah and Dakota but she knew that was being dumb.

“Hey did you hear me Dakota? Noah?”

She struggled to try and keep quiet, to keep her voice from yelling out more things as she waited, hoping that maybe they would pretend not to be there. That might work for a bit but she doubted it, after all everyone had heard Noah’s screams earlier as well as Dakota’s. It was like they had used some megaphone or something and if only Noah’s parents hadn’t been there it might have been a good evening. She was almost certain her dad was going to smile which she would have given anything to have seen. He used to have such a nice smile but it had been ages since he last smiled, never mind laughed like he meant it.

Sure he went through the motions now and then, just to appease her or her mom, but she knew it was phoney. This time though it looked like he just might break one for real which would have really made it a perfect weekend. Now all that seemed ruined and it bugged her. She had started to get those urges again and her mother had noticed, rushing her out of the house to go find Dakota and Noah which had saved the moment. It really wasn’t her fault, the Doctors said she’d grow out of it or at worst it would lessen over time, still that didn’t help her now.

School was pure hell for her because she was petrified that she might slip one day and let it all out and that wasn’t something she ever wanted to happen, but it could. She worried a lot about that and then coming to a new school seemed like maybe she could get through it, until Dakota met Noah. God he was so cute and in a weird sort of way she felt kind of attracted to him even though he was like her brothers.

He had nice eyes, the kind that made her feel all comfy and warm not like those other geeks that hung around Dakota. Jesus he let some really strange types hang around him but he kept telling her it was for show, to keep their secret hidden but she didn’t like it much and besides, it only made her more nervous which wasn’t good. That new kid, Rusty, he had mean eyes and she could tell he didn’t like Dakota being friendly to Noah too which made her wonder a bit about him.

The guy was tall and had real good looks, just like her brother and being a girl, she kind of liked to compare. The more she thought about it, the more she thought that Dakota had the edge even if he walked around with that dumb sad face of his. Mind you, since he met Noah he didn’t seem such a sour puss, which made her happy. She liked it when Dakota was happy and even though she knew that her time with him would be less if he got involved with Noah, she didn’t really mind. Besides, she might be able to sneak a peek sometimes, as she was kind of curious as to what he looked like without his clothes on.

She stomped her feet and glared up at the tree, trying to push away those weird thoughts. Mind you she was having a few other ones like that too which worried her because she doubted if she could control her thoughts if she ever really did fall for some guy. Strange, only when she first saw Noah did she start to wonder what it would be like to have someone other than her brother or parents to care for, and the more she thought about it the sadder she got. Most likely she wouldn’t find out, after all who would want to go out with some crazy girl who couldn’t keep her mouth shut?

“If you guys don’t hurry I am gonna come up there”

“You stay there, we uh, we’ll be right down, geez”

“Hurry up, make sure you put on the right clothes”

“Arizona!”

“Sorry, but hurry, okay?”

“We are, we are”

“Okay”

Arizona leaned against the tree, her eyes open and staring but if anyone was to have been there, to be looking, they would see that she was there but not there. Her mind was off once more, wondering what it was about Noah that made her feel warm and fuzzy and even, well a bit jealous? Was she being perverted or something or was it just that at last she realized that she wanted the same thing Dakota had? Was it that she was tired of all the sadness and that she wanted someone other than Dakota to share things with or was it just a dumb schoolgirl crush on some cute guy? Noah did have that look, that smouldering look that made her heart go skip a beat or two and yet, well it wasn’t quite the way she had thought it would be. Maybe it was just that ever since Montana left he was the first person that seemed to be different, seemed to be more than just a passing friend.

Dakota

The boxers felt a bit tight around his legs and waist as he pulled up his faded denim pants and he knew that he was wearing Noah’s shorts. They felt kind of nice next to him and he knew it wasn’t an accident on his part either. He had taken them and passed his to Noah, knowing they weren’t his simply because he knew what was coming. The instant he heard Arizona screaming that Noah’s folks were here, he knew and the happiness he had been feeling was gone now, gone and he doubted if it would ever return just as he doubted if he would ever have time alone with Noah like this again.

For a minute or perhaps even two he had tried to convince himself that they were here because of some family emergency or something, but deep down inside he knew it was because they had found out. How he wasn’t sure, but they had and that was why they were here. IT was like reliving that first few days when Montana had finally told his parents. God the house was like a war zone one second, then the frozen icebergs of Alaska the next. He didn’t know how any of them had survived it, and maybe the truth was that they hadn’t, least not yet. In some ways the house still felt like they were out on some iceberg in the Alaskan sea or something, alone drifting on the cold waters but it would end, wouldn’t it?

His eyes were moist as he tugged the pants up, buttoning them and wanting to say something, but afraid to, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would break down and cry which he didn’t want to do anymore. He had cried enough but the pain that was inside of him right now was almost unbearable as he reached down to put on his socks. Dakota could smell Noah, that special scent that he had smelled that first day only stronger now and it tore at him as he believed that he would never smell it like this again. He was certain that Noah would disagree but maybe in some ways this was good?

As much as it hurt him to even think it, this would solve their problem about school and while it meant that they wouldn’t be together, least this way Noah wouldn’t be getting the crap kicked out of him, nor would he for that matter. Mind you he wasn’t all that worried, he could take care of himself pretty good but Noah, well, he doubted if Noah had ever been in a fight so it would be harder for him which Dakota just couldn’t stand to think about. The tears were there as he wiped his face in disgust, trying to close off his emotions but failing as each time he breathed, he smelt Noah, felt him really in a way that only made the pain grow stronger inside. It wasn’t fair as he stood there, dressed at last and he knew that he would have to look at Noah, to say something.

“Noah…”

He could hear it in his voice and it ripped into his own feelings like a knife thru butter. The notion of his parents finding out had never been something he had thought much about until the instant Arizona’s voice had intruded telling him they were here. He knew in his heart that somehow they had found out and had come to take him away from Dakota, something he couldn’t bear, or at least something he wasn’t prepared to give up.

Yet listening to the resigned voice calling his name he knew that Dakota had perhaps already given up, had already accepted in a brief few seconds that what they had was over with. How could he love him if he was so quick to give up? It didn’t make sense to him and yet maybe it did? Maybe it wasn’t that Dakota loved him or that he loved Dakota, just that they had found each other and well, they both wanted what the other had, maybe that was all there was to them, but it couldn’t be that, could it?

Even as he thought that he could feel Dakota inside of him and he knew that it was bullshit. Dakota cared for him like no one could care for him and he for Dakota, so why was Dakota so willing to give in so easily? Was he afraid? Did he think he didn’t care enough so why bother? What was it? WHAT?

“Don’t… Don’t Dakota, I know what you gonna say… please… don’t”

“Come on, you can’t…”

“Yes I can… I mean it, nothing, not even them are going to change how I feel or what I want… you do still want me, don’t you Dakota?”

Did he want Noah? Of course he did he told himself and he could feel the warmth even now and yet the whole relationship had happened so fast, so instantly that he wasn’t sure if it was just that Noah was cute and hot or if it really was as he felt it was? Could he have mistaken the look, the feeling or was he just so lonely, so empty that anyone would have done?

He shook his head as his hand slipped into his waist, pushing the band of the boxer shorts a little and he knew Noah wasn’t just some fuck buddy, just some convenient fuck. There was something about him that had made him do what he had, something that he just didn’t quite understand inside his head but something that his heart knew very well. How could that be he wondered as he stared out into the empty night, wishing that Montana was here to help him, to guide him in this but he was alone, just like Noah was.

“Of course I do, shit Noah I have never wanted… it is just that… I know how parents can get, Christ I wish I didn’t but…”

“I can change them, I can make them understand, you’ll see Dakota I will”

“No, you won’t, you can’t…”

Noah felt suddenly afraid, suddenly saddened by the way Dakota seemed so willing to accept what they thought it was, that his parents were here to take him away, to try and come between them. Sure it most likely was that, but why was Dakota willing to let it happen without fighting? Why wasn’t he suggesting ways that he could sneak out, or ways they could get together? Christ he had shown up and spent the night with him why couldn’t that happen again? Why did he seem so quick to let him go? Wasn’t he worth a little bit of a fight even?

“You did, your parents changed, they understand…”

God how does he explain it to him? How does he try to tell him that nothing really has changed at his place except that no one laughs anymore, no one jokes anymore, no one smiles anymore and all because he his gay and his brother died from being gay? Doesn’t Noah understand that his parents aren’t any different than his, that they too can’t stand what he is? Doesn’t Noah get it, that each time Dakota’s own father looks at him, Dakota can see the shame, the sadness, the anger even? If he did, then maybe he would understand, but how can he tell him that? How can he let him know that what they are may seem great to them, may seem wonderful and filled with warmth and tenderness but what their parents see is perversion, disgrace, and worse, disappointment?

“No, they don’t really and it took Montana dying to get them to this point, so…”

“But they changed, right?”

“No, well okay, sort of, but you don’t have a brother, and even if you did would you want him to die so you could be with me? Come on Noah, you know that…”

Why? Why won’t Dakota help him? He could barely stand to look at him even, his head was constantly staring down at the floor of the platform, at his feet or off elsewhere instead of looking at him, why? Was he ashamed of him already because his parents had come, because they had found out? Why?

Christ if Dakota really loved him why wouldn’t he help him now? Was he just trying to make it easier for him or was he trying to dump him without saying it? Was it school that him so scared and now he had a way out? Did he think that Noah would not be able to control himself in school, like he had said earlier, so that now he had a way to end it before that happened? Was he that scared or was there something he wasn’t saying?

Whatever it was, Noah could tell that he had to make Dakota understand, that he had to let Dakota know that he wouldn’t give up, that he did care and that he did love Dakota. He had to convince him, to show him and if that meant fighting with his parents alone until he did prove it, fine he would, he just needed to convince Dakota of that, because inside, deep down in his soul, he knew he could do this, he knew that he had no other choice but to.

“I know I can do this, I know it, stop trying to tell me otherwise, don’t Dakota, don’t!”

“Noah, come on, it’s bad enough they are here, shit don’t make it worse, please…”

“Worse? How can it be fucking worse? I thought you wanted me, cared for me, now it is like, like you are giving up without even trying to keep me, I…”

He was right, he wasn’t helping him or even trying but it wasn’t because he didn’t care or didn’t want him. He had been down this road before, with his own brother and he knew what it did to a family and as much as he wanted Noah, he couldn’t be the one to ruin his family, to end his closeness with them.

It was hard enough to be queer never mind having no one to rely on, never mind having no safe place to go and be comforted. He knew he didn’t have that, not in the way he needed it to be which was why he went through the charade of pretending to be straight, of dating girls, of even having sex with them, all so he could keep his secret and not get hurt. Noah wouldn’t be able to do that, and if he didn’t have his family behind him then there was no way he’d make it, no chance for him and Dakota knew he couldn’t let that happen. He knew it might cost him but so what, he already had paid the price so he knew how to cope, how to get on with tomorrow but Noah didn’t and as much as he wanted to be with Noah, he couldn’t let him go through that pain, not if he could prevent it.

“I don’t want to lose you Noah, Fuck I’d do anything to keep you, to keep us together, but how? Tell me and I’ll do it…”

“We don’t even know why they are here, maybe it isn’t what we think…”

“Uh huh, you know it is, so do I, come on, they wouldn’t come all the way out here if it was something else, they would have phoned first, you know that”

“Not really, I mean it could be something else, it doesn’t have to be that they found out about me, it isn’t like I left them a note or anything”

“I know, but parents, they have a way of finding this shit out sometimes, I don’t know, maybe your mom came across a magazine or something when cleaning your room, how do I know how, but we both know that’s why they are here”

“Still…”

“Still nothing Noah, they aren’t going to let you see me”

“They can’t stop me, besides we share a locker at school, they won’t take me out of school… we’ll find ways, please, I can’t go down knowing that… thinking that…”

The angry voice boomed out and made them both jump a little, startled by its loudness and apparent closeness too. Noah stared at Dakota, the fear showing on his face as once more the loud angry male voice boomed out, calling for him.

“Noah! Noah! Where are you?”

Looking at Dakota and then out past the sky towards the lights of the house off in the distance he felt like he was about to lose everything he had dreamed of and yet something inside of him refused to let it go, refused to just surrender so he yelled back, his voice filling the night with an anger of its own, an impatience of its own.

“I am coming, give me a minute”

“Hurry up, your mother is waiting in the car and it’s late”

He felt the rage inside, felt the unfairness of it all and yet as he turned away from the platform to look at Dakota he felt like his world was ending. He couldn’t begin to describe how horrible he felt inside, how the pain seemed to be everywhere at once and how he felt like he was 100 years old. His legs ached and not from kneeling over Dakota’s body but from knowing that it might have been not just his first time, but his last time experiencing real love. He couldn’t help himself; the tears were rolling down his face as he yelled out once more, letting the rage inside begin to take hold.

“IN A MINUTE!”

“NOW Noah!”

Time had run out for them, Noah could tell that as he saw the way Dakota’s shoulders sagged under the realization that Noah was being forced to leave. It was strange, he thought that Dakota would try to fight for him, try to keep him here and his quick acceptance puzzled him and hurt too. He would fight for Dakota, he knew that so why wouldn’t Dakota fight for him? It ached inside, made him wonder if maybe all he was to Dakota was some fuck toy, some quick fuck that might have lasted a bit but not for long, and yet even as he thought it he didn’t quite believe it, or was that just his own wishful thinking?

He moved past Dakota towards the trunk of the tree and the way down, feeling betrayed and dejected, knowing he would have a major battle with his parents as his welcome home and for what? Just so he could say he took a big dick up his ass and so wasn’t a virgin anymore? Was that all this weekend had turned into? Noah could feel the rage inside as he stepped past Dakota’s still figure and as he moved past he felt the soft gentle breeze blowing across and his nostrils flared as Dakota’s rich fragrance came to his senses.

Just as he felt the aroma invading the place in his heart where his anger rested he felt the soft touch of Dakota’s fingers on his arm and he turned to see the tears rolling down the soft pale cheeks. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that he didn’t need to doubt Dakota, he just needed to show him that he was stronger than Dakota thought he was. His hand moved across his stomach and rested briefly on the now chilled hand of Dakota and he looked deep into the rich brown eyes now clouded by tears.

“You know I am wearing your shorts Dakota”

“I know”

“You ain’t ever getting them back, when I am old and finally kick this fucking world, I am gonna make sure that I am buried wearing them, no matter what you or they try to say now, you know that?”

“I do now”

“I am yours Dakota, I will never be with another person unless it is you”

“Noah…”

“I mean it, there will never be anyone else for me, will there be for you?”

“No”

They had climbed down in silence and met Arizona at the base, her eyes wide and glowing as she put her fingers to her lips, telling them to be quiet and then she pointed outwards, showing them the tall figure coming quickly towards the tree. Dakota could tell that it had to be Noah’s father and he felt a strange fear inside, almost as if he was about to go into battle and yet the soft press of Noah’s hand against his leg helped him to remain calm as they waited for Noah’s dad.

Somehow he knew that what they had said to each other was real, that Noah somehow did seem to understand a bit of what he was in for and all he wanted was Dakota’s support. All he wanted was to know that Dakota cared enough to wait and that he had no thoughts of others. Easy to say, hard to do, but as he stood there waiting he knew that even if Noah hadn’t asked, he would have waited. There was no doubt in his heart that he needed Noah and that there could never be anyone who could come close to making him feel what they had shared up on the platform.

No, he would have waited, had already resigned himself to being nothing more than a frustrated old crock for the rest of his life because there would never be anyone like Noah and without Noah, he just couldn’t see himself wanting to do anything with anyone else. Strange though that Noah would feel that way too, hell it was strange that he did too because it wasn’t how the books and all said it was. They were only 16 and supposed to be nothing but a mess of hormones or stuff, yet it wasn’t that way at all.

Okay yeah he got a boner when he would see some hot guy, most likely Noah did too but when he had seen Noah, saw the way he was walking down the hallway that first day, it wasn’t that he just got a boner but he got this horrible ache and pain deep in his chest. It was like what he thought a heart attack might feel like except that this was worse, or so he thought. Still, he couldn’t help it, he just didn’t want to see Noah get hurt, and fighting with your folks, knowing how disappointed they were in you, that was something he didn’t want anyone to feel, even if it meant living a life alone, it was the least he could do for Noah, besides, he did have tonight which was maybe more than many guys ever got.

Noah’s dad had glared at him like he was some evil monster and he had been surprised when Noah reached out to take his hand as they greeted his dad. God, that feeling when Noah held his hand despite the glaring eyes from his dad was something. His whole body shook and he had to have looked like a fool as he stammered a weak ‘hi’ when Noah introduced him. Strange though, Noah’s dad didn’t freak at him, just glared at Dakota and Noah and then told them that they had to go. He couldn’t have missed seeing Noah holding his hand and yet he ignored it, and maybe if it hadn’t been dark Dakota might have seen the blushing red that had crept over Noah’s dad’s face.

Even Arizona managed to keep her tongue still all the way back to the house where Noah’s dad’s car was. They could see a figure inside it and Dakota knew it was Noah’s mom and as he watched Noah climb in, he thought he recognized the lady from somewhere, but he couldn’t be sure. Noah looked like he would spit fire the way he stared at his dad when he was ordered into the car, but he kept his mouth shut. Funny but all Dakota could think of was how much he wished he could just grab Noah by the shoulders and kiss him, knowing too how that would set off WWIII most likely. Still, he couldn’t get the way Noah looked and how sexy it was, and he could feel the effect it was having on him too as Noah disappeared into the back seat of the car.

Arizona had hustled into the house while Noah had said goodbye. Noah’s voice had been thin and taut as he said he’d see Dakota tomorrow and the glare that that brought almost made Dakota flinch but he held his ground, his own eyes staring quietly at the angry man that now stood between him and his other half, Noah. Dakota was surprised to find his father standing at the front entrance too and as Noah climbed into the car, a hound dog look on his face, Dakota was even more surprised to hear his father say goodbye to him, telling him to come back again soon. That too brought a strange look from Noah’s father and yet his own Dad merely stepped down from the porch, walked slowly to where Dakota stood and stood there, by him. He reached out with his hand to shake Noah’s father’s hand who hesitated and then quickly reached back and shook hands. He said a gruff goodbye and climbed hurriedly into the car, which seemed to leap ahead before the door even closed. It felt like he couldn’t get away from the Northwood’s fast enough and yet as he watched the fancy red taillights fade into the darkness, he felt like part of his life was over and a new part was about to begin. He only prayed that it would include Noah.

“You okay boy?”

“Huh? I guess… uh, did they…”

“They know… if that’s what you mean”

“I thought as much”

“Not easy being a parent Dakota”

“Not easy being a queer”

“STOP That! Don’t you use that word! Damn it Dakota, I know it isn’t easy, but we aren’t monsters either, it just… it just takes time”

“Sometimes it takes too long”

Gary Northwood watched as his last remaining son silently walked away from him, heading into the brightly lit house. He could see and even feel his pain as his shoulders were sagging, his head bowed low as he crossed in front of the porch light. He saw him turn his head to stare briefly down the long dusty driveway and he felt the ache his son was feeling as he too turned to stare down that road, only he wasn’t looking for sight of the Collins car, but remembering another road, another long empty driveway.

He heard the screen door slam against the wooden door jam and he flinched a little as his eyes grew moist as he stared down that long dusty road. It wasn’t down that road but one like it that he had sent his eldest boy at first, blind rage in his heart as he had confronted Montana about his being gay. How long ago it was and yet he could hear his own angry words, yelling at Montana, calling him queer, sissy, and many other things that he wished he had never said now. Dakota had been there as had Arizona, maybe if his wife had been home it might not have gotten so loud, so nasty but she had been at work. Now it was too late to change all that had been said, and as much as he knew that Montana had forgiven him, it was his own heart that still wouldn’t let him forget, or allow him to forgive himself.

If asked he wasn’t sure if he could explain it, but Montana had nearly been out of sight down that road, nearly been lost to him when something had broken inside of him, something had managed to get beyond the anger, the disappointment, the rage even and he had grabbed Dakota, pushing him even to run after Montana and bring him back. He could still see Dakota’s frightened face when he had grabbed him by the shirt, yanking him nearly off his feet and pushed him down the road, urging him to run fast and bring his brother back. The look of sudden realization and quick smile had been enough for him because even as Dakota raced down the road, he had turned away and headed for his truck, to go after his son even though the anger still burned inside of him.

After finding his keys and making Arizona wait in the house he had hurried down the driveway and out to find his two boys walking back to the house. Gary had stopped the truck and watched as they slowly made their way down the street towards him oblivious to his presence even. He could see how close they were and he had to admit to himself now that even then he had known that Dakota was gay, just like his older brother but it wasn’t until much later that either of them spoke about it.

He felt like kicking himself as he stared out along the road, knowing how much time had passed and how much he had missed in knowing his sons, and Dakota was right, sometimes time simply ran out before everything could be made right, before everything that needed saying could be said. He had lost that precious time with Montana and it was too late now, but there was still time for Dakota, at least he prayed that there was. His heart was heavy with the fear that resided there, knowing that each time Dakota had sex he was risking his life, risking that very precious life.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed silently, wishing for his boy back, wishing for them both to be back but he knew that could never be, still he wished it could be. The pain inside grew as the darkness enveloped him and he looked out at an empty road, realizing just how empty his own life had become ever since his son had passed away. His own shoulders sagged from the heavy weight of regret that overcame him and he felt like everything he had worked for, everything he had dreamed had vanished with Montana’s passing and yet he knew that wasn’t quite true either. He knew that he still had Dakota, Arizona and their mother but he had to also admit that he had not been a good father or husband since Montana had died.

Slowly he turned from the road and stared at the house, seeing the lights inside blazing out and piercing the darkness and yet even as the glow cast a light outside, he felt lost in a sea of dismal darkness. His heart grew heavier as he heard his daughters voice and then his wife’s but not a sound was Dakota’s. He knew his son, better than Dakota perhaps realized and he knew he was in his room, his head on the pillow and his legs arched upwards as he stared up the ceiling feeling so alone, feeling so empty. His heart cried for his son as he slowly turned and headed towards the fields, quietly moving away from the sounds of the house and from everything else that clamoured for his attention.

Finally he came to the tree and looked up at its tall branches, the rich canopy of green that covered the whole area and with a sigh he began to climb up the trunk of the tree, each step only increasing his pain and reminding him of his losses. His hands reached over the edge and he pulled his legs up and stood there, surveying the wooden floor and the tossed sleeping bags that were still spread out over them. His eyes took it all in, the crumpled mess and rolls of the material and he could smell it too as he breathed in deeply. His eyes stared out across the wide open view and then upwards to the twinkling lights of the stars and he moved over to the edge, sitting down and just like his son had done, he stared out and upwards, wondering what Montana would say, wondering if he was staring down at him right now?

His heart felt like it had ripped open as the tears suddenly came flooding out and his eyes grew misty and cloudy but he didn’t bother to even try to wipe them clear. He sat there crying letting his grief rule his heart and soul at last. His body shook to the terrible sobs of pain that came from deep within and he grew cold as the wind blew around him. His hands shook on his knees that dangled over the edge and he could feel the wooden platform beneath him shiver to his deep sobs and yet all he could think of was Montana and how he had looked those last few days. How his face would glow whenever Dakota walked in to the room, or even when he walked it. He could feel the love then, all which had been said long forgotten as Montana slowly lost his fight with life or did he lose?

Strange but he had never thought about it like that, but did Montana lose or was it that they lost and he won? He was at peace now, no more pain to eat at him, no more struggling to just breathe, and maybe most of all no more need to worry what someone might think. All that was past and he was with the one person who could love him without any strings, without any conditions. Gary cried harder now because he too should have been the one to give Montana that, he too should have never put any conditions on his love for Montana or any of his children, but he wasn’t God, he was just a man, a very stupid man who had paid the ultimate price for his stupidity, he had paid for it with the loss of his son and he was still paying for it now.

Quietly she lowered her head and let herself climb back down the wooden sticks that served as rungs on the huge trunk of the tree. Her face was moist from her own tears as she felt the ground finally beneath her feet. Her husband was finally crying and she knew the pain he was feeling. She leaned against the old trunk and stared up through the heavy branches heaven wards.

“Help him Montana, he loved you so much, help him dear”

She waited at the base of the tree, thinking her own thoughts as the night wore on and as the stars began to wane. The night was old now and she could feel her own age too, realizing that she looked like a woman of 60 instead of her real age of 38. The death of a son and the hollowness it brought did that to a person and her head continued to stare at the ground, knowing that none of them were spared the grief or its effects. Arizona still had her nightmares but true they were a bit less in frequency now, Dakota still cried inside each day and perhaps now even more so what with all that had gone on tonight, and then there was her Gary. The sweet gentle man she had married so long ago and who she still loved with all of her heart. How old he had become, how ancient and brittle he was and yet he was only 42 years old but he lived with the pain of his actions. Oh she knew what had happened, and she knew that Montana had forgiven him for all he had said and done when he first heard about Montana being gay, but he was too honest of a man to just accept that. He was killing himself over it and it frightened her.

Maybe some of this was her fault too, maybe if she had talked about her fears about Montana with Gary more before Montana sprung it on him things might have gone differently. Perhaps if she had only just trusted in Gary more he wouldn’t have reacted the way he had or at least he would have had enough foreknowledge to enable him to wait till she had gotten home. If, a big word when lives were at risk and yet she couldn’t help but feel that she had let her family down.

Gary was up the tree crying, Dakota was off in his room feeling lost and alone again and Arizona was wondering when things would ever go right for them, if maybe they weren’t cursed or something. And her, she had tried to explain things to Noah’s Mom but instead of easing her fears she had only increased them. That was obvious now, given how quickly she and her husband had shown up tonight. God if only she hadn’t talked to her so openly, so honestly maybe Noah would have at least been able to have stayed the night. Maybe that would have helped calm things down for him when he did get home and maybe, just maybe it would have helped Dakota.

There was no doubt that it wouldn’t have changed much, but at least Dakota would have had one night being totally happy. Was that too much to ask she wondered, her eyes glancing upwards towards the sky. As her face turned up she jumped as her husband stood there, staring at her with tears still in rolling down his face. She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard him climb down from the tree.

“How long you been here?”

“Not long, you?”

“Long enough and yet, maybe not long enough”

“Gary… it is going to be okay, give it some time dear”

“Yeah, and what happens when time runs out again Rosie? What then?”

“I don’t know, but we are doing our best, that’ll just have to do”

“I suppose”

“Come on, I’ll make you some tea”

He looked over at her and raised his hand, his finger gently wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye. He stared into her face and he could see his children reflected there. He could see Arizona’s bubbly look, see Dakota’s smile even and there was no mistaking Montana’s soft facial features either, all of it reflected in her and he knew that he was a lucky man to have her and her love. She had given him everything and more than he could ever ask for, it was him who had failed the family and it was up to him to make it right. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, and kissed it, smiling at her and together they headed back to their home.

Nathan Collins

There was something different about Noah and he wasn’t sure what it was either. In some small way it was pleasing to see his son showing some spunk, but if that meant being queer then he would rather he not have that spunk, or would he? Damn it, this was so confusing to him and the anger inside only grew despite his best efforts to control it. For starters what in hell was his wife thinking of when she had known as early as last Tuesday that Noah might be one of them? Why hadn’t she told him before this evening, when it obviously was way too late to stop whatever it was that two guys did from happening?

He knew in his mind exactly what the whole purpose of this weekend had been as soon as she told him about this Dakota kid and about his older brother and everything. Christ didn’t she have a brain and worse, she had driven him to the mall where he was to meet this this queer boy! Nathan wasn’t sure who to be madder at, his wife for not coming to him sooner or his son for letting himself be hoodwinked into thinking he was some damn pansy. In his book they were both on a par but he had to give the nod to his son on making the bonehead play of the year.

There was no way that Noah could be that way, not a chance. Only way it could happen is if that Northwood kid had someone conned Noah into thinking he was queer, but Noah should have known better. The Collins family were all men and so it couldn’t be from his side of the family this crap came from, but then that wasn’t being fair. Her family was just as normal as his, so how in hell could a kid of theirs be queer? It had to be a mistake, a wrong choice by a hormone crazed teenager who was missing a few bricks at the time or something. Christ, he wasn’t stupid so how could he let that Dakota kid con him like this?

As he drove home all he could think of was how to stop this foolishness, and how to get Noah the help he obviously needed. For a few miles he thought that maybe some professional help but he’d be damned if he would walk in to the Doctor’s office and let him know about Noah’s confusion, and you didn’t just flip thru the yellow pages to find a doctor these days, besides he wasn’t sure what his medical would allow. Christ this whole thing was an absolute mess and maybe if his wife had just told him, maybe they could have all this sorted out by now, instead now his whole weekend would be spent trying to work out something, only trouble was what?

He really didn’t have any ideas on this, except that he had to do something. This was his son he was thinking about, and besides, it just wouldn’t go down with his co workers if they ever found out his son had been turned queer. God what a world, you think everything is going perfect, the perfect job, the perfect wife and family, a good son who just needed an occasional push now and then, but all in all everything was perfect, so if it was all so perfect how the fuck did this kind of crap happen? His mind was totally confused as he finally turned off to go down their own street.

He hadn’t really noticed the silence until now and he felt a strange chill in his body as he turned up and into his driveway. The car stopped and he sat there, staring at the neatly painted garage door, the car motor idling as he sat there, his hands glued to the steering wheel and he could feel his wife’s eyes on him, even feel her fear and it shook him a little. She was actually afraid of him and of what he might do, which really he couldn’t maybe blame her for. He had gone off the deep end when she had told him about Noah, had even ranted and raved for several minutes, and he had thrown his jacket and knocked over a chair too. Guess he had gone off the deep end a bit but still, she should know he’d never hurt her, or Noah. That too and as much as this whole queer shit was pissing him off, he loved his son, didn’t his driving all the way out there and bringing him home show that? It wasn’t like he was throwing him out of the house like some others he knew would do, so why should she still be so frightened by him?

Nothing in his life had ever prepared him for this, nothing and he felt lost really as he sat there, trying to figure out all of the strange emotions and thoughts that were racing thru his mind. How could she let him go knowing what might happen? It didn’t make sense and yet too, how could he not have seen Noah’s change over this week? Could he have been working too hard or was he blind? Nathan prided himself on being a good family man, a good husband and father so how could he miss this? How could he not know that his son was facing this identity crisis? It had to be that, didn’t it? No way could he be queer, could he?

Everything was happening so fast he wasn’t sure which way to turn actually, and to be honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he knew the answers to any of this nonsense, if that is what it was. Christ what if Noah really was gay? What would he do about that? Should he practise that tough love doctrine and make him choose his family or his lifestyle choice? God what a mess this was and he felt exhausted, drained totally as he tried to figure out what to do, feeling the stress eating into his strength and his arms were heavy from it and yet not as heavy as his heart seemed to feel. So much to think about and yet there really was no time to think clearly either on which way to go, which way to move to solve this dilemma that threatened his whole family. Nate shook his head as he finally reached down and shut the car motor off, he leaned back in the seat and sighed and then turned to look at his wife’s face.

She was pale and he could see the tears in her eyes and his heart ached for the pain she was feeling. More than that though he could see total fear in her eyes which hurt him. Didn’t she know that nothing could destroy the love he had for her, that his love for her and for Noah would never let him hurt them? Yet, that is exactly what he saw in her face, the fear that he would strike them, or at least strike Noah but he could never do that, didn’t they know that, didn’t they know him?

“We should get inside, the neighbours will start to wonder”

He could feel Noah shift in the backseat and even she seemed to want to say something but neither of them spoke. Instead they both just quietly opened their doors and headed out of the car, not even waiting for him as they walked slowly up the sidewalk to the front door. Nate watched them as they moved towards the house, seeing how dejected she looked and worse, how stiff she was. It was like she was actually bracing herself for a fight of some kind which he understood. He hadn’t exactly been willing to talk rationally or calmly since she broke the news to him, but time had cooled that anger somewhat. Didn’t she understand what all this meant to her and to Noah as well as to him? Couldn’t she see how it would endanger their whole family structure and future? Noah might be too young to realize it, but surely she could, she wasn’t stupid or dumb and in fact he always thought she was far more intelligent and intuitive than he ever could be, yet she didn’t seem to comprehend the ramifications of Noah’s action. Hell she had called it a teenage experimentation that perhaps they should just ignore, which infuriated him at the time.

How could she even think that this was nothing more than some teenager letting his hormones misdirect him? Didn’t she see that by doing what he had set off to do could ruin him for life? Christ if his classmates ever found out he would be ostracized and traumatized for life perhaps. How could she have let him go to that boy’s place and not understand all this? Never mind the risks to his standing with his friends, to their own standing too but what about the health risks involved? For God’s sake he had heard the news reports, had seen the haggard faces of those afflicted by the gay disease, didn’t she understand that it could happen to Noah if they didn’t protect him from it?

The closing of the front door startled him and he realized that they both had gone inside without him. He sighed again and stood up and looked out at the house, and then around at the neighbours houses. He wondered what they would think if they knew that their neighbour’s boy had gone queer? Would they still talk to him, would they still let Noah cut their grass or would they even open their door to him? All of that played in his mind as he trudged up the walk to go inside, to try and make the best out of a worse situation that seemed to only get more horrible with each passing thought. What was he going to say, do?

Rachel Collins

It felt like she was living in a nightmare that wouldn’t end. First the talk with that Dakota’s mother that had started this nightmare, then deciding that she needed to discuss it with Nathan, while they had the time alone, only deepened the nightmare for her. God if she had only known how he would react maybe she would have waited, but that was water under the bridge and yet in some ways she couldn’t really blame him either. To just dump all this on him when he had all those other headaches to deal with. Work, making a decent living for them to exist on, all of that and here she comes and just blurts out that Noah is maybe gay. God what was she thinking and yet what else could she do?

She couldn’t have kept it quiet, least she didn’t think she could and besides, what kind of marriage would it be if she tried to hide this from him? It wasn’t like Nate was a bad person, bit strait-laced and all but that was part of what had attracted her to him. The way he was so focused on life, the way he stuck to a path and didn’t just give up when things got rough or tough. He was a fighter and yet now the very things that had made her fall in love with him angered her a bit and even scared her. Her heart ached as she realized just how terrified she was of him, of what he might do to not just her but to her son.

What was it about men that made them think a good left jabs or right crosses would solve a problem? Was it something to do with all that macho crap they spouted or was it just a gender thing? Were they that insecure that when their masculinity felt threatened they struck out with their fists? Her body shook a little as she saw the hatred on his face, the blind rage that seemed to have overtaken him when she had told him. For a brief instant she felt like he might strike her and she had cowered, slinking out of his way as he tossed his suit jacket across the room, pushing chairs out of his way as he stormed around the house. His voice had become so angry and shrill that she was certain it would bring the police to the house.

In some ways Nathan had a right to be angry with her, as she should have talked to him long before this evening but how could she? She herself wasn’t too certain about it, and she still wasn’t 100% certain that Noah was that way. IF he was, well they would have to find a way to deal with it, but couldn’t he see that first they had to find out if he was or not? Instead he had gone off like some rocket and she didn’t dare try to speak, afraid he would lash out at her even more. Her heart ached at the harsh words he had spoken and even all the time driving to go pick Noah up he hadn’t let up until they finally drew near, only then did he quieten down and become more like the man she had married. The ranting and raving one who had driven them there certainly didn’t remind her of anyone she knew. He was like a totally different person who in some ways she could understand but in other ways it only angered her and scared her. This was their son, couldn’t he see that? Did he have to go on about neighbours, classmates, and work when the whole thing could have been a simple misunderstanding? Why did he have to go off like he had? Was he really like that angry person who pushed chairs across the room or was he the man who held her and told her she smelt nice? Which was he?

It was all confusing to her. Everything she had ever dreamed of he had given her and more too. He loved her and never forgot a birthday, anniversary or anything, hell he even remembered their first date and what they had done so how could that person change so rapidly just from hearing that their son might be gay? How could that same sweet caring man turn into the raving lunatic that had stormed around their house for a good hour before even calming down enough to speak to?

When they had driven up to the Northwood home she had seen the surprise on Mrs Northwood’s face, and yet it was almost as if she sort of expected them. She had a look of sadness too when Nathan had firmly asked where his son was and gotten the answer that he was out on the property with Dakota. The cries that came suddenly to them had made Nathan’s face go white, as chalk and even Mr Northwood looked frightened as they heard that primal cry that was their son’s voice. She felt the pain that tore into her heart at that sound and she could feel Nate stiffen. She worried he would strike out but he surprised her by his almost normal voice. He didn’t fool her though, she could hear the anguish in it and even the anger too as he asked if they would be kind enough to point out where Noah was. Mr Northwood had sent his daughter out to get them, asking if they’d like to come inside and for a moment or two the two men locked eyes.

It was strange to see them stare at each other, to see the flash of fire even that passed between them both with no words being spoken. Her husband’s breathing was rapid as he stood there, his fists balled at his side but other than that he looked perfectly at ease, perfectly normal and yet, it wasn’t normal. The whole situation had been unreal and the sounds of Noah’s voice along with another’s had only made her shiver in fear as she wondered what Nathan would do, what he would say and yet despite her fears he didn’t do anything. He was polite, courteous even and yet she could feel the underlying tension.

Opening the door to their home she could feel the resentment coming from her son and yet he too had surprised her. There was something different about him since she had dropped him off earlier and she wondered if maybe they were looking at this whole gay thing wrong? Could it be good for Noah in some weird way or was it just that she wanted to avoid this whole issue? There was no denying that Nathan was confused about it too and hurt even. That kind of surprised her because while it certainly could create problems, it wasn’t like Noah went out to become gay just to hurt Nathan or her, at least she didn’t think he did. Maybe it was just that they didn’t really understand this behaviour, maybe if they could discuss it rationally they might find that Noah was just being a typical teenager, just experimenting with sex like some kids experimented with hairstyles? That could be it couldn’t it and yet even as she kept trying to make it that way, deep down inside she knew it was something serious, something that frightened her husband and honestly, frightened her too.

She opened the door and walked inside, seeing the dining room chair still on its side and she felt that same fear rising up again, wondering what would happen next. Her heart ached from all this and to be honest she felt a bit of resentment at Noah for being the cause of it all and yet she knew that wasn’t fair, wasn’t just but it was how she felt. Her whole mind felt confused and clouded by the rapid change in her family, from Noah being gay to the violent reaction of her husband and there was also her own actions. How could she have kept this from Nate? That wasn’t like her and as she stood in the entrance way, she felt the confusion holding her immobile as her son came and looked at the mess in the house and then without even saying a word began to head towards his bedroom.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room”

“I think you should wait here for your father”

“What for?”

“Because I think he will want to talk to you, so do I”

The turned over chairs and way the room looked had surprised him and he felt a strange fear inside, wondering if his own father would dare to strike him or if he had hit her? As angry as he was with her he still worried that maybe his dad had lost it. Carefully he searched her face for any signs that his dad had hit her but he couldn’t find any, relieved by that at least. Inside he wondered what he would do though if his dad did strike him or lash out at his mother? Would he fight back or would he just take it? He wished he knew what to do or say but all he could think about was how he wanted to be with Dakota and how his parents were trying to deny him what he needed, what he wanted.

“Talk? Looks like he did plenty of that earlier”

“Knock that off Noah, your father uh, he uh, he was upset by the news, it is perfectly natural, given the situation”

“Situation? What situation is that mother? That I am gay?”

She couldn’t believe his flippancy, the way he stood his ground and spoke to her. It was like he was someone else and not the boy she had raised for the last 16 years. Whatever had happened with that Dakota boy had changed him, but if she was honest, the changes she was seeing now had started to show earlier on, after that first night. He was changing and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of those changes or even if they were changes that she wanted to see. Her son was growing up, but growing up to become what?

“Now Noah, don’t say that, how can you be… I mean you are only 16, you are just a boy, you can’t…”

“Can’t know what I am? Who I am? Is that what you and dad think? That this is just some phase?”

“Noah please, let us try to keep calm, go sit down and I’ll get us some drinks while your father gets uh, while he, uh…”

“Figures out what to do about his queer son?”

The sound of his son’s voice saying ‘that’ word only infuriated him as he stood there, listening to them and he wondered what it was that had happened to the nice loving family he thought he had? Everything was all jumbled up, all topsy turvy as he came more into the room, his voice suddenly cutting through the room’s stillness, making everyone turn towards him.

“Noah! Don’t talk to your mother in that tone”

Neither of them had heard him come inside nor heard the door open or close so he had startled them. Her face was white like he had thought and as he stood there, the anger inside of him was fighting for dominance with the pride too. He had never seen his son stand up like this before, never before seen the defiance that simply glowed from him as it did right now. He had changed and part of him was glad and yet whenever he thought that way, he would suddenly realize what was causing that defiance. His anger still held him hostage and yet his mind was so muddled, so unsure that the voices inside were nothing but a jumbled mess. He didn’t know which way to turn, which course to take.

Noah’s face was filled with rage and anger as he glared at his father. His eyes were dark and ominous as he just stared at him, then in a strange and calm action he turned and walked past his mother without even looking at her. He went to the living room and sat in the big armchair off to one side of the long sofa. His eyes didn’t look right or left as he just looked towards the sofa, waiting it seemed and yet in its own way, showing his total defiance to them. Nathan couldn’t believe it and as the anger rose up inside of him his eyes glanced over at the fallen chair, feeling a sudden sense of shame that overwhelmed him.

He moved hesitantly into the room, stopping briefly by his wife’s side and looked deeply into her eyes. He could see her fear clearly and it troubled him as he managed a wan smile to her, touching her arm briefly with a softness that seemed to surprise her. He then moved past the room towards the dining area where he picked up the fallen chair and placed it back in its proper spot. He then turned around to stare at his wife and at the glaring face of his son.

“Rachel, would you mind making some coffee please?”

She was stunned by his calm voice and by the way he was looking at her. It was almost as if he was trying to apologize to her and she even thought she saw something in his face that only made her heart tremble. It was like he was feeling guilty and ashamed of his actions, and for a moment or two all she could think of was how much she loved him, how much she needed him and wanted him to just hold her. Yet as much as she wanted to just fall into his arms, she knew that they would first have to confront this evening. Her heart grew frightened as she wondered if this was merely the calm before the real storm hit or worse?

With an uncertainty of what lay ahead, she nodded and headed towards the kitchen, wondering what had changed because something had. His anger was still there, she could see it in his face still and yet it wasn’t really the same. It was more like he was angry at himself more than her or Noah and as she entered the kitchen she heard him begin to talk to Noah, a further surprise to her as she could hear how soft and calm his voice was, yet it was filled with a pain she couldn’t begin to quite fathom.

“Guess you are pretty pissed at me right now, aren’t you Noah?”

Noah swallowed and stared at his father, the man suddenly transformed from the silent angry man to someone who looked liked he was about to break down and cry. It confused him as he wondered what would happen, as he wondered if the man he called ‘dad’ was going to beat him or throw him out and then this? It was confusing as he sat there, wishing Dakota was here with him, hoping that whatever did happen tonight that he could keep his word, that he would find a way to once more be with Dakota.