Story - The Lottery (2)

May 20, 2008 · Filed Under Erotic Fiction

Table of contents for The Lottery

The Lottery

Part 2

I really don’t see why you want me to go, they are all your friends anyhow…

So? Besides it’s good for you, you can’t just sit around your place, and after all it is a party for me…

Yeah, one you conned him into throwing for you.

He owes me, I mean shit he never told me that house was for him, and that damn lawyer screwed me…

Come on Mark he didn’t, you got more than what you expected, you are just ticked cause if you’d have known it was for this Paul guy you would have gone over the lawyer’s head…

Why not? Shit I’ve known Paul for years, why shouldn’t he have paid full commission? Shit man, the guy won 80 million… he can afford it.

Yeah well he at least bought the house through you, isn’t that enough?

Well why shouldn’t he? And no, I mean what’s a few thousand between friends?

Well, you are getting the party, that seems to be more than a few thousand the way you been going at it.

So? I deserve it.

I know, you keep telling me.

Fuck Jock, what’s up your ass man? Ever since I started planning this party you been a real downer, that bitch of an ex giving you shit?

No more than normal, no, its just, well the school year is almost over…

So? Means you don’t have to put up with screaming kids and all that crap, you got time off, what’s the beef?

My contract isn’t being renewed that’s the beef, what am I going do for a job next year?

Shit you knew that was coming, after all that ex wife of yours is one damn cunt.

Yes, but still, I didn’t think that they would not renew, or at least they’d arrange something with another school…

Shit Jock, get real. They may talk about equal rights and all that bull, but you are queer, that and your ex is mouthing off.

So what am I supposed to do?

Party, what the fuck else is there? Let the damn lawyers sort it out, now come on… you gonna pick up those boxes for me at the deli and take them up to Paul’s place Friday or not?

Okay, I’ll take them up, but I won’t stay.

Suit yourself, if you do we’ll have fun, if not, hey we’ll hook up later then.

Is that all you ever think about?

What?

Hooking up? Shit Mark, sometimes I wonder why I bother…

Easy man, cause I found you in the bar and didn’t let you go home with that leather freak, that and I got you a good lawyer for a good price…

Yeah and you got to be my first, so that should square it.

Hey, I liked what you got, wouldn’t mind bit more though, so…

No, told you, that up the ass stuff, I just… it just doesn’t seem right, least not now…

Yeah yeah, but you really don’t know what you are missing man, its good, once you get used to it.

So you say, and I do appreciate you helping me out of that jam at the bar, but come on man, is that all there is?

That’s it, I mean come on, we only live once so who the fuck wants to just have one or two to remember? I want lots of people to remember me, it’s the only way to go.

Okay, I won’t debate it with you. What time am I supposed to pick this stuff up at?

Tomorrow at 9am. It’s a four hour drive, six the way you pussy foot it, make sure you pack the meat stuff in ice… don’t let it spoil, cause there is no way I can replace it in that damn burg that Paul’s moved to.

Okay, I guess I’ll see you there then? What time are you showing up?

Me? I don’t know, got to show a condo at 1 and then check a few things, so not till after dinner I suppose.

Well what am I supposed to do?

Paul will entertain you, he’s not bad even if he is almost 61.

Thanks, so the stuff, its all paid for?

Uh no, look just pay them and give the receipt to Paul, he’ll give it right back to you.

Fuck, no way Mark, Christ, you go pay for it and give him the bill, I am not going to.

I can’t, my cards are maxed, come on Jock, Paul will cut you a cheque right then..

Shit, I don’t know… how much is all this shit?

I don’t know, few hundred…

FEW HUNDRED? Jesus Christ… okay, but damn it, you better let this Paul guy know, don’t make me spring it on him when I get there.

Okay, shit you are such a damn wusse at times Jock, guess that comes from being pussy whipped, thank God I never fell for that.

Thanks, I feel a whole lot better now.

Well shit man, why’d you marry her? You really thought that by marrying her you could avoid being queer?

Okay, so I fucked up, I thought I loved her, least …shit never mind.

I gotta go, so we’re cool on tomorrow?

Yeah

Jock put the phone down and stared at the black object for a few minutes. It was typical Mark he thought as he sat in the rather worn armchair. The guy sometimes just had no concept of what it was like to be one of his friends. Then too, he wondered if he was really one of Mark’s friends? Maybe all he was was a piece of ass.

He had to admit though, Mark had saved him from a fate he really didn’t want to even think about, least not sober. God he really had been drunk that night and God only knows what would have happened if Mark hadn’t butted in and shooed that other guy off. For the life of him he really didn’t remember much about that whole episode, just bits and pieces of it. Jock knew he had been in a gay bar, knew that the guy sitting next to him kept playing with Jock’s crotch until Mark showed up. Other than that there really wasn’t much to remember.

Hell even going back to Mark’s condo was a blur. He could recall the way Mark got him onto the bed, he could recall how he felt the breeze on his naked body and the warm glow as Mark sucked him off but that was pretty well all he remembered. Still it was something that could have been worse. He did remember how Mark wanted him to turn over, but he also remembered how Mark took his ‘no’ without really pressing. Shit if he had maybe he wouldn’t be such a wusse now about it, maybe Mark was right but that hadn’t happened.

His eyes were a bit glazed as he stared at the room that was now his home. He felt the unease inside as he realized that after 14 years all he had to show for his life was a small tiny bachelor suite in a seedy run down apartment building out on the fringe of the city. After those years in college struggling to get ahead, to get his teaching degree and then the endless substitute jobs until he landed finally at what was his current school.

Sitting there he wondered why it was that he couldn’t asset himself more? Okay so he had married his high school girlfriend, it wasn’t like Mark had thought. He really had believed that he loved her, that she was the one that he wanted to spend his life with. As for the notion that he knew then that he was gay, well maybe but not the way Mark thought.

Sure he had had those kind of thoughts, dreams even but he had just chalked it up to being a bit different. Back then in the 1980’s there was a lot of talk about it, it grabbed his attention or so he had thought. It wasn’t that he had ever really enjoyed sex with Norma Jean but it was after all what was expected. You didn’t go to school and not date, and if you dated you were expected to at least try to get in her pants. How did he know that he would succeed?

He felt the pain inside of his heart as he realized just how much of his life had been a lie. Inside he knew, always knew that guys held more interest for him than women but it hadn’t stopped him from doing what was expected of him by his friends, by his own family even. Norma Jean was a nice girl, or had been. She loved him then and it had simply not occurred to them to use condoms or anything else.

Now here he was, 32 years old without a job and having to pay alimony for a 14 year old daughter who refused to even talk to him and another 12 year old daughter who rarely bothered to say hello when he called. As for Norma Jean, well she had simply taken to being down right nasty.

He got up and stood up by the wall where his portable television was. He had it surrounded by shelves that contained nothing but paperback books that he had collected over the years. Reading had been a passion for him and he had over 700 books, and now that was all he had left to show for his life with Norma Jean. Strange how in some ways he really didn’t mind that. The SUV was too expensive for him anyhow and he had a nice second hand, well really fifth or sixth hand little datsun now. It saved him on insurance as well as gas but still it wasn’t easy to afford given how most of his income went to child support and Norma Jean.

She had been so vicious it had stunned him. Even when the divorce had been final last June she hadn’t relented one bit. She still hounded him, especially when alimony or child support cheque didn’t show up on time she would be on the phone yelling at him, accusing him of all sorts of things, deriding him and threatening him with her lawyer the next day. It had gotten to the point that he had finally arranged for an automatic withdrawal just to avoid the phone calls.

Custody had been another battle all together. At first he had gotten every other weekend but within a few months she had gotten full custody demanding supervised visits only. She felt his affliction, as she called it, might harm the well being of her daughters. The judge had agreed after less than a half hour of arguments.

Then just after the final papers had been signed, she once more took him to court demanding no visitation rights based on his ‘deviant lifestyle’ and again, the judge had granted it. Hell he hadn’t even been with a guy and the judge accepted her lawyers claim that he was perverted, that he was unfit to be near small children. Christ the Judge had even issued a damn restraining order which his lawyer had finally gotten removed, but the whole summer had been nothing but a struggle to just remain sane in a world gone mad.

Well at least he had his books and they at least still managed to give him some solace, some comfort. To be honest he knew he should have perhaps broken it off with Norma Jean a long time before but he never could bring himself to talk to her about it. He still didn’t know if he would have if she hadn’t found his men magazines. It was his one major fault really, his inability to stand up for himself or to even defend himself.

Christ look at how he acted with Mark. He knew in his heart that Mark only looked at him as a piece of fresh meat but he hung around him none the less. He knew that all Mark wanted was to fuck him and once that he had, Jock knew he’d more than likely not even bother to answer his phone calls. Still he didn’t stop calling Mark which only proved his point, he was just too much of a wimp.

Oh he had tried, but Mark was right actually. He was pussy whipped in more ways than even Mark could know. His parents had been immigrants and worked hard. They didn’t understand this part of him and when the divorce had come out, they had been stunned and disappointed. Time would heal that, he hoped but still you could hear their reticence in their voices when he called them every Sunday. They didn’t exactly turn away from him but he no longer was asked over for dinner, was no longer asked to attend birthday or anniversary events either. It was like they were ashamed of him which he accepted, perhaps even agreed with.

He just stood there, looking around at the sum total of his life. There was no way of knowing if he’d ever teach again which hurt. It was his passion, to see kids learning and knowing that whatever they became, he might have had a small part in their success. Yet that too was now being taken from him simply because he was different. There was an anger inside of him that he struggled with as he stared at nothing but the emptiness of the room. How could he have allowed himself to get into this situation?

Jock still wasn’t certain when the knowledge that he was gay actually made it into his conscious mind, but it sure as hell fucked him up when it did. He still found himself asking if he was but he had to admit, he liked it when Mark would play with his dick, when he would kiss him hard on the lips. It was something he had never experienced when he had sex with Norma Jean. Of course he never had sex with any other female but it just, well just didn’t feel the same. Sure he could get it up for her, after all they did have two kids but that was physical and it wasn’t automatic either. It took effort to force his body to obey the needs but with Mark it was different. Shit even with the guys he would stare at it was like a whole different feeling. His dick would grow hard and there were times when it ached so much that he had to jerk off twice just to relax. As much he would like to rationalize it, he couldn’t. Simple fact was that he was gay and he better start getting used to it. Everyone else seemed to accept it so he might as well.

He reached out for his road map to find the best way out of the city to head to Arnold. God why did a guy who won so much money want to live way up there? Okay it was up in the Sierra’s and was wine country but still, why go up there when you had so much in the city? Part of him felt kind of envious though, it would be nice to just be someplace where there wasn’t all the hassle and hustle of a big city. Maybe that was the answer but he wished he didn’t have to go to this party.

In his heart he knew that Mark would be Mark and that he would wind up sitting in a corner watching Mark hold court. The guy loved to be the centre of attention and from what he had seen of the guest list, there were plenty of single men who would willingly oblige Mark his wants and needs. It pissed him off a little because he knew that Mark was doing it for that reason. He wanted to be Jock’s first and was using these other guys as a way to force him.

Part of him felt like just giving in, to let Mark fuck him up the ass but something kept holding him back. He couldn’t explain it, just that it hadn’t felt right to do even though each time he jerked off he thought about it. He really did wonder what it would feel like to have another man entering his body in that way. Those thoughts always made him ache in a strange way but the end result was that he always shot a hard heavy load afterwards. Christ maybe he should just do it but then, what about after?

Jock was smart enough to know that Mark would maybe keep him around a bit longer after that but not much. Mark was the type who didn’t want commitments. He just wanted to party and go from one body to the next. Most of the people that Mark had introduced him to weren’t really much different. The weekends were spent bar hopping or house hopping. Drugs flowed almost as freely as the booze did.

In some ways it had been what he had needed but lately the idea of spending a weekend getting pissed with a bunch of pretty people just didn’t seem as enjoyable as it once had. Maybe it was that he finally had enough of hiding or maybe it was just that he was wanting something more than what he was getting? Christ there was no way that Mark would want to go to the opera or see a show or even a movie. All that guy and his group seemed to want was to get high and drunk and fuck their brains out.

One thing about falling in with Mark and his crowd was that he at least had picked up some tips on what to do and what not to do when getting it on. It was like most of them couldn’t care who was in the room when the mood came on them. That was more from the drugs and booze but still it shocked him at first, still did really. Maybe Mark was right, maybe deep down he was just a prude but to him sex was something you did in private, not in front of a whole group of people you barely knew.

There had been that one weekend when Mark had more less shamed him into doing some cocaine. Drugs had always scared him really but he had given in. To this day he still felt a bit uneasy about that episode, and his mind kept badgering him about it. While the high itself had been something unexpected, the feelings afterwards sure as fuck weren’t. He still felt dirty for doing it and for all that went on after. Now here he was being conned into another party where more than likely the drugs would flow. He really didn’t want to stay but inside he knew he would. Not for the drugs but simply for the companionship.

His eyes misted a little as he realized that if Mark did dump him, he really still would have no one. It was that feeling that had finally driven him to that bar where Mark had picked him up and so what did the future hold for him? If things went on this way he knew that eventually Mark would tire of trying to nail him, then he would be alone again. So, what was he going to do, keep going to bars to try and find someone who wasn’t looking for a quick lay?

He supposed he could try joining some of those gay groups he had heard about and there had been a time when he had tried to find them. Hell last summer even he had thought about some of those groups but he just didn’t know how to go about it then. Really didn’t know anymore now either but at least he knew some more names. Maybe that was the way to go but shit, what if they were like everything else?

Queer As Folk was a show he had watched off and on last summer. To him Mark Thayer was Brian Kinney but he sure as hell was no Justin. Still the way they portrayed the lifestyle was exactly how it seemed to be with Mark. The drugs, booze, the endless mindless sex. So maybe the show was bang on which meant that the other gay groups wouldn’t be for him anymore than this lifestyle was. Yet there had to be more to being gay than either partying or being some rights activist?

Jock reached out and picked up the book he had been reading. His eyes glanced over to the silver frame that held the pictures of his two daughters. His heart shuddered a little as he realized that it might be a long time before they would accept him into their lives again if ever. He felt the loss deeply as he tried to lose himself in his only real friend, his books.

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