The Lottery

Part 2

I really don’t see why you want me to go, they are all your friends anyhow…

So? Besides it’s good for you, you can’t just sit around your place, and after all it is a party for me…

Yeah, one you conned him into throwing for you.

He owes me, I mean shit he never told me that house was for him, and that damn lawyer screwed me…

Come on Mark he didn’t, you got more than what you expected, you are just ticked cause if you’d have known it was for this Paul guy you would have gone over the lawyer’s head…

Why not? Shit I’ve known Paul for years, why shouldn’t he have paid full commission? Shit man, the guy won 80 million… he can afford it.

Yeah well he at least bought the house through you, isn’t that enough?

Well why shouldn’t he? And no, I mean what’s a few thousand between friends?

Well, you are getting the party, that seems to be more than a few thousand the way you been going at it.

So? I deserve it.

I know, you keep telling me.

Fuck Jock, what’s up your ass man? Ever since I started planning this party you been a real downer, that bitch of an ex giving you shit?

No more than normal, no, its just, well the school year is almost over…

So? Means you don’t have to put up with screaming kids and all that crap, you got time off, what’s the beef?

My contract isn’t being renewed that’s the beef, what am I going do for a job next year?

Shit you knew that was coming, after all that ex wife of yours is one damn cunt.

Yes, but still, I didn’t think that they would not renew, or at least they’d arrange something with another school…

Shit Jock, get real. They may talk about equal rights and all that bull, but you are queer, that and your ex is mouthing off.

So what am I supposed to do?

Party, what the fuck else is there? Let the damn lawyers sort it out, now come on… you gonna pick up those boxes for me at the deli and take them up to Paul’s place Friday or not?

Okay, I’ll take them up, but I won’t stay.

Suit yourself, if you do we’ll have fun, if not, hey we’ll hook up later then.

Is that all you ever think about?

What?

Hooking up? Shit Mark, sometimes I wonder why I bother…

Easy man, cause I found you in the bar and didn’t let you go home with that leather freak, that and I got you a good lawyer for a good price…

Yeah and you got to be my first, so that should square it.

Hey, I liked what you got, wouldn’t mind bit more though, so…

No, told you, that up the ass stuff, I just… it just doesn’t seem right, least not now…

Yeah yeah, but you really don’t know what you are missing man, its good, once you get used to it.

So you say, and I do appreciate you helping me out of that jam at the bar, but come on man, is that all there is?

That’s it, I mean come on, we only live once so who the fuck wants to just have one or two to remember? I want lots of people to remember me, it’s the only way to go.

Okay, I won’t debate it with you. What time am I supposed to pick this stuff up at?

Tomorrow at 9am. It’s a four hour drive, six the way you pussy foot it, make sure you pack the meat stuff in ice… don’t let it spoil, cause there is no way I can replace it in that damn burg that Paul’s moved to.

Okay, I guess I’ll see you there then? What time are you showing up?

Me? I don’t know, got to show a condo at 1 and then check a few things, so not till after dinner I suppose.

Well what am I supposed to do?

Paul will entertain you, he’s not bad even if he is almost 61.

Thanks, so the stuff, its all paid for?

Uh no, look just pay them and give the receipt to Paul, he’ll give it right back to you.

Fuck, no way Mark, Christ, you go pay for it and give him the bill, I am not going to.

I can’t, my cards are maxed, come on Jock, Paul will cut you a cheque right then..

Shit, I don’t know… how much is all this shit?

I don’t know, few hundred…

FEW HUNDRED? Jesus Christ… okay, but damn it, you better let this Paul guy know, don’t make me spring it on him when I get there.

Okay, shit you are such a damn wusse at times Jock, guess that comes from being pussy whipped, thank God I never fell for that.

Thanks, I feel a whole lot better now.

Well shit man, why’d you marry her? You really thought that by marrying her you could avoid being queer?

Okay, so I fucked up, I thought I loved her, least …shit never mind.

I gotta go, so we’re cool on tomorrow?

Yeah

Jock put the phone down and stared at the black object for a few minutes. It was typical Mark he thought as he sat in the rather worn armchair. The guy sometimes just had no concept of what it was like to be one of his friends. Then too, he wondered if he was really one of Mark’s friends? Maybe all he was was a piece of ass.

He had to admit though, Mark had saved him from a fate he really didn’t want to even think about, least not sober. God he really had been drunk that night and God only knows what would have happened if Mark hadn’t butted in and shooed that other guy off. For the life of him he really didn’t remember much about that whole episode, just bits and pieces of it. Jock knew he had been in a gay bar, knew that the guy sitting next to him kept playing with Jock’s crotch until Mark showed up. Other than that there really wasn’t much to remember.

Hell even going back to Mark’s condo was a blur. He could recall the way Mark got him onto the bed, he could recall how he felt the breeze on his naked body and the warm glow as Mark sucked him off but that was pretty well all he remembered. Still it was something that could have been worse. He did remember how Mark wanted him to turn over, but he also remembered how Mark took his ‘no’ without really pressing. Shit if he had maybe he wouldn’t be such a wusse now about it, maybe Mark was right but that hadn’t happened.

His eyes were a bit glazed as he stared at the room that was now his home. He felt the unease inside as he realized that after 14 years all he had to show for his life was a small tiny bachelor suite in a seedy run down apartment building out on the fringe of the city. After those years in college struggling to get ahead, to get his teaching degree and then the endless substitute jobs until he landed finally at what was his current school.

Sitting there he wondered why it was that he couldn’t asset himself more? Okay so he had married his high school girlfriend, it wasn’t like Mark had thought. He really had believed that he loved her, that she was the one that he wanted to spend his life with. As for the notion that he knew then that he was gay, well maybe but not the way Mark thought.

Sure he had had those kind of thoughts, dreams even but he had just chalked it up to being a bit different. Back then in the 1980’s there was a lot of talk about it, it grabbed his attention or so he had thought. It wasn’t that he had ever really enjoyed sex with Norma Jean but it was after all what was expected. You didn’t go to school and not date, and if you dated you were expected to at least try to get in her pants. How did he know that he would succeed?

He felt the pain inside of his heart as he realized just how much of his life had been a lie. Inside he knew, always knew that guys held more interest for him than women but it hadn’t stopped him from doing what was expected of him by his friends, by his own family even. Norma Jean was a nice girl, or had been. She loved him then and it had simply not occurred to them to use condoms or anything else.

Now here he was, 32 years old without a job and having to pay alimony for a 14 year old daughter who refused to even talk to him and another 12 year old daughter who rarely bothered to say hello when he called. As for Norma Jean, well she had simply taken to being down right nasty.

He got up and stood up by the wall where his portable television was. He had it surrounded by shelves that contained nothing but paperback books that he had collected over the years. Reading had been a passion for him and he had over 700 books, and now that was all he had left to show for his life with Norma Jean. Strange how in some ways he really didn’t mind that. The SUV was too expensive for him anyhow and he had a nice second hand, well really fifth or sixth hand little datsun now. It saved him on insurance as well as gas but still it wasn’t easy to afford given how most of his income went to child support and Norma Jean.

She had been so vicious it had stunned him. Even when the divorce had been final last June she hadn’t relented one bit. She still hounded him, especially when alimony or child support cheque didn’t show up on time she would be on the phone yelling at him, accusing him of all sorts of things, deriding him and threatening him with her lawyer the next day. It had gotten to the point that he had finally arranged for an automatic withdrawal just to avoid the phone calls.

Custody had been another battle all together. At first he had gotten every other weekend but within a few months she had gotten full custody demanding supervised visits only. She felt his affliction, as she called it, might harm the well being of her daughters. The judge had agreed after less than a half hour of arguments.

Then just after the final papers had been signed, she once more took him to court demanding no visitation rights based on his ‘deviant lifestyle’ and again, the judge had granted it. Hell he hadn’t even been with a guy and the judge accepted her lawyers claim that he was perverted, that he was unfit to be near small children. Christ the Judge had even issued a damn restraining order which his lawyer had finally gotten removed, but the whole summer had been nothing but a struggle to just remain sane in a world gone mad.

Well at least he had his books and they at least still managed to give him some solace, some comfort. To be honest he knew he should have perhaps broken it off with Norma Jean a long time before but he never could bring himself to talk to her about it. He still didn’t know if he would have if she hadn’t found his men magazines. It was his one major fault really, his inability to stand up for himself or to even defend himself.

Christ look at how he acted with Mark. He knew in his heart that Mark only looked at him as a piece of fresh meat but he hung around him none the less. He knew that all Mark wanted was to fuck him and once that he had, Jock knew he’d more than likely not even bother to answer his phone calls. Still he didn’t stop calling Mark which only proved his point, he was just too much of a wimp.

Oh he had tried, but Mark was right actually. He was pussy whipped in more ways than even Mark could know. His parents had been immigrants and worked hard. They didn’t understand this part of him and when the divorce had come out, they had been stunned and disappointed. Time would heal that, he hoped but still you could hear their reticence in their voices when he called them every Sunday. They didn’t exactly turn away from him but he no longer was asked over for dinner, was no longer asked to attend birthday or anniversary events either. It was like they were ashamed of him which he accepted, perhaps even agreed with.

He just stood there, looking around at the sum total of his life. There was no way of knowing if he’d ever teach again which hurt. It was his passion, to see kids learning and knowing that whatever they became, he might have had a small part in their success. Yet that too was now being taken from him simply because he was different. There was an anger inside of him that he struggled with as he stared at nothing but the emptiness of the room. How could he have allowed himself to get into this situation?

Jock still wasn’t certain when the knowledge that he was gay actually made it into his conscious mind, but it sure as hell fucked him up when it did. He still found himself asking if he was but he had to admit, he liked it when Mark would play with his dick, when he would kiss him hard on the lips. It was something he had never experienced when he had sex with Norma Jean. Of course he never had sex with any other female but it just, well just didn’t feel the same. Sure he could get it up for her, after all they did have two kids but that was physical and it wasn’t automatic either. It took effort to force his body to obey the needs but with Mark it was different. Shit even with the guys he would stare at it was like a whole different feeling. His dick would grow hard and there were times when it ached so much that he had to jerk off twice just to relax. As much he would like to rationalize it, he couldn’t. Simple fact was that he was gay and he better start getting used to it. Everyone else seemed to accept it so he might as well.

He reached out for his road map to find the best way out of the city to head to Arnold. God why did a guy who won so much money want to live way up there? Okay it was up in the Sierra’s and was wine country but still, why go up there when you had so much in the city? Part of him felt kind of envious though, it would be nice to just be someplace where there wasn’t all the hassle and hustle of a big city. Maybe that was the answer but he wished he didn’t have to go to this party.

In his heart he knew that Mark would be Mark and that he would wind up sitting in a corner watching Mark hold court. The guy loved to be the centre of attention and from what he had seen of the guest list, there were plenty of single men who would willingly oblige Mark his wants and needs. It pissed him off a little because he knew that Mark was doing it for that reason. He wanted to be Jock’s first and was using these other guys as a way to force him.

Part of him felt like just giving in, to let Mark fuck him up the ass but something kept holding him back. He couldn’t explain it, just that it hadn’t felt right to do even though each time he jerked off he thought about it. He really did wonder what it would feel like to have another man entering his body in that way. Those thoughts always made him ache in a strange way but the end result was that he always shot a hard heavy load afterwards. Christ maybe he should just do it but then, what about after?

Jock was smart enough to know that Mark would maybe keep him around a bit longer after that but not much. Mark was the type who didn’t want commitments. He just wanted to party and go from one body to the next. Most of the people that Mark had introduced him to weren’t really much different. The weekends were spent bar hopping or house hopping. Drugs flowed almost as freely as the booze did.

In some ways it had been what he had needed but lately the idea of spending a weekend getting pissed with a bunch of pretty people just didn’t seem as enjoyable as it once had. Maybe it was that he finally had enough of hiding or maybe it was just that he was wanting something more than what he was getting? Christ there was no way that Mark would want to go to the opera or see a show or even a movie. All that guy and his group seemed to want was to get high and drunk and fuck their brains out.

One thing about falling in with Mark and his crowd was that he at least had picked up some tips on what to do and what not to do when getting it on. It was like most of them couldn’t care who was in the room when the mood came on them. That was more from the drugs and booze but still it shocked him at first, still did really. Maybe Mark was right, maybe deep down he was just a prude but to him sex was something you did in private, not in front of a whole group of people you barely knew.

There had been that one weekend when Mark had more less shamed him into doing some cocaine. Drugs had always scared him really but he had given in. To this day he still felt a bit uneasy about that episode, and his mind kept badgering him about it. While the high itself had been something unexpected, the feelings afterwards sure as fuck weren’t. He still felt dirty for doing it and for all that went on after. Now here he was being conned into another party where more than likely the drugs would flow. He really didn’t want to stay but inside he knew he would. Not for the drugs but simply for the companionship.

His eyes misted a little as he realized that if Mark did dump him, he really still would have no one. It was that feeling that had finally driven him to that bar where Mark had picked him up and so what did the future hold for him? If things went on this way he knew that eventually Mark would tire of trying to nail him, then he would be alone again. So, what was he going to do, keep going to bars to try and find someone who wasn’t looking for a quick lay?

He supposed he could try joining some of those gay groups he had heard about and there had been a time when he had tried to find them. Hell last summer even he had thought about some of those groups but he just didn’t know how to go about it then. Really didn’t know anymore now either but at least he knew some more names. Maybe that was the way to go but shit, what if they were like everything else?

Queer As Folk was a show he had watched off and on last summer. To him Mark Thayer was Brian Kinney but he sure as hell was no Justin. Still the way they portrayed the lifestyle was exactly how it seemed to be with Mark. The drugs, booze, the endless mindless sex. So maybe the show was bang on which meant that the other gay groups wouldn’t be for him anymore than this lifestyle was. Yet there had to be more to being gay than either partying or being some rights activist?

Jock reached out and picked up the book he had been reading. His eyes glanced over to the silver frame that held the pictures of his two daughters. His heart shuddered a little as he realized that it might be a long time before they would accept him into their lives again if ever. He felt the loss deeply as he tried to lose himself in his only real friend, his books.

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The Lottery

Part 1

Paul threw his satchel on the sofa as he came into the living room. His head ached from another day trying to impart some wisdom into the heads of his students, but he doubted if he managed to even make a dent in their thick heads. They really didn’t have the passion for it as he did, well maybe make that as he once did. Even he was feeling rather disappointed in his beloved constitution, but then that was maybe just due to his lack of sleep.

It was already nearing time for the Christmas break and since July he rarely had slept thru the entire night. He just couldn’t get past reliving those few weeks in July when he had stayed up at Tommy’s house at the River. Funny, how something inconsequential could wind up haunting you for weeks or months even. Maybe he was simply losing it or more likely he was just feeling his age.

He had celebrated his 60^th birthday back then, realizing too that at 60 he didn’t feel like he had really done much. Oh he had his degree, was a tenured professor of Constitutional Law at one of the nations top law schools and yet he felt unfulfilled. He glanced around at the neatly placed furniture, the glass dining table off in one corner, the huge picture screen television taking up one entire wall of his top floor apartment. Still while he had the material things he didn’t feel like he had anything else.

There had been that one brief romance, but that was now nearing almost 20 years ago. Third of his life was gone without him, and he had to admit, he still missed Jason. Hell he still got angry at him for dieing, and then too he also got sad at the loss. He was the one, the one who would have made his life complete and even though Jason had died nearly 20 years ago, he sill found himself thinking of him, well at least until last July. Then ‘he’ came into Paul’s life and the worse thing about it was he didn’t even know who ‘he’ was. Shit he didn’t even know the guy’s name or anything about him but still the chance encounter had done something to him.

His whole body would get warm and tingly just recalling that first sighting of him. Now his nights were haunted by those brief and distant glances. Nothing he could do seemed to stop the dreams from coming to him. It was almost as if some strange force had decided to punish him for his own reticence.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to get up off the beach the instant he had seen the tall young blonde man, but he was too set in his ways. Well okay, if he was really honest it wasn’t that, it was simply that he was out of touch with how to do it. He hadn’t dated or talked really to any stranger for years. Sure he had met a few online but they were off in space for all he knew. This was different and yet in some ways the same.

Ever since Jason had died from complications due to AIDS back in the mid 80’s, he had rarely gone out to the bars or clubs. He had his circle of friends then more or less but even then he had never really been a social animal. Jason had been perhaps the one exception to the story of his life. Somehow, he had found himself meeting him, talking to him when normally he would only converse with those he knew. It had been too swift, too quick and yet there were the memories.

He could still see the way Jason’s eyes would light up when something good had happened, or how his face would pucker up when he was upset. Nothing could erase those memories or the way he felt each time they had held hands and just simply strolled down the Castro. Nothing could take that away and yet even now, as he walked softly into the kitchen to see what was in the fridge, he could feel Jason’s breathe on his cheek, the warmth of his hand in his own and he shivered a bit. Did he believe in ghosts or was it simply his advancing years that had made him so introspective lately?

Paul felt a small tremble in his legs as he stared at the open fridge, wondering if he’d heat up the chicken thigh or not and yet while his mind pondered the choices, he felt the tugging of his heart. It was almost as if he was witnessing a battle of wills between two adamant forces. His mind was desperate to focus on the mundane, the normal while his heart was equally determined to not let that happen. It felt really like part of him that had been dormant for years was suddenly pushing to get out.

Damn ‘him’ whoever he was, he thought as he slammed the fridge door. If he hadn’t seen him, if he hadn’t kept staring none of this would be happening to him. His heart would be quiet and he could continue in his quest for simple peace. Now he was feeling tormented by the tall stranger’s face, his longish dirty blonde hair that dangled near his broad shoulders. It wasn’t that this stranger was some chiselled hunk but he was built with the right proportions. His head had a strange familiar shape to it, the nose just perfect and from what he had seen, the man had very thin lips that he wished he could touch.

Sitting down at his dining table, Paul stared out the window across to the park down below. There were two men walking across the open field holding hands and his heart began to ache. God he wished Jason was here, if only he hadn’t died, but then life was full of ‘what ifs’. If this hadn’t happened, if this had was something he hated doing and yet lately it seemed to be all he did. If he had only gotten up the nerve to stand up and meet that stranger, if only he had not gone to the beach that day, if only he hadn’t spent the last 20 years mourning his loss. God if only he could get past all this but there he went again, ‘if only’.

The summer and early fall had been bad enough with the constant dreams of that man, now it was intruding on his thoughts while awake as well. He had tried sleeping pills and still the dreams would come. Still he would see that tall figure slowly walking at the water’s edge. His head constantly turning not to look up at the people on the beach but at the water. Maybe it was that which had first made him notice him, but he wasn’t certain.

There was something about how he walked, his feet moving slowly but methodically along the sand. His legs were long and from the distance looked baby smooth. Only the darkness around the ankles where the water lapped did he see the darker colour which showed that the man had fine hair along his legs. That in itself had been more than enough to pique his interest but it didn’t stop there. The man wore the same coloured khaki shorts that ended just above the knees. The legs run upwards to a what appeared to be a full torso that wasn’t chiselled but it didn’t look flabby either.

He hadn’t been wearing a shirt then and come to think of it, Paul realized that he only saw him that way for the entire two weeks that he had been blessed, or was it cursed, with the image of the solitary man walking along the beach. He knew he was heading back into his dreams and it was only 6 at night but he just didn’t care. At least in the dreams he had the nerve to approach the man, at least in the dreams he spoke to him and found a man worth knowing. Maybe that was the problem because in reality he doubted if anyone like that would even give him the time of day, let alone spend hours talking about life, about work, about anything.

To be honest it was that certain knowledge that had held him glued to the beach instead of letting him jump up and race down to meet the man. If only he had done that but he hadn’t so why couldn’t he shake that man’s image from his memory? Why had it become so insistent that he felt like he was being consumed by it? Even driving to work or coming home he would find his eyes glancing at the cars passing him by to see if he could spot him. It was almost worse than a drug addiction he thought as he pulled the day’s newspaper open to stare at the headlines. Dinner once more forgotten as his mind continued to battle with the obsessive memories coming from deep within.

Even work no longer appealed to him and he had found his mind wandering during the lectures. All he could think about was this strange young looking man. He never even really had a good close up look of him, afraid maybe that he would notice and yet he knew inside that the man had. It was almost as if they had met but from a distance. No words were exchanged, not even a nod or glance but their eyes had met. It seemed that was enough to torment him ever since and Paul quickly grasped the edges of the newspaper. He was not going to let the pained look on the man’s face, the brooding glare of his eyes intrude any more. So he thought as he stared down at the day’s headlines, realizing just how much he was feeling on edge.

There was no specific issue or reason, just that for some time he felt not empty really, just more incomplete. It was like something was missing from him, a part of him had vanished and again the anger and sorrow came to him. Why had it had to happen to Jason? They had talked about life together, about sharing retirement and of even sharing more. Hell Paul had even broached the topic of adoption once or twice. The way Jason’s face had lit up at the idea was still something that warmed his heart. If only he had lived, maybe then Paul wouldn’t be feeling this alone, this empty?

His body sagged a little against the back of the chair as he flipped thru the day’s events. Another death in Iraq, another supposed threat and more corporate profits for friends of those in power. It never ended and yet even as he stared at the rhetoric about another court challenge to the recall petition he knew that none of it really interested him anymore. Constitutional issues no longer drew him, no longer fuelled his spirit or ignited his soul. It all was routine now, dull and beyond his interest.

Again the image of that man walking along the water’s edge, kicking listlessly at the sand tore into his heart. That made him cringe, made him ponder life now instead of the law, instead of the world around him. He felt the ache in his heart as he turned the pages towards the lottery results from last night’s big lottery. It was at 80 million and like most people he had been playing it for some time. It felt good to dream about winning it but he knew inside that would never be. He just wasn’t lucky enough or blessed, whichever way you wanted to look at it. Still, what he could do with that kind of money would certainly go a long way to easing some of his dissatisfaction.

His eyes finally focused on the list of numbers as he mouthed each one. They seemed so familiar but then they usually did until he actually took his ticket out to check. He had come close once, he had two numbers then but close didn’t count. His ticket was on the table and he leaned forward to grab it, seeing the notice that there had been one winning ticket according to the lottery agency. He hoped whoever the lucky bugger was that he would enjoy the money, only wished that he was him.

Taking the ticket he sat it next to the dark numbers on the paper, running his finger over each of his own numbers while his eyes followed back and forth, checking to see just how far off he was. Trouble this time though was that he was so befuddled, so obsessed with the guy from the summer that he was reading the same numbers. He shook his head to try and clear the fog so he could really see how many numbers he was off.

His heart began to tremble a little as he bent down closer, his mind refusing to accept the verdict from his eyes. The first number matched, then the second number, then the third, and on it went. He leaned back in the chair wiping his eyes, blinking several times as if he might have something in them that made him misread the numbers. Quickly he pulled his glasses out, the reading specs, and once more he slowly began to check the numbers. Yes, the first one was the same, so was the second and third and fourth and now his heart began to pound in his chest. It was impossible but no matter what he did, the numbers on his ticket matched those listed on the paper.

Surely it had to be wrong. Maybe the paper had made a mistake but then he knew that couldn’t be. The paper may get a lot of things wrong, like who said what or exactly what happened where, but they never got the lottery numbers wrong or missed the comics. It was like those two areas were sacred or something. Still he couldn’t have the winning numbers, it wasn’t his luck but there it was. The numbers on his ticket were the same as those in the paper.

Two things struck him. One was that it couldn’t be true, that those weren’t the real numbers. Second was that he could now perhaps find out who that guy was that had captured his imagination and had lain siege to his thoughts. Funny how in one instant he didn’t think it could happen and in the other split second was already spending the money on a hopeless quest. He had to be losing it as he took the ticket and headed to his computer. There was one sure way to know if the numbers were right, he’d check the numbers at the lottery agency website.

Mere minutes later he was sitting back in the chair. His heart was no longer echoing in his ears and he could feel the sweat cooling as it slowly dried. His screen just stared at him, the list of numbers still burning brightly before him as he sat there. His ticket had those numbers, not one or two but every blessed one of them. He was that lucky son of a bitch and yet his mind still found it impossible to accept.

Everything he had always wanted, dreamed of having now was there in front of him. He could have it all now without any worry. Even if he took the payout and after taxes he’d be left with at least 35 million dollars. More than enough for him and for all he wanted. Yet even as he thought about all the nice new toys he could have, that damn image of ‘him’ floated around it all. More than that he could see the face almost as if he was at the beach. He could see the pain etched in the face, the way the mouth was drawn tightly together, the way the eyes brimmed with grief of some kind. He had thought that maybe he had lost a lover, or someone but then he knew in his heart it was something else. Now here he was, on the very precipice of a new life and all he could think about was this guy. Wondering how he could find him and worse, knowing that now he might stand a chance of him actually being interested. Thirty Five million or so would make anyone seem attractive and he hated himself for thinking that way.

Just like it had been all month long, his mind quickly switched from ‘him’ to Jason. The one real fight that they had ever had had been about just that very thought. Jason had gotten quite indignant actually when it had come up. He just didn’t understand how Paul could think of himself that way and yet he did. Maybe it was from not being outgoing as a kid or always being the ‘brain’ in school. Whatever it was he never really believed that he could attract anyone on his looks, personality, or intelligence. It would drive Jason mad and yet Paul just couldn’t accept it. He just didn’t believe it, and even now, so long afterwards he still wondered what it was that Jason had seen in him.

Now here he was, a winner of a huge sum of money and all he could think of was that maybe now he stood a chance with some guy he had never spoken to, never gotten within ten feet of? Maybe now he stood a chance of finding him? He had to be going crazy or maybe it was just that he was reaching that age when life ahead seemed so short. Whatever it was he knew that he was going to be in for some changes which held him firmly in the chair. Change was not something Paul relished, good or bad didn’t matter, he just didn’t like change.

After over an hour of staring at the numbers on the screen he finally summoned the courage to reach out and turn the machine off. He looked down at the ticket and quickly put his name on the back so no one else could cash it. It was his and he still couldn’t quite believe that maybe at last, things were going in a good direction. Paul rolled the chair back and stood up, feeling wobbly at the knees but slowly he kept to his feet. His heart ached and his mind was still in shock actually as he stared around the room. It was his home but it was now just a room, just an apartment. He knew he wouldn’t have to compromise now, that he could have the home of his dreams but he also knew that before he did anything he would have to get some safety precautions in place.

By his side of the bed stood the two silver framed photographs. The one of his parents made him smile as he looked down at it. He felt a small twinge of regret that they weren’t alive to help enjoy this windfall but they had had a good life. At least they were together now and it was then that his eyes moved to the other photograph. There was Jason’s face staring out at him. His eyes were a smouldering blue colour that the picture had captured and he had that thin curl to his lips, the almost laughing look.

Why did you have to die?

Paul’s eyes misted as his voice echoed in the empty bedroom and his thoughts turned to what if, to if only Jason had lived. How much more this windfall would mean something if only, but it hadn’t happened then, it happened now. He wiped the tears from his face and moved towards the phone. There was a lot he needed to set in motion and the first step was to get a hold of Tommy and then a lawyer. After that, well perhaps a nice long trip would be in order, a chance for him to escape the carnival atmosphere that would evolve once his circle found out about his winnings. God he could see it all now, see how Mark would be constantly hanging around, how some of the others would suddenly be phoning him every night, wanting something or other. No, a trip would at least minimize that headache.

He sat on the edge of the bed, the picture of Jason in his hands as he tried to think, tried to accept that his life had just taken a major shift. There was fear, panic even that was trying to grab his attention and yet the only power that was attracting his attention was the fear that even with all this new found wealth, he might not be able to once more see ‘him’. His head ached but so did his heart as he sat there, the image of one lost love clutched tightly in one hand, the image of another dancing in his head.

What perhaps was bizarre was that Jason didn’t look anything like him. Jason had been short and lithe in body. He on the other hand seemed taller, more well built in body structure and there was no mistaking the solid torso or long legs either. Jason had a rather shortness to his look, not that he really was all that short, but he had short cut hair, thin eyebrows, and short wiry hairs where it all matted together. Strange, he had felt such devotion and love with Jason and now he could only think of this stranger.

At first his mind had rebelled, trying to guilt him into pushing him aside but it hadn’t worked. In his heart he knew that Jason would approve of him moving on, would encourage it if he could even. That notion suddenly made him start and he sucked in his breath a little as he realized that maybe in some strange way Jason had. The ticket was once more pulled out and he stared down at the numbers. There was his birth date, Jason’s, and the date they had met. They had formed the core, and it had been the first time he had elected to play those sets of numbers. Normally he simply took a quick pick but when buying the ticket, something had made him alter his routine of the last ten years. Something had given him the urge to simply choose a set of numbers and there they were, staring at him as if maybe they really were trying to tell him something. The final number had been Jason’s age when he had passed away. It all fit but while his mind said it was merely random chance, deep in his heart he wondered if that was true? Could it be a sign?

Strange really how suddenly everything around him seemed so different. It was almost like he was now looking from outside at his life and what had once meant something no longer seemed to look all that important. Other things that hadn’t really meant or seemed important now appeared to take on a whole new meaning for him. The bed would go to his new place, new mattress perhaps but the frame would stay. Jason had helped him pick it out and his hand ran over the brass tubing of the headboard. As it did he could remember the bright afternoons that they had spent shopping for it and as the memories came to him, he realized that most of those days weren’t really sunny but to him they were. It was confusing and then not as he realized that just being with Jason had given him a whole different outlook on life.

It had been an outlook that had lasted longer than Jason’s own life had perhaps. Maybe that was his trouble? Maybe those memories were fading or perhaps it was simply that he hadn’t found any new ones to add to the collection? Could that be why his heart latched onto him so quickly and so fervently? Was it a desire to simply stop the day to day existence and to once more go out and experience life? Could it be that all this was some plan or some cosmic inspiration designed to get him off his ass and out living again?

Right at this second in time he suddenly wished he hadn’t taken Philosophy or been so engrossed in it. Maybe if he simply went with the flow more life would have been different since Jason had passed away, or would it have been? Even as a teenager he had never really been an extrovert, more of a loner who enjoyed reading, loved listening to music but he also enjoyed sitting out and watching a sunset or sunrise. The last time he had done that had been days before Jason had passed on. They had moved the bed to the window and had lain there together, holding hands just enjoying that beautiful sunrise over the city.

It was so amazing really. Here he was decades later and he could still feel the sun’s rays warming his face as they lay there, still feel the awe of watching the golden beams reflecting off roof tops that were now long replaced by newer and taller ones. Strange how the heart could hold all that and yet he had barely ever glanced at the skyline since. Yet in his heart he could see it all as if it was just this morning. Jason had made him do things he had never really done since entering college.

They had taken walks along the various parks, holding hands when they could, watching to see who was approaching or looking before stealing a kiss here and there. Now of course it was common in most areas of the city but still you could see how some would look first, wondering if it was safe. Jason had done that, and then near the end he had stopped doing it. He would just reach out and kiss Paul on the cheek no matter who was around. He had known then that his time was limited but he refused to live the secret life.

It had been hard for Paul to see Jason push himself as he went to meetings, went to fund raisers and rallies. Jason had become an activist in his last years and he dragged Paul with him. All that was gone now, and yet in his heart Paul wished he hadn’t let that part of his life lapse. The fire that it put in Jason’s eyes had been worth the effort, had been worth the fear and trepidation. It was almost as if Jason was reborn for those last months and yet when he had died, all of that had gone too. Paul sat there wondering if perhaps he had failed Jason by not keeping up with the protests, with the rallies, with the activism. Still, it wasn’t him or was it? His love for the constitution and politics would say otherwise but that too seemed gone now.

A deep sigh escaped his lips as he carefully put Jason’s picture back on his night table. He lightly pressed a finger to his lips and then to Jason’s face. Whatever else had gone on around them he knew that he had loved Jason and he knew too that Jason had loved him. Could he ever have that again he thought? Perhaps, and for what it was worth, his heart seemed to think so just as Jason had as well.

Well Jason, I sure as hell hope you were right.

Paul reached out for the phone to call Tommy. It was time he started to get things organized and he knew his long time friend and accountant would have to be the starting point. A new life lay before him which terrified him but maybe it was time that he stopped being safe. The voice on the other end of the phone brought his mind away from the smiling face in the photograph and back to the present.

Tommy, Paul here. I think I need to have you come over if you can, uh, yes now please. I know, it is late but well, you’ll understand when you get here. No, no, I am fine, more than fine, but I’ll explain when you get here.

He put the phone down and then went to the computer where he pulled up the directory for San Francisco. He quickly moved to the listing for detective agencies and began to jot down a few numbers as he waited for Tommy. Life was never going to be the same for him as he smiled a little to himself, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach and the whining of his mind. At least he would try to find him.

Gaystoryman Fiction has a NEW two part story online.

Now, there will be a third part, maybe even a fourth part, but I think you will enjoy the first two parts.

This is a story about a College Freshman, who just wants to jerk off, without being interrupted by all those straight dorm rats, even though they love to parade around in their undies. It is enough to drive a good queer boy nuts, which is why Terry heads off to the woods, for some good old fashioned jacking off fun.

Naturally, he gets a bit of a surprise, but hey, not like I am gonna ruin the story for you by telling all of what happens. You just have to read it for yourself. After all It Is Free!

Read Caught Here.

Okay, this is the problem when you write posts and are under the weather, you write about something you have already posted. Oh well, to make up for it, how about I let you in on Uncle Dan?

Another two part story but over at Gaystoryman Fiction.

It is about an ice cream vendor, you know the kind who ride around in their trucks, ringing their bell for all to come running out.

I think this story will entertain you a little, and hey, it is Free.

Read Uncle Dan Here

Erotic Ramblings has a new two part story available for reading online.

The story is called ‘Cast Adrift‘ which you can read for free.

This is a college hazing story, with a bit of a twist, but then, that is what makes these stories such fun, because they don’t always end up as you would expect. Least I sure hope not.

Read CAST ADRIFT HERE