Story - The Lottery (5)

May 23, 2008 · Filed Under Erotic Fiction

Table of contents for The Lottery

The Lottery

Part 5

Paul stared out at the people in his living room. His eyes moved along the sprawled figures laying out on the floor as he tried to put things into perspective. The whole night had been one of disappointment and yet relief too. Jock had left shortly after Mark’s arrival and in some ways Paul felt relieved.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted Jock to stay but then he did want to have to sit in the library or anywhere knowing that Mark would be pawing Jock’s young body either. There was no reason for him to feel jealous, after all Jock was Mark’s latest. Still he knew it would eat at him and so when Jock came to say good bye he felt relieved. Still there was something about that farewell that made him think. It was sort of like Jock hadn’t really wanted to leave, but that somehow he had sensed Paul’s reluctance to have him stay.

Funny how he kept having these thoughts about Jock. Granting Jock the ability to have read his mind or know how he was feeling was just bizarre if not downright wishful thinking. How could any man know what he was feeling in such a short time, yet he felt that Jock had. He couldn’t shake that notion and so far the evening had proven to be what he had expected.

Mark had been in rare form, more than likely from some pills he had popped before arriving. Yet there was something about Mark that made Paul wonder if he really knew him. It wasn’t anything specific, just the way he looked or glanced at him now & then. At times Mark Thayer could prove to be most astute but it was a rare occurrence or so Paul thought. Still there was no denying that throughout the evening he would find Mark staring over at him. It was like he knew but how could he? It wasn’t like he was carrying a sign and he had stayed out of the way once the so called guests began arriving.

Looking at the room he felt a bit disgusted. It hadn’t taken long before many of the so called friends were shucking their shirts and while he enjoyed staring at those flat stomachs and bare chests of men in their pride, they just didn’t seem to do much for him in a physical way. It was as if he was merely watching some odd television show or something. It seemed all so pointless to him as he saw men in their prime strutting around with drinks in hand and cigarettes dangling from their mouths as they tried to move in on one or another.

It was a part of gay life that he never quite grew accustomed to. How could anyone parade around in bikini briefs in front of perfect strangers like some of them did? He just couldn’t accept that but then he was smart enough to realize that it also didn’t necessarily define who they were. It was all an act, a show of what he supposed they felt was needed. Maybe it was even a release from the restrictions placed on them by a homophobic society but he cursed himself as his mind tried to make sense out of the blatant exhibitionism.

What did it matter really to him? As long as Jock wasn’t one of them he didn’t really care and from what he had seen, he knew that Jock wasn’t one of them. He doubted very much if Jock would even be the type who would undress in the bright glare of a bedroom light never mind in the full glare and gaze of strangers.

It was a strange scenario really as he stood there thinking about it all. There were some pretty good looking young men, some older some younger than Jock and yet to his minds eye they were no where near the handsome figure that Jock was, fully clothed too. It amazed him that he could feel so calculating about seeing nearly naked men parading around without even a small twinge in his groin, yet the mere thought of seeing Jock would give him a hard on that actually hurt.

Paul knew he loved sex, enjoyed it still despite his 61 years of age and if anything, his European trip showed him that he could still hold his own in that department. Yet knowing it didn’t really seem all that important to him. It wasn’t that he found men less attractive because they had a hard stomach or firm nipples. It didn’t seem to matter too much that they had a cut or uncut penis, or whether it was long or thick or whatever. None of that seemed to really weigh in anymore and even his dreams about Jock didn’t seem to dwell on how well he might or might not be endowed.

He sighed, recalling that smile, the way the rich dark chocolate eyes would shimmer when something pleased him. That is what turned his head, that is what made his heart skip a beat or two. Then too there was the look, the way the head would tilt as he read the spine of a book or how his face would light up and just radiate that made Paul’s heart freeze in utter fascination. All of that made up his dreams, his thoughts of Jock and yet he had spent no more than a few hours in the man’s company. Either he was getting senile or perhaps there really was such a thing as fate, as kismet.

In many ways he found himself comparing Jock to Jason. Both of them had their first names starting with the letter ‘J’ but the similarities seemed to end there. Jason was by far more outgoing than Jock seemed to be. As well he knew that Jason was much more comfortable in being gay than Jock. Perhaps it was that which attracted him to Jock? Jason had been shorter but then he had that same look didn’t he? He had seen flashes of it during his brief time talking to Jock, the way the whole body could suddenly become animated as something caught his fancy or drove his passion. Jason had been like that, a fireball in every sense of the word really.

Strange, he had always been the shy one between the two of them. It had been Jason who had really pursued him in a fashion and when they fought, it hadn’t been about him not standing up. Yet here he was now finding himself drawn to another who felt the shame and guilt of being gay. Paul knew that for the most part he was over his own sense of shame, his own sense of guilt at being so different than the rest of society but there were still remnants left to haunt him. It had happened on his trip and he had faced coming up to Arnold with a lot of trepidation, still he had come here, hadn’t he? So maybe there was hope for Jock too?

A sip of his wine brought him back to the present. His eyes once more moved across the room and he felt a sense of loneliness that he hadn’t really noticed before. He wondered what Jock would be doing now, hell he had been tempted to suggest that Jock call to say he had gotten back to the city safe. Like he was some mother hen or something but somehow it bothered him that he wouldn’t know.

Not really your style is it Paul?

Paul turned to see Mark Thayer standing near him and he wondered how he had missed seeing him coming up. He felt a bit badly because he had deliberately been avoiding engaging in any conversation with Mark since his arrival. It wasn’t that he was angry at him, just that he didn’t want to risk blurting anything out.

No, but you have always known that.

Yeah, suppose so. Guess intimate dinner parties and a seat at the theatre are more your style.

Yes it is, they can be entertaining you know, they aren’t as dull or boring as you make it sound.

No, I guess, but then that just isn’t me, now is it?

He really didn’t feel like discussing this with Mark. Yet there was a strange lilt to Mark’s voice as he had spoken. It was almost wistful in some ways but then more than likely it was simply Mark taunting. He did enjoy doing that at times and he really didn’t feel like getting into it with him. Why couldn’t he just go and enjoy his party instead of having to come and torment him?

That’s for certain. And what happens when you can no longer attract or participate in this type of entertainment, Mark? What then?

I couldn’t say Paul, doubt even if I’ll ever reach the age when that will be something I’ll have to even think about.

Typical Mark he thought. He never really did look beyond the latest fling or next party. All he ever really cared about was who was hot and who could he bed that night. In some ways Mark could pass as the model for that Brian character in Queer As Folk, but then even that character had some redeeming qualities. For the life him, right now Paul just couldn’t think of anything redeeming about Mark’s lifestyle.

It irritated him that here was Mark, with basically it all. He had a good job, made good money and more than that, he had his youth. He had what Paul wished he had in some ways. The self confidence to go out and meet new people and engage them. Mark was a charmer something Paul knew he wasn’t. Still it pissed him off that a guy like Mark could attract someone like Jock and not even realize how much it meant. God he would give anything to be able to reach out to someone like Jock. Mark on the other hand treated it so casually that it really got Paul’s dander up. Now here he was trying to play the poor downtrodden misunderstood queer. God it was enough to make a person puke.

Oh come on, you are healthy, young, what makes you think you won’t reach old age? Eventually we all have to grow up Mark, even you.

It’s not in the genes Paul, you know that. Still it is something I do think about on rare occasions, but what’s the use? Life is what it is, and I merely want to enjoy it now, later, well later can take care of itself then, if and when.

You still on that kick are you?

Kick? No Paul, I know you think of me as being shallow but this isn’t a kick, its being realistic. My family never lives to ripe old ages, for generations now, why should I be any different?

It wasn’t a conversation that was new to Paul yet the way Mark spoke was different than he had ever recalled before. There was a sense of finality about it that troubled him in a strange way. For the most part Mark was right, he did think of him as being a bit shallow, hell a lot actually but then he chalked it up to Mark simply being immature for his age. He never really did give him much credit for having any sense of values or responsibility. It was kind of a shock to think that perhaps there was something after all to Mark Thayer.

I don’t know, seems all a bit fatalistic to me.

You know in your own way you are an eternal optimist Paul, guess its one reason why I like you.

Oh? Is that the reason, and here I thought it was simply you taking pity on an old bald man.

You always were self depreciating Paul, it used to tick me off no end. You just don’t see yourself the way others do, or maybe you just don’t let yourself. You know, you don’t have to be alone all the time, there are nice guys out there.

Paul felt strangely uneasy about how the conversation was going. This wasn’t the Mark Thayer he was used to and yet in all the years that they had known each other, you could count on one hand the serious discussions. To be having such a talk in the middle of one of Mark’s orgies was to say the least, unusual.

It also was unusual and even bizarre for Mark to be so blunt so early. Mark did enjoy getting his digs in but they were usually veiled ones, never quite so blunt. One thing about Mark was he knew how to twist a person’s tail without really getting them too pissed off. He never risked that especially if he felt that person could be of use to him. For him to be this way now was different, it put him at risk, it made him vulnerable and that just wasn’t Mark’s style.

If he had known one thing about Mark it was his innate ability to cover his own ass. He never let himself become vulnerable to attack. Mark was the party boy, the one who always had a good time so this was out of character for him. Maybe he had indeed taken a new drug or something? Paul felt apprehensive as he tried to figure out just what was Mark’s game.

Now you are a councillor on relations? When did you change jobs to being a matchmaker?

Yeah I know, I come across as a whore, maybe in some ways I am. I enjoy random sex, I enjoy the carefree life free of any commitment or so I tell myself, but you are in some ways just as bad. You stand back and refuse to join in the party, so really aren’t you and me really the same?

The notion that he and Mark were the same was not only repugnant to him but it was insulting. His face grew taut and his voice became chilled as he stared blankly at Mark Thayer. For whatever reason he felt that Mark was trying to goad him, and for a brief moment he felt like just smashing his fist into Mark’s face. How dare he compare him to himself? Mark was right, he was a whore and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to commit, it was simply he didn’t know how and even if he did know how he wasn’t interested in it because it would mean having to do something that Mark Thayer never could do. It would mean sharing, it would mean letting someone else be the top dog. Mark would never do that, it just wasn’t in him.

The same? Come on, how can we be similar?

Easy Paul, at the end of the night we still wind up being alone.

Paul felt the blood draining from his face. His cheeks were drawn but Mark’s word stung deeply. He felt like retaliating in some childish fashion. How dare this self proclaimed whore even think they could be the same, have the same motives? It was not only rude but inconsiderate. He regretted ever agreeing to having this party even more so now and yet even as his anger seemed to almost burst free, he had to admit deep down that part of what he had said was true. He did wind up alone most nights, but it was different than Mark.

Okay, he didn’t go out all that much and coming home alone wasn’t because he was picky or too choosey either. He wanted to come home to someone, but it had to be to someone that he cared for, someone that cared back. Mark on the other hand wasn’t interested in that. Instead he was only interested in how good the fuck was, how good the guy could suck him off and please his physical needs. That type of desire, of need would never last and in his opinion could never be the basis for a long term relationship.

So how could he be the same? Okay yes he and Mark perhaps did share the final result, that they both ended up alone, but it was for different reasons. Surely that had to count for something, but then did it? Final analysis was the same in that they did both wind up alone. The realization of that cooled some of his outrage as he stared closer at Mark.

And that bothers you? You are surprising me Mark, I always thought you wanted to be alone, to have no attachments.

Paul noticed the distant look deep down into Mark’s dark green eyes. He had never noticed how the colours changed as you stared at them and yet Mark seemed to be off somewhere else, almost as if he was having this conversation with himself instead of with Paul. It felt very strange really because to him Mark was simply a kid who had yet to grow up. To find out that there was more to the man than his insatiable need to screw every stud under 35 was disconcerting. Yet as Mark stared back at him, Paul could see that somehow his remarks had struck a nerve. He actually thought he saw Mark feel sadden by his comment which wasn’t what one expected from Mark Thayer.

Yes well you of all people should know that looks can be deceiving… I suppose though its fair to say that’s how I want people to think of me, after all it is my image isn’t it?

Yes it is…

Yes… but I always thought you were smarter than that Paul, I thought you could see beyond the image, the persona…

He was suddenly feeling very confused by the turn of events. Was this really Mark Thayer? When did he become so deep, so filled with a greater sense of understanding than anyone could have ever imagined? It just didn’t fit and he had known Mark for some time now. This was new or was it? Paul couldn’t be sure but at the back of his mind he wondered why had he ever stuck with Mark as a friend? Had he somehow seen something but failed to recognize it or had it been wishful thinking?

At times… I mean…

It is okay Paul. I am good at what I do, whether its selling new found millionaires their dream homes or confounding & confusing my friends. I am good at it, but you are right to a point. I don’t want attachments but not for the reason you and everyone else thinks.

Well, yes you are good at what you do Mark, but why hide the real you? And as for why you don’t want attachments, well you do tend to make it rather clear, don’t see how anyone could mistake that.

Mistake it? No, if all you are interested in is a reason that fits your judgement of me and my life. Funny isn’t it Paul? I mean you are the one who has spent a lifetime having a love affair with a piece of paper that supposedly guides our whole country & yet you can’t see beyond the words, just as you can’t see beyond my actions.

Paul stared at Mark with a quizzical look. It had taken him completely by surprise this entire conversation. Yes he didn’t look beyond Mark’s actions, and for a second or two he felt like replying that actions spoke louder than words but there was something in Mark’s tone that made him bite back the angry retort. He wasn’t sure what it was, but somehow he felt on the defensive, as if all he had thought was being assailed. Mark’s reference to the constitution was a prime one, designed to hit him where it hurt and yet in some ways it made sense too. After all, interpreting that relatively small piece of paper was a lifetime vocation for many people over the last 200 odd years. Still it rankled that somehow he had missed something in Mark, and worse that Mark had fully expected him not to have missed it.

Look Mark, let’s not get into a fight tonight, this is your party and…

I suppose, but just for the record, you are wrong about me Paul, I avoid attachments not because I can’t share or can’t be second banana, I avoid them for the same reasons you do. As hard as that is for you to believe, but come on, admit it, that’s what you think of me, that I am just too shallow to play second fiddle, isn’t it?

Okay, since you ask, yes it is how I feel. I mean that is how you act, that is what you have stated so many times that it is like a mantra really.

Funny, it is a mantra, a way of keeping everyone clear, but I thought you could see beyond that. Bet you never knew I had a secret crush for you either.

At first he thought Mark was simply having him on. That whatever drugs he had been doing had made him melancholy or something but the more Mark spoke, the more he began to doubt that. Could Mark be right, could it really be that he missed seeing the real person beneath the façade? After all he was supposed to be astute, well learned in things like intent and all, so how could he of all people have missed all this? It just didn’t seem possible but yet with each word spoken by Mark the doubt only grew inside of him.

It was preposterous for him to really believe that Mark could ever find him attractive or desirable. Hell he was old enough to be his father, so this was just plain nonsense, or was it? Was Mark serious? The look in his eyes said he was but Paul’s mind couldn’t accept it. It had to be just one more devious trick of Marks to try and finagle some cash or favour out of him. That would be more in keeping with the Mark Thayer that he had come to know.

Oh come on, me? Why would the great sex god Mark Thayer have a crush on someone like me? Good lord I am at least 20 years your senior…

So? Since when did age really make a difference in the world of romance Paul? You are the supposed expert there, so you enlighten me… does age matter?

It can, I suppose… but… what is this? I mean why are you looking for a fight with me? You still pissed because my lawyer negotiated on the commission?

No, not at all but I suppose you won’t believe that anymore than you’ll believe I did have a crush on you or that I really would rather have someone steady in my life.

It was incredulous really. How dare Mark call him on this sort of stuff? Mark had never shown any indication that he liked Paul in anyway other than as someone to con into paying for a night out. How could Mark expect him to believe such an obvious bunch of malarkey? No there had to be some ulterior motive to all this bashing and frankly he was getting tired of it. He just wished that he could walk away but this was his house, and walking away wasn’t exactly practical.

Yet even his anger at being called to task on this wasn’t quite enough to stop him from wondering if part of what Mark was saying could be true. After all he did wonder at times why Mark did want him around. They had shared moments together without a group around. They had gone to dinners together or with Tommy, and to be honest they hadn’t been such bad times either. In fact if he was truly honest he had enjoyed himself. Mark could be rather charming when he wanted to be, so why all this now? Could he really be telling the truth or was there some devious plan behind this? Did he want Paul to feel guilty for not doing more for him? Or was it that Mark knew about the gift he had given Tommy? Could that be behind this talk of having a crush on him, of wanting a relationship?

As much as his heart wanted to believe Mark, somehow his mind wouldn’t let him. There were too many instances of Mark’s immaturity or shallowness to let him easily accept all this talk about him and Mark being similar.

You? With someone steady in your life? You are right, I don’t buy that.

I know.

Paul had expected something else, yet the two words spoken with such sadness, such obvious sorrow made him wince. It wasn’t like Mark to feel sorry for himself and yet looking at him, he could see that it did.

Why? Why should I? I mean come on Mark, why if that is what you really want do you do everything possible to keep that type or person away? You push them out of your life so fast their heads swim… so if you really mean that… then…

Then why? I told you why, my history Paul. No one, I mean no one in my family has lived beyond 62 years of age… and that’s going back several generations… so no, why should I ask anyone to sign up for a life with me when that life is so short? How can I ask anyone to fall for me, to make me the centre of their life when it won’t last more than a decade or two at best?

Come on… that’s not so. How do you… I mean…

You know my family, no one has lived beyond 63, and in fact most never made it much beyond 55, that means I may have less than 20 years to go, so is that fair? Would you ask someone to be a part of your life if you knew with relative certainty that in less than 20 years you would be dead? Would you Paul?

No, perhaps not, but Mark you don’t know that, I mean it isn’t 100% certain. Granted, it doesn’t look great but still…

Still I should take that risk? Fine if it only affected me, but what about that special person Paul? I see how you are, how come at age 61 you aren’t out there looking for your Mr. Right?

That’s different, I am 61 not 39.

True and less than 3 of my family ever reached 60 never mind 61.

Mark… I never… I mean..

Told you Paul, we are very much alike. You and I, we both don’t really want that special one..

It felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. Mark really was serious about all this and worse, he was right too about him. He didn’t go out searching for his special one for that very reason. He had lived long after Jason had passed away and he hated the feeling. The regrets that filled his thoughts when he tried not to let them, the pain that would attack him when he least expected. Yes, Mark was right he didn’t get up off that beach to go chase Jock because deep down he didn’t believe he had anything to offer him.

How could he go chasing someone like Jock when his time on this planet was indeed short? How could he expect to leave someone alone after only just getting to know them, just beginning to feel the love strengthen? No Mark was right on that score, he didn’t go chasing because he couldn’t bring himself to hurt them. How could he love someone and then knowingly cause them such pain in such a short span of time?

You are forgetting Jason.

No, I am not, you are though. From all accounts he is a perfect example of what I am saying. Look at you, how many years has it been Paul? Fifteen or twenty? So no, I am not forgetting Jason, I am remembering him which is why all this. I don’t want someone I care about to go through the rest of their life missing me like you miss him.

He had to say that Mark was being persistent. There was no denying that for whatever reason he was risking a lot by saying all this. He had to know that Paul wasn’t thrilled with him so to pursue this was almost, well almost like a final throw of the dice. What was the saying? Oh right, there is nothing so free as one who has nothing left to lose. Mark was acting like he had lost it all and for the life of him, Paul couldn’t understand why.

Twenty but that is different. I live a good life, I have my interests. It isn’t like I am holed up in my apartment or something.

No? Let me see, you move way out here after winning a fortune, if that isn’t hiding out by yourself, what is? Think about it Paul, when you didn’t have the money what did you do? You went out for the occasional dinner or show, the odd concert maybe but for the most part you stayed home and read a book or watched a movie. You know, you and Jock should get together, he’s so much like you its scary really.

It was unreasonable to feel this way but Paul felt like he wanted to throttle Mark. To bring Jock up was like placing the red flag in front of the bull and Paul was in no mood to dance around now. He felt like simply charging in. He couldn’t explain the overwhelming urge to rush to Jock’s defence when really, he knew little about him.

Okay the guy liked books, was enamoured by them it seemed in the same way that he was. How could that be so wrong and why should Mark be trying to make out like it was wrong to enjoy solitude with a good book for company? Not everyone was out to suck dick or screw. Maybe the real problem was Mark wasn’t getting what he wanted.

Perhaps Mark felt like Jock wasn’t complying like one of his loyal subjects. Whatever the reason Paul felt strangely protective of the young man. Even if the guy hadn’t haunted his dreams for almost a year, it wasn’t fair or right of Mark to try and judge him that way. Jock was obviously coming off a terrible divorce. How would anyone react under that kind of stress and now possibly losing his job in his chosen profession? Damn, why couldn’t Mark show some damn compassion instead it was always about him, about his needs or wants. He just didn’t understand that people like Jock were special. They needed nurturing not bullying.

Jock? Come on, he’s young, he goes out I am sure, after all he is with you. How can you say that about him? Hell if he was my friend I’d sure as hell not treat him like some errand boy. Besides I moved up here to relax, to enjoy nature and the peace it gives me. It doesn’t mean I won’t be going to the city or wherever.

No, you and Jock are the same. He’s just a younger version of you Paul. As much as you might not like to hear it, you are old and what’s worse Paul, you act like it. And before you get all huffy, I mean it in the way that you act it. I don’t care if you are 61 or 81 really, because for all the time I have known you, you have always acted like a man nearing his 100^th birthday. You just don’t go out and have fun.

You make it hard for someone to like you Mark, that isn’t a nice think to say.

So shoot me Paul, but you know in your heart it’s the truth.

I don’t act old, I act my age.

Bullshit, you act old, like all you are doing is marking time.

Just because my interests aren’t yours, simply because I might enjoy reading a book more than I do running around half naked with a bunch of drugged out sluts doesn’t make me old or mean I am merely marking time.

No, true it doesn’t but when reading that good book isn’t for the entertainment value but is more of a retreat from what is out there, more of an excuse for not being out there then yeah, its just marking time.

I don’t do that.

No? Then tell me something.

What?

Why did you let him go?

Let him go? Who? What are you talking about?

Jock.

He didn’t know what to say to that and Mark knew it. He just stared at Paul for a minute or two then turned and headed back to the milling group of naked and near naked studs that were laying about on the hardwood floors. Paul just watched as Mark moved over to where two young blondes where caressing each other. Paul just stood there watching as Mark began to massage one’s inner thigh, his hands moving but as he watched him, Paul could see that it was all reflex. There was nothing sensual or even emotional about it. It was just mechanical in nature.

Paul didn’t know how long he stood there watching Mark work on first one then the other but as he stared out at him, he felt strangely saddened. It made sense, too much sense really and as much as he wanted to believe that Mark’s attacks were nothing but a ploy, he couldn’t shake the feeling that what Mark had told him had been real, had been the truth.

As he saw Mark finally wiggling out of his pants he headed off to the library. He had seen enough naked groping men for one night and thankfully they’d all be gone by mid afternoon. He’d more than likely have to spend the rest of the day and next cleaning but at least it would be over. He doubted if he’d see Mark anytime soon but as he thought that, he felt sad.

Closing the library door on the club music echoing from his living room Paul stared around the large cavernous room. He knew it would look better once he added more books to the shelves, but he was in no rush. His eyes moved over to where Jock had stood, and he could see him holding the book. The look of pure joy etched across his face was something that lifted his heart up. Still, the idea that at the end of it all, Mark had been right. Jock was back at his place and he was here, alone again just as Mark said.

As much as he wanted to just forget all that Mark had said, he couldn’t. Every time he tried to think back to how good the afternoon had felt, there would come Mark’s accusations, his tone, his inflection, his damn sorrowful green eyes. Paul walked aimlessly around the room, his hand brushing up against some of the books, trying to gain the comfort they always had given him but for some reason, this time it failed to move him. The mere touch of his favourite books in leather didn’t even stop the torrent of self doubts that kept assailing his aching spirits.

Finally he moved towards the chairs and sat down. He stared at the empty fireplace and wondered what it would feel like to have someone next to him, to be able to turn and stare at the bent head of another person reading. Of course he wished it would be Jock, but now there was also the image of Mark. He knew that would never work out, but it felt rather awkward to even think that Mark had thought of him that way.

How could he have missed all that? It burned inside him as he tried to figure out if Mark was merely trying to weasel something or if he was sincere, a word one rarely associated with Mark Thayer. Still, in his heart he knew that Mark wasn’t a bad person. Even Jock had alluded to how Mark had literally saved his ass, which still intrigued his thoughts. Then too there was the simple fact that Mark wanted Jock, and to Paul’s surprise he hadn’t had him, least not fully or in the complete sense of the meaning. That too was something he needed to think about as the night wore on.

Sitting there, he felt strangely apprehensive. It was as if somehow he was being confronted with a major problem or decision really. He hadn’t liked what Mark had said but to be fair, a lot of it was true. He didn’t go out and seek someone for fear of leaving them, and he was certain that had been part of the reason for his inertia when he first spotted Jock. Trouble was, in being honest with himself, it was only one reason but not the whole reason. Damn Mark he thought, because now he would most certainly lay tossing and turning trying to figure this all out. Why couldn’t he have kept to form? Why did he have to spring this on him now?

He turned to look at the picture over on the mantle. If only Jason hadn’t left, if only…

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