Younger Playmates

I have been doing some reading, and it strikes me odd at how so many gay stories seem to dwell on the old with young coupling. I mean are we somehow predisposed to be seeking younger partners?

On Wednesday I celebrated my fourth LEGAL anniversary with David. I am 53 and he is 31, but we have been together for almost 13 years. He was 18 and I was 40, so who am I to talk, right?

And yet, I wonder, is this part of the natural order of things, and if so, how come he was attracted to me? I mean it isn’t like I was rich or even well off, and believe me, I am butt ugly, so why would someone his age, want me?

Obviously some are predisposed for older men, otherwise why would us old farts get lucky, like I have with David. And yet, as he gets older, does he too want or desire someone younger, or is all this merely a result of our society and its obsession with youth?

I wonder, is part of it a desire for authority, to make up for a lack when much younger? Is it about security, or something else?

Things I try to explore in my stories, so if you have these questions, why not come read some of my stories. Who knows, you might enjoy them.

Cum Read for Free, HERE.

Story – The Lottery (7) (end)

The Lottery

Part 7

He sat back in the kitchen chair watching Jock washing up. The man had refused to let Paul help and to be honest he was rather enjoying seeing the man standing at the sink. It gave him a strange sense of contentment to see someone else doing something so domestic. Still there was a small annoying twinge in his mind. One that kept telling him this was all an act, all a put on. It was times like this when he wished he could be like Mark Thayer and just go for the sex instead of constantly analyzing everything to the smallest detail.

In the back of his mind he knew that he was physically attracted to Jock, after all the guy was hot. It wasn’t that he was some jock or hard the hard body many associated with beauty. It was his eyes though that made Paul melt. The way they seemed to go right into his very soul each time their eyes locked was what made his heart beat quicken and his groin stiffen. Trouble was that inside his heart he felt like there was so much more to the man, something that made him feel alive in a sense he had never truly experienced before.

Sure there had been Jason and while he knew they had shared a love, this was totally different. If anything it felt like there was more that just an attraction. It felt almost as if they were one, sharing more than just interests or views. Hell he didn’t really know what views Jock held but something told him that where it counted, they were like Siamese twins. He couldn’t explain it but staring at him washing up only made him feel like he was alive, was truly a part of the world instead of just a spectator. It unnerved him too as he wondered if there could ever be anything between them.

The notion of having someone like Jock next to him was a thought that his heart approved of but his mind rejected. It kept throwing up age and money and anything else that was negative. Normally he listened but for the first time in his living memory he felt the power of his very soul reaching up to claim its right. He knew the turmoil that boiled within his being was not unique to him. Paul sensed that Jock also had similar thoughts or so his heart kept pounding out to his mind. It was at one moment extremely inviting and yet at the same time frightening.

Christ he was 61, why would someone Jock’s age even think about being with someone like him? It wasn’t just about looks or sexual drive even, so why did he feel that Jock wanted him? Was it the money like his mind kept saying or was it really something deeper than that? Did he crave the security of being with an older man or was it merely a foray into the lifestyle as a test, to see if the waters were warm enough? Did Jock merely look at him as an introduction to their secret world of living or did he genuinely care for him the way God intended?

You okay?

Huh?

You looked so serious, you okay?

Just for a passing second Paul was certain he could see genuine concern etched in those dark chocolate eyes. It was as if it really seemed to matter to Jock that he was okay. Strange, but it was sort of how he himself felt about Jock. He really did think that he cared about how he felt. It shook him as his mind continued to try and pry him away from his heart’s urgings.

Oh, fine, sorry, guess I was just lost in thought somewhere, sorry.

No problem, well thanks again.

For what?

Dinner.

Wasn’t really very much, uh, how about a glass of brandy? We can maybe go sit in the den?

Sure, but uh… well, about staying, I know you offered, but I can drive okay and…

Panic seemed to suddenly grab at him. Paul felt a strange fear inside as if all he wanted from life was about to simply get up and leave. He felt desperate and gulped a few times as he gathered his wits. It was weird to feel this desperate & yet he knew he had to try, had to hold onto his hope somehow.

There is a spare room, door has a lock that works and…

Jocks eyes suddenly shut and Paul watched the way his face seemed to suddenly go white. It was almost as if he had insulted him and he wanted to take back the words as he waited for Jock to respond.

I am not worried about that, sorry. It is just, I don’t want to impose…

You aren’t, come on we’ll have some brandy and sit, talk if you want or maybe you’d rather watch television?

Okay, uh, talk?

Sure if you wanted to, or we could always just kick back and listen to some music and read if you prefer?

Really? I mean, wouldn’t that be, well, you have such a great selection of books.

It felt like a light had gone off or something. The way Jock’s face suddenly lit up made Paul’s heart skip a beat or two. It felt so good to see him smile. More than that he seemed genuinely pleased by the notion. If only it was real he thought as he tried not to stare.

Tomorrow I am to pick up some new ones at the local bookstore, maybe you’d care to come along with me?

Guess that settles it then.

Settles it? What?

Me staying. With a trip to a bookstore in the offering? No way could I go home now.

Haha, well… I’ll have to remember that.

Jock looked over at Paul and smiled. The way his mouth curled and the eyes glowed almost made Paul feint. It was like he had suddenly been given the key to the country or something. His chest ached a bit from the strain as they walked slowly towards the den. Paul wasn’t sure if they’d sit and talk or just read but he didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that Jock would be sitting next to him. For whatever that meant to Jock he didn’t know but for him it was like everything was finally beginning to fall into place. This was more than his dream coming true, this was living it.

He had never had so much trouble trying to concentrate as he was finding it right now. Every few seconds all he could think of was to steal a glance over at Paul. It felt weird to be feeling this way and yet it was exactly how he felt. His heart was beating a mile a second or so it felt. He knew that he was deluding himself that someone as sophisticated as Paul could even consider him worthy but he knew he couldn’t just walk away. The whole thing was amazing really.

Ever since the party he couldn’t get Paul out of his mind. It was almost as if the man had taken over his dreams and thoughts even. He had found himself comparing Paul to Mark which really confused him. Mark was a way to get laid, he knew that now and all his fancy thoughts of a life with Mark had seemed to just evaporate once he had met Paul.

Nothing really made sense to him but the idea of him and Paul seemed to keep on growing inside his mind and in his heart. He didn’t know if it was simply from Paul being nice to him or that they shared an interest. Whatever it was it was like he had suddenly become addicted to the notion of him and Paul.

Even now, sitting here in the big leather chair only added fuel to his wild thoughts. The odour of burnt wood permeated his nostrils and yet all he could think of was that alluring aroma of Paul’s cologne. It made him swoon really and the print on the page in front of him kept blurring as he tried to make sense of it all. Was he falling in love or was he falling for the dream he had of what a relationship was? Was it Paul’s own charm or the allure of a shared interest?

Jock couldn’t decide and it troubled him because he knew that if left to him he would have gone home. He wanted above all to stay but he was scared. He knew there was a huge age difference but somehow he didn’t seem to mind. Paul was something he had never thought existed. A man who cared for literature and for life. Least that was how he had first saw Paul but now he knew there was a lot more to it. He couldn’t make up his mind as to what attracted him to Paul the most.

Ever since that party he had thought about Paul. The more the days had passed the more obsessed he felt he was becoming about the man. He couldn’t explain why either because Paul wasn’t exactly a looker. He was handsome and held his age well but he was no poster boy for gay men. Maybe that was just it, maybe he was so warped that he went for the opposite of the typical gay?

It was his curse to always mull things over until they resembled a worn out bone or something. Still he couldn’t stop thinking of Paul and even Mark had sensed it. Their relationship had cooled dramatically after the party and Jock wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted Paul or simply didn’t care for Mark’s growing demand for more sex than Jock was willing to give. It bothered him a bit but then it didn’t seem to really matter when he would think of Paul.

The notion of some man entering his rectum had always turned him off, had made him feel that he wasn’t really gay, just gay curious but then he met Paul. All that seemed to change and yet at the same time made him even more fearful of sex. He had trouble even letting Mark jerk him off never mind suck him off which was what finally led to their big fight and eventual break-up. It also was how he was finally able to get enough courage to drive up here.

Just sitting here right now with Paul next to him made him feel more gay than all the kissing, fondling or blow jobs that Mark had given him. He didn’t know why he felt this way and he was afraid that it would end at any second. He couldn’t help it, yet each time he would steal a look at Paul he felt happy, alive. It was as if the man made him whole. His mind told him he didn’t know this older man and yet his heart told him he did.

Round and round his mind and heart kept going at this and yet he seemed to know that unless Paul threw him out, this was where he wanted to be. To just be in the presence of him, to smell his cologne, to listen to him breathe was intoxicating in itself. Worse though was how it made the rest of his body react. Jock could feel the constant press of his penis against his pants as he struggled to keep a tight rein on the physical emotions that kept trying to break out.

Dinner had been a nightmare for him. All he could think about while chewing was how nice it would be to make Paul breakfast, to feel his arms around his waist while he scrambled the eggs or flipped the bacon. His heart seemed to skip several beats each time he thought about what it would be like to open his eyes and see Paul’s face next to his or to just wake up to Paul’s even breath against his cheeks.

It scared him so much that he didn’t think he could stay and yet somehow here he still was. It amazed him really. How could a stranger have such an effect on him? His mind told him that he was being dishonest, that he was merely looking for a safe port in the storm of his life. He knew that it could be true. After all there was his outing by his wife and then Mark. He didn’t know who had scarred him more but his money was on the wife for the moment.

Still the whole idea of him actually being 100% gay scared him except when dreaming about Paul. His eyes grew a bit distant as he glanced once more at the balding head reading the leather bound book. The way the white hair seemed to shimmer made his pulse race a bit. Jock wished he had the courage to just tell Paul all this, but he didn’t. He hated himself for his weakness but then that too was who he was.

His wife may be a shrew in his mind but she was right. He had deceived her in the worst possible way but how do you tell someone you thought you cared for that you weren’t interested in them? Mark seemed to have no trouble with that but then Mark had only one goal it seemed. His wife had given him two children, she had a right to be pissed but she should have known that he wasn’t the type to jump to things. Maybe he had known all along that he liked guys but even now, despite all that had gone on, he still felt like he wasn’t certain.

Yet to be honest with himself when he looked at Paul he felt like he was. When he thought of Mark or some of Mark’s friends, all he could feel was uncertainty. When he looked at other women he felt the same way so what was he? Was he gay or just a totally confused fuck? Mark had called him that and as much as it hurt him to hear it, he had to maybe agree with Mark. He was confused but deep down inside he knew the answer rested. His problem was that he was too afraid to dig down and get it for fear of what it might truly be.

His head stared up and over the opened book in his hands as he looked over to the wall above the fireplace. A small brass lamp shone lightly down on an old looking document within a glass case. His eyes couldn’t make out the writing really except for the first few letters that were enlarged. He knew it was merely a copy still to lift his face up to stare up at that document made his heart flutter a bit.

It wasn’t something he hadn’t seen hundreds of times before and yet right this second it seemed to hold some special meaning to him. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the bold old English print that seemed to shimmer in the light. His heart grew quiet as he realized that all he wanted was here, that all he had ever hoped for was right here if he dared. For the first time he realized that he couldn’t sit back and wait, that it was suddenly a choice he had to actually make.

The blood seemed to fill his ears and he could hear the roaring sound as he mind ceased its battle with his heart. Small tears came to his eyes as he put the book down on his lap, wondering why it had taken him so long to realize all that now came flooding into his mind? His body shook a little and he could feel the growing flush of excitement as he finally let his heart beat stridently inside.

With the image of the three words ‘We The People’ from the constitution etched in his mind he turned to stare once more at Paul. This time he didn’t let his gaze wander or hide as he waited for Paul to turn and face him. He could see the eyes widen as he met Paul’s gaze and he licked his lips as he made up his mind.

Paul…

Yes?

I don’t want to sleep in the spare room, if that is okay with you.

Part 8

Paul opened his eyes to see the bright rays of the sun shining in from the window. For a minute or two he thought about the night wishing that the dream hadn’t ended. His face was open in a wide smile as he thought about last night when it hit him, it wasn’t a dream, it really was real, wasn’t it? He quickly turned away from the window to stare at the other side of his bed but it was empty. For a moment or two his heart sagged and he felt a strange sense of panic inside. It was a dream his mind said but then he smelled the scent wafting across the room and Paul knew that it had been no dream.

He sat up and looked around his large bedroom. The heavy drapes hadn’t been closed but the almost sheer pale blue ones had been drawn. They blew gently in the morning breeze that came from the open glass and once more memories of last night came flooding back to him. No, it hadn’t been a dream but now he turned around, wondering where the source of his good feeling had gone.

There was a sense of disappointment inside, as he had wanted to wake up and turn to see him lying next to him, but instead all he saw as the crumpled sheets and still dented pillow from where his head had lain. He could smell him still, a faint lingering aroma that once more made him feel like he was 16 or 17. He couldn’t believe his good fortune yet in his mind he could hear the words of one night stand echoing. Where was he?

Paul cocked his head to one side to try and listen. There was no sound coming from the bathroom, no water running and he could hear the wind rustling the trees outside and the birds chirping yet no human sound intruded. His heart beat a little faster from panic & fear as he stepped out of the bed, his robe quickly adorned from the chair as he began to feel strangely lost, strangely frightened.

He stood by the open window and peered out and down onto his driveway. There stood his Tahoe and in front the dented and old Datsun still rested. He breathed a small sigh of relief as he knew that the dream was real and that for the moment, it still hadn’t ended. He thanked his lucky stars as he finally was able to hear the sounds of something human moving off in the distance. He could tell it was coming from the kitchen and he felt the tension ease from his shoulders.

For a moment or two he pondered having a shower but instead he quickly dabbed cold water on his face, rinsed his mouth out and tossed on a pair of pants before slipping into his slippers. With the robe still on he padded off towards the kitchen to see what was going on. He didn’t want to waste a second as his feet moved just a bit faster almost in time with the rising beat of his heart.

As the sound grew louder he could also smell the tantalizing aroma of breakfast cooking. He never was one for big breakfasts but suddenly Paul found himself feeling rather ravenous. His mouth watered as he turned in from the hall into the kitchen. He stopped short as he saw the tall blonde by the large kitchen range. He was flipping something on the griddle portion of the stove top but it was his attire that made Paul stop.

Jock stood there, nothing on really except a pair of thin boxer shorts. You could just see the outline of his firm buttocks as well as the faint hint of tanned skin of the flesh. The tall figure had a thin something around the back of his neck and Paul knew that he wore an apron but other than those two items, Jock wore nothing else. He couldn’t believe it as he stood there, enjoying the beauty of the man.

He couldn’t contain himself as he felt the sudden growth between his legs along with the sudden flush that rose up from his groin. The warmth made him begin to sweat a little as he gazed at the long legs with their fine dusting of blond hairs. In his heart he could still feel them brushing up against his own legs and he sighed a little, recalling the pleasure he had had in just running his hand along those well defined and firm legs.

The sound of his sigh was heard as the head suddenly popped up and turned. Paul watched with a growing sense of desire as the hair moved one way and the head the other. He watched as Jock’s face came fully into view and he could see the rich chocolate eyes beaming out at him from under a lock of rebellious blonde hair. He saw the thin pale lips that he had tasted fully hours earlier and he smiled. The whole vision of Jock wearing a silly apron over his front only brought a whistle of appreciation from Paul’s lips which in turn brought an increasingly wider smile from that fine angular face.

Sorry was I making too much noise?

No, didn’t hear a sound really, uh.. what are you making? Smells damn good.

Oh just some eggs and bacon, hungry?

It seemed so right, the way Jock was standing by the stove with a spatula in his hand and his eyes darting from Paul then back to the food on the griddle. It was so perfect that he felt a tear welling up. Somehow he felt like he was once more in a world of dreams because life couldn’t be this perfect, could it?

Yes, actually…

That later …I mean… shit…

Paul had to laugh, the expression on Jock’s face when he had stared quickly at Paul’s middle when he had answered was priceless and yet he felt the strange hitch in his own voice as he chuckled. It had been a long time since he had let himself go in such a way as he had last night. Sure he had his fling or two while off in Europe but that had been sex, last night had been something else.

His mind still couldn’t quite believe all that had happened. If he was to be cold and analytical about it nothing much really had happened physically, yet the feelings inside that had come rushing to him were still there. He could still feel the excitement from Jock’s first touch of his naked chest, or the warmth that had suddenly filled his whole body when their lips had brushed against each other for the first time.

Everything about last night had been about firsts for him, yet his mind kept telling him that it had been nothing new. Still his heart and soul cried out for more, not so much for the raw sex but for the taste of Jock’s lips on his, the smell of Jock’s hair as it brushed past his nostrils. The sensation that made his body shake & shudder as Jock’s hand caressed his skin. All of that made him feel so different and the feeling hadn’t left, hadn’t passed. If he closed his eyes right now Paul knew he would see it all as if it was still happening. No, as much as his mind might try to confuse him, his heart knew the truth. What had passed between them last night hadn’t been about physical needs, but about something greater, much more meaningful.

Oh that too, but us old guys need nourishment first.

You aren’t old, hell if last night… uh…

There was a strange look across Jock’s face that was quickly hidden but Paul had seen it. For an instant he froze as he tried to understand the swift look that had nearly escaped his attention. His heart seemed to stop for that instant as fear gripped him. His mind reeled as the look became fixed in his vision.

What? Why that look? Is something wrong?

No, least not… this is so weird, I am sorry, but, is it okay to talk about.. I mean.. was it…

I have never felt so alive as I did with you last night Jock, if that is what you are asking.

Sort of, I am sorry, I feel so, different today… it is like, I don’t know… so much more human, more like a real person, if that makes sense.

It does, are you worried that… uh…

I don’t know what to do Paul.

He was feeling strangely confused. The look had puzzled him and even scared him but the voice made him look deeper into Jock’s face. There was a glow but also a look of concern that made his heart wince a little. He was confused himself as he tried to give himself time to think, to adjust to Jocks swing in moods.

Uh you flip the bacon over so it cooks on both sides then you…

Jock turned to stare down at the sizzling food and with a casual flip of his wrist managed to turn the bacon and other bits that were on the griddle. It was done abstractly Paul noticed as Jock’s head quickly turned back to focus on his face, the deep rich brown eyes staring intently at him.

That’s not what I meant… that I know how to do.

I can see that.

I am not good at… at sex. There… I said it, I know that for me last night was special, it really was something I have never felt before, but you, I mean Paul I know you expected more… and I just… I mean…

For a second he felt panic inside his heart as he listened to the halting voice. His hand moved out and he touched Jock on the shoulder and then with his hand he reached up and lifted the chin so he could stare into that face that had mesmerized him from the beginning.

In his heart he knew what Jock was trying to say and what he was feeling. To be honest he had thought that he had been the one who had maybe not satisfied but looking into Jock’s eyes he knew differently.

Last night was very special for me too Jock. I wouldn’t say that either if I didn’t mean it.

But I didn’t… I mean we didn’t…

Despite what some might say Jock, a first time with someone doesn’t have to always include or, well, it just doesn’t have to be doing everything… with Jason we never, I mean we never did do everything until later on. There aren’t any rules you know?

No, I didn’t… guess I am sort of stupid, just that I like you a lot and don’t want you to think I don’t. I guess I thought that you might think I didn’t cause we didn’t, uh, you know…

Strange listening to all this as it dredged up a conversation he had long since forgotten. It was after the second time he and Jason had made love together. They still hadn’t had intercourse and he had been afraid that Jason might think he didn’t like him. Funny how history could repeat itself and now here he was, once more reliving that same feeling only this time it wasn’t his reticence in question.

Jock I am appreciative for whatever you are willing to share with me. I know that doesn’t sound great, but I am in no rush to go all the way, as the kids might say. I am more interested in knowing you, and well, in having you know me. In some ways I feel like a kid in junior high with his first crush, yet, well, this is so much more than that to me. I want to enjoy it, last night was so much more than what I ever dreamed, you have to believe that Jock. It is the truth.

Jock just stood there for a moment or two and looked at Paul. It felt so unreal, as if suddenly time had stopped for them both as Paul felt Jock’s heart stop beating, just as his own stopped. They simply looked at each other, feeling the truth in what had been said.

The crackle of bacon intruded and Jock turned to shove the pile of crispy strips off to one side. His hands moved deftly as he spread the bacon and hash browns onto the two plates he had by the side. The eggs were quickly moved on and then he turned, the grill turned off and two plates of steaming food in one hand.

Their eyes met again and this time Paul felt the twinge inside as Jock motioned him towards the table. It was a moment that he knew he would never forget. In some ways it was as if they had spoken volumes and yet Paul knew there were many more questions left to ask. His heart seemed to beat slower as he sat down waiting for Jock. The plate of steaming food unnoticed in front of him as he looked up into the brown eyes.

And well, Well you sure seemed to know what to do last night, Christ you are so… I mean, hell I feel like… well like I am back in high school…

Me too.

Really?

Yeah, I just never, I mean I know we didn’t do a whole lot, but…

In his own mind he knew they had done more than enough. To him a first time didn’t mean you did everything but Jock seemed that he did. He wondered if that was perhaps from his time with Mark but as he looked into Jock’s face, he knew it was just that Jock wanted to please. It was weird really, to see that glow inside of the man & yet to also be able to recognize the fear too. So much was happening & so quickly that he too felt that twinge of fear, of doubt.

Jock, what we did was what was right for then, there are no set you do this I do that stuff… I mean, sometimes you just have to take your time… I know its been awhile since I… since I really…

I’ve never done some things Paul, I don’t know if I’d please you the way… I mean…

It was like listening to his own fears, his own doubts. Sex seemed so important but in reality he knew it was just a part of life, nothing that couldn’t be worked out if you cared enough about each other. Paul just didn’t know how to say it, to explain it.

Jock, let’s have breakfast before it gets cold, it looks so inviting…

Sorry.

Don’t be.. it is, hell I am just as uncertain about things as you… damned if I know what to say either.

Really?

Uh huh.

But you are…

Older?

No, I didn’t mean that, just that, well you have done all this before, I’ve never been… I mean all I ever let Mark do was uh, the oral stuff, and even that… I mean… there hasn’t been any other men… so…

I am in no rush Jock, if all we ever do is no more than what we did last night, then I am still feeling like I died and went to heaven. It was all I could handle, to be honest. I mean… look… there is something about you that makes me feel, well, like I have been given a very special moment, I don’t want it to end.

I don’t either, it is just… I mean there are so many things I want to say but I don’t know really how.

You just say them Jock, if last night was a beginning, and I sure as hell hope so, then we have to learn to, well to tell each other our thoughts.

But what if I say the wrong thing or not that, I mean, well what if I just don’t say it right? I don’t want to lose… Paul I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Last night was, well… scary and yet, I mean… it just felt like… like I needed to be with you, I know I didn’t do much but…

If you don’t say it right, then we’ll try to figure it out, I know how to use a dictionary.

Paul…

Okay, look, neither of us can make any promises about what might happen, let’s well, let’s sort of let things happen and take it one step at a time.

So last night was okay?

More than okay Jock… this is weird… I am sorry, I am not used to talking about this either. It has been a long time for me… since I even felt this way.

Really? I never would have… Paul, why are you single? I mean… damn I am putting my foot in it, but, I guess I just can’t believe my luck, you are exactly what I have always dreamed about, when I let myself.

Paul felt like he was looking in some time mirror. He could see his own reflection in the words that Jock was trying to get out and he knew that in many ways they shared the same doubts and fears. He couldn’t believe his good fortune from last night yet he too had felt that maybe he hadn’t done all that Jock needed. It was bizarre to think you could establish a routine in just one night and Jason had helped him there, just as he knew he would need to help Jock. His biggest fear really was wondering if he was up to the task or would he blow it?

Me? God Jock you don’t know the half of it, I have a lot of baggage my friend…

Paul was surprised as Jock stood up and reached over to kiss Paul lightly on the lips. He could feel the electricity pouring into his body as the lips brushed lightly together. Then Jock’s head pulled back a bit to stare once more into Paul’s blue eyes. They locked & simply stared at each other for a minute or even two. He felt the hitch in his heart and the sudden gasp for air as his body shook a little by the soft tender touch that lingered as they stared at each other.

Finally Jock lowered his head and sat back down again, his tongue giving a quick flick over his lips that made Paul’s eyes widen a bit. It was almost as if Jock was trying to savour that taste, that one brief taste.

What was that for?

Calling me your friend… sorry, it is just, well, it felt so good..

Paul felt his hand reaching out over the table with the palm open. He waited as Jock looked at it and then brought his own hand up to let it fit neatly into Paul’s. It felt so good to hold him like that as the aroma of the food wafted past and he could smell Jock’s own scent mingling with the smell. It was as domestic as he had ever gotten in the last 20 or so years and he could feel the excitement racing around inside of him.

He also felt the apprehension of what he was letting himself in for. Here he was, 61 years of age with a man half his age at best, beginning something that he had only dreamed of for the last 20 years. Could he change his own ways to meet Jock’s needs or would his set ways eventually ruin what could be?

So many questions flew past his mind that he felt a bit dizzy by it all. Even after breakfast, there seemed a sense of awkwardness that he knew was mostly his fault. He really just wanted to reach out and grab Jock but held back. Still while cleaning up he did manage to brush against him which only added to his sense of wonder. The mere touch of Jock’s young firm figure next to his own made the blood boil inside. Thoughts of taking him into his arms and smothering him with passionate kisses took his fancy and even caused him to drop some cutlery that he was drying.

The noise had startled Jock but the look in his eyes had made it all worth it. Paul could see his concern as if he had dropped something important and yet the smile had made Paul feel weak at the knees. It was a twirling tornado of emotions with each passing of a dirty dish or pot and Paul felt like he was 16 again. How could he not want this? It was like a prayer had been answered but his mind had forgotten asking for it.

Even back upstairs Paul had felt the doubts crossing his mind. He had wanted to follow Jock into the shower but held back, knowing he was being old fashioned, telling himself it would be too pushy. Yet he was certain there was a sense of disappointment in Jock when he didn’t, but also a sense of relief. It was confusing but he knew that he couldn’t stop going forward. This was his chance, perhaps his last chance at having something he had secretly wanted for a very long time.

The sound of the water running and the noise of it falling off of Jock’s body only made his heart ache even more. He stared at his reflection in the large steamy mirror, wondering what it was that Jock saw in him? Could it be that he could see beyond that ancient looking face or was he looking for something else? As much as he hated himself for thinking it, he wondered briefly if it was the money or something else?

Staring at his own reflection he felt himself sizing up the pro’s and con’s of it all. He had some things to offer Jock, most of which was material but he did have a few non material things he could bring to the mix. He did have experience to some extend, and he had been around for a time so that could be a plus. It also could be a negative because he was 61, there was no escaping that.

His hair had receded quite a fair amount but he didn’t think it made him look exactly old. In some small way it added a bit of character to his appearance he thought but would Jock see that? What about other people? How would they see him and Jock? More than likely they would see the rich old fart with a young stud on his arm and figure it was about the money. It would be their first thoughts really and he had to admit it could be a problem.

Yet as hard as his mind kept trying to be practical about it, he found the answers deep in his heart. Frankly what difference did it really make what people thought, it was what Jock and he thought about it that counted. Just looking at Jock he could feel that the money was an issue but not in the way others would. If anything he felt confident that Jock would bend over the other way in an effort to not make it be about that. Still, he had a lot of money, it would be hard to not have it influence their relationship.

The sudden realization that he was embarking on an actual relationship gave him a cold chill. He shivered a bit as he looked at his reflection. The steam from the shower had distorted the view and yet he didn’t move to wipe the glass. It was how he saw himself, grey and distorted. How could he even consider this he thought? What madness was it to let himself be swept up by the glimmering hope of some grand love affair with a man half his age?

He felt suddenly very old and very scared. Paul knew in his heart that he craved the warm embrace of Jock’s arms but he also knew that he was still very much frightened by all that it would mean. He hadn’t been off the mark in saying he had a lot of baggage, and he wondered if it was fair to Jock to subject him to it? Could he expect someone so vulnerable to accept and understand all that it meant? Was it perhaps expecting too much?

Doubts and fears raced inside and he found his heart faltering a little. He knew he wanted this but he believed he was past it. His time had come and gone, of that he was fairly certain. Still, there was a small shard of hope that seemed persistent. It wouldn’t let him toss this chance away. Last night had been beyond words for him and just thinking about it made his shoulders relax a bit. The image before him might be old but it still breathed, it still had life inside so why shouldn’t he seize this opportunity?

The anxiety was making him sweat or maybe it just was the heat from the hot water coming from the shower. Either way he felt a strange heaviness inside that made him lean forward and close his eyes. He really wanted this but he could feel the years of denial roaring up inside. He wanted to be free of these doubts but they seemed insurmountable as he contemplated his image, his limited future.

Paul felt a sudden surge of something and he was startled as he tried to figure out where this strange new feeling was coming from. It felt wet and warm and inviting too as his head came up and there, in the mirror was another reflection. This time he felt the tension rising up as he stared out at his own brooding face and the soft thoughtful face of Jock next to it.

Jock merely stood there as Paul stared at him in the mirror. He saw the hair dangling down on either side of his face, the water dripping down his forehead and his flesh gleamed in the bathroom’s light. It looked so pink and fresh that it made Paul’s heart skip a beat. His eyes widened as Jock’s arms moved up to encircle his waist. He felt the wetness growing as Jock’s body seemed to just melt into his own and the long thin face now rested gently on Paul’s shoulder.

Are you as scared as I am Paul?

Slowly Paul felt himself turning around in Jock’s strong wet arms. He looked into the face and felt the drips of water against his bared chest. His robe had fallen open as he stood close to Jock, smelling his own shampoo and soap. He breathed in deeply as he also smelled the fear that came form them both.

‘Yes’ he said as he felt his own arms reaching out and sliding under Jocks’ arms. ‘Yes I am just as scared but we’ll work through it… if you want’

He stood there feeling Jock’s heart beating next to his, feeling his body gradually forming itself into Jock’s firm muscular frame. The arms held him tightly and Paul’s hands moved slowly up the small of Jock’s back. He could feel the fear but he also felt the thrill of the touch, the softness of the skin and the firmness of the muscles. His whole body grew hard and rigid as he closed his eyes and leaned closer to let his mouth brush up against the thin pale lips. The power of their embrace became harder as his body moved back a step and he felt the edge of the counter against his back. His groin was like a raging inferno as it pushed forward into the soft belly of the young man. He could feel the press back from Jock’s own crotch just as their lips touched.

It felt like a plug being put into the socket. The way his whole body suddenly became charged with an overwhelming sense of joy and pleasure. Every part of him began to tingle as the juice from the socket surged inwards. Paul didn’t know what to make of it as his emotions suddenly were awakened by the press of Jock’s mouth on his own. He could taste the man as his lips parted slightly and Jock’s thick raspy tongue came snaking inside in a darting manner.

Every part of his body suddenly ached and he felt the breathe leaving his lungs. His arms grew numb as he clung onto Jock’s own shivering body. There was no mistaking the desire or the passion that kept roaring into his body from every pore in his own body. He felt so alive that it actually hurt. The thunder of his own heart rose to a crescendo as he felt Jock’s long thick tongue running along the roof of his mouth. Tears welled up at the corner of his eyes as he held them tightly shut, afraid to open them for fear that he’d find this all a dream. Yet the thundering noise in his head told him how real it was.

Lights seemed to be exploding around him as his own tongue licked at the young probing flesh inside of his mouth. He could taste him and with each swallow he felt a surge of excitement that only drove his pulse to race faster. Every part of him shook as he felt Jock’s raw passion envelop him. He felt the desire and need clinging to the very beads of sweat that dotted his entire body and his robe was nothing but a massive weight of water soaked cloth. His body ached in ways he had never realized it could. The pain was so intense it felt like he would black out and yet it was also so sweet and inviting that he craved more.

Paul’s hips shot outwards, his hard erect penis digging hard into the rigid body in front and in return he felt the press of Jock’s own penis wedged firmly into the soft inner thigh of one leg. His body shook as his mind was overcome by the emotions from his soul. His hands grew numb and fell to rest around the firm cheeks of Jock’s buttocks. His eyes were glued tightly together as his lungs gasped for air. Jock’s mouth grew harder and he felt the puffing breath of Jock’s own breath filling his throat as a short strangled cry of pleasure assailed his deafened ear drums.

Just as the sound began to diminish he felt the cooling breeze of air across his face. Their lips had parted and suddenly his mouth was empty and his heart cried out for more just as the stinging heat came gushing past the hot flesh of his inner thighs. He felt the hard press of Jock’s body into his and the hard edge of the counter dug deeply into the small of Paul’s back.

It was over in a second but before he could catch his breath he felt the taller body suddenly sliding down his own heaving chest. He felt the hard rapid press of lips against his turning stomach, felt the warmth of the kisses on his belly and then in a flash his body was once more brought to the edge of excruciating pain & pleasure as Jocks’ mouth wrapped itself around the thick bulging head of Paul’s penis.

The sudden warmth and moisture made him cry out as his hands reached down to dig into the flesh on Jock’s shoulder. His fingers dug inwards as the pleasure surged into his body from his groin. His hips jerked forward as the blood drained from his body, rushing at break neck speed towards his groin. His lungs ached as he gasped for air and the heat became too much for him. Stars and bolts of blue mingled with purple and red passed in front of his closed eyes as he cried out, feeling the explosion coming from deep within his soul.

His body lurched forward and he felt the hard press of Jock’s mouth up against his pubic hairs. His body lost all strength as he surrendered to the overpowering passion that held him fixed against the counter. His toes curled and the nails dug deep into the hot flesh of the shoulders, digging so deep that he could feel the bone beneath. His voice cried out as he heaved forward and he felt the explosion shake him from the top of his head to the very souls of his feet.

The doubts and fears were gone for the moment as his body felt near collapse. He managed to pry open his eyes slightly as he heard a cough and felt his body slowly sinking to the floor. He opened them to see Jock next to him, his eyes glazed in a way he had never seen in another human before. There was a glint that made his heart skip a beat as he struggled to speak, instead all he could do was stare at the young man, a small dried whiteness on his chin showing him that barely a drop of his love had escaped the man’s lips.

He had no idea where they would go from this point, but Paul knew that as much as he feared the future, he couldn’t stop fate from taking him along a path he had long been avoiding. For his entire life he had avoided this but he knew deep down that his heart was no longer his own. That in this brief moment, this brief encounter he had surrendered to the passion that seemed to be all around them.

Sitting on the floor with him made him feel like he was only 15 or 16. The way his blood still boiled deep inside only made his doubts and fears evaporate in the steam filled bathroom. The tiles of the floor didn’t feel cold or hard, but where like a pillow of eider down as he reached out with his hand, to take Jock’s own hand. He held it on his lap and stared into the deep rich chocolate eyes that peered out at him.

There were so many obstacles ahead that it seemed insurmountable and yet looking at him, feeling the pulse of his heart Paul knew that they could manage. He knew it wouldn’t be easy yet it didn’t seem to matter as he felt the passion that flowed all around them.

Slowly he raised his hand to gently caress the younger face. His fingers moved lightly over the shivering cheeks as he let the man’s eyes hold his own. It was what his heart had been searching for and at last Paul had found the courage to seize the opportunity that had crossed his path. For now he didn’t care how long it would last, as long as it lasted for the moment.

You know, if you wanted me to join you in the shower, you could have just asked.

Jock smiled as he looked into Paul’s eyes. He reached out with his hand and took Paul’s, bringing it to his lips where he kissed it gently.

This seemed better.

The smile melted his heart as Jock stood up and still holding Paul’s hand, he helped him up to his feet. He kissed him softly this time on the lips then reached out to the small dish on the counter. He turned to look at Paul, the eyes searching and then with that gleam growing his hand picked up one of the small packages. His head turned briefly away, staring down at the package and then back up to gaze into Paul’s eyes.

With his hand firmly clutching at Paul’s, Jock moved away and led them both back to the open shower door. The sound of the spray echoed distantly as his heart thundered inside. He felt the warmth of the escaping steam and he could see it swirling around their bodies as he let his robe slip from his shoulders and body. He stood their naked next to Jock’s own nude body. In that instant he felt the passion rising up inside of him as Jock stepped over the railing into the wide shower enclosure, his hand still holding Paul’s. Jock turned to smile at Paul, as his body was slowly surrounded by the thin wisps of steam and in that instant Paul realized he had just won the biggest lottery of them all, he had finally won at the lottery of love.

Story – The Lottery (6)

The Lottery

Part 6

Paul stared at the people passing by as he sat on the small wooden bench in the town’s park. He enjoyed coming here and just watching. It gave him a bit of connection to the people and many would nod or smile as they passed him by. He had no illusion that many looked at him as a strange duck, not because he was gay but because with all his money he had chosen to live here in Arnold. Many of them couldn’t understand why he would leave a big city for the dull routine of a small town and to be honest, he wasn’t so sure himself.

He liked the life here, the slow pace and the fact that people took to calling everyone by their first name. He had lived here for only a few short months but already he was ‘Paul’ to most of the local businesses he frequented. The bank tellers all called him Paul and even the waiter at his favourite restaurant called him that. The clerks at the grocery store called him Paul and even the gas jockey at Matt’s Garage had finally felt safe enough to call him Paul.

It was a nice feeling really but at times it did feel rather hollow. He knew he came into town every Friday like this not because he had to, but because he enjoyed hearing a voice and seeing a face to put with it. Mark had been right, he had isolated himself from people which was easy to do in a big uncaring city, but it was just as easy to do in a small town too.

Ever since that party he hadn’t spoken to Mark Thayer. He felt sad at that and several times he had thought about calling him but he always put the phone back down or just never picked it up. What could he say to him? The words they had exchanged had left a mark, had even created a rift between them that Paul just didn’t know how to bridge. Worse though was that what he really wanted to ask was about Jock.

There too he felt at a loss. His heart ached each night when he would go into his library as he could still see the tall man standing by the shelves. He could still see the beaming smile on his face and yet he hadn’t called him, hadn’t even tried to get in touch with Jock. Course his mind would say that Jock hadn’t tried either, but why would he? He had been thrust into a situation by Mark which had been awkward. Besides, Jock was young and Paul was over the hill, an old man in age no matter what Mark Thayer might make of that.

No, as much as his mind might think Jock should have or could have called he knew in his heart that it should be him doing the calling. It was just that, well, he was old. He was 61 years of age and chasing after some 30 something man was preposterous. Mark was right, he couldn’t offer Jock anything but at best a few short years. It wouldn’t be fair to Jock so he avoided it by not calling him. That was his excuse and yet sitting on the bench every Friday afternoon he found his thoughts returning to Jock.

It was like reliving last summer and fall all over again he thought. The sleep at night always seemed to be restless, to be more exhausting than the day even after chopping wood. When he had moved up here he had gone many nights without dreaming of Jock or even thinking of him, but since that party Jock had once more invaded his dreams. It was becoming a worse obsession than before and Paul wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

Tommy had told him he should call him if he was feeling this way. Easy for him to say but damn what could he say? Okay, he had enjoyed their time together that afternoon, had been impressed really with Jock’s sensitivity and of course his love for reading had enamoured him in Paul’s eyes. Still he couldn’t just pick up the phone and invite him over for the weekend like Tommy urged, or could he?

For starters he wouldn’t know how to even begin the conversation. What was he supposed to say? Hi, I am the rich guy Mark embarrassed you in front of? He doubted if that would go over good and frankly that is exactly how it had been. There was no doubt that Jock had felt ashamed and embarrassed, so what could he say? Tommy suggested he invite him up to help stack new books in the shelves, but that felt too obvious to Paul. Least in his mind it was though Tommy thought it would work.

He wished he could get Jock out of his thoughts, wished he could either get up the nerve to phone him or get on with enjoying his remaining days. Naturally thinking like that seemed to also bring back that conversation with good old Mark Thayer. Damn him too for even saying half that stuff but sitting on the bench, Paul knew that part of it was true. Maybe that was why he had refused Mark’s offer to stay and clean up after the party, could also be why he hadn’t called Mark since and why he kept chickening out in calling Jock. He just wished he knew what to do, wished that for once he could get past being practical, being the pragmatist instead of the optimist.

Jason had told him that they were a good pair. When pressed he had said that he, Jason, was the one who could get Paul to move off the couch, to take a risk now & then while Paul was the one who would be there to catch him when he fell from whatever stunt he had tried. In retrospect Paul knew it had been true. Jason had been the one to go out, to incite even and he had dragged Paul with him many times. It was true to that when those forays out had turned bad or not worked out he had been the one to cool things down, to soothe the ruffled feathers.

It was like yesterday but it was 20 years ago when Jason knew he wouldn’t see another birthday that he had told Paul what his only regret in life had been. Two actually because the first one had been that he hadn’t met Paul earlier, so that they would have had more time being together. That statement had rocked him and even now he could feel the tears welling up inside of him. The words still rang out inside his head and made his heart ache with such pain that he felt like it would burst out from his chest. He hated that feeling and yet he also loved it. It meant that he was alive still inside, that he could feel.

The other thing that gnawed at him was that Jason had wished he could have gotten Paul to realize how wonderful life was, that he could have given Paul some of his outgoing nerve. It was the words that hurt because in some ways he felt like he had disappointed or let Jason down. He knew in his heart that he hadn’t, he knew that Jason had loved him for who he was, not who he might be, but in those last few months he also knew that Jason worried about him, about his future. He had told him not to grieve too long, told him that he should take the trips they had planned and remember him then, but he also told him to get out, to find someone who would make him enjoy life like he had.

It hurt to think that Jason worried about him when he was in such pain but that had been Jason. Oh sure they had their fights but to be honest most of them were about minor things. The only real serious battles had been about his reluctance to change his routine, to take new risks. Jason had wanted Paul to be active in life, and for his part Paul had argued that he was, just in different ways. Jason never really bought into that, and thinking back on it Paul knew that Jason had been right.

It was just that he never was comfortable meeting new people. He always felt like he wasn’t up to the standards or afraid that he couldn’t meet their expectations. It wasn’t rational but it was how he had felt. Jason didn’t quite believe that, to him he felt that Paul was simply afraid that he might actually enjoy it or perhaps be disappointed. In some ways Jason had thought that Paul was afraid to find out that life wasn’t always the way it was depicted in the books, that it wasn’t always dark or filled with tragedy. He also knew that Paul felt uneasy by mankind, felt unsure of his fellow man. He knew that wasn’t completely true still at times lately, he wondered about it.

Thinking about it brought back Mark’s words too. He had said that Paul used his books to escape life, not to enjoy the wonders detailed in the books. Course Mark hadn’t said it quite so nicely but that had been his intent. He didn’t believe it then but now, looking out at the milling people he wondered if perhaps it wasn’t true? Trouble was even if it was, it just seemed too late to turn back the clock. He was 61 years old now, why waste the time or effort in a fool’s errand?

Mr Taylor?

The voice startled him as he turned his head to stare at the tall young man standing by the park bench. He recognized him immediately and at the same time he noticed the reluctance, the hesitancy in the boy’s stance.

Chad… sorry I didn’t see you coming up.

Yes sir, uh, I brought you your truck, it’s uh all done.

Thank you, can I give you a lift back to the station?

Uh, no, that’s okay I’ll walk back.

Paul looked at the tall young boy from under his eyes. There was no doubting that Chad was a rugged handsome boy who would certainly turn anyone’s head. He had fine outdoor features, a soft tanned glow on his face already despite the grease under one eye. There was something about him that always gave Paul a small thrill. It wasn’t sexual either but more like, well like how he thought a grandparent would feel when seeing their grand son. Yet there was something reserved about Chad that had nagged at him and he could see it now, reflected in the blue eyes that normally shone.

Sure? I mean I have to go back to pay the bill.

Well, uh, if its not out of your way, I guess it’ll be okay.

He had been going to Matt’s garage since moving up to Arnold and Chad had been the gas jockey always attending to filling up the truck, cleaning the windows and checking under the hood. This had been his first service work and for whatever reason Chad seemed nervous suddenly. It wasn’t his usual self confident persona and for a moment or two Paul wondered if something was wrong, when it hit him. Chad was nervous to be alone in the truck with him.

It really didn’t seem possible that this 17 old kid, a star football & basketball player was afraid to be alone with him but that was the look. Paul felt like he was suddenly bathed in a spotlight. He wanted to turn around and see who was watching him, afraid they might all be staring when he knew that no one really was paying any attention, or where they? He felt a strange coldness inside, realizing that despite all the polite chit chat, all the cordial greetings, people still were afraid of him, even the town’s star athlete.

No problem, have to go & pay or they might come and take the truck away.

Huh? No, Matt wouldn’t do that, he knows you are… sorry, guess you were joking huh?

Yeah, not a very good one I suppose.

Paul realized that he was at his driveway without even having noticed the drive back from town. The whole incident with Chad had thrown him and he couldn’t explain it. He had thought that they had accepted him but in that one brief moment he had seen the fear in the boy’s face. He wasn’t sure if it was fear that he would try something or fear of what the boy’s friends would say if they saw him with Paul in his truck. Either way he suddenly felt out of place, felt for the first time since moving up here that he wasn’t really a part of the town nor that he would ever be accepted fully as a part of the local community.

It was a very strange & perplexing feeling really. Back in the city he had never really felt that way and maybe the last time he had felt so isolated, so glaringly different had been when he had been in college. It was when he had come to terms with who he was but now it all came back to him. The uncertainty and fear that someone might discover his secret, might find out that he was gay.

Okay he was younger then and to be honest, no one really seemed all that interested in him or cared whether he was straight or gay. Even back then he had pretty well kept to himself, had made himself invisible really. Once more Mark’s words came back to taunt him because he spent most of his college time either at the library or in his dorm room reading. Not all that he read was for class either but being gay wasn’t exactly something you openly discussed then. It wasn’t like it was now, but then had anything really changed?

He had made no secret of being gay. The papers had all covered that aspect of his life within the first few lines of telling the world of his lottery win. Still he had never looked at it as being a problem until now. Seeing the way Chad had looked or rather had avoided looking at him told him more than any words ever could. The whole drive back to the gas station had been of awkward silence and he had barely stopped the truck before Chad had bolted out the door.

Okay maybe he was reading more into it, after all there was a customer at the pumps still the boy seemed relieved to be out and away from him. Even the owner of the garage looked relieved when Chad went bounding to the pumps. It was like he had been worrying too, wondering if this rich queer might run true to form, run true to the so called image that always made the news, the one about the old man chasing the younger boys.

Paul had taken their acceptance for granted, that was what perhaps irked him the most and scared him too. He was certain there were other gays around, law of averages said there had to be and yet none had shown themselves. None had come out of the mountains or up from the valley to welcome him. For all he knew, he really was the only gay person in the whole area and now it frightened him. Maybe he had made a mistake in coming up here?

His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he could see Chad’s face once more. The way he kept his hands on his lap, the way he avoided looking directly at Paul. It all fit now and he hated the feeling it gave him. It was like somehow he was dirty, like he had some terrible illness that Chad was afraid of catching. It brought back memories of the 50’s and 60’s that had played out on television when he was a kid. The way white men would look at black men.

The way they had that look of mistrust, of disdain even had always surprised him. The way that black men had stared back had always made him uncomfortable too. Now he recognized that look, for it was the same look that Chad had on his face. It was one of fear, one of hatred too but not for the same reasons as back then. Now it was hatred for something beyond just a colour of skin. Paul shivered a little at the realization that people could feel hatred for him simply because he was different.

All sorts of weird thoughts had passed thru his mind as he had driven home. He never really had been a victim of bullying or homophobia and so in some ways this was kind of a shock to his system. Back in San Francisco there had been people who would stare at two guys walking hand in hand but that was generally the worst of it. It was normal to see guys kissing in the park or holding hands. To him his entire adult life had been sheltered from the rest of the world. To him he had matured as a gay man in a city that was gay friendly, far more gay friendly than any other but he had seen those looks there too.

Paul hadn’t thought that he had given anyone, least of all Chad, any reason to assume he was some deviant. It wasn’t like he had gone around in bright rainbow coloured outfits or talked in a high pitched feminine voice either. So why the fear of him? Why did the owner of the garage appear so relieved only after Chad had left the truck? He knew the answer was simply that they didn’t know any better. They had bought into the frothing of the religious right, had bought into the media hype that always brought out the worst of any group when one had done wrong.

It really was no different today than it had been 50 years ago. He could still recall the angry words from politicians and from men of god when a black man had been caught with a white girl. The vile hatred that had spewed out of their mouths then was no different than now. Only difference was that instead of ‘black’ put in ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’. Paul felt a chill in his bones as he stared at the road ahead.

All sorts of strange notions rushed through his mind as he wheeled the truck into the driveway, barely seeing the road until he turned to come into the clearing in front of the house. He felt a lurch in his heart as his foot went to the brakes to stop the truck from careening into the old pale blue beat up Datsun that was in front of him. His eyes became slightly glazed as he saw the car door open and there he stood, once more surprising him, once more making his heart skip several beats.

Paul sat there for a full minute before he opened the door and stepped out to greet his visitor. The apprehension from his encounter with Chad didn’t disappear, instead it seemed heighten by the sudden appearance of Jock. It was like something had suddenly taken charge over his life, as if some weird force had decided to come and intervene in his quiet self imposed exile.

Jock… this is a surprise…

Hi, uh, I am sorry for uh, for showing up without phoning first.. I didn’t… I mean…

He could feel the anxiety as if it was something physical coming from Jock. Paul ached for the man’s obvious discomfort as his own mind reeled from his sudden appearance. In one way it was like a gift and yet in another it appeared foreboding, as if something horrible was about to befall him.

No, no its fine, I am glad you decided to come up. Uh, nothing is wrong is it?

Huh? Oh, no… no not really, I just… I mean I had no classes this afternoon and I, I uh well, I felt like a drive and well, I sort of wound up here… if its not a good time to visit…

Okay, calm down he tried to tell himself. It wasn’t like Jock had planned this, he had simply found himself in the neighbourhood but even as Paul tried to use that logic he knew it wasn’t true. No one drove that distance by chance. Still it did feel good to see him there despite the fear that was raging inside of him. God why now he thought as he tried to smile, to reassure the man.

It’s fine Jock, this is really a nice surprise… please, come on in… you been waiting long? I mean…

Not really, hour or two I guess.

I am sorry, I didn’t…

My fault, I should have phoned first, but… well I didn’t know I was going to make it up here actually… you sure it’s okay? I don’t want to impose or anything…

No, no imposition at all… come on in.

Walking into the house he could smell the shampoo scent on Jock and also something else, it was a scent of fear really. He wasn’t certain why but it was no different than the smell he had noticed sitting in his truck with Chad on the way back to the garage. He was feeling a bit bewildered by the swift change of fortune and he stumbled a little over the step, and the touch of Jock’s hand on his arm made him shudder.

You okay?

Uh yeah fine, thanks.

He was lying thru his teeth but he tried desperately to hang on. His ankle hurt a bit but the sensation he had gotten from Jock’s firm grip on his arm was still racing up and down inside of him. Paul felt like some damn teenager that had just been touched by the person of his dreams. The fact that it was that didn’t alter that Paul wasn’t 15 or 16 anymore but was 61. How could he feel this way at his age? It didn’t make sense but then nothing was normal today and this was just one more incident to confuse his already troubled thoughts.

He tossed his keys onto the small table by the door and gestured for Jock to go ahead of him. Paul noticed how tentative Jock seemed and once more he was struck by how much he was smitten by the man. His eyes couldn’t seem to get enough of the tall handsome figure and his heart was doing cartwheels inside his chest. He coughed a little as Jock stopped and stared at the wide open living room.

Guess they didn’t do too much damage huh?

Damage? Who.. oh from the party… uh.. no, nothing a good mopping and waxing didn’t take care of.

I wanted to come and help you clean up.

There was a sense of sadness about Jock that made Paul feel apprehensive. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something was troubling Jock. Worse was that it seemed to matter to Paul more than he could fathom. He wished he could just hold him, but he was afraid of scaring him off.

Well, uh, that’s okay, I managed.

I should have.

Why?

I don’t know… you were kind to me that day, and… well I bolted out of here, it wasn’t right.

His own heart was aching from the obvious pain that Jock was feeling. He felt lost a little as he tried to figure out what was on the man’s mind. It hurt that he felt so powerless, so helpless and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to press, to push for answers. Instead he tried to reassure the man despite his own feelings of apprehension & fear.

I didn’t think you bolted, and I enjoyed the time we spent, you uh.. Jock, you okay? I mean… I know its none of my business but…

I wish it was… sorry, I am a bit… school ends in two weeks, and I guess it’s just finally hitting me.

Yes, end of a term is always tough, you feel so out of place but then before you can get too lost its time to start planning for next term…

Not for me, I can’t find a place, least not for teaching. I did get an offer from a nice restaurant though, so at least I’ll have a job.

He understood the feeling that Jock was experiencing. When teaching was your passion to suddenly be faced with losing it, it took something out of you. Still his mind was rebelling at the surge of compassion welling up from his heart. He could hear the nagging voice of mistrust trying to be heard but his heart was refusing. Jock wasn’t that type, he wasn’t like the others and yet still the voice wouldn’t be silenced totally.

I am sorry, I thought you would find another position.

I thought so too, guess my ex is too much for the school board.

I am sorry for that, what about in a different district?

No, I think maybe a break from teaching isn’t so bad of an idea… sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you down. Guess I am just… hell I don’t know what I am.

It’s okay, we all have those kind of days.

Do you?

Yeah, more than I care to admit sometimes.

Strange isn’t it?

What?

I feel like I can tell you anything yet…

Yet what?

Yet… yet even though inside I know I can, I keep stumbling over it.

Well, I don’t bite if that is what worries you.

No, I guess it’s me, I sometimes think I was born in a closet and am too afraid to open the door. Shoot, that didn’t sound right.

Paul had heard that kind of line many times before. It was common and yet hearing it from Jock didn’t make him pull back. He could see that Jock meant it, that he really did feel a sort of connection but that it frightened him. Hell, he had to admit that he too questioned his own feelings that way. It was sort of as if he was seeing a younger version of himself.

He peered closely at the young man standing next to him. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes either. Paul felt the tug on his heart from the way Jock’s eyes seemed so pained, so filled with trepidation and he knew that it had taken a lot of courage for him to just come here. In some ways it was flattering, in other ways it wasn’t.

How had he let himself project such a rigid image of himself? He didn’t think he was, in fact he kind of thought of himself as being rather easy going, flexible really yet he could see the terror in Jock’s face. Okay, part of that was Jock’s inexperience but part was his fault too. It wasn’t that he was mean, just that people mistook his shyness as being aloof.

He sighed a little as he let his body relax. Paul was as nervous as Jock but it was up to him to put the young man at ease. Some instinct inside told him that this was his chance and as much as his mind wanted to slow it down, his heart had managed to gain control. His voice was a bit shaky but he was determined this time around to not let the opportunity slip by.

Actually, I think I know exactly what you mean. It is, well, it’s how I am too I suppose, least if you ask Mr Thayer he’ll say so. I guess we get in a particular comfort zone and are too content to go outside that zone, even though we may want to.

Mark said that about you?

Not in those words but yeah, he thinks I hide behind my books.

Damn, that’s what he said about me. Said I was a bookworm who lived in the books instead of in the real world.

Sounds like typical Mark Thayer off the cuff comment.

He’s right… least about me. I do prefer the books over him or anyone else really, ‘cept for that afternoon when I was here. Guess that’s kind of why I am here.

I don’t follow… I mean, uh look why don’t we sit down? Would you like something to drink? Glass of wine maybe?

Yeah… oh no, I better not. Have to drive and last thing I need is a DUI.

Drive? Oh back to the city?

Yeah.

His mind was shouting warnings right, left, and centre but all Paul could think of was that this was his chance, perhaps his last chance to try and seize the dreams that had haunted him for almost a year now. He couldn’t just acquiesce, not now, not without some effort.

It was scary to think that he would have to say something, that he would have to risk the rejection that his mind was certain would come, but he had to take that chance. He knew that if he didn’t, his nights would become intolerable and worse, that he would wind up locked up in this huge house alone forever.

Why don’t you stay here? I mean it is late and well… I mean… we could have dinner and talk, if you want, that is… I don’t want to push…

I’d like that, I just don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I mean I wanted to come back before, it is just, well… you are rich…

So?

I didn’t want you to think, I mean, well you can have whoever you want and all, I just didn’t want you to think I was… well, what’s the word, uh, gold digger?

There it was out in the open for him to accept, worry about, or ignore. His mind was yelling but the thundering voice from deep inside was louder. He knew deep down inside that whatever Jock might be, a gold digger wasn’t one of them. His mind asked him how he knew and for the life of him he didn’t have an answer other than he just knew it. He could feel it each time he looked at Jock. There was no ulterior motives or guile in the man. He was as he appeared, a tall handsome man who was struggling with just living. It was just how he himself had been, still was in some respects.

I don’t think that.

I am not, I mean… I am not good at this, I don’t know what to say, Mark says I am worried about what people think of me… I am not really, well I am, but only about certain people.. I ramble too… I don’t want to make a bad impression… I think I should go…

It was now or never, he knew that as he saw the frightened and dejected look crossing Jock’s face. His heart skipped a beat as he felt panic at first, then from somewhere long since forgotten he found the courage to stand tall. Paul knew that he couldn’t let it go, that somehow he had to find the words and the voice to give Jock what he needed, to give him the sign that he himself had been searching for.

NO! No please… look I am not good at this either Jock, been a long time since anyone ever got my interest like you have…

Me?

Yes you… I have wanted to call you so many times…

Why didn’t you?

Same reason I guess that you didn’t… sorry that sounded catty… I guess because I was afraid you would be offended by some old geezer chasing after you…

You aren’t old… least you don’t look or act old.

Mark would disagree with you.

Mark isn’t me, and I know there is an age thing, but I don’t know… I feel more alive, no that’s not the word, more free around you. It is like, well, like you can see what I mean beyond what I say… if that makes sense… Christ I feel like I am back in high school.

The way Jock’s jaw grew firm as he crossed Mark’s opinion off into thin air excited him. He hadn’t seen that look before but it made his heart feel warm. It was like there was a whole different person before him in a flash and then just as quickly another appeared. There was once more the hesitant boy, but with a difference this time around. For that split second Paul felt like maybe his heart was right, maybe this time Jock wouldn’t leave.

Haha, funny because that’s how I feel too. Giddy and nervous and scared.

Really? Strange isn’t it?

Sort of, guess part of that is from being a recluse. I suppose in some ways Mark was right, I have hidden behind the books, kind of sounds like you and me share that trait…

Does, doesn’t it?

So, red or white wine?

You sure it’s okay?

He could feel the shift in moods. It was like a weight had suddenly been lifted just a little off both of their shoulders. Paul wasn’t sure where this would go, but inside he knew that he couldn’t relax, that he couldn’t go back to the state of solitude he had imposed on himself without giving it his all. In a strange and frightening way he knew too that Jock had come to that same point, that same cross roads.

I am sure

Red please.

Okay, one red it is, uh, Jock?

Yes?

I am glad you found your way here tonight.

Funny, I was just feeling that way too.

Story – The Lottery (5)

The Lottery

Part 5

Paul stared out at the people in his living room. His eyes moved along the sprawled figures laying out on the floor as he tried to put things into perspective. The whole night had been one of disappointment and yet relief too. Jock had left shortly after Mark’s arrival and in some ways Paul felt relieved.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted Jock to stay but then he did want to have to sit in the library or anywhere knowing that Mark would be pawing Jock’s young body either. There was no reason for him to feel jealous, after all Jock was Mark’s latest. Still he knew it would eat at him and so when Jock came to say good bye he felt relieved. Still there was something about that farewell that made him think. It was sort of like Jock hadn’t really wanted to leave, but that somehow he had sensed Paul’s reluctance to have him stay.

Funny how he kept having these thoughts about Jock. Granting Jock the ability to have read his mind or know how he was feeling was just bizarre if not downright wishful thinking. How could any man know what he was feeling in such a short time, yet he felt that Jock had. He couldn’t shake that notion and so far the evening had proven to be what he had expected.

Mark had been in rare form, more than likely from some pills he had popped before arriving. Yet there was something about Mark that made Paul wonder if he really knew him. It wasn’t anything specific, just the way he looked or glanced at him now & then. At times Mark Thayer could prove to be most astute but it was a rare occurrence or so Paul thought. Still there was no denying that throughout the evening he would find Mark staring over at him. It was like he knew but how could he? It wasn’t like he was carrying a sign and he had stayed out of the way once the so called guests began arriving.

Looking at the room he felt a bit disgusted. It hadn’t taken long before many of the so called friends were shucking their shirts and while he enjoyed staring at those flat stomachs and bare chests of men in their pride, they just didn’t seem to do much for him in a physical way. It was as if he was merely watching some odd television show or something. It seemed all so pointless to him as he saw men in their prime strutting around with drinks in hand and cigarettes dangling from their mouths as they tried to move in on one or another.

It was a part of gay life that he never quite grew accustomed to. How could anyone parade around in bikini briefs in front of perfect strangers like some of them did? He just couldn’t accept that but then he was smart enough to realize that it also didn’t necessarily define who they were. It was all an act, a show of what he supposed they felt was needed. Maybe it was even a release from the restrictions placed on them by a homophobic society but he cursed himself as his mind tried to make sense out of the blatant exhibitionism.

What did it matter really to him? As long as Jock wasn’t one of them he didn’t really care and from what he had seen, he knew that Jock wasn’t one of them. He doubted very much if Jock would even be the type who would undress in the bright glare of a bedroom light never mind in the full glare and gaze of strangers.

It was a strange scenario really as he stood there thinking about it all. There were some pretty good looking young men, some older some younger than Jock and yet to his minds eye they were no where near the handsome figure that Jock was, fully clothed too. It amazed him that he could feel so calculating about seeing nearly naked men parading around without even a small twinge in his groin, yet the mere thought of seeing Jock would give him a hard on that actually hurt.

Paul knew he loved sex, enjoyed it still despite his 61 years of age and if anything, his European trip showed him that he could still hold his own in that department. Yet knowing it didn’t really seem all that important to him. It wasn’t that he found men less attractive because they had a hard stomach or firm nipples. It didn’t seem to matter too much that they had a cut or uncut penis, or whether it was long or thick or whatever. None of that seemed to really weigh in anymore and even his dreams about Jock didn’t seem to dwell on how well he might or might not be endowed.

He sighed, recalling that smile, the way the rich dark chocolate eyes would shimmer when something pleased him. That is what turned his head, that is what made his heart skip a beat or two. Then too there was the look, the way the head would tilt as he read the spine of a book or how his face would light up and just radiate that made Paul’s heart freeze in utter fascination. All of that made up his dreams, his thoughts of Jock and yet he had spent no more than a few hours in the man’s company. Either he was getting senile or perhaps there really was such a thing as fate, as kismet.

In many ways he found himself comparing Jock to Jason. Both of them had their first names starting with the letter ‘J’ but the similarities seemed to end there. Jason was by far more outgoing than Jock seemed to be. As well he knew that Jason was much more comfortable in being gay than Jock. Perhaps it was that which attracted him to Jock? Jason had been shorter but then he had that same look didn’t he? He had seen flashes of it during his brief time talking to Jock, the way the whole body could suddenly become animated as something caught his fancy or drove his passion. Jason had been like that, a fireball in every sense of the word really.

Strange, he had always been the shy one between the two of them. It had been Jason who had really pursued him in a fashion and when they fought, it hadn’t been about him not standing up. Yet here he was now finding himself drawn to another who felt the shame and guilt of being gay. Paul knew that for the most part he was over his own sense of shame, his own sense of guilt at being so different than the rest of society but there were still remnants left to haunt him. It had happened on his trip and he had faced coming up to Arnold with a lot of trepidation, still he had come here, hadn’t he? So maybe there was hope for Jock too?

A sip of his wine brought him back to the present. His eyes once more moved across the room and he felt a sense of loneliness that he hadn’t really noticed before. He wondered what Jock would be doing now, hell he had been tempted to suggest that Jock call to say he had gotten back to the city safe. Like he was some mother hen or something but somehow it bothered him that he wouldn’t know.

Not really your style is it Paul?

Paul turned to see Mark Thayer standing near him and he wondered how he had missed seeing him coming up. He felt a bit badly because he had deliberately been avoiding engaging in any conversation with Mark since his arrival. It wasn’t that he was angry at him, just that he didn’t want to risk blurting anything out.

No, but you have always known that.

Yeah, suppose so. Guess intimate dinner parties and a seat at the theatre are more your style.

Yes it is, they can be entertaining you know, they aren’t as dull or boring as you make it sound.

No, I guess, but then that just isn’t me, now is it?

He really didn’t feel like discussing this with Mark. Yet there was a strange lilt to Mark’s voice as he had spoken. It was almost wistful in some ways but then more than likely it was simply Mark taunting. He did enjoy doing that at times and he really didn’t feel like getting into it with him. Why couldn’t he just go and enjoy his party instead of having to come and torment him?

That’s for certain. And what happens when you can no longer attract or participate in this type of entertainment, Mark? What then?

I couldn’t say Paul, doubt even if I’ll ever reach the age when that will be something I’ll have to even think about.

Typical Mark he thought. He never really did look beyond the latest fling or next party. All he ever really cared about was who was hot and who could he bed that night. In some ways Mark could pass as the model for that Brian character in Queer As Folk, but then even that character had some redeeming qualities. For the life him, right now Paul just couldn’t think of anything redeeming about Mark’s lifestyle.

It irritated him that here was Mark, with basically it all. He had a good job, made good money and more than that, he had his youth. He had what Paul wished he had in some ways. The self confidence to go out and meet new people and engage them. Mark was a charmer something Paul knew he wasn’t. Still it pissed him off that a guy like Mark could attract someone like Jock and not even realize how much it meant. God he would give anything to be able to reach out to someone like Jock. Mark on the other hand treated it so casually that it really got Paul’s dander up. Now here he was trying to play the poor downtrodden misunderstood queer. God it was enough to make a person puke.

Oh come on, you are healthy, young, what makes you think you won’t reach old age? Eventually we all have to grow up Mark, even you.

It’s not in the genes Paul, you know that. Still it is something I do think about on rare occasions, but what’s the use? Life is what it is, and I merely want to enjoy it now, later, well later can take care of itself then, if and when.

You still on that kick are you?

Kick? No Paul, I know you think of me as being shallow but this isn’t a kick, its being realistic. My family never lives to ripe old ages, for generations now, why should I be any different?

It wasn’t a conversation that was new to Paul yet the way Mark spoke was different than he had ever recalled before. There was a sense of finality about it that troubled him in a strange way. For the most part Mark was right, he did think of him as being a bit shallow, hell a lot actually but then he chalked it up to Mark simply being immature for his age. He never really did give him much credit for having any sense of values or responsibility. It was kind of a shock to think that perhaps there was something after all to Mark Thayer.

I don’t know, seems all a bit fatalistic to me.

You know in your own way you are an eternal optimist Paul, guess its one reason why I like you.

Oh? Is that the reason, and here I thought it was simply you taking pity on an old bald man.

You always were self depreciating Paul, it used to tick me off no end. You just don’t see yourself the way others do, or maybe you just don’t let yourself. You know, you don’t have to be alone all the time, there are nice guys out there.

Paul felt strangely uneasy about how the conversation was going. This wasn’t the Mark Thayer he was used to and yet in all the years that they had known each other, you could count on one hand the serious discussions. To be having such a talk in the middle of one of Mark’s orgies was to say the least, unusual.

It also was unusual and even bizarre for Mark to be so blunt so early. Mark did enjoy getting his digs in but they were usually veiled ones, never quite so blunt. One thing about Mark was he knew how to twist a person’s tail without really getting them too pissed off. He never risked that especially if he felt that person could be of use to him. For him to be this way now was different, it put him at risk, it made him vulnerable and that just wasn’t Mark’s style.

If he had known one thing about Mark it was his innate ability to cover his own ass. He never let himself become vulnerable to attack. Mark was the party boy, the one who always had a good time so this was out of character for him. Maybe he had indeed taken a new drug or something? Paul felt apprehensive as he tried to figure out just what was Mark’s game.

Now you are a councillor on relations? When did you change jobs to being a matchmaker?

Yeah I know, I come across as a whore, maybe in some ways I am. I enjoy random sex, I enjoy the carefree life free of any commitment or so I tell myself, but you are in some ways just as bad. You stand back and refuse to join in the party, so really aren’t you and me really the same?

The notion that he and Mark were the same was not only repugnant to him but it was insulting. His face grew taut and his voice became chilled as he stared blankly at Mark Thayer. For whatever reason he felt that Mark was trying to goad him, and for a brief moment he felt like just smashing his fist into Mark’s face. How dare he compare him to himself? Mark was right, he was a whore and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to commit, it was simply he didn’t know how and even if he did know how he wasn’t interested in it because it would mean having to do something that Mark Thayer never could do. It would mean sharing, it would mean letting someone else be the top dog. Mark would never do that, it just wasn’t in him.

The same? Come on, how can we be similar?

Easy Paul, at the end of the night we still wind up being alone.

Paul felt the blood draining from his face. His cheeks were drawn but Mark’s word stung deeply. He felt like retaliating in some childish fashion. How dare this self proclaimed whore even think they could be the same, have the same motives? It was not only rude but inconsiderate. He regretted ever agreeing to having this party even more so now and yet even as his anger seemed to almost burst free, he had to admit deep down that part of what he had said was true. He did wind up alone most nights, but it was different than Mark.

Okay, he didn’t go out all that much and coming home alone wasn’t because he was picky or too choosey either. He wanted to come home to someone, but it had to be to someone that he cared for, someone that cared back. Mark on the other hand wasn’t interested in that. Instead he was only interested in how good the fuck was, how good the guy could suck him off and please his physical needs. That type of desire, of need would never last and in his opinion could never be the basis for a long term relationship.

So how could he be the same? Okay yes he and Mark perhaps did share the final result, that they both ended up alone, but it was for different reasons. Surely that had to count for something, but then did it? Final analysis was the same in that they did both wind up alone. The realization of that cooled some of his outrage as he stared closer at Mark.

And that bothers you? You are surprising me Mark, I always thought you wanted to be alone, to have no attachments.

Paul noticed the distant look deep down into Mark’s dark green eyes. He had never noticed how the colours changed as you stared at them and yet Mark seemed to be off somewhere else, almost as if he was having this conversation with himself instead of with Paul. It felt very strange really because to him Mark was simply a kid who had yet to grow up. To find out that there was more to the man than his insatiable need to screw every stud under 35 was disconcerting. Yet as Mark stared back at him, Paul could see that somehow his remarks had struck a nerve. He actually thought he saw Mark feel sadden by his comment which wasn’t what one expected from Mark Thayer.

Yes well you of all people should know that looks can be deceiving… I suppose though its fair to say that’s how I want people to think of me, after all it is my image isn’t it?

Yes it is…

Yes… but I always thought you were smarter than that Paul, I thought you could see beyond the image, the persona…

He was suddenly feeling very confused by the turn of events. Was this really Mark Thayer? When did he become so deep, so filled with a greater sense of understanding than anyone could have ever imagined? It just didn’t fit and he had known Mark for some time now. This was new or was it? Paul couldn’t be sure but at the back of his mind he wondered why had he ever stuck with Mark as a friend? Had he somehow seen something but failed to recognize it or had it been wishful thinking?

At times… I mean…

It is okay Paul. I am good at what I do, whether its selling new found millionaires their dream homes or confounding & confusing my friends. I am good at it, but you are right to a point. I don’t want attachments but not for the reason you and everyone else thinks.

Well, yes you are good at what you do Mark, but why hide the real you? And as for why you don’t want attachments, well you do tend to make it rather clear, don’t see how anyone could mistake that.

Mistake it? No, if all you are interested in is a reason that fits your judgement of me and my life. Funny isn’t it Paul? I mean you are the one who has spent a lifetime having a love affair with a piece of paper that supposedly guides our whole country & yet you can’t see beyond the words, just as you can’t see beyond my actions.

Paul stared at Mark with a quizzical look. It had taken him completely by surprise this entire conversation. Yes he didn’t look beyond Mark’s actions, and for a second or two he felt like replying that actions spoke louder than words but there was something in Mark’s tone that made him bite back the angry retort. He wasn’t sure what it was, but somehow he felt on the defensive, as if all he had thought was being assailed. Mark’s reference to the constitution was a prime one, designed to hit him where it hurt and yet in some ways it made sense too. After all, interpreting that relatively small piece of paper was a lifetime vocation for many people over the last 200 odd years. Still it rankled that somehow he had missed something in Mark, and worse that Mark had fully expected him not to have missed it.

Look Mark, let’s not get into a fight tonight, this is your party and…

I suppose, but just for the record, you are wrong about me Paul, I avoid attachments not because I can’t share or can’t be second banana, I avoid them for the same reasons you do. As hard as that is for you to believe, but come on, admit it, that’s what you think of me, that I am just too shallow to play second fiddle, isn’t it?

Okay, since you ask, yes it is how I feel. I mean that is how you act, that is what you have stated so many times that it is like a mantra really.

Funny, it is a mantra, a way of keeping everyone clear, but I thought you could see beyond that. Bet you never knew I had a secret crush for you either.

At first he thought Mark was simply having him on. That whatever drugs he had been doing had made him melancholy or something but the more Mark spoke, the more he began to doubt that. Could Mark be right, could it really be that he missed seeing the real person beneath the façade? After all he was supposed to be astute, well learned in things like intent and all, so how could he of all people have missed all this? It just didn’t seem possible but yet with each word spoken by Mark the doubt only grew inside of him.

It was preposterous for him to really believe that Mark could ever find him attractive or desirable. Hell he was old enough to be his father, so this was just plain nonsense, or was it? Was Mark serious? The look in his eyes said he was but Paul’s mind couldn’t accept it. It had to be just one more devious trick of Marks to try and finagle some cash or favour out of him. That would be more in keeping with the Mark Thayer that he had come to know.

Oh come on, me? Why would the great sex god Mark Thayer have a crush on someone like me? Good lord I am at least 20 years your senior…

So? Since when did age really make a difference in the world of romance Paul? You are the supposed expert there, so you enlighten me… does age matter?

It can, I suppose… but… what is this? I mean why are you looking for a fight with me? You still pissed because my lawyer negotiated on the commission?

No, not at all but I suppose you won’t believe that anymore than you’ll believe I did have a crush on you or that I really would rather have someone steady in my life.

It was incredulous really. How dare Mark call him on this sort of stuff? Mark had never shown any indication that he liked Paul in anyway other than as someone to con into paying for a night out. How could Mark expect him to believe such an obvious bunch of malarkey? No there had to be some ulterior motive to all this bashing and frankly he was getting tired of it. He just wished that he could walk away but this was his house, and walking away wasn’t exactly practical.

Yet even his anger at being called to task on this wasn’t quite enough to stop him from wondering if part of what Mark was saying could be true. After all he did wonder at times why Mark did want him around. They had shared moments together without a group around. They had gone to dinners together or with Tommy, and to be honest they hadn’t been such bad times either. In fact if he was truly honest he had enjoyed himself. Mark could be rather charming when he wanted to be, so why all this now? Could he really be telling the truth or was there some devious plan behind this? Did he want Paul to feel guilty for not doing more for him? Or was it that Mark knew about the gift he had given Tommy? Could that be behind this talk of having a crush on him, of wanting a relationship?

As much as his heart wanted to believe Mark, somehow his mind wouldn’t let him. There were too many instances of Mark’s immaturity or shallowness to let him easily accept all this talk about him and Mark being similar.

You? With someone steady in your life? You are right, I don’t buy that.

I know.

Paul had expected something else, yet the two words spoken with such sadness, such obvious sorrow made him wince. It wasn’t like Mark to feel sorry for himself and yet looking at him, he could see that it did.

Why? Why should I? I mean come on Mark, why if that is what you really want do you do everything possible to keep that type or person away? You push them out of your life so fast their heads swim… so if you really mean that… then…

Then why? I told you why, my history Paul. No one, I mean no one in my family has lived beyond 62 years of age… and that’s going back several generations… so no, why should I ask anyone to sign up for a life with me when that life is so short? How can I ask anyone to fall for me, to make me the centre of their life when it won’t last more than a decade or two at best?

Come on… that’s not so. How do you… I mean…

You know my family, no one has lived beyond 63, and in fact most never made it much beyond 55, that means I may have less than 20 years to go, so is that fair? Would you ask someone to be a part of your life if you knew with relative certainty that in less than 20 years you would be dead? Would you Paul?

No, perhaps not, but Mark you don’t know that, I mean it isn’t 100% certain. Granted, it doesn’t look great but still…

Still I should take that risk? Fine if it only affected me, but what about that special person Paul? I see how you are, how come at age 61 you aren’t out there looking for your Mr. Right?

That’s different, I am 61 not 39.

True and less than 3 of my family ever reached 60 never mind 61.

Mark… I never… I mean..

Told you Paul, we are very much alike. You and I, we both don’t really want that special one..

It felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. Mark really was serious about all this and worse, he was right too about him. He didn’t go out searching for his special one for that very reason. He had lived long after Jason had passed away and he hated the feeling. The regrets that filled his thoughts when he tried not to let them, the pain that would attack him when he least expected. Yes, Mark was right he didn’t get up off that beach to go chase Jock because deep down he didn’t believe he had anything to offer him.

How could he go chasing someone like Jock when his time on this planet was indeed short? How could he expect to leave someone alone after only just getting to know them, just beginning to feel the love strengthen? No Mark was right on that score, he didn’t go chasing because he couldn’t bring himself to hurt them. How could he love someone and then knowingly cause them such pain in such a short span of time?

You are forgetting Jason.

No, I am not, you are though. From all accounts he is a perfect example of what I am saying. Look at you, how many years has it been Paul? Fifteen or twenty? So no, I am not forgetting Jason, I am remembering him which is why all this. I don’t want someone I care about to go through the rest of their life missing me like you miss him.

He had to say that Mark was being persistent. There was no denying that for whatever reason he was risking a lot by saying all this. He had to know that Paul wasn’t thrilled with him so to pursue this was almost, well almost like a final throw of the dice. What was the saying? Oh right, there is nothing so free as one who has nothing left to lose. Mark was acting like he had lost it all and for the life of him, Paul couldn’t understand why.

Twenty but that is different. I live a good life, I have my interests. It isn’t like I am holed up in my apartment or something.

No? Let me see, you move way out here after winning a fortune, if that isn’t hiding out by yourself, what is? Think about it Paul, when you didn’t have the money what did you do? You went out for the occasional dinner or show, the odd concert maybe but for the most part you stayed home and read a book or watched a movie. You know, you and Jock should get together, he’s so much like you its scary really.

It was unreasonable to feel this way but Paul felt like he wanted to throttle Mark. To bring Jock up was like placing the red flag in front of the bull and Paul was in no mood to dance around now. He felt like simply charging in. He couldn’t explain the overwhelming urge to rush to Jock’s defence when really, he knew little about him.

Okay the guy liked books, was enamoured by them it seemed in the same way that he was. How could that be so wrong and why should Mark be trying to make out like it was wrong to enjoy solitude with a good book for company? Not everyone was out to suck dick or screw. Maybe the real problem was Mark wasn’t getting what he wanted.

Perhaps Mark felt like Jock wasn’t complying like one of his loyal subjects. Whatever the reason Paul felt strangely protective of the young man. Even if the guy hadn’t haunted his dreams for almost a year, it wasn’t fair or right of Mark to try and judge him that way. Jock was obviously coming off a terrible divorce. How would anyone react under that kind of stress and now possibly losing his job in his chosen profession? Damn, why couldn’t Mark show some damn compassion instead it was always about him, about his needs or wants. He just didn’t understand that people like Jock were special. They needed nurturing not bullying.

Jock? Come on, he’s young, he goes out I am sure, after all he is with you. How can you say that about him? Hell if he was my friend I’d sure as hell not treat him like some errand boy. Besides I moved up here to relax, to enjoy nature and the peace it gives me. It doesn’t mean I won’t be going to the city or wherever.

No, you and Jock are the same. He’s just a younger version of you Paul. As much as you might not like to hear it, you are old and what’s worse Paul, you act like it. And before you get all huffy, I mean it in the way that you act it. I don’t care if you are 61 or 81 really, because for all the time I have known you, you have always acted like a man nearing his 100^th birthday. You just don’t go out and have fun.

You make it hard for someone to like you Mark, that isn’t a nice think to say.

So shoot me Paul, but you know in your heart it’s the truth.

I don’t act old, I act my age.

Bullshit, you act old, like all you are doing is marking time.

Just because my interests aren’t yours, simply because I might enjoy reading a book more than I do running around half naked with a bunch of drugged out sluts doesn’t make me old or mean I am merely marking time.

No, true it doesn’t but when reading that good book isn’t for the entertainment value but is more of a retreat from what is out there, more of an excuse for not being out there then yeah, its just marking time.

I don’t do that.

No? Then tell me something.

What?

Why did you let him go?

Let him go? Who? What are you talking about?

Jock.

He didn’t know what to say to that and Mark knew it. He just stared at Paul for a minute or two then turned and headed back to the milling group of naked and near naked studs that were laying about on the hardwood floors. Paul just watched as Mark moved over to where two young blondes where caressing each other. Paul just stood there watching as Mark began to massage one’s inner thigh, his hands moving but as he watched him, Paul could see that it was all reflex. There was nothing sensual or even emotional about it. It was just mechanical in nature.

Paul didn’t know how long he stood there watching Mark work on first one then the other but as he stared out at him, he felt strangely saddened. It made sense, too much sense really and as much as he wanted to believe that Mark’s attacks were nothing but a ploy, he couldn’t shake the feeling that what Mark had told him had been real, had been the truth.

As he saw Mark finally wiggling out of his pants he headed off to the library. He had seen enough naked groping men for one night and thankfully they’d all be gone by mid afternoon. He’d more than likely have to spend the rest of the day and next cleaning but at least it would be over. He doubted if he’d see Mark anytime soon but as he thought that, he felt sad.

Closing the library door on the club music echoing from his living room Paul stared around the large cavernous room. He knew it would look better once he added more books to the shelves, but he was in no rush. His eyes moved over to where Jock had stood, and he could see him holding the book. The look of pure joy etched across his face was something that lifted his heart up. Still, the idea that at the end of it all, Mark had been right. Jock was back at his place and he was here, alone again just as Mark said.

As much as he wanted to just forget all that Mark had said, he couldn’t. Every time he tried to think back to how good the afternoon had felt, there would come Mark’s accusations, his tone, his inflection, his damn sorrowful green eyes. Paul walked aimlessly around the room, his hand brushing up against some of the books, trying to gain the comfort they always had given him but for some reason, this time it failed to move him. The mere touch of his favourite books in leather didn’t even stop the torrent of self doubts that kept assailing his aching spirits.

Finally he moved towards the chairs and sat down. He stared at the empty fireplace and wondered what it would feel like to have someone next to him, to be able to turn and stare at the bent head of another person reading. Of course he wished it would be Jock, but now there was also the image of Mark. He knew that would never work out, but it felt rather awkward to even think that Mark had thought of him that way.

How could he have missed all that? It burned inside him as he tried to figure out if Mark was merely trying to weasel something or if he was sincere, a word one rarely associated with Mark Thayer. Still, in his heart he knew that Mark wasn’t a bad person. Even Jock had alluded to how Mark had literally saved his ass, which still intrigued his thoughts. Then too there was the simple fact that Mark wanted Jock, and to Paul’s surprise he hadn’t had him, least not fully or in the complete sense of the meaning. That too was something he needed to think about as the night wore on.

Sitting there, he felt strangely apprehensive. It was as if somehow he was being confronted with a major problem or decision really. He hadn’t liked what Mark had said but to be fair, a lot of it was true. He didn’t go out and seek someone for fear of leaving them, and he was certain that had been part of the reason for his inertia when he first spotted Jock. Trouble was, in being honest with himself, it was only one reason but not the whole reason. Damn Mark he thought, because now he would most certainly lay tossing and turning trying to figure this all out. Why couldn’t he have kept to form? Why did he have to spring this on him now?

He turned to look at the picture over on the mantle. If only Jason hadn’t left, if only…

Story – The Lottery (4)

The Lottery

Part 4

He sat back in the chair and felt totally full. Jock had prepared a nice light meal that had surprised him really. There was no mistaking that the guy could cook which made Paul wondered just what was Jock’s vocation? The way he had moved around the kitchen showed a sense of familiarity that only a cook or chef could have.

Paul enjoyed good food and cooking. It was one of his hobbies and he had to admit, the way Jock sliced the veggies up, cut up the various food he knew how to cook as if he was a professional. Yet he was tentative in asking him. The curiosity was eating at him but he sensed the unease still in Jock. The last thing he wanted to do was make Jock feel any more uncomfortable than he already felt.

Just handing him the cheque for the food had made him curse Mark a few extra times in his mind. There was no mistaking the relief that Jock felt at having the money but there also was a sort of embarrassment that piqued his interest. Surely if the guy was a profession cook, he could make a decent wage but something about the man told Paul that Jock wasn’t working as a chef or cook.

They hadn’t talked much really during the lunch which wasn’t as awkward as it maybe sounded. Both of them it seemed weren’t much for talking while food was on the table. For Paul it was something he had learned from his childhood and he expected the same was true for Jock. It didn’t even feel strange to have him there and he kept telling himself that he could easily get used to this type of arrangement. The only real question was would Jock feel that way?

Paul had to admit, the idea of him and Jock was growing on him. Still there was the age difference. It had to be at least 30 years he figured, but maybe as friends it could work out? Okay, other than Tommy he really didn’t have any friends who were close to him in age or thinking. At least with Tommy they could share things that most men Jock’s age couldn’t even consider. Maybe he was just over reacting to finally meeting Jock or maybe it was something else? Whatever the reason he wished he could just come out and ask him but as much as his heart seemed to be pushing for it, his mind still held the final word.

Jock had insisted on cleaning up even though there was a dishwasher. Paul acquiesced as he didn’t want to tarnish the man’s enthusiasm. As well it gave him an opportunity to study the man who had haunted his dreams for such a long time and with such intensity. So far he had to admit that the reality of meeting Jock had been more than he had hoped for. In some ways it was exactly as how he had thought it would be, and he shivered a bit at that notion.

Hell the lunch had been exactly how he had dreamed it would be. That in itself frightened him because how could he have dreamed it so perfectly? How could reality be just as his fantasy was? Could be too that his memory was playing tricks on him and just letting reality fill in the missing blanks from his dreams but it all felt right. There was no mistaking how good it felt to just be in the same room as Jock, never mind sitting at the table sharing a meal.

That was a good meal you put together…

Thanks, kind of easy really, you had everything.

Somehow I think there was a bit more to it. You took classes?

He didn’t know why but it felt rather special that Paul had enjoyed the meal. It hadn’t been anything difficult but he had taken his time, trying to make it simple & yet enjoyable. To know that it was appreciated gave him a nice glow, something he hadn’t really felt in a very long time.

Classes? Cooking… yeah, finished last year.

So you are a chef then?

No, not really. I suppose if I wanted to pursue it I could, which I might.

I don’t… I mean I know its none of my business but…

No that’s okay. I worked in a restaurant while going for my teaching degree. I enjoyed it and thought after I got my degree I’d take night classes in cooking, that’s all.

Oh, I see, so you are a teacher then? What grade?

I teach High School, or I did, I don’t know, guess I’ll find out.

The way Jock’s face suddenly grew taut made him wince inside actually. He hated it when he saw the flash of pain crossing Jock’s brown eyes. They looked so dark & rich and yet every now & then Paul could see those flashes of pain. It was almost as if the man was desperately trying not to cry even when there was nothing obviously wrong. It was, well it was like he had a deep hurt that kept trying to surface. He knew that feeling well, he had it so many times himself ever since Jason had died. It was the pain of regret.

I don’t, I mean…

They let me go where I have been teaching, High School English actually.

Let you go? I thought teachers were in demand in the city?

Yeah well, my uh, my situation kind of made me expendable I suppose.

It was the way he said it that made Paul’s heart ache. He felt the sweat on the palms of his hands as he knew instinctively what Jock had meant. There was no denying the man’s deep pain or shame either. God how he hated the way some people were towards those who were different. He had been on the receiving end too many times himself, it just never really did go away. As he felt Jock’s pain he also felt his own pain even though it had long since passed. He shook his head as he thought how he would just like to have the nerve to reach out and gather the man in his arms, to just hold him and tell him it was okay. It was his wish but his hands remained at his side as he too looked away, feeling the pain only growing more intense.

I am sorry to hear that, bet you are a good teacher, kids like you?

I suppose, not easy to tell these days, but I did enjoy it, least I thought I did. It is like, well like you have these kids, and you can sometimes feel like if you could just say the right thing, explain something just the right way that you might cause a spark or something. I guess I am just a romantic or idealistic, but teaching was something I really wanted to do.

Paul had watched Jock’s face closely as he had spoke. In some ways it was almost as if the man was off somewhere, like he was on a different plane or level as he talked about teaching and what it meant to him. In many ways Paul could relate to it, after all it was how he had felt so many years ago himself.

As he thought about it he realized that really it wasn’t all that long ago. Maybe just a few years even and he wondered what had happened to make him change? Why had he become so disillusioned when his entire life had been driven by the passion to impart wisdom, to pass on his own deep love for something as basic as a collection of words? He shook his head a little as his eyes misted over for the lost passion he once had.

I know that feeling, it is a sign of the times I guess, I don’t know, yet when you do find one of those special ones, you know, the kind who suddenly opens their eyes and you can just see their mind glowing as you speak. Then it seems to make it all worthwhile, but, they are becoming far and few between.

Sounds like you were a teacher…

I was, taught law at Stanford back in the city.

There had been a strange feeling of embarrassment as he had spoke about teaching and yet now he turned his head sideways to get a better look at Paul. There was something different about him from all the other gay men he had met. There was a spark in Paul’s eyes when he had spoke about seeing kids wake up to the beauty of what he had been teaching. He knew that feeling himself though he had to admit it was becoming harder to find, still it was amazing that someone else could feel it like he had.

There was more to in how Paul seemed to accept him as an equal. Here he was a professor of law and yet it was like talking to any other teacher fresh from college. It felt strange because he had never really expressed himself like this before, least not so easily. Oh he had tried once or twice but had gotten such distant & strange looks that for the most part he kept his idealism hidden. It felt strangely comforting to know that there were others who shared the same exhilarations as he once had.

Law? Wow, I never would have… so you gave up because of the money?

Well, partly, I was considering early retirement before, but then the budget cuts were coming again, so this time I figured why hang on when I don’t need to, the thrill had more or less gone for me.

I hate that feeling.

Yeah, it sort of taints everything. Uh, you going to try for another teaching job?

I don’t know. My situation, it kind of…

Jock’s voice had trailed off and Paul could see the pain clearly now in the eyes and face. It was the look he recognized from seeing him walking along the beach last summer. He knew it himself and he felt his own pain suddenly mingling with Jocks as he spoke softly, his heart beating just a bit faster as he tried to impart some comfort, some sense of it being okay.

Want to tell me about it?

He didn’t know why but he didn’t feel so bad in thinking of explaining it to Paul. There was a comfort zone that just seemed to magically appear between them. He sighed a little wishing he could just sit down and never leave this place. It felt so calming, almost as if the weight of the world was barred from entry by the huge wooden front doors of the house.

Nothing much to say really. I am your typical gay I guess, I tried to deny what I wanted, went so far as to get a girl pregnant, married her and then she, well she found out.

Kids?

Yeah, two, one 12 the other 14 and yet as much as I miss them, I have more or less got used to the notion that they don’t want me in their lives. Guess at that age I can’t says as I blame them.

Paul saw a small tear at one corner of Jock’s brown eyes. He felt the pain in each word spoken as he saw the hurt, the shame all welling up. It was something many anti gay people never realized, that being gay didn’t mean you were devoid of the same desire of family that non gays had. He knew it was a sad thought to know you could never have children or that if you did that most likely it meant you had to keep who you were secret. Very few were ever able to manage that deception for a lifetime, then the pain, the hurt, the recriminations were ten fold worse.

He felt the pain as it seemed to just rip through Jock’s body. The small tremor that made the cheek quiver a little as the young man struggled with the emotions that tore at his heart. You could see the love inside of him for his children but you also could see his own self recrimination. No matter what anyone else might say or do to him, there was no mistaking that it would never equal Jock’s own feelings of regret.

Mother not very supportive of having you in their lives?

That’s an understatement. It is like she is suddenly the leader of the anti gay movement or something. She’s made this last year pure hell, but, well, in some ways I can’t blame her.

In some small way it was like seeing a door open as he stared at Jock. He could see the inner struggle going on as the man tried to make sense of all that had happened to him. He could see how Jock felt like he had somehow betrayed his family and yet at the same time knew he couldn’t deny who he was. There was some small relief too but as Paul watched Jock’s face he could also see the self recriminations almost consuming him. In some ways he knew it was no different than his own feelings.

Oh come on Jock, how can you be so forgiving?

I lied to her, its not something I am proud of Paul, but I did. I deceived her for 15 years, and well, isn’t that enough?

I don’t know, sure it can make a person upset, angry even but I don’t think you are the type who lied simply to get a piece of tail or for anything like that. Surely that has to count and even if not, it just isn’t grounds for vindictiveness, least not in my books.

Thanks, I mean… I don’t know. I guess I am still in some way not, well not comfortable with how I feel about all this. It sure pisses Mark off.

Lots of things piss Mark off, I wouldn’t let it get to you.

I try not to, just that, well… it isn’t easy. He certainly isn’t the most sympathetic of guys, still he did more or less save my ass, literally.

Paul’s eyebrows arched up at that confession and he wondered what it was that Mark had done to elicit such devotion really. He could see the distaste in Jock’s eyes for something but what he just couldn’t piece together. Still it was intriguing and he wished he could just come out and ask, but he didn’t want to seem like he was prying. Still he had to admit it through him into a swirling whirl of thoughts that weren’t exactly comforting.

He just couldn’t seem to shake the notion that Jock was special. His whole image of him had been built up on simply observing him walk along a sandy beach and yet here he was, in the flesh. Nothing he had done had altered his fantasy about who Jock was & yet in some ways it felt even more intense, more akin to what he had always dreamed of.

Oh? Mark can be sweet at times, he does have his moments of doing the right thing, but for the most part Mark is guided by his dick more than his heart, and if not his dick then he’s listening to the calculator he calls his brain.

You sure do know him well.

I suppose, I have known Mark for many years and seen him in action more times than I care to recall I guess, but all in all he isn’t a bad type. Don’t get me wrong, just his values aren’t mine is all. Look, how about I show you around the place? You can be my first real visitor to see the place.

Really? I mean I’d have thought… uh sorry, that isn’t sounding right.

That’s okay, remember I am the guy on the beach Jock, I read while the others play, I am not the social animal, never have been, guess its because I am dull and I accept that.

Dull? I don’t think so.

Nice of you to say but once you get to know me you’ll see.

No, I don’t know why, but I don’t think I’d ever find you dull, I doubt that, uh, well…

Doubt what? That you’ll get to know me?

No… no not that, I’d like to get… I mean, I’d not think you were dull… shit.

It’s okay, I think I know what you mean to say.

I am sorry…

Jock, you don’t have to apologize.

I know, it is just, damn, I am not good with people on a… on a personal level I suppose. Mark says I am too much of a wimp. Guess he’s right.

No, this time I think Mark is wrong, look, enough of Mark and what he thinks, come on… let me show you around.

Okay… if you sure its not a bother?

No, somehow I doubt if you could ever be a bother.

Jock just looked at Paul with a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in a long time. The more he talked to Paul the more he felt like he was actually at home with his books. It was a strange feeling to have. There was this warmth that he felt coming from Paul that made him feel at ease and yet at the same time made him feel exhilarated. He couldn’t explain it as they walked along the wide corridors of the home to see the renovations.

There wasn’t a lot of furniture in the house just yet but he loved the sound of their shoes on the hardwood floors. He kept stealing glances down at the polished finish and felt a strange warmth. It was almost as if the house breathed because of the wood floors and he felt kind of pleased as Paul explained how he had ripped up the carpets. It gave him a new sense of admiration for the man which was rather bizarre. It was as if Paul was the hero he had always wanted to have. A man who didn’t do extra ordinary things, but who just did his best. It was refreshing and he felt at ease until they entered the double doors of the library.

Paul felt a rush of pride as he watched the way Jock’s eyes lit up as they entered the library. It was his own pride and joy and watching the pure pleasure cross Jock’s face made him tingle all over. It was so amazing to find someone else who had a love, a sense of passion really, for books that he felt like some schoolboy getting his first ‘A’ on a test. In some strange bizarre way he felt like he had passed the ultimate test and yet he didn’t even know Jock.

He couldn’t help but smile as Jock walked into the large room and stared at the massive shelves. Paul saw how his eyes moved over the empty one’s directly over to the full ones. Paul stood still as Jock walked over to the one wall that held his collection of law books. He saw how the man let his fingers graze over the titles, a twinkle sparkled from the dark eyes as his hands touched the spine of the ancient texts.

There was no mistaking Jock’s love of books as he walked slowly past the shelves, his hands touching a few of the more ancient books. Then he turned and smiled at Paul, telling him he felt like a kid in a candy store. God the way his face had shone as he spoke made Paul’s heart ache with pride & pure pleasure. Then he watched as Jock moved over to the other wall, to stare at Paul’s collection of fiction and works of literature.

The way Jock would top moving, the way his head would tilt to read the title and on one or two occasions the way he would lovingly take a book out and stare at it. His finger would gently caress the cover as he read the title and then replaced the book with a sense of adoration that only Paul thought he had for books. The pleasure he was feeling was almost beyond belief and for a moment or two Paul thought that he had to be dreaming this. No one could have such an affection for books as he did but there it was. He could see it in each movement of Jock’s body, each pause of his hand that showed his deep feelings.

His eyes glittered as he stared at the tall man walking so slowly across the floor. His shoulders were set straight and you could see the joy he was having in just seeing all those neatly lined up novels. Paul had never felt such pride before and he didn’t know what to say as he listened to the brief exclamations that escaped Jock’s lips every now and then. It was indeed like a proud father showing his brood off to strangers. He had this insane urge to tell Jock to pick out a book, to get him to go and sit down in one of the rich deep armchairs he had set up. God how he would fit the chair he thought as he saw Jock picking up a leather jacketed book and turn it over in his hands.

You couldn’t mistake the pleasure he was having and yet there was a sense of panic too. For one brief instant Paul felt like it was a dream, then in a flash he felt guilty too because he had to admit, watching Jock touch his books was making him feel amorous and excited. He could feel the blood rushing to his groin which was strange. Not many men could excite him in such a way & even as the memories of his brief exploits in Europe flashed before him, the feelings he was having now were so much more intense that it made those memories seem like schoolboy affairs.

The pain in his crotch suddenly grew almost unbearable as Jock turned to stare at him. He saw the glimmer of a tear in the man’s eyes as he looked at him. The dark rich brown of his eyes seemed awash in a shimmering glow as the man stared at him with what one could only describe as utter adoration.

It’s a first edition… how did you, I mean, Paul this is fantastic… how can you not want to just live in here? I mean… this is so… so unbelievable, it is… God… All these books, have you read them all? I mean… I…

Paul felt like his breath had been taken away. He had never really seen someone light up so brilliantly as Jock looked right now and all from seeing a collection of books. It was how he himself felt each time he came into this room but to see someone else feel it was stunning. He couldn’t believe his good fortune and yet he felt panic too. He didn’t want the moment to end but he knew it would. Still he couldn’t deny how much joy he was feeling or how much it was exciting him. The rush of blood down to his groin was making him light headed as he stretched his arm out to steady himself against one of the armchairs. For a brief moment he thought he could see himself in one chair, Jock in the other with a roaring fire blazing away in front. Both of them were lost in reading a book and yet he could see him turning now & then to look at Jock. Each time he would there would be Jock doing the same, staring at him.

Pretty much, some I bought in hardcover my copy, but yes, I’ve read most of them.

This is fantastic, God how I envy you…

Envy me?

To have all these… these friends here. It is like… it is just so… so…

The words were like sweet music to his ears and heart but to his mind the fear and doubts came. How could anyone so handsome, so young feel about books like did? It wasn’t possible and had to be a come on. No one Jock’s age could care for books like him. Without blinking he let his mind take control for a moment as he uttered his disgust at people.

Dull?

DULL? No… no never dull, it is perfect. I mean to have all these here, to be able to touch them whenever you want, to pull them out and sit and just enjoy them, to lose yourself in them, its ideal, I really… I am sorry, guess I sound like a real geek, it is just so… so amazing…

The instant he had spoken the word he had regretted it. Now as he stared at Jock he could see the fire inside the man. It had been missing before but now it was like Jock was consumed by the need to prove Paul wrong. He didn’t know what to make of it as he heard his heart admonishing his mind & its thoughtless remarks. Jock cared and he felt it just as he knew the sun would rise tomorrow. It was strange how the battle was suddenly being waged inside of him as he tried to accept the truth of his heart.

You really mean that?

Yes… I know, I sound like an ass, but…

No… I just, well it is how I feel about them too, they are the friends who never let you down, the comfort that is always there.

Jock felt fear rising up inside of him. He had let his guard down and in the past it had always led to pain & grief, yet this time it felt very different. It was as if the older man was more of a soul mate than a stranger. It was like he knew him and yet didn’t. For a brief second or two he had felt anger at Paul for him thinking that he was dull. How could any man who cherished such wonderful gifts as books be dull? In one moment he had felt like shaking Paul, in telling him how wrong he was and then when Paul explained to him about books, about what they meant he felt like he had come home. It was as if Paul was an older extension of himself. It terrified him as he stood there, the strange breathlessness holding him steady though he could feel the weakness in his legs as he saw the depths of emotions etched across Paul’s face.

Yes… I… I…

I know…

The chimes of the doorbell intruded and startled them both. Paul felt the anger rising up at whoever it was that had interrupted them. In some ways it was almost as if they had been intimate and yet without even touching each other. There was Jock, standing by the dark wooden shelves and he was leaning against one of the rich leather armchairs in what suddenly seemed almost miles away from Jock & yet also right next to the man. He shuddered as he smiled and hurried to find out who had dared interrupt him.

Walking out the opened double doors of the library he felt strangely aroused and he could feel the press of his manhood against the inner thigh as he moved across the hall towards the front door, wishing that whoever it was had never shown up. It was almost as if he was living his dreams the way he felt so completely enamoured by the young man behind him.

He couldn’t understand how someone he didn’t know could make him feel so happy, so content and all they had done was simply talk. It was as if there was a connection beyond words, a connection that he had only wished for last year that was now suddenly very real, very much alive. It scared him too as he glanced back briefly to see Jock staring at the rows of leather bound books on one shelf. It looked so perfect, him standing there with one book in hand and the other hand lightly caressing others.

Paul felt suddenly like he was back in time. It was as if someone had suddenly flicked a switch on inside as he felt the burning fires flickering deep down where his soul lived. It had been a long time since he had felt such warm fuzzy thoughts of passion, of desire. It was as if he was back in high school again as he felt his body picking up the pace to head to the door. In his thoughts he wanted to shoo away whoever was there so he could return to the library, to be with his intended.

Everything about Jock had surprised him and yet hadn’t. It was almost as if he knew him without having to ask. He could see it in his eyes or in how he moved. The way his hand would shake as he came across a particular favourite. Paul had seen the tremor race up and down Jock’s body as he came across the leather bound copies of Dickens and in a flash he knew that Jock loved Dickens. It wasn’t a guess but a certainty that frightened him a little. How could he know someone so completely when he had barely met the person? Yet as much as his mind worried, his heart felt strangely at peace.

The sounds of the door chimes ringing again made him irritated as it took his thoughts away from his idyllic thoughts. There was so much he wanted to say to Jock, so much that he wanted to see and watch that this intrusion was becoming unacceptable. His mind was still thinking of Jock when he opened the door to see two younger men standing there impatiently waiting. Paul recognized the one who was reaching once more for the door bell as he opened the door.

Mark…

Story – The Lottery (3)

The Lottery

Part 3

Paul wheeled the truck into the open parking spot in front of the Big Tree Market. He stared out at the serene scene before him and felt strangely happy. He just sat there watching the few people around walking past. One or two glanced his way and one passer by even waved to him. Strange really how people here seemed a little less aloof than in the city. Hell he had been shopping at the local Safeway in San Francisco for almost 10 years and no one ever called him by his name. Here it had taken less than a week before the clerks were calling him Mr Taylor, another few weeks and it was Paul.

It felt strange at times the way most people seemed to be more relaxed, more sedate really than in the city. There wasn’t the rush or the rudeness either. Didn’t really matter where you went that you didn’t find some small group standing around just talking. Whether it was in the bank or out in the parking lot of the grocery store, people seemed more inclined to stand around and talk. He rarely saw that in the city but he had seen it in Europe. There was an eye opener for him and he still couldn’t believe all the wonders that he had seen.

San Francisco had its old buildings but in Europe he saw buildings that were centuries old, not decades. He saw statues for people that were dead almost 800 or more years and yet despite all the oldness there was something else too. He saw a wariness in many faces and yet also a greater willingness to accept new things. His original plan had to been to travel for 3 months but it had been extended to six months. He still felt uncomfortable with his status in Arnold too.

He had thought no one would know but it had been the talk of the town it seemed once word had gotten out that the gay winner of the lottery was moving to their town. Some people looked at him with that look he was used to but others were just plain curious. Hell you would think he was the only gay in the town and maybe he was, though he rather doubted that. Sure there were maybe only 4000 odd people in the actual town but he couldn’t be the only gay man around. He was certain that the box boy at the market was and there was little doubt in his mind that the young mechanic at Matt’s Garage was ‘family’. Still no one really made a big fuss about it.

Hell the local newspaper, the Sierra Sentinel, hardly even mentioned it in the article they did on him. It still felt kind of weird reading newspaper articles about him. There even had been a blurb in the Advocate just after he had come forward to claim his winnings. Funny how so many had seemed interested in him and while the major publications dealt with his lifestyle the local paper barely touched on it. Instead it dealt more with how his moving here meant that the old ‘Ebbett Homestead’ would finally be restored to its past glory. They seemed more interested in how he was going to update the estate than whether or not he’d have huge gay parties which one paper had dealt exclusively on.

There was no doubt that winning a huge sum of money had brought with it it’s own set of problems. He never knew how popular he was in the San Francisco gay community until after the announcement. Of course by then he had left for his European adventure but Tommy kept him appraised of all that was happening, not to mention his mail.

What surprised him maybe the most was some of the reaction by those who he had been fairly close with. While they all professed their happiness for his good fortune, there was also no mistaking their envy. He expected that but some of them had been downright rude about it. Mark Thayer was a perfect example. Christ for two cents he should have told him to take a hike instead of agreeing to throw this party. Trouble was that he didn’t like making waves so he had given in. Tommy had been pretty pissed about his agreement to throw the party but as he told him, least this way he could keep the peace and avoid a nasty cat fight.

Still the idea of his new home being invaded by 15 or so of Mark’s friends was a bit intimidating. He knew the type of crowd that Mark hung with and for the most part he just didn’t care for them. They seemed consumed by sex, drugs, and booze which was evident by the delivery from the liquor distributor yesterday. Christ he told Mark to keep it to reasonable levels but like everything else about Mark, reasonable was one word that wasn’t in his vocabulary.

The only upside to it all he thought was that once he had this party out of the way he could finally relax and just go about his business. He had no idea yet what he was going to do, but he knew that for him sitting back and enjoying a good book or movie was more in keeping with his tastes. Leaving Stanford had been a bit sad and he wondered really how he would fill his days but so far, knock on wood, he had found himself being well occupied.

What he wouldn’t miss was the politics of the school or the mindless dull blank stares that peered up at him from the lecture room. No more having to tell students that yes the Constitution was old but that it was as relevant today as it had been over 200 years ago. He knew he wouldn’t miss the constant searching for that one spark that would tell him he had gotten through to them. No, leaving had been sad but only because there once had been a time when it had meant something. It was sadness really for a time apparently long since past.

The house he had bought was big but it needed work. It hadn’t been lived in for many years and it had taken a crew almost three weeks to just clean it but then he didn’t really care. He had been in Europe and when Tommy had sent him the picture of the main rooms showing that the floor was actually hardwood he had felt excited. It had always been part of his dream to have a large house with hardwood floor and now surprisingly that was now a reality. Out had gone the old ratty carpet and instead of new carpet as originally planned, he had arranged with a local contractor to restore the old flooring.

Paul smiled at that too, and once more thanked his lucky stars for the common sense of his friend Tommy. It had been his idea that in any restorations of the place that he try to use local talent as much as possible. As Tommy had told him “you might save a few bucks bringing in big city types, but the PR value from using local will help you more than giving the town a million bucks” and so he had agreed. Obviously it had worked. While some still may look at him strangely, most seemed quite happy that he was now a part of their little community.

He had already been approached to participate in the local upcoming 4^th of July celebrations and had even received a welcome basket from the local women’s group. Strange how they all just seemed so more real than those he had met during his decades of living in San Francisco. Even the local garage had acted more like a garage from his youth than what he had been used in the city.

It had been a big step for him, to move from the hustle of San Francisco to Arnold but he felt that it was maybe what he needed. He had seen Europe and given his finances he would certainly travel more but all the travelling had made him realize that basically he just wasn’t a city boy. He liked to just sit back and listen to some classical music playing in the background while reading a good book. It didn’t really matter if the book was some high brow recanting of philosophy or a good science fiction novel. He just loved to read and that was the one major change he had done to his new home.

Paul had turned two of the rooms into one large library. A brand new sound system along with his computer was installed in this room where he had the walls lined with his books. There were quite a few empty shelves but he planned on filling them over time. His big screen television was hooked up to satellite with all the bells and whistles which took up one major portion of a wall, but he barely used it other than to watch his growing DVD collection. Television programs just weren’t entertaining enough for him except perhaps for Everwood, Smallville, One Tree Hill and some of the Science Fiction shows. He would watch Queer As Folk or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy if he wasn’t absorbed in a book, but for the most part, it was his books and music that held the greatest pleasure for him.

The huge fireplace was the centre piece of his library. He had two high backed leather chairs that he had actually found in Angels Camp, not far from Arnold and he had two lamps and end tables on either side. It would be ideal for a couple who enjoyed the same things but in setting it out he had felt that pang of loneliness. He had told himself that it was still possible but he knew inside that he was more or less resigned to being single for his remaining days. The extra chair wasn’t a reminder either but perhaps more of a sob to his romantic hopes.

Even his dreams were easier since he had moved into the old stone house. He still dreamed of ‘him’ but they seemed to be more relaxed, less intense than they had been. The wasteful expenditure of a few thousand dollars on trying to find him had cured him of that perhaps or maybe it was simply the acceptance that he had missed his one chance. Of course the scenery of Europe had helped as had the constant occupation of planning his twilight years had added their own pressures that had on some nights drove ‘him’ totally out of his thoughts. Still though, there were nights when it was all he could think about.

Shaking himself out of his reverie Paul finally made his way into the market. He knew that Mark would be arriving shortly with more supplies and bills of course, but he wanted to try and get as much staples as he could from the local market. A small smile crossed his lips as he headed into the store, knowing that if he was back in SF he would have called, but it was so much more enjoyable to come into town. He had driven in the day before to place the order and now was here to pick it up, even though they had offered to deliver it. Funny but already he was spending more time driving around and meeting people than all those years in SF. It was kind of a nice feeling to actually talk to real people instead of some faceless name on the end of a stupid phone.

He took his time walking through the store, adding a few items for himself and when he was finally ready to settle, he noticed the box boy waiting to help him to the car. God how many times had he gone to Safeway in San Francisco to pick up large orders and virtually have to bribe someone to help him with his order? Here it was almost second nature and besides, the kid was kind of cute though way too young for his tastes.

Smiling at the boy as he paid the bill he thought back to his recent travels and he had to admit, Tommy had been right in suggesting some of the spots for him. Spain had been enjoyable and there had been that one special Spaniard that still gave him a nice warm feeling. The man had to have been in his mid twenties though he said he was 30 but Paul didn’t quite believe it. Still it really didn’t matter and he did have some good memories of him not to mention a few others.

Funny how while he spent six months in Europe and had three trysts while there, that as much as he enjoyed the physical contact, he still could find himself thinking about ‘him’ or about Jason. He had done a lot of that actually, thinking about Jason and how he would have liked this or that or how he would have hated that or this. In some ways it had almost felt as if Jason had been there with him during the trip. He had even found himself turning to comment about something, half expecting Jason to be standing there.

That had scared him a little but then he realized that travelling to Europe had been more of Jason’s dream than his. His dream had been to go anywhere as long as it was with Jason. Whether it was Magic Mountain or the Louvre, he didn’t care as long as it was with Jason. Well he’d never have that dream come true and yet during his entire trip, he felt like it was happening. It was almost as if Jason was there and once he returned back to the United States he felt more at ease, more relaxed.

In some ways it was like he had quietly put to rest some unfinished business. Maybe that was it or maybe it was simply that he no longer had to deal with the world worrying about things like if his 401K would be enough for retirement, or if he would have the proper health insurance in case he got ill. Having money eased those burdens but the trip had done something else for him. It had made him think more about being alone, about being who he was.

Sure Mark Thayer and even others had been astounded at his choice of moving from San Francisco, the Gay Mecca, to some hick town up in the Sierra’s, but Tommy hadn’t. Tommy had somehow known that it was a good place for him, had even told him how it was good to have a nice quiet retreat for when the world intruded. In part Tommy might have been right, because he did plan to travel more, and it would be nice to be able to come back to the solitude of his new home. But he was wrong too because basically it was simply that Paul had made peace with himself. He had come to accept at last that he was a loner and that as much as he would have loved to have someone close, someone like Jason to share this with it wasn’t meant to be.

Driving the Tahoe into his driveway his mind continued to dwell on what could have been. He knew that he had missed his chance with ‘him’ whoever the hell he had been but he no longer beat himself over the head with it. It had happened and maybe if he could ever be lucky enough again he wouldn’t let the opportunity pass him by. Still his heart seemed to not quite accept it but he couldn’t let himself be ruled by his heart. Life just wasn’t that way and he had to accept that he had more than used up his share of luck. Hell he had Jason and while it hadn’t lasted for long, at least it was something to reflect on. Then of course winning the lottery had to have cemented his claim to any luck remaining. No, he was better off accepting what was instead of dreaming or so he thought as he drove up to the front of his house where a rather beaten up old datsun was parked.

A sudden surge of anger rose up inside as he instinctively knew that it would have to be one of Mark’s friends showing up way too early. His eyes saw the tall figure by the front door as he pulled his truck up behind the battered car. He really didn’t appreciate Mark’s friends and right now he just wished he had never agreed to throwing this stupid party as he turned to look at the man at his front door.

In a mere flash of light his heart suddenly began to thunder and he could hear the rush of air in his ears as the blood drained from his upper body. His eyes were watery as he stared at the tall young man. His dirty blond hair hung down to just above his shoulders. His face looked clean shaved and he wore a small jacket with a pair of faded blue jeans. As he stepped out from the overhang, Paul realized that it was ‘him’ and he stood there, his jaw hanging open as the young man stepped forward.

Uh, sorry are you Paul? I didn’t mean to startle you…

The voice was rich and full and yet it wasn’t deep. It had a strange soft quality to it that made Paul feel a bit warm under the collar actually. It was ‘him’ and he felt the shock of being this close to him. The way his eyes seemed to have just a hint of something behind them, yet for the most part they appeared closed off, as if afraid or embarrassed even.

Um, uh, yes, yes I am Paul and…

I know its kind of early, the highway was pretty clear most of the way up…

Paul knew it was too good to be true. His dream man was a friend of Mark’s. Damn it, why couldn’t he be just a lost traveller or something, at least it would have left his dreams intact. Now the thought that he was just one more mindless hard body yuppie made him frown a little. Still he had to know for certain, had to find out if the guy he had obsessed about for almost a year was just one more of those mindless queers that Mark attracted.

Early? Oh you are one of Mark’s friends?

Jock’s head snapped upwards at the way Paul’s voice suddenly grew hard. It was almost as if for some reason the guy was disappointed in him. He had never met him even though there was something familiar about him. It felt kind of weird actually, which was why he didn’t want to show up here. He didn’t think it was right of Mark to have nagged and prodded for this, but then he was just as afraid that Mark would dump him. God he was a mess and this Paul guy seemed to have sensed it. He felt like he had just failed some test that he didn’t even know he had taken.

Well yeah, I guess, uh, he wanted me to bring up some stuff for the party and…

Oh? Well I see, uh, you are? I mean…

Sorry, Guess I should, uh, I am Jock, Jock Reichman.

He couldn’t help staring. The way the man looked down almost as if he was ashamed of his name or as if he had done something wrong. Strange how suddenly the idea of him being a friend to Mark just didn’t seem to really matter. The crestfallen expression was wrenching his heart as he tried to collect himself. All this time and here he was, as if fate had suddenly decided to just drop him on his doorstep.

Nice to uh, nice to meet you Jock.

The way Paul shook his hand was kind of strange just as how he kept stealing side glances at him. He couldn’t shake it from his mind that somehow he knew this Paul guy but he couldn’t place from where. It wasn’t like he moved in the same circles as this guy. Shit if he had all that money he sure wouldn’t want to hang out with some high school teacher. Yet he did sort of associate with Mark so maybe it was with Mark that he had seen him, but then no, he would have known that.

It all felt rather tense to him and he knew he had made a bad impression somehow. For the life of him he didn’t’ know how. While that kind of nagged at him what was worse was that somehow it mattered to him that Paul not have a bad impression of him. For whatever reason, he felt he needed to not let this guy think he was just one of Mark’s flings, even though in all honesty that was exactly what he was.

Uh, look if I came a bad time…

No, that’s okay, sorry, I uh, I wasn’t expecting any of Mark’s guests to show up quite this early.

He didn’t call you?

Who? Mark?

Yeah

No, was he supposed to?

Yes, I mean, well, he had me pick up some food for the party, wanted me to drop it off and… well…

A wave of relief came over him as Jock told him that he was merely making a delivery and not trying to get the party started early. It felt like he was different than Mark’s usual flings too which intrigued him a bit more. Maybe he was jumping to conclusions about him, still though to think that he was willing to drive up from the city on Mark’s behalf was kind of putting him off.

Oh I see, well fine, that’s not a problem, uh, just let me open the door and you can bring it in, so uh, why didn’t he bring it up?

Okay thanks, uh, I have it on ice… He had a meeting or something.

Typical Mark I guess, okay well bring it on in then, I have some stuff in the truck, just be a second.

Can I help?

It was how he said it actually that made him stop and stare at the tall blonde haired man. His face looked so pained and desperate. It was almost as if the guy was trying too hard to get Paul to like him and yet, well it was also as if he was afraid that Paul wouldn’t like him, like it actually mattered. It troubled him that his pleasure or displeasure could cause this stranger grief. Really, he didn’t know him and yet it was almost as if he did. God, why did these things have to happen to him he wondered as he saw the way Jock lowered his head, shuffling his feet a bit. It was like watching him almost a year ago and in his heart he knew that this was him. There was no doubt left to him as he saw that pained look cross Jock’s face.

Well, if you want, I mean… it’s not necessary.

It felt like a reprieve from a fate worse than death. Strange how it mattered so much to him that Paul not look at him like just one more of Mark’s casual affairs. For whatever reason, his heart was beating a mile a second and he could feel the hardness in his groin too. Weird how that happened too, because Paul really wasn’t what you would call a hottie, but there was something about him.

Jock couldn’t explain it but while Paul may be balding and had a small little paunch, he seemed pretty fit for a guy who was nearing his 61^st birthday. If he had to, he’d guess that Paul was the same height as he was, 6foot or damn close to it. He might be a bit heavier but all in all to his eye Paul didn’t look his age. If pressed he might say he was mid fifties but no way would he guess 60. Yet it really wasn’t his physical presence that had him nervous, and he couldn’t explain why, but it mattered to him that Paul like him.

I don’t mind, besides I should get a towel or something to wipe off the stuff I brought first, its been on ice and well…

Ice? How much is there?

Jock noticed the irritation in Paul’s voice but he knew it was directed at Mark and not him. That realization made him smile a little and when he did, he saw how Paul seemed to notice. It was almost as if they were sharing a secret, but didn’t know it.

Fair amount actually…

Christ, is he expecting an army? Don’t answer that, knowing Mark Thayer as long as he isn’t footing the bill he’ll make sure that its double what is required, oh well, sorry, sound like a nattering old geezer, but if you’ll grab that box I’ll take these bags then I’ll give you hand bringing in Mark’s party food.

He tried to focus as he led Jock into his house. He wished he could be following but then that would have been too obvious. There was a sort of innocence about Jock that held him and yet also made him nervous. In some ways it was refreshing to meet a young man who seemed to at least have some semblance of manners.

Paul knew a lot of Mark’s flings and for the most part they were merely attempting to further their own ambitions if not just get off. Jock didn’t seem like that but then again, first impressions were deceiving. After all he had been enchanted by Mark himself though that had quickly faded. He was under no illusion about what drove his friend Mark and yet somehow he just never could bring himself to ending their so called friendship. Maybe he was just too afraid of losing even one friend of his limited circle?

It was something he had thought a lot about during his trip. Now he was really wondering if it was all worth it? People like Mark Thayer were everywhere, but then he did have other friends. Tommy was a prime example. He would do anything for Tommy and vice versa. Hell Tommy had been down right angry when he had found out that Paul had set aside some of his winnings for him. It had been a tense few calls over trans Atlantic cables before Tommy had calmed down and accepted the gift of the money.

As his mind continued to wonder about people it began to work around the one single question that kept coming to him. Was Jock a Mark Thayer type or was he a Tommy? Was he perhaps even a Jason? He felt confused by it all because until he had seen Jock on the beach, no other man had ever effected him in the same way that Jason had. Part of him felt like it was a betrayal and yet part of him ached for that type of relationship again. He just didn’t know how to go about it anymore, after all it had been a long time since he had even thought about such a thing. Maybe he was just too old, after all this man couldn’t be more than late twenties at best.

The money certainly had given a lot more freedom than he had been used to but with it had also come a heighten sense of being cautious. His heart was telling him to reach out, to seize the moment that fate had thrown at him. Yet his mind cautioned him, telling him this could very well be a set up. After all 40 million dollars was a nice junk of cash to get your hands on. He had been down that road before too. Still there was something so innocent, so almost naïve about Jock that he couldn’t accept that he might be trying a con. Of course his association with Mark was a contradiction to that idea.

If only he had been a lost traveller instead of Mark’s errand boy of the week. After all Mark changed flings almost as often as some people changed their socks. He just wasn’t the type for commitment and yet he had to admit, Jock was certainly the type who might be able to alter that. Christ, how could he think like that when he didn’t even know the guy?

Putting his added supplies away he noticed how Jock barely looked at him. At first he thought it was because of his age or looks and yet the more he stole glances at Jock, the more convinced he was that the guy simply felt scared or nervous even. It was almost as if it seemed to matter to Jock what he, Paul, thought of him. It was a new experience for him too as he felt the sweat on the palms of his hands. There was something so mysterious about him that he couldn’t resist hoping.

Despite all the warning from deep within his mind he knew that this time he couldn’t do nothing. He had to know more about Jock and especially about how he was connected with Mark. Damn why did it have to be Mark of all people he thought as they finished unloading the last of Mark’s perishables into the overstuffed refrigerator. It just wasn’t fair he thought as he closed the double door and turned to see Jock just standing there.

He looked like he wanted to run and hide actually but just as Paul felt like he would like to hide, he knew he couldn’t. Not this time, no way was he going to hide in his shell.

So, how’d Mark rope you into bringing up the stuff early?

Paul’s voice startled him. He had been quiet while they had brought in the groceries and put them away. There was something almost comfortable in how they worked around each other, putting stuff away. Jock would take them out and hand them to Paul who would put them in their proper place. It felt, well it felt domestic really, something that he had been craving for. Even when he had been married to Norma Jean he never felt this at ease, well until his mind would remind him of where he was and who he was.

The more he helped the more it felt right to him. His heart was pounding so loudly each time his hand would brush up against Paul’s that he was certain Paul would hear it. Then he would have to explain why it was pounding so loudly and for the life of him, he just wasn’t sure why. The smell of Paul’s cologne was driving him crazy as well not to mention the sound of his voice. It had a rich timbre to it that wasn’t deep or low, but it just seemed so, well perfect.

He had so many different feelings and emotions running thru him that he didn’t know what to make of it all. He could feel the ache deep in his groin, an ache that he had never experienced before. Jock didn’t have to look down to know that his groin was doing its best to embarrass him either. Yet it was kind of strange, how Paul didn’t look. Whenever he went anywhere with mark, everyone always seemed to look there, to check it out so to speak. It was kind of embarrassing and had more than once made him blush, but if Paul had looked he didn’t let on.

While he respected that he also felt a bit disappointed. Maybe he wasn’t Paul’s type or something but it somehow seemed to matter to him that Paul like him. It wasn’t that he wanted to jump into bed with him either, though the idea didn’t scare him as it did when he considered other men. There was something different about Paul, something that made him wish he could just stay here and watch him.

Guess he knew I’d do it, I don’t know, I uh, I wasn’t planning on staying though…

Why not?

Not really my thing, not one for crowds of people I don’t know… guess this way he figured I’d stay, I suppose.

Oh, so you are his latest project then?

Project was a polite term for it he thought as he tried to raise his eyes to see what Paul was really thinking about him? Trick was a more apt word and yet he knew that Paul wasn’t trying to put him down, but he felt ashamed that Paul could tell just what he was.

Project?

Paul regretted the word the instant he had said it. He could see how the eyes suddenly grew darker and a bit glassy as tears seemed to be so close to the surface. He felt like he had hurt Jock and somehow that mattered a great deal to him. Christ he must be nuts to be feeling like this over one of Mark Thayer’s flings. Yet, somehow deep inside he knew that Jock wasn’t that type, no matter what he had done with Mark.

Sorry, I have known Mark for years, I shouldn’t speak like that.

No, it’s okay, he is sort of one tracked.

Sort of? You haven’t known him long I take it.

Not really, couple of months I guess, bit longer maybe.

Well he’s not really a bad person, but he is single minded in some things.

Yeah, I’ve noticed… uh, he’s never been serious about… I mean has he ever…

Had a boyfriend? No, that’s not Mark’s style, he likes to love ‘em and leave ‘em.

Yeah, kind of obvious about that isn’t he?

It wasn’t so much how he had answered Paul, but more on how he looked. There was disappointment but also a sense of, well, as if he had known it but needed it confirmed. Now he had that but Paul could see the hurt inside. He wished he had the courage to just take Jock and gather him up into his arms. To hold him and tell him it was okay but he just didn’t quite have that much nerve, least not yet.

Kind of, so you just playing delivery boy?

Huh?

I mean, well you really not planning to stay for his big shindig, judging by all this food and the booze that was delivered it should be some party.

No, I think I’ll head back.

Not into parties?

Not really, they seem so…

Pointless?

Yeah… it’s sort of like, well like its just an excuse to get laid without.. sorry, I shouldn’t talk…

No, it’s okay, it’s basically how I feel too.

So why are you… sorry, I keep sticking my foot in my mouth, have a habit of that it seems.

They had barely moved away from the kitchen and as he listened to Jock’s halting speech and constant apologizes, he realized that Jock really didn’t want to go. At least not now, and he felt slightly giddy as he thought that maybe, just maybe there was a glimmer of hope for him. Jock was certainly not the typical yuppie type that Mark went for, so what was it that Mark was after? Why was he hanging out with someone who obviously wasn’t into the heavy drinking and sex thing?

As much as he wanted to find that answer he could see that Jock was feeling skittish. Worse he knew that he was feeling like he had somehow screwed up. Paul hated to see him looking so forlorn and all he could think about was on trying to not let Jock leave, at least not in a sad mood.

Look, uh, Jock? I am throwing the party simply to keep the peace. Mark was bent out of shape and hell, it’s a cheap and easy way for me to keep things sort of cool between us, I figure, well, we’ve known each other for years, so…

Yeah? So you aren’t into the party scene?

Jock’s obvious joy at hearing that he wasn’t into those kind of parties threw him a little. For a second he wished he had the nerve to just reach out and touch the man’s face, to caress his cheeks and tell him how he felt. God it was like being in high school or something. He didn’t know a thing about this guy and yet his heart was acting like he was the one, was his soul mate even. It was crazy, scary and wonderful all at once.

Nope, in fact I’ll be quietly reading a good book while Mark has his fun, I just don’t enjoy Mark’s idea of a party.

Really? You read a lot?

Seeing the way Jock’s face lit up was almost too much for Paul. He felt light headed as the joy he saw almost made his body quiver. He felt the weakness in his legs too as he recognized that look, knowing it from his own deep feelings of pleasure that came from reading.

Yes, it’s, well it’s my way of escaping I guess… why do you read?

Yes, I find that it, well it kind of calms me down or soothes me when life gets kind, of well, crappy.

Boy I know that feeling, so, uh, what do you like to read? Any particular author or?

Well, I sort of jump around a bit, bit of Science Fiction and fantasy stuff. Reading Lord of the Rings again because of the movie, some of Ann Rice’s vampire stuff, and well, I don’t know, about anything really that suits the mood.

Really? I am a science fiction fan myself, and I really do enjoy a good vampire book. Have you read that one about the gay vampire that is set in the future? Where he tries to save the world from the evil new order?

Gay vampire? I didn’t know that… no, I haven’t, sounds interesting.. I uh…

What? That there were gay vampire books?

Yeah, I mean… I have looked for uh, for books that are, that have…

Gay themes?

Yeah. Sorry, I guess I sound like an idiot.

At last the light bulb went on inside his head. Jock was a rookie, a first timer perhaps which answered a lot of nagging questions for Paul. Jock had just come out, or close to it and that would also explain why Mark was keeping him around. Mark was a pig when it came to sex and there was nothing like a virgin ass to get Mark going. It also helped explain some of Jock’s hesitancy and shuffling of feet. He was nervous because being around gay men was still new to him.

You just came out, huh?

Somehow he didn’t feel quite so bad at being asked that. It was almost a relief even for him and he felt the stiffness in his body relax a little. There was a comfort level in being here with Paul. He still couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen him somewhere but he knew it wasn’t at any of Mark’s parties.

Yes, is it that obvious?

Not really, but then I have been around the block a few times, guess as you get older you can pick up on these things, uh, so, what happened? If you don’t mind me being nosey that is?

No, it’s okay, I guess, well it’s a long story, you’d only be bored.

No, I don’t think so. Uh look you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it if you wanted.

Really?

The words were saying one thing but Paul could feel that Jock was desperate to unburden himself. Well the worse that would happen he thought is that maybe he could become a friend to Jock. It would more than likely drive him crazy but still there was something about the young man that made him feel it would be worth the trouble. It wasn’t just his innocence but was more his apparent torment. Paul had been down that road himself, a long time ago and he could understand how guilty one could feel for being different.

Yes.

His heart continued to pound loudly as he stood there, wishing he could just sit down before he fell down. Jock felt like Paul really did mean it, but he couldn’t understand why. He had tried to talk to Mark and even to some of the others, but they never really cared. Sure they pretended to, but they only had one thing on their mind, how to get into his pants. With Paul he could see that he really did want to know.

Why? I mean…

I guess cause, well… okay this is going to sound crazy, but you have haunted my dreams for almost a whole year.

Huh? What do you… I never… I mean…

There was no mistaking the fear on Jock’s face and he rushed to try and explain himself. He didn’t know why he had just blurted it out but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to let him go, and he suddenly felt like he was in the middle of a raging sea. He had to show Jock that he wasn’t some pervert, that he wasn’t just another fag like Mark Thayer and his crowd. Paul could feel the tiny beads of sweat on his forehead as he tried to explain, as he struggled to make sense of the swirling emotions that were suddenly consuming him.

Last summer, early July, where you up at the River, few miles up from SF?

Yes, I was… during my… shit, now I know why you… there was..

What?

Nothing… uh, nothing just that, well, I used to go for walks along the beach, there was this one guy… he was always reading a book but… I mean you look sort of like him, I can’t…

It couldn’t be happening he thought. For a mere instant he felt as if this was just how it was meant to be, but then his mind asserted itself. After all he had 40 million dollars now, and yet even as the mind pressed, his heart kept beating stronger, kept pushing for him to listen, to hear what Jock was saying. As much as his thoughts wanted to disbelieve Jock, the way Jock’s eyes flared and looked told him it was true, told him that he hadn’t imagined that look that kept haunting his dreams.

It was. I used to see you coming along every morning, you looked so… so distant? No, no that isn’t the word, maybe lost? I don’t know, it just that you piqued my interest I guess.

Yeah? Strange, I used to wonder about you, everyone else there was either rubbing something on someone or drooling over someone, it was so strange to be there, to see all that and yet… I don’t know, you looked out of place there, sort of how I was feeling, sorry, guess I should…

Sorry? What for, you were right, I did feel out of place there, but maybe not for the same reasons.

Weird this, I mean, I used to wonder about you.

Really?

Yeah, it was kind of a rough time, and well, I don’t know, it made me feel a bit easier when I would see you sitting there with your book. It kind of was like, well, reassuring in a way. I mean I like books, and well, I don’t know, felt like maybe there was hope for me if there were still people who’d go to a beach to read instead of to hook up.

Well I am a dinosaur I suppose…

How’s that?

A dying breed, one where sex isn’t all that important, least according to the Mark’s of the world.

I don’t know, I think there are some who still want more than that, I mean, if not why would so many be making such a stink about wanting to be married?

Interesting point of view Jock, makes an old timer like me feel hopeful.

Old timer? You don’t look that old, I mean, uh, shit that sounded like a come on didn’t it?

Haha, no, not really. Look, uh, you had lunch yet?

Lunch? No, was going to grab something on the way back to the city.

Well, how about joining me for lunch?

Uh, that’s nice of you, just uh, I really wasn’t going to get much, maybe find a McDonald’s or something. I don’t want to, uh.. I mean…

There it was again, that sort of hesitancy that had Paul puzzled. He wasn’t sure if it was real or if Jock was just putting on an act. Yet looking at him he really wasn’t sure if Jock was worried about their age difference or not. After all most of Mark’s friends were late twenties early thirties and in the upward mobile set. Somehow though he wasn’t sure it was his age that was making Jock feel hesitant.

I know, look, I know I am not exactly in your age class, but its only lunch and…

NO.. no it isn’t that, Shit, sorry uh, well… I can’t afford to spend much, least not till Mark pays me back…

The food?

Yes

Why didn’t you say so?

I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right, I mean… I didn’t want you to… Mark was supposed to phone you, and well, when you said he hadn’t, I mean, I just thought it would be easier to uh, to just get it from him.

If it was an act it was a damn good one he thought as he stared at Jock for just a second. He could tell it was making the man uncomfortable and he just couldn’t do that. He couldn’t’ explain why but it mattered to him how Jock felt. Damn Mark Thayer, he really could be a real shit at times. To take advantage of someone like Jock for the obvious reasons was just too much. Paul could feel the anger growing as he tried to figure out a way to ease Jock’s feelings without hurting them either.

Yes, well I can tell you it won’t be. You have the receipts?

Yes, really, I can get it from Mark, I mean it should come from him anyways, I don’t want to…

Nonsense, give me the receipts and I’ll write you a cheque and we don’t have to go out, after all there is a fridge full of food, we can eat here if you prefer?

Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to impose…

No imposition, besides I’d enjoy the company.

Well, okay, but only if you let me help.

He didn’t know why but he gave a light tap on Jock’s shoulder as he told him it would be fine. It was almost as if he was a teenager again too the way he felt so happy even though the receipts looked rather hefty. Not that the money bothered him so much as the notion that Mark had made this guy pay for it when it was clear that he wasn’t in good economic shape. His anger for Mark was becoming rather heated and he decided that eventually he and Mark would have a parting of the ways.

Normally that notion would upset him but somehow he didn’t seem to care anymore. It was as if meeting Jock had given him a new source of courage and self confidence. He whistled a little as he left Jock in the kitchen to pull out some meat and veggies for lunch. What had looked like a rather tedious weekend was suddenly showing promise. If he was really fortunate, maybe Jock would stay for the party.

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