Story - The Lottery (7) (end)

The Lottery

Part 7

He sat back in the kitchen chair watching Jock washing up. The man had refused to let Paul help and to be honest he was rather enjoying seeing the man standing at the sink. It gave him a strange sense of contentment to see someone else doing something so domestic. Still there was a small annoying twinge in his mind. One that kept telling him this was all an act, all a put on. It was times like this when he wished he could be like Mark Thayer and just go for the sex instead of constantly analyzing everything to the smallest detail.

In the back of his mind he knew that he was physically attracted to Jock, after all the guy was hot. It wasn’t that he was some jock or hard the hard body many associated with beauty. It was his eyes though that made Paul melt. The way they seemed to go right into his very soul each time their eyes locked was what made his heart beat quicken and his groin stiffen. Trouble was that inside his heart he felt like there was so much more to the man, something that made him feel alive in a sense he had never truly experienced before.

Sure there had been Jason and while he knew they had shared a love, this was totally different. If anything it felt like there was more that just an attraction. It felt almost as if they were one, sharing more than just interests or views. Hell he didn’t really know what views Jock held but something told him that where it counted, they were like Siamese twins. He couldn’t explain it but staring at him washing up only made him feel like he was alive, was truly a part of the world instead of just a spectator. It unnerved him too as he wondered if there could ever be anything between them.

The notion of having someone like Jock next to him was a thought that his heart approved of but his mind rejected. It kept throwing up age and money and anything else that was negative. Normally he listened but for the first time in his living memory he felt the power of his very soul reaching up to claim its right. He knew the turmoil that boiled within his being was not unique to him. Paul sensed that Jock also had similar thoughts or so his heart kept pounding out to his mind. It was at one moment extremely inviting and yet at the same time frightening.

Christ he was 61, why would someone Jock’s age even think about being with someone like him? It wasn’t just about looks or sexual drive even, so why did he feel that Jock wanted him? Was it the money like his mind kept saying or was it really something deeper than that? Did he crave the security of being with an older man or was it merely a foray into the lifestyle as a test, to see if the waters were warm enough? Did Jock merely look at him as an introduction to their secret world of living or did he genuinely care for him the way God intended?

You okay?

Huh?

You looked so serious, you okay?

Just for a passing second Paul was certain he could see genuine concern etched in those dark chocolate eyes. It was as if it really seemed to matter to Jock that he was okay. Strange, but it was sort of how he himself felt about Jock. He really did think that he cared about how he felt. It shook him as his mind continued to try and pry him away from his heart’s urgings.

Oh, fine, sorry, guess I was just lost in thought somewhere, sorry.

No problem, well thanks again.

For what?

Dinner.

Wasn’t really very much, uh, how about a glass of brandy? We can maybe go sit in the den?

Sure, but uh… well, about staying, I know you offered, but I can drive okay and…

Panic seemed to suddenly grab at him. Paul felt a strange fear inside as if all he wanted from life was about to simply get up and leave. He felt desperate and gulped a few times as he gathered his wits. It was weird to feel this desperate & yet he knew he had to try, had to hold onto his hope somehow.

There is a spare room, door has a lock that works and…

Jocks eyes suddenly shut and Paul watched the way his face seemed to suddenly go white. It was almost as if he had insulted him and he wanted to take back the words as he waited for Jock to respond.

I am not worried about that, sorry. It is just, I don’t want to impose…

You aren’t, come on we’ll have some brandy and sit, talk if you want or maybe you’d rather watch television?

Okay, uh, talk?

Sure if you wanted to, or we could always just kick back and listen to some music and read if you prefer?

Really? I mean, wouldn’t that be, well, you have such a great selection of books.

It felt like a light had gone off or something. The way Jock’s face suddenly lit up made Paul’s heart skip a beat or two. It felt so good to see him smile. More than that he seemed genuinely pleased by the notion. If only it was real he thought as he tried not to stare.

Tomorrow I am to pick up some new ones at the local bookstore, maybe you’d care to come along with me?

Guess that settles it then.

Settles it? What?

Me staying. With a trip to a bookstore in the offering? No way could I go home now.

Haha, well… I’ll have to remember that.

Jock looked over at Paul and smiled. The way his mouth curled and the eyes glowed almost made Paul feint. It was like he had suddenly been given the key to the country or something. His chest ached a bit from the strain as they walked slowly towards the den. Paul wasn’t sure if they’d sit and talk or just read but he didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that Jock would be sitting next to him. For whatever that meant to Jock he didn’t know but for him it was like everything was finally beginning to fall into place. This was more than his dream coming true, this was living it.

He had never had so much trouble trying to concentrate as he was finding it right now. Every few seconds all he could think of was to steal a glance over at Paul. It felt weird to be feeling this way and yet it was exactly how he felt. His heart was beating a mile a second or so it felt. He knew that he was deluding himself that someone as sophisticated as Paul could even consider him worthy but he knew he couldn’t just walk away. The whole thing was amazing really.

Ever since the party he couldn’t get Paul out of his mind. It was almost as if the man had taken over his dreams and thoughts even. He had found himself comparing Paul to Mark which really confused him. Mark was a way to get laid, he knew that now and all his fancy thoughts of a life with Mark had seemed to just evaporate once he had met Paul.

Nothing really made sense to him but the idea of him and Paul seemed to keep on growing inside his mind and in his heart. He didn’t know if it was simply from Paul being nice to him or that they shared an interest. Whatever it was it was like he had suddenly become addicted to the notion of him and Paul.

Even now, sitting here in the big leather chair only added fuel to his wild thoughts. The odour of burnt wood permeated his nostrils and yet all he could think of was that alluring aroma of Paul’s cologne. It made him swoon really and the print on the page in front of him kept blurring as he tried to make sense of it all. Was he falling in love or was he falling for the dream he had of what a relationship was? Was it Paul’s own charm or the allure of a shared interest?

Jock couldn’t decide and it troubled him because he knew that if left to him he would have gone home. He wanted above all to stay but he was scared. He knew there was a huge age difference but somehow he didn’t seem to mind. Paul was something he had never thought existed. A man who cared for literature and for life. Least that was how he had first saw Paul but now he knew there was a lot more to it. He couldn’t make up his mind as to what attracted him to Paul the most.

Ever since that party he had thought about Paul. The more the days had passed the more obsessed he felt he was becoming about the man. He couldn’t explain why either because Paul wasn’t exactly a looker. He was handsome and held his age well but he was no poster boy for gay men. Maybe that was just it, maybe he was so warped that he went for the opposite of the typical gay?

It was his curse to always mull things over until they resembled a worn out bone or something. Still he couldn’t stop thinking of Paul and even Mark had sensed it. Their relationship had cooled dramatically after the party and Jock wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted Paul or simply didn’t care for Mark’s growing demand for more sex than Jock was willing to give. It bothered him a bit but then it didn’t seem to really matter when he would think of Paul.

The notion of some man entering his rectum had always turned him off, had made him feel that he wasn’t really gay, just gay curious but then he met Paul. All that seemed to change and yet at the same time made him even more fearful of sex. He had trouble even letting Mark jerk him off never mind suck him off which was what finally led to their big fight and eventual break-up. It also was how he was finally able to get enough courage to drive up here.

Just sitting here right now with Paul next to him made him feel more gay than all the kissing, fondling or blow jobs that Mark had given him. He didn’t know why he felt this way and he was afraid that it would end at any second. He couldn’t help it, yet each time he would steal a look at Paul he felt happy, alive. It was as if the man made him whole. His mind told him he didn’t know this older man and yet his heart told him he did.

Round and round his mind and heart kept going at this and yet he seemed to know that unless Paul threw him out, this was where he wanted to be. To just be in the presence of him, to smell his cologne, to listen to him breathe was intoxicating in itself. Worse though was how it made the rest of his body react. Jock could feel the constant press of his penis against his pants as he struggled to keep a tight rein on the physical emotions that kept trying to break out.

Dinner had been a nightmare for him. All he could think about while chewing was how nice it would be to make Paul breakfast, to feel his arms around his waist while he scrambled the eggs or flipped the bacon. His heart seemed to skip several beats each time he thought about what it would be like to open his eyes and see Paul’s face next to his or to just wake up to Paul’s even breath against his cheeks.

It scared him so much that he didn’t think he could stay and yet somehow here he still was. It amazed him really. How could a stranger have such an effect on him? His mind told him that he was being dishonest, that he was merely looking for a safe port in the storm of his life. He knew that it could be true. After all there was his outing by his wife and then Mark. He didn’t know who had scarred him more but his money was on the wife for the moment.

Still the whole idea of him actually being 100% gay scared him except when dreaming about Paul. His eyes grew a bit distant as he glanced once more at the balding head reading the leather bound book. The way the white hair seemed to shimmer made his pulse race a bit. Jock wished he had the courage to just tell Paul all this, but he didn’t. He hated himself for his weakness but then that too was who he was.

His wife may be a shrew in his mind but she was right. He had deceived her in the worst possible way but how do you tell someone you thought you cared for that you weren’t interested in them? Mark seemed to have no trouble with that but then Mark had only one goal it seemed. His wife had given him two children, she had a right to be pissed but she should have known that he wasn’t the type to jump to things. Maybe he had known all along that he liked guys but even now, despite all that had gone on, he still felt like he wasn’t certain.

Yet to be honest with himself when he looked at Paul he felt like he was. When he thought of Mark or some of Mark’s friends, all he could feel was uncertainty. When he looked at other women he felt the same way so what was he? Was he gay or just a totally confused fuck? Mark had called him that and as much as it hurt him to hear it, he had to maybe agree with Mark. He was confused but deep down inside he knew the answer rested. His problem was that he was too afraid to dig down and get it for fear of what it might truly be.

His head stared up and over the opened book in his hands as he looked over to the wall above the fireplace. A small brass lamp shone lightly down on an old looking document within a glass case. His eyes couldn’t make out the writing really except for the first few letters that were enlarged. He knew it was merely a copy still to lift his face up to stare up at that document made his heart flutter a bit.

It wasn’t something he hadn’t seen hundreds of times before and yet right this second it seemed to hold some special meaning to him. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the bold old English print that seemed to shimmer in the light. His heart grew quiet as he realized that all he wanted was here, that all he had ever hoped for was right here if he dared. For the first time he realized that he couldn’t sit back and wait, that it was suddenly a choice he had to actually make.

The blood seemed to fill his ears and he could hear the roaring sound as he mind ceased its battle with his heart. Small tears came to his eyes as he put the book down on his lap, wondering why it had taken him so long to realize all that now came flooding into his mind? His body shook a little and he could feel the growing flush of excitement as he finally let his heart beat stridently inside.

With the image of the three words ‘We The People’ from the constitution etched in his mind he turned to stare once more at Paul. This time he didn’t let his gaze wander or hide as he waited for Paul to turn and face him. He could see the eyes widen as he met Paul’s gaze and he licked his lips as he made up his mind.

Paul…

Yes?

I don’t want to sleep in the spare room, if that is okay with you.

Part 8

Paul opened his eyes to see the bright rays of the sun shining in from the window. For a minute or two he thought about the night wishing that the dream hadn’t ended. His face was open in a wide smile as he thought about last night when it hit him, it wasn’t a dream, it really was real, wasn’t it? He quickly turned away from the window to stare at the other side of his bed but it was empty. For a moment or two his heart sagged and he felt a strange sense of panic inside. It was a dream his mind said but then he smelled the scent wafting across the room and Paul knew that it had been no dream.

He sat up and looked around his large bedroom. The heavy drapes hadn’t been closed but the almost sheer pale blue ones had been drawn. They blew gently in the morning breeze that came from the open glass and once more memories of last night came flooding back to him. No, it hadn’t been a dream but now he turned around, wondering where the source of his good feeling had gone.

There was a sense of disappointment inside, as he had wanted to wake up and turn to see him lying next to him, but instead all he saw as the crumpled sheets and still dented pillow from where his head had lain. He could smell him still, a faint lingering aroma that once more made him feel like he was 16 or 17. He couldn’t believe his good fortune yet in his mind he could hear the words of one night stand echoing. Where was he?

Paul cocked his head to one side to try and listen. There was no sound coming from the bathroom, no water running and he could hear the wind rustling the trees outside and the birds chirping yet no human sound intruded. His heart beat a little faster from panic & fear as he stepped out of the bed, his robe quickly adorned from the chair as he began to feel strangely lost, strangely frightened.

He stood by the open window and peered out and down onto his driveway. There stood his Tahoe and in front the dented and old Datsun still rested. He breathed a small sigh of relief as he knew that the dream was real and that for the moment, it still hadn’t ended. He thanked his lucky stars as he finally was able to hear the sounds of something human moving off in the distance. He could tell it was coming from the kitchen and he felt the tension ease from his shoulders.

For a moment or two he pondered having a shower but instead he quickly dabbed cold water on his face, rinsed his mouth out and tossed on a pair of pants before slipping into his slippers. With the robe still on he padded off towards the kitchen to see what was going on. He didn’t want to waste a second as his feet moved just a bit faster almost in time with the rising beat of his heart.

As the sound grew louder he could also smell the tantalizing aroma of breakfast cooking. He never was one for big breakfasts but suddenly Paul found himself feeling rather ravenous. His mouth watered as he turned in from the hall into the kitchen. He stopped short as he saw the tall blonde by the large kitchen range. He was flipping something on the griddle portion of the stove top but it was his attire that made Paul stop.

Jock stood there, nothing on really except a pair of thin boxer shorts. You could just see the outline of his firm buttocks as well as the faint hint of tanned skin of the flesh. The tall figure had a thin something around the back of his neck and Paul knew that he wore an apron but other than those two items, Jock wore nothing else. He couldn’t believe it as he stood there, enjoying the beauty of the man.

He couldn’t contain himself as he felt the sudden growth between his legs along with the sudden flush that rose up from his groin. The warmth made him begin to sweat a little as he gazed at the long legs with their fine dusting of blond hairs. In his heart he could still feel them brushing up against his own legs and he sighed a little, recalling the pleasure he had had in just running his hand along those well defined and firm legs.

The sound of his sigh was heard as the head suddenly popped up and turned. Paul watched with a growing sense of desire as the hair moved one way and the head the other. He watched as Jock’s face came fully into view and he could see the rich chocolate eyes beaming out at him from under a lock of rebellious blonde hair. He saw the thin pale lips that he had tasted fully hours earlier and he smiled. The whole vision of Jock wearing a silly apron over his front only brought a whistle of appreciation from Paul’s lips which in turn brought an increasingly wider smile from that fine angular face.

Sorry was I making too much noise?

No, didn’t hear a sound really, uh.. what are you making? Smells damn good.

Oh just some eggs and bacon, hungry?

It seemed so right, the way Jock was standing by the stove with a spatula in his hand and his eyes darting from Paul then back to the food on the griddle. It was so perfect that he felt a tear welling up. Somehow he felt like he was once more in a world of dreams because life couldn’t be this perfect, could it?

Yes, actually…

That later …I mean… shit…

Paul had to laugh, the expression on Jock’s face when he had stared quickly at Paul’s middle when he had answered was priceless and yet he felt the strange hitch in his own voice as he chuckled. It had been a long time since he had let himself go in such a way as he had last night. Sure he had his fling or two while off in Europe but that had been sex, last night had been something else.

His mind still couldn’t quite believe all that had happened. If he was to be cold and analytical about it nothing much really had happened physically, yet the feelings inside that had come rushing to him were still there. He could still feel the excitement from Jock’s first touch of his naked chest, or the warmth that had suddenly filled his whole body when their lips had brushed against each other for the first time.

Everything about last night had been about firsts for him, yet his mind kept telling him that it had been nothing new. Still his heart and soul cried out for more, not so much for the raw sex but for the taste of Jock’s lips on his, the smell of Jock’s hair as it brushed past his nostrils. The sensation that made his body shake & shudder as Jock’s hand caressed his skin. All of that made him feel so different and the feeling hadn’t left, hadn’t passed. If he closed his eyes right now Paul knew he would see it all as if it was still happening. No, as much as his mind might try to confuse him, his heart knew the truth. What had passed between them last night hadn’t been about physical needs, but about something greater, much more meaningful.

Oh that too, but us old guys need nourishment first.

You aren’t old, hell if last night… uh…

There was a strange look across Jock’s face that was quickly hidden but Paul had seen it. For an instant he froze as he tried to understand the swift look that had nearly escaped his attention. His heart seemed to stop for that instant as fear gripped him. His mind reeled as the look became fixed in his vision.

What? Why that look? Is something wrong?

No, least not… this is so weird, I am sorry, but, is it okay to talk about.. I mean.. was it…

I have never felt so alive as I did with you last night Jock, if that is what you are asking.

Sort of, I am sorry, I feel so, different today… it is like, I don’t know… so much more human, more like a real person, if that makes sense.

It does, are you worried that… uh…

I don’t know what to do Paul.

He was feeling strangely confused. The look had puzzled him and even scared him but the voice made him look deeper into Jock’s face. There was a glow but also a look of concern that made his heart wince a little. He was confused himself as he tried to give himself time to think, to adjust to Jocks swing in moods.

Uh you flip the bacon over so it cooks on both sides then you…

Jock turned to stare down at the sizzling food and with a casual flip of his wrist managed to turn the bacon and other bits that were on the griddle. It was done abstractly Paul noticed as Jock’s head quickly turned back to focus on his face, the deep rich brown eyes staring intently at him.

That’s not what I meant… that I know how to do.

I can see that.

I am not good at… at sex. There… I said it, I know that for me last night was special, it really was something I have never felt before, but you, I mean Paul I know you expected more… and I just… I mean…

For a second he felt panic inside his heart as he listened to the halting voice. His hand moved out and he touched Jock on the shoulder and then with his hand he reached up and lifted the chin so he could stare into that face that had mesmerized him from the beginning.

In his heart he knew what Jock was trying to say and what he was feeling. To be honest he had thought that he had been the one who had maybe not satisfied but looking into Jock’s eyes he knew differently.

Last night was very special for me too Jock. I wouldn’t say that either if I didn’t mean it.

But I didn’t… I mean we didn’t…

Despite what some might say Jock, a first time with someone doesn’t have to always include or, well, it just doesn’t have to be doing everything… with Jason we never, I mean we never did do everything until later on. There aren’t any rules you know?

No, I didn’t… guess I am sort of stupid, just that I like you a lot and don’t want you to think I don’t. I guess I thought that you might think I didn’t cause we didn’t, uh, you know…

Strange listening to all this as it dredged up a conversation he had long since forgotten. It was after the second time he and Jason had made love together. They still hadn’t had intercourse and he had been afraid that Jason might think he didn’t like him. Funny how history could repeat itself and now here he was, once more reliving that same feeling only this time it wasn’t his reticence in question.

Jock I am appreciative for whatever you are willing to share with me. I know that doesn’t sound great, but I am in no rush to go all the way, as the kids might say. I am more interested in knowing you, and well, in having you know me. In some ways I feel like a kid in junior high with his first crush, yet, well, this is so much more than that to me. I want to enjoy it, last night was so much more than what I ever dreamed, you have to believe that Jock. It is the truth.

Jock just stood there for a moment or two and looked at Paul. It felt so unreal, as if suddenly time had stopped for them both as Paul felt Jock’s heart stop beating, just as his own stopped. They simply looked at each other, feeling the truth in what had been said.

The crackle of bacon intruded and Jock turned to shove the pile of crispy strips off to one side. His hands moved deftly as he spread the bacon and hash browns onto the two plates he had by the side. The eggs were quickly moved on and then he turned, the grill turned off and two plates of steaming food in one hand.

Their eyes met again and this time Paul felt the twinge inside as Jock motioned him towards the table. It was a moment that he knew he would never forget. In some ways it was as if they had spoken volumes and yet Paul knew there were many more questions left to ask. His heart seemed to beat slower as he sat down waiting for Jock. The plate of steaming food unnoticed in front of him as he looked up into the brown eyes.

And well, Well you sure seemed to know what to do last night, Christ you are so… I mean, hell I feel like… well like I am back in high school…

Me too.

Really?

Yeah, I just never, I mean I know we didn’t do a whole lot, but…

In his own mind he knew they had done more than enough. To him a first time didn’t mean you did everything but Jock seemed that he did. He wondered if that was perhaps from his time with Mark but as he looked into Jock’s face, he knew it was just that Jock wanted to please. It was weird really, to see that glow inside of the man & yet to also be able to recognize the fear too. So much was happening & so quickly that he too felt that twinge of fear, of doubt.

Jock, what we did was what was right for then, there are no set you do this I do that stuff… I mean, sometimes you just have to take your time… I know its been awhile since I… since I really…

I’ve never done some things Paul, I don’t know if I’d please you the way… I mean…

It was like listening to his own fears, his own doubts. Sex seemed so important but in reality he knew it was just a part of life, nothing that couldn’t be worked out if you cared enough about each other. Paul just didn’t know how to say it, to explain it.

Jock, let’s have breakfast before it gets cold, it looks so inviting…

Sorry.

Don’t be.. it is, hell I am just as uncertain about things as you… damned if I know what to say either.

Really?

Uh huh.

But you are…

Older?

No, I didn’t mean that, just that, well you have done all this before, I’ve never been… I mean all I ever let Mark do was uh, the oral stuff, and even that… I mean… there hasn’t been any other men… so…

I am in no rush Jock, if all we ever do is no more than what we did last night, then I am still feeling like I died and went to heaven. It was all I could handle, to be honest. I mean… look… there is something about you that makes me feel, well, like I have been given a very special moment, I don’t want it to end.

I don’t either, it is just… I mean there are so many things I want to say but I don’t know really how.

You just say them Jock, if last night was a beginning, and I sure as hell hope so, then we have to learn to, well to tell each other our thoughts.

But what if I say the wrong thing or not that, I mean, well what if I just don’t say it right? I don’t want to lose… Paul I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Last night was, well… scary and yet, I mean… it just felt like… like I needed to be with you, I know I didn’t do much but…

If you don’t say it right, then we’ll try to figure it out, I know how to use a dictionary.

Paul…

Okay, look, neither of us can make any promises about what might happen, let’s well, let’s sort of let things happen and take it one step at a time.

So last night was okay?

More than okay Jock… this is weird… I am sorry, I am not used to talking about this either. It has been a long time for me… since I even felt this way.

Really? I never would have… Paul, why are you single? I mean… damn I am putting my foot in it, but, I guess I just can’t believe my luck, you are exactly what I have always dreamed about, when I let myself.

Paul felt like he was looking in some time mirror. He could see his own reflection in the words that Jock was trying to get out and he knew that in many ways they shared the same doubts and fears. He couldn’t believe his good fortune from last night yet he too had felt that maybe he hadn’t done all that Jock needed. It was bizarre to think you could establish a routine in just one night and Jason had helped him there, just as he knew he would need to help Jock. His biggest fear really was wondering if he was up to the task or would he blow it?

Me? God Jock you don’t know the half of it, I have a lot of baggage my friend…

Paul was surprised as Jock stood up and reached over to kiss Paul lightly on the lips. He could feel the electricity pouring into his body as the lips brushed lightly together. Then Jock’s head pulled back a bit to stare once more into Paul’s blue eyes. They locked & simply stared at each other for a minute or even two. He felt the hitch in his heart and the sudden gasp for air as his body shook a little by the soft tender touch that lingered as they stared at each other.

Finally Jock lowered his head and sat back down again, his tongue giving a quick flick over his lips that made Paul’s eyes widen a bit. It was almost as if Jock was trying to savour that taste, that one brief taste.

What was that for?

Calling me your friend… sorry, it is just, well, it felt so good..

Paul felt his hand reaching out over the table with the palm open. He waited as Jock looked at it and then brought his own hand up to let it fit neatly into Paul’s. It felt so good to hold him like that as the aroma of the food wafted past and he could smell Jock’s own scent mingling with the smell. It was as domestic as he had ever gotten in the last 20 or so years and he could feel the excitement racing around inside of him.

He also felt the apprehension of what he was letting himself in for. Here he was, 61 years of age with a man half his age at best, beginning something that he had only dreamed of for the last 20 years. Could he change his own ways to meet Jock’s needs or would his set ways eventually ruin what could be?

So many questions flew past his mind that he felt a bit dizzy by it all. Even after breakfast, there seemed a sense of awkwardness that he knew was mostly his fault. He really just wanted to reach out and grab Jock but held back. Still while cleaning up he did manage to brush against him which only added to his sense of wonder. The mere touch of Jock’s young firm figure next to his own made the blood boil inside. Thoughts of taking him into his arms and smothering him with passionate kisses took his fancy and even caused him to drop some cutlery that he was drying.

The noise had startled Jock but the look in his eyes had made it all worth it. Paul could see his concern as if he had dropped something important and yet the smile had made Paul feel weak at the knees. It was a twirling tornado of emotions with each passing of a dirty dish or pot and Paul felt like he was 16 again. How could he not want this? It was like a prayer had been answered but his mind had forgotten asking for it.

Even back upstairs Paul had felt the doubts crossing his mind. He had wanted to follow Jock into the shower but held back, knowing he was being old fashioned, telling himself it would be too pushy. Yet he was certain there was a sense of disappointment in Jock when he didn’t, but also a sense of relief. It was confusing but he knew that he couldn’t stop going forward. This was his chance, perhaps his last chance at having something he had secretly wanted for a very long time.

The sound of the water running and the noise of it falling off of Jock’s body only made his heart ache even more. He stared at his reflection in the large steamy mirror, wondering what it was that Jock saw in him? Could it be that he could see beyond that ancient looking face or was he looking for something else? As much as he hated himself for thinking it, he wondered briefly if it was the money or something else?

Staring at his own reflection he felt himself sizing up the pro’s and con’s of it all. He had some things to offer Jock, most of which was material but he did have a few non material things he could bring to the mix. He did have experience to some extend, and he had been around for a time so that could be a plus. It also could be a negative because he was 61, there was no escaping that.

His hair had receded quite a fair amount but he didn’t think it made him look exactly old. In some small way it added a bit of character to his appearance he thought but would Jock see that? What about other people? How would they see him and Jock? More than likely they would see the rich old fart with a young stud on his arm and figure it was about the money. It would be their first thoughts really and he had to admit it could be a problem.

Yet as hard as his mind kept trying to be practical about it, he found the answers deep in his heart. Frankly what difference did it really make what people thought, it was what Jock and he thought about it that counted. Just looking at Jock he could feel that the money was an issue but not in the way others would. If anything he felt confident that Jock would bend over the other way in an effort to not make it be about that. Still, he had a lot of money, it would be hard to not have it influence their relationship.

The sudden realization that he was embarking on an actual relationship gave him a cold chill. He shivered a bit as he looked at his reflection. The steam from the shower had distorted the view and yet he didn’t move to wipe the glass. It was how he saw himself, grey and distorted. How could he even consider this he thought? What madness was it to let himself be swept up by the glimmering hope of some grand love affair with a man half his age?

He felt suddenly very old and very scared. Paul knew in his heart that he craved the warm embrace of Jock’s arms but he also knew that he was still very much frightened by all that it would mean. He hadn’t been off the mark in saying he had a lot of baggage, and he wondered if it was fair to Jock to subject him to it? Could he expect someone so vulnerable to accept and understand all that it meant? Was it perhaps expecting too much?

Doubts and fears raced inside and he found his heart faltering a little. He knew he wanted this but he believed he was past it. His time had come and gone, of that he was fairly certain. Still, there was a small shard of hope that seemed persistent. It wouldn’t let him toss this chance away. Last night had been beyond words for him and just thinking about it made his shoulders relax a bit. The image before him might be old but it still breathed, it still had life inside so why shouldn’t he seize this opportunity?

The anxiety was making him sweat or maybe it just was the heat from the hot water coming from the shower. Either way he felt a strange heaviness inside that made him lean forward and close his eyes. He really wanted this but he could feel the years of denial roaring up inside. He wanted to be free of these doubts but they seemed insurmountable as he contemplated his image, his limited future.

Paul felt a sudden surge of something and he was startled as he tried to figure out where this strange new feeling was coming from. It felt wet and warm and inviting too as his head came up and there, in the mirror was another reflection. This time he felt the tension rising up as he stared out at his own brooding face and the soft thoughtful face of Jock next to it.

Jock merely stood there as Paul stared at him in the mirror. He saw the hair dangling down on either side of his face, the water dripping down his forehead and his flesh gleamed in the bathroom’s light. It looked so pink and fresh that it made Paul’s heart skip a beat. His eyes widened as Jock’s arms moved up to encircle his waist. He felt the wetness growing as Jock’s body seemed to just melt into his own and the long thin face now rested gently on Paul’s shoulder.

Are you as scared as I am Paul?

Slowly Paul felt himself turning around in Jock’s strong wet arms. He looked into the face and felt the drips of water against his bared chest. His robe had fallen open as he stood close to Jock, smelling his own shampoo and soap. He breathed in deeply as he also smelled the fear that came form them both.

‘Yes’ he said as he felt his own arms reaching out and sliding under Jocks’ arms. ‘Yes I am just as scared but we’ll work through it… if you want’

He stood there feeling Jock’s heart beating next to his, feeling his body gradually forming itself into Jock’s firm muscular frame. The arms held him tightly and Paul’s hands moved slowly up the small of Jock’s back. He could feel the fear but he also felt the thrill of the touch, the softness of the skin and the firmness of the muscles. His whole body grew hard and rigid as he closed his eyes and leaned closer to let his mouth brush up against the thin pale lips. The power of their embrace became harder as his body moved back a step and he felt the edge of the counter against his back. His groin was like a raging inferno as it pushed forward into the soft belly of the young man. He could feel the press back from Jock’s own crotch just as their lips touched.

It felt like a plug being put into the socket. The way his whole body suddenly became charged with an overwhelming sense of joy and pleasure. Every part of him began to tingle as the juice from the socket surged inwards. Paul didn’t know what to make of it as his emotions suddenly were awakened by the press of Jock’s mouth on his own. He could taste the man as his lips parted slightly and Jock’s thick raspy tongue came snaking inside in a darting manner.

Every part of his body suddenly ached and he felt the breathe leaving his lungs. His arms grew numb as he clung onto Jock’s own shivering body. There was no mistaking the desire or the passion that kept roaring into his body from every pore in his own body. He felt so alive that it actually hurt. The thunder of his own heart rose to a crescendo as he felt Jock’s long thick tongue running along the roof of his mouth. Tears welled up at the corner of his eyes as he held them tightly shut, afraid to open them for fear that he’d find this all a dream. Yet the thundering noise in his head told him how real it was.

Lights seemed to be exploding around him as his own tongue licked at the young probing flesh inside of his mouth. He could taste him and with each swallow he felt a surge of excitement that only drove his pulse to race faster. Every part of him shook as he felt Jock’s raw passion envelop him. He felt the desire and need clinging to the very beads of sweat that dotted his entire body and his robe was nothing but a massive weight of water soaked cloth. His body ached in ways he had never realized it could. The pain was so intense it felt like he would black out and yet it was also so sweet and inviting that he craved more.

Paul’s hips shot outwards, his hard erect penis digging hard into the rigid body in front and in return he felt the press of Jock’s own penis wedged firmly into the soft inner thigh of one leg. His body shook as his mind was overcome by the emotions from his soul. His hands grew numb and fell to rest around the firm cheeks of Jock’s buttocks. His eyes were glued tightly together as his lungs gasped for air. Jock’s mouth grew harder and he felt the puffing breath of Jock’s own breath filling his throat as a short strangled cry of pleasure assailed his deafened ear drums.

Just as the sound began to diminish he felt the cooling breeze of air across his face. Their lips had parted and suddenly his mouth was empty and his heart cried out for more just as the stinging heat came gushing past the hot flesh of his inner thighs. He felt the hard press of Jock’s body into his and the hard edge of the counter dug deeply into the small of Paul’s back.

It was over in a second but before he could catch his breath he felt the taller body suddenly sliding down his own heaving chest. He felt the hard rapid press of lips against his turning stomach, felt the warmth of the kisses on his belly and then in a flash his body was once more brought to the edge of excruciating pain & pleasure as Jocks’ mouth wrapped itself around the thick bulging head of Paul’s penis.

The sudden warmth and moisture made him cry out as his hands reached down to dig into the flesh on Jock’s shoulder. His fingers dug inwards as the pleasure surged into his body from his groin. His hips jerked forward as the blood drained from his body, rushing at break neck speed towards his groin. His lungs ached as he gasped for air and the heat became too much for him. Stars and bolts of blue mingled with purple and red passed in front of his closed eyes as he cried out, feeling the explosion coming from deep within his soul.

His body lurched forward and he felt the hard press of Jock’s mouth up against his pubic hairs. His body lost all strength as he surrendered to the overpowering passion that held him fixed against the counter. His toes curled and the nails dug deep into the hot flesh of the shoulders, digging so deep that he could feel the bone beneath. His voice cried out as he heaved forward and he felt the explosion shake him from the top of his head to the very souls of his feet.

The doubts and fears were gone for the moment as his body felt near collapse. He managed to pry open his eyes slightly as he heard a cough and felt his body slowly sinking to the floor. He opened them to see Jock next to him, his eyes glazed in a way he had never seen in another human before. There was a glint that made his heart skip a beat as he struggled to speak, instead all he could do was stare at the young man, a small dried whiteness on his chin showing him that barely a drop of his love had escaped the man’s lips.

He had no idea where they would go from this point, but Paul knew that as much as he feared the future, he couldn’t stop fate from taking him along a path he had long been avoiding. For his entire life he had avoided this but he knew deep down that his heart was no longer his own. That in this brief moment, this brief encounter he had surrendered to the passion that seemed to be all around them.

Sitting on the floor with him made him feel like he was only 15 or 16. The way his blood still boiled deep inside only made his doubts and fears evaporate in the steam filled bathroom. The tiles of the floor didn’t feel cold or hard, but where like a pillow of eider down as he reached out with his hand, to take Jock’s own hand. He held it on his lap and stared into the deep rich chocolate eyes that peered out at him.

There were so many obstacles ahead that it seemed insurmountable and yet looking at him, feeling the pulse of his heart Paul knew that they could manage. He knew it wouldn’t be easy yet it didn’t seem to matter as he felt the passion that flowed all around them.

Slowly he raised his hand to gently caress the younger face. His fingers moved lightly over the shivering cheeks as he let the man’s eyes hold his own. It was what his heart had been searching for and at last Paul had found the courage to seize the opportunity that had crossed his path. For now he didn’t care how long it would last, as long as it lasted for the moment.

You know, if you wanted me to join you in the shower, you could have just asked.

Jock smiled as he looked into Paul’s eyes. He reached out with his hand and took Paul’s, bringing it to his lips where he kissed it gently.

This seemed better.

The smile melted his heart as Jock stood up and still holding Paul’s hand, he helped him up to his feet. He kissed him softly this time on the lips then reached out to the small dish on the counter. He turned to look at Paul, the eyes searching and then with that gleam growing his hand picked up one of the small packages. His head turned briefly away, staring down at the package and then back up to gaze into Paul’s eyes.

With his hand firmly clutching at Paul’s, Jock moved away and led them both back to the open shower door. The sound of the spray echoed distantly as his heart thundered inside. He felt the warmth of the escaping steam and he could see it swirling around their bodies as he let his robe slip from his shoulders and body. He stood their naked next to Jock’s own nude body. In that instant he felt the passion rising up inside of him as Jock stepped over the railing into the wide shower enclosure, his hand still holding Paul’s. Jock turned to smile at Paul, as his body was slowly surrounded by the thin wisps of steam and in that instant Paul realized he had just won the biggest lottery of them all, he had finally won at the lottery of love.

Story - The Lottery (6)

The Lottery

Part 6

Paul stared at the people passing by as he sat on the small wooden bench in the town’s park. He enjoyed coming here and just watching. It gave him a bit of connection to the people and many would nod or smile as they passed him by. He had no illusion that many looked at him as a strange duck, not because he was gay but because with all his money he had chosen to live here in Arnold. Many of them couldn’t understand why he would leave a big city for the dull routine of a small town and to be honest, he wasn’t so sure himself.

He liked the life here, the slow pace and the fact that people took to calling everyone by their first name. He had lived here for only a few short months but already he was ‘Paul’ to most of the local businesses he frequented. The bank tellers all called him Paul and even the waiter at his favourite restaurant called him that. The clerks at the grocery store called him Paul and even the gas jockey at Matt’s Garage had finally felt safe enough to call him Paul.

It was a nice feeling really but at times it did feel rather hollow. He knew he came into town every Friday like this not because he had to, but because he enjoyed hearing a voice and seeing a face to put with it. Mark had been right, he had isolated himself from people which was easy to do in a big uncaring city, but it was just as easy to do in a small town too.

Ever since that party he hadn’t spoken to Mark Thayer. He felt sad at that and several times he had thought about calling him but he always put the phone back down or just never picked it up. What could he say to him? The words they had exchanged had left a mark, had even created a rift between them that Paul just didn’t know how to bridge. Worse though was that what he really wanted to ask was about Jock.

There too he felt at a loss. His heart ached each night when he would go into his library as he could still see the tall man standing by the shelves. He could still see the beaming smile on his face and yet he hadn’t called him, hadn’t even tried to get in touch with Jock. Course his mind would say that Jock hadn’t tried either, but why would he? He had been thrust into a situation by Mark which had been awkward. Besides, Jock was young and Paul was over the hill, an old man in age no matter what Mark Thayer might make of that.

No, as much as his mind might think Jock should have or could have called he knew in his heart that it should be him doing the calling. It was just that, well, he was old. He was 61 years of age and chasing after some 30 something man was preposterous. Mark was right, he couldn’t offer Jock anything but at best a few short years. It wouldn’t be fair to Jock so he avoided it by not calling him. That was his excuse and yet sitting on the bench every Friday afternoon he found his thoughts returning to Jock.

It was like reliving last summer and fall all over again he thought. The sleep at night always seemed to be restless, to be more exhausting than the day even after chopping wood. When he had moved up here he had gone many nights without dreaming of Jock or even thinking of him, but since that party Jock had once more invaded his dreams. It was becoming a worse obsession than before and Paul wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

Tommy had told him he should call him if he was feeling this way. Easy for him to say but damn what could he say? Okay, he had enjoyed their time together that afternoon, had been impressed really with Jock’s sensitivity and of course his love for reading had enamoured him in Paul’s eyes. Still he couldn’t just pick up the phone and invite him over for the weekend like Tommy urged, or could he?

For starters he wouldn’t know how to even begin the conversation. What was he supposed to say? Hi, I am the rich guy Mark embarrassed you in front of? He doubted if that would go over good and frankly that is exactly how it had been. There was no doubt that Jock had felt ashamed and embarrassed, so what could he say? Tommy suggested he invite him up to help stack new books in the shelves, but that felt too obvious to Paul. Least in his mind it was though Tommy thought it would work.

He wished he could get Jock out of his thoughts, wished he could either get up the nerve to phone him or get on with enjoying his remaining days. Naturally thinking like that seemed to also bring back that conversation with good old Mark Thayer. Damn him too for even saying half that stuff but sitting on the bench, Paul knew that part of it was true. Maybe that was why he had refused Mark’s offer to stay and clean up after the party, could also be why he hadn’t called Mark since and why he kept chickening out in calling Jock. He just wished he knew what to do, wished that for once he could get past being practical, being the pragmatist instead of the optimist.

Jason had told him that they were a good pair. When pressed he had said that he, Jason, was the one who could get Paul to move off the couch, to take a risk now & then while Paul was the one who would be there to catch him when he fell from whatever stunt he had tried. In retrospect Paul knew it had been true. Jason had been the one to go out, to incite even and he had dragged Paul with him many times. It was true to that when those forays out had turned bad or not worked out he had been the one to cool things down, to soothe the ruffled feathers.

It was like yesterday but it was 20 years ago when Jason knew he wouldn’t see another birthday that he had told Paul what his only regret in life had been. Two actually because the first one had been that he hadn’t met Paul earlier, so that they would have had more time being together. That statement had rocked him and even now he could feel the tears welling up inside of him. The words still rang out inside his head and made his heart ache with such pain that he felt like it would burst out from his chest. He hated that feeling and yet he also loved it. It meant that he was alive still inside, that he could feel.

The other thing that gnawed at him was that Jason had wished he could have gotten Paul to realize how wonderful life was, that he could have given Paul some of his outgoing nerve. It was the words that hurt because in some ways he felt like he had disappointed or let Jason down. He knew in his heart that he hadn’t, he knew that Jason had loved him for who he was, not who he might be, but in those last few months he also knew that Jason worried about him, about his future. He had told him not to grieve too long, told him that he should take the trips they had planned and remember him then, but he also told him to get out, to find someone who would make him enjoy life like he had.

It hurt to think that Jason worried about him when he was in such pain but that had been Jason. Oh sure they had their fights but to be honest most of them were about minor things. The only real serious battles had been about his reluctance to change his routine, to take new risks. Jason had wanted Paul to be active in life, and for his part Paul had argued that he was, just in different ways. Jason never really bought into that, and thinking back on it Paul knew that Jason had been right.

It was just that he never was comfortable meeting new people. He always felt like he wasn’t up to the standards or afraid that he couldn’t meet their expectations. It wasn’t rational but it was how he had felt. Jason didn’t quite believe that, to him he felt that Paul was simply afraid that he might actually enjoy it or perhaps be disappointed. In some ways Jason had thought that Paul was afraid to find out that life wasn’t always the way it was depicted in the books, that it wasn’t always dark or filled with tragedy. He also knew that Paul felt uneasy by mankind, felt unsure of his fellow man. He knew that wasn’t completely true still at times lately, he wondered about it.

Thinking about it brought back Mark’s words too. He had said that Paul used his books to escape life, not to enjoy the wonders detailed in the books. Course Mark hadn’t said it quite so nicely but that had been his intent. He didn’t believe it then but now, looking out at the milling people he wondered if perhaps it wasn’t true? Trouble was even if it was, it just seemed too late to turn back the clock. He was 61 years old now, why waste the time or effort in a fool’s errand?

Mr Taylor?

The voice startled him as he turned his head to stare at the tall young man standing by the park bench. He recognized him immediately and at the same time he noticed the reluctance, the hesitancy in the boy’s stance.

Chad… sorry I didn’t see you coming up.

Yes sir, uh, I brought you your truck, it’s uh all done.

Thank you, can I give you a lift back to the station?

Uh, no, that’s okay I’ll walk back.

Paul looked at the tall young boy from under his eyes. There was no doubting that Chad was a rugged handsome boy who would certainly turn anyone’s head. He had fine outdoor features, a soft tanned glow on his face already despite the grease under one eye. There was something about him that always gave Paul a small thrill. It wasn’t sexual either but more like, well like how he thought a grandparent would feel when seeing their grand son. Yet there was something reserved about Chad that had nagged at him and he could see it now, reflected in the blue eyes that normally shone.

Sure? I mean I have to go back to pay the bill.

Well, uh, if its not out of your way, I guess it’ll be okay.

He had been going to Matt’s garage since moving up to Arnold and Chad had been the gas jockey always attending to filling up the truck, cleaning the windows and checking under the hood. This had been his first service work and for whatever reason Chad seemed nervous suddenly. It wasn’t his usual self confident persona and for a moment or two Paul wondered if something was wrong, when it hit him. Chad was nervous to be alone in the truck with him.

It really didn’t seem possible that this 17 old kid, a star football & basketball player was afraid to be alone with him but that was the look. Paul felt like he was suddenly bathed in a spotlight. He wanted to turn around and see who was watching him, afraid they might all be staring when he knew that no one really was paying any attention, or where they? He felt a strange coldness inside, realizing that despite all the polite chit chat, all the cordial greetings, people still were afraid of him, even the town’s star athlete.

No problem, have to go & pay or they might come and take the truck away.

Huh? No, Matt wouldn’t do that, he knows you are… sorry, guess you were joking huh?

Yeah, not a very good one I suppose.

Paul realized that he was at his driveway without even having noticed the drive back from town. The whole incident with Chad had thrown him and he couldn’t explain it. He had thought that they had accepted him but in that one brief moment he had seen the fear in the boy’s face. He wasn’t sure if it was fear that he would try something or fear of what the boy’s friends would say if they saw him with Paul in his truck. Either way he suddenly felt out of place, felt for the first time since moving up here that he wasn’t really a part of the town nor that he would ever be accepted fully as a part of the local community.

It was a very strange & perplexing feeling really. Back in the city he had never really felt that way and maybe the last time he had felt so isolated, so glaringly different had been when he had been in college. It was when he had come to terms with who he was but now it all came back to him. The uncertainty and fear that someone might discover his secret, might find out that he was gay.

Okay he was younger then and to be honest, no one really seemed all that interested in him or cared whether he was straight or gay. Even back then he had pretty well kept to himself, had made himself invisible really. Once more Mark’s words came back to taunt him because he spent most of his college time either at the library or in his dorm room reading. Not all that he read was for class either but being gay wasn’t exactly something you openly discussed then. It wasn’t like it was now, but then had anything really changed?

He had made no secret of being gay. The papers had all covered that aspect of his life within the first few lines of telling the world of his lottery win. Still he had never looked at it as being a problem until now. Seeing the way Chad had looked or rather had avoided looking at him told him more than any words ever could. The whole drive back to the gas station had been of awkward silence and he had barely stopped the truck before Chad had bolted out the door.

Okay maybe he was reading more into it, after all there was a customer at the pumps still the boy seemed relieved to be out and away from him. Even the owner of the garage looked relieved when Chad went bounding to the pumps. It was like he had been worrying too, wondering if this rich queer might run true to form, run true to the so called image that always made the news, the one about the old man chasing the younger boys.

Paul had taken their acceptance for granted, that was what perhaps irked him the most and scared him too. He was certain there were other gays around, law of averages said there had to be and yet none had shown themselves. None had come out of the mountains or up from the valley to welcome him. For all he knew, he really was the only gay person in the whole area and now it frightened him. Maybe he had made a mistake in coming up here?

His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he could see Chad’s face once more. The way he kept his hands on his lap, the way he avoided looking directly at Paul. It all fit now and he hated the feeling it gave him. It was like somehow he was dirty, like he had some terrible illness that Chad was afraid of catching. It brought back memories of the 50’s and 60’s that had played out on television when he was a kid. The way white men would look at black men.

The way they had that look of mistrust, of disdain even had always surprised him. The way that black men had stared back had always made him uncomfortable too. Now he recognized that look, for it was the same look that Chad had on his face. It was one of fear, one of hatred too but not for the same reasons as back then. Now it was hatred for something beyond just a colour of skin. Paul shivered a little at the realization that people could feel hatred for him simply because he was different.

All sorts of weird thoughts had passed thru his mind as he had driven home. He never really had been a victim of bullying or homophobia and so in some ways this was kind of a shock to his system. Back in San Francisco there had been people who would stare at two guys walking hand in hand but that was generally the worst of it. It was normal to see guys kissing in the park or holding hands. To him his entire adult life had been sheltered from the rest of the world. To him he had matured as a gay man in a city that was gay friendly, far more gay friendly than any other but he had seen those looks there too.

Paul hadn’t thought that he had given anyone, least of all Chad, any reason to assume he was some deviant. It wasn’t like he had gone around in bright rainbow coloured outfits or talked in a high pitched feminine voice either. So why the fear of him? Why did the owner of the garage appear so relieved only after Chad had left the truck? He knew the answer was simply that they didn’t know any better. They had bought into the frothing of the religious right, had bought into the media hype that always brought out the worst of any group when one had done wrong.

It really was no different today than it had been 50 years ago. He could still recall the angry words from politicians and from men of god when a black man had been caught with a white girl. The vile hatred that had spewed out of their mouths then was no different than now. Only difference was that instead of ‘black’ put in ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’. Paul felt a chill in his bones as he stared at the road ahead.

All sorts of strange notions rushed through his mind as he wheeled the truck into the driveway, barely seeing the road until he turned to come into the clearing in front of the house. He felt a lurch in his heart as his foot went to the brakes to stop the truck from careening into the old pale blue beat up Datsun that was in front of him. His eyes became slightly glazed as he saw the car door open and there he stood, once more surprising him, once more making his heart skip several beats.

Paul sat there for a full minute before he opened the door and stepped out to greet his visitor. The apprehension from his encounter with Chad didn’t disappear, instead it seemed heighten by the sudden appearance of Jock. It was like something had suddenly taken charge over his life, as if some weird force had decided to come and intervene in his quiet self imposed exile.

Jock… this is a surprise…

Hi, uh, I am sorry for uh, for showing up without phoning first.. I didn’t… I mean…

He could feel the anxiety as if it was something physical coming from Jock. Paul ached for the man’s obvious discomfort as his own mind reeled from his sudden appearance. In one way it was like a gift and yet in another it appeared foreboding, as if something horrible was about to befall him.

No, no its fine, I am glad you decided to come up. Uh, nothing is wrong is it?

Huh? Oh, no… no not really, I just… I mean I had no classes this afternoon and I, I uh well, I felt like a drive and well, I sort of wound up here… if its not a good time to visit…

Okay, calm down he tried to tell himself. It wasn’t like Jock had planned this, he had simply found himself in the neighbourhood but even as Paul tried to use that logic he knew it wasn’t true. No one drove that distance by chance. Still it did feel good to see him there despite the fear that was raging inside of him. God why now he thought as he tried to smile, to reassure the man.

It’s fine Jock, this is really a nice surprise… please, come on in… you been waiting long? I mean…

Not really, hour or two I guess.

I am sorry, I didn’t…

My fault, I should have phoned first, but… well I didn’t know I was going to make it up here actually… you sure it’s okay? I don’t want to impose or anything…

No, no imposition at all… come on in.

Walking into the house he could smell the shampoo scent on Jock and also something else, it was a scent of fear really. He wasn’t certain why but it was no different than the smell he had noticed sitting in his truck with Chad on the way back to the garage. He was feeling a bit bewildered by the swift change of fortune and he stumbled a little over the step, and the touch of Jock’s hand on his arm made him shudder.

You okay?

Uh yeah fine, thanks.

He was lying thru his teeth but he tried desperately to hang on. His ankle hurt a bit but the sensation he had gotten from Jock’s firm grip on his arm was still racing up and down inside of him. Paul felt like some damn teenager that had just been touched by the person of his dreams. The fact that it was that didn’t alter that Paul wasn’t 15 or 16 anymore but was 61. How could he feel this way at his age? It didn’t make sense but then nothing was normal today and this was just one more incident to confuse his already troubled thoughts.

He tossed his keys onto the small table by the door and gestured for Jock to go ahead of him. Paul noticed how tentative Jock seemed and once more he was struck by how much he was smitten by the man. His eyes couldn’t seem to get enough of the tall handsome figure and his heart was doing cartwheels inside his chest. He coughed a little as Jock stopped and stared at the wide open living room.

Guess they didn’t do too much damage huh?

Damage? Who.. oh from the party… uh.. no, nothing a good mopping and waxing didn’t take care of.

I wanted to come and help you clean up.

There was a sense of sadness about Jock that made Paul feel apprehensive. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something was troubling Jock. Worse was that it seemed to matter to Paul more than he could fathom. He wished he could just hold him, but he was afraid of scaring him off.

Well, uh, that’s okay, I managed.

I should have.

Why?

I don’t know… you were kind to me that day, and… well I bolted out of here, it wasn’t right.

His own heart was aching from the obvious pain that Jock was feeling. He felt lost a little as he tried to figure out what was on the man’s mind. It hurt that he felt so powerless, so helpless and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to press, to push for answers. Instead he tried to reassure the man despite his own feelings of apprehension & fear.

I didn’t think you bolted, and I enjoyed the time we spent, you uh.. Jock, you okay? I mean… I know its none of my business but…

I wish it was… sorry, I am a bit… school ends in two weeks, and I guess it’s just finally hitting me.

Yes, end of a term is always tough, you feel so out of place but then before you can get too lost its time to start planning for next term…

Not for me, I can’t find a place, least not for teaching. I did get an offer from a nice restaurant though, so at least I’ll have a job.

He understood the feeling that Jock was experiencing. When teaching was your passion to suddenly be faced with losing it, it took something out of you. Still his mind was rebelling at the surge of compassion welling up from his heart. He could hear the nagging voice of mistrust trying to be heard but his heart was refusing. Jock wasn’t that type, he wasn’t like the others and yet still the voice wouldn’t be silenced totally.

I am sorry, I thought you would find another position.

I thought so too, guess my ex is too much for the school board.

I am sorry for that, what about in a different district?

No, I think maybe a break from teaching isn’t so bad of an idea… sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you down. Guess I am just… hell I don’t know what I am.

It’s okay, we all have those kind of days.

Do you?

Yeah, more than I care to admit sometimes.

Strange isn’t it?

What?

I feel like I can tell you anything yet…

Yet what?

Yet… yet even though inside I know I can, I keep stumbling over it.

Well, I don’t bite if that is what worries you.

No, I guess it’s me, I sometimes think I was born in a closet and am too afraid to open the door. Shoot, that didn’t sound right.

Paul had heard that kind of line many times before. It was common and yet hearing it from Jock didn’t make him pull back. He could see that Jock meant it, that he really did feel a sort of connection but that it frightened him. Hell, he had to admit that he too questioned his own feelings that way. It was sort of as if he was seeing a younger version of himself.

He peered closely at the young man standing next to him. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes either. Paul felt the tug on his heart from the way Jock’s eyes seemed so pained, so filled with trepidation and he knew that it had taken a lot of courage for him to just come here. In some ways it was flattering, in other ways it wasn’t.

How had he let himself project such a rigid image of himself? He didn’t think he was, in fact he kind of thought of himself as being rather easy going, flexible really yet he could see the terror in Jock’s face. Okay, part of that was Jock’s inexperience but part was his fault too. It wasn’t that he was mean, just that people mistook his shyness as being aloof.

He sighed a little as he let his body relax. Paul was as nervous as Jock but it was up to him to put the young man at ease. Some instinct inside told him that this was his chance and as much as his mind wanted to slow it down, his heart had managed to gain control. His voice was a bit shaky but he was determined this time around to not let the opportunity slip by.

Actually, I think I know exactly what you mean. It is, well, it’s how I am too I suppose, least if you ask Mr Thayer he’ll say so. I guess we get in a particular comfort zone and are too content to go outside that zone, even though we may want to.

Mark said that about you?

Not in those words but yeah, he thinks I hide behind my books.

Damn, that’s what he said about me. Said I was a bookworm who lived in the books instead of in the real world.

Sounds like typical Mark Thayer off the cuff comment.

He’s right… least about me. I do prefer the books over him or anyone else really, ‘cept for that afternoon when I was here. Guess that’s kind of why I am here.

I don’t follow… I mean, uh look why don’t we sit down? Would you like something to drink? Glass of wine maybe?

Yeah… oh no, I better not. Have to drive and last thing I need is a DUI.

Drive? Oh back to the city?

Yeah.

His mind was shouting warnings right, left, and centre but all Paul could think of was that this was his chance, perhaps his last chance to try and seize the dreams that had haunted him for almost a year now. He couldn’t just acquiesce, not now, not without some effort.

It was scary to think that he would have to say something, that he would have to risk the rejection that his mind was certain would come, but he had to take that chance. He knew that if he didn’t, his nights would become intolerable and worse, that he would wind up locked up in this huge house alone forever.

Why don’t you stay here? I mean it is late and well… I mean… we could have dinner and talk, if you want, that is… I don’t want to push…

I’d like that, I just don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I mean I wanted to come back before, it is just, well… you are rich…

So?

I didn’t want you to think, I mean, well you can have whoever you want and all, I just didn’t want you to think I was… well, what’s the word, uh, gold digger?

There it was out in the open for him to accept, worry about, or ignore. His mind was yelling but the thundering voice from deep inside was louder. He knew deep down inside that whatever Jock might be, a gold digger wasn’t one of them. His mind asked him how he knew and for the life of him he didn’t have an answer other than he just knew it. He could feel it each time he looked at Jock. There was no ulterior motives or guile in the man. He was as he appeared, a tall handsome man who was struggling with just living. It was just how he himself had been, still was in some respects.

I don’t think that.

I am not, I mean… I am not good at this, I don’t know what to say, Mark says I am worried about what people think of me… I am not really, well I am, but only about certain people.. I ramble too… I don’t want to make a bad impression… I think I should go…

It was now or never, he knew that as he saw the frightened and dejected look crossing Jock’s face. His heart skipped a beat as he felt panic at first, then from somewhere long since forgotten he found the courage to stand tall. Paul knew that he couldn’t let it go, that somehow he had to find the words and the voice to give Jock what he needed, to give him the sign that he himself had been searching for.

NO! No please… look I am not good at this either Jock, been a long time since anyone ever got my interest like you have…

Me?

Yes you… I have wanted to call you so many times…

Why didn’t you?

Same reason I guess that you didn’t… sorry that sounded catty… I guess because I was afraid you would be offended by some old geezer chasing after you…

You aren’t old… least you don’t look or act old.

Mark would disagree with you.

Mark isn’t me, and I know there is an age thing, but I don’t know… I feel more alive, no that’s not the word, more free around you. It is like, well, like you can see what I mean beyond what I say… if that makes sense… Christ I feel like I am back in high school.

The way Jock’s jaw grew firm as he crossed Mark’s opinion off into thin air excited him. He hadn’t seen that look before but it made his heart feel warm. It was like there was a whole different person before him in a flash and then just as quickly another appeared. There was once more the hesitant boy, but with a difference this time around. For that split second Paul felt like maybe his heart was right, maybe this time Jock wouldn’t leave.

Haha, funny because that’s how I feel too. Giddy and nervous and scared.

Really? Strange isn’t it?

Sort of, guess part of that is from being a recluse. I suppose in some ways Mark was right, I have hidden behind the books, kind of sounds like you and me share that trait…

Does, doesn’t it?

So, red or white wine?

You sure it’s okay?

He could feel the shift in moods. It was like a weight had suddenly been lifted just a little off both of their shoulders. Paul wasn’t sure where this would go, but inside he knew that he couldn’t relax, that he couldn’t go back to the state of solitude he had imposed on himself without giving it his all. In a strange and frightening way he knew too that Jock had come to that same point, that same cross roads.

I am sure

Red please.

Okay, one red it is, uh, Jock?

Yes?

I am glad you found your way here tonight.

Funny, I was just feeling that way too.

Story - The Lottery (5)

The Lottery

Part 5

Paul stared out at the people in his living room. His eyes moved along the sprawled figures laying out on the floor as he tried to put things into perspective. The whole night had been one of disappointment and yet relief too. Jock had left shortly after Mark’s arrival and in some ways Paul felt relieved.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted Jock to stay but then he did want to have to sit in the library or anywhere knowing that Mark would be pawing Jock’s young body either. There was no reason for him to feel jealous, after all Jock was Mark’s latest. Still he knew it would eat at him and so when Jock came to say good bye he felt relieved. Still there was something about that farewell that made him think. It was sort of like Jock hadn’t really wanted to leave, but that somehow he had sensed Paul’s reluctance to have him stay.

Funny how he kept having these thoughts about Jock. Granting Jock the ability to have read his mind or know how he was feeling was just bizarre if not downright wishful thinking. How could any man know what he was feeling in such a short time, yet he felt that Jock had. He couldn’t shake that notion and so far the evening had proven to be what he had expected.

Mark had been in rare form, more than likely from some pills he had popped before arriving. Yet there was something about Mark that made Paul wonder if he really knew him. It wasn’t anything specific, just the way he looked or glanced at him now & then. At times Mark Thayer could prove to be most astute but it was a rare occurrence or so Paul thought. Still there was no denying that throughout the evening he would find Mark staring over at him. It was like he knew but how could he? It wasn’t like he was carrying a sign and he had stayed out of the way once the so called guests began arriving.

Looking at the room he felt a bit disgusted. It hadn’t taken long before many of the so called friends were shucking their shirts and while he enjoyed staring at those flat stomachs and bare chests of men in their pride, they just didn’t seem to do much for him in a physical way. It was as if he was merely watching some odd television show or something. It seemed all so pointless to him as he saw men in their prime strutting around with drinks in hand and cigarettes dangling from their mouths as they tried to move in on one or another.

It was a part of gay life that he never quite grew accustomed to. How could anyone parade around in bikini briefs in front of perfect strangers like some of them did? He just couldn’t accept that but then he was smart enough to realize that it also didn’t necessarily define who they were. It was all an act, a show of what he supposed they felt was needed. Maybe it was even a release from the restrictions placed on them by a homophobic society but he cursed himself as his mind tried to make sense out of the blatant exhibitionism.

What did it matter really to him? As long as Jock wasn’t one of them he didn’t really care and from what he had seen, he knew that Jock wasn’t one of them. He doubted very much if Jock would even be the type who would undress in the bright glare of a bedroom light never mind in the full glare and gaze of strangers.

It was a strange scenario really as he stood there thinking about it all. There were some pretty good looking young men, some older some younger than Jock and yet to his minds eye they were no where near the handsome figure that Jock was, fully clothed too. It amazed him that he could feel so calculating about seeing nearly naked men parading around without even a small twinge in his groin, yet the mere thought of seeing Jock would give him a hard on that actually hurt.

Paul knew he loved sex, enjoyed it still despite his 61 years of age and if anything, his European trip showed him that he could still hold his own in that department. Yet knowing it didn’t really seem all that important to him. It wasn’t that he found men less attractive because they had a hard stomach or firm nipples. It didn’t seem to matter too much that they had a cut or uncut penis, or whether it was long or thick or whatever. None of that seemed to really weigh in anymore and even his dreams about Jock didn’t seem to dwell on how well he might or might not be endowed.

He sighed, recalling that smile, the way the rich dark chocolate eyes would shimmer when something pleased him. That is what turned his head, that is what made his heart skip a beat or two. Then too there was the look, the way the head would tilt as he read the spine of a book or how his face would light up and just radiate that made Paul’s heart freeze in utter fascination. All of that made up his dreams, his thoughts of Jock and yet he had spent no more than a few hours in the man’s company. Either he was getting senile or perhaps there really was such a thing as fate, as kismet.

In many ways he found himself comparing Jock to Jason. Both of them had their first names starting with the letter ‘J’ but the similarities seemed to end there. Jason was by far more outgoing than Jock seemed to be. As well he knew that Jason was much more comfortable in being gay than Jock. Perhaps it was that which attracted him to Jock? Jason had been shorter but then he had that same look didn’t he? He had seen flashes of it during his brief time talking to Jock, the way the whole body could suddenly become animated as something caught his fancy or drove his passion. Jason had been like that, a fireball in every sense of the word really.

Strange, he had always been the shy one between the two of them. It had been Jason who had really pursued him in a fashion and when they fought, it hadn’t been about him not standing up. Yet here he was now finding himself drawn to another who felt the shame and guilt of being gay. Paul knew that for the most part he was over his own sense of shame, his own sense of guilt at being so different than the rest of society but there were still remnants left to haunt him. It had happened on his trip and he had faced coming up to Arnold with a lot of trepidation, still he had come here, hadn’t he? So maybe there was hope for Jock too?

A sip of his wine brought him back to the present. His eyes once more moved across the room and he felt a sense of loneliness that he hadn’t really noticed before. He wondered what Jock would be doing now, hell he had been tempted to suggest that Jock call to say he had gotten back to the city safe. Like he was some mother hen or something but somehow it bothered him that he wouldn’t know.

Not really your style is it Paul?

Paul turned to see Mark Thayer standing near him and he wondered how he had missed seeing him coming up. He felt a bit badly because he had deliberately been avoiding engaging in any conversation with Mark since his arrival. It wasn’t that he was angry at him, just that he didn’t want to risk blurting anything out.

No, but you have always known that.

Yeah, suppose so. Guess intimate dinner parties and a seat at the theatre are more your style.

Yes it is, they can be entertaining you know, they aren’t as dull or boring as you make it sound.

No, I guess, but then that just isn’t me, now is it?

He really didn’t feel like discussing this with Mark. Yet there was a strange lilt to Mark’s voice as he had spoken. It was almost wistful in some ways but then more than likely it was simply Mark taunting. He did enjoy doing that at times and he really didn’t feel like getting into it with him. Why couldn’t he just go and enjoy his party instead of having to come and torment him?

That’s for certain. And what happens when you can no longer attract or participate in this type of entertainment, Mark? What then?

I couldn’t say Paul, doubt even if I’ll ever reach the age when that will be something I’ll have to even think about.

Typical Mark he thought. He never really did look beyond the latest fling or next party. All he ever really cared about was who was hot and who could he bed that night. In some ways Mark could pass as the model for that Brian character in Queer As Folk, but then even that character had some redeeming qualities. For the life him, right now Paul just couldn’t think of anything redeeming about Mark’s lifestyle.

It irritated him that here was Mark, with basically it all. He had a good job, made good money and more than that, he had his youth. He had what Paul wished he had in some ways. The self confidence to go out and meet new people and engage them. Mark was a charmer something Paul knew he wasn’t. Still it pissed him off that a guy like Mark could attract someone like Jock and not even realize how much it meant. God he would give anything to be able to reach out to someone like Jock. Mark on the other hand treated it so casually that it really got Paul’s dander up. Now here he was trying to play the poor downtrodden misunderstood queer. God it was enough to make a person puke.

Oh come on, you are healthy, young, what makes you think you won’t reach old age? Eventually we all have to grow up Mark, even you.

It’s not in the genes Paul, you know that. Still it is something I do think about on rare occasions, but what’s the use? Life is what it is, and I merely want to enjoy it now, later, well later can take care of itself then, if and when.

You still on that kick are you?

Kick? No Paul, I know you think of me as being shallow but this isn’t a kick, its being realistic. My family never lives to ripe old ages, for generations now, why should I be any different?

It wasn’t a conversation that was new to Paul yet the way Mark spoke was different than he had ever recalled before. There was a sense of finality about it that troubled him in a strange way. For the most part Mark was right, he did think of him as being a bit shallow, hell a lot actually but then he chalked it up to Mark simply being immature for his age. He never really did give him much credit for having any sense of values or responsibility. It was kind of a shock to think that perhaps there was something after all to Mark Thayer.

I don’t know, seems all a bit fatalistic to me.

You know in your own way you are an eternal optimist Paul, guess its one reason why I like you.

Oh? Is that the reason, and here I thought it was simply you taking pity on an old bald man.

You always were self depreciating Paul, it used to tick me off no end. You just don’t see yourself the way others do, or maybe you just don’t let yourself. You know, you don’t have to be alone all the time, there are nice guys out there.

Paul felt strangely uneasy about how the conversation was going. This wasn’t the Mark Thayer he was used to and yet in all the years that they had known each other, you could count on one hand the serious discussions. To be having such a talk in the middle of one of Mark’s orgies was to say the least, unusual.

It also was unusual and even bizarre for Mark to be so blunt so early. Mark did enjoy getting his digs in but they were usually veiled ones, never quite so blunt. One thing about Mark was he knew how to twist a person’s tail without really getting them too pissed off. He never risked that especially if he felt that person could be of use to him. For him to be this way now was different, it put him at risk, it made him vulnerable and that just wasn’t Mark’s style.

If he had known one thing about Mark it was his innate ability to cover his own ass. He never let himself become vulnerable to attack. Mark was the party boy, the one who always had a good time so this was out of character for him. Maybe he had indeed taken a new drug or something? Paul felt apprehensive as he tried to figure out just what was Mark’s game.

Now you are a councillor on relations? When did you change jobs to being a matchmaker?

Yeah I know, I come across as a whore, maybe in some ways I am. I enjoy random sex, I enjoy the carefree life free of any commitment or so I tell myself, but you are in some ways just as bad. You stand back and refuse to join in the party, so really aren’t you and me really the same?

The notion that he and Mark were the same was not only repugnant to him but it was insulting. His face grew taut and his voice became chilled as he stared blankly at Mark Thayer. For whatever reason he felt that Mark was trying to goad him, and for a brief moment he felt like just smashing his fist into Mark’s face. How dare he compare him to himself? Mark was right, he was a whore and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to commit, it was simply he didn’t know how and even if he did know how he wasn’t interested in it because it would mean having to do something that Mark Thayer never could do. It would mean sharing, it would mean letting someone else be the top dog. Mark would never do that, it just wasn’t in him.

The same? Come on, how can we be similar?

Easy Paul, at the end of the night we still wind up being alone.

Paul felt the blood draining from his face. His cheeks were drawn but Mark’s word stung deeply. He felt like retaliating in some childish fashion. How dare this self proclaimed whore even think they could be the same, have the same motives? It was not only rude but inconsiderate. He regretted ever agreeing to having this party even more so now and yet even as his anger seemed to almost burst free, he had to admit deep down that part of what he had said was true. He did wind up alone most nights, but it was different than Mark.

Okay, he didn’t go out all that much and coming home alone wasn’t because he was picky or too choosey either. He wanted to come home to someone, but it had to be to someone that he cared for, someone that cared back. Mark on the other hand wasn’t interested in that. Instead he was only interested in how good the fuck was, how good the guy could suck him off and please his physical needs. That type of desire, of need would never last and in his opinion could never be the basis for a long term relationship.

So how could he be the same? Okay yes he and Mark perhaps did share the final result, that they both ended up alone, but it was for different reasons. Surely that had to count for something, but then did it? Final analysis was the same in that they did both wind up alone. The realization of that cooled some of his outrage as he stared closer at Mark.

And that bothers you? You are surprising me Mark, I always thought you wanted to be alone, to have no attachments.

Paul noticed the distant look deep down into Mark’s dark green eyes. He had never noticed how the colours changed as you stared at them and yet Mark seemed to be off somewhere else, almost as if he was having this conversation with himself instead of with Paul. It felt very strange really because to him Mark was simply a kid who had yet to grow up. To find out that there was more to the man than his insatiable need to screw every stud under 35 was disconcerting. Yet as Mark stared back at him, Paul could see that somehow his remarks had struck a nerve. He actually thought he saw Mark feel sadden by his comment which wasn’t what one expected from Mark Thayer.

Yes well you of all people should know that looks can be deceiving… I suppose though its fair to say that’s how I want people to think of me, after all it is my image isn’t it?

Yes it is…

Yes… but I always thought you were smarter than that Paul, I thought you could see beyond the image, the persona…

He was suddenly feeling very confused by the turn of events. Was this really Mark Thayer? When did he become so deep, so filled with a greater sense of understanding than anyone could have ever imagined? It just didn’t fit and he had known Mark for some time now. This was new or was it? Paul couldn’t be sure but at the back of his mind he wondered why had he ever stuck with Mark as a friend? Had he somehow seen something but failed to recognize it or had it been wishful thinking?

At times… I mean…

It is okay Paul. I am good at what I do, whether its selling new found millionaires their dream homes or confounding & confusing my friends. I am good at it, but you are right to a point. I don’t want attachments but not for the reason you and everyone else thinks.

Well, yes you are good at what you do Mark, but why hide the real you? And as for why you don’t want attachments, well you do tend to make it rather clear, don’t see how anyone could mistake that.

Mistake it? No, if all you are interested in is a reason that fits your judgement of me and my life. Funny isn’t it Paul? I mean you are the one who has spent a lifetime having a love affair with a piece of paper that supposedly guides our whole country & yet you can’t see beyond the words, just as you can’t see beyond my actions.

Paul stared at Mark with a quizzical look. It had taken him completely by surprise this entire conversation. Yes he didn’t look beyond Mark’s actions, and for a second or two he felt like replying that actions spoke louder than words but there was something in Mark’s tone that made him bite back the angry retort. He wasn’t sure what it was, but somehow he felt on the defensive, as if all he had thought was being assailed. Mark’s reference to the constitution was a prime one, designed to hit him where it hurt and yet in some ways it made sense too. After all, interpreting that relatively small piece of paper was a lifetime vocation for many people over the last 200 odd years. Still it rankled that somehow he had missed something in Mark, and worse that Mark had fully expected him not to have missed it.

Look Mark, let’s not get into a fight tonight, this is your party and…

I suppose, but just for the record, you are wrong about me Paul, I avoid attachments not because I can’t share or can’t be second banana, I avoid them for the same reasons you do. As hard as that is for you to believe, but come on, admit it, that’s what you think of me, that I am just too shallow to play second fiddle, isn’t it?

Okay, since you ask, yes it is how I feel. I mean that is how you act, that is what you have stated so many times that it is like a mantra really.

Funny, it is a mantra, a way of keeping everyone clear, but I thought you could see beyond that. Bet you never knew I had a secret crush for you either.

At first he thought Mark was simply having him on. That whatever drugs he had been doing had made him melancholy or something but the more Mark spoke, the more he began to doubt that. Could Mark be right, could it really be that he missed seeing the real person beneath the façade? After all he was supposed to be astute, well learned in things like intent and all, so how could he of all people have missed all this? It just didn’t seem possible but yet with each