The Locker – Chapter 12 (Conclusion)

Chapter 12

Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota

He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?

In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?

Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?

Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though Montana had tried to keep him out of it that just couldn’t happen. There was always someone to snicker, to call him down for being Montana’s brother and it was that which defeated his brother more than any disease could. It was that constant goading, name calling that made him weak and tired which is why the disease took hold so fast.

He knew in his heart that Montana welcomed death, that at least in death he would have peace and wrongly he also thought it would bring peace to his family. God if he only knew how much it hadn’t brought any peace. If only he could have known maybe he would have fought more, tried a bit harder to stick around. Dakota’s anger and pain grew as he sat there, seeing the light beginning to shred the dark shroud that had covered his world. How he hated the sunrise and yet his brother loved it, telling him how beautiful it was to see. Dakota hated it because it meant another day was beginning, another day in which the morons would taunt and laugh at him and at his brother. Another day of having to get through teachers who would let the jokes about gays go at best, at worst they would join in the laughter. How could he enjoy that signal of a new day when all it meant was more pain?

To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.

Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even Montana had seemed disappointed by his actions but it had saved his ass. There was no denying that and yet it didn’t give him any comfort. Sitting here now he felt like all it had done was make his whole life a lie, a sham even. Maybe that was what his father had seen when he had broken it off with Noah? Could he have known about the girls and how he had deceived everyone at school? Could he have known how he had been secretly pleased by Montana insisting he stay out of the hassles? Was that what had his father looking so disappointed in him?

Why did you have to leave me? Why?

He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having Montana nearby to answer him but he also felt a new hole inside, the place where Noah had touched. His whole body shook as he cried for what he could have had and for what he had lost. He couldn’t understand why things were this way but he knew that he hurt, that the pain inside was too much for him. For a second or two he wished he could be with Montana now, wish that he were next to his brother by that tree instead of here.

You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have

He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to Montana. He had struck out at them hard, acting like it was a slur that they thought he might be like his older brother. He had done the best acting job and yet why did he always feel so dirty afterwards? Why hadn’t it seemed like a big joke, the gay kid fooling the straight boys?

It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?

Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?

Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?

His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.

No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that Montana had known it too. His eyes were blurry as he stared upwards.

Was that why Montana? Did you know I would cave? Is that why you insisted I act like I was straight ‘cause you knew I was afraid?

Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure Montana had fought it and where had it gotten him? How many times had he come home all battered and bruised? Sure he had shaken it all off, calling them jerks or puffing his chest out and saying that they should see the other guys. It always was guys too, never guy because it never was only one but a pack. How many times had he turned the corner to see three or four guys standing around waiting and how many times had he turned and walked the other way?

The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what Montana had wanted, but had he? Was he really just doing what Montana said or was he using that as an excuse for not doing what he knew he should have? Was he doing what his dad said, using an excuse to make it all seem right when deep down he knew differently?

The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.

His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.

There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see Montana again or not.

The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?

Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny, Montana had told him that the morning was the best because it meant a whole new chance at changing things but he never saw it that way. To him it was just another reminder of what lay ahead and the fears and pain that it would bring to him and his family. No the morning wasn’t beautiful or comforting to him and yet standing there, he couldn’t help but admire its strange beauty. Something about the morning had made Montana happy but what was it? Was it the golden rays piercing the darkness or was it something else?

What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me Montana, please, tell me

Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?

He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that Montana saw that gave him such hope? What was it that let him get up each morning and go to school and face those assholes? His body shuddered as the sobs came from deep within his body. The pain of losing his brother grew harder to accept as he felt himself coming closer to the edge, felt his body leaning forward a bit more towards that point of no return when the wind picked up from behind him. He could feel it pushing against his back and somehow he fought it, holding himself that brief distance from the edge.

The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First Montana and now Noah too, what else was there left to be taken from him? He had nothing else left but himself and maybe that was just it, maybe it was time that too was gone so at least the pain could end?

Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday. Montana had already been taken from him already and that loss would never get easier to accept. His father was already disappointed in him and already feeling one loss, staying only adding to his pain and his mother’s pain. As for his sister, she had to struggle to keep their secret from everyone and in his heart he knew how much it worried her. She would give anything not to spill it but he knew that it was beyond her abilities to control. Eventually it would come out and then she would feel responsible. There was no solution for any of it, all he could see was more pain, and more emptiness as he began to let the wind move him along.

It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in Hollywood or in some storybook. It would have been nice to be Noah’s white knight and come to his rescue and save him but that just didn’t happen in real life. He wished he could have what he had always wanted, wished he could walk down the street holding hands with Noah. Strange, he had always had that dream but never had a face to put with it. All the guys he had known never quite fit the bill and yet the instant he had seen Noah his face filled the blank one of his dreams. How could just one look touch him so much and give him such warmth that not even the sun could equal it?

His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.

There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.

He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.

The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?

Monday – 8:10 a.m. – Noah

Despite the puffiness around his eyes he didn’t mind the sun’s glare as he scanned the parking lot. He still wasn’t sure what he would say or how to act when they met but he couldn’t just let it go. He had wanted to so many times last night and yet each time when he had made up his mind to just ignore Dakota he got that feeling inside that wouldn’t let go.

His dad was driving him and hadn’t even objected when he had asked him to drive slowly one more time around the lot. Strange how silent his dad had been all the time driving here and even now. It was kind of freaky if he wasn’t so intent on finding Dakota’s car. The whole weekend had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of strange emotions and happenings. Noah still wasn’t exactly certain what had happened yesterday, and a night of fitful sleep didn’t exactly give him a clear head to try and figure it out but somehow he knew there was more to it than what Dakota had said. Hell even his own father had said so on the way home from the cemetery and a lot more too.

Christ it was strange listening to how his dad had told his mom about Dakota suddenly dumping him. It was almost as if his dad was outraged that Dakota couldn’t see what a catch he was. Man if he didn’t hurt so much inside he would have burst out laughing at the way his dad spoke about Dakota. Even his mother sort of smiled at his tirade about Dakota even though you could see her relief as well.

Nothing made sense to him and even now, making his dad drive around to see if Dakota’s car was here was just as nuts as everything else seemed to have been. Deep down in his heart he knew that Dakota didn’t think of him as some trophy fuck or whatever it was called. He knew in his heart that they had something special together and if he could just figure out what had happened, maybe he could find a way to fix it. He just couldn’t let it go like everyone told him too, or seemed to want him to do.

It was kind of weird listening to his mom telling him he’d get over it, that obviously Dakota wasn’t the type for him or how she had commented that he just didn’t know a good catch when he had one. Man it was weird how parents could flip flop so quickly. Sort of gave him a headache from the spinning it caused. One minute they were yanking him away from Dakota and all that meant and the next they were calling him down for doing what they had wanted in the first place. Geez it was confusing but then as he turned to look at his father, he realized that maybe they had just been scared by him being gay cause they hadn’t a clue what it was.

“I guess you can let me off here”

He could see the hungry look in his son’s face. It was weird to see how desperate he looked as he scanned the parking lot and walks. Hell even he was doing it too and yet part of him was glad that they hadn’t found the car. It was still a mystery to him as to what had happened and he wondered if it was his fault? After all if he hadn’t gone there in a temper things might be a lot different for his son now.

“You sure? I can go around again?”

“No it’s okay, besides it might uh, you know”

“Make them ask questions?”

“yeah”

“Okay, uh, you okay son?”

Funny how worried his dad seemed about him and yet even as they had driven around the lot he kind of thought his dad was happy they didn’t find Dakota’s car parked anywhere. He had to admit in some ways he was happy to and also worried. God if this was love he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. To feel the anger he had at Dakota had scared him but not as much as thinking that he would never be able to touch Dakota again. It all had an eerie feel to it, like there was something missing but he wasn’t certain what. All he knew was that since about shortly after 5 this morning he knew in his heart that he needed to see Dakota again, no matter what. He didn’t care if everyone in school knew he was gay; just as long as he could talk to Dakota again or at least see him.

“I guess, not sure really”

“You still believe you and he are meant for each other, don’t you?”

“Huh? How… yeah I do, dumb huh?”

“I don’t know, guess it depends on why you feel that way”

“I wish I knew why, might help me figure it all out”

The whole idea that his son was having sex had frightened the hell out of him and his wife. Still it was strange to think that when he was Noah’s age it was all he could think about too. Things hadn’t really changed in some areas but in others it had. There was no way he even knew about gay back when he was 16 or what kind of sex that was, but maybe it was simply not discussed then like it was now? Still, the idea that his son was actually engaged in it brought up a lot of worries.

Looking at Noah this morning he had seen the hang dog expression, that sort of look that said how sad he was feeling and desperate too. He just found it hard to still believe that it was over another boy but it was. There was no doubt about it but it still took him a bit to accept it. There were moments too when he felt if only it was over a girl then he’d know how to handle it, but over another guy made him feel more out in the cold than anything. How do you comfort your boy about maybe losing another boy? Was it like being dropped by a girl, which was something he had experience in, or was it different?

“It uh, I mean it isn’t because of the… well you know, because of the sex is it?”

Why did parents always think it was about sex? Christ he had other things on his mind other than Dakota’s dick or so he thought. Sure he had thought about that part earlier and even when fighting with his folks he had thought about the sex stuff. After all it had felt awesome to be a part of Dakota like that and yet it felt different than what he had expected. It wasn’t like earlier that day either, but whatever it was, it felt right and now look at how it had turned out? God he must be nuts to think that just cause he found a way to take it meant they would be together forever, but well, something made him feel that way. If it wasn’t the sex, what was it? Why did he feel this way if all it was about was sex?

“I suppose in some way it is, but no Dad, it isn’t cause he was good or great or anything like that really, it was, I don’t know, sort of how I felt when near him like that, sort of… I don’t know if I can explain it”

Nathan glanced at his son and saw the way the eyes were glazed. For a moment or two he could see that look that reminded him of his own wife at times. She would get a sort of far off look too and he knew that she was thinking of him or of a time they had shared together. That was the same look Noah had now and it struck him just how similar it really was. Being gay obviously had some differences but maybe that was simple mechanics, because if that look was any indication, love was the same for gay boys as it was for straight boys. He could remember feeling that way and still did feel that way when it came to his wife.

“I think I understand, it is kind of how I feel when with your mother”

“Really?”

“Yes, I just didn’t, I guess love is love huh?”

“I guess”

“Hurts like hell too doesn’t it?”

“Yes”

“You know maybe he isn’t going to come to school today, I mean maybe he is just too…”

Noah knew his father meant well but he really didn’t want a lecture on how this was maybe for the best or even how Dakota wasn’t the right one for him. All he knew as in his heart he still cared and loved Dakota. That was all that really mattered in the long run so he wished his dad would just let it go, give him some peace. He knew he was only trying to help but it wasn’t. He looked at his dad and spoke in a sort of exasperated voice, feeling tired as he tried to once more explain how he was feeling.

“Dad please, right now I still think I love him, for whatever that is worth, I don’t want to…”

“Give me a chance son, okay?”

He knew his father was only trying to help but he just didn’t understand. Noah knew he needed to see Dakota if for nothing else than to see if what he had said yesterday was really how he felt. Maybe he was just confused or maybe there was something else going on that Dakota didn’t want to tell him? All sorts of things were running through his mind and his father’s advice just wasn’t helping. He didn’t have a clue as to what it could be, or how things were different if you were gay. Christ this whole thing could about Dakota worrying about AIDS or something, how would his father be able to help him with that?

“I am trying dad, just that…”

“I know, you are confused and worried and angry all at the same time, but listen to me, okay?”

“I’ll try”

“Good, what I was going to say is that maybe he’s just scared, or maybe, just maybe he’s afraid he can’t go through all that could happen, he did already lose a brother you know, maybe he’s just afraid he’s gonna lose you too”

“Hell of a way to show that”

“Yes it is, but life can beat you down if you let it”

Funny he had this image of Dakota and yet maybe his dad was right? He had no idea what it must have been like to lose a brother or to go through the shit that must have happened in school. Something about that made him squirm a little because Dakota seemed to know a lot about that and yet, he couldn’t remember seeing any marks or such on him. How did he keep out of it or did he? Could his father be right that he was just worn out from what went on?

Nothing really made much sense to him. Shit Dakota had come to him that first night, how could he suddenly change right after they had sex? Could it be that he really was that bad or maybe he had done something wrong? Noah had tried to figure that out, hell he even had written a note about it to leave in the locker, hoping that maybe it might get Dakota to at least discuss it with him. He just wished he knew the answers was all, that was maybe the worst part of all this, the not knowing.

“I just don’t get it, he comes across so tough, so together, how can he be afraid of what they’ll say?”

“I doubt if it is that simple Noah, I know how much it frightens me, and I am a lot older than you or him, plus, think about how much he must have gone through with his brother coming out? That had to be tough for him”

“I suppose”

“You know it had to be, maybe he is just tired of fighting Noah, did you ever think about that?”

“But who says he has to dad? I mean it isn’t like I am planning to announce how I feel about him on the PA…”

Nate could see the deep worry written all over his son’s face, which made him quiver a little. He could only guess at what his son must be wondering but in some ways Noah might be mature for his age but in other ways he was still just a boy. People had a nasty habit of finding out your secrets and if it was something like this, well he could only imagine how rough it could get. His primary concern was Noah and yet he found himself worrying about Dakota as if somehow he was part of their own family.

God how things could change overnight. Saturday all he could think about was how much he would like to throttle that Dakota and now here he was worrying about him just about as much as he was about his own boy. Strange how a parents instincts could just take over.

“Maybe it isn’t you he’s worried about”

“Huh? Well who then?”

In a lot of ways this whole gay thing was no different than for people like himself. He could see the similarities in the pain of a relationship and youthful desires being no different than when he was growing up. The real difference he realized wasn’t that it was about two guys but that it was how other’s looked at it. In many ways it was no different than how the world used to view mixed race relationships. He had seen the clips back then when many whites were so outraged at a man or women dating a person of colour that in some instances they would take the person to the bushes and whip them to death or just plain hang them. He shuddered as he realized just how this was the same thing, isn’t that what happened to some poor kid out in Wyoming?

Looking at his son he began to see him and Dakota in a totally different way. His heart shuddered a few times as the realization of what might happen wasn’t some fantastic improbability but was very real. He grew frightened for his son and realized that perhaps Dakota had realized all this as well. To think that some 16 year old had to consider whether to be in love and risk death was something he just couldn’t fathom himself having to deal with. How could any 16-year-old make rational decisions with that kind of future looming at him? Was this the new kindler and gentler world that his President had spoken about?

“Maybe himself? Maybe he doesn’t think he can keep how he feels for you hidden? It is possible you know”

“But he is so strong, I mean he came… I mean he is the one who came after me, I was to chicken shit to even… well…”

“I know, uh, did you ever think that, well sometimes us guys, we act strong when really we are just petrified senseless, maybe he even didn’t realize how deep things would get so fast, it happens you know?”

“I guess, still, why did he have to say those things? I mean am I being a sap for believing what he said before or not believing him now?”

“Son I wish I knew, I don’t, only you and he know that answer”

“But how do I find out?”

“I guess you’ll have to ask him, won’t you?”

“I can see that now, I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I do then?”

“I think for starters Noah that maybe I should pick you up after school…”

The sudden change in his father’s voice startled him a bit. It was like his dad suddenly knew something and didn’t quite know how to tell him. Noah felt like he had to talk to Dakota but how? It wasn’t going to be easy around school and somehow he didn’t think Dakota would let him go with him after school, so what was he going to do? His dad was right, he did need to talk it out but how?

“Huh? Oh I can walk home, it’s okay…”

“No, I mean that you should maybe leave it for today, then after school I’ll drive you over to his place and you two can talk in private, I don’t uh, well I don’t think this is the kind of thing you should talk about around here, you never know who might hear you two”

“I didn’t think of that… you’d do that?”

“Yes”

Everything was moving so fast in a strange way. One minute he had a boyfriend who he loved and a family that wanted him to be straight not gay and the next minute he didn’t have a boyfriend but a family that was accepting him for being gay. It was like he was on a roller coaster or something and all he was getting out of it was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Noah felt confused by the sudden switch in his father, and yet he could tell that he meant it. He really did seem like he cared for how it all turned out between him and Dakota. It just didn’t seem to make sense to his mind but in his heart there was sort of weird warmth, like all this was how it was supposed to be.

“Why? I mean, the other night you didn’t even want me to see him anymore, I don’t get this turn around, it is just… I mean I like it this way compared to uh the other night, but…”

“I know, it confuses me too, I guess what it comes down to Noah is that you are my son, how can I not be here for you?”

“Do you think his dad had anything to do with this?”

“No, I didn’t get the impression but it is possible. I think if I can, I’ll try to talk to him too, maybe he and I can get to the bottom of all this”

“I don’t know what to say… I mean all the things I said to you the other night… I just… I mean now you…”

“Noah, you were angry, so was I, we both said things in the heat of the moment, bottom line is you made more sense than I did, so, well, let’s just chalk that one up to a learning experience for us both, okay?”

“Okay”

Nate could see the wheels turning inside his son’s head. The way his eyebrows arched upwards when he was thinking hard about something or the way his jaw would get a certain set to it. All of that he could see now and at the same time he felt a sense of pride in the boy. His own dad used to tell him how he would look at him at times and see a carbon copy of him at that age, but that was wrong. Noah may have some of his traits but he was all original. There was no copying there and it made him proud. It was like in seeing the determination in his son he could see that somehow he and his wife had done okay in raising him. They had instilled something that had value beyond the basics, but it still worried him.

Maybe the hardest part of the whole weekend hadn’t been finding out that his only son was gay or that his son’s love interest suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. The hardest part was finding out that in this most important part of his son’s life, he hadn’t felt safe enough to come to them. That had been the part that had hurt the most and also was what perhaps made him see Noah for who he really was.

“Look, I know this is confusing to you, but, well the thing is son, I don’t have a clue about this gay stuff but I know one thing, I never want to give you the idea that you can’t talk to me, if anything the other night has shown me and your mother that maybe we took that for granted, we won’t again, I promise you that. I can’t promise we’ll understand, but we will try and no matter what, at least we will listen, okay?”

“Okay… uh… dad?”

“Yes?”

Noah stared at his dad and he could feel the love there. He had felt bad about not telling them about how he was feeling before and maybe if he had, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand on the weekend but he never really knew how he stood with them. Sure they always told him how much they loved him but how do you know when that is true or not? Christ how many parents told their kids that and then when the kid did trust them to say something, the kid was tossed out on the street? How could he have known?

All he knew now for certain was that what he had always hoped he had with them, he knew he did now. They had yelled and screamed but then most parents usually do until they calm down. The lucky guys like him then get a chance, the unlucky one’s he guessed found other ways to survive. He wondered for a moment how Dakota’s folks had handled finding out about him and his brother but the fact that Dakota was still living there gave him his answer at last. Suddenly he just didn’t feel so hopeless; at least he knew he had a home to go to, no matter what.

“Thanks, uh, I get out at 3…”

“I’ll be here”

“But work, I mean you are going to be late as it is and…”

“I took the day off”

“Huh? Why?”

“I think because, well, I think it is more important that I be around today, is all, just in case”

“Thanks”

He watched his father pulling away from the curb and smiled a little. Even at 16 it felt kind of nice to know that your dad was still there if you needed him, which he hated to admit but he did he need him. As the car left his sight he began to feel alone and frightened for no reason. Each time someone would walk by him he would start to shiver a little, wondering if they knew his terrible secret or if they would guess it.

It was not really new to him, to feel this skittish and yet in some ways it was. Every person he passed would cause him to lower his head as if studying the floor and yet he kept stealing glances at them. His paranoia was eating at him as he struggled with the emotions that were boiling inside. He still didn’t believe Dakota and yet he wasn’t here, so maybe he was telling the truth? Yet even as he tried to let that thought take hold his heart kept fighting it. In some ways he thought he knew the answer, thinking that Dakota was worried for him but he was smart enough to know it was more than that, but what? That is what ate at him as he walked down the hallway distracted.

The collision wasn’t much, just a bump really and he looked up already saying sorry when he saw the red eyes and angry glare that came from them. Shit, just what he needed as he stared into Hector’s angry face. How could things get any worse he wondered as he mumbled his apology and tried to slink off but was roughly grabbed by the shoulders and turned around.

“Hey jerk you don’t get off that easy”

“I said I was sorry”

“Sorry don’t cut it shit face”

He had seen how others were stopping, many of them pointing at him and no one seemed upset by how Hector was talking to him. In some ways it was like they only wanted to see a show and in other ways it was that they were just glad it wasn’t them being picked on. No one moved in to help, which surprised him a little as he stood there, feeling helpless and very much alone. Inside he wished that Dakota was here and then it struck him, if this was how it was now what would it be like if they ever did find out about him and Dakota? He became even more scared as he tried to back away, to diffuse the situation.

“Look Hector, not today okay?”

“Oh? Listen to you, what’s the matter little boy, mommy forget to give her little baby a good bye kiss this morning?”

“Just leave me alone, okay? I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

“Want? Nothing baby boy, not from some mama’s boy like you”

Hector laughed and reached out to muss Noah’s hair. Noah flinched and pulled back and as he did he tripped a little, his hands letting go of the notebook in his hands and it fell to the floor scattering the papers all over, some of which landed by Hector’s feet. His eyes were brimming with tears as he wondered why some people had to pick on others to make themselves feel good. Hector was a jerk but everyone around was laughing and snickering, just like Dakota said it would be. He felt the pain of knowing that he wasn’t very brave, that he really didn’t want to fight and yet he knew it was coming to that.

“Oh the little baby dropped his book, what a shame, here let me help you pick it up”

“It’s okay, I can do it”

“Oh come on, I don’t want to make you go running home to mommy cause I wasn’t a gentleman, now how would that look? Hmmm?”

“I said it’s okay”

“What’s the matter baby boy? Something you don’t want to share with your friends, we are your friends aren’t we?”

“Yeah sure, whatever”

“Now is that nice? I ask you, I think baby boy is lacking in manners, didn’t your mommy teach you manners?”

“Lay off Hector, you have had your fun”

“Fun? Are you saying I made you drop all those papers? How rude, and here I am simply trying to be a good conservationist, keeping my school clean and tidy”

Hector bent down and picked up a handful of papers and stared at Noah, seeing the fear in his eyes, which only made him grin more. He was about to crumple the papers up in a ball to throw into the wastebasket when something caught his eye and he stared at the writing on the paper. His eyes narrowed as he read the first few lines and then glared at Noah. His nostrils flared as he reached out suddenly and pushed Noah backwards, sending him into a group of other students.

“Well well, no wonder baby boy didn’t want any help. Hey everyone listen to this, it is to someone baby boy must think is pretty special, oh listen to this…

I don’t know what I did wrong that got you mad at me, I am sorry if I wasn’t good enough or if I should have let you be the one on top, all I know is that it felt so right when you pushed into me..

Christ we got us a real sick faggot here. Hey Noah, or is that Nora maybe? You get laid by some dude huh? Man you faggots make me sick… doesn’t it piss the rest of you off? Having one of them here?”

He stood there in total fear as he heard his words being spoken aloud. It was a note he had tried writing to Dakota and he felt the pain in his heart as he heard the pathetic sounding words. Panic ripped at him as he tried to remember if he used Dakota’s name or not and all he could think about was to get the paper and run. He tried to snatch it out of Hector’s hand but was pushed back by the stronger boy. His heart was thundering as he found his voice.

“That’s private… leave it alone”

“No way, it was all over the floor faggot… tough shit, let’s see what else it says, maybe we’ll find out who this other faggot is or you gonna save me the trouble? Huh? How about it, you gonna tell me or maybe you need some manly persuasion?”

All he could think about was how Dakota had warned him and here it was, not even an hour into being at school and he had already slipped up. God if Dakota had been here it would have been worse and he thanked his stars that at least he had somehow managed to keep Dakota out of it. He reached once more for the paper, but was thwarted as Hector glared at him, tiny drops of spit starting to show around Hector’s lips.

“Fuck off Hector, leave me alone, I don’t…”

He didn’t see it coming but he felt it the instant that Hector’s fist connected with his face. The pain was blinding as was the strange lights that seemed to suddenly spring up in front of him. He could hear a strange animal howl echo in his ears as he staggered backwards, unsure exactly what had happened. He could feel the pain travelling up and down his spine as he hit the back of a locker, the lock digging hard into his back.

Noah’s hands were at his side when the second punch landed square into the middle of his stomach. He felt the air leave his lungs and his body lurch forward. There was something oozing from the side of his face but all he could think about was how much he hurt. The pain was intense inside and he could hear himself coughing as the third blow landed. He only saw a blur as he saw something big and pink come from what seemed like the ground. His eyes bulged out as he saw it coming towards him and he started to try and turn away and lift his face at the same time but the pain in his belly held him in check.

The blow landed off centre and he could feel his head snap to one side, following the force of the blow up and to the left. His head snapped back and struck the hard metal of a locker and he felt the double blow of pain reaching for him. His heart was racing with panic as he felt himself slumping to the floor. His legs had given in to the pain and he couldn’t even feel them as he slowly slid down the rough metal door to rest finally on the cold floor. His eyes were open but blank as the pain seemed to be everywhere inside of him. His head was throbbing from a thousand places it seemed and he could feel the tears falling down his cheek.

“Not so mouthy now are you faggot?”

He thought he heard the words but his mouth was too swollen for him to say anything as he stared up at the towering boy who now stood over him. He felt the pain inside growing as he tried to back away but there was no where for him to go. All he could see was the angry face peering down at him and he wished he had never come to school today, wished that he had never been born as he stared open mouthed at Hector. Off to one side he saw a familiar face and suddenly he thought that it would all be over now, that at least he would stop it. His head turned to stare fully at the other person who now moved in and stared at Hector then at him lying on the floor.

“Fuck Hector, you losing it?”

“No, shit read this Rusty, I was right all along, he’s a fucking faggot man”

“Come on, just cause he wore a dress…”

“Shit, read for yourself, it’s his, go on… read it dude then tell me I am losing it”

Rusty took the paper from Hector’s hand and looked down at Noah. There was something pathetic really about Hector and yet as he read the page his own blood grew hot. Christ was this for real? He stared at the words on the paper and then at Noah lying on the floor.

“Fuck, you really write this Noah?”

He didn’t know what to say. The look on Rusty’s face was cold looking and blank too. It scared him and even if he wanted to say something, the pain in his jaw and cheek wouldn’t let him. He just nodded even though that too caused him fresh jolts of pain that made him shake.

“Christ… man you are sick, all this time I been sticking up for you, man you are one fucked up idiot Noah… who is this guy? It isn’t that fruit you been hanging out with is it, that Marvin jerk?”

The look on Rusty’s face didn’t register with him. All he could think about was not letting them know it was Dakota. He could see that Hector would try something and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t let them know. He clenched his teeth feeling the taste of blood now as he struggled to be heard.

Somehow he found the strength to pull himself up so he leaned a little against the bottom of the locker. His body was shaking as he tried to speak and finally in a hoarse whisper was able to talk, desperate now to make Rusty understand and to make sure no one suspected it was Dakota. He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what as the pain raced up and down his shuddering body.

“No… no it isn’t… it isn’t anyone from here… Rusty please, I think my… please…”

Noah had reached out, his hand reaching out for Rusty’s leg. He tried to tug at the cuff but instead of getting help, he saw the foot pull back. The disappointment was only beginning to register when his eye noticed the foot returning, but it was coming back at him with a force. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he saw it come striking out at him and catch him square in the chest. He felt the runner strike him hard to one side of his chest, sending him reeling backwards to bang once more into the bottom of the metal locker. His head snapped back again, hitting the metal again as did his back.

“Don’t’ fucking touch me you dirt bag, Christ… I stood up for you, man what an idiot I was. Fucking faggot!”

His foot reared back once more and then he sent it forward again, this time catching the slumping Noah in the side. Everyone standing around heard the sudden whoosh of air escape Noah’s lips and the sound of a dull crump noise as Rusty’s foot made contact with the soft flesh of Noah’s side. Some where looking away while other’s had a strange glint in their eyes, enjoying the spectacle of one of their own being beaten up.

“I told you dude, didn’t I tell you?”

“Yeah Hector you did, shit, sorry man I should have known…”

“Well least we know now, hey momma’s boy, you getting my message?”

Noah stared at the two boys and all those who were standing around watching. He knew most of them and couldn’t believe the expressions on most of their faces. It was just like Dakota had said it would be like except for one thing. At least Dakota wasn’t here to see it; he doubted if he could handle seeing Dakota standing with all those others.

“I think he’s got the message loud and clear Hector”

“I don’t know, I think he might need a bit more education on that, perhaps…”

Rusty stared down at the battered boy and shook his head at Hector and reached out, wiping the tip of his sneaker on Noah’s leg, cleaning it of the blood that had spilt on it. He had to admit that it was pretty stupid of Noah to carry something like that paper on him but then fags weren’t exactly bright. After all, choosing to do guys when everyone knew it was just plain wrong wasn’t exactly something a smart person would do. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into Noah’s lap, taking Hector by the shoulder in a brotherly way.

“Cool it man, you made your point, besides, a teacher could come by anytime, I think its time to let your lesson sink in a bit”

“Yeah I suppose… fuck you are lucky baby boy, if this was outside… you say anything, I mean anything and this will just be a sample of what I’ll do to you, you got that baby boy?”

Noah couldn’t speak but he nodded up at the two boys. He could see the delight his agony seemed to give Hector, which he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was to see some of that same delight in Rusty’s face. He had thought Rusty was a friend, was someone who would understand if he ever did find out. Dakota had been right about that too it seemed. He wasn’t sure which hurt more, the pain from Hector’s blows or the kicks from Rusty? Maybe it was the pain he felt from seeing all of his so-called classmates standing around watching, none of them even daring to move and help him. God, no wonder Dakota had backed off, he had known how it would be.

He saw Rusty take Hector by the shoulder and head off down the hallways. He could see the way Hector was gesturing that he was showing Rusty how he had hit him that first blow and as he watched, he saw how others simply moved on, the show over for the moment. Noah laid there watching them all walk away, no one stopping to even glance down at him or to even see if he was alive. He couldn’t believe it really and the pain was growing as he tried to just breath. His legs were numb and he felt a hot burning sensation each time he took a breath.

Suddenly he saw two feet in front of him and he managed to look up. There was some guy he barely knew standing there looking down at him and he tried to talk, but the pain only made him moan.

“Move it faggot, you are blocking my locker”

He didn’t know what to do, the guy was glaring at him and he felt like he was once more going to get hit. Tears were rolling down his face as he tried to push himself aside from the locker when a pair of hands reached out and pulled him away from the new threat. He felt the pain lancing up his shoulder and down his back as the person pulled him a few feet Finally he let go of him and he turned his head to see who had come to his aid but the tears seemed to be too much for him. He could barely see and yet he tried to focus.

“Christ Noah, you okay? SHit that is a stupid question, uh, look, don’t… fuck, just uh hang on, I’ll go get a teacher, man you are bleeding something fierce, hang on Noah, okay?”

He recognized the voice and just nodded, feeling a little bit better at the sound of a friendly voice. He could hear himself wheezing and yet he couldn’t find the strength to talk as he saw Marvin running down the hallway towards the office. At least he had be spared this and he slumped over, the pain making him lose conscientiousness.

Monday – 12:50 p.m.

Marvin stared out at the crowded assembly and felt sick to his stomach. He had seen the way they had carried his friend out this morning to the nurse’s room and then later the ambulance that had come to take him. God what a crazy fucked up world he had thought and yet at the same time he secretly felt relieved that it hadn’t been him. Strange how he had felt such hatred and anger when he had found Noah about to be kicked again and yet how glad he also felt that he hadn’t been there.

Even now he wondered how it all would have gone down if he had been there. Would Hector have dragged him into it too or would he just do his usual pushing and taunting? Somehow he felt he’d be in the next stretcher if he had been there but then he felt guilty for not being there. Noah needed him and he hadn’t been around but then if he had, would he have helped? It bugged him even now wondering that as he watched how everyone acted so normal, like nothing had happened this morning.

The police had come and there had been a big assembly and not a single person had stood up and pointed at Hector or Rusty. Of course no one would point to Rusty, after all he was a God to them all, their leader in sports and in everything else. How could what he did be wrong if he was a God? Shit it made him sick to think about and yet here he was, sitting there looking on and worse, he hadn’t said a word either. The teacher he had grabbed had asked, the principle and even the Nurse but he simply shook his head saying he didn’t know. Fuck he was really no better than them or maybe worse because Noah was his friend. How could he do that to him, let the creeps who did it get away like that?

Everyone in school had talked about it, the way some of them described it only made it seem even more unreal to him. Some were laughing as they talked about how Noah fell to the floor or how he was begging Rusty to help him. Man couldn’t they see how wrong it was or was it just that they liked the blood and sport of it so long as it wasn’t them on the receiving end? Did any of them really care about anything that counted? How could they have stood around cheering or worse, saying nothing and doing nothing?

Sure the Principle had made a big speech about they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour, even promised that they would find out who had done it but in his heart Marvin knew they wouldn’t even try. Only way would be if Noah’s parents raised a big stink and somehow they didn’t seem the type. Hell they probably didn’t know until now but still, there was that note too. God how stupid could Noah be to have written that and have it with him? Didn’t he know by now you didn’t put anything like that in writing and you sure as hell didn’t have it at school where someone could find it. Christ he really must be in love or something to have written that, and he wondered who it could be?

There was no way he bought the story that it was some guy who didn’t go to the school and he searched the crowd of classmates to see who it might be. At first he might have suspected Rusty because Noah always seemed to go a bit wonky when Rusty was around. It was hero worship that he hated to see but then Rusty had taken the boots to Noah, so no it wasn’t him. So who could it be? Even as he tried to guess he couldn’t keep his mind on it. The way Hector and Rusty were being treated only infuriated him more but he knew there wasn’t shit that he could do. Sure he could rat them out but he had seen what Noah looked like after. There was no way he wanted to look like that and he wondered if maybe he could transfer out?

It just seemed so hard to even think about continuing here but would his parents let him? He doubted it, they weren’t exactly the type who understood. He could hear his father now, telling him he better stay put and get used to it or else change. Man what crap that was but as much as he wished he could change, he just couldn’t. How many times had he sat up at night alone praying for just that? He lost count a long time ago as he stared down at his plate, wondering if Noah would be okay and what would happen next. He knew that maybe for a day or two he was at least safe, but how long before they would target him? How long would it be before they realized that they could beat a fag up and get away it that it would be open season on him? He shivered a bit as he wondered how he would be, if he could ever handle getting beaten up like Noah had when he heard the sudden silence.

Marvin lifted his eyes up to stare at what had made everyone suddenly shut up and all he could see was how everyone had suddenly moved away from the table. That one spot reserved for the school heroes and as he stood up to get a better look he felt a strange exhilaration. There on the ground staring up at some tall dark haired guy was Rusty, blood seemed to be coming from his lip and off to the other side was Hector. He was all sprawled out several feet away from the table he had been sitting at and there was no doubt that he had taken one hell of a blow.

He moved in to see and hear what was going on as he stared at the back of the tall young dark boy. He seemed familiar but somehow he couldn’t place him as he stepped in closer, hearing the whispers as others were trying to figure out what it was all about. The boy looked lanky and as Marvin came closer he saw how he stood with his feet apart, waiting for the two downed heroes to get up, his head slowly moving to watch them both, his hands balled up into two huge fists at his side. Staring at his back Marvin could see the faded jeans with a small tear below one knee and the dull brown of boots under the cuff. He licked his lips as he saw the way the boy stood and he swivelled his head around to see how everyone else was standing in complete and utter shock. Someone next to him was whispering how this guy just walked up to the table and was greeted warmly by Rusty. He talked in soft tones as if totally surprised by how the guy just decked Rusty square in the face sending him sprawling backwards and then how before Rusty had hit the floor he had turned and yanked Hector up and sent him flying in the air across the floor.

Marvin moved in closer, wedging himself past several others. He was certain he knew who it was but all he could go by was the taut back that stood ramrod straight in front of him. He could see how the other’s weren’t sure what to do if anything and how many of them hung back a little, waiting to see which way this new battle would go. It was kind of eerie as he came closer to see the faded grass stains on the back of the jeans, the rather shoddy pants looking like they had been worn for a long time. The shirt was just a normal shirt, but it had obvious patches on it too and for a moment or two he thought about how hot the guy looked from the back. He shook his head as he came closer where now he could hear the huffing sound of the two boys on the floor. The tall lanky dark haired boy didn’t move, just stood there waiting for Rusty and Hector.

He glanced over to see that Hector was right out of it. There was blood oozing from his cheek and he looked all mangled, his legs at uneven angles and his one arm was pinned under him. Marvin felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing hat image and he wondered if maybe Hector might have broken a bone or two in his fall. It would be poetic justice but his attention moved towards Rusty who suddenly spoke up in a startled voice, showing fear even, which made everyone step back, even more.

“What the fuck… man…”

The tall dark just stared down at him, waiting for him to move and Rusty glared up at him, stunned and amazed. He turned his head to see Hector sprawled out on the floor, looking like he was dead or something and he could taste his own blood as he turned back to stare at the dark haired boy.

“Christ man, I thought we were friends, what the fuck is this about? Man you are so…”

“What Rusty? Dead?”

Rusty could see how everyone was watching. His whole reputation was at stake and he couldn’t figure out what had exactly happened here. All he knew was that he looked up was saying hello when POW, his lights went out and he was laying flat on his back on the floor. Now here he was, having to stare up at his assailant and the guy didn’t even look scared, which any normal person would be after hitting him. Christ he was top dog here, who did this nobody think he was? Still, the guy didn’t even flinch as he tried to cower him while getting his breath back.

“Fucking right dude, what is your fucking problem?”

“You are …Dude”

It was the way he said it that made him look at him again. There really was no fear in his face, which there should be. He glanced around at everyone standing by, wondering why no one had come to help him yet. He shook his head feeling confused and also feeling a bit frightened. Something wasn’t adding up here but Rusty couldn’t figure it out.

“Me? What the fuck did I do to you? Shit man…”

“Don’t like it huh? Well come on, maybe you can even the score, I ain’t running from you”

The voice was soft and even gentle sounding which only made Rusty hesitate more. He stared up at him, wondering what had set him off like this. There was a strange tone to the voice too, one that only made him feel the fear more. Everyone around was holding their breath, which only made it seem more menacing to his mind. He couldn’t figure it out as he stared up at the boy, wiping some of the blood from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he stared up but all he could see was the two fists that were at the boy’s side and they looked awfully large to him right now.

“Hey look man, I don’t know what got you all fired up, shit I didn’t do nothing to you, I got no reason to fight with you, what the fuck is this about?”

“You don’t know?”

“Fuck didn’t I just say that? NO I Don’t know”

“I don’t like you, isn’t that good enough reason?”

“Shit no it isn’t, Christ man, what the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Me personally? Nothing”

Rusty could see the way he was standing that the second he stood up he’d be flat on his back again. He didn’t stand a chance at a fair fight and he looked around, seeing how everyone had backed away, no one yet willing to come to his defence. Christ what was with those jerks? How could they just stand there and let some newcomer wail on him? They were supposed to be his friends, fuck what a bunch of losers he thought as he turned his face back to the tall dark towering over him.

“Then why man? Christ, look, whatever it is, we can talk it over, no need to get all violent is there?”

“Seems to be the thing to do around here, don’t like someone, kick the shit out of em, isn’t that how you run things here big shot?”

At first he didn’t understand and then as he stared up into the eyes, he knew what it was about. He felt a strange fear entering his body as he looked up into the very cold lifeless eyes that stared down at him. It was like looking at the face of death and he could feel himself shaking. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes becoming glazed with fear as he stared up.

“I don’t know what you… I mean…”

“Yeah you do, it is written all over your face Rusty, you know exactly what I mean”

“Shit man, if you mean about this morning, that was Hector man… I didn’t…”

“Didn’t do anything? I suppose kicking a guy after he’s already been beaten up counts as nothing huh?”

Rusty could hear them all whispering and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy in front of him. He had to stall for time but in doing so he could hear the disbelief in their voices. Christ he knew he couldn’t let him get away with this but the way he looked, it was like he wanted to kill him. For what he had no idea as he leaned back on his elbows, trying to look confident but knowing he was failing. Hell even his voice sounded scared as he tried to figure a way out, wondering why Hector wasn’t doing anything but afraid to look over at him.

“Look man, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have uh, kicked him, but fuck, he’s queer man, Hector and I, we did you a favour, you didn’t want to… Christ…”

“Making sense to you now super jock?”

“Fuck how was I supposed to know? I didn’t… I mean…”

“What Rusty? Didn’t know I was queer too? You gonna call me FAGGOT too?”

The whole room was deathly quiet as Dakota’s voice rang out. There was no screaming, no wild shouting, just a calm matter of fact voice that held something else in its tone. Rusty squinted a little as he tried to figure it out but all he could feel was the fear that was suddenly raging inside of him. He could feel the shock that everyone around was feeling too. He couldn’t understand, why weren’t they jumping Dakota? Why were they just standing there watching it all? Didn’t they care about him, hell he was their friend, their leader, surely they couldn’t just stand by while some queer tried to beat him up?

“Uh no, shit no…”

“Yeah right, why not Rusty? Not so easy to call people names when they aren’t already down on the ground all beaten up huh?”

“Look dude, uh, I got no quarrel with you, I uh, it was Hector man, he was the one who started it, Shit man, I helped stop him dude, ask anyone here, they’ll tell you…”

“Tell me what? That you only kicked Noah twice before worrying about a teacher coming by? I already heard all about how you stopped it Rusty, now… well now its payback time”

“Fuck man, I ain’t gonna fight you”

Dakota had taken a step forward when the piercing cry shattered the silence in the room. His head turned to see Hector trying to sit up but the pain held him back. Dakota’s eyes narrowed at him wondering for a second if he had done some real damage to him, forgetting about Rusty for the moment. The sound of his name being screamed out made him turn and he caught a brief glimpse of the figure coming at him from the floor. He tried to move out of the way but it was too late as he felt Rusty’s body crash into his, sending him falling backwards.

He hit the edge of the table on the small of his back and his own cries now mingled with Hector’s. Dakota felt a sudden dizziness come over him as his legs buckled and he began to fall to the ground. The blow caught him above the stomach and he felt the air in his lungs escape his lips as he reached out, wrapping his arms around Rusty’s body. Together they fell to the ground and he hung on for a second or two before wailing out with his own fists. He found the shoulder with his first shot and felt the sting as his hand struck Rusty’s collarbone.

The pain moved up his arm as he struggled and twisted with Rusty. Then he reached out and pushed Rusty backwards with his other arm, sending him off balance and in a shot was back on his feet, panting as he stared at Rusty who was also on his feet. He could see the wild look in his eyes but all that mattered to him was the image of Noah bleeding. He moved in and let Rusty swing first. He let the blow come past his arm to strike him a glancing blow but as Rusty’s outstretched hand moved past, Dakota leaned inwards and put all of his weight into his lowered hand. The fist moved hard and fast right up and into the exposed under pit of Rusty’s arm. He felt the blow as his fist dug into the soft flesh and he could see the pain register in Rusty’s face.

As his one fist struck hard upwards, he let his other hand strike just as hard into the soft underbelly. The sound of his fist hitting the soft flesh only drove him more as all he could see was Noah’s battered face. Rusty doubled over from the two blows and as his chin came down, Dakota brought his one good hand out and down. He felt the fire inside of him as he swung upwards, catching Rusty fully on the chin. The sound of bone striking bone echoed loudly in the room. It drowned out Hector’s cries even as it reverberated throughout the room. Rusty fell backwards, his body no longer able to stand.

Dakota could feel the blood dripping from his nose and lip as he moved in closer, the wild glaze in his eyes beaming down at the fallen figure. Everyone moved away, watching as Rusty stared up at Dakota, his hand suddenly flung up and over his face as he cried out his surrender, sobbing even as Dakota came closer. Everyone stared at the sudden fear that flared out from Rusty and they could all hear his pitiful voice giving in, almost pleading for Dakota to stop, to let it go.

He stood there staring down at Rusty, his chest heaving as he just stared. Rusty could feel the hatred that came from Dakota as he tried to back away, tried to move out of reach of Dakota’s feet and hands. He was crying as he tried to back away, to prevent what he knew was going to come. His voice was pleading for Dakota to stop when another louder voice silenced him. He heard the loud angry demanding voice and he felt relief, feeling at last like he had been saved as he saw two teachers and Principle Jensen running towards him and Hector.

“What is going on here? Mr Northwood? Explain yourself”

“Nothing, just a little disagreement is all”

“Nothing? Now see here, I warned all of you this morning, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my school”

“I am sorry, we uh, got carried away is all, right Rusty?”

“Uh yeah…”

“NO! It isn’t right, Mr Jensen, Dakota here was simply paying them back for beating up Noah Collins, and if no one else wants to tell you, I will.”

All eyes turned to the squeaky voice and Dakota stared at Marvin who now pushed forward and stood in a cleared area of the floor. He had tears running down his face as he spoke and Dakota could see the fear in his face and yet there was something more there too. He could see a sort of admiration or pride or something that made him feel a bit better.

“Are you telling me that these two, Now just a second here Mr. Hottinger, you are accusing two of our most popular students of…”

“He is right, I saw it, Hector started it but Rusty was the one who kicked Noah”

The principle turned towards the new voice that had interrupted him and he could see several others looking at the floor, some where even nodding and he glared down at Rusty Maartin and Hector. He had wondered a little how no one had seen or heard anything and now he knew why. Rusty was their leader and most popular boy in school, still it made him angry that no one had gotten past that until now. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation as another voice popped up saying pretty much the same thing. In some ways he felt a bit relieved, as he was certain that Noah’s father was going to sue him and the school for the attack earlier. At least whatever happened here would give him an opportunity to perhaps ease that problem. Now he had to decide what to do about Mr Northwood as well.

“All right, well break it up boys, Mr Northwood you get over to the Nurse’s office, I’ll see you after, Mr Hottinger you come with me to my office, you two boys also. Mr Maartin you and Mr Ramirez will go with Mr Young to his office.”

“I can’t move my arm, he broke it”

“Yes well, you two help him stand up and take him to Mr Young’s office, we’ll get an ambulance and the police I think.”

“I didn’t do anything… you can’t call the cops on me, Hottinger is just a fag… how can you…”

“Mr Ramirez you are in enough trouble, shut up”

Monday 4:43 p.m.

As they turned the corner to go down their street Nate saw the blue old car parked in front of their house. His heart was already beating too fast as he let his foot off the gas. He could see a lanky figure sitting on the front steps with its head bowed down and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just go down the street, acting like it wasn’t his house but he knew that Noah would be upset. His face turned to his wife who was leaning over the front seat checking for the umpteenth time on Noah who was propped up in the back. He could see her worry as he wheeled the car past the blue mustang and into his driveway.

Nate got out of the car quickly as his wife moved out the other side to help their son out of the car. He stared over at the dark haired boy who now stood up and came down the steps to stare back at him. For a second Nate felt a rage inside, wondering how dare Dakota show up here after all that had happened. He couldn’t help feeling angry at him, knowing in his heart it wasn’t just or fair but it was his boy that had been hurt. Where had Dakota been then he wondered as he stared at the boy who slowly moved down the walkway towards them.

Watching him come closer Nate’s heart suddenly felt heavy and sad. He couldn’t really blame him for this, thought he wanted to. It wasn’t Dakota who made those boys hate. Still if he had been there maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad or then again it could have been worse. He sighed as he heard his son’s whimper as he climbed out of the back seat and he turned to watch him. He felt so helpless really as he saw how much pain his boy was in, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to protect him beyond what he had already done. He felt a failure really and it wasn’t Dakota’s fault for that either, it was his as he turned back to see Dakota coming closer. This time he noticed the limp and also the bruises on the boy’s face.

“My God… are you okay? Who…”

“I am okay Sir, I uh, I got into a fight… uh. I…”

“DAKOTA!”

Noah’s voice sounded so strong and happy that Nathan forgot for a moment about how much pain his son had to be in. He turned towards the sound and saw the big smile on his face, a gap showing where one tooth had been knocked out. He also saw the bandage on his cheek that covered nineteen stitches and his joy suddenly left him. His heart only ached for all that had happened as he watched Dakota move forward towards Noah and his wife. His eyes stared at her for a moment and he could see the tears welling up there. He also saw her anger that was directed at the dark haired boy slowly moving towards their son. He shook his head and she looked at him and then at Noah. Her shoulders sagged a little as she moved to one side, letting Noah stand on his own. He watched as his son reached out for Dakota who ran a little to get close. He took Noah’s hand and placed it around his waist.

They stood there for a second or two, both of them afraid to really look at the other and yet as he felt Noah’s hand on his hip he knew he would have to eventually explain it all. Somehow though for now he just wanted to feel Noah next to him, to smell him and be near him. He wasn’t quite certain if it would last but this time he knew he wouldn’t run away.

The touch of Dakota’s hand felt like fire to him. He could feel the sudden heat rising in his body and even though it hurt he just didn’t care. Dakota was here which was all that mattered to him. He could see the pain and even sense it really as his hand rested lightly on Dakota’s hip. It felt so perfect that he just needed time to enjoy it, to let it him know it was real and not some dream induced by the pain he was feeling. Funny how much the ride home had hurt and yet now, how little it really seemed to bother him.

They took maybe two or three steps before Dakota stopped. He stood still and then slowly he reached down and touched Noah’s hand. He felt the cold of the skin and yet somehow he felt warm too. He shivered a little as he turned away from Noah’s parents and looked at Noah. His heart ached as he saw the long pale tan bandage across the one cheek, the white one on the corner of the bruised and cut lips. His eyes stared at the battered face and he lowered his own face, his one hand still holding Noah’s, his other wrapped in white plaster hanging limp at his side.

“Noah… I am sorry…”

“This wasn’t your fault Dakota…”

“Yeah in a way it is…”

“How’s that? You weren’t there, no way could you have stopped it without, well…”

He couldn’t explain it but his hand didn’t hurt so much nor did the pain in his chest seem so painful either. Just being near Noah seemed to ease the pain just like his dad said it would. There was no way he could ever explain how he was feeling right now, it just seemed so perfect and so right. Maybe Montana had been right after all, that love could make a person forget the pain. God he wished Montana could have met Noah, he would have liked him.

“I know, but I should have been there, Christ Noah you mean more to me than anything, and I let you down”

The voice was soft almost like a whisper and yet it rang loudly in his head. He felt the power of each word as it caressed his bruised body or so it seemed to him. There was so much he wanted to ask but for now all he wanted was to be next to Dakota, to listen to his heart beat next to his own. Whatever had happened before didn’t really matter now, all that mattered was that Dakota was here.

“No you didn’t Dakota, it isn’t your fault”

“It is actually, if I had been there, if I hadn’t pushed you away yesterday, shit this is all my fault”

“Why? Why did you, yesterday, I….”

He lifted his own face up and stared into Noah’s face. He could feel the love there and he took courage from it, trusting that somehow Noah would understand.

“I was scared”

“Of fighting? I thought you… I mean you didn’t seem like it bothered you”

“No, not that really… it was, well, I didn’t want anyone to know Noah, I was afraid that if they found out, well… I didn’t think I could handle it”

“Being gay?”

“Yeah, sort of that, well no, mostly that but not just that, it was like, well if it came out, it would be well… there would be no turning back. That’s more of what freaked me I think, knowing that I couldn’t keep it a secret forever and yet, well, kind of wanting to”

“I don’t… you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Don’t you? I mean honestly, right now, don’t you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Now? No, not now, maybe this morning I did, but not now”

He thought for sure Noah would have said yes. He looked into the soft eyes to see them sparkling at him, almost as if they were happy. For a minute the look reminded him of how Noah looked the instant that his body had joined with Noah’s. The eyes looked the same, had the same sheen to them as they did now. Could he really not care if he was gay or not?

“Why not?”

“Cause if I wasn’t gay now, you wouldn’t be here holding my hand”

“You mean that?”

“Uh huh”

“Even after the shit I said to you yesterday?”

“Yeah, I guess I always knew you didn’t mean it, still… it did hurt, but…”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t”

“I know Dakota”

“I wish I could take it all back”

“You have, we are okay, aren’t we?”

“If you still want me, yeah we are okay”

Noah didn’t bat an eyelash as he answered Dakota. His heart was finally happy again, just like it had been back at the tree house. It was as it should be and how could he not want Dakota? The pain of not having him was much worse than anything Hector or even Rusty could ever do to him. No, there wasn’t any doubt in his heart as he smiled when he nodded and spoke.

“I do”

“Why? I don’t…”

“I don’t know, can’t explain it really except when you are here, I feel good”

It was what he had hoped Noah would say, still hearing the words were almost like a shock to his system. His mind had told him so many times that no one could really love him, that no man could love another like him but now all those doubts, all those fears seemed to just fall away as he heard Noah’s voice telling him the truth. It was still hard for his mind to accept but in his heart he could feel the truth of the words.

“Even now?”

“Especially now, it doesn’t seem to hurt so much, why you?”

“Huh? Why me what?”

“Why did you change your mind?”

Looking at Noah, touching him and feeling him next to him only made him realize what he had finally come to understand standing at the edge of the platform of the tree house. Noah was somehow a part of him, just like his dad had said and like Montana had tried to tell him before. There was no reason behind it, whatever force had made him had also made Noah for him, and vice versa. They were meant to be and all it needed to happen was him having faith.

He knew he had almost lost Noah, maybe a lot more than that too as he remembered the wind blowing on his back and how it all looked so easy to just step off the ledge and be at peace. Now he had it all and despite the bruises and pain in his body he could still feel that touch of Noah’s shorts on the back of his legs, that simple touch of cloth against his flesh that had changed his life, that had restored his faith and given him hope.

Tears were in his eyes as he finally managed to put it into words, ones that he knew came from his heart and which he knew Noah would understand.

“Cause it hurt more to be without you than being gay hurt, because I suppose I realized that with you at least life meant something. Corny huh?”

“Kind of, but sweet”

“Think your parents will let us see each other still?”

“Depends”

“On what?”

“You gonna make an honest woman out of me?”

“SHIT!”

Noah smiled as he let his head rest into Dakota’s chest. He could feel the strong beat of his heart and he smiled to himself, enjoying the scent that came into his nostrils. It was like back at the tree house and he knew that what they had there was only a beginning. He couldn’t help but feel happy despite the pain in his body as he felt Dakota’s finger lift his chin up to look into his face. He saw the tears in Dakota’s eyes as Dakota’s head bent forward. The light touch of his lips on his mouth made him tremble with excitement as he felt the strong arms encircle him and hold him close.

They broke apart and slowly made their way up the sidewalk to the front door where Noah’s parents both stood. Noah stared at his mother who had tears in her eyes and then he glanced over at his father. He saw him staring at him, questioning him really and he smiled as he spoke.

“Mom, Dad, this is Dakota, he’s my boyfriend”

The Locker – Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Sunday 4 a.m. – Nathan

He stared out at the front yard, watching the shadows dance around the darkness moved from pitch black to a dull dark grey. It was strange to be standing here in his bathrobe looking out of the huge bay window knowing that his whole world had suddenly changed.

At first he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. Noah was so young and yet in the way he stood his ground, Nathan could tell that there was a growing maturity in the boy. The question for him was did he really know what he was saying or was it based on over active teenage hormones?

Worse though was the thought that if all that Noah had said was true, could he survive living in a homophobic world? Was he that strong or was he just talking tough? He wished he knew the answer to that because it would help him decide on what he should do. He just didn’t want to see Noah hurt and he doubted if Noah really understood that. All the talk about being gay was not pleasant, but he still knew in his heart that he loved Noah as a son, so he figured in time he would come to accept that part of him as well. It was just that he didn’t know if they would be allowed the time to adjust to it?

People could be cruel but kids were worse. He could foresee some of the comments his so called friends at work might say, and he could even see where it might lead to complications in him getting his own work accomplished. Still he also knew that it wouldn’t go much beyond words or looks. He didn’t expect his own life to be at risk, his own physical well being, from those at work or even from the neighbours. It was from the kids that worried him the most.

Christ he had seen the packs of kids walking down the mall, hanging out the various shops. If they chose to attack no one would stand much of a chance even if people wanted to intercede. It was a crazy mixed up world and Noah was putting himself and them right smack into the middle of that chaos. How could he let him see this boy knowing that it could lead to catastrophic consequences for them all?

On the other hand if he refused to let Noah see this Dakota boy, he risked losing his son in a totally different way. In short he was damned either way so what could he do? If he tried to keep him home he knew that eventually Noah would find a way to get out, after all he wasn’t a dumb kid. Then they would be at war with each other and worse, it would make home even more unbearable. He knew what a hostile home was like. Nate had vowed his would never be like that and yet now, here he was weighing that very possibility. Sure it was different in that he wasn’t a drunk but the results would be the same, no one would want to be in the same room, no one would want to talk or share things. It would become a tomb of silence or angry shouts with nothing in between. His heart knew he couldn’t handle that as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face. Nate’s eyes felt heavy as the clear drops blurred his vision and yet he fought for control, knowing he was going to lose either way.

Sunday 4 a.m. – Noah

Everything had seemed so perfect for him despite the nervousness he had felt all day while waiting to go to meet Dakota. Now it all lay in shambles around him and even holding the pair of worn shorts in his hand didn’t help ease the pain he felt inside.

How could his father be so unreasonable? He had always said he would understand, would listen but he hadn’t. Instead he had come like some mob to yank him away from the one person that made him feel whole, made him feel cared for in a way only a lover could. It wasn’t some stupid teenage obsession like his parents thought, it was real. He could feel that in his heart even if he couldn’t explain it. Damn he wished he had the words to try and make them listen but even if he did, would they listen?

Somehow he thought they might but then he saw his father’s face again, that angry hurt look and he knew he would never understand. There was no sense in trying as he stared out at the tree by his window, saw the branches bending in the breeze. How could he get through today if he couldn’t see Dakota? Hell, how could he get through any day without seeing him, without touching him or smelling him? The pain only grew as he realized that what he had enjoyed earlier might never happen again.

He turned from the darkened window to stare at his bed, to try and see what it would be like if only Dakota was there now, lying on that side with his long hair tossed all over the pillow. God if only he hadn’t slipped and let them know, if only he had managed to keep him and Dakota from them he wouldn’t have all this grief. Trouble was he still wasn’t sure how they did find out, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that no matter how much he screamed, how much he threatened, if they wanted to keep him home they could.

All of his wild fantasies about Dakota were shattered now. Even holding the faded shorts next to his chin and heart didn’t help him. All it did was remind him that what they had shared, that brief moment when he thought he could read Dakota’s innermost thoughts and Dakota his, were probably gone forever. He walked to his bed and slumped down on it, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed heavily into the pillow, wishing for a better world and hoping for an answer that he felt would never come.

Sunday 7:03 a.m.

The pale rays of the morning sun made him squint and squirm a little in his bed as he slowly let them open. His head ached from all the wild thoughts that had passed thru during the night. One second he had imagined himself hopping into his car and racing after Noah, forcing Noah’s parents car off the road so he could snatch his lover form their evil grasp, but that was his anger speaking. It was silly of him to think like that, to even assume that Noah’s parents were evil but as he had laid in bed all night, it was all he could think about.

It had helped to think about doing something stupid like that. Helped to think that Noah’s folks were evil even but deep down he knew he was just avoiding the truth. Dakota felt so alone and frightened that he had dreamed weird dreams, when he did sleep. For the most part he had spent the night looking out at the stars, wondering what it would be like to be a super hero, to have special powers that would make him do the right things and say the right words. Instead he was just a kid facing a major problem with no one to talk to. God had seen to that when he took Montana from him and now who could he talk to, Arizona? His mom? His dad?

He could feel the bitterness inside of him and he wondered why it was that everyone was so afraid of guys like him? What was it about being gay that made so many nice folk turn mean and nasty? Their own pastor had refused to officiate at the funeral even because Montana had never recanted being gay, his Dad didn’t even fight his decision even. Okay maybe his dad was in shock and yet here it was, over a year now or close to it and his own father had yet to go to Montana’s grave. How could he not go?

At least his mom and sister went every other week. They still cared for Montana even though he had been gay. He went every Sunday, just like he would today too even though he wished he could just stay home under the covers. How could they all go but his dad not once? Nothing really seemed to make sense to him because he knew that his father loved Montana, that at the end they had spoken a lot so why wouldn’t he go to the grave? Was he angry or scared? Was it that he was afraid someone would see him crying maybe?

He turned his head towards the clock and knew he had to get up. His hand reached down to feel the tight shorts he was wearing and once more he could smell Noah’s scent. His body ached all over for him as he kicked the sheet off. His jaw grew hard as he tried to tell himself that Noah would be back and yet in his heart he found that didn’t give him any comfort. His anger grew but not at Noah’s parents or even his own father but at himself.

It was what really had kept him tossing and turning all night and he hated to admit it, but part of him was kind of glad that Noah’s parents had taken him away. The whole idea of being boyfriends scared him, not because of the commitment. In his heart he knew that he only wanted to be with Noah, that no other person could ever make him feel so wanted, so needed as Noah made him feel. It was something else that troubled him, which he didn’t want to think about but which he couldn’t run from.

He was scared, plain and simple. Not of living forever with just Noah, how could that scare him? No, what made him tremble with fear was that he would fail Noah, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the courage to face down the prejudices that they would have to confront. Dakota realized as he sat on the edge of his bed that he was both happy and sad about last night. Sure he wanted Noah in every way he had said, but he also didn’t want to fight anymore.

Sitting there, feeling the fabric of Noah’s shorts against his thighs and groin he felt lost. Why did it have to be this way? What was it that had some people running from him and guys like him as if they were contaminated or something? Did they really believe that they could catch it, that they could become gay simply because they were near a gay guy? It just seemed so stupid and yet that is how it felt. He had seen it around Montana at school and worse, he had seen how those who said they were friends never said a word. They stood by while others make the comments, while others jostled him or pushed him and when no one was watching, they would say they were sorry, they wished they could have done something. Christ didn’t they know that all they had to do was stand up and stand with Montana?

Now he had to do that all over again. Now he had to once more go up against those same assholes and he just didn’t know if he could anymore. Dakota felt tired as he stood up and dressed, feeling like a hundred instead of just a mere 16. His mom had told him once how sometimes trouble could age a person faster than anything. He knew was she was talking about now. God why did it always have to be like this? What difference did it make to anyone really if he was fucking a guy up the ass or not? Why did it matter to them if he liked a dick in his mouth instead of licking at some damn pussy?

His headache grew worse as he struggled with the feelings inside. He really did want Noah, not just for the sex but for the friendship and everything else that made up a relationship, least as how he thought it was. Looking at how his mom and dad acted together, it was what he thought could happen with him and Noah, but that was all in the air now. He had picked up the phone a couple of times last night, wanting to call him but then he chickened out, afraid of what would happen if Noah’s dad answered or worse if he told him that Noah couldn’t talk to him anymore.

At those times he could feel his anger rising up but at the same time he felt something else. It was like a part of him wished that would happen because then it would solve his problem. He wouldn’t have to pretend and he could safely go on living in their world without having to fight anymore. Those thoughts only confused him and made him feel shame. Why couldn’t it just be okay to love someone and not have to see first if they were the right sex or colour or whatever? Was God that choosey about who got into heaven? Did he really care if two people loved each other but were of the same sex or of different races? Did it matter if say some Jewish guy fell in love with a catholic girl, did they get banned from his heaven too or was it just gays?

Nothing really made sense to him as he walked thru the kitchen and kissed his mother on the cheek. He refused her offer of breakfast, feeling rather full despite the queasiness in his stomach. She looked so sad for him but what could she do? It was his problem and one that more than likely Noah’s father had already taken care of. If Noah had been able to convince them he would have called last night. The fact he didn’t was good enough as a call.

He reached the car when he stopped, startled by the shadow. His eyes narrowed and then opened wide as he recognized his father sitting in the passenger seat.

“Dad… uh…”

“You are late this morning”

“Yeah I didn’t get up on time, uh, what are you doing in the car?”

“Waiting for you”

There was something different about him, the way he was looking at him made him feel uneasy. He also felt a bit angry, thinking that his dad wanted him to take him somewhere when he should know that Sunday mornings were his. This was his time to be free of house chores and family stuff, it was his time to visit his brother. Dakota grew impatient as he was already late and he still had so many different things going thru his mind that he felt tired already.

“Oh, uh can’t it wait? I want to go to uh… well you know, uh, can’t it wait?”

“Can’t what wait?”

“Uh whatever it is you want me to do, or take you, or… I don’t know, you are in my car, just figured that uh…”

“You going to see Montana?”

“Yeah… you know I always do on Sunday morning”

“Thought as much, figured, well thought I’d go with you, that okay?”

He suddenly froze as he heard his father’s calm voice telling him that he was going to go with him. It was so unexpected that he felt slightly confused as well as uncertain. This from the man that no one could get to go to see Montana was just suddenly willing to go? It made no sense.

“Huh? You mean… but, are you sure?”

Gary had seen the shocked look on Dakota’s face which puzzled him a bit. Why should it be so strange that this time he was willing to go with him? Maybe the boy resented his intrusion but something inside made him realize that he had to go with him, that it was time for him to once more rejoin his own family. Seeing the look in Dakota’s eyes only made him more resolute.

“Yes, why? Don’t you think I can handle your driving?”

“No, I just… I mean you never wanted to come with me before, in fact… well, you never go to… uh, you never been to see…”

“Is that what you think?”

“Well… yes”

Now it was his turn to be shocked. His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked into the stunned face of his son. Could he really have not known all this time? Surely he had more faith in him than that? It felt painful as he saw for himself that Dakota really didn’t know and he knew that it was his fault. God how stupid could he have been?

“I see… I didn’t realize you didn’t know”

“Know? What didn’t I know?”

“Just where do you think I go every morning at sunrise?”

“To work, I mean… don’t you?”

“No Dakota, I don’t”

“Then… where do you…”

“I go to see your brother, sunrise was his favourite time of the day, you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but… uh yeah I did.”

“But you didn’t think I knew, isn’t that what you wanted to say?”

“I guess”

For a moment he couldn’t stand to look at his son and turned away from him. His heart ached inside of his chest as he realized just how much his son didn’t know about him. Gary knew he wasn’t the demonstrative type, the kind that always hung out with the kids, tried to be a pal. He just figured it wasn’t his role, that it was more important to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. He left the mothering to his wife but it didn’t mean he didn’t care. Hell he always spent time getting caught up on what had gone on, what the latest news was from the boyfriend front and all that other stuff.

He always kept his eye on them, never trying to intrude in their lives but always making sure he was close by, just in case. Didn’t they know that or was it maybe that he never let them know? To think that Dakota believed he had never gone to see Montana was like a knife to his heart. How could the boy not know?

The realization of the gap between them only made him ache more. He wondered if Arizona also felt that way about him. His eyes felt heavy as he turned back to look at Dakota. He saw a tall worried boy there, a boy torn up with a whole lot of hurt. In that instant he knew that he should have done more for him and he prayed silently hoping that it wasn’t too late for him to help his son. The pain was clearly written all over the young face that he felt it stabbing at his heart. How could he have not seen this before?

“I know lots of things son, I know for instance that Montana loved to watch the sunrise, that he enjoyed eating fresh strawberries and a whole lot of other things. I know too that for you sunset is your favourite time of day, you love to see the sun setting, the red tinge makes you tingle even, and I know you hate strawberries but used to go and eat them with Montana because it made him happy. Hell that is part of being a father, knowing stuff about your kids, or at least trying to know them.”

“I never… but why, uh, why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“What was there to say? That I miss him so much that I go and watch the sunrise over his grave? That instead of sitting out with him when he was alive to watch, I do it now that he is gone? What could I say that wouldn’t make it all seem so… so pitiful?”

It was like there was a stranger sitting in his car. The words were so filled with pain that he didn’t know what to do. He could feel the tears welling up near his eyes as he stared out at his father. The man looked different too, looked almost like a beaten old man instead of the strong 42 year old he was. Could the pain he felt for Montana have caused all that? If it did, what would his own headaches cause his dad to look like? Suddenly his fear grew as he realized that it wasn’t just him and Noah that he had to piece together, but his whole family had a stake in it as well. The idea terrorized him as he tried to reach out, wanting to say something but not knowing what.

“Dad I…”

“Just drive son, okay? Right now, please, just drive”

He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how he expected his father to act and yet in some deep part of his body he felt like it couldn’t ever be any other way. This was the man he thought his father was but had rarely seen. Now that he was seeing it he felt scared and yet warm too. It was confusing as he looked at his father who turned away at last. Dakota could see the tears welling up in the lined face and his heart ached for his dad. He stared at him then looked at the house, to see his mother standing on the porch. She merely nodded at him and he turned back to get into his car. Dakota turned the ignition on and headed the car down the long dusty road towards the main road.

The sound of the wind blowing past and the noise cars made as they whizzed by only made him more aware of the silent figure next to him. There were so many questions popping into his head that his headache only got worse. He had to squint as the pain in his forehead grew with each passing mile, He drove by reflex more than anything and despite that he felt like he was on a bed of nails. There was so much he wanted to ask but each time he tried, his courage failed him. He sat there driving instead of talking, instead of asking so that when they finally arrived at the cemetery he was startled.

He shifted down a little, easing off the gas and coasted along the windy road till he could go no further. He parked the car off to the side and stared out past the lush green rolling grass. His eyes narrowed as he saw the tall tree off in the distance and his heart sighed a bit, wishing for what he wasn’t sure. So much was pressing on him that he stood there blinking in the morning light until he saw the bent over figure slowly walking up the grassy knoll. His father had already left him and he quickly leaped forward, jogging to catch up.

They came to the simply white stone that jutted up from the grassy ground. You could barely see the dirt now, the grass having already claimed most of it. The shade from the overhanging branches added a soft cool touch to the whole area. Other stones were dotted about but there was nothing on either side of Montana’s. Not for some distance really did you see another stone and Dakota had always wondered about that, how such a nice spot was being left untouched.

His father stood by the stone with his head bowed and then as Dakota came to stand by him he finally looked at him. Dakota stepped back as he saw a warm glow and strange calm in his father’s face. He had half expected to see tears running down the cheeks but instead they actually had a bit of colour to them. It was weird for him as he saw his dad give him a small smile and then take his jacket off. For a moment Dakota thought he would toss it over his shoulder or offer it to him to wear or hold but instead the man simply laid the jacket on the grass, next to the headstone and then proceeded to sit down on it.

Dakota didn’t know what to do. He stood there staring down at the stone and then at his father who just sat there, his legs stretched out in front like he was at a picnic or something. It all seemed so unreal to him and yet as the sun played on the grass in front and the wind swirled lightly around him, he knew this wasn’t a dream. His heart continued to pound hard as he tried to say something, not sure what he should say even. Everything seemed so natural and yet felt weird, just like everything else it seemed that was happening to him. His thoughts turned to Noah and he wondered what it would have been like having Noah here with him? Would he have understood why every Sunday Dakota came here or would he think it sappy and weird? Whenever things got heavy, whenever he needed a place to think it was here that he came.

Here was where he felt safe; where he could talk to the only person he had who could understand him. Here was where he could unburden his mind to the only person that shared the same doubts and pains as he did. Here was where he could just be himself, talk without worry about what someone might think or get a wrong impression. Would Noah have understood that? Did his father understand it? Once more his eyes were drawn to his dad who was leaning back on his elbows and staring right back at him. It made him jump a bit and hang his head down, the eye contact too frightening to him.

“Don’t you sit?”

“Huh?”

“Do you just stand or do you sit down when you come by yourself?”

“Oh, uh, I sit”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Why aren’t you sitting? Am I making you that nervous Dakota?”

“Sorry… I guess partly, I don’t know.”

Staring at his son, he reminded him of a deer got in the headlights of a truck. His eyes blazed and yet he stole perfectly still. Nothing around him seemed to be registering as the lights mesmerized him except in this case it was his presence. Did he really make his own boy so nervous or was it something else? Something was eating at him, but what?

“Feeling shell shocked are you?”

“Shell shocked? From?”

“Me being here, last night, school, life, I don’t know, everything maybe?”

He felt confused by his father. His dad had said more to him so far than maybe what he had said over the entire year. It was nice in one sense and freaky in another. Was his dad going to try and tell him he shouldn’t see Noah anymore? The idea that he might do that though didn’t anger him as much as he thought it should. Was he maybe hoping for that but damn it, he loved Noah or thought he did. Why was he feeling like he needed an out, that he needed an excuse to end something he only had ever dreamed of having? Was he that fucked up in the head that when something good like Noah came along he tried to push it away? What was wrong with him? Why was he acting this way?

“I suppose… things are a bit uh, mixed up”

“Mixed up? Christ son they are royally fucked up as I see it”

“Dad!”

“What? You think this is where we pussy foot around stuff? I don’t think so Dakota, one thing I have learned by coming here every morning for so long is that pussy footing around stuff that counts is just so much crap and a waste of time. Hell son, we got more important stuff to deal with in life than worrying about what blasted words we use, don’t you think?”

“I guess… I don’t know, maybe”

Gary couldn’t put his finger on it but something was out of place, was wrong as Dakota never was so hesitant before, never so reluctant to say how he felt. He peered intently at his son, trying to figure out what it was that had him acting so skittish. Could Dakota be worried that he might try to stop him from seeing that Noah boy?

“Christ son you are acting like you are going to jump out of your skin, what is it? This trouble with that Noah boy, is that eating at you?”

“Partly”

“The rest being?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Dakota wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t used to all these questions from his dad like this, and hell it seemed that he knew more than he had suspected. Okay maybe mom had talked to him he thought but why now? Why was he suddenly all fired up to talk about this stuff? It wasn’t like he seemed interest before this, so what was it? Was he worried about more medical bills or was there something he hadn’t told him? Christ had he heard from Noah’s folks?

That might be it but staring at him, seeing the strange new look on his face he wondered other things too. It just wasn’t the way he was used to his dad acting. Maybe there was something going on he should know about, why the sudden switch in how he acted? The whole idea of his dad showing up here each morning was puzzling to him. How could he have not known but worse, why did his dad do it?

“Why are you here now? Why do you come here in the mornings alone? Why didn’t you ever tell me, or Arizona? Does mom know?”

“Yes she knows, she’s even come a few times with me, though she worried each time that one of you would wake up and find us both gone, so for the most part she stays home, but yes she knows.”

“Then why didn’t you, I mean why was it a secret?”

“It wasn’t, guess though it became one all on its own, kind of like you and Montana huh?”

“Us? I don’t…”

For the life of him he had never seen his son so disjointed, so lacking in strength. At times he had thought Dakota had a certain stubborn streak or even a defiant one but looking at him now all he could see was total confusion. It scared him a little as he tried to figure out what it could be that had him all in knots like this?

Dakota had always been one of those kids who just went and did things. He never worried about asking, he just went and did em like he had some secret guidance system inside that always kept him focused. Now he looked like a duck out of water that made him sweat a bit. He was so young to have gone through so much crap and yet to know that there was just as much if not more around the corner. It didn’t seem right or fair but that was life.

“How long did you know Dakota? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?”

“I dunno, awhile I guess”

“So how come you never told?”

“That is different… I mean…”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it is something you, you know… What, you figured I should have just come up and said, oh by the way I am gay too? Besides, I thought you had enough to worry about.”

It was almost as if he could smell the fear oozing from his son. His heart began to tremble as he realized that something was seriously wrong with his boy. He couldn’t quite get a handle on it but he could see the terror in Dakota’s face as he spoke, as he tried to hide the doubts and fears.

“That’s nice if it is true”

“Huh? Of course it is…”

“Could be more that you were just plain scared?”

Shit, did everyone know what a coward he was? Was he the last one to find out that all this time of pretending to be tough, pretending to be self-reliant and all that in reality he was just a scared snot nosed kid? God did Noah know it too?

Maybe that was why he had gone so ballistic, so intense that he would get his parents to see things his way. It was maybe his way of telling him that he knew, that he didn’t care or was he just trying to get him to stand up for a change? Shit, it was so mixed up, he wished they had time before all this happened. Maybe if they had spent the weekend together they could have talked. Hell maybe he could have found the guts to try and explain all these weird things he was feeling inside.

Looking at his dad he wondered what he was up to? Did he suspect how much of a coward he was or was he trying to find out? The way he looked now sure as hell wasn’t how he looked when he first confronted Montana. God the anger on his face, the almost murderous look he gave both of them was still vivid in his mind. How did he expect him to tell him after looking like that?

“Okay, yeah that too I suppose, shit it isn’t easy telling something like that, and then… well…”

“Well what?”

“I didn’t want you to go off like you did when Montana told you”

It couldn’t be that simple, could it? Looking at his face, seeing the way he kept averting his eyes only made Gary more certain that his boy was still hiding something. He wished he could pin point it because in his heart he knew it could make or break who is son turned out to be. Every part of his body felt like it belonged to a person over a 100 as he tried to figure out just what was eating at Dakota.

“He didn’t tell me, I went off cause I heard about it elsewhere, hell I don’t know, maybe I would have gone off the same no matter what, but I cooled off pretty fast, didn’t I?”

“Yeah”

“So?”

“I dunno, guess I should have said something”

“Would have helped”

“I suppose, just that, well, you aren’t all that easy to just talk to”

“Doing okay now aren’t we?”

“Some, maybe it’s the place, or maybe I just… I don’t know, so why didn’t you tell me? About coming here?”

“I never really thought about it actually, never even knew you didn’t know, at least until last night. That’s maybe why this morning I am here with you instead”

Somehow he felt he was on safer ground now. Talking about why he hadn’t said anything was getting to close to home. God what if he was a coward thru and thru? He couldn’t be though, shit he had stood up for Montana, had fought a few good fights too, so how could he be a coward? Thing was though it was how he felt right now, knowing that he was only looking for excuses to break it off with Noah.

He felt angry at his father too. Why did he have to come and dump all this on him now? Didn’t he have enough to try and figure out without having to explain all this other stuff? Couldn’t his dad see that he needed to be alone, to work stuff out?

“But… I mean each time we asked you to come with us, you always refused, we thought it was cause… well cause you couldn’t bear to be here, now you say you are here every morning, so, why didn’t you come with us? Is it us you didn’t want to be around?”

“Christ NO! I thought that each needed their own time here, without the others. I love your mother and when she offered to come with me, I didn’t refuse but she could tell, she could see that this was my time. I just thought when you asked that you were being polite is all. I also thought that you needed your own time here, just like I do”

“I suppose, still I wish I had known…”

“Why? So you could have joined me? I don’t know, maybe once or twice would have been okay, but I think if you had known you would have wanted to come every morning, and well as much as I love you, I need that time to be alone with Montana.”

“I guess I understand… but still”

Why was he so scared of him? It didn’t make sense really because he thought he had always been a good father. He never tried to force them to do stuff, he would always explain things or at least try to. Wasn’t like teenagers ever wanted to listen but still he had tried. Okay there had been times when he had to be strict, hell that was part of being a parent but that shouldn’t make his kids afraid of him.

God didn’t they know that he would give his own life for them if he could save them from pain? Didn’t Dakota know that he would have traded places with Montana in a flash if he could have? How could he have raised Dakota all these years with him not knowing or trusting in him? Was he that much of a stranger to his own family?

“Hell Dakota, you could have asked too you know? If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask, it isn’t like I bite your head off when you ask me stuff, is it?”

“No, I just never… never really thought to”

“I suppose son, but it isn’t right you know? We are supposed to trust each other, you do know I love you don’t you?”

“Yeah”

Gary was confused. He heard the words and they were what he had expected and yet they rang false inside. Looking at Dakota he realized that the boy was saying what he thought he wanted to hear instead of telling him the truth. It was not how he had raised him and yet, there was something in Dakota’s face that made him worry even more.

“Yeah? Yeah but what?”

“Nothing”

“Nothing my ass, I can see it in your eyes son, you don’t think I love you do you?”

“I don’t know…. shit, I wish I did, but sometimes I think you hate me, that you…”

“Hate you? I could never hate you, you are my son”

“I know, it is just that… well sometimes I wonder if you do cause I am… well cause I am like Montana”

“Like Montana? You mean gay?”

“Yes”

“How can you, what ever could make you think that I hated your brother? I love him, just as I love you and Arizona. Do you really think I hated Montana because he was gay?”

He didn’t know what to say to his dad. Yes at times he did think that his dad hated Montana and hated him too because they were gay. At times he could see the look on his face and he knew it was hatred. Maybe if Montana hadn’t gotten sick things would be different, but everything changed with that news. The looks never came after that, so maybe it wasn’t real or maybe it was just that he couldn’t hate someone who was dying? How do you say that?

“I don’t think so, no… but then he got sick which changed things, I don’t know, maybe you think it is my fault or something”

Oh Sweet Jesus how could he have missed all this pain and suffering that was inside of his boy? Had he been that blind or that self absorbed that he hadn’t seen the pain in his youngest boy? His body shook a little as he felt his own shame for not seeing, for not knowing.

“My God, Dakota how… I love you son, as much as I loved Montana and as much as I love your sister. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.”

“It is just that… I don’t know, being this way, Montana having been this way…”

“Good Lord Dakota, how could you even think that? Why didn’t you ever come to me or to your mother? Why have you kept all this inside?”

“I don’t know, I guess I kept seeing how angry you got at Montana, and then how sad you were when… when he came home to… to die. I don’t know, it just was like… like…”

“Terrifying and confusing?”

“yes”

“I know, it is how I felt then too, still do really. I won’t bullshit you Dakota, I do worry about you and at times, well at times I curse this whole gay thing”

It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He knew inside that his dad hadn’t cared for him being gay any more than he had for Montana. Still to hear it only made it seem worse. He couldn’t help who he was, at times he wished he could but it just didn’t happen no matter how much he prayed for it. God what he wouldn’t give to be like all the others, to not worry about hiding how he was feeling or thinking when in the locker room or walking down the hallway. No one really could understand how that hurt and each night he wished he could be different. Now knowing his dad really did hate it only made him wish he had, well that he had died along with Montana. At least for Montana that part was over, he didn’t have to face all those hating faces anymore.

“I can’t help being this way dad”

“No I know that, I don’t curse at you son… I curse at God I guess, for making you this way, not because I am ashamed either, but for all the grief this has given you, both of you really”

“I miss him so much dad…”

“I know we all do son, we all do…”

“Why did he have to die Dad? Why? Is it maybe… I mean… could they…”

God how many sleepless nights had he and his wife shared over this question? Why did such bad things happen to innocent people like his Montana? Okay, maybe he wasn’t perfect but who in hell was? Montana cared for a lot of things, he was a good son and looked after his sister and younger brother. He would give anything he had for them so why? What terrible thing was it that made God take him from them?

He couldn’t begin to count how many times he asked himself if it was because of Montana being gay. How many times had he picked up a newspaper to read about some group claiming gays were sinners, some Priest commenting on how they were doomed unless they repented or how many politicians that were incensed at their lifestyle demanding criminal penalties for their behaviour?

Even his own family pastor had felt that Montana had violated some sacred trust with God, but damn it, God created his boy, just as he had created everything in the world, how could Montana be evil? How could such a warm person who loved life like he had be a shame to God?

Deep down in his heart he knew that they were wrong. His mind may wonder and think that perhaps they had a point or two, which they even had to be right given, who they were but in his heart he knew that was wrong. Something deep down told him that and looking at Dakota, he realized that his son was lost. He had listened too much to the hatred.

Gary sighed as he looked deeply into his boy’s face in an effort to calm the fears that seemed to be there. There was so much he didn’t know and yet it was up to him to show him that it was okay to be who he was. It was his responsibility as a father to try and help his son, but how could he when he himself didn’t know the answers or the truth? All he had was his faith and he prayed it would be enough.

“NO! NO! Don’t… damn, don’t Dakota… you can’t blame his dying on who he was or who you are either, it isn’t like they say son… God in heaven, I wish I could explain it…. I wish someone would explain it to me… “

“Then… why? It seems so… so cruel”

“Life can be that way, I don’t know why, it just is I suppose, but Dakota you can’t ever believe it is because he was gay. For whatever reason God chose to take Montana, it wasn’t because Montana was gay.”

“You still believe in God?”

“Don’t you? Of course I still do, I don’t know if I could have gotten through this otherwise.”

Dakota lowered his head and stared at the ground. All he could feel was pain inside, pain and hatred. He hated who he was, having to always try to be one thing when he was something else. He hated how it had made Montana feel, hated how it had hurt them all and worse of all he hated how it taken his brother from him.

“I don’t”

“Dakota you are angry, you can’t…”

“Blame God? Why the hell not? He made us this way didn’t he? So why then? Why did he send this AIDS to kill us? Is he ashamed of us too? If he exists, why dad? Why?”

The silence felt like it would shatter every thing around him. He couldn’t look at his son really and he felt the pain in his heart because he also wondered about it. How could a God who was supposed to be of love do such things? He had questioned it so many times that he knew them by heart. The trouble was he had no answer for his son who needed one and he felt himself slip a little, his hand touching the warm stone of his other boy’s final marker. In that moment he knew that he faced losing Dakota and felt the panic inside but the fires that flickered inside refused to die, just as his faith had refused to go quietly away.

“There is no answer Dakota, except that if you believe, eventually the answers will come. You aren’t asking anything I haven’t asked…”

“Then how can you still believe in God? How can…”

“I have to, because I suppose if I didn’t believe in him anymore I’d have to believe that Montana is here now, his body rotting into nothing and that the pain he suffered was all he would know, because Dakota to believe in God I can at least have some hope that he is not suffering anymore, that what happened to him wasn’t his final feelings on earth, that he isn’t really gone.”

“But… it doesn’t…”

“No it isn’t rational, it isn’t logic, but in my heart son, it feels right. Faith isn’t for when things are good, it is easy to believe in God then, but faith, real faith is believing in him when things aren’t good. I have to believe, for me not to, I can’t imagine what it would be otherwise… can’t you see? If there is no God, then Montana died in pain, there is no escape for him, can’t you see that?”

“But why all this then? Why?”

“I don’t know, guess maybe some priest or expert could give you a better reason, even then I kind of doubt if it would be any more real than what I believe. I know it is true, how I know I can only say cause inside, where it all counts, where there is no place to hide from the truth, it feels right.”

“I don’t feel that”

“Don’t you? I think you do, but I also think you are afraid of it, the truth isn’t always kind, is it?”

“You really believe Montana is at peace?”

“Yes”

“You think he can see us now? Sitting here?”

“I don’t know, I think whatever Montana’s soul was, I think that is watching us, yes.”

He sat there next to his father and brother, wondering if the pain he was feeling was like his dad said. Was he trying to run away from the truth? Maybe it was that, maybe it was that he really wasn’t sure what the truth was. All he knew for certain was that he cared for Noah, that he missed Montana. That he knew, as to the rest, it was all a mess inside.

Part of him wanted to have what everyone else had. He wanted to walk down a street and hold hands, kiss when he felt like it or just walk with Noah’s head on his shoulder. That was what he wanted, dreamed of having. For a brief time last night he thought it might happen. At least where they were it was safe, but school, that was something else. He could never do that at school without fighting at least once every day.

That was what scared him. He had been in fights, and okay yeah he did okay and won them, but it still fucking hurt afterwards. So what if he won, eventually someone bigger or tougher would come along then what? Would Noah still want him if he were damaged goods? Hell would Noah want him if he lost, never mind how he looked afterwards?

Maybe he would but sitting there, feeling the sun on his face and body, he knew there was more to it. Noah might not mind him losing a fight or two, but what would he think if he not only lost the fight but as a result Noah got the crap kicked of him too? How would he look at him then? Would the feelings he had now turn into hate or disappointment? Hate he could maybe handle, disappointing Noah was something totally different.

As he sat there he also knew that if he did manage to keep things going with Noah that eventually it would change. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that the pressure that everyone at school would put on them would be constant. There is no way guys like Hector would let it go and if he was right, guys like Rusty would keep pushing those like Hector. It was how they got their jollies. He had seen it with Montana, and he had to admit that if Montana hadn’t gotten sick, that he most likely would have quit school or maybe worse.

The pain and emptiness inside his heart only grew more intense sitting by his dad and his brother’s grave. He was both angry and scared at the same time, uncertain what to do. The look in Noah’s eyes as he had left told him that if he could, he’d fight his parents till eventually they gave in. That meant that no matter what he would be looking at a rough year at school, for both him and Noah. Then there was Arizona to think about. She was a true Northwood and no doubt she’d throw in her two cents if people picked on him and Noah.

God that would be all his folks would need. Him to come home battered or hurt every night and his sister too. How much could his folks take? They weren’t exactly young and besides, losing Montana seemed to have knocked the life from them. His dad never laughed really, his mom barely ever smiled a real smile. How could he do that to them when most likely Noah would dump him in the end?

Okay maybe he wouldn’t, but Noah didn’t know how rough it could get. He had no clue as to how mean kids could be. He was already choked by just some spray painting on the locker, how would he feel when his locker would be trashed and all over the floor? How would he feel when kids would make fag jokes in class and the teacher laugh along with the others? He had seen it, he knew how it felt and right now, right now he just wished the whole world would simply blow up or something.

For a brief time he had felt normal, felt like everything bad had suddenly been pushed away. Why couldn’t it have stayed like that? His eyes searched upwards, almost as if he was asking God. Okay he had thought that he didn’t believe, but like his dad said, you had to have something. Maybe he should give God another chance or maybe he should just grow up and accept that life sucked? All he knew was how much it hurt to think of going back to school tomorrow, of maybe having to face Noah and finding out that they couldn’t see each other anymore, or worse that they could. God how could he think this way? Didn’t he care about Noah or did he care for his own ass more?

Was he a coward? The thought had entered his mind a few times last night. Why did it matter so much this time if he got into fights? Why did it matter if he lost or not? It never really mattered before but now it bugged him. Maybe before it was just him and he never had thought about how it affected his parents or even Montana? Could it be that? Still, if he was really in love with Noah, shouldn’t he not be worried about this stuff? Shouldn’t he be more worried about what Noah’s parents might do or that they might not be allowed to see each other?

“I am scared”

“I know son”

“No, I don’t think you do, I mean I am scared of fighting”

“Of fighting or of fighting for Noah?”

“Both I guess”

“You afraid of losing?”

“A bit, but no, I think its something else, I just don’t know what”

“You not sure Noah is worth it?”

“I don’t know… maybe, or maybe that I am not worth it?”

Gary sat there with his head tilted upwards and his eyes blurred by the rays of the sun. The pain in his chest was real as he listened to the soft voice of his son knowing how much he was in pain. He didn’t know the answers to give him either which only increased his own feelings of guilt. He was supposed to help his boys but so far all he had done was lose one and now was maybe going to lose another one.

To tell him to walk away was on his lips but was that what he should say? To tell his son to back off would mean a lot less headaches for Dakota but also for him. Was he willing to tell him that because he believed it was the right course for his boy or was it because it would mean less trouble for him? God how do you know the truth he wondered, how?

Oh he had spoken the right words, about faith and everything but here he was, once more trying to wrestle with the truth and not knowing which way to turn. Did Dakota really feel that Noah might not be the one or was that simply his fear? Did he maybe worry about what his love with this boy might do to all of them so he was trying to find a way to back out?

If Dakota really did believe that Noah wasn’t the one for him then he needed to spare them all the grief that would come from seeing him now. If that was for real, if deep in his heart he really was unsure then he had to tell Dakota to back off, but was it real? There was no way for him to know or was there? His eyes narrowed as he stared upwards, searching his memory for something that was nagging at him, something that might help him give Dakota the right answers.

“You have been thinking about this since his parents came or before?”

“Kind of before, just before I guess”

“Why? Did he do something, say something?”

He really wasn’t sure how to explain it to his dad. Was it that he said it or was it maybe more than that? All he knew was that he got a chill when he heard school but if he was honest, it wasn’t really what he said as to what he thought. God was he hopeless but maybe if he talked about it, maybe he could figure it out?

“Said… it was about school”

“I see”

“I don’t, am I being a coward?”

He could hear the pain in his son’s voice. Worse he could even see it in his face. Gary’s heart ached too as he realized that there was a lot more to this. His instincts told him that it really wasn’t Noah had said or maybe not even what he had or hadn’t done, but that maybe Dakota was feeling tired, already beaten by all that had gone on with Montana. For a moment he once more hated this whole gay stuff, wishing for a mere instant that Dakota were normal. Then as the idea crept in he felt the shame too, because Dakota was normal, to say he wasn’t just because he was gay was being like all the others. God, what a world he thought as he tried to figure out how to answer his son. Part of him knew some of what he said was from fear, but was that it? Maybe some was from Dakota simply being tired, exhausted from having to be something he wasn’t and it was wearing him down.

“Depends I suppose on why you feel this way, sometimes you have to walk away, but tell me, why did you bring Noah out to the house? I don’t think you ever brought anyone home, why him?”

“I dunno, seemed right I suppose”

“He that good in, uh, he good as a… shit, he good in bed?”

“No… not really I guess, maybe in time, uh… this is weird, I don’t… I mean…”

Christ how do you talk about sex with your son when you didn’t even know what his kind of sex was? He had some idea but he just couldn’t quite figure it all out, still maybe that was part of this whole thing for Dakota, then again in his heart he was pretty well certain it had nothing to do with sex. He had to make sure and maybe in the process help Dakota realize that as well.

“Yeah but, well I know, feels damn strange talking to your dad about your gay partner, still… I mean, well if he isn’t that good, why then? Why bring him home to us?”

“It isn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, actually I did, I suppose you could say that it felt the best but wasn’t… I don’t know, shit. I never felt so good as when we were doing it, but after, I mean the actual stuff… it wasn’t done like… like it should be…”

“You mean emotionally he can’t be beat but in the style or technique he stunk?”

“Christ that sounds so… but yeah, I guess that is what I mean”

“Maybe he’s not as experienced as you?”

“God no he isn’t, this was uh, this was his first time”

“Oh shit”

“Yeah… maybe I rushed him and well, I don’t know, maybe he, damn I don’t know, it seemed so right then, but later, in thinking about it…”

“After he mentioned school?”

Was his dad trying to tell him he was a coward? Okay yeah the sex had been super, not sure how else he could describe it okay in style, maybe it wasn’t the best, but so what? Wasn’t it how he felt that counted and he knew, deep down he knew that what he had felt had been real. So was it the sex?

Staring at his feet he could feel his insides again, feel that strange glow that Noah gave him when they touched. There was no mistaking how that felt and yet here he was, trying to make out like it felt less than it was. Was it a way to make him feel better about what he was thinking?

“Kind of”

“Until then you didn’t care if his uh, his style was off?”

“No, never thought about it, I just… I don’t know, I feel so confused. I want to be with him, least part of me says I do, but then, well part of me says I am asking for trouble”

“Trouble or getting beaten up?”

For just a second he wanted to scream out yes, but he bit his tongue instead. Couldn’t his father understand that it was more than just that? How could he not be afraid of getting the crap kicked out of him or worse. Sure he wanted Noah, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle the responsibility it meant. Was he really just afraid of fighting or that he wasn’t sure if he loved Noah? Either way he guessed he was fucked.

“Maybe that, but no, not really. I guess I keep seeing him, beaten up and looking at me so disappointed, like I let him down”

“You didn’t beat him up”

“No, but if I lose the fights he could get hurt, then it would be my fault. Don’t you see? I don’t want to have him disappointed in me, I’d rather he hate me instead”

“So if you tell him you don’t love him, he will be safe, he won’t get hurt and you won’t get into fights you might lose, which means he won’t get hurt or disappointed in you, is that it?”

“Yeah, guess so”

“So all this talk about him not pleasing you, that’s what?”

“I don’t know, being stupid?”

“No, maybe its trying to convince yourself that you don’t care for him like you know you do, makes it easier to get him to hate you then doesn’t it?”

He did care for him though, so how could it be that? Why didn’t he understand that he just didn’t want to be the one who had to do all this? Maybe it was that he was sure how he felt, just that he wasn’t so sure about Noah? Hell he was Noah’s first, maybe it was just infatuation or something? Maybe it was because they came from two different types of life, or maybe he just wasn’t certain that Noah would stand by him?

“No, well maybe a bit”

“Also gives you a good excuse for trying to hide that hurt you have inside, that hole where you keep his feelings. That way when you miss him and it aches so much, you can have an excuse all ready, that he really wasn’t good in bed, or his hair was too short, or something, right?”

“No, you make it sound so cruel, I don’t think like that, I care for him, I just don’t want to fight, I don’t want to get him hurt because I lose, I’d rather remember him as it was up in the tree house than him lying somewhere being disappointed cause I couldn’t lick some dude, it is for him…”

“Him or for you?”

“Me? No, I can handle a few bruises and stuff”

“I know, I know too that Montana could as well but even he was reaching his end when he got the news. God only knows how it would have all played out if he hadn’t gotten sick, and that Dakota is what worries you now, isn’t it?”

Yes okay? That was some of it, he had seen it and felt it. He had seen the pain in his brother each time he had to go to school, saw the fear that he tried to hide from everyone. Yes that was it, part of it anyhow. He didn’t want to feel like dirt all day long. What was so wrong in just wanting to go on as things were, without risking everyone knowing? Yes he wanted Noah too but Noah couldn’t keep it quiet, there was no way he wouldn’t let something slip, then what? Couldn’t his dad understand that simple thing, he didn’t want to be gay?

“Some I suppose”

“A lot maybe? Maybe you wonder what Noah would do, maybe all this is simply that you don’t care for him, maybe he was just a what, a quick romp? Is that how you look at him?”

“NO! Shit I don’t think of him that way, he is more than that. Christ he has a smile to die for, and he’s smart too, you don’t know how smart he is. There are lots of things about him that I like, stuff like how he laughs, the way he smells even. I know its hard to imagine, but he has talent too, he can act and he might not be good at sports but he can do lots of other stuff and…”

“And yet you want to dump him”

He just didn’t understand it. Noah was everything a guy could want, could even ask for even. Trouble was, deep down in his own heart he felt dirty, felt ashamed of being just what Noah wasn’t afraid of. He didn’t want to be gay, he didn’t’ want to go thru his whole life wondering if the person would find out or if they would attack him. He just wanted to be like all the others, go thru school and not worry about fighting, not worry about who would be next. Was that so wrong or selfish? Yes he wanted Noah, but damn it why couldn’t Noah be a girl and he normal?

“No, it is just… damn I wish I knew what to say”

“Say what is in your heart son, forget the logic, Christ if I listened to my brain back when I was first met your mother none of you kids would have been born”

“What does that… I don’t see how…”

“Dakota, faith isn’t just about God, faith is about believing in what you can’t see or in what doesn’t make sense. Your heart is telling you how it feels, your mind is telling you it doesn’t make sense, that it is risky, dangerous even but if you have faith in what your heart says, if you have faith in that love you feel for him, then all this worry won’t amount to a hill of beans”

“But what if I am not good enough for him? What if I fail him? What if…”

“What if a bus hits you, what if a tornado comes and takes us all away or what if you are good enough for him?”

“Or not?”

He looked over at his son and wondered what it was that was eating at him. Dakota had never seemed so insecure before or dejected either. Even Montana’s death hadn’t made him seem this lost, this confused. Looking at him he tried to reach inside, to try and find that one spot where the truth lay. Could Dakota be a coward was one thought but he had seen him, seen how he had this way that no coward could have. No, Dakota wasn’t a coward in that sense. He would fight if pushed, if he had reason to so what then?

Staring at the boy’s face he could see the fear in his eyes but there was something else as well. There was hatred in the eyes but for what he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Noah or him so what? What was making his son want to pass up an opportunity that may never come his way again? It was hard enough in the straight world to find a companion, doubly harder in his son’s world. Why would he give up something that he even admitted felt right, felt good?

“Dakota…”

They both turned around at the sudden voice that came to them. Gary saw a tall man standing a bit behind the young boy and he could see the lines of strain on his face even from here. His heart ached as he saw the warm glow on the boy’s face as he waited for Dakota to answer him. Inside he knew it wasn’t the right time, that it was not a blessing.

Dakota seemed to jump at the sound of his name from behind and as he turned and saw Noah standing there, his heart felt like it would break apart. God this wasn’t what he wanted, not now. There was still so much he wanted to think about, to get straight but then looking at him seeing him standing there he knew that now was just as good as any other time.

“Noah… how, I mean…”

“We went to your place first, your mom told us how to get here… uh, you okay?”

“Uh… yeah, yeah I am fine, uh, your dad, does this mean that…”

“He’s cool Dakota, he isn’t going to stop us… I told you, didn’t I?”

“Uh yeah, yeah you did…”

Why wasn’t Dakota jumping up and down? He looked so sad, so unhappy that his own joy began to weaken a little. He hadn’t been sure what he expected but this wasn’t it. Something was up but he still couldn’t quite feel what. He was just too excited by the change of events and all he could think about was sharing it with Dakota. Hell part of him was hoping that he could stay the night with him, and maybe this time he could, well maybe this time he would last longer.

All the way here all he could think about was how good it would feel to put his arms around Dakota. He could almost taste the salt that would come from having Dakota’s mouth pressed against his as they would hug and kiss and all of that but now, now that seemed just a distant dream as Dakota only stared up at him, hardly even moving.

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound thrilled… didn’t you understand? My folks, they aren’t going…”

“I understand, uh, shit… let’s go over there, okay?”

“Okay, but…”

“Please”

Noah felt a cold chill creep into his body at the pleading word that came from Dakota. He had slowly stood up, as if he was dreading having to stand next to him even. Something was wrong and for a moment or two he was certain it had to do with Dakota’s own parents. Maybe they objected to him, but he could handle that. If he could convince his parents that they were right for each other, he could convince Dakota’s.

They walked down the hill a bit and then Dakota turned to look at Noah. He could see the shining face and glowing eyes which only made him hurt even more. He knew he had no choice really even though he doubted if anyone would understand. Maybe if Montana was still here he might but maybe not even him. He sighed as he let his eyes stare down at the grass instead of looking into Noah’s face.

“Look Noah, uh, I been thinking…”

“Me too, I know that…”

“Let me talk okay?”

There was a sharpness to Dakota’s voice that only made him tremble more. He felt a coldness deep inside his heart as he tried to look at Dakota, but instead Dakota kept looking away. Noah felt panic as he wondered what had happened, wondering why suddenly he felt so alone, so empty inside. All the way here he had felt like nothing could stop him from being with Dakota, with the person he loved. Now it all felt like he was about to have his whole world once more explode in his face. First his parents last night and now Dakota?

“Uh yeah, okay, what is it? I get the idea you aren’t… your dad doesn’t want us to be together, is that it?”

“No, he is okay with it”

“Oh good, man you had me worried”

“Noah it is me, okay? Me. I don’t want to us to be together, okay?”

Noah stood there, silent as his eyes opened wide and he stared at Dakota. The wind seemed to rustle the tree behind him a bit louder or maybe it was the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces, he wasn’t sure which. He shook his head as if maybe he had heard wrong, but looking at Dakota he knew he heard him right. It didn’t make sense as he felt a strange dullness in the pit of his stomach. Where he had felt nothing but joy was now empty of any feeling. The sun was shining but to his eyes it felt like he was suddenly caught in a black hole of space. There was no light or warmth as he stood there, his body trembling as the words banged around inside of him, cutting him into tiny pieces.

“Huh? Dakota… what?”

“I can’t, I just can’t be, I know that it is maybe the worst mistake but I can’t Noah, I just can’t”

“But last night… why? What did I do? You have to tell me, please Dakota…”

“I just don’t want a boyfriend, I thought I did, I am sorry, but…”

“No, no that isn’t it, what is it? Tell me… Christ was I that bad last night, I can learn to be better, give me a chance, please…”

Why couldn’t he just accept what he said? Christ he was such a drama, no, no that was wrong, it wasn’t Noah’s fault for this, it was his and he felt the pain inside. Just like his dad said, he was using excuses to make it easier but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t want to be gay, how could he tell Noah that? How could he tell anyone that who he was wasn’t what he wanted? It wasn’t like anyone could change it for him, not even God if there was one. Maybe that was why he didn’t believe anymore, because all his prayers and wishes had fallen on a deaf ear?

Dakota shivered a little as he glanced up at Noah’s pain riddled face. He could see the tears already rolling down his face and he wanted to just reach out, grab him and hug him and tell him to forget it, that he did want him but he held back, knowing that this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let him go on thinking it would work when inside he knew it couldn’t. His own heart ached as he looked back at the grass, wishing it would just open and swallow him up, knowing too that it wouldn’t.

“No it isn’t that, you were awesome, I just, I just don’t want a boyfriend, I uh, I don’t want to be tied down to one person… that is all”

“But… that isn’t what you said, there has to be something else, please, I don’t want to be a part from you Dakota, God please…”

“It just isn’t what I want.. I thought I did but I don’t, there isn’t any other reason, honest”

The shock was making him shake as he stood there. His whole world was suddenly gone and he didn’t know why. Everything he had hoped for seemed within reach this morning and now it simply didn’t even exist. How could Dakota have changed so much in such a short time? He loved him, he had said so only last night and yet now, now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at him. What had he done? What?

“I don’t believe you”

“It’s the truth Noah, besides, you’ll find someone else, you are cute”

It was like a light had gone off. He stepped back a step in disbelieve. Could it be that he had been wrong about Dakota? He didn’t think so but it was almost as if all he was to Dakota was a fuck. That was impossible but he had read about that, how some guys liked virgins and their tight Asses. Could that be all that Dakota had been wanting, to have his dick in Noah’s virgin ass?

The pain and confusion began to turn to anger as he heard the words echo in his head. How could Dakota say that, didn’t he know that he loved him? Did he really think that all Noah had wanted was to get fucked? Shit how could he do that to him? He had tried and all Dakota could say was that he was cute? Cute?

“Is that all I am to you? Cute?”

“No, but… I am sorry”

“Fuck that… Christ do you know what kind of hell I went through last night? I fought for us, I risked getting thrown out of my home for us, how can you just… how?”

Why couldn’t Noah let it go? It was over, there were plenty of other guys for him to drool over, why did he seem so fixed on it being him? Christ, he had lots of others, none of them made this kind of fuss before, so why did Noah have to? His own anger flashed out as he finally let his eyes meet Noah’s.

“Look, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, don’t blame me for that.”

“Who should I blame? Christ, you make it sound like all I was was some fuck, is that it? Was I just some tight ass that you wanted to fuck?”

“I guess, if that’s what you want to think”

“What else am I supposed to think?”

“Look, at least I am telling you now before it got worse, okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Yeah I guess we can. Fuck Dakota, I thought you were special, God I only wanted to please you, how can you…”

“It isn’t you Noah, it is me, okay? I know you are pissed but later, well, later maybe you’ll know that this was for the best”

“So you say”

“Yeah”

“FUCK You!”

He turned and ran up the hill, pushing past Dakota’s dad and past his own father who stared at him with his mouth open. He had heard some of what was being said and he didn’t know what to do. His eyes looked at Dakota’s father with a puzzled look and all he could get was a deep sense of sadness. Something had gone on but he didn’t know exactly what. He saw his son rushing past with tears streaming down his face and all he could think of was how much he wished he had never heard of this Dakota or their whole twisted family.

Without a word he turned and followed his son away from the two others. He didn’t know what had happened but inside he felt a bit relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about coming home tomorrow to find out if his son had been beaten up or not. At least for now he wouldn’t have to worry all night if his son would be hurt or if he was using proper precautions when with that boy. He shook his head as he trudged along the manicured grass feeling thankful on the one hand, angry and hurt on the other.

This whole gay stuff was too much to comprehend. Part of him was relieved at the turn of events while an other part was outraged. Didn’t that Dakota boy know what he was missing out on? Didn’t he know how good of a person his son was? Well it was his loss and not Noah’s and he knew that he would have a tough time trying to explain that to Noah. God why was life so damn hard on the kids?

Gary watched Noah and his father leave. His heart felt heavy as he turned from them to stare over at his own son. Part of him felt relief and yet even as he tried to make it seem okay, he knew deep down that what Dakota had done was a mistake, even perhaps wrong. There was no doubt that Dakota was confused and scared but still, Noah had been a bright spot in his life until he had to face reality. Now he had turned that bright spot away, and for what? It was only postponing reality because eventually his son would be found out, didn’t he know that?

“Son…”

“Please dad, not now”

“No, I am sorry, I know you are hurting…”

He just wanted to run, to run and keep on running until his legs gave out. Why did he have to be here, why did he have to go through all this? Wasn’t it bad enough that he just ruined whatever hope he ever had at being happy? Wasn’t it enough that he had hurt the one person who loved him for him? God wasn’t it bad enough to have lost his brother, but now this?

“Dad Please! Not now”

“Dakota, you can’t run from it”

“I can try”

“At what cost son?”

“Any cost”

“Even your soul?”

“I have no soul”

“No?”

“No”

“Then why are you crying?”

He stared up at his father who had slowly made his way down to where he had been standing. He could feel the love in the man’s face and he wished he knew what to do, it felt so hard to be who he was. Why didn’t it feel better now? Why was he crying?

All he wanted was to be happy, to not have to worry about what he said or how it might be taken. He just wanted to run and laugh like anyone else, to feel the love of someone and to love someone. Why did it have to be a guy? Why did he have to be different? Wasn’t it enough for God to have made Montana that way, why did he have to make him that way too? He didn’t want to be gay, he just wanted to have what everyone else had and now he knew that he never would. There would be no walks in the woods, no hugs when he felt sore or hurt, no kisses to help make the day seem brighter and all because he was a coward. All because all he could think of was himself but how could he love Noah if he couldn’t love himself? How could he stand up for Noah and him when he himself didn’t want to be gay?

Gary reached out and gently tilted up his son’s chin, looking him in the eyes and he could see the pain deep within him. He could feel his pain now and it made him tremble as he put his hand on Dakota’s shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his forehead. He let the tall blonde boy fall into his arms and he could feel the sobs as the tears that flowed from his son’s eyes drenched his shirt.

His arms wrapped around the trembling figure and he felt Dakota’s own arms suddenly close around his waist. He felt their strength as they dug deep into his body and held on as if life itself depended it. The deep sobs only told him how much agony his son was in and he looked upwards, wishing he knew what to do. His lips parted slightly as he prayed silently, begging God to give him the strength and wisdom on what to do for his son. He felt his own tears now rolling down his face as he too hung on, knowing that it was no longer in his control.

The Locker – Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Saturday

11:40 p.m.

He could hear his mother in the kitchen as he stared back at his father, seeing something in his eyes but not sure what it was. At first it looked like maybe hate, or anger but then it didn’t feel that way. For a second or two he thought it might even be something like understanding or maybe just wanting to understand. All he knew for certain was that his father had yanked him away from what should have been the best night of his life, the first time when he really felt happy. His own anger was real, he could feel it bubbling away inside churning his stomach.

Nothing really made much sense to him; so many different things were running thru his mind as he sat there, waiting for the shoe to fall. All he knew was that he wouldn’t accept it, that no matter what his parents said he would see Dakota again and they would be together. How he wasn’t sure of, but inside where it mattered he knew it would happen. His face grew sombre as he felt the tension rising, felt his father’s anger or confusion or whatever the hell it was that his dad was feeling reaching for him.

His eyes lifted upwards to stare at the man he called dad. Noah could see the anger flash in the eyes but also he felt the confusion now. It was like his father was waging some inner fight, some war or something and yet he couldn’t quite figure out what it was that had him so pissed. Okay, so his son was gay, why should that matter or make him any less his son? Did who you sleep with really change who a person was? Didn’t his dad understand that who he was right now, this very second, was still the same person he had been this morning?

Okay it maybe was a shock, maybe he should have talked to them about what he was feeling and stuff like that. Trouble was how did you go to your parents and tell them that hey I like guys not girls? Man he could just see the reaction that would have gotten, still maybe he should have thought about it a bit more, tried to find a way to tell them. Noah sat there, his head lowered once more as he tried to figure out why it was so hard for everyone to believe and accept? Would they be this angry with him if they had found out he was having sex with some cheerleader? He kind of doubted they wouldn’t, in fact he kind of thought his dad would be proud, chest out and all while at the same time telling him to be careful, to use condoms but he would be happy inside, so why was this so different?

In some ways Dakota was a catch, hell the guy was hot plus he was an athlete, so why should his father make it seem dirty, seem wrong? It wasn’t like he woke up and said ‘hey I want to do guys now’ or some other shit. He had always felt this way but it wasn’t until just now that he realized exactly what it was he was feeling. Couldn’t his parents understand that or were they so old they couldn’t?

Christ he had to be nuts he thought. What difference did it make what or why, he was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and here he was, sitting moaning about maybe he should have talked to them first or something? Fuck was he already giving in or accepting the blame for this? His heart ached as he sat there, afraid that maybe he wouldn’t be able to talk his way out of this, but then he scolded himself for even thinking like that. He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did he feel guilty? Why did loving another guy need to be such a secret? If it was some girl, he’d have mouthed off without any trouble, any worry really and they wouldn’t have been shocked, wouldn’t have been pissed or angry or anything, so was it wrong? Was he really doing something unnatural as some of those on the news said?

“Noah?”

“What?”

“I am waiting for an answer son”

“Oh… “

“That’s it?”

“I guess”

Nathan stared at his son’s face, seeing the resentment in his eyes. He could even feel the animosity, something he never expected to feel coming form his own flesh and blood, not from his Noah. There was something very different about Noah, something that made him pause, made his heart slow its wild angry beat as he tried to figure it all out. It just didn’t make any sense to him, how a perfectly normal teenage boy could suddenly be queer?

“Look, being insolent isn’t going to help you, now I asked you a civil question young man and I expect a proper answer”

Somehow he never quite expected this moment to be like this. For starters he figured his mother would be in tears and his father would be shouting and waving his fists in the air like a madman. None of that was happening so far which made him uneasy. It wasn’t going like all the stuff said it would, the books and articles he had managed to find. There was no temper tantrums though his father’s face certainly looked it would burst at times. It was all rather calm considering which only made his heart quicken its beat more. The shoe had to fall, there was no way that his dad would take this calmly or quietly. For the first time he grew frightened, wondering what he would do if they tossed him out, wondering where he would go or where he could go.

The idea that he might suddenly be out on the street only got his anger hotter. Why couldn’t they just accept who he was? What difference was it to them anyways, they had their lives and all he wanted was his. Why should they feel they could tell him who he cared for and who he didn’t? Couldn’t they see he was the same Noah, the same son he always was? Did being gay and them knowing suddenly change that? His anger was boiling as his eyes narrowed. He stared at his father’s demanding face as he spoke in a short clipped voice.

“Fine, Yes I am angry, yes I am mad, what did you expect? You think I am still some 2 year old or something. I am not. I am not going to stop seeing him either”

“No one… damn it Noah, why are you making this so hard?”

“ME? What about you and Mom? Yanking me away like I was some 5 year old who dropped his pants, I am 16, I know what sex is”

“Do you? I doubt that, and we didn’t yank you, we have… we needed to, I mean…”

He had never seen his father this confused before. It was seeing a whole new person right in front of him but he didn’t look any different. He still had that same face, the same piercing eyes, the same way of standing when he was angry, yet he looked and sounded so different. It felt strange to him, to realize that something he did had caused this change. For a minute or two he felt sorry for his father then the image of being ordered into the car flashed before him. The anger rose up as he glared even harder. His hands clenched at his side as he spoke, recalling the humiliation he had endured at this man’s hands only a short time earlier.

“Yes? You needed what? To find out if your precious son is a fag? Well HE IS! So now what? Lock me in my room? Send for a shrink? What?”

“With that attitude you just may spend some time alone in your room…”

“Fine, I’ll go now then, at least there I won’t have to listen to any of this”

“You SIT DOWN! NOW!”

“WHY?”

The insolence was too much for him. Something inside snapped as his face grew hot and his hands balled up into fists. His anger was boiling over as he glared back at the defiant stare of his son. Didn’t the kid realize who was the parent here? Didn’t he realize that he was the transgressor? They had been to lenient with him, that was the problem. They should have disciplined him more when he was younger, this was the thanks you got for trying to be a caring parent, insolence. His voice snapped as he raised his voice, hearing its loud shrill tone echo across the room.

“I AM STILL YOUR FATHER… NOW SIT!”

“Fine, but it isn’t going to do any good, you can’t change how I feel, no more than you can change who I am.”

“I don’t… who said anything about changing you? Damn, where do you get all this? Did that… that boy tell you all this? Did he?”

“His name is Dakota”

“Fine, whatever, did Dakota tell you all this?”

“NO, he didn’t tell me anything, I came up with this all on my own”

“How? You can’t know, I mean… shit…”

“Nathan!”

His wife’s voice startled him as he turned to stare at her. She stood there, her eyes wide open in shock at the scene before her. He could feel her fear too as she looked at him, almost pleading with him to make this all go away, but how? He wished it would to, wished with all his heart that she hadn’t heard Noah earlier, wished she hadn’t gone and talked to the boy’s mother. Trouble was, she had and now he had to deal with it. He couldn’t just ignore it not if he truly loved his son.

“What? I am sorry, but he’s only 16, how can he know?”

“I don’t know, but can’t we just all sit down and discuss this rationally? I mean, we are supposed to be a family…”

“I am sorry, you are right, Noah, look, son, let us just, discuss this like your mother says, okay?”

“Fine, but… fine”

The silence was deafening to her as she watched the rigid stance of her husband and the angry stares of her son. How could their loving family suddenly be torn apart like this? What was it about a boy’s thinking he was gay that could turn loving father and son into enemies? It was only last weekend when the two of them had surprised her and squirted her with the garden hose, laughing and giggling like schoolgirls and now look at them? Could Noah thinking he was gay cause all this in such a short time? If it did, then they had to put a stop to it, she couldn’t live like this.

“Noah, your father and I, we are just trying to look out for your best interests, all this, this talk of uh, of…”

“Being queer?”

He had been about to sit down when his son had said that word. For the life of him he didn’t know why but the sound of that word infuriated him. It was like a red flag or something as he spoke up harshly, commanding the respect that his son should have been showing them both automatically. Hell his own father would have knocked his block off if he had dared talk to him like this. Didn’t Noah realize how lucky he was to have parents who didn’t believe in such things? Couldn’t he see that they cared? Was he that blind or that hoodwinked by some fancy talking horny teenager?

“Noah knock it off, how are we supposed to know what words to use? This is new to us, we never, I never, I mean…”

“Never thought your own son would turn out to be a fag? That’s what you mean isn’t it”

“DAMN IT YES! Okay? Happy now?”

“Nathan…”

“I am sorry dear, but he wants to provoke me, I don’t know, what is it Noah, this what your, your friend suggested? Attack the people you love? Is that it?”

Love? Is that what they called this treatment? Dakota loved him; at least he didn’t force him to do things he didn’t want to. Why couldn’t they see that he wasn’t bad, they didn’t even know him and yet they were judging him. It wasn’t fair and Dakota wasn’t here to defend himself. Noah could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up as his father’s words struck home. His anger grew hotter as he glared and yelled back.

“NO! Stop making it out like he is some creep, he cares for me, more than you seem to”

It felt like someone had struck a knife into her chest. The anger was so real, so harsh and it didn’t make sense. Why did he suddenly feel like they were against him? Her mind couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to her sweet baby boy and then she glanced at her husband, saw the exact same anger on his face too and she grew frightened. She couldn’t explain it but she felt like her whole world had suddenly exploded in her face. This wasn’t how she imagined it would be as she tried once more to bring peace to the room.

“Noah! How can you say that about your father and me? We raised you, we have always cared for you, maybe you are just too confused right now”

“NO, I am not!”

“Son, you are only 16, how can you know if you are… if you are gay?”

“I just do! Tell me something, would we even be having this talk if Dakota was a girl?”

“Well… no, we wouldn’t, doesn’t that tell you something son?”

“Yeah, tells me that there are two standards, one for all normal types, another for us fags”

It seemed like his son wanted to push the buttons, wanted to anger him and he knew he shouldn’t argue, shouldn’t yell back but he couldn’t help himself. Every part of his body was on edge and the pain in his chest was growing too as he looked into the angry face of his son. How dare he, he thought as his mind tried to make sense, tried to figure out why his son was acting this way. At the same time he couldn’t explain why the harsh angry words struck such a discord inside either. Why should the words queer or fag upset him so much? Could he really believe deep down that Noah was gay and so those words offended him because they most certainly offended his son? Was he that willing to accept Noah being that?

“STOP That! Damn it Noah I don’t want to hear that talk, we are trying, the least you can do is try as well”

“Trying? Trying to what Dad? To convince me to change?”

“Well, I suppose… no, I don’t know, maybe to help your mother and me understand, to uh…”

“I can’t change who I am dad. I am gay, okay? That is who I am”

“Noah dear, how can you know that? You haven’t gone on any dates, I mean, maybe you just think you are because, well because you are shy, and maybe…”

It felt strange to be sitting here and seeing their faces, listening to them as they tried to figure out why he was gay. When did he know he was gay? Was it last week or was it years ago? How could he explain to them when he didn’t know himself? It wasn’t like he woke up one day knowing he was this way but that was what they wanted to hear, hell it was what he’d like to hear as well. Trouble was, he just didn’t know when it happened. All he knew for certain was that he was gay, that girls did nothing for him and boys did. Could it really be that simple and if so, how the hell was he going to explain that to them?

“Come on mom, you know that isn’t true, I just don’t like girls, why is it so hard for you both to accept that?”

“For starters son, because this is the first we have heard of it, why didn’t you come to us before this? Why did your mother have to find out by… I mean did you expect us to find out and just say nothing?”

“No, I guess not, but…”

“But what son? We are your parents, haven’t we always told you that you could come to us with anything? Haven’t we always tried to listen, aren’t we now?”

“Sure, after you dragged me away, you could have waited till I got home tomorrow, you didn’t have to come and embarrass me like you did”

“Embarrass you? Christ… how do you think I felt? Coming home and hearing you are out with some guy, that you were planning to have sex? How do you think I felt?”

“So what, you are saying if I had told you about Dakota and me, you would have let me go?”

“Hell No! oh shit, I don’t know… maybe but no, probably not”

She saw the sudden tensing of Noah’s body and grew alarmed. All this talk about being gay was unnerving to her and as much as she had tried to understand it, she just couldn’t grasp it. How could her son be gay? Her husband was all man, even now after so many years of marriage he still could make her weak at the knees, so how could Noah be gay? It sure as hell didn’t come from her or Nate, so from where did he pick this up?

Her eyes were brimming with tears as she tried to play peacemaker once again. It wasn’t easy either as she realized that in some way she just wanted to send Noah to his room and lock the door until he came to his senses. Another part of her wanted to shake him and make him see sense. It was all to confusing but this was her family, her husband and her son so she sighed and leaned forward, desperate to ease the tension between her two men.

“Noah, what your father is trying to say is that, well, we would have wanted to discuss this with you more, and that, well, maybe for now we would have preferred you not to go, right Nathan?”

“No Rachel, it isn’t like that, I don’t get this, Noah you never, how can you be that way? You played sports, okay so you weren’t good at it, still you played it, you watch the Monday night game with me, how can you be gay?”

“Gee I don’t know Dad, didn’t know being gay meant I couldn’t enjoy football or sports, sorry”

Just for a brief instant he wanted to reach out and slap the smug insolent look off his son’s face. That thought scared him more than the idea of Noah being gay did and he shivered a little, feeling the fear inside growing. How could he even think of striking his boy? Was he that sick inside, that angry that he could dare to think of something like that? It frightened him to the point that he leaned back in the chair, his hands digging hard into the arms of the chair, a desperate effort to keep them still.

“That isn’t what I meant, why are you twisting everything Noah? This is hard enough son, please…”

“Me twist everything? What about you and Mom? You think because I like football I can’t be gay? What, you figure gays only like what, knitting and cooking, playing with Barbie dolls or something?”

She had seen Nate’s sudden move backwards and it made her heart skip a beat or two. She suddenly saw stark fear in his face and it made her blink as she wondered what it was he had been thinking. She followed his eyes towards her son’s face and it dawned on her how serious this was. Her own anger suddenly flared up as she fought for the same control her husband had fought for.

“Noah, settle down, your father is trying to understand, so am I and quite frankly, I really don’t know what it is gays like, I never, I never thought about it I guess”

“Either have I mom, all I know is I am gay, I really don’t like girls, I know that you don’t believe me, I am sorry, maybe I should have told you all this sooner, but how? Walk up to you one night and say hey mom and dad I am gay, see you later?”

“No of course not, and I guess it has to be hard to say that, but how do you know Noah? You are only 16, like your mother said, you are shy, maybe you are just mistaking that awkwardness around girls for being, well for being gay”

“Dad it isn’t like that, I don’t… I mean…”

“Go on, what? Tell us?”

“I can’t, I mean, this isn’t… it isn’t the way you think”

At last something he thought as he hunched forward, seeing the sudden easing of his son’s shoulders. He looked like his son now, no more hatred burning in his eyes or was that merely wishful thinking? Nathan peered closer and realized that maybe it wasn’t hatred he had been seeing but fear? Could his son be so afraid of him that he was acting out? Could he be so frightened that they wouldn’t understand him that he was pushing out of fear? It made him pause, weighing his words when his wife broke the silence, her own tearful voice cutting into his heart.

“Noah we are your parents, you can tell us, how do you know? Please, your father and I, we are here for you, can’t you see that?”

“I suppose, it is just… it isn’t what you think…”

“Then enlighten us, you have the floor, tell us, why are you certain you are gay?”

“Okay… cause I … do I have to? Dad… not with mom, hell… sorry, but…”

“Just spit it out, go on”

“Fine, cause I know, I mean, I have tried, honest, I didn’t want to be this way, I can’t help it…”

“Noah, you aren’t…”

“I am trying to, you ever talk to your dad and mom about sex? Was it easy?”

“No, it wasn’t, but my father did talk to me about things, it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he did…”

“Yeah well think how it would be if you were me? If it was hard for you and him to talk about what everyone says is normal, well…”

“Okay so it is harder, shoot me, I didn’t make up the rules of society, I am trying to understand.”

“I know okay?

The silence seemed to thunder in his ears as he stared first at his father and then his mother. He could feel their eyes peering at him, almost desperate really in their desire to understand. It kind of felt good but it still terrified him as he looked down at his feet. How do you say these things to your parents he wondered and then he heard Dakota’s voice in his ears. He could hear him telling him how he had been afraid of his dad, how after Montana and how as afraid as he was, he found his father was even more afraid. Strange, you never really thought a parent could be frightened of anything; they always seemed to have the answers didn’t they?

Noah stared up at his father from under his lowered head and he could see it now, see that his father was frightened just like he was. In some odd way it gave him a sense of courage as he tried to form the words. His body shivered as he glanced back to his feet, feeling the fear inside. It felt like this was becoming the worst day of his life instead of it being the best but he knew he had no choices left. He wanted Dakota, wanted to smell him now and to touch him and he couldn’t do that unless he convinced them. With that he found his voice.

“I feel different inside, when I see a girl or a guy I feel different, guys do things, I uh, I have never felt that way about girls, I have tried, honest… I have”

Panic tore at his heart as he heard the words, not understanding them for what they were. All he could think of was the hideous news reports about this molester and that one. His anger rose up too as he wanted to kill in that instant, not his son but the vile creature who had touched his son. His voice rose two octaves as he leaned forward in the chair, ready to pounce as he had to know, had to find out who.

“Guys do things to you? What guys? Are you saying that…”

Noah saw the wild look in his father’s face and for a moment he didn’t understand it. He turned towards his mother and saw the exact same look on her face and then it dawned on him. His heart raced a little and for some weird reason he felt a strange warmth deep inside of him, knowing that despite all that was going on, his parents still did love him, they just didn’t understand him.

“No, no not that, I mean inside, when I see a guy on television or such, like how you get when you see those movie stars, that one you like, what’s her name? Zeta Jones or something?”

“Well she is an attractive lady, but…”

“For you she is, not to me, to me she is just a she, for me it is the kid who plays Ephraim on Everwood or the guy who plays the cop on 7th Heaven… don’t you see? The girls, they don’t do it for me like they do for you, it is the guys, that’s how I know, I mean they, they uh, they are what I think of, when, well, you know… when… it is how I always knew I guess, it was how I thought I knew I was different, well how I used to think I knew”

“Used to? I don’t…”

“Yes”

He couldn’t believe his ears. This couldn’t really be happening to him and his family. It all had to be some cruel joke or something but as he stared at his son’s face he knew instantly it was real. His heart twisted and turned as he tried to comprehend the cryptic words. Nathan’s body shook as his mind tried to fathom it all, to make sense out of something that made no sense. He had never for a second thought that Noah was gay or even thinking about such things. How could he have not seen all this? How could he have missed the signs?

“Are you, I mean, you and this Dakota, you two uh, you uh”

“Yes”

She finally realized what her son had said and his soft quiet answer only shook her more. Her hands flew to her face as he felt the stinging tears running down her face. How could this have happened so quickly? She thought they had gotten there in time, that the sounds she had heard hadn’t been from… God she couldn’t even say the words to herself as she cried out in stunned amazement.

“My God!”

“Don’t you know the risks? His brother died from AIDS for Christ Sake, how could you and he… how could you even…”

For a brief moment he thought they understood him, but looking at their faces now only made him feel more miserable than before. He felt so alone, so afraid and yet even as his father’s shocked voice shook out in the room, he felt the anger inside. They were always so quick to say they would understand but look at them he thought? Now all they wanted to do was blame Dakota, to make it all someone else’s fault.

Noah wasn’t sure which way to turn now. His mother was crying and his father looked so white that he thought he might pass out, only adding to his misery. Why couldn’t they just accept him for what he was? Why was it such a big deal to them? Least they were trying, he had to admit that which only confused him more. On one hand they seemed willing to listen, then when he tried to tell them they seemed ready to explode. He sighed as he tried one more time to explain it, to make them see it his way.

“It was my decision, not his… I wanted to, I still do, it is all I can think of even now, don’t you see Dad? I am gay, nothing you or mom can say is gonna change that, whether you understand it or not, it is who I am, and right now, he is who I want to be with, just like you and mom are… how can that be wrong?”

“How? My God I’ll tell you how, you are confused, my God Noah you are just a child, you can’t know about these things, you are too young, there are a lot of things at stake here, for starters there is the health risk, but put that aside, my God what do you think all your friends are going to say or do when they find out?”

“I won’t tell them”

How simple kids looked at life he thought as the thoughts raced thru his mind. He could see it all happening as if he was there and it terrified him. He could lose his boy, didn’t Noah see that? This wasn’t some joke, some game, these kids would haunt him until he left school, they left, or worse, something bad happened for which there would be no coming back from. God couldn’t he see that?

“You can’t hide it from them, that kind of secret, they’ll find out, what then?”

“Then I guess you’ll get your monies worth from all that extra health insurance!”

In her mind’s eye Noah was still her baby, still her sweet little boy. When had he grown up and why hadn’t she seen it happening? Looking at him now, she saw the firm set of his jaw, the spark deep in his eyes when he spoke about Dakota and yes, even the insolence that flared every few minutes. He had grown up, no longer her little baby. Still, she couldn’t help but think of him that way, wishing he still was even. The sadness inside grew as she also realized that this was just one of many possible problems that would now confront her and Nathan. Noah’s smart mouth was something she had never seen before and it angered her. Couldn’t he accept that they were the adults and he the child? Didn’t he know that they only wanted what was best for him?

“Noah! That isn’t called for.”

“Why? I know what dad is really saying, it isn’t about my friends, he knows I don’t have that many friends, what he means is what will his friends and yours say, what will the neighbours say, right dad?”

“That isn’t true, tell him Nathan”

Just for a second, one tiny second he felt a strange sense of pride in the boy. All this gay stuff had at least done something positive, it had given Noah a new sense of courage that he could see in his face, hear in his voice. Funny how these things worked out and as he stared at his son, he realized that it was time to stop thinking of him as just a boy. If what he had implied was true, Noah was becoming a man a lot faster than they wanted but a man is what he was starting to become.

His own instincts wanted to reach out and hold him, to slap him on the back even but his mind was still reeling from the consequences that Noah didn’t seem to appreciate. If he lied to him, made out like how their own circle might react he knew in his gut it wouldn’t help. There was no choice but to be as honest with him as he was trying to be with them. Nate knew that his wife might not like it, but what choice did they have?

“No, he is right, partly, yes I do worry about what they will say, you are too young to understand, but it matters, what I do out there is what pays the bills for you young man, and this, this can effect on how I do that job or how others will let me do it, so yes, I worry what they will say, but I worry more about what your school mates will say and do, I don’t want to see you get hurt, and if they find out and they will Noah, you can bet on that, then you will get hurt and I can’t stop it, don’t you see that? I would give my right arm to keep you safe, but when you go and do something so stupid as this… of course it makes me mad, angry, what did you expect?”

“Nathan how can you say that?”

“Rachel it is the truth, would you have me lie to him?”

“No but, you don’t have to be so harsh”

“I don’t mean to be, Rachel you don’t fully understand how serious this is, not just for him, but for us too. Did you stop and think about that Noah? Did you stop for one second and think about how this would effect your mother and me?”

It wasn’t that his dad looked angry, if anything it was like he was actually scared which was something he never thought his father could be. Weird to see that in his face, how his eyes would move to his mother and then to him and each time they looked so pained, so afraid. It made his own heart ache a bit as he wondered if maybe there was something to what his dad was saying.

“No, not really, but it isn’t about you or mom…”

“But it is son, you have no idea how cruel people get, they might not just be satisfied with painting your locker this time around, they might target your mother when she goes shopping, this house at night when we are sleeping, it isn’t just you Noah, it is all of us, and not just us either, what about Dakota? Do you think they will leave him out of this or his family? He and his sister have to go to that school too, did you think about that?”

“Of course I did, but… I mean they wouldn’t do anything to you or mom, or the house, okay they might do more to me, I know that I guess, but maybe they won’t and besides, if they don’t know they won’t”

Neither of them seemed to grasp how serious this was. His own mind was having trouble fathoming it but as the man of the house it was his responsibility to make them understand. Noah was young, he lived in a world where youth was supreme and trouble always came to someone else, never to them. Trouble was that just wasn’t true. Trouble came to everyone and he could already see some of his neighbours faces if they ever found out, he could see his house covered in graffiti at best.

Looking at his son and then his wife he knew they didn’t see it. He knew that each time she went shopping to the mall she would run the risk of some wise ass, run the danger of being taunted to the point where she would not want to leave the house. And that was a best-case scenario too. He could just see some of those kids that hung out at the mall, how they would think nothing of jostling her as she walked by or even of damaging the car. No, they just didn’t understand how dangerous this was.

“They will know, you can’t hide it, my God Noah they already suspect you from just you being in that stupid play last year, do you really think they won’t guess more?”

God he wished that Dakota were here. He had at least gone thru this; he would know what to say. Thinking of him helped some and also hurt too. Why hadn’t Dakota tried to hold him back, why had he let his father take him from him? Was he that scared of the things that his father was telling him? Noah didn’t believe all the horror stuff, least he thought he didn’t.

Looking at his father’s face though, he could see that he wasn’t making it up; it was really how he felt. Somehow he just couldn’t see any of the kids he knew attacking his mom shopping or coming to the house and doing stuff to it. They might tease him at school or even at the mall, but that would be it, wouldn’t it?

Everything was happening too fast for him to fully grasp it all. His head ached from all the thinking and his body ached too, from thinking that it might never again know the joy of being touched by Dakota. His emotions were all jumbled because his parents had never told him to quit before. They always wanted him to try harder and to never give up, yet right now it seemed like that was exactly what they were saying. It was all so confusing to him as he sat there, his head bowed and his heart aching.

Christ when he had found out that he had to wear a dress last year, his father hadn’t told him to quit, but instead told him to suck it up and not let the idiots stop him from doing what he liked, from being a part of the drama club. Strange, back then when his father thought he was normal he pushed him to go on, now here he was trying to get him to hide who he was? It just didn’t make sense, why should he hide now? What had changed that made this less worthy of fighting for?

“So what? I am supposed to just cave in, just ignore how I feel?”

“No, but are you sure it is real? Maybe you are mistaking this boy’s lifestyle as your own, maybe it isn’t anything more than simple experimentation, because you are maybe more, oh hell I don’t know, maybe because he is a boy, maybe you just feel more comfortable around him so when the idea of sex came up, well…”

“Do you really think I just woke up and decided to be this way? Do you know how many nights I would lay awake and try to make girls excite me, try to make them my dreams? I can’t tell you how many times I bit my lip cursing these thoughts, how many times I would shower hoping to wash them away even.”

It was like a hot dagger slicing his heart into tiny pieces of raw meat as the pain in his chest only grew with each tortured word that his son spoke. His eyes filled with tears as he realized the pain his son must have been enduring all this time and he, the father, the man who was supposed to be looking out for his boy hadn’t a clue. Nathan sat there feeling like a total failure.

How could he have not seen his own boy’s pain? Couldn’t he have noticed and then said something? His eyes were misted as he realized that there was so much he didn’t know about Noah, so much that he had missed which only made his heart ache even more. Nathan had always thought he was a good father, a responsible parent and yet in the greatest time of need he had failed his son. The ache inside grew as he felt his failure.

“I didn’t’ know, how could either of us have known? You never told us or even gave us a hint of how you were feeling.”

“How could I? It isn’t like there is some manual out there telling you how to tell your parents you are gay, hell most of what is out there only makes you want to not tell them. There is no one I could have talked to, if I went to the Pastor he would tell me I am some godless evil person, if I told Rusty or some of the kids, well we know how that would have gone over, so what was I supposed to do? Who could I talk to? Couldn’t go the neighbours could I? Who could I ask?”

“Well you seemed to have found someone”

“Yeah and he thinks we should not see each other too, because he doesn’t want me hurt either, everyone is so worried about me getting hurt, well if I can’t see him, that will hurt a lot more than anything anyone can do to me, I am gay, I can’t help it, why should I have to deny that? Just so your boss or the guys at the office won’t mess with you? Why?”

“It isn’t that simple, it can effect promotions, how much I earn to pay those insurance premiums you talk about, to pay for this house, those clothes you are wearing… so it is a big deal”

“Then screw them, find another way, Mr Northwood did”

“It was different for him, I don’t want that to happen to your mother, or to me, because… because if it does… it means you will have died like their son, I don’t want that”

“What difference does it make? I might as well be dead if I can’t be who I am, if I can’t be with Dakota”

“Stop that, you know that isn’t true, you will get over him, he’s just a crush, a schoolboy crush is all…”

The words felt like a match to dry paper. His whole body grew rigid as he glared at his father’s face, ignoring the pain etched across it. All he could think about was how unfair they were being. The way he felt about Dakota wasn’t like a crush, it was something more but they were too blind to see it. It was his fault maybe; he just didn’t know how to explain it so even they could understand. Panic set in as he felt that he was losing, that what he felt for Dakota would be taken from him.

“NO HE ISN’T!”

“Noah sit down! Look son, maybe you think you are in love, but…”

“But what? You don’t think two guys can love each other like a guy and girl can? Well they can! I love him, I DO!”

To be honest he felt out of his depth. How could any two guys feel for each other what normal people felt? It wasn’t natural so how could it be the same? Noah was only 16, how could he know what real love felt? He sighed a little knowing that he was dealing with teenage hormones and romantic notions that simply were fantasies. How could Noah feel for this Dakota like he thought? Christ from what Rachel had told him they only met last Monday.

“Noah you are 16 God Damn It, you can’t love anyone, girl or guy”

“Why not? You always talk about how you knew Mom was the only girl for you when you were in Junior High, you went steady since you were 15 and got married in college, so why can’t I know? Why can’t it be for me like it was for you?”

“BECAUSE HE IS A HE! That is why, it was different for us, your mother, well… she…”

“She was a she?”

“Yes, yes that is right, it is different”

“No it isn’t dad, it is the same, you just think because Dakota is a guy he can’t feel for me what I feel for him, that what we feel for each other isn’t the same as what you and mom felt, that’s the real reason, hasn’t a thing to do with age or anything, just prejudice”

“Okay, maybe it is, maybe you are right, but you are too young Noah, my God son, do you realize what you are facing if we let this continue?”

“You can’t stop me, no one can”

“Yes, we can Noah, if I have to move us to Alaska I will, is that what you want me to do?”

“Nathan, I am not moving to Alaska”

“Oh for Christ’s sake Rachel, we aren’t moving, but I’ll be damned if some son of mine is going to tell me what he will or won’t do, as long as he lives under this roof, he will abide by our rules, and that Noah is how it is”

There it was, just like all the stories had said it would be. The threat, the final solution for parents who thought they could change what is. How could they feel this way? Noah looked at his father’s face and then his mother’s. He could see the tears rolling down her cheeks and the red growing around her eyes. There was fear in those eyes too and yet he wasn’t sure if it was for him maybe being forced out or just out of having to deal with all this. That was the trouble, he wasn’t sure and yet in his heart he felt he was. He felt that he couldn’t live without Dakota but more than that, he didn’t think he could go on pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Couldn’t they understand that? Why did they feel he had to be the way they wanted him to be, hell it wasn’t really like he had wanted to be gay, it just was that he was.

“So what, I become a good straight little boy or I get the boot?”

She was frightened and could feel her legs trembling as both Noah and Nathan seemed bent of tearing each other apart. The words maybe were a bit harsh but they were both agitated, both upset. Nathan couldn’t mean it, couldn’t let their boy leave, not like this. Sure he would eventually leave, but she always believed it would be to college and then to be with some girl, not like this. Where did she go wrong? What did she do to have missed all this? Her heart ached and the pain felt like it would suffocate her as she tried once more.

“Now Noah your father didn’t mean it that way, did you Nate?”

“Of course not, least not how he said it, look son… I know this is hard for you, it is for both of us too, we just, we just need to know that, well, that this isn’t just a mistake, that you aren’t just jumping at something because you think it is how you are, I don’t know…”

“You don’t get it do you?”

“I guess not”

“I am gay, it isn’t any use pretending it will go away or that it is some childish phase, it doesn’t work that way”

“And this you know how?”

“Same way you knew you were straight, you just know”

Looking at Noah now, he realized that all of his arguments were just words. He could see it in the boy’s face as he spoke about this Dakota, about how he really felt. Noah was right, you couldn’t explain why you felt a certain way but you knew it, deep down you could tell how you felt. It didn’t make sense and as much as he wished it would be different, wished that Noah were mistaken, the way he looked told him otherwise. His son was gay and nothing he could say or do would change that.

Realizing that Noah was gay didn’t ease the fear inside though. Both boys were so young, so vulnerable and someone had to tell them that, had to show them what lay in store for them if they exposed themselves openly. Couldn’t Noah see that? Surely anything he was feeling now couldn’t be half as bad as going through life being teased, whispered about, or worse, threatened?

“Okay, maybe you are, have you thought this through son? Not for us, for you? What about this uh, this Dakota, have you thought about how this could hurt him?”

“I haven’t thought of anything else really, but what can I do? I don’t even know if he will still want me, not after tonight”

In some ways it was like listening to himself years earlier. He looked hard at Noah, seeing the pain deep down in his soul and knowing that pain as if it was his own. Hell it had been his own when he too had doubts, had worried if he was worthy enough for someone except in his case it was for a woman. He at least had friends he could talk to about it, confide in and help him see the truth but as he sat here he realized his son had no one.

Nathan’s heart reached out for his son’s, wanting to hold him and cradle him in his arms but he didn’t move. His eyes looked deeply into Noah’s, feeling the doubts that rested there and all he could do was try to make him understand something for which there really were no words. How do you tell someone that the other person doesn’t always return what you feel deep inside? How do you explain to your own son that what he feels for this Dakota may not be what Dakota feels for him, or worse, that this Dakota isn’t as strong as Noah? What do you do, what do you say?

“Noah, look at me son, look at me… I can’t begin to understand all this, I am sorry son, I don’t, but if what you say is right, if you and this, this Dakota do really have these feelings then what happened tonight won’t change them, and if it does, then son, as much as it may hurt you to admit it, but if tonight changes how he feels for you, then it wasn’t as you thought, I am sorry, but I think you know that too.”

“It is real, I know that Dad, but you don’t get it, there is so much against us, it is hard to know what to do, he is afraid, so am I really, but it just, I mean… it just feels right being with him, how can that be so wrong?”

“I don’t know, maybe it isn’t wrong, maybe it is just that people have been conditioned to think it is, either way you aren’t going to change them, least not those who don’t want to change.”

“Which are you dad?”

“Noah, your father is trying to…”

“It’s okay Rachel, he has a right to ask, and to be honest Noah I don’t know which I am. Part of me wants to shake you until you come to your senses, another part says you are my son and I love you, then there is the part that just plain is scared, for you, for your mother, and yes for myself too and even for your friend. I know you don’t believe that, but it is the honest to God truth. As to which am I? I am here listening aren’t I? That should be your answer, it’s about the only one I can give you for now”

“You aren’t going to throw me out of the house?”

“Throw you out? Have I said that? Of course we aren’t, Noah I get mad, but you are my son, which can never change. Yes I am not happy about this, for a while back there I didn’t like you even, but it didn’t make me stop loving you, that can’t ever change, not if it is real and son, you may not believe it right now, but it is very real, very.”

“And Dakota?”

“I don’t know Noah, there are a lot of issues for your mother and I to discuss, and you too.”

He couldn’t figure it out. The way his father spoke at times he was certain that he was never going to spend another night in his own bed or live in this house again and then there were times like right now. It felt like his father would cry even and several times he had seen tears welling but so far his dad had kept them back. It just didn’t make sense, if his father did accept who he was then why couldn’t he let him see Dakota? Why did there always have to be some conditions set or more talking? He wasn’t going to change how he felt about Dakota, surely they both knew that?

“I won’t stop seeing him Dad, I won’t”

“Then we may have a problem Noah, look, I can’t stop you, I think we both know that, I can make it tough though, and if that is what we decide, well… it is what we will do. This isn’t about you being gay either, not totally, I mean, I don’t really like the idea of you having sex, and I don’t care who it is with, whether it is this Dakota or some girl even, I think at your age you are too young.”

“Did you wait? You were dating mom since you were both 15, did you wait till you were married?”

“What happened between your mother and I isn’t the issue here, this is about you and this boy Dakota.”

“No Nate, It is important, he should know.”

“I don’t see how it makes any difference Rachel, things were different then, we were different…”

“Maybe, in some ways it was easier then, other ways it wasn’t Nate, he needs to know.”

“Fine if that is how you feel”

She gave her husband a weak smile as she turned to face her baby boy. She couldn’t help it but think of him that way even with all this happening. Strange how a mother always thought like that while the men couldn’t wait for the boy to grow up and instead of being a son become a buddy. She had watched the way Nathan had always made it a point to do something each weekend with Noah, knowing that he took pride in each upward move that Noah made. How proud he had been when Noah went from crawling to walking to running. The same pride showed when Noah got his first bike and then when the training wheels came off. Now here he was, taking another step forward only this step was a lot bigger and tougher. Would Nate still feel that pride this time?

“No Noah we didn’t wait, maybe we should have, and at the beginning we did, but no, we didn’t wait till we got married, but we weren’t 16 either, we held out till we were 18”

“Rachel… well, you held out, you are right Noah, I didn’t want to wait, your mother made me though, she wanted to be sure I was the right person, and since then, since before then really, there hasn’t been anyone else for me, but I don’t think you and this uh, this Dakota…”

“Why? Because he’s a guy?”

“Yes I guess, I mean, I don’t know, do two guys love the same way a man loves a woman? I don’t know, do you?”

“No, I guess not really, but it feels like it, least I think it does”

“Think you do? You have to be certain, more certain than your mother and I ever were, my God Noah I read the papers, I watch the television news, I know the risks you and this boy take each time you uh, you uh…”

“Have sex?”

“Yes… have sex. Jesus Noah his brother died from that disease, how can you be certain he isn’t infected, that he won’t infect you?”

“I don’t, he gets tested though, and is clean, I suppose I’ll have to start that too, but it doesn’t matter, I just want to be with him Dad”

“And that is supposed to make it all okay? You want to, that is it?”

“Wasn’t it that way for you and mom?”

“That isn’t the same thing, can’t you see that?”

“All I see is that you don’t want me to be with Dakota, if he was Darlene or something I don’t think you’d be saying all this, would you?”

The room grew silent as his son stared at him. Nathan could feel the eyes boring down on him and he could also feel that Noah believed he already had the answer. Funny, he could fell his wife’s presence too as if she too knew what his answer would be, but they were both wrong. This wasn’t about Noah being gay or not, not when it came to sex and the risks involved.

He had used the same arguments with her that Noah was using now. For almost 3 years he had tried to get her to see it his way but she had refused. Partly from fear of becoming pregnant but mainly from the fear of what her parents would say and do if they ever found out. At least Noah no longer had that to deal with, both sets of parents obviously knew, but that wasn’t what worried him.

The world had changed over the years. Life wasn’t as simple or as black and white as it used to be. There were a lot more disease out there that could ruin a person’s life or worse, end it. How could any parent today be accepting of their child having sex? All the risks out there were too much but even as he could tell what his son felt, he knew in his own heart that he would be just as upset if Dakota was a Darlene.

“Yes I would, surprisingly I would Noah, because maybe the risk for AIDS is less with a ‘Darlene’ than a ‘Dakota’ but there are other risks, such as STD’s, such as pregnancy, which are just as serious, so yes Noah, we would still be having this conversation”

“It’s my choice to make, mine and Dakota’s”

“In the end, yes it is Noah, like I said, there is no way we can stop you from being with him, all we can do is put as many obstacles in your way that we can”

“Will you?”

He wanted to say yes and to end this and yet he also wanted to say no. There was so much at stake here that he didn’t know which way to turn. There was no parent handbook he could do and for a second he knew exactly how his son must have felt all that time, wondering how to tell them. It only made him sadder to realize that his son had gone through such pain but that was then, this was now. How could he just let him do what he wanted? How could he not let him?

“I don’t know, I just do not know, how can I? I don’t know him, and all this gay stuff, it is all very confusing to me”

“So what am I supposed to do? Sit around while you try to figure it out? Cause if you think that is what I’ll do, you are wrong. I am going to see him, tomorrow or the next day or the day after, whenever I can…”

She couldn’t understand his defiance? Didn’t he realize that they were his parents, that they knew so much more than he did about life and all of its complications? Why couldn’t he just accept that and let them do what was best for them all?

“And if your father and I say no? Are you prepared for that Noah?”

In a way he had been expecting this but hearing it come from her shook him a little. His face grew even more sombre as he looked over at her, wondering if she could do what was left unsaid? Could he really fight them on this if they made it plain and simple, do what they said or leave? The fear was there, he could almost taste it in the back of his mouth and then he felt the strange warmth inside, that same warmth he felt when he and Dakota had been together. Suddenly there was no question in his mind about if he could or would he because the answer was in his heart.

“If I have to be, yes I am”

“You have never acted like this before son”

“I never had to I guess, or maybe it is just that, well he is that important to me”

“Seems that way, you know what the consequences can be? I mean really know?”

“I think so, for the most part”

“And still you are willing to risk it?”

“Yes”

Was this how a captain felt when his ship was slowly sinking under him? As much as he wanted to not let his ship sink, as much as he tried to stop the flooding did he know inside that it was useless but still try to change the inevitable? The stubborn look on Noah’s face told him all he needed to know but he refused to accept it. How could he? Wasn’t it part of the job really, to try and make his son see the dangers that laid ahead even if he was unwilling to listen? Could it be a false sense of hope on his part or was he maybe just hoping that if he kept at it long enough some miracle might happen and Noah would see things his way? Whatever it was he couldn’t let it rest, not yet anyhow.

“And what about school?”

“What about it?”

“What if they find out about you and about Dakota?”

“They won’t”

“What if they do Noah? What will you do then?”

“I don’t know, whatever I have to I suppose”

“Can you go through a whole year of being picked on? Can you go through a whole year of not knowing if you are going to be roughed up, teased, called names? Can you?”

When Dakota has said all this it hadn’t sounded quite so horrible but now it did and yet he refused to accept it. For starters neither his dad nor Dakota knew for certain what would happen. Besides that, it was just as likely that no one would even notice or find out, so why should he be so afraid? Okay maybe his dad was right, maybe even Dakota was right about what could happen, but that assumed that they would find out. If he was smart, if he controlled himself no one would find out so their arguments weren’t real, were they?

He couldn’t help feeling the doubts inside but they also made him angry too. Why did everyone have to always assume the worse or think he couldn’t look after himself? Okay maybe he wasn’t Joe macho but he could look after himself. He could throw a punch like anyone else could if it came to that. As for the name calling, wow, like that would stop him? Didn’t his dad get it; he didn’t care about any of that if he knew that at the end of it all he had Dakota to be with? That would make it all okay, just like his dad had his mom. Why did he assume that it would be different for him and Dakota?

“If I have to, I guess”

“You can’t guess, you have to know, this isn’t something you can take back, this isn’t something you can start over, once it is out, it is there for good, it will follow you to college and beyond, are you prepared for that?”

“They won’t find out, and even if they do, so what? I’ll handle it”

“How? Can you defend yourself?”

“Nathan…”

“No Rachel, let it be… well? Can you Noah?”

“I don’t know, I suppose”

“This isn’t like the time Cory and you fought in the sandbox, this is for real Noah, think about it, can you defend yourself? Do you know how to stop someone from hitting you in the head? Do you know how to stop someone from breaking your ribs when they are kicking you?”

“Stop it Nathan, you are scaring him”

“Scaring him? Christ Rachel it is what can happen, what most likely will happen, he has to see it, to know it now… do you Noah? Do you understand all this?”

“Yeah I do, and no I guess I don’t know how to stop someone from kicking my ribs in, or smacking me in the head, but I’ll learn fast enough if I have to”

“Will you? It only takes one time Noah, just like the sex, only one time and you can be left for dead, left a vegetable, do you realize that?”

“Yes, okay? I realize it and no it doesn’t change how I feel or anything either, ‘cept maybe made me more scared, is that what you wanted to hear?”

“No, no it isn’t son, but as angry as you are right now, what I said is real, it is what you can expect, I wish it wasn’t like this, but it is.”

“Well I’ll just be extra careful, so they don’t find out, it isn’t their business anyways”

“No it isn’t, but these things, they have a way of being found out, trust me on that, have you talked about it with uh Dakota?”

“Sort of…”

“And?”

“And what? We talked about it, okay?”

“No it isn’t okay, what did he say? Come on, what did he say?”

There was no way he could tell him what Dakota had said. For sure he’d jump on it and try to use it to keep them apart. He gritted his teeth wishing he hadn’t said what he had but there was no way out. His mind was confused too because he really hadn’t thought it would be like his dad said. Okay maybe he had known it might turn out that way, but Christ this was 2003. It wasn’t the dark ages or anything and besides that, the school wouldn’t let it happen, would they?

“He was scared, so was I…”

Nathan could tell that something wasn’t right, that Noah was holding back something. His heart ached as he had spoken about what could happen but he really believed it would. He couldn’t help but feel that way but the way Noah sidestepped him, kept pushing off what Dakota felt confused him. He had naturally assumed that Dakota had been the one pushing for all this, this gay stuff and sex but now he wasn’t so sure. Could it have been Noah who was the instigator? Was Dakota as sure as Noah? From what Noah was saying he began to have his doubts, wondering if maybe he should find out, if maybe he should talk to Dakota or at least to his father.

“Maybe the two of you need to take some time apart, to think about this, sounds like he does, doesn’t it?”

“NO! I know what you are trying to do, he isn’t that way, he cares about me, it was why he thought we should not see each other, he didn’t want me to get hurt, so see, he does care”

“I didn’t say he didn’t Noah, I just think you have maybe gone a bit too far too fast, maybe you both need a bit of time to cool off, let your minds get over the first flush of excitement, that isn’t asking much is it?”

“Your father is right Noah, you two barely know each other, how can you be so adamant about this, you have only known him for a week or so”

“I know that… But it is like, well like I knew it the second I laid eyes on him, I can’t explain it, I just know, so does he.”

“Noah I am not happy about you and him having sex, I am sorry, I think you are way too young still, and the whole gay thing, has me deeply worried, I know what you say, I know you think you can handle it, but son, when you get hurt, when some kid hits you, and it will happen, it is your mother and me that have to deal with it, not your friend Dakota, us. We don’t want you to get hurt, it is that simple”

“I won’t, besides you always told me a man has to do what he has to do, you are the one who told me to be true to how I feel inside, well that is what I am doing, or didn’t you mean it? Does it only apply if I am straight?”

“Of course I meant it and yes it applies whether you are gay or not, I just know that with you being this uh, this way, there are added problems, and I don’t want you rushing into danger, that is all”

“So I have to hide because some asshole can’t accept me being gay? That doesn’t sound right”

God he wished he could tell him it was different, tell him that the world was full of nice kind thinking people but it wasn’t. Kids shouldn’t have to know these things but you couldn’t not tell them. The world wasn’t a fantasyland, it was very real and at times very cruel, something he wished he could spare Noah but there was no getting around it.

“It isn’t, but it is life”

“Yeah? And how is it supposed to change if I hide? Didn’t you tell me that a man had to stick up for what was right, no matter the cost? Why should I hide, I haven’t done anything wrong”

“No, I guess not, at least in your eyes you haven’t done anything wrong but there are some who don’t see it that way”

“Tough for them”

“No, tough for you because right now they are the one’s calling the shots son, not you”

“Then I’ll change it”

“How? This isn’t like changing channels on a television set when you don’t like the show, this is life, you just can’t wave a wand and presto everything changes”

“So what, I have to not be happy because some religious nut doesn’t like my being gay? Fuck them”

“Noah your language please”

“Sorry mom, it is just that, I know you both mean well, I know that it is kind of scary really, I know all that, but I know that if I don’t do this, if I run and hide like you want, I won’t be much of a person, I sure as hell won’t like me and if I don’t like me, how will anyone else? Say Dakota isn’t the one, say I am wrong about him, how will there ever be a right one for me if I hide now? How?”

“You don’t know that sweetie, besides you are 16, you will have lots of time to…”

“No Rachel, he is right. Damn it he is right, but it doesn’t help any Noah, being right is one thing, paying the price for being right though, that can be a very expensive price and I don’t mean in money son, I mean it can cost you your life, I don’t want that to happen, I’d rather you be alone and sad than dead, I am sorry, but I am your father, I love you, what else can I say?”

Why couldn’t they just love him for who he was? Why did they have to bring up all this hate stuff? Sure it wasn’t fun or nice out there, he had seen the news too but that wasn’t here, wasn’t where he lived. Things were different here, there were laws and stuff to protect him and others who were different, least that’s what the teachers all said. Why did his father have to try and make it out like they lived in a ghetto or something worse? All he wanted or needed was for them to be there for him, wasn’t that what a parent was supposed to do?

“Say that you will stand with me, say, I don’t know, say that you and mom will be there to pick me up if I do get beaten up, that if I do get hurt you will be there, that no matter what I am still your son, that is what you can say”

“I don’t have to Noah, you should know that”

“Then, if that is true why all this?”

“For that same reason son, because you are our son”

“I don’t get it, if none of what happens changes anything, why are you trying to stop me from being who I am?”

“I don’t know if that is what we are trying to do, maybe delay it? Maybe try to make sure it is what you really want, or maybe it is just that we don’t want you to get hurt. I can’t tell you why, I can only tell you that as parents, we only want what is best for you, I don’t think you being involved with a guy, being sexually active at your age is good for you. I am sorry, it is how I feel”

“So, I can or I can’t see Dakota?”

“I don’t know”

“But…”

“Noah, let us sleep on it, please?”

“It won’t change how I feel Dad”

“No, I suppose it wont, but you have given your mother and me a lot to think about, we need the time to digest all this, please, let us just sleep on it and we can pick this up in the morning”

“I can’t, I have to go see Dakota”

“You can talk to us first… then we’ll see after that”

“I am going to see him Dad”

“Noah, tomorrow morning we will finish this, until then, let’s not get into a I will he will kind of thing, okay? I told you, we need some time to think, to talk and to just try and digest all this, okay?”

“I suppose… just as long as you…”

“I know”

He leaned back in the chair as his son slowly stood up and made his way towards the hall. There was no mistaking the hostility in his face or even in how he moved towards his room. You could see it the way his shoulders were set and how he took each careful deliberate step to leave and yet something else was there too. Nathan could see it in the eyes as he saw his son stop at the hall.

There was a brief sagging of his shoulders but Nathan watched with a sense of pride really as Noah collected his thoughts and straightened his stance up once more. He could almost feel the boy’s determination and will as he turned to stare back at them both. The way his face was drawn and white only made his heart twist even more and made the pain a little sharper. He heard his wife sucking in her breath and the small sound of a sob escape her lips as she too stared out at her son.

“I know you both love me and you think you are trying to do what is best, I really do Dad, but you have to know, I love him, it isn’t something I can explain, it is just how I feel inside. You and Mom can sleep on it and we can talk about it tomorrow and the next day and the next, it won’t really make any difference cause I love him that much, so much that nothing is going to change that or keep me from being with him again, guess it is how you were Dad, it took you 3 years, maybe it will take me that long too, but I don’t care how long it takes, I am going to be with him again, I have to.”

Noah turned from them and walked out of the room and down the hall towards his own bedroom. Nathan heard his wife crying but he couldn’t move for the moment. What his son had said echoed within his head and his heart as he too felt the tears finally rolling down his face. His eyes felt heavy like his heart as he glanced upwards, wondering what the man upstairs thought about it all? Even as he wondered he knew what he would do come the morning, the only question was how would Rachel react to his decision? He turned to her now and cocked his head to one side and then slowly he stood up and walked over to her, gathering her in his arms and letting her head rest on his shoulder.

For the first time since he had heard the news about Noah, Nathan felt at peace with himself. At last he had reached a decision and he was calm as he let his wife cry on his shoulders, his own tears rolling unheeded down as his cheeks. Noah was his son no matter what and maybe he had failed him before, but he knew that he couldn’t risk failing him now.

The Locker – Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Arizona

The night was silent as she stood there at the base of the old tree. Her eyes kept glancing upwards, wondering if the guys had heard her right or if she had come too early. A small tear came to her eye as she hoped she had taken enough time to get here, had taken long enough so they could at least finish but then the look on Noah’s parents face had kind of made her want to just get lost, to never find Noah and Dakota but she knew that was being dumb.

“Hey did you hear me Dakota? Noah?”

She struggled to try and keep quiet, to keep her voice from yelling out more things as she waited, hoping that maybe they would pretend not to be there. That might work for a bit but she doubted it, after all everyone had heard Noah’s screams earlier as well as Dakota’s. It was like they had used some megaphone or something and if only Noah’s parents hadn’t been there it might have been a good evening. She was almost certain her dad was going to smile which she would have given anything to have seen. He used to have such a nice smile but it had been ages since he last smiled, never mind laughed like he meant it.

Sure he went through the motions now and then, just to appease her or her mom, but she knew it was phoney. This time though it looked like he just might break one for real which would have really made it a perfect weekend. Now all that seemed ruined and it bugged her. She had started to get those urges again and her mother had noticed, rushing her out of the house to go find Dakota and Noah which had saved the moment. It really wasn’t her fault, the Doctors said she’d grow out of it or at worst it would lessen over time, still that didn’t help her now.

School was pure hell for her because she was petrified that she might slip one day and let it all out and that wasn’t something she ever wanted to happen, but it could. She worried a lot about that and then coming to a new school seemed like maybe she could get through it, until Dakota met Noah. God he was so cute and in a weird sort of way she felt kind of attracted to him even though he was like her brothers.

He had nice eyes, the kind that made her feel all comfy and warm not like those other geeks that hung around Dakota. Jesus he let some really strange types hang around him but he kept telling her it was for show, to keep their secret hidden but she didn’t like it much and besides, it only made her more nervous which wasn’t good. That new kid, Rusty, he had mean eyes and she could tell he didn’t like Dakota being friendly to Noah too which made her wonder a bit about him.

The guy was tall and had real good looks, just like her brother and being a girl, she kind of liked to compare. The more she thought about it, the more she thought that Dakota had the edge even if he walked around with that dumb sad face of his. Mind you, since he met Noah he didn’t seem such a sour puss, which made her happy. She liked it when Dakota was happy and even though she knew that her time with him would be less if he got involved with Noah, she didn’t really mind. Besides, she might be able to sneak a peek sometimes, as she was kind of curious as to what he looked like without his clothes on.

She stomped her feet and glared up at the tree, trying to push away those weird thoughts. Mind you she was having a few other ones like that too which worried her because she doubted if she could control her thoughts if she ever really did fall for some guy. Strange, only when she first saw Noah did she start to wonder what it would be like to have someone other than her brother or parents to care for, and the more she thought about it the sadder she got. Most likely she wouldn’t find out, after all who would want to go out with some crazy girl who couldn’t keep her mouth shut?

“If you guys don’t hurry I am gonna come up there”

“You stay there, we uh, we’ll be right down, geez”

“Hurry up, make sure you put on the right clothes”

“Arizona!”

“Sorry, but hurry, okay?”

“We are, we are”

“Okay”

Arizona leaned against the tree, her eyes open and staring but if anyone was to have been there, to be looking, they would see that she was there but not there. Her mind was off once more, wondering what it was about Noah that made her feel warm and fuzzy and even, well a bit jealous? Was she being perverted or something or was it just that at last she realized that she wanted the same thing Dakota had? Was it that she was tired of all the sadness and that she wanted someone other than Dakota to share things with or was it just a dumb schoolgirl crush on some cute guy? Noah did have that look, that smouldering look that made her heart go skip a beat or two and yet, well it wasn’t quite the way she had thought it would be. Maybe it was just that ever since Montana left he was the first person that seemed to be different, seemed to be more than just a passing friend.

Dakota

The boxers felt a bit tight around his legs and waist as he pulled up his faded denim pants and he knew that he was wearing Noah’s shorts. They felt kind of nice next to him and he knew it wasn’t an accident on his part either. He had taken them and passed his to Noah, knowing they weren’t his simply because he knew what was coming. The instant he heard Arizona screaming that Noah’s folks were here, he knew and the happiness he had been feeling was gone now, gone and he doubted if it would ever return just as he doubted if he would ever have time alone with Noah like this again.

For a minute or perhaps even two he had tried to convince himself that they were here because of some family emergency or something, but deep down inside he knew it was because they had found out. How he wasn’t sure, but they had and that was why they were here. IT was like reliving that first few days when Montana had finally told his parents. God the house was like a war zone one second, then the frozen icebergs of Alaska the next. He didn’t know how any of them had survived it, and maybe the truth was that they hadn’t, least not yet. In some ways the house still felt like they were out on some iceberg in the Alaskan sea or something, alone drifting on the cold waters but it would end, wouldn’t it?

His eyes were moist as he tugged the pants up, buttoning them and wanting to say something, but afraid to, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would break down and cry which he didn’t want to do anymore. He had cried enough but the pain that was inside of him right now was almost unbearable as he reached down to put on his socks. Dakota could smell Noah, that special scent that he had smelled that first day only stronger now and it tore at him as he believed that he would never smell it like this again. He was certain that Noah would disagree but maybe in some ways this was good?

As much as it hurt him to even think it, this would solve their problem about school and while it meant that they wouldn’t be together, least this way Noah wouldn’t be getting the crap kicked out of him, nor would he for that matter. Mind you he wasn’t all that worried, he could take care of himself pretty good but Noah, well, he doubted if Noah had ever been in a fight so it would be harder for him which Dakota just couldn’t stand to think about. The tears were there as he wiped his face in disgust, trying to close off his emotions but failing as each time he breathed, he smelt Noah, felt him really in a way that only made the pain grow stronger inside. It wasn’t fair as he stood there, dressed at last and he knew that he would have to look at Noah, to say something.

“Noah…”

He could hear it in his voice and it ripped into his own feelings like a knife thru butter. The notion of his parents finding out had never been something he had thought much about until the instant Arizona’s voice had intruded telling him they were here. He knew in his heart that somehow they had found out and had come to take him away from Dakota, something he couldn’t bear, or at least something he wasn’t prepared to give up.

Yet listening to the resigned voice calling his name he knew that Dakota had perhaps already given up, had already accepted in a brief few seconds that what they had was over with. How could he love him if he was so quick to give up? It didn’t make sense to him and yet maybe it did? Maybe it wasn’t that Dakota loved him or that he loved Dakota, just that they had found each other and well, they both wanted what the other had, maybe that was all there was to them, but it couldn’t be that, could it?

Even as he thought that he could feel Dakota inside of him and he knew that it was bullshit. Dakota cared for him like no one could care for him and he for Dakota, so why was Dakota so willing to give in so easily? Was he afraid? Did he think he didn’t care enough so why bother? What was it? WHAT?

“Don’t… Don’t Dakota, I know what you gonna say… please… don’t”

“Come on, you can’t…”

“Yes I can… I mean it, nothing, not even them are going to change how I feel or what I want… you do still want me, don’t you Dakota?”

Did he want Noah? Of course he did he told himself and he could feel the warmth even now and yet the whole relationship had happened so fast, so instantly that he wasn’t sure if it was just that Noah was cute and hot or if it really was as he felt it was? Could he have mistaken the look, the feeling or was he just so lonely, so empty that anyone would have done?

He shook his head as his hand slipped into his waist, pushing the band of the boxer shorts a little and he knew Noah wasn’t just some fuck buddy, just some convenient fuck. There was something about him that had made him do what he had, something that he just didn’t quite understand inside his head but something that his heart knew very well. How could that be he wondered as he stared out into the empty night, wishing that Montana was here to help him, to guide him in this but he was alone, just like Noah was.

“Of course I do, shit Noah I have never wanted… it is just that… I know how parents can get, Christ I wish I didn’t but…”

“I can change them, I can make them understand, you’ll see Dakota I will”

“No, you won’t, you can’t…”

Noah felt suddenly afraid, suddenly saddened by the way Dakota seemed so willing to accept what they thought it was, that his parents were here to take him away, to try and come between them. Sure it most likely was that, but why was Dakota willing to let it happen without fighting? Why wasn’t he suggesting ways that he could sneak out, or ways they could get together? Christ he had shown up and spent the night with him why couldn’t that happen again? Why did he seem so quick to let him go? Wasn’t he worth a little bit of a fight even?

“You did, your parents changed, they understand…”

God how does he explain it to him? How does he try to tell him that nothing really has changed at his place except that no one laughs anymore, no one jokes anymore, no one smiles anymore and all because he his gay and his brother died from being gay? Doesn’t Noah understand that his parents aren’t any different than his, that they too can’t stand what he is? Doesn’t Noah get it, that each time Dakota’s own father looks at him, Dakota can see the shame, the sadness, the anger even? If he did, then maybe he would understand, but how can he tell him that? How can he let him know that what they are may seem great to them, may seem wonderful and filled with warmth and tenderness but what their parents see is perversion, disgrace, and worse, disappointment?

“No, they don’t really and it took Montana dying to get them to this point, so…”

“But they changed, right?”

“No, well okay, sort of, but you don’t have a brother, and even if you did would you want him to die so you could be with me? Come on Noah, you know that…”

Why? Why won’t Dakota help him? He could barely stand to look at him even, his head was constantly staring down at the floor of the platform, at his feet or off elsewhere instead of looking at him, why? Was he ashamed of him already because his parents had come, because they had found out? Why?

Christ if Dakota really loved him why wouldn’t he help him now? Was he just trying to make it easier for him or was he trying to dump him without saying it? Was it school that him so scared and now he had a way out? Did he think that Noah would not be able to control himself in school, like he had said earlier, so that now he had a way to end it before that happened? Was he that scared or was there something he wasn’t saying?

Whatever it was, Noah could tell that he had to make Dakota understand, that he had to let Dakota know that he wouldn’t give up, that he did care and that he did love Dakota. He had to convince him, to show him and if that meant fighting with his parents alone until he did prove it, fine he would, he just needed to convince Dakota of that, because inside, deep down in his soul, he knew he could do this, he knew that he had no other choice but to.

“I know I can do this, I know it, stop trying to tell me otherwise, don’t Dakota, don’t!”

“Noah, come on, it’s bad enough they are here, shit don’t make it worse, please…”

“Worse? How can it be fucking worse? I thought you wanted me, cared for me, now it is like, like you are giving up without even trying to keep me, I…”

He was right, he wasn’t helping him or even trying but it wasn’t because he didn’t care or didn’t want him. He had been down this road before, with his own brother and he knew what it did to a family and as much as he wanted Noah, he couldn’t be the one to ruin his family, to end his closeness with them.

It was hard enough to be queer never mind having no one to rely on, never mind having no safe place to go and be comforted. He knew he didn’t have that, not in the way he needed it to be which was why he went through the charade of pretending to be straight, of dating girls, of even having sex with them, all so he could keep his secret and not get hurt. Noah wouldn’t be able to do that, and if he didn’t have his family behind him then there was no way he’d make it, no chance for him and Dakota knew he couldn’t let that happen. He knew it might cost him but so what, he already had paid the price so he knew how to cope, how to get on with tomorrow but Noah didn’t and as much as he wanted to be with Noah, he couldn’t let him go through that pain, not if he could prevent it.

“I don’t want to lose you Noah, Fuck I’d do anything to keep you, to keep us together, but how? Tell me and I’ll do it…”

“We don’t even know why they are here, maybe it isn’t what we think…”

“Uh huh, you know it is, so do I, come on, they wouldn’t come all the way out here if it was something else, they would have phoned first, you know that”

“Not really, I mean it could be something else, it doesn’t have to be that they found out about me, it isn’t like I left them a note or anything”

“I know, but parents, they have a way of finding this shit out sometimes, I don’t know, maybe your mom came across a magazine or something when cleaning your room, how do I know how, but we both know that’s why they are here”

“Still…”

“Still nothing Noah, they aren’t going to let you see me”

“They can’t stop me, besides we share a locker at school, they won’t take me out of school… we’ll find ways, please, I can’t go down knowing that… thinking that…”

The angry voice boomed out and made them both jump a little, startled by its loudness and apparent closeness too. Noah stared at Dakota, the fear showing on his face as once more the loud angry male voice boomed out, calling for him.

“Noah! Noah! Where are you?”

Looking at Dakota and then out past the sky towards the lights of the house off in the distance he felt like he was about to lose everything he had dreamed of and yet something inside of him refused to let it go, refused to just surrender so he yelled back, his voice filling the night with an anger of its own, an impatience of its own.

“I am coming, give me a minute”

“Hurry up, your mother is waiting in the car and it’s late”

He felt the rage inside, felt the unfairness of it all and yet as he turned away from the platform to look at Dakota he felt like his world was ending. He couldn’t begin to describe how horrible he felt inside, how the pain seemed to be everywhere at once and how he felt like he was 100 years old. His legs ached and not from kneeling over Dakota’s body but from knowing that it might have been not just his first time, but his last time experiencing real love. He couldn’t help himself; the tears were rolling down his face as he yelled out once more, letting the rage inside begin to take hold.

“IN A MINUTE!”

“NOW Noah!”

Time had run out for them, Noah could tell that as he saw the way Dakota’s shoulders sagged under the realization that Noah was being forced to leave. It was strange, he thought that Dakota would try to fight for him, try to keep him here and his quick acceptance puzzled him and hurt too. He would fight for Dakota, he knew that so why wouldn’t Dakota fight for him? It ached inside, made him wonder if maybe all he was to Dakota was some fuck toy, some quick fuck that might have lasted a bit but not for long, and yet even as he thought it he didn’t quite believe it, or was that just his own wishful thinking?

He moved past Dakota towards the trunk of the tree and the way down, feeling betrayed and dejected, knowing he would have a major battle with his parents as his welcome home and for what? Just so he could say he took a big dick up his ass and so wasn’t a virgin anymore? Was that all this weekend had turned into? Noah could feel the rage inside as he stepped past Dakota’s still figure and as he moved past he felt the soft gentle breeze blowing across and his nostrils flared as Dakota’s rich fragrance came to his senses.

Just as he felt the aroma invading the place in his heart where his anger rested he felt the soft touch of Dakota’s fingers on his arm and he turned to see the tears rolling down the soft pale cheeks. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that he didn’t need to doubt Dakota, he just needed to show him that he was stronger than Dakota thought he was. His hand moved across his stomach and rested briefly on the now chilled hand of Dakota and he looked deep into the rich brown eyes now clouded by tears.

“You know I am wearing your shorts Dakota”

“I know”

“You ain’t ever getting them back, when I am old and finally kick this fucking world, I am gonna make sure that I am buried wearing them, no matter what you or they try to say now, you know that?”

“I do now”

“I am yours Dakota, I will never be with another person unless it is you”

“Noah…”

“I mean it, there will never be anyone else for me, will there be for you?”

“No”

They had climbed down in silence and met Arizona at the base, her eyes wide and glowing as she put her fingers to her lips, telling them to be quiet and then she pointed outwards, showing them the tall figure coming quickly towards the tree. Dakota could tell that it had to be Noah’s father and he felt a strange fear inside, almost as if he was about to go into battle and yet the soft press of Noah’s hand against his leg helped him to remain calm as they waited for Noah’s dad.

Somehow he knew that what they had said to each other was real, that Noah somehow did seem to understand a bit of what he was in for and all he wanted was Dakota’s support. All he wanted was to know that Dakota cared enough to wait and that he had no thoughts of others. Easy to say, hard to do, but as he stood there waiting he knew that even if Noah hadn’t asked, he would have waited. There was no doubt in his heart that he needed Noah and that there could never be anyone who could come close to making him feel what they had shared up on the platform.

No, he would have waited, had already resigned himself to being nothing more than a frustrated old crock for the rest of his life because there would never be anyone like Noah and without Noah, he just couldn’t see himself wanting to do anything with anyone else. Strange though that Noah would feel that way too, hell it was strange that he did too because it wasn’t how the books and all said it was. They were only 16 and supposed to be nothing but a mess of hormones or stuff, yet it wasn’t that way at all.

Okay yeah he got a boner when he would see some hot guy, most likely Noah did too but when he had seen Noah, saw the way he was walking down the hallway that first day, it wasn’t that he just got a boner but he got this horrible ache and pain deep in his chest. It was like what he thought a heart attack might feel like except that this was worse, or so he thought. Still, he couldn’t help it, he just didn’t want to see Noah get hurt, and fighting with your folks, knowing how disappointed they were in you, that was something he didn’t want anyone to feel, even if it meant living a life alone, it was the least he could do for Noah, besides, he did have tonight which was maybe more than many guys ever got.

Noah’s dad had glared at him like he was some evil monster and he had been surprised when Noah reached out to take his hand as they greeted his dad. God, that feeling when Noah held his hand despite the glaring eyes from his dad was something. His whole body shook and he had to have looked like a fool as he stammered a weak ‘hi’ when Noah introduced him. Strange though, Noah’s dad didn’t freak at him, just glared at Dakota and Noah and then told them that they had to go. He couldn’t have missed seeing Noah holding his hand and yet he ignored it, and maybe if it hadn’t been dark Dakota might have seen the blushing red that had crept over Noah’s dad’s face.

Even Arizona managed to keep her tongue still all the way back to the house where Noah’s dad’s car was. They could see a figure inside it and Dakota knew it was Noah’s mom and as he watched Noah climb in, he thought he recognized the lady from somewhere, but he couldn’t be sure. Noah looked like he would spit fire the way he stared at his dad when he was ordered into the car, but he kept his mouth shut. Funny but all Dakota could think of was how much he wished he could just grab Noah by the shoulders and kiss him, knowing too how that would set off WWIII most likely. Still, he couldn’t get the way Noah looked and how sexy it was, and he could feel the effect it was having on him too as Noah disappeared into the back seat of the car.

Arizona had hustled into the house while Noah had said goodbye. Noah’s voice had been thin and taut as he said he’d see Dakota tomorrow and the glare that that brought almost made Dakota flinch but he held his ground, his own eyes staring quietly at the angry man that now stood between him and his other half, Noah. Dakota was surprised to find his father standing at the front entrance too and as Noah climbed into the car, a hound dog look on his face, Dakota was even more surprised to hear his father say goodbye to him, telling him to come back again soon. That too brought a strange look from Noah’s father and yet his own Dad merely stepped down from the porch, walked slowly to where Dakota stood and stood there, by him. He reached out with his hand to shake Noah’s father’s hand who hesitated and then quickly reached back and shook hands. He said a gruff goodbye and climbed hurriedly into the car, which seemed to leap ahead before the door even closed. It felt like he couldn’t get away from the Northwood’s fast enough and yet as he watched the fancy red taillights fade into the darkness, he felt like part of his life was over and a new part was about to begin. He only prayed that it would include Noah.

“You okay boy?”

“Huh? I guess… uh, did they…”

“They know… if that’s what you mean”

“I thought as much”

“Not easy being a parent Dakota”

“Not easy being a queer”

“STOP That! Don’t you use that word! Damn it Dakota, I know it isn’t easy, but we aren’t monsters either, it just… it just takes time”

“Sometimes it takes too long”

Gary Northwood watched as his last remaining son silently walked away from him, heading into the brightly lit house. He could see and even feel his pain as his shoulders were sagging, his head bowed low as he crossed in front of the porch light. He saw him turn his head to stare briefly down the long dusty driveway and he felt the ache his son was feeling as he too turned to stare down that road, only he wasn’t looking for sight of the Collins car, but remembering another road, another long empty driveway.

He heard the screen door slam against the wooden door jam and he flinched a little as his eyes grew moist as he stared down that long dusty road. It wasn’t down that road but one like it that he had sent his eldest boy at first, blind rage in his heart as he had confronted Montana about his being gay. How long ago it was and yet he could hear his own angry words, yelling at Montana, calling him queer, sissy, and many other things that he wished he had never said now. Dakota had been there as had Arizona, maybe if his wife had been home it might not have gotten so loud, so nasty but she had been at work. Now it was too late to change all that had been said, and as much as he knew that Montana had forgiven him, it was his own heart that still wouldn’t let him forget, or allow him to forgive himself.

If asked he wasn’t sure if he could explain it, but Montana had nearly been out of sight down that road, nearly been lost to him when something had broken inside of him, something had managed to get beyond the anger, the disappointment, the rage even and he had grabbed Dakota, pushing him even to run after Montana and bring him back. He could still see Dakota’s frightened face when he had grabbed him by the shirt, yanking him nearly off his feet and pushed him down the road, urging him to run fast and bring his brother back. The look of sudden realization and quick smile had been enough for him because even as Dakota raced down the road, he had turned away and headed for his truck, to go after his son even though the anger still burned inside of him.

After finding his keys and making Arizona wait in the house he had hurried down the driveway and out to find his two boys walking back to the house. Gary had stopped the truck and watched as they slowly made their way down the street towards him oblivious to his presence even. He could see how close they were and he had to admit to himself now that even then he had known that Dakota was gay, just like his older brother but it wasn’t until much later that either of them spoke about it.

He felt like kicking himself as he stared out along the road, knowing how much time had passed and how much he had missed in knowing his sons, and Dakota was right, sometimes time simply ran out before everything could be made right, before everything that needed saying could be said. He had lost that precious time with Montana and it was too late now, but there was still time for Dakota, at least he prayed that there was. His heart was heavy with the fear that resided there, knowing that each time Dakota had sex he was risking his life, risking that very precious life.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed silently, wishing for his boy back, wishing for them both to be back but he knew that could never be, still he wished it could be. The pain inside grew as the darkness enveloped him and he looked out at an empty road, realizing just how empty his own life had become ever since his son had passed away. His own shoulders sagged from the heavy weight of regret that overcame him and he felt like everything he had worked for, everything he had dreamed had vanished with Montana’s passing and yet he knew that wasn’t quite true either. He knew that he still had Dakota, Arizona and their mother but he had to also admit that he had not been a good father or husband since Montana had died.

Slowly he turned from the road and stared at the house, seeing the lights inside blazing out and piercing the darkness and yet even as the glow cast a light outside, he felt lost in a sea of dismal darkness. His heart grew heavier as he heard his daughters voice and then his wife’s but not a sound was Dakota’s. He knew his son, better than Dakota perhaps realized and he knew he was in his room, his head on the pillow and his legs arched upwards as he stared up the ceiling feeling so alone, feeling so empty. His heart cried for his son as he slowly turned and headed towards the fields, quietly moving away from the sounds of the house and from everything else that clamoured for his attention.

Finally he came to the tree and looked up at its tall branches, the rich canopy of green that covered the whole area and with a sigh he began to climb up the trunk of the tree, each step only increasing his pain and reminding him of his losses. His hands reached over the edge and he pulled his legs up and stood there, surveying the wooden floor and the tossed sleeping bags that were still spread out over them. His eyes took it all in, the crumpled mess and rolls of the material and he could smell it too as he breathed in deeply. His eyes stared out across the wide open view and then upwards to the twinkling lights of the stars and he moved over to the edge, sitting down and just like his son had done, he stared out and upwards, wondering what Montana would say, wondering if he was staring down at him right now?

His heart felt like it had ripped open as the tears suddenly came flooding out and his eyes grew misty and cloudy but he didn’t bother to even try to wipe them clear. He sat there crying letting his grief rule his heart and soul at last. His body shook to the terrible sobs of pain that came from deep within and he grew cold as the wind blew around him. His hands shook on his knees that dangled over the edge and he could feel the wooden platform beneath him shiver to his deep sobs and yet all he could think of was Montana and how he had looked those last few days. How his face would glow whenever Dakota walked in to the room, or even when he walked it. He could feel the love then, all which had been said long forgotten as Montana slowly lost his fight with life or did he lose?

Strange but he had never thought about it like that, but did Montana lose or was it that they lost and he won? He was at peace now, no more pain to eat at him, no more struggling to just breathe, and maybe most of all no more need to worry what someone might think. All that was past and he was with the one person who could love him without any strings, without any conditions. Gary cried harder now because he too should have been the one to give Montana that, he too should have never put any conditions on his love for Montana or any of his children, but he wasn’t God, he was just a man, a very stupid man who had paid the ultimate price for his stupidity, he had paid for it with the loss of his son and he was still paying for it now.

Quietly she lowered her head and let herself climb back down the wooden sticks that served as rungs on the huge trunk of the tree. Her face was moist from her own tears as she felt the ground finally beneath her feet. Her husband was finally crying and she knew the pain he was feeling. She leaned against the old trunk and stared up through the heavy branches heaven wards.

“Help him Montana, he loved you so much, help him dear”

She waited at the base of the tree, thinking her own thoughts as the night wore on and as the stars began to wane. The night was old now and she could feel her own age too, realizing that she looked like a woman of 60 instead of her real age of 38. The death of a son and the hollowness it brought did that to a person and her head continued to stare at the ground, knowing that none of them were spared the grief or its effects. Arizona still had her nightmares but true they were a bit less in frequency now, Dakota still cried inside each day and perhaps now even more so what with all that had gone on tonight, and then there was her Gary. The sweet gentle man she had married so long ago and who she still loved with all of her heart. How old he had become, how ancient and brittle he was and yet he was only 42 years old but he lived with the pain of his actions. Oh she knew what had happened, and she knew that Montana had forgiven him for all he had said and done when he first heard about Montana being gay, but he was too honest of a man to just accept that. He was killing himself over it and it frightened her.

Maybe some of this was her fault too, maybe if she had talked about her fears about Montana with Gary more before Montana sprung it on him things might have gone differently. Perhaps if she had only just trusted in Gary more he wouldn’t have reacted the way he had or at least he would have had enough foreknowledge to enable him to wait till she had gotten home. If, a big word when lives were at risk and yet she couldn’t help but feel that she had let her family down.

Gary was up the tree crying, Dakota was off in his room feeling lost and alone again and Arizona was wondering when things would ever go right for them, if maybe they weren’t cursed or something. And her, she had tried to explain things to Noah’s Mom but instead of easing her fears she had only increased them. That was obvious now, given how quickly she and her husband had shown up tonight. God if only she hadn’t talked to her so openly, so honestly maybe Noah would have at least been able to have stayed the night. Maybe that would have helped calm things down for him when he did get home and maybe, just maybe it would have helped Dakota.

There was no doubt that it wouldn’t have changed much, but at least Dakota would have had one night being totally happy. Was that too much to ask she wondered, her eyes glancing upwards towards the sky. As her face turned up she jumped as her husband stood there, staring at her with tears still in rolling down his face. She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard him climb down from the tree.

“How long you been here?”

“Not long, you?”

“Long enough and yet, maybe not long enough”

“Gary… it is going to be okay, give it some time dear”

“Yeah, and what happens when time runs out again Rosie? What then?”

“I don’t know, but we are doing our best, that’ll just have to do”

“I suppose”

“Come on, I’ll make you some tea”

He looked over at her and raised his hand, his finger gently wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye. He stared into her face and he could see his children reflected there. He could see Arizona’s bubbly look, see Dakota’s smile even and there was no mistaking Montana’s soft facial features either, all of it reflected in her and he knew that he was a lucky man to have her and her love. She had given him everything and more than he could ever ask for, it was him who had failed the family and it was up to him to make it right. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, and kissed it, smiling at her and together they headed back to their home.

Nathan Collins

There was something different about Noah and he wasn’t sure what it was either. In some small way it was pleasing to see his son showing some spunk, but if that meant being queer then he would rather he not have that spunk, or would he? Damn it, this was so confusing to him and the anger inside only grew despite his best efforts to control it. For starters what in hell was his wife thinking of when she had known as early as last Tuesday that Noah might be one of them? Why hadn’t she told him before this evening, when it obviously was way too late to stop whatever it was that two guys did from happening?

He knew in his mind exactly what the whole purpose of this weekend had been as soon as she told him about this Dakota kid and about his older brother and everything. Christ didn’t she have a brain and worse, she had driven him to the mall where he was to meet this this queer boy! Nathan wasn’t sure who to be madder at, his wife for not coming to him sooner or his son for letting himself be hoodwinked into thinking he was some damn pansy. In his book they were both on a par but he had to give the nod to his son on making the bonehead play of the year.

There was no way that Noah could be that way, not a chance. Only way it could happen is if that Northwood kid had someone conned Noah into thinking he was queer, but Noah should have known better. The Collins family were all men and so it couldn’t be from his side of the family this crap came from, but then that wasn’t being fair. Her family was just as normal as his, so how in hell could a kid of theirs be queer? It had to be a mistake, a wrong choice by a hormone crazed teenager who was missing a few bricks at the time or something. Christ, he wasn’t stupid so how could he let that Dakota kid con him like this?

As he drove home all he could think of was how to stop this foolishness, and how to get Noah the help he obviously needed. For a few miles he thought that maybe some professional help but he’d be damned if he would walk in to the Doctor’s office and let him know about Noah’s confusion, and you didn’t just flip thru the yellow pages to find a doctor these days, besides he wasn’t sure what his medical would allow. Christ this whole thing was an absolute mess and maybe if his wife had just told him, maybe they could have all this sorted out by now, instead now his whole weekend would be spent trying to work out something, only trouble was what?

He really didn’t have any ideas on this, except that he had to do something. This was his son he was thinking about, and besides, it just wouldn’t go down with his co workers if they ever found out his son had been turned queer. God what a world, you think everything is going perfect, the perfect job, the perfect wife and family, a good son who just needed an occasional push now and then, but all in all everything was perfect, so if it was all so perfect how the fuck did this kind of crap happen? His mind was totally confused as he finally turned off to go down their own street.

He hadn’t really noticed the silence until now and he felt a strange chill in his body as he turned up and into his driveway. The car stopped and he sat there, staring at the neatly painted garage door, the car motor idling as he sat there, his hands glued to the steering wheel and he could feel his wife’s eyes on him, even feel her fear and it shook him a little. She was actually afraid of him and of what he might do, which really he couldn’t maybe blame her for. He had gone off the deep end when she had told him about Noah, had even ranted and raved for several minutes, and he had thrown his jacket and knocked over a chair too. Guess he had gone off the deep end a bit but still, she should know he’d never hurt her, or Noah. That too and as much as this whole queer shit was pissing him off, he loved his son, didn’t his driving all the way out there and bringing him home show that? It wasn’t like he was throwing him out of the house like some others he knew would do, so why should she still be so frightened by him?

Nothing in his life had ever prepared him for this, nothing and he felt lost really as he sat there, trying to figure out all of the strange emotions and thoughts that were racing thru his mind. How could she let him go knowing what might happen? It didn’t make sense and yet too, how could he not have seen Noah’s change over this week? Could he have been working too hard or was he blind? Nathan prided himself on being a good family man, a good husband and father so how could he miss this? How could he not know that his son was facing this identity crisis? It had to be that, didn’t it? No way could he be queer, could he?

Everything was happening so fast he wasn’t sure which way to turn actually, and to be honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he knew the answers to any of this nonsense, if that is what it was. Christ what if Noah really was gay? What would he do about that? Should he practise that tough love doctrine and make him choose his family or his lifestyle choice? God what a mess this was and he felt exhausted, drained totally as he tried to figure out what to do, feeling the stress eating into his strength and his arms were heavy from it and yet not as heavy as his heart seemed to feel. So much to think about and yet there really was no time to think clearly either on which way to go, which way to move to solve this dilemma that threatened his whole family. Nate shook his head as he finally reached down and shut the car motor off, he leaned back in the seat and sighed and then turned to look at his wife’s face.

She was pale and he could see the tears in her eyes and his heart ached for the pain she was feeling. More than that though he could see total fear in her eyes which hurt him. Didn’t she know that nothing could destroy the love he had for her, that his love for her and for Noah would never let him hurt them? Yet, that is exactly what he saw in her face, the fear that he would strike them, or at least strike Noah but he could never do that, didn’t they know that, didn’t they know him?

“We should get inside, the neighbours will start to wonder”

He could feel Noah shift in the backseat and even she seemed to want to say something but neither of them spoke. Instead they both just quietly opened their doors and headed out of the car, not even waiting for him as they walked slowly up the sidewalk to the front door. Nate watched them as they moved towards the house, seeing how dejected she looked and worse, how stiff she was. It was like she was actually bracing herself for a fight of some kind which he understood. He hadn’t exactly been willing to talk rationally or calmly since she broke the news to him, but time had cooled that anger somewhat. Didn’t she understand what all this meant to her and to Noah as well as to him? Couldn’t she see how it would endanger their whole family structure and future? Noah might be too young to realize it, but surely she could, she wasn’t stupid or dumb and in fact he always thought she was far more intelligent and intuitive than he ever could be, yet she didn’t seem to comprehend the ramifications of Noah’s action. Hell she had called it a teenage experimentation that perhaps they should just ignore, which infuriated him at the time.

How could she even think that this was nothing more than some teenager letting his hormones misdirect him? Didn’t she see that by doing what he had set off to do could ruin him for life? Christ if his classmates ever found out he would be ostracized and traumatized for life perhaps. How could she have let him go to that boy’s place and not understand all this? Never mind the risks to his standing with his friends, to their own standing too but what about the health risks involved? For God’s sake he had heard the news reports, had seen the haggard faces of those afflicted by the gay disease, didn’t she understand that it could happen to Noah if they didn’t protect him from it?

The closing of the front door startled him and he realized that they both had gone inside without him. He sighed again and stood up and looked out at the house, and then around at the neighbours houses. He wondered what they would think if they knew that their neighbour’s boy had gone queer? Would they still talk to him, would they still let Noah cut their grass or would they even open their door to him? All of that played in his mind as he trudged up the walk to go inside, to try and make the best out of a worse situation that seemed to only get more horrible with each passing thought. What was he going to say, do?

Rachel Collins

It felt like she was living in a nightmare that wouldn’t end. First the talk with that Dakota’s mother that had started this nightmare, then deciding that she needed to discuss it with Nathan, while they had the time alone, only deepened the nightmare for her. God if she had only known how he would react maybe she would have waited, but that was water under the bridge and yet in some ways she couldn’t really blame him either. To just dump all this on him when he had all those other headaches to deal with. Work, making a decent living for them to exist on, all of that and here she comes and just blurts out that Noah is maybe gay. God what was she thinking and yet what else could she do?

She couldn’t have kept it quiet, least she didn’t think she could and besides, what kind of marriage would it be if she tried to hide this from him? It wasn’t like Nate was a bad person, bit strait-laced and all but that was part of what had attracted her to him. The way he was so focused on life, the way he stuck to a path and didn’t just give up when things got rough or tough. He was a fighter and yet now the very things that had made her fall in love with him angered her a bit and even scared her. Her heart ached as she realized just how terrified she was of him, of what he might do to not just her but to her son.

What was it about men that made them think a good left jabs or right crosses would solve a problem? Was it something to do with all that macho crap they spouted or was it just a gender thing? Were they that insecure that when their masculinity felt threatened they struck out with their fists? Her body shook a little as she saw the hatred on his face, the blind rage that seemed to have overtaken him when she had told him. For a brief instant she felt like he might strike her and she had cowered, slinking out of his way as he tossed his suit jacket across the room, pushing chairs out of his way as he stormed around the house. His voice had become so angry and shrill that she was certain it would bring the police to the house.

In some ways Nathan had a right to be angry with her, as she should have talked to him long before this evening but how could she? She herself wasn’t too certain about it, and she still wasn’t 100% certain that Noah was that way. IF he was, well they would have to find a way to deal with it, but couldn’t he see that first they had to find out if he was or not? Instead he had gone off like some rocket and she didn’t dare try to speak, afraid he would lash out at her even more. Her heart ached at the harsh words he had spoken and even all the time driving to go pick Noah up he hadn’t let up until they finally drew near, only then did he quieten down and become more like the man she had married. The ranting and raving one who had driven them there certainly didn’t remind her of anyone she knew. He was like a totally different person who in some ways she could understand but in other ways it only angered her and scared her. This was their son, couldn’t he see that? Did he have to go on about neighbours, classmates, and work when the whole thing could have been a simple misunderstanding? Why did he have to go off like he had? Was he really like that angry person who pushed chairs across the room or was he the man who held her and told her she smelt nice? Which was he?

It was all confusing to her. Everything she had ever dreamed of he had given her and more too. He loved her and never forgot a birthday, anniversary or anything, hell he even remembered their first date and what they had done so how could that person change so rapidly just from hearing that their son might be gay? How could that same sweet caring man turn into the raving lunatic that had stormed around their house for a good hour before even calming down enough to speak to?

When they had driven up to the Northwood home she had seen the surprise on Mrs Northwood’s face, and yet it was almost as if she sort of expected them. She had a look of sadness too when Nathan had firmly asked where his son was and gotten the answer that he was out on the property with Dakota. The cries that came suddenly to them had made Nathan’s face go white, as chalk and even Mr Northwood looked frightened as they heard that primal cry that was their son’s voice. She felt the pain that tore into her heart at that sound and she could feel Nate stiffen. She worried he would strike out but he surprised her by his almost normal voice. He didn’t fool her though, she could hear the anguish in it and even the anger too as he asked if they would be kind enough to point out where Noah was. Mr Northwood had sent his daughter out to get them, asking if they’d like to come inside and for a moment or two the two men locked eyes.

It was strange to see them stare at each other, to see the flash of fire even that passed between them both with no words being spoken. Her husband’s breathing was rapid as he stood there, his fists balled at his side but other than that he looked perfectly at ease, perfectly normal and yet, it wasn’t normal. The whole situation had been unreal and the sounds of Noah’s voice along with another’s had only made her shiver in fear as she wondered what Nathan would do, what he would say and yet despite her fears he didn’t do anything. He was polite, courteous even and yet she could feel the underlying tension.

Opening the door to their home she could feel the resentment coming from her son and yet he too had surprised her. There was something different about him since she had dropped him off earlier and she wondered if maybe they were looking at this whole gay thing wrong? Could it be good for Noah in some weird way or was it just that she wanted to avoid this whole issue? There was no denying that Nathan was confused about it too and hurt even. That kind of surprised her because while it certainly could create problems, it wasn’t like Noah went out to become gay just to hurt Nathan or her, at least she didn’t think he did. Maybe it was just that they didn’t really understand this behaviour, maybe if they could discuss it rationally they might find that Noah was just being a typical teenager, just experimenting with sex like some kids experimented with hairstyles? That could be it couldn’t it and yet even as she kept trying to make it that way, deep down inside she knew it was something serious, something that frightened her husband and honestly, frightened her too.

She opened the door and walked inside, seeing the dining room chair still on its side and she felt that same fear rising up again, wondering what would happen next. Her heart ached from all this and to be honest she felt a bit of resentment at Noah for being the cause of it all and yet she knew that wasn’t fair, wasn’t just but it was how she felt. Her whole mind felt confused and clouded by the rapid change in her family, from Noah being gay to the violent reaction of her husband and there was also her own actions. How could she have kept this from Nate? That wasn’t like her and as she stood in the entrance way, she felt the confusion holding her immobile as her son came and looked at the mess in the house and then without even saying a word began to head towards his bedroom.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room”

“I think you should wait here for your father”

“What for?”

“Because I think he will want to talk to you, so do I”

The turned over chairs and way the room looked had surprised him and he felt a strange fear inside, wondering if his own father would dare to strike him or if he had hit her? As angry as he was with her he still worried that maybe his dad had lost it. Carefully he searched her face for any signs that his dad had hit her but he couldn’t find any, relieved by that at least. Inside he wondered what he would do though if his dad did strike him or lash out at his mother? Would he fight back or would he just take it? He wished he knew what to do or say but all he could think about was how he wanted to be with Dakota and how his parents were trying to deny him what he needed, what he wanted.

“Talk? Looks like he did plenty of that earlier”

“Knock that off Noah, your father uh, he uh, he was upset by the news, it is perfectly natural, given the situation”

“Situation? What situation is that mother? That I am gay?”

She couldn’t believe his flippancy, the way he stood his ground and spoke to her. It was like he was someone else and not the boy she had raised for the last 16 years. Whatever had happened with that Dakota boy had changed him, but if she was honest, the changes she was seeing now had started to show earlier on, after that first night. He was changing and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of those changes or even if they were changes that she wanted to see. Her son was growing up, but growing up to become what?

“Now Noah, don’t say that, how can you be… I mean you are only 16, you are just a boy, you can’t…”

“Can’t know what I am? Who I am? Is that what you and dad think? That this is just some phase?”

“Noah please, let us try to keep calm, go sit down and I’ll get us some drinks while your father gets uh, while he, uh…”

“Figures out what to do about his queer son?”

The sound of his son’s voice saying ‘that’ word only infuriated him as he stood there, listening to them and he wondered what it was that had happened to the nice loving family he thought he had? Everything was all jumbled up, all topsy turvy as he came more into the room, his voice suddenly cutting through the room’s stillness, making everyone turn towards him.

“Noah! Don’t talk to your mother in that tone”

Neither of them had heard him come inside nor heard the door open or close so he had startled them. Her face was white like he had thought and as he stood there, the anger inside of him was fighting for dominance with the pride too. He had never seen his son stand up like this before, never before seen the defiance that simply glowed from him as it did right now. He had changed and part of him was glad and yet whenever he thought that way, he would suddenly realize what was causing that defiance. His anger still held him hostage and yet his mind was so muddled, so unsure that the voices inside were nothing but a jumbled mess. He didn’t know which way to turn, which course to take.

Noah’s face was filled with rage and anger as he glared at his father. His eyes were dark and ominous as he just stared at him, then in a strange and calm action he turned and walked past his mother without even looking at her. He went to the living room and sat in the big armchair off to one side of the long sofa. His eyes didn’t look right or left as he just looked towards the sofa, waiting it seemed and yet in its own way, showing his total defiance to them. Nathan couldn’t believe it and as the anger rose up inside of him his eyes glanced over at the fallen chair, feeling a sudden sense of shame that overwhelmed him.

He moved hesitantly into the room, stopping briefly by his wife’s side and looked deeply into her eyes. He could see her fear clearly and it troubled him as he managed a wan smile to her, touching her arm briefly with a softness that seemed to surprise her. He then moved past the room towards the dining area where he picked up the fallen chair and placed it back in its proper spot. He then turned around to stare at his wife and at the glaring face of his son.

“Rachel, would you mind making some coffee please?”

She was stunned by his calm voice and by the way he was looking at her. It was almost as if he was trying to apologize to her and she even thought she saw something in his face that only made her heart tremble. It was like he was feeling guilty and ashamed of his actions, and for a moment or two all she could think of was how much she loved him, how much she needed him and wanted him to just hold her. Yet as much as she wanted to just fall into his arms, she knew that they would first have to confront this evening. Her heart grew frightened as she wondered if this was merely the calm before the real storm hit or worse?

With an uncertainty of what lay ahead, she nodded and headed towards the kitchen, wondering what had changed because something had. His anger was still there, she could see it in his face still and yet it wasn’t really the same. It was more like he was angry at himself more than her or Noah and as she entered the kitchen she heard him begin to talk to Noah, a further surprise to her as she could hear how soft and calm his voice was, yet it was filled with a pain she couldn’t begin to quite fathom.

“Guess you are pretty pissed at me right now, aren’t you Noah?”

Noah swallowed and stared at his father, the man suddenly transformed from the silent angry man to someone who looked liked he was about to break down and cry. It confused him as he wondered what would happen, as he wondered if the man he called ‘dad’ was going to beat him or throw him out and then this? It was confusing as he sat there, wishing Dakota was here with him, hoping that whatever did happen tonight that he could keep his word, that he would find a way to once more be with Dakota.

The Locker – Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Part 1

Noah took the thin package from Dakota’s sweating hand and he leaned back onto the hard legs that rested under him. He could feel the warm flesh as his naked buttocks rested carefully onto Dakota’s strong legs. He could feel the heat from his own body growing hotter with each passing beat of his heart; feel the desire welling up even more inside as he fumbled with the thin plastic package in his hand.

His eyes shimmered as he stared down at Dakota’s long lean body, the shimmering golden flesh of Dakota’s chest only made his heart ache more, made the throb deep down in his rectum grow stronger as he finally opened the thin package and held the thin coated condom in his shaking fingers. Noah wanted it to be right as he tried to keep his thoughts focused but he couldn’t help himself, stealing glances at Dakota’s face and body.

Looking down as he moved his hand to his side he saw the shimmering golden flesh of Dakota’s chest move up and then down as Dakota’s lungs continued to suck in the rich warm night air. He saw the way the tiny beads of sweat continued to glimmer and shake with each heave of that perfect chest and he wasn’t sure if the illusion was from the sweat that still trickled down from his forehead or if it was from the tiny perfectly clear tears that welled up at the corners of his eyes as he thought about the moment passed and the moment to come. His whole body tingled with excitement as he continued to gaze downwards, continued to drink in the perfectly formed body that now rested beneath his own youthful frame.

Nothing seemed to exist, no other sounds but the steady thumb of his own heart echoed within his head and yet even that seemed muted by the moment. He could see the thin outline of ribs pushing up against the flesh, see the flat washboard stomach with rippling muscles holding tight rein within and he could feel the heat now, the hot burning heat that was rising up from just in front of his own belly and groin.

Dakota’s shoulder length hair was matted and spread all over behind his head against the dark wooden floor and yet to Noah it looked like a crown of dark gold. His heart skipped a beat as he stole a quick glance upwards and peered into the rich deep chocolate eyes, feeling the sudden beat of Dakota’s heart next to his and in that moment his fears, his hesitations were gone and as he lowered his head, he stared down at Dakota’s throbbing manhood.

What had held him paralysed all week including earlier no longer looked so menacing, instead it appeared before him as a way to become a part of the boy he loved, a way for him to join once more with that beating heart that nestled next to his own. He could see his trembling fingers moving from his side now and he shimmied his body down a bit more, his hot flesh sticking but gradually moving down Dakota’s perfectly still body.

His other hand came up from the other side; his fingers extended as he ran the tips of two fingers slowly down the rippling belly following the small tufts of hair towards that giant throbbing organ that stood perfectly straight. It towered above the golden flesh and Noah could see the matted dark hair that encased the base of the huge throbbing pole. His fingers moved down the flesh, feeling Dakota’s body shudder to his touch and his own heart beginning to race faster with the excitement, with the thrill of Dakota’s response. It was all amazing to him, more spectacular than any dream he had ever had and yet as the warm wind blew across his own nakedness, he could feel the fires within growing, the flames flickering once more at his own flesh and turning it into a steaming mass of molten skin.

Noah could feel Dakota’s eyes boring in on his head, feel him as he slowly reached the 2-¼ inch thick base of Dakota’s penis. He felt the legs shake under his body, his own knees responding by digging into the hot sticky flesh harder as he held on, knowing that soon he would feel more than a soft heave or buck. The touch of his fingertip against the base made his own heart tremble and he could hear himself sucking in the warm night air as he let the finger rest against the hot sizzling pole. His eyes continued to shimmer as more sweat dripped down from his forehead but still he could see the huge penis, the deep thick vein that jutted out from underneath it pulsing as his finger slowly moved up the opposite side. His eyes widened as he saw the vein thicken as more blood was pumped into it and all he could think of was how it would feel nestled deep inside of him, how it would make his own velvet muscles tingle to its touch.

His eyes moved up the long shimmering pole, the deep mottled purplish flesh stretched so tight that it made each vein, each artery jut out clearly and yet as he stared at it, all he could think of was how it would feel to squeeze it with his own never before touched insides. To hold it within his very own body was a thought that no longer frightened him but which he urgently wanted to feel, to experience and yet he held back, deliberately forcing his mind to stare at the thick throbbing pole, to take ever inch of that beautiful organ and etch it forever into his memory. He wanted to see it even when it was buried within him and so he took his time, letting his mind photograph each inch, each artery, each pulsing vein until finally his eyes were glued to the very tip of that mountain.

He licked his lips as he saw the slow ooze of pre cum that came from the widened slit at the top of the bulbous head. The deep rich purple colour of the cock head only heightened by the soft milky white of the liquid that slowly came out, gently flowing around the rounded top and then ever so slowly moved down the sloped head towards the vein studded shaft that was as rigid as a granite slab. Each slow crawl of that liquid only made the ache inside of his rectum grow and deep within his body he felt the fires being stoked, felt the enormous rush of heat that came to his body and even as he stared at the thick head, the long thick pole, he felt the hot fire of his own pre cum once more dripping from his own spent cock. His lungs sucked in the rich warm night air, filling every space of his lungs and then more as he reached out with his hand and held the throbbing pole between his fingers, slowly wrapping each finger around the thick base.

With the huge cock held within his grasp, he could feel Dakota’s body growing harder by the second. His eyes no longer were clear as more sweat dripped down and joined the tears of anticipation that still sprung from them. His other hand now moved upwards and he saw the blurred shape of the round disk, saw it gently come up and then down onto the still oozing cream. He felt the sticky touch of the pre cum as he rested the round condom on top, slowly letting it conform to the oval shape of the purple coloured cock head. His hand shook to the electric shock that came from the hard throbbing pole and yet he held on, keeping it straight as his own heart began to race faster, the blood beginning to once more rush in a fury of desire deep within his own veins.

Noah’s body shuddered as the force of Dakota’s desire and need came to him and mingled with his own aching desire and the thin plastic sheath was suddenly unrolled and his fingers were pushing past his hand, pushing the thin coating down deep into the hot moist matted pubic hairs that surrounded Dakota’s trembling cock. He felt the rumble coming, felt the passion as his own body responded in kind. He could feel his own penis dripping and yet he could also feel the warmth of his rectum too, the feel of sweat that had trickled down his spine to flow thru his two cheeks, to run down his valley where soon Dakota’s pulsing pole of passion would soon be nestled.

His hand stayed around the throbbing pole for a mere second or two as his head lifted up and he stared back up along Dakota’s trembling body. He could see the muscles inside the belly sucking in the golden flesh, see Dakota’s ribs sticking up even more as Dakota’s lungs eagerly sucked in the air. He could feel his own passion rising as he looked down to see the thin dry lips and then the flaring nostrils until finally his eyes rested on Dakota’s own eyes. They shone like a beacon in the dark of night and there was no star in the sky that could equal the brilliance of that shine either as Noah slowly moved his body upwards, slowly moved up beyond the hot throbbing organ that waited to impale itself deep into his body.

Now his knees rested against Dakota’s side, the knees digging into the hard flesh and he could feel the muscles rippling underneath, feel their coiled strength as he leaned forward so that his head now peered up and over Dakota’s face. He stared down at him, seeing nothing but love which only quickened the beat of his heart. His eyes looked fully into Dakota’s and he felt a warmth unlike any he had ever felt before. He could hear his eyes asking him, making sure it was what he desired and he could hear the answer as his hand reached down and found the thick throbbing pole. He sat upright, the pulsing pole in one hand, the other resting to one side of Dakota’s body as he lifted upwards, his buttocks now high up in the air over Dakota’s groin and his eyes grew blank for a moment, a strange thought of how it must be to be in love and then suddenly he felt the pain reaching for him, the hard stinging pain as his body lowered down, the thick throbbing pole wedged hard into the valley of his buttocks.

His mouth flew open to allow the excruciating pain to have a voice but even before he could scream, even before the hard ripping pain could find a home in his body he felt the love rising up inside and instead of a cry of pain, instead of a shriek of agony he heard his voice crying out for more, felt his body shudder and shake as it no longer hesitated but instead flung itself further down onto the hard thick pole that now spread him apart like steel thru butter. His whole body rocked to the sudden impaling of Dakota’s thick pole into his own virgin rectum.

As the pain of entry threatened to overwhelm him he saw Dakota’s face. Noah’s head had flung itself backwards, his face stretched taut by the waves of immense pain that came rushing inside of him and yet he could see that face now, see the eyes as they stared at him, see the smile that would sometimes curl across Dakota’s mouth when he was happy. Images of him driving with his hair blowing in the wind as he turned a corner or how he leaned against a wall while waiting all came to him as the thick throbbing pole filled his insides, stretched his velvet lining beyond capacity and made his muscles squeal in terror as they were pushed aside and made to move aside from the thick pulsing shaft that now dominated his insides.

Just as he could suddenly see Dakota’s face it was gone and this time as he felt the wave of pain coming to him he could see that hard thick cock glimmering in front of his eyes. He saw the thickened veins and the way they pulsed as blood rushing thru the insides and as he saw that he felt it now, felt that thickened veins of Dakota’s penis pushing into his insides, felt the warm pulse of blood as it pushed thru the veins towards that trembling orb that seemed to be growing thicker and hotter as it ploughed deeply into his body.

His cries were shouts of joy now as he could feel Dakota, feel not just the hard thrust of his penis but the wild beat of his heart, the shrieks of his soul, the immense thunder of his spirit as they all came rushing into his body with each push, with each thrust of that weapon into his body. The sounds of Dakota invaded his innermost thoughts just as Dakota’s penis invaded his virgin body. The muscles no longer protested but instead rejoiced as they felt the heat of passion that came with the wild beat of Dakota’s heart and soul. Noah felt the tears now, felt them rolling down his face unheeded as his own body twisted and turned on the huge pole that it rested on.

The pain was gone, replaced by the excitement of suddenly no longer being alone, of no longer being unsure. No more did he fear who he was or what he was as he felt the blood rushing thru every vein and artery that wrapped around the thick pulsing pole. His body was Dakota’s just as Dakota’s was his and he knew it now, knew it for certain as he squeezed his knees in tighter, Dakota’s voice echoing in his ears as he cried out his love, his need for Noah.

They didn’t hear the flutter of birds that rose from around them, frightened by the passion of their union. They could hear nothing but the thunder of their love as their hearts joined as one. Noah’s body continued to slide up and down the trembling pole that linked them together and with each thrust of his body, he could feel the love embracing him, feel its raw power even as he flung his hips to one side, jerking and twisting to squeeze and hug tightly the pole that was impaled inside of him. His mind could only think of how good it felt, at how hot he was and at how much he loved the full feeling that kept running through his body.

Every part of him ached as he rocked from side to side each time he thrust his body down hard into Dakota’s groin. Each time he pushed to where even the boards beneath them groaned from the pressure he could only feel nothing but a sense of love, of desire that made the pain seem non existent, almost as if it was just a passing pin prick even as his body suddenly found itself in a field surrounded by nothing but warmth and love. His mind couldn’t explain it but his heart understood as it pounded faster and faster as it pushed his blood harder, making it rush to and fro in time with the urgent beat and push coming from Dakota’s own thundering heart. He could hear him, feel his thoughts even as their bodies continued to crush into each other, as Dakota’s hard throbbing pole continued to tear deep into his body, touching him where no other living being had ever been before. He felt it and more than that he could see it now, see the hard thick pole slicing thru his insides as he rocked to one side, as he lifted up for a second and then slammed his own body back down, as the huge thick pole split his innards and cruised deeper with each thrust, each push, each jolt.

His breath grew shorter as he felt his body become a blur of motion, the speed increasing as he dug hard into Dakota’s soft fleshy sides, the bone crushing inwards to rub against Dakota’s own bones. The pain growing as his excitement rose and his lungs ached for air and yet still the beat of his heart only grew faster, only grew more insistent as he rose up and then pushed down in an increasing fury of desire and passion. His tongue hung from the corner of his mouth as his eyes took on a glazed look and still the image of that hard thick pole stayed with him, even growing in size and in detail as his body let the hard pole dig deeper and deeper inside.

Dakota’s voice crying out didn’t even register nor did the sound of his own strident cries make a dent on his thoughts as he felt the hot thick pole slicing and digging into his body. He could feel the pain now, the wonderful pain of passion that filled him with each thrust, each push and he only urged his body onwards, desperate for more, eager to have more as his body continued its wild gyrations, continued to squeeze and hug and tug at the thick throbbing pole the jerked from side to side deep within his bowels. His whole body shook and he felt the wave of tremors that coursed thru his body, reaching his toes and his fingertips and even the very edges of each strand of his hair as he felt Dakota’s love fill him, nurture him and hold him.

Sweat became a river of hot steaming water that flowed all down his body, running across his heaving chest and cascading down onto Dakota’s own raging torrent of sweat. He could hear the distant sound of the streams of water that flowed off his body and yet it only made him go faster, made him desire even more as his body began to tremble, as his own throbbing cock continued to be hard and full despite already having exploded all across Dakota’s chest. The sweat mingled from his body with Dakota’s was barely halted or slowed by the dried cake of his cream that only heightened his passion and drove Dakota to push up harder to greet each downward thrust of Noah’s own body. He could feel the hot liquid as it rolled down his back and swirled around the mountains that were his cheeks, the flesh directing the roaring river of liquid to flow down between them, deep down into his valley where it would come up against the huge pulsing pole that flew in and out of him. Each stream only sizzling and turning to steam as it ran up against the hot burning flesh that was being forced deep into Noah’s body.

Dakota’s cries finally reached thru and Noah felt the sudden thrust as Dakota heaved upwards in one huge giant push that only drove his 8 inch long pole deeper than even Noah thought possible. He could almost taste the burning flesh as it pressed hard deep inside of him, his knees quivered as they hung on, digging harder and harder into Dakota’s body as his head rolled from side to side. He could feel the vein suddenly double in size, feel the blood boiling as it raced thru and he felt the hard bang as the huge thick cock head jerked from side to side deep within his body. He felt it and felt the hot juice flooding out, held back from his own insides by the thin plastic but he could still feel it, still feel its force as it pushed the plastic up and off the fiery cock head but it held as his legs squeezed harder, his muscles finally grabbing hold of the jerking penis insides.

The harsh sound of Dakota struggling to breath mingled with his own exhausted huffs for air as his body could no longer move, the pain replaced by the dull throb of exhaustion as he felt himself falling forward, his body no longer able to support itself upright as the thick throbbing pole continued to jerk from side to side, as it continued to explode its milk that now thickened and stretched the plastic sheath all around it. Noah could feel the thick streams as they rolled down the throbbing pole, feel the hot milky cream turning to steam as it rolled against the sizzling flesh that burned inside of him. His mouth was open and his tongue felt parched and dry as his body finally rested on top of the heaving molten flesh of Dakota’s chest. The huge cock no longer buried deep into his body, a vast emptiness now filling his mind as he tried to move, to get his own exhausted body off the heaving chest, desperate for air as he tried to put into thoughts what had just happened to him.

The warm night air continued to gently blow across the two heaving bodies and the birds that had been frightened off slowly returned, once more to nestle in the trees and brush as the wild sounds of passion no longer scared them, no longer pierced the calm quiet of the night. The stars high up in the heavens continued to twinkle and shine down upon the sweat glistening flesh of the two boys as the only sound now that could be heard was that of their bodies slowly trying to recover, slowly trying to regain a state of composure.

Part 2

The echo of his heart’s thundering noise still danced in his ears and in his mind as he lay there, his body consumed by the wild gyrations still even though they had long since stopped. He couldn’t believe how he could still feel every second no, every millisecond of that time when he was buried deep into Noah’s twisting and turning body. His mind still reeled from the site of Noah’s head rolling around on his shoulders, the eyes blazing in a sort of wild colour of blue with white that seemed to leap out every other heart beat. It was still amazing to him as he felt his chest still heaving, still struggling for air even though the time had long since past that he needed every breath, every molecule of oxygen and yet still he could barely control his breathing.

He had given up trying to speak, to even move really as his body was pinned to the floor not by Noah’s weight but by the sheer utter exhaustion he felt in every part of his body. His legs felt like lead, his arms were so weighted down he was certain that the entire tree had fallen in on him and yet he knew nothing rested on top of his gleaming naked body except the draped arm of Noah. God how that felt to have that limp arm laid across his still heaving chest and yet despite the feeling of unbearable weight on his body, the feel of Noah’s arm wasn’t like any weight at all, more like a feather gently floating on top of his skin. He could feel the matted tiny hairs that he had on his chest tingle with the wind’s breeze or was it from Noah’s closeness?

Dakota couldn’t be sure which it was and for his money he was fairly certain it was Noah’s closeness and not the warm night air that made him tingle still. First to have felt Noah deep inside of his own body had been one sensation that still made him moan a little, still made his body itch as it craved more of the sweet throbbing pole that had entered him but even that paled in comparison to the vivid images that flashed still before his eyes. How amazing it was to have seen that young pale body rising above him, to tower even over him and then the touch. Oh God that first touch of his fingers against the base of his cock had almost made him explode right then and there and yet he hadn’t, instead he had held on far longer than he thought possible given all that he had experienced, that he had felt.

His body quivered a little as he continued to see the wild images of Noah’s body above his, the strange look on his face as he had first lowered his body onto his and the sudden popping open of his eyes as he let Dakota’s thick tool enter him. He still shook at the mere thought of that moment, at how Noah’s face suddenly went pure white as the pain came to him and yet too it was like almost at the same time that he saw the eyes flicker and flash and while the face was chalk white from the tearing aside of his hole his body seemed to suddenly have grown hotter, the desire suddenly becoming stronger than the pain he had been feeling. Dakota could still see the transformation as the pain that was rising was halted just as Noah’s mouth opened wide to yell and instead he could see the desire, the absolute commitment to what he was doing suddenly take charge of his body and no more pain was left etched across Noah’s face. He saw the eyes shake in their sockets as Noah forced his body lower, forced more of Dakota’s thick pole into his tight rectum.

Shivered with reliving of the moment made the arm move slightly down his chest, now resting across the flat washboard belly and Dakota heard a soft murmur of joy come from just next to his shoulder. He couldn’t believe the feelings he still felt, could still feel really as he felt the soft gentle breath of Noah fan across his shoulder, only making him tremble a little more as the images continued to play in his mind and in his heart and deep in his soul. To see that face, all scrunched up as it pushed down, as Noah’s will and desire took charge over the pain and forced it away, as it let in Dakota’s love and passion was something he couldn’t still quite accept or believe. No one had ever shown him such devotion, such passion as Noah showed him in that one brief second when he battled the sudden pain of entry with his own desire to feel the love and to make them both become one.

For him the amazing thing was that he had felt that pain himself, felt the sudden searing jolt his entry had caused Noah and he had wanted to stop, wanted to pull his thick throbbing pole away but something, whether it was Noah’s own body or his own need that held him in place he wasn’t sure, but he hadn’t resisted, he had laid there still, letting the desire from above decide the choice. His own body had felt like a steel rope all twisted and coiled ready for unleashing and yet he could still feel every flinch of Noah’s muscles, every sinew that shook and shuddered to his entry. It was amazing and he shook his head a little, wondering how lucky could he be to have felt such love, such passion and at his age too?

There was no doubt now in his mind as to how much he loved and cared for Noah, and he could feel that love that passions being returned to him a thousand fold. Each time he would ask himself if Noah was the one he would now see that face, the eyes gazing outwards lost in the moment of pain and sweet joy all at once. Turning his face slightly he stared across at Noah who lay next to him. His eyes were closed but he could tell that he was awake, that he too was reliving those moments and for a second he wondered what he was thinking, what he was feeling about that time when once more he saw Noah’s face towering above him and he had his answer.

“It’s weird isn’t it?”

For a moment or two he didn’t move, instead he just laid there, his arm resting across the rippling belly of his man, of his lover. How good it felt to feel those muscles shake and tremble each time his arm moved just a fraction of an inch even, knowing that it desired him almost as much as its owner did. He could feel any better even though every part of his body ached and groaned from the experience. Hell he could still feel the emptiness in his rectum from where Dakota’s cock had briefly filled. Just thinking that brought up the clearest image of that hot thick pulsing pole and he could feel his tongue licking at his lips as he wondered how it would feel to ride that pole again, knowing his body was unable to move and yet the desire was there, just as fervent as before if not more so. He had a taste of it and as much as the pain continued to roll deep inside of him, he wanted to feel it again and for longer and deeper than before.

His eyes flashed and he knew that Dakota could read his thoughts, knew that the hot stud next to him desired him as much as he did and that he was willing to oblige but that he too couldn’t move, that all their energy had been spent and was still not yet returned. If this wasn’t love then he didn’t know if he could survive love because he had given this his all and had barely survived it. The pain was so intense inside of him and yet it didn’t hurt like he had thought, at least not in the way he had thought. In some ways it had hurt more but in a weird sort of way that made him happy, made him want to feel it over and over again. His body trembled with the notion of once more rising up, of once more straddling Dakota’s long lithe body and of taking that massive organ deep inside, but as much as he wanted it, he knew that he just didn’t have the strength to even lift his head up.

“Kind of, in a good way though…”

“Yeah, I never, I mean I want you so much but… I am wasted man, you totally were awesome Noah, I mean…”

“Me? Shit if I had only known how good this would feel after I’d never have freaked before, God Dakota is it always like this?”

“I don’t know, this is like a first for me too, I never felt this drained before, never. And yet as drained as I feel I wish I could just reach out and lift you up and sit you on top again, but I can barely move my head… I can’t believe how I feel Noah, it was so… so…”

Just hearing him talk like that made him squirm a little and he could feel that press inside, that special touch as Dakota’s hard throbbing pole had dug deep down into his body and once more he felt its power, felt it radiant heat as he heard the desire in Dakota’s voice. Yeah he could imagine that and he could see those strong arms holding him by the waist, hoisting him up to sit him down squarely on top of that fiery purple cockhead with the veins sticking out and pulsing as the blood rushed thru them. God he wished that Dakota would do that, lift him up and fill him again but then too he knew he would never last a second, that his body just was too spent, too drained to even sit upright for more than a second, if that.

“Me too, and yet I can think of lots of words to say, but, shit, they don’t fit, they aren’t as… you know as meaningful I guess… silly huh?”

“Uh huh, it is kind of like, I don’t know, like a drug I guess, a good kind that just overtakes you, damn I wish I knew how to say this”

“You are doing fine Dakota, just hearing your voice is enough, Christ I didn’t think I’d be able to speak after that first… well you know, that first rush. Except, I don’t know, it only got more intense, god I want to do it again, and again…”

It was exactly how he felt too and he could feel it as Noah said it. The way his body suddenly grew hot and how the blood inside started to boil the instant his penis touched that moist pink hole and he felt the jolt of electricity pass between them, uniting them in the passion that they both felt for each other. It really did feel like that and yet in some ways it felt different too, like it wasn’t at full force yet, as if there was still more juice in the jolt to be released if they dared. It scared him that what they had done so far might only be a small taste of what lay ahead and yet it also thrilled him and made him think of Montana once more, at how he had spoken to him that night, telling him how when he found Mr Right that he would know how Montana had felt and how all people who truly loved another felt. IT was like he had suddenly been granted permission to be a part of some exclusive club, and he only had one foot in the door for now.

“Really?”

“Um, yeah, but I cant move, I feel like every bone is gone from my body… well almost everyone, shit, I can’t believe it but I got a boner right now”

“Haha, Christ, me too, well not totally but its getting there”

Noah’s eyes opened a bit wider as he looked into Dakota’s face and stared into the rich chocolate eyes. God how dreamy they looked, so rich, so full of desire that he wished he could just reach out and lick them, tasting that rich flavour that was Dakota. He breathed in deeply, smelling the scent that was partly Dakota but also partly him and he smiled, his hard groin beginning to ache even more as the thick vein pulsed before his eyes and he saw it again, the deep mottled red flesh glowing in front of him. God to think that it looked even bigger now than when he had first really looked at it and to think that he couldn’t wait to feel it dive deep into his tiny hole once more only made his ache grow stronger, his desire become stronger.

“Shit, are we weird or is this the way it is supposed to be?”

“Fuck if I know”

“Huh? But I am not your first… how can you…”

“No, you aren’t my first, uh, my first fuck, it is just, shit, it is like you are my first in so many other ways, like, well, it is like all I ever did before this, with the others, was enter and pump and cum, but this wasn’t that, I can’t… I can’t explain it Noah, but it is like you were my first, the first one I ever really wanted to be with, in this way and any other way possible, shit, I sound like a damn flamer, it is just that, I don’t know how this is supposed to be, I never cared for anyone this way before, not like I do for you…”

“For real?”

“Yeah”

“Me too”

Somehow Noah managed to find enough energy to move his body closer so that his warm flesh was touching Dakota’s body wherever possible. His hand had moved down the belly, his fingers resting just above the groin, the fingers lightly laid outwards, as if they were reaching once more for that hot throbbing pole. His eyes were flashing as he continued to stare deeply into Dakota’s face, seeing the passion there, feeling it reach for his own and knowing that what he felt for Dakota was real, wasn’t just a dream or something worse but that it was for real, that it existed here and now and forever.

“I know”

“Spooky huh?”

“Kind of, uh, this is so weird and yet, fuck Noah I wish we could always be together and yet…”

“Me too, but we’ll see each other at school, after all we share a locker, remember?”

“Haha, how could I forget, but shit… school… fuck that is going to be hard… I mean uh, well, you know…”

For the moment all he could think of was what it would be like to have Dakota one more time, to summon the energy to do it just once more before he fell asleep but the mention of school ended his passion and his sudden urge to feel that hard thick pole once more. The fear rose quickly and he could feel it coming not just from his own mind but he could feel it coming from Dakota too. God, how could he have forgotten about school and guys like Hector?

“Shit, I don’t know, do you think they’ll find out? I mean if we just play it cool during the day, they will never know, right?”

Everything grew darker for him as he tried to answer Noah, tried to wonder if he could really keep his hands from reaching out for Noah each time they saw each other or would his desire betray them both? Would he be able to hold back from just wanting to grab Noah and hug him and kiss him or would his need for him put them both at risk? Christ he felt so scared all of a sudden, knowing that exposure would hurt Noah more than him in many ways, he at least had a taste of that when it got around about Montana but still, how could he let Noah experience any of that?

“Fuck, I don’t know, I mean, not like we have a choice really, and yet, shit, I don’t know Noah, if they do it’ll be fucking hell, if we can keep it between us that will be fucking hell too, I mean, I just… I just want to be with you, to hold you and stuff, and… shit I don’t know”

Noah could hear the pain and fear in Dakota’s voice and he felt it too, unsure of what he could say or do to help because he knew better than Dakota what it would be like if guys like Hector ever found out about them. He could feel the cold creeping thru his body where only a few minutes earlier it had felt like a blast furnace inside of him, now it was becoming like a frozen wasteland as his mind conjured up a myriad of horrors, worse than any painted words on a locker had been. His heart ached as his hand rested on Dakota’s belly, trembling with the fear until he felt the soft squeeze of Dakota’s hand on top of his own. Noah felt the love reaching for him and yet he also felt the fear, both battling within him for dominance as he wondered if he could keep his desire secret, if he could not suddenly run towards Dakota each time he saw him in the hallway or even if he could hold back from wanting to just nestle into the crook of his arm each morning. The fear was winning as he felt Dakota’s hand take his and move it up to Dakota’s face, and he felt the soft brush of his lips against the back of his hand and finally he managed to turn his face upwards and gaze into the face of the boy who had captured his heart and soul.

“Dakota… I… I don’t know if… I mean I know I have to, it is just that…”

“I know, me too Noah, but we don’t have any choice, fuck, why does it have to be like this? Fuck… Damn them, maybe we should… I mean…”

“What? I don’t…”

“I can’t, I wish I could, but Noah this will only, I mean… fuck I want you so badly, to be with you always, but if we do, you are going to get hurt, and I don’t want that… I couldn’t live with that, I mean you deserve…”

“Stop it, you are scaring me Dakota, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know, maybe we should… should just stop this…”

“WHAT?” NO! No Dakota, please, you can’t mean that… Please I don’t know how I could… NO! NO I WON’T LET You!”

It was like a knife being driven slowly into his heart. How could Dakota even think that he wondered as he suddenly found the strength to sit up, to yank his hand from out of Dakota’s grasp as his whole body shook with a mixture of rage and fear. How dare he try that, after what he had gone through to think that Dakota could even think something like that had him in turmoil and yet the fear inside knew that all Dakota was doing was trying to protect him.

Well fuck that he thought, he wasn’t some 12 year old kid, he was almost a man and so what if they found out, fuck them because what he had with Dakota none of them would ever have, he knew that in his soul as his body ached from the sudden movement and yet he ignored it, sitting up and staring down at the surprised Dakota. No, he wouldn’t give up what he had just found because some fucking assholes were scared of who they were, it was their problem not his and he wouldn’t let this go, no fucking way would he let Dakota be anything less than he was to him now. He couldn’t, not if what he felt had been real and he could feel the throb inside of him, that special ache that he had felt the second Dakota had penetrated his body and become a part of him. No, this wasn’t going to be his first and last time feeling that way, not as long as he could breath and the fire in his soul rose up, his eyes flashed with bolts of anger and passion as he tried to control his breathing, as he tried to formulate the words he needed to convince Dakota that he was more than able to handle this, that he was willing to take whatever happened as long as he could be with Dakota.

“You don’t realize how bad it can be Noah, Shit, I don’t want this, God you have to believe me, I wish I could be with you, 24 hours a day every day of the week, I have never felt like this before, never really wanted to be with someone half as much as I want to be with you, please, you have to believe that”

“I do, Christ I do Dakota, but I won’t let you sacrifice us because of them, they don’t deserve it, hell I don’t deserve it, not now, not after tonight, I couldn’t handle it.”

Dakota saw the way Noah’s eyes were glaring, the fire inside flickering with each word that Noah spoke. It was like tiny bolts of lightning each time he said a word, tiny bolts that flashed and pierced outwards. His own body ached as he too found the strength to sit up, to look directly into Noah’s face and as much as he admired the sudden courage he doubted if Noah could keep it up for long. He had been there, had seen how it worn his own brother down until finally Montana had simply walked away, beaten and cowed by the ignorance of just a few. None of his so called friends had dared to stand up to it, the one or two who had thought about it were quickly shouted down or worse, felt the wrath of those ignorant few. He had seen it and he knew what to expect, some of that ignorance had spilled out to him, one reason why he put himself thru the torture of living the double life. Why he dated girls when they revolted him and why he even had sex with them, all so he could spare himself that same torture that his brother had endured.

“I know that, I know it isn’t right, but fuck what else can we do? I know I couldn’t go seeing you without betraying our secret, I know I am not that strong, not around you, shit… and you know you aren’t either, Christ man you shot your wad just being next to me and that was before tonight, how the fuck are you going to control how you feel now? No, this sucks but…”

“No, I won’t let you, I don’t care what you say, I’ll find a way to control it, just like you will, please Dakota…”

“I can’t Noah, I don’t care for myself, it is you I care about, and those guys, they’ll eat you alive, trust me I have seen just a hint of that crap, I know what I am saying…”

He was losing the fight, he could sense it in Dakota’s voice and the thought of never once more touching, holding, or even kissing Dakota was too much for him. Tears rolled down his face as he sat there, legs crossed in front of him and his head bowed down but deep inside, where he still could feel Dakota’s presence he refused to surrender, refused to give up what seemed like a hopeless struggle.

“Fine, then I’ll… I’ll out myself”

At first he didn’t think he heard him right but then he knew inside that he had and he felt the cold chill racing up and down his spine. How could Noah even think of doing something like that? Didn’t he understand that by doing that he would get the crap kicked out of him? SHit, if he did do that, could he stand by and let that shit happen to the guy he said he cared for? Fuck, he was screwed either way because all he wanted was to protect Noah, to not let him get hurt and so he knew that by sacrificing what he wanted, by letting Noah go he could do that, would all be for nothing if Noah went and did that. How could he? Didn’t he realize how it would all play out? It was confusing to him, and he wasn’t sure how or what to say, because he never had felt this way before, never understood what it had meant to be in love until now, and it made no sense.

“Huh? Noah… Christ don’t talk stupid”

“I am not, I mean it, what difference will it make?”

“A fucking lot, shit if you go do that, I mean, you don’t have to, don’t you see? This is what I am trying to tell you, if we stop this now, you won’t have to do that, no one will know about you, you will be safe”

“Safe? Fuck that shit man, I know how I feel, in here, inside me right now, I know that what I felt when you were inside, it is what I want to feel all the time, if I can’t have that then what the fuck is the use? What difference does it make then if they know or not? Least this way I’ll be who I am, not some stupid wimp hiding…”

“Christ Noah, you’ll get the crap beaten out of you, and take it from me, that isn’t a good feeling, hell it won’t make you feel any more like a man…”

“I don’t care, I mean it Dakota, if I can’t have you why should I hide who I am? So what if I get knocked down a few times or punched, what fucking difference will that make? Okay, it’ll hurt, I’ll probably cry too, so what? It can’t hurt any more than how I am hurting right now, just imagining what it would be like not to hold you, not to touch you or kiss you or anything… no, I’d rather get punched than live without you.”

He felt desperate now, seeing the look coming into Noah’s eyes and he remembered that look, it was no different of a look than the one Montana had when he finally gave up, when he finally let himself stop fighting and it tore deep into Dakota’s heart as he felt like he was about to lose again. It was as if he was been shown a glimpse of what could be and then just as he was about to reach for it, to embrace it, it was suddenly taken away from him, just as Montana had been snatched from him too.

“Fuck… Noah… I can’t… I can’t let you do that, don’t you see? It isn’t about a punch or two, fuck they’ll get you down, they’ll take the boots to you, fuck man they could kill you… is that what you want?”

Strange, as much as Dakota tried to scare him he didn’t care. It was almost as if someone had switched off a light inside of him and all he could think about was how lonely, how empty his whole life would be without Dakota to share it with. It was freaky because he couldn’t understand the feeling, couldn’t quite explain it to himself let alone to anyone else but it was sort of, well sort of like without Dakota there would be a huge hole inside of him. A hole that no one could ever fill but Dakota and he just knew that he couldn’t live with that hole, it just wouldn’t be worth it and he grew resigned to knowing that his own life just wouldn’t be anything with that hole inside. The thought of someone or more than just one kicking at him, punching at him, it didn’t appeal to him and in fact it did scare him but that fear was nothing compared to the fear of trying to live with that hole inside.

“Maybe”

“Noah!”

“I don’t care Dakota, if I can’t be with you, what difference does it make?”

“Fuck that is dumb, you will find someone else, give it time, shit man, you can’t just… I mean…”

“Find someone else? Yeah maybe, but they’ll never touch me the way you have, they’ll never make me feel the way you do, even now, so why bother? I don’t want second best, I want you”

“Noah… please, think about this…”

“I have, I mean it, I don’t give a shit what Hector or any of them do if it means not having you, don’t you see that? We are meant for each other, I knew that the second I saw you leaning on the locker, you know it, you felt it too, tell me you didn’t, tell me right now you don’t feel the same way? Go on, tell me!”

“I can’t… shit you know that”

“Then…”

‘Then’ echoed inside his head as he sat there, knowing that he was facing a choice, a decision that would perhaps define him. Funny, he had thought that his taking the chance to go and knock on Noah’s window that first night would be that moment, would be the one thing that would define who he was but now, now he realized that it was only a prelude to this moment in time. He lowered his head to stare down at his naked legs crossed in front of him, his hands rested on them and he could see the slight murmur or vibration of his fingers as his heart pounded loudly inside of his chest.

How could he let Noah do what he said he’d do if he cared for him? How could he stand by and let others beat on him or worse if he really felt the way he thought he had felt the second he had seen Noah coming down the hallway? It was just like he had said, the instant he saw the smaller figure walking he felt that hitch in his heart and now, after all that they had felt he knew that moment hadn’t been an illusion, that it was real, just as Montana had warned him it would be.

Funny, he could sit here now knowing that what he said next would make or break him as a person, and yet he could hear his brother’s laugh, see his face smiling as he had explained to his 13 year old brother how love was a wonderful feeling that filled you with strange new feelings, that it would soothe you in times of trouble and yet lead you to trouble too because it was a hard taskmaster. It would demand your best not just once in awhile but always and he knew now that his love for Noah was just that, demanding of him something he didn’t know if he could give.

His heart was still now, the beat suddenly quietened down as his spirit ached as he tried to make the right decision. He wasn’t sure which way to turn and then he felt his brother’s presence. His eyes grew moist as he hesitantly lifted his head to gaze outwards, and he saw Noah’s face before him. God how beautiful he looked, so loving, so caring and as he looked at the face he saw his brother’s face too, his own dark eyes piercing with the flame of life inside as he seemed to be resting his head on Noah’s shoulder. He felt his presence inside too as his heart skipped a beat and his lungs sucked in a breath of air.

A strange warmth came to him, forcing the cold chill of his fear back, and he stared at Noah and his brother, the two people who had touched his heart unlike any other person had. He felt the love coming from both and he closed his eyes, afraid of looking, afraid that it would be the last time he would see those two faces and yet as his eyes closed, he felt the warmth, felt the sudden rise of temperature deep down inside of him and then he could hear the soft beat next to his heart, the soft gentle beat of not one but of two hearts and he trembled from the fear of it, knowing that Noah and his brother were both with him now, both of them trying to see into his own heart, to see what he truly felt and he panicked at that for a moment or two, wishing he could jump up and run away but his body refused his mind, and he sat there, trembling with the fear that they would know his secret, his thoughts.

The sound of his brother’s voice in his ear made him start a little, made his body squirm too as he heard him talking, heard him asking him why he was so afraid, asking him why he was willing to be alone when right across from him sat his perfect match, his perfect partner. He had no answer for his brother as he lifted his eyelids open, to stare into Noah’s face, to see the powder blue eyes gazing at him with nothing but love inside of them. He could feel his heart too, the soft gentle beat and once more he felt that moment, felt the wild strange feeling that had rushed into his body the split second that his hard throbbing pole had pierced the inside of Noah’s virgin body.

“Then… then I guess we take them on together”

Noah had sat perfectly still, seeing the way Dakota’s face was all scrunched up as he tried to work it all out inside of him and he didn’t feel frightened now. It was like the war was over and that somehow Dakota would not abandon him. He felt it, deep inside and he couldn’t explain it but the fear he had was gone, only a soft warm glow seemed to fill his body as he had stared at Dakota, waiting and now he had his answer and still he just sat there, still and quiet as he looked deep down into Dakota’s heart. He had felt his fear, knew that it wasn’t just that Dakota had been afraid for him, but that Dakota had feared that he might not be strong enough to face the Hector’s himself. Somehow though, he had worked beyond that, and he sighed a little as he realized that for now, that hole would not happen.

He felt the love around him and he could see Dakota’s eyes now, the way they were still scared but at least no longer did he look petrified by that fear and he glanced down, to see that they both were holding onto each other’s hands. He had no idea when or how it had happened but it had. He closed his fingers over Dakota’s a bit tighter now as he felt the love warming his heart and chasing away the last remnants of fear that lingered near by. Noah was about to speak when they heard the cry, the shrill voice of a girl calling their names.

Dakota heard it too and for a moment or two he just ignored it, but finally he yelled out, asking Arizona what it was she wanted. His impatience rather a pleasing sound to Noah who noticed that both of them were once more fully aroused, which quickly ended as Arizona answered her brother.

“Ma sent me, uh Noah’s parents are here for him, so uh… you better get decent and hurry back, I don’t think uh… just hurry okay?”

The Locker – Chapter 7

 

Chapter 7

Choose thy love. Love thy choice.

– German Proverb

Part 1

He opened his eyes slowly, not quite sure where he was and then he felt the warm chest under his head rising in a steady rhythm and he suddenly felt relaxed and at ease. His own breathing began to rise a little as he thought about where he was and he moved his head a little to stare up at the clear blue sky that lay above him, no city lights to interfere with the pristine view or cloud it over. He sighed a little thinking of how lucky he was and how much he felt like fate had somehow taken a hand and made him come to this point, now if he could only manage to do his part, maybe then all this would be exactly as he dreamed?

No, thinking like that wasn’t going to help, because nothing he had dreamed of could ever equal how he was feeling right now, or had felt all the time he had been here or with Dakota. Nothing in all of his reading, his searching could ever equal the warmth he was feeling inside, the strange ease at which he now felt. Funny, he could feel the dried love between his legs and normally that feeling always irritated him but now, now it was like a badge of proof, a symbol maybe that he wasn’t alone anymore.

Noah turned his face away from the distant stars to gaze down at Dakota and was surprised to see Dakota’s dark brown eyes gazing up at him. He felt a strange thrill go thru his whole body, as he looked deep into those rich brown eyes, feeling a sense of love that he never felt before, a sense that he was something special to this tall lanky boy whose chest he was resting on. He could feel the tingle growing between his legs too as he felt the soft gentle touch of Dakota’s fingers against his cheek as Noah continued to look into the eyes. It was everything he had ever imagined love to be and oh so much more that he wanted to shout it out, to stand up and proclaim his love and as he thought of it, he felt the gentle touch of Dakota’s finger tips against his lips, gently brushing past his thin pale lips, making his heart scream in pure pleasure.

Nothing had ever felt so good, so sensual as that simply touch and that loving look and yet as he stared down at him he knew that what they had right now was just that, it was now and there was still tomorrow and the next day to think about. Funny, he never really thought much about tomorrow, instead he just dealt with what was going on now but being here, being in Dakota’s arms like this was making him think of other things, about a future that was both intriguing as well as frightening. There was so much ahead of him and as he thought about that he knew that as long as he had Dakota to share it with, nothing that was out there could be too tough, too difficult. Noah sighed as he snuggled down into Dakota’s warm beating chest, hearing the heart beat go just a little faster as he lips lightly touched the soft smooth tanned flesh, tasting a little salty but also very sweet to the brush of his mouth.

His body trembled a little as Dakota’s fingers moved down his face, down his chin to gently lift it up so that he could continue to gaze into Noah’s face. It was strange, but he could hear the soft gentle whispers of the wind blowing thru the tree, hear that soft rustle of leaves shaking a little and yet despite all of those sounds, the one sound that he heard the most was Dakota’s heart beating next to his own body. His hand moved down the side of Dakota’s body, touching the cool flesh and feeling the taught muscles beneath the flesh, feeling them shiver to his touch, which only made his own heart, beat a tad faster. It was so unreal, to feel someone reacting to his touch, to enjoy his presence that he sighed, a sort of content sound that brought a small smile to Dakota’s face.

God how perfect was this? He shook a little as he felt the growing heat between his legs, knowing that his body was once more reacting but he no longer panicked, no longer worried that he might once more embarrass himself or disappoint Dakota because he could feel it inside, could feel the warmth that Dakota had for him, not for his body but for him. Strange, he had always wondered how he’d react, how he’d feel if he ever met that special someone and now that he was feeling it, there simply were no words to explain it, no images that could equal it in his mind either and he nestled in closer, feeling the warmth growing between their two bodies.

Dakota “Are you cold?”

Noah “No, you?”

Dakota “No, not with you on top, you keep me warm”

Noah “Should I move? I mean…”

Dakota “Sssh, don’t move, I love this feeling, the way you are, it just feels right, ya know?”

Noah “Mmm, it is how I feel too”

Everything was just like Montana had told him except even more so. He smiled up at Noah, feeling his legs brushing up against his and he could feel the growing bulge that was becoming harder with each beat of his own heart. God it felt so good, to feel someone like Noah next to him, to have someone like him that seemed to actually care about him and not just about sex. His own body was growing warmer by the second as he let his hands move down Noah’s thin frame, feeling the soft skin as his fingertips lightly moved along, feeling the way it felt and he could smell Noah too, his scent mingling with his own aroma to add a strange and yet powerful perfume to their closeness.

No one had made him cum like Noah had, not even Montana had that power over him and as he continued to let his hand move up and down Noah’s body he felt the exhilaration once more, the way he thought his heart would simply pop out from his chest as their breathing became so ragged, so hard to catch that he thought he’d suffocate. It all came rushing back to him and he could feel his own manhood rising again, feeling the need to be once more a proud indicator of his feelings. His eyes continued to stare at the soft lines around Noah’s face, the way he looked and now too the way he felt was something he still found amazing. He had touched Noah before, had held him before but even that all paled to the way he was feeling right at this moment. It was almost as if it was a first time for him and yet his mind knew it wasn’t, but still his body reacted like it was and he felt himself arch up a bit, trying to meld with Noah’s own warm skin.

Strange really, to feel this good and all that had happened was that they had both cummed without any hands, any entry, any oral help and he could still feel the dried milk on his legs and belly. It was a feeling of such warmth, such desire that he felt his body shake to the memory of that split second when Noah’s hard throbbing pole had reared back and then jerked forward with amazing strength and power to explode its love all over him. Suddenly he glanced down to see Noah’s eyes clearly open and gazing into his own face, and he smiled, enjoying the soft gentle touch of Noah’s hands along his sides, and his heart beginning to race faster as he felt the desire rising, felt the heat inside once more become fanned by his insatiable need for Noah. It was like he was being awakened from a long sleep, almost as if he was a furnace being stoked slowly and steadily and his hands moved with a bit more urgency now, pulling Noah up his body so that their heads now were closer, so that he could actually feel Noah’s breath against his own face.

The warm breath only drove his heart faster and he could see the look now, see the desire being returned which was all his soul needed. In a flash he could feel the fires that were merely flickering inside fan out and upwards, roaring into life with a new found strength that surprised him for a second or two as his hands stopped, holding Noah’s body at the hips, his fingers suddenly growing taut as they dug deep into the flesh.

Their eyes locked in that second and he could feel a growing tremor deep down in his body as his body shook and shuddered a little to the feel of Noah’s body on top of his own. He felt a warmth he had never experienced before, felt a giddiness that made him smile even more as he finally found the strength to let his fingers free, to move his hands up and to take hold of Noah’s head between both hands. He held onto the warm cheeks, keeping Noah’s face in parallel with his and then he lifted his head upwards, his long eyelashes fluttering a bit as they closed over his eyes and his lips lightly pressed up against Noah’s mouth.

The bolt of energy was amazing and he felt not only his whole body shake and rumble to it, but Noah’s as well. It was like the heavens had suddenly opened up and deluged them in a raging torrent of pure electricity. HIs body ached in such a way that he could feel the tears welling up at the corners of his eyes and all that from just a simple light kiss. His lips were gently brushing Noah’s when the full force of his desire came up from within and now his body grew hard, the muscles grew taut and coiled like steel bands. His tongue darted out suddenly just as his lips pushed forward hard, crushing into Noah’s waiting mouth. He tasted the salt around the lips as his tongue pressed between the two thin fleshy lips, banging against Noah’s teeth as if knocking on a door, demanding entry.

In a split second he felt Noah’s hands reaching down to press on his body and then wrap around his sides, the fingers digging deep into his flesh as the mouth parted hesitantly at first and then with an eagerness that only drove his desire higher, made his heart skip two or three beats as it reared back and began to race forward like a horse galloping towards the finish line for the last furlong. His body grew hotter as his mind could only stare blankly at the vivid images of Noah that now floated across his sight. He could see the way Noah wore his hair, the way it sometimes hung down over one eye, how it curled around the top lobe of one ear but completely hung straight down the other ear. All of it flashed across his mind as he felt his tongue snaking past the teeth and delving deep into the warm hot mouth that now eagerly awaited him.

Dakota tasted the salt and the sweetness all at once. His body groaned as his cock suddenly sprang upwards, fully gorged by the racing hot blood that now filled the huge thick member. He felt Noah’s hand reaching down, pushing past his arm and his stomach, almost as if he was trying to harness the huge pole that now stuck up and pressed into Noah’s thigh. He could feel his own desire welling up as he let his hands fall from Noah’s face, the one hand reaching out to his side, to reach for a plastic package but his fingers failed as his body shook to the passionate darting tongue that now swirled and licked at his own snaking tongue. He felt it lick at the underside of his tongue, making him groan with joy and he heard a soft gurgled whimper join him and he could feel the rising heartbeat of not just his own but of Noah’s heart as well.

With his hands to his side, he felt the sudden tremor explode all along his body as Noah’s hand finally reached his thick throbbing pole and he felt the touch of Noah’s fingers against his hot groin. It was another amazing bolt that seemed to make that first one seem like nothing more than a tickle. His legs grew taut and shook in a strange quiver that made Dakota’s toes curl up and ache. As the fragrance of the night filled the air with its perfume, Dakota could feel the rising scent of their desire filling his nostrils and making him sweat now, making his body feel like it was about to melt away in the night as he held onto Noah, his hands holding the trembling body closer, feeling the desire that Noah had for him enter his own body. He could feel the jolts coming to his own flesh from every pore in Noah’s body and he moaned now, enjoying the touch and press of Noah’s smaller body on his, revelling in the new feelings that were once more rampant thru his whole being. Even his mind couldn’t deny the pleasure as every one of his fears, every one of his doubts, every ounce of his pain was suddenly washed away before the building love that came flooding into him.

Dakota broke away from Noah, his head tilting back as he struggled for air and attempted to hold back the rising tide of passion that was coming to the forefront of his thoughts. His body shook as he felt the hot wet kisses on his chin and then his neck as Noah refused to stop, refused to deny his mouth the taste and pleasure of Dakota’s body and all Dakota could do was revel in it, enjoy it because his body was now a prisoner of Noah’s own desires. Everything he had thought about was no longer important; every doubt was vanquished by the strident desire that came rushing to him from Noah’s body. He felt the wetness on the hollow of his neck; the rough edged tongue licking and filling it with its own thickness and once more his voice rang out in pleasure. His legs were even more taut, harder and rigid than he thought possible as Noah’s body slipped down a few inches, his legs now dangling past the curled edges of Dakota’s toes. Noah’s own groin now hovered over Dakota’s crotch; the hard thick pole that had so proudly jutted upwards was now wedged between their two bodies, rubbing up between them both on their bellies.

He felt Noah reaching down, pulling his throbbing pole and positioning it between their rumbling stomachs, pulling Noah’s own hard but smaller cock to rest next to it, to make their poles lie between them as he pressed down with all of his weight and while his mouth continued to devour Dakota’s flesh. Both of Noah’s hands were wedged tightly between them, tightly under Noah’s groin and the hands were pressing hard into Dakota’s heavily laden sac, pressing against the two full eggs that nestled within and he could hear Noah moaning now, hear his own joy at the pleasure he was getting from being so close to him, so a part of his body that he reached over with his two hands to gently push Noah down even more, to let his mouth taste more of his chest and his body.

His eyes opened and he saw the brilliant light display of the night’s sky laid out before him as Noah teeth suddenly bit lightly on one nipple. His whole body leapt upwards, the pure joy almost too much for him as he felt his thick pole jerk backwards, the fiery hot cock head swelling up even more as blood poured from his limbs towards his groin. His pulse raced as his mind watched the unbelievable sparkle of the stars, wondering if this display was for him alone or was it just a prelude to what lay ahead for him? His thoughts became jumbled as his body fell backwards, his legs moving apart as he let Noah’s body slip down between them. Just as Noah’s hips were below Dakota’s own groin, his legs lifted upwards, the knees clamping tightly around Noah’s hips and holding him hard. Noah groaned now as his mouth licked and kissed the hot hard washboard stomach.

Dakota could see the brilliant white and blue lights clearly and he smiled knowing that Montana was watching and approving. He looked away from the heavens to look down his sweating body to see the sweat soaked strands of Noah’s hair flashing across his own flesh. He felt their almost whip like lash as Noah moved his head from side to side, eager to kiss and taste every inch of Dakota’s flesh, and he bit his lower lip, holding back the sudden urge to just lean back and let it all happen, to once more let his body explode freely but the desire inside held him back, urging him to go for more than the first blush of love and he cried out a little as his hand reached out, touching Noah’s head with the palm and then he pushed, his legs opening apart so that Noah’s body could easily slide further down Dakota’s body.

His arms suddenly shot outwards as the feeling of Noah’s body sliding down, the feeling of Noah’s hot flesh as it slid past the throbbing heat stick that was his cock was once more threatening to overwhelm him but somehow Dakota held on, his teeth biting down on his lower lip so hard that he tasted a thin trickle of blood but it was worth it, he knew that as his hands banged against the hard wooden floor. Once more his head was tilted back and he could see the sky as he felt the warm night’s air blowing across his face and yet as it passed over his face all he could think of was how gorgeous Noah looked, how exciting it felt to have his head moving down his body and his hands playing with his body. The small almost stubby fingers pressing into his hard flesh didn’t even hurt, it only reminded him of how much he wanted Noah, how much he needed him and how lost he’d be without him. His heart continued it erratic beat now, unsure if the rest of Dakota’s body could handle the thundering pace but deep down inside, deep within his soul he knew that not only could he handle this, but that this was merely a beginning for him.

With that certainty burning upwards Dakota reached down one last time, pushing Noah’s head a bit more down, and as he did he began to tremble. His whole body now shook uncontrollably as he felt the hot breath of Noah blow across his steaming cock head. He felt the blood leaving his hands and racing up his arms to flow thru every possible vein and artery towards the demanding pole that now was free of being held down by Noah’s body. It was standing upright now, the very tip of it jutting under Noah’s chin for a moment or two, the hot pre cum rolling down the thick fiery head in an unstoppable torrent. His legs were once more like steel as they wavered from lack of strength, the knees shaking even as there was a small pause.

Just for a brief instant Noah’s mouth wasn’t touching Dakota’s flesh and for a split second, Dakota’s body stopped its twitching. It was almost as if both were suddenly aware of what was ahead, as if all of the rest was nothing but a teaser to what was to come. He heard Noah sucking in air, filling his lungs and he glanced down, seeing the thin strands of blond hair gently lying across his now still belly. He could see the ends of the sweat soaked hair as they were laid out across his whole lower body and thru the various strands he could see Noah’s nose, see the sweat dripping down from his forehead and down the bridge of Noah’s nose, pooling only for a second before falling off the tip, to fall and evaporate on the hot flesh of his own body. Weird really because he hadn’t felt that before, now he could feel each drop of sweat that hit his lower belly and top of his crotch. It was like a gentle tapping and yet with each drop, each tap he could feel his heart thunder a bit, roar perhaps but in a different way, sort of like it was a signal coming into his heart, which was carefully answered.

Strange how he had never felt that sensation before and yet now, at this particular frozen moment in time he could. It held him in awe really because he couldn’t quite make it all out, but he knew that deep inside something was recognizing the signals, understanding the small taps that hit him. His muscles coiled too and he could feel them tingling, his nerves all on edge as the new sensations seemed to almost overpower them, almost but not quite. His body shuddered a little as he saw the powder blue eyes thru Noah’s wet blonde hair and his heart ached, struggling now to keep pace with the demands of his body. It was like he was being pulled out of his body even the way he felt so light headed, so detached in one sense and yet so mesmerized in another. Dakota knew that every part of his body was being tuned and honed for the coming moments and it was kind of scary, to realize that all of this was because of the boy kneeling down at his groin. Christ what would he do if Noah ever left him and he felt a strange emptiness threatening to overcome him but the beat of his heart, the pulse of his blood flowing thru his veins shunned the fear and Dakota watched as Noah lowered his head, his lips now held a hairbreadth above his tightened belly.

Noah had seen the desire in Dakota’s eyes and he felt it deep inside of him too. He hadn’t a clue what was going to happen, as his mind no longer had any control over his body. It was almost as if a revolution had happened in which his heart now ruled him instead of his mind. Strange feeling really as his eyes couldn’t help but stare deeply into Dakota’s face. The way his face gleamed from the sheen of sweat that coated his perfectly tanned face made his body ache in places he never knew could ache. The very tips of his hair hurt, whether it was the semi long strands from his head or the smaller tiny peach fuzz that covered his whole body, the tips all felt like they were actually on fire, burning him and yet not. He could feel the terrific warmth that seemed to only grow in intensity as he had slid down slowly the tall lanky frame and now, here he was, sitting back a little, his upper body raised up by his arms as he stared down at the source of the heat, or maybe it wasn’t the source, maybe it was merely the place where it was flowing the most from because Noah felt it hitting him from all over. His whole body trembled a little as he had lifted up his head to stare upwards, to let his eyes slowly gaze up along the sweat soaked tanned flesh of Dakota until they finally locked with the deep rich chocolate brown of Dakota’s own piercing eyes. His heart thundered at that glance, at that vision of love that seemed to shimmer before him.

He felt his legs pulling back and up under his butt, letting him lean backwards without fear of falling as his body no longer rested fully on his arms, and he could sit up a little now. Everything seemed to be in slow motion and yet he knew that barely a second or two had passed as he gathered his breath, eager to continue even though he had no idea of what would happen or if he even could do what Dakota expected. He had felt the legs move to rest on either side of his own shaking body, had felt the hard press of Dakota’s knees into his hips and yet all he could think of was how warm he felt, how safe he felt and how much he loved being here, being in this very spot at this very second of time in his young life. He couldn’t imagine a better feeling and yet something inside kept telling him that this was nothing that this would soon fade from his memory because there was so much more to experience, so many new heights waiting for him and for Dakota.

His eyes closed and yet he could still see the warm face floating before him, he could still feel the love and desire penetrating his eyelids as his body shuddered and he lowered his head. He smelled the warm rich fragrance of Dakota wafting upwards, felt it invade every one of his pores as his lips hovered briefly over the hot sizzling flesh of Dakota’s belly and he waited perhaps a second, maybe two before he surrendered into the throbbing ache of his whole body. His lips moved that tiniest of a fraction and as they brushed against the hot flesh his body suddenly grew taut, his muscles coiled even tighter as the sudden jolt came rushing into his body. Noah felt it racing thru his whole body as he pressed down a little harder, feeling the belly rising up to greet his kiss and he felt Dakota’s own shaking and trembling as they were suddenly joined in an amazing rush of joy. He felt tears rolling down his face to mingle with the hot steamy sweat of his desire and yet he could clearly feel Dakota’s joy, feel the beat of his heart right next to his own and in that instant he knew this was not a passing fancy, not some high school crush but was real, more real perhaps than he had even dared dream about.

Noah moved his lips down, kissing and touching the fiery hot flesh, tasting the rivers of salty sweat that came cascading down the shuddering body and yet with each taste, each press of his lips he could also feel the excitement rising inside. His groin was like a blast furnace, the heat threatening to melt his very flesh with its heat and yet even as the warmth grew his heart seemed to be still, waiting for another moment before it would explode in thunderous activity. He could feel the blood rushing from his limbs, feel it burning his veins and arteries as it rushed to the very tip of his manhood. He ached between the very cheeks of his buttocks as his lips brushed up against the soft slightly dark hair that acted like a guide to his mouth, slowly keeping him along a straight simple path downwards. His body grew tighter, the muscles squeezing him in a way he didn’t think possible and yet despite the growing pain, the increasing discomfort, he felt happy beyond words, beyond expression. He was finally entering a whole new world of emotions, as his lips tasted the wiry hairs that were leading him down.

Dakota’s fingers struggled to dig themselves into the hard wooden floor but they could grasp nothing, could hold nothing as the extreme pain of waiting grew unbearable for him and he could hear himself breathing in short ragged gasps. His body trembled uncontrollably, his legs wavered as he held them up, keeping Noah between them and yet he felt like he was losing all feeling in them, except for where they touched Noah’s warm naked body. There he felt nothing but a growing warmth, a heat that seemed to flow upwards into his heart, even as the fires in his soul seemed to be exploding outwards in a white flame. The pain was only growing, refusing to let him think or to let his mind control anything. His head grew even more light headed as he felt the rough tip of Noah’s tongue tasting his dark pubic hairs, lifting the tiny wiry hairs up and then flattening them down coated in Noah’s saliva. His groin thrust upwards, eager for Noah’s attention and his hands moved down, his fingers desperate to reach out and take Noah’s head and guide it quickly to his groin.

The heat seemed like it was burning his very lips as they touched the fiery flesh and tasted the salt-caked pubic hairs that stood up before him. His tongue lashed out, licked at the soft flesh underneath, his rough edged weapon slowly forcing the wiry hairs to lay flat, to surrender to his overpowering assault and he could enjoy the taste of the scented skin. His mind was in shock as his body eagerly devoured the new sensation of Dakota’s body, revelling in its freshness, in its strangeness and yet his heart kept pace, refusing yet to surrender control to the raging hormones that now boiled within Noah’s body. He could feel the tension in Dakota, feel the body arching upwards to press even harder into his own face and the pain in his blood gorged pole threatened to explode the second his heart let its guard down. Everything was moving so fast and yet not, as his vision was filled with the various images of Dakota’s warm vibrating body.

He saw the way the hair fell flat as his tongue licked at it, saw the way the skin itself moved to the press of his tongue, watched in utter amazement as the tiny pores opened wide before him and all of this on top of the image of Dakota’s floating eyes. His body was in heaven or so it felt like it had to be because nowhere else could he feel such desire, such passion and even though his mouth ached he moved further down now, to stare at the small spiral hairs curled around the massive stump that was the base of Dakota’s huge throbbing organ.

Noah’s eyes widened as his chin brushed past the side of the huge red tinted pole that now stuck upright, unbowed by the press of his face against it. He felt the heat seer his cheek as he moved down, his tongue licking deep into the soft inner thigh, the place where Dakota’s legs joined his crotch. He heard the growing murmurs and realized it was his own voice echoing in his ears. His desire was growing just as his amazement grew at the sight of that beautiful hot throbbing pole that waited eagerly for him. It was almost as if it was sensing his presence, the way it leaned towards him, no matter which way he moved, the huge towering pole followed him in a fashion.

His long thick tongue snaked out to lick deeply into the crevice between Dakota’s thigh and groin and he heard the pounding of a fist on wood, then the loud groan of joy that echoed over his own moans of delight. His body shook as he felt the tremor racing thru Dakota’s legs as his cheek once more brushed against the hot thick pole. It had to be over a foot around he thought even though it really was no more than 2 ¼ inches around, yet this close, this near his eyes couldn’t focus. All he could see was the growing tufts of hair curled around the base, the fine pores spread wide apart, sweat drops slowly trickling down from the belly only adding to the strange sight. His body felt like it would simply explode, as he stared at the hard thick member, as he felt the blast of heat that swirled around it and Noah tilted his head, resting the one side onto Dakota’s thigh.

His one hand now reached out slowly, moving gingerly up along the far leg, feeling the sweat that poured down the sides and he could feel Dakota’s heart beating as he slowly moved his hand up to the knee then down, slowly down towards the groin, towards where his head rested. Noah saw the fingers of his own hand coming down the lightly brown legs, the tan paling as the blood drained from Dakota’s limbs towards that huge massive organ that was now Noah’s focus.

The pain was excruciatingly wonderful as he felt the slow steady brush of Noah’s hand and fingers against his quivering leg. He couldn’t believe how the pain hurt so deeply and yet how wonderful it made him feel. Dakota had never felt this before, had never felt so alive so full of hope and he tried to glance down, to stare at the cause of his enjoyment but his head was too heavy, his muscles too drained of strength as everything in his body was focused on feeling and nothing else. His heart ached and the pain in his chest was almost as if someone was driving a huge wooden stake into it and yet as the pain grew so too did his enjoyment. He couldn’t even begin to describe the joy that was filling him with each soft touch, with each brush of Noah’s chin against his hard cock, no words existed for how he felt and yet in his very soul he knew that this was just the beginning. A voice echoed in his ears as he struggled to hold on, to try and keep his body from loosing total control.

“Oh God I can’t stand this, it hurts so much and yet… I can’t…”

“Yes you can”

“How? It is unbelievable, is this what you meant? Is it?”

“It is, and it is just as I said, isn’t it?”

“Christ yes, how did you, damn I miss you but… I can’t hold on, I can’t…”

“You can Dakota, trust me, you can and you will”

“Oh shit, it feels so unbelievable…”

Tears were flowing down his face as he felt the soft kiss at the very base of his cock, and he shuddered as his body almost lost it, as the image of his older brother shone in front of his misted eyes and he reached out, to once more try and hold his hand, to once more touch that which he had lost forever and as his hand came up, he felt the hot breath blowing on his cheek, then an even hotter breath came upwards from his groin as Noah’s mouth was raised above the very tip of Dakota’s towering pole. His body shook as he felt the warmth sweet breath blowing down on his fiery cock head, felt it cool the sweat that steamed from it and made his pre cum flow quickly down the 7 ½ inch long pole with increasing speed, most of it evaporating along the white hot pole. His body no longer was his to command as he felt the fires now, felt them flickering at his very skin, melting the thin layer wherever the flames met the mortal flesh.

His outstretched hand came thundering down to hit the wooden floor at the very instant that Noah’s mouth touched the burning tip of his penis. He could feel the sudden brace of tremors that rolled between his body and Noah’s and he cried out loudly, taken prisoner by the sudden touch, the slow careful envelope of his cock head by Noah’s mouth. He could feel the rough edge of Noah’s tongue as it rested on the underside of his cock head; feel the edges of Noah’s white teeth as the lips held tighter and tighter to the sizzling cock head.

Noah could hear the crackle of electricity as he lowered his head onto the hot steaming cock. His whole body shook as the jolt passed into his body and then raced thru every part of him to only come full circle and go back into Dakota’s own body, racing along his veins and coming back as well. His mind was lost as the power of their union became stronger, as now his heart had support from outside of his body and the passion, the desire he felt suddenly felt no boundary, felt no restraint and his tears rolled down his face, the sweat becoming a raging river of water and desire. His hands grew like steel vices as they clenched both of Dakota’s trembling thighs.

He held the two large legs apart, forcing them even wider so he could move unrestricted over the towering organ that now threatened to choke him. His throat grew frightened as he let the first part of the huge cock head past his lips, past his teeth and as his tongue became flattened in the bottom of his own mouth, he felt Dakota’s cries, felt the throb of his heart as the cock head began a slow careful ascent into his mouth. His hands grew tighter, the fingers digging deep into the soft hot flesh, rivers of sweat flowing around his fingers as he held on, willing his throat to obey the aching desire in his soul.

The deep groan coming from all around him only spurred him on and he opened his eyes for a second, his eyelids fluttering as he gazed down along the thick solid pole that seemed to go on forever. He could see the veins of blood sticking out all around the huge 7-½ inch monster that now penetrated his mouth. Noah could see the thick arteries, see the dark blood flowing along the taut flesh that was stretched so far out that it made his heart skip a beat or two while his tongue became further crushed by the slow steady entry of the huge pole. The head itself was not yet fully inside and his throat was already in full panic but his heart refused to stop him, refused to allow him a moment’s peace as it thundered even louder, as it urged him on in a strange and crazy way that only made his body ache for it more, demand it even more.

His body became like steel bands wrapped around a throbbing steel shaft and yet as he continued to force Dakota’s pole into his mouth he could feel nothing but a strange urgent cry for more, a strange demand from his own soul to take the huge throbbing cock deep down into his throat so all of his body could enjoy the taste and feel of it. He shook as he choked back a strange swirling gagging sound and his eyes closed as his heart willed him on, forced him on to the strong steady sound of its beat. His legs grew numb as he lowered his head more, feeling the hard thick flesh sliding slowly into his mouth, forcing his jaw open even wider, making it ache with a dull throbbing pain and yet he refused to stop, refused to deny further entry of this pulsing organ.

He felt the press of his balls up into his cock root, felt the hard press grow even harder as he tried to hold back, desperate to let Noah take what he could but each movement, each inch that slowly entered the waiting mouth only drove him wilder, only made him ache harder as his body was lost to his control. He was under a spell as his mind saw so many images flash past that he couldn’t recognize any of them. He felt the tightening hold of Noah’s lips, felt the iron grip of Noah’s hands deep into his thighs and yet now he could see it all, see the hesitant way Noah had come down the hallway that first day, saw the way Noah had looked the first time Dakota had revealed his body to him, saw the way Noah’s jeans slowly became stained as he stood in Dakota’s presence, all of it came to him clearly now as his hands beat the wood, his body shaking and squirming to the slow steady pressure of Noah’s mouth over his penis.

His eyes saw the terror in Noah’s face when he had undressed, saw the desire even though his fear was trying to hide it and as his vision continued to be inundated by these images, he felt the first tentative lick of Noah’s tongue, the crushed tongue finally trying to add to the moment. His body arched upwards and he felt his cock slide in a few inches more, felt Noah’s throat now touching the tip of his cock head and it was that touch that made him cry out again. It was becoming too much, he knew it, knew that he wouldn’t be able to last, not this way and his hands flayed outwards, banging onto the wooden floor when one finger tapped against a small plastic package.

The feel of the slippery plastic against his outstretched hand drove him wild, his legs shot outwards to either side, pulling away from the centre of his body and forcing more of his blood gorged pole into Noah’s aching mouth. He felt the cock head begin to slide down the gullet, felt his pre cum oozing out in a raging torrent almost, knowing now that his whole body would soon explode, drowning Noah with his milk and yet he struggled, the thin plastic now in the palm of his hand, his fingers wrapped around it making a fist and he struck the floor again and again. The pain from his balls grew as he let the electricity flow unabated thru his body. He felt his buttocks squirm, move along the blanket in a wild gyration, feeling their itch too as he clenched tightly to the condom package in his hand.

Dakota “Noah! Noah take this, hurry, take this”

He heard his voice crying out, heard him calling for Noah and he could feel a strange numbness around his chest and his arms and yet he knew that he had his one hand stretched out far down his body, the condom package in his fingers but he couldn’t feel anything but Noah’s mouth over his cock. He felt the taut throat muscles surround the jerking cock head, felt Noah’s tongue trying to lick at the underside of his cock shaft, and still he managed to cry out, managed to give sound to his own raging desires.

Dakota “Please! God Noah please, take it… take it Noah!”

The sound of his name finally rang inside his head and his eyes opened to see Dakota’s outstretched hand. He saw the condom being held in the fingers, and he felt unsure of what to do. He could taste the hot salty sweet mix of Dakota’s pre cum as it slid down his throat, as it rolled down into his stomach and yet all he could think of was trying to please Dakota, to do what he wanted but what was it? Was he supposed to take the condom, to do what? Was he to put it on Dakota’s throbbing pole first, was that it?

Despite the sudden cry of pain from his throat and his mouth he lifted his head up, letting Dakota’s hot throbbing pole free of his lips and their steel vice like grip. He leaned back not even feeling his weight pressing on his legs as he had long since lost all feeling in them. His mind was confused as it seemed so was his heart, the hesitancy giving rise to the panic once more.

Noah “But… what do I…”

Dakota “Put it on, roll it down, hurry…”

His hands trembled as his body shook. Noah wasn’t sure what to do as he started to reach forward to take the offered condom, wishing that he didn’t have to, wanting to go back to what he had been doing. The taste of Dakota’s pre cum filled his mind and his heart ached, as it desired more of it, wanting all of it. He shook a little as his fingers stretched out and touched the tips of Dakota’s own outstretched fingers. He felt the sudden beat of Dakota’s heart, felt the urgent desire that was pounding now inside not only Dakota’s chest but his too. Noah didn’t want to deny himself the chance to taste Dakota, he felt angry at the gesture even though he would obey it, but first he had to try, to convince Dakota that he really did want it, that he really did want to drink from that tall throbbing pole. He didn’t care what it tasted like, all he knew was that he had to have it, to let all of Dakota’s milk be his, and he struggled to find his voice, to express his own desperate needs.

Noah “I want to taste it, can’t I…”

Dakota “No, not on mine, put it on yours Noah, God hurry, please, put it on yours”

Noah “I …I can’t, I don’t know how to…”

Dakota “Roll it down, hurry Noah, I need you inside of me now, NOW Noah! PLEASE!”

The words didn’t register at first, as he ripped open the thin plastic package and as he thought about one more appeal the words finally made sense to him. His whole body suddenly shook and he felt his cock jerk in a sudden anticipation of what Dakota meant. He looked down at the condom in his hand and then up towards Dakota. Noah saw the twisted desperate look that was etched all over Dakota’s face and he reached down with his hand, placing the soft oily condom over the tip of his cock. He felt the hot pre cum that was oozing out and he hesitated, unsure what to do but then he heard the words again, heard the desire in each syllable and he quickly rolled the thin plastic down his quivering penis. He felt the tips of his fingers digging deep into his own groin as the condom now covered every inch of his own throbbing 6-inch pole. The sudden rush of blood to his groin was making his fingers numb as he looked back up towards Dakota.

He saw the thick oozing pre cum rolling down the swaying pole that glared at him. The purple red angry cock head only seeming to grow thicker and more menacing as he moved inwards, his fear of failure once more rising up to consume him but the sight of that pole, the steady sliding apart of Dakota’s long legs helping to keep the fear at bay, for the moment. He coughed, tasting some of that oozing pre cum that he had managed to have first, and he suddenly found his hand reaching out, gently wiping up the underside of Dakota’s pole, his fingers gathering the heavy thick pre cum. As his fingers moved up the quivering shaft he could feel Dakota’s heart beating, feel the cried coming from Dakota’s soul and he knew that every movement he was making was being watched intently. His body shook as did Dakota’s as he wiped off the head with his finger, a large dollop of thick cream dripping off either side of his two fingers that he quickly brought to his mouth, putting them both deep down inside, till the tips actually touched his own throat. Noah coughed a little as he let his mouth close over his fingers, and then he slowly pulled them out, letting the heavy cream fill his mouth.

“Oh God Noah… please, please I can’t… please, please if you… please”

Dakota’s voice was filled with pain and yet Noah could feel the desire and passion in it too. Each word struck him hard deep inside as he felt the night wind blowing across his wet fingers as he stared down towards Dakota. He saw the pleading look in his rich brown eyes, saw the reflection of his desire deep within those eyes and he felt his own body growing harder, felt the hard thickness of his own penis become even more taut, more aroused as he placed his hand down between Dakota’s spread apart legs. He let his two fingers find the deep valley of love between Dakota’s cheeks and he slowly moved the fingers down until they suddenly stopped, resting on a hot warm hole that quivered to Noah’s touch. His eyes glanced once more at Dakota and as their eyes locked he pushed inwards, his two fingers suddenly digging into the warm wet canal of love, pushing aside the brief feeble protest of the sphincter muscle.

He felt the muscles inside of Dakota eagerly grip at his two fingers that pushed inwards quickly, digging in deep and he turned the two fingers first one way and then another as he saw the shock on Dakota’s face being replaced by a strange look of pure rapture. Noah watched as Dakota’s eyes glazed over briefly and then flared outwards, the deep desire within suddenly leaping forward, demanding more and demanding it now. His body quivered as he pressed his hand in hard, turning the two fingers and then just as quickly as he had inserted them, he pulled them out, feeling the sudden coldness as he began to move his slender body in closer. He felt his hands now pushing Dakota’s legs further apart as he sidled his crotch closer, his own hard throbbing pole aching now, urging him in closer.

Noah wasn’t sure what to do but something seemed to be guiding him as he grabbed hold of his throbbing pole, and his head came up to look down towards Dakota. He saw him biting his lip and he saw the eyes staring upwards, sweat pouring from his body as he became rock hard still. There wasn’t a whisper of a shake or a tremor as Dakota held his body perfectly rigid and Noah glanced down at his trembling hand. He could feel the heat from his penis burning the palm of his hand and he saw the spread apart legs, saw the soft pink-white colour of the inside of Dakota’s cheeks. It was almost like watching himself he thought as he leaned in, pushing the edge of his penis forward until it touched the warm moist cheeks.

His body suddenly recoiled as a giant tremor raced thru his body but Noah held on, his one hand leaning over the upright leg and resting next to Dakota’s hip. His other hand held on tightly to the squirming penis as he pushed it between the two perfect orbs of Dakota’s fleshy cheeks. His body continued to shudder as he guided the hot and suddenly very heavy penis downwards, feeling the strange giddiness of delight as his body continued to pour his blood into the hot throbbing penis. Noah could feel it as it tried to jerk free of his hand but he held on, biting his lower lip now as he concentrated on moving the heavy pole to its proper spot.

It felt like hours had passed before he felt the slight press inwards, the sudden tightening of Dakota’s body as his tight pink hole felt the hot embrace of Noah’s own throbbing pole. Noah’s body suddenly became very still, the tremors now abated as he realized just where he was, where his own shaft of love was now resting. He didn’t quite believe it, almost like he was living in some dream or fantasy world and his eyes grew frightened as they quickly glanced upwards, to stare down the solid body of Dakota. He saw the face, the way Dakota was holding himself so completely rigid as he waited and Noah knew this was no dream, this was for real and he grew frightened, unsure if he was equal to the task ahead, unsure even if he knew what to do or if he did do it, would he do it right or would he hurt the one person who his heart cared about?

All of this passed thru him as he licked his lip, tasting the sweet taste of blood from his lower lip and then he tasted something else. It had a tinge of salt to it and a tinge of something else, something sweet even and in a flash he knew it was Dakota’s pre cum that he had wiped up with his fingers. He could taste it now and the taste grew more intense inside his mouth and his hand slid back a little on his throbbing pole, his hips seemed to suddenly suck in the tops of his buttocks, and he could feel every muscle inside becoming like a steel whip. He took a long deep breath as the sweat dripped down from his forehead, strands of his blonde hair hung over his face as he stared down at Dakota’s waiting body and he became calm, as he heard the soft whisper of the wind swirling gently around them both.

In a deep and slow motion he began to push his hips forward, slowly forcing his throbbing pole to split apart the tiny pink hole that was trying to deny him entry. It didn’t last for more than a second and then Noah felt his body suddenly go faster, felt the resistance disappear as his penis gained entry to Dakota. A wave of heat came racing up the very inside of his penis, rolling faster as it came closer to his beating heart and he could feel it moving, almost as if he was watching it as it came closer and closer to the beating chambers of his heart. He watched amazed as the wave of heat finally hit the beating chambers and his head suddenly flung backwards, the sudden jolt making his whole body shudder as his hips suddenly went flying inwards, crushing hard into the waiting flesh of Dakota’s upraised cheeks.

Noah heard the gutteral sound of his own voice echo in the still of the night as his shaft was suddenly racing inwards, tearing thru the waiting sinewy muscles that lined Dakota’s insides. He felt them reaching out to grab hold of his pulsing penis but nothing could hold him back as a fever of desire took hold of him, guided his body from the wild beating of his heart. It was too much for him as his body continued to shake and he felt his body jerk and then twist to one side, his penis suddenly veering off course to bang hard into the one side of the velvet layered canal that now held his pole. He cried out as he felt the strong muscles grabbing his throbbing pole, squeezing it as it treid to hold onto it but the power of his fever was too much for even Dakota’s well trained muscles.

He crashed thru the resistance, forcing his pole deep down the canal until it was reaching deep into Dakota’s very insides, touching his glands, his muscles, his insides. Nothing was sacred as his body continued to twist and turn, making the hard throbbing pole switch directions constantly. Noah thought he heard a soft whimpering cry coming from Dakota but he couldn’t be sure. The strange sensations that were racing into his body were too much for him, he could barely concentrate on them never mind any other sounds or sights. His head was no longer functioning as wave after wave of new sensations came to him. His heart struggled as it tried to drive the blood faster, desperate to cool Noah’s overheated body. The pain in his groin became unbearable as he felt his whole stomach twist into one giant knot. Every part of his body now screamed out in agony as he continued to twist and turn his hips, gyrating in such different directions that even his back began to protest, the strange twists adding to the unreal feelings that overwhelmed all of his senses.

His nerves rang out in pain and joy all at once. His body seemed like it would just explode from all of the wild new feelings that were pouring in and suddenly he could hear it, hear the beat next to his own heart and he shook his head, large drops of sweat flying in all directions as he couldn’t believe the sound, the unbelievable beat of two hearts next to each other. He could hear them clearly, both of them beating loudly and fast but not apart, not out of unison but together and it only drove him harder. His body suddenly stopped its downward push and in a flash he felt his hips raising upwards, quickly too as his pole was suddenly being sucked out from the clutches of Dakota’s trembling insides.

Just when he thought his body would take his throbbing pole out from the hot tunnel he felt his heart beating faster, felt the same wild beat coming from the other heart that rested next to his and his whole body groaned and shuddered and then went plummeting downwards. His hips shot to one side as he crushed his lower body hard into the waiting upraised flesh, the loud smack of their sudden union echoed but he was oblivious to it all. All of his senses were no longer able to record each and every feeling, each and every tingle and roaring jolt. His body continued to pound deep, dig deep into the hot sticky flesh and all he could think about was that he was doing this, that he was not only doing it but that the person he was doing with was Dakota. He never for a second before this moment ever thought he would be doing this, that Dakota would even consider letting him enter him this way and yet as his hips twisted and turned, as his penis jerked hard to the left and then the right, it was all happening, was all true and he just couldn’t believe it. He could feel it, of that there was no doubt but he still couldn’t accept it as being real, no matter how loud the crash of his body against Dakota’s sweaty flesh sounded.

He could feel the sudden press between his legs just under his cock and he cried out as his body once more lunged downwards, once more crashed hard into the waiting body below. His arms were numb from holding his chest up and yet he couldn’t let them sag, couldn’t let them free from their duty to keep him upright as his body once more came upwards, once more gathering itself for one more ride down into what he could only think of as being heaven. The tight grip the met each thrust, that held his cock head from leaving the hot insides only helped to make him feel this way, to foster further the illusion that he was no longer earthbound. His spirits soared now with the highest flying eagles as his flesh continued to slowly melt away and all he could see was the warm passion that flowed between his heart and Dakota’s own heart. He could hear the joy crying loudly deep within his soul as his body no longer existed to his thoughts.

Every part of his body was now beyond his capacity to understand or control. He could feel the painful joy rising as his blood no longer flowed anywhere but towards his groin and his throbbing pole now once more dove deep inside of Dakota’s waiting body. He could feel the slap of his balls up against his own body, hear the sound but it didn’t register as all he could see was Dakota’s face, the soft lines around the eyes, the worried look inside of those dark rich chocolate coloured orbs and he could see him now, see him crawling inside of his bedroom window that first night and his body shook hard now, the force of his memories and of his passion now rising up even more so as the images played out before him. His fears were gone and instead he felt the itch deep inside of his own rectum, felt the strange emptiness there as his penis dug deep down into the very insides of Dakota’s body. He felt the hard rearing back of his cock head even though it was surrounded by Dakota’s muscles, even though the tough fibres were holding it tightly, he felt it and as he did his eyes closed again, the sight of reality too much for his brain to absorb as his body finally surrendered to the wild insane demand of his passion and of his desires.

His whole body was in a state of complete confusion as the juices streamed out from his exploding penis. It was like he was caught up in the swirling vortex of a tornado, the way he felt his emotions striking at his body, at his very soul even and yet at the same time he could feel his desire only growing, not being sated by the release of his milk. In some ways the pain grew, demanding more from his body than it was capable of and yet in other ways it was like a sudden rush of exhilaration as if he had just climbed the tallest peak of the highest mountain. The thin rarefied air made him choke, gag even as he struggled to breath while his hips ground hard into Dakota’s shivering cheeks and he could feel the bone against his own pelvic bones. He cried out, the tears dropping from his face to splatter among the raging river of sweat that now flowed across Dakota’s shaking stomach.

Nothing he had ever dreamed of, read about, saw had prepared him for the sudden collapse of his entire strength or the giddy feeling that seemed to overcome his mind and limbs. He felt the uncontrollable shaking of his legs, felt it but couldn’t quite understand it as his whole chest shook and his lungs tried to breath in, desperate for oxygen and yet his mouth was wide open, saliva dripping from the corner’s of his mouth as his body continued to buck and jerk as the last remnants of his seed spilled out to coat his 6 inch shaft, rolling down inside its protective covering, but he could feel it, feel it’s heat as it rolled back down the now softening flesh. His mind was in a state of utter shock as his heart continued to beat in a wild insane pattern, rising and then falling and then rising again and he felt the muscles in his arms go soft, weak and then the distance between him and Dakota’s own shaking body was no more. His head was on the heaving chest, hearing the sucking sound of Dakota’s own lungs as it too struggled for air.

He felt his body simply melt into the steamy body underneath him and his arms lay lifeless at his side, barely any feeling left in either the arms, hands or for that matter any other part of his body. Everything, every single part was in a state of utter exhaustion and yet as he lay there panting, his eyes glanced first upwards, staring for a minute at the softening face that was Dakota and then they glanced down the lanky body, down towards where his own belly now rested and he could feel the heat there, feel the hard press of a steel shaft poking next to him and he knew now what he wanted, what he needed now just as what Dakota had seemed to need earlier.

Dakota didn’t even feel the weight of Noah’s body crashing down onto his stomach or the press of his young body against his. All he could do was struggle for air as wild thoughts and weird new feelings flooded his every nerve, his every sense and even as his hand beat the wooden floor hard he could only think of how wonderful it all felt. The tight full feeling that had come the second that Noah had entered his body had suddenly made him feel whole, made him feel alive. The emptiness that he had carried with him all this year suddenly vanished, the hole in his heart suddenly grew smaller and seemed less ominous, less painful but he knew that it would never leave, but that now at least it would become bearable.

He could feel the tears too, the way they seemed to cleanse his sense of guilt, the way they rolled down his face with wild abandon and each time they dripped from his eyes he could feel the pounding of Noah’s heart next to his, could feel the unconditional love that welled up from deep inside of Noah’s body and passed deep into his own body. He felt it all as he lay there, as his body arched up to meet each downward thrust, as his hips kept his buttocks raised up to greet the throbbing pole that kept filling him with the love and passion that Noah had for him. He cried because he had never had someone love him this way, never had someone other than Montana care enough for him to want him in any way, without condition, without terms.

Montana had been right, this was love, this was something special that he couldn’t help but know it and Dakota was no longer afraid that he’d miss the signs. There was no mistaking the joy that filled him with each hard entry of Noah’s pole, there was no mistaking the warmth that came with each hard thrust of Noah’s young body into his, and as his tears flowed he knew that this would not end, that this strange joy would continue long after Noah had departed home until the next time they would meet. He knew that each second that they were apart would feel like an eternity and yet in his heart he knew that any separation would only be momentary because they were meant to be together, the beat of Noah’s own heart, the words of Noah’s own soul to his confirmed that as his body shook and quivered to the love that was being fed to him by Noah.

Even as Noah’s body slowly ended its wild gyrations, even as Noah’s body slowly collapsed in complete exhaustion, Dakota knew that this was not an end, that it was only a prelude to a continuing roller coaster ride of emotional highs. His body ached now but not from desire but from satisfaction, a sense of well being that he had never in his young life ever felt before and he glanced down, to see the tussled wet hair of Noah splattered across his chest. He could see the head shaking as Noah lay on top of him, his own heart beating wildly still and yet as he stared down at him he felt a sense of something more to come, something else that would only continue to prove to them both that this was right, that this was as it should be as it was meant to be.

Noah felt Dakota’s eyes peering at him as he continued to stare down at the hard lump that rested next to his quivering hip. He stared at the large pole that was still filled with blood, still looking huge to his eyes but in a new way, a strange new way that only increased the desire deep inside of him. All those strange new feelings continued to swirl around him as he stared at the silent throbbing pole, saw the slow oozing of Dakota’s pre cum as it pooled now around the tip of the cock head. It was like they were in a the eye of a hurricane as he finally turned his attention away from the thick pulsing pole and focused his misted eyes towards Dakota’s face.

They stared at each other, neither able to quite speak but Noah could feel the tremendous love that was passing between them both and he knew that this was his destiny, that he didn’t need to worry about tomorrow or the next day, he had found the one person that would matter to him, the one person who would make his very existence worthwhile. He felt the sheer joy of such a discovery so early in life and despite his young years, despite his inexperience, he knew that this was love, the real stuff that he had read about in books. Only trouble was, what he had read didn’t come close to describing how good it felt as he kept his eyes on Dakota’s face and then kissed the warm hot stomach, tasting the salty sweat, his eyes not leaving the deep rich chocolate orbs of his love.

“It’s my turn now…”

Dakota stared at Noah, hearing his soft voice, as he looked hard into Noah’s eyes. He saw the swirling mists inside, felt the desire and he reached out, grabbing another package that he had laid out earlier and he passed it down his still sweat soaked body towards Noah’s outstretched hand. As the condom passed from his hand to Noah’s he felt the stirring inside his heart once more, felt the love that had calmed down a little growing more turbulent, more alive again and his face smiled with adoration as the condom passed out of his grasp.

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