Story - The Lottery (6)

The Lottery

Part 6

Paul stared at the people passing by as he sat on the small wooden bench in the town’s park. He enjoyed coming here and just watching. It gave him a bit of connection to the people and many would nod or smile as they passed him by. He had no illusion that many looked at him as a strange duck, not because he was gay but because with all his money he had chosen to live here in Arnold. Many of them couldn’t understand why he would leave a big city for the dull routine of a small town and to be honest, he wasn’t so sure himself.

He liked the life here, the slow pace and the fact that people took to calling everyone by their first name. He had lived here for only a few short months but already he was ‘Paul’ to most of the local businesses he frequented. The bank tellers all called him Paul and even the waiter at his favourite restaurant called him that. The clerks at the grocery store called him Paul and even the gas jockey at Matt’s Garage had finally felt safe enough to call him Paul.

It was a nice feeling really but at times it did feel rather hollow. He knew he came into town every Friday like this not because he had to, but because he enjoyed hearing a voice and seeing a face to put with it. Mark had been right, he had isolated himself from people which was easy to do in a big uncaring city, but it was just as easy to do in a small town too.

Ever since that party he hadn’t spoken to Mark Thayer. He felt sad at that and several times he had thought about calling him but he always put the phone back down or just never picked it up. What could he say to him? The words they had exchanged had left a mark, had even created a rift between them that Paul just didn’t know how to bridge. Worse though was that what he really wanted to ask was about Jock.

There too he felt at a loss. His heart ached each night when he would go into his library as he could still see the tall man standing by the shelves. He could still see the beaming smile on his face and yet he hadn’t called him, hadn’t even tried to get in touch with Jock. Course his mind would say that Jock hadn’t tried either, but why would he? He had been thrust into a situation by Mark which had been awkward. Besides, Jock was young and Paul was over the hill, an old man in age no matter what Mark Thayer might make of that.

No, as much as his mind might think Jock should have or could have called he knew in his heart that it should be him doing the calling. It was just that, well, he was old. He was 61 years of age and chasing after some 30 something man was preposterous. Mark was right, he couldn’t offer Jock anything but at best a few short years. It wouldn’t be fair to Jock so he avoided it by not calling him. That was his excuse and yet sitting on the bench every Friday afternoon he found his thoughts returning to Jock.

It was like reliving last summer and fall all over again he thought. The sleep at night always seemed to be restless, to be more exhausting than the day even after chopping wood. When he had moved up here he had gone many nights without dreaming of Jock or even thinking of him, but since that party Jock had once more invaded his dreams. It was becoming a worse obsession than before and Paul wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

Tommy had told him he should call him if he was feeling this way. Easy for him to say but damn what could he say? Okay, he had enjoyed their time together that afternoon, had been impressed really with Jock’s sensitivity and of course his love for reading had enamoured him in Paul’s eyes. Still he couldn’t just pick up the phone and invite him over for the weekend like Tommy urged, or could he?

For starters he wouldn’t know how to even begin the conversation. What was he supposed to say? Hi, I am the rich guy Mark embarrassed you in front of? He doubted if that would go over good and frankly that is exactly how it had been. There was no doubt that Jock had felt ashamed and embarrassed, so what could he say? Tommy suggested he invite him up to help stack new books in the shelves, but that felt too obvious to Paul. Least in his mind it was though Tommy thought it would work.

He wished he could get Jock out of his thoughts, wished he could either get up the nerve to phone him or get on with enjoying his remaining days. Naturally thinking like that seemed to also bring back that conversation with good old Mark Thayer. Damn him too for even saying half that stuff but sitting on the bench, Paul knew that part of it was true. Maybe that was why he had refused Mark’s offer to stay and clean up after the party, could also be why he hadn’t called Mark since and why he kept chickening out in calling Jock. He just wished he knew what to do, wished that for once he could get past being practical, being the pragmatist instead of the optimist.

Jason had told him that they were a good pair. When pressed he had said that he, Jason, was the one who could get Paul to move off the couch, to take a risk now & then while Paul was the one who would be there to catch him when he fell from whatever stunt he had tried. In retrospect Paul knew it had been true. Jason had been the one to go out, to incite even and he had dragged Paul with him many times. It was true to that when those forays out had turned bad or not worked out he had been the one to cool things down, to soothe the ruffled feathers.

It was like yesterday but it was 20 years ago when Jason knew he wouldn’t see another birthday that he had told Paul what his only regret in life had been. Two actually because the first one had been that he hadn’t met Paul earlier, so that they would have had more time being together. That statement had rocked him and even now he could feel the tears welling up inside of him. The words still rang out inside his head and made his heart ache with such pain that he felt like it would burst out from his chest. He hated that feeling and yet he also loved it. It meant that he was alive still inside, that he could feel.

The other thing that gnawed at him was that Jason had wished he could have gotten Paul to realize how wonderful life was, that he could have given Paul some of his outgoing nerve. It was the words that hurt because in some ways he felt like he had disappointed or let Jason down. He knew in his heart that he hadn’t, he knew that Jason had loved him for who he was, not who he might be, but in those last few months he also knew that Jason worried about him, about his future. He had told him not to grieve too long, told him that he should take the trips they had planned and remember him then, but he also told him to get out, to find someone who would make him enjoy life like he had.

It hurt to think that Jason worried about him when he was in such pain but that had been Jason. Oh sure they had their fights but to be honest most of them were about minor things. The only real serious battles had been about his reluctance to change his routine, to take new risks. Jason had wanted Paul to be active in life, and for his part Paul had argued that he was, just in different ways. Jason never really bought into that, and thinking back on it Paul knew that Jason had been right.

It was just that he never was comfortable meeting new people. He always felt like he wasn’t up to the standards or afraid that he couldn’t meet their expectations. It wasn’t rational but it was how he had felt. Jason didn’t quite believe that, to him he felt that Paul was simply afraid that he might actually enjoy it or perhaps be disappointed. In some ways Jason had thought that Paul was afraid to find out that life wasn’t always the way it was depicted in the books, that it wasn’t always dark or filled with tragedy. He also knew that Paul felt uneasy by mankind, felt unsure of his fellow man. He knew that wasn’t completely true still at times lately, he wondered about it.

Thinking about it brought back Mark’s words too. He had said that Paul used his books to escape life, not to enjoy the wonders detailed in the books. Course Mark hadn’t said it quite so nicely but that had been his intent. He didn’t believe it then but now, looking out at the milling people he wondered if perhaps it wasn’t true? Trouble was even if it was, it just seemed too late to turn back the clock. He was 61 years old now, why waste the time or effort in a fool’s errand?

Mr Taylor?

The voice startled him as he turned his head to stare at the tall young man standing by the park bench. He recognized him immediately and at the same time he noticed the reluctance, the hesitancy in the boy’s stance.

Chad… sorry I didn’t see you coming up.

Yes sir, uh, I brought you your truck, it’s uh all done.

Thank you, can I give you a lift back to the station?

Uh, no, that’s okay I’ll walk back.

Paul looked at the tall young boy from under his eyes. There was no doubting that Chad was a rugged handsome boy who would certainly turn anyone’s head. He had fine outdoor features, a soft tanned glow on his face already despite the grease under one eye. There was something about him that always gave Paul a small thrill. It wasn’t sexual either but more like, well like how he thought a grandparent would feel when seeing their grand son. Yet there was something reserved about Chad that had nagged at him and he could see it now, reflected in the blue eyes that normally shone.

Sure? I mean I have to go back to pay the bill.

Well, uh, if its not out of your way, I guess it’ll be okay.

He had been going to Matt’s garage since moving up to Arnold and Chad had been the gas jockey always attending to filling up the truck, cleaning the windows and checking under the hood. This had been his first service work and for whatever reason Chad seemed nervous suddenly. It wasn’t his usual self confident persona and for a moment or two Paul wondered if something was wrong, when it hit him. Chad was nervous to be alone in the truck with him.

It really didn’t seem possible that this 17 old kid, a star football & basketball player was afraid to be alone with him but that was the look. Paul felt like he was suddenly bathed in a spotlight. He wanted to turn around and see who was watching him, afraid they might all be staring when he knew that no one really was paying any attention, or where they? He felt a strange coldness inside, realizing that despite all the polite chit chat, all the cordial greetings, people still were afraid of him, even the town’s star athlete.

No problem, have to go & pay or they might come and take the truck away.

Huh? No, Matt wouldn’t do that, he knows you are… sorry, guess you were joking huh?

Yeah, not a very good one I suppose.

Paul realized that he was at his driveway without even having noticed the drive back from town. The whole incident with Chad had thrown him and he couldn’t explain it. He had thought that they had accepted him but in that one brief moment he had seen the fear in the boy’s face. He wasn’t sure if it was fear that he would try something or fear of what the boy’s friends would say if they saw him with Paul in his truck. Either way he suddenly felt out of place, felt for the first time since moving up here that he wasn’t really a part of the town nor that he would ever be accepted fully as a part of the local community.

It was a very strange & perplexing feeling really. Back in the city he had never really felt that way and maybe the last time he had felt so isolated, so glaringly different had been when he had been in college. It was when he had come to terms with who he was but now it all came back to him. The uncertainty and fear that someone might discover his secret, might find out that he was gay.

Okay he was younger then and to be honest, no one really seemed all that interested in him or cared whether he was straight or gay. Even back then he had pretty well kept to himself, had made himself invisible really. Once more Mark’s words came back to taunt him because he spent most of his college time either at the library or in his dorm room reading. Not all that he read was for class either but being gay wasn’t exactly something you openly discussed then. It wasn’t like it was now, but then had anything really changed?

He had made no secret of being gay. The papers had all covered that aspect of his life within the first few lines of telling the world of his lottery win. Still he had never looked at it as being a problem until now. Seeing the way Chad had looked or rather had avoided looking at him told him more than any words ever could. The whole drive back to the gas station had been of awkward silence and he had barely stopped the truck before Chad had bolted out the door.

Okay maybe he was reading more into it, after all there was a customer at the pumps still the boy seemed relieved to be out and away from him. Even the owner of the garage looked relieved when Chad went bounding to the pumps. It was like he had been worrying too, wondering if this rich queer might run true to form, run true to the so called image that always made the news, the one about the old man chasing the younger boys.

Paul had taken their acceptance for granted, that was what perhaps irked him the most and scared him too. He was certain there were other gays around, law of averages said there had to be and yet none had shown themselves. None had come out of the mountains or up from the valley to welcome him. For all he knew, he really was the only gay person in the whole area and now it frightened him. Maybe he had made a mistake in coming up here?

His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he could see Chad’s face once more. The way he kept his hands on his lap, the way he avoided looking directly at Paul. It all fit now and he hated the feeling it gave him. It was like somehow he was dirty, like he had some terrible illness that Chad was afraid of catching. It brought back memories of the 50’s and 60’s that had played out on television when he was a kid. The way white men would look at black men.

The way they had that look of mistrust, of disdain even had always surprised him. The way that black men had stared back had always made him uncomfortable too. Now he recognized that look, for it was the same look that Chad had on his face. It was one of fear, one of hatred too but not for the same reasons as back then. Now it was hatred for something beyond just a colour of skin. Paul shivered a little at the realization that people could feel hatred for him simply because he was different.

All sorts of weird thoughts had passed thru his mind as he had driven home. He never really had been a victim of bullying or homophobia and so in some ways this was kind of a shock to his system. Back in San Francisco there had been people who would stare at two guys walking hand in hand but that was generally the worst of it. It was normal to see guys kissing in the park or holding hands. To him his entire adult life had been sheltered from the rest of the world. To him he had matured as a gay man in a city that was gay friendly, far more gay friendly than any other but he had seen those looks there too.

Paul hadn’t thought that he had given anyone, least of all Chad, any reason to assume he was some deviant. It wasn’t like he had gone around in bright rainbow coloured outfits or talked in a high pitched feminine voice either. So why the fear of him? Why did the owner of the garage appear so relieved only after Chad had left the truck? He knew the answer was simply that they didn’t know any better. They had bought into the frothing of the religious right, had bought into the media hype that always brought out the worst of any group when one had done wrong.

It really was no different today than it had been 50 years ago. He could still recall the angry words from politicians and from men of god when a black man had been caught with a white girl. The vile hatred that had spewed out of their mouths then was no different than now. Only difference was that instead of ‘black’ put in ‘gay’ or ‘homosexual’. Paul felt a chill in his bones as he stared at the road ahead.

All sorts of strange notions rushed through his mind as he wheeled the truck into the driveway, barely seeing the road until he turned to come into the clearing in front of the house. He felt a lurch in his heart as his foot went to the brakes to stop the truck from careening into the old pale blue beat up Datsun that was in front of him. His eyes became slightly glazed as he saw the car door open and there he stood, once more surprising him, once more making his heart skip several beats.

Paul sat there for a full minute before he opened the door and stepped out to greet his visitor. The apprehension from his encounter with Chad didn’t disappear, instead it seemed heighten by the sudden appearance of Jock. It was like something had suddenly taken charge over his life, as if some weird force had decided to come and intervene in his quiet self imposed exile.

Jock… this is a surprise…

Hi, uh, I am sorry for uh, for showing up without phoning first.. I didn’t… I mean…

He could feel the anxiety as if it was something physical coming from Jock. Paul ached for the man’s obvious discomfort as his own mind reeled from his sudden appearance. In one way it was like a gift and yet in another it appeared foreboding, as if something horrible was about to befall him.

No, no its fine, I am glad you decided to come up. Uh, nothing is wrong is it?

Huh? Oh, no… no not really, I just… I mean I had no classes this afternoon and I, I uh well, I felt like a drive and well, I sort of wound up here… if its not a good time to visit…

Okay, calm down he tried to tell himself. It wasn’t like Jock had planned this, he had simply found himself in the neighbourhood but even as Paul tried to use that logic he knew it wasn’t true. No one drove that distance by chance. Still it did feel good to see him there despite the fear that was raging inside of him. God why now he thought as he tried to smile, to reassure the man.

It’s fine Jock, this is really a nice surprise… please, come on in… you been waiting long? I mean…

Not really, hour or two I guess.

I am sorry, I didn’t…

My fault, I should have phoned first, but… well I didn’t know I was going to make it up here actually… you sure it’s okay? I don’t want to impose or anything…

No, no imposition at all… come on in.

Walking into the house he could smell the shampoo scent on Jock and also something else, it was a scent of fear really. He wasn’t certain why but it was no different than the smell he had noticed sitting in his truck with Chad on the way back to the garage. He was feeling a bit bewildered by the swift change of fortune and he stumbled a little over the step, and the touch of Jock’s hand on his arm made him shudder.

You okay?

Uh yeah fine, thanks.

He was lying thru his teeth but he tried desperately to hang on. His ankle hurt a bit but the sensation he had gotten from Jock’s firm grip on his arm was still racing up and down inside of him. Paul felt like some damn teenager that had just been touched by the person of his dreams. The fact that it was that didn’t alter that Paul wasn’t 15 or 16 anymore but was 61. How could he feel this way at his age? It didn’t make sense but then nothing was normal today and this was just one more incident to confuse his already troubled thoughts.

He tossed his keys onto the small table by the door and gestured for Jock to go ahead of him. Paul noticed how tentative Jock seemed and once more he was struck by how much he was smitten by the man. His eyes couldn’t seem to get enough of the tall handsome figure and his heart was doing cartwheels inside his chest. He coughed a little as Jock stopped and stared at the wide open living room.

Guess they didn’t do too much damage huh?

Damage? Who.. oh from the party… uh.. no, nothing a good mopping and waxing didn’t take care of.

I wanted to come and help you clean up.

There was a sense of sadness about Jock that made Paul feel apprehensive. He couldn’t put his finger on it but something was troubling Jock. Worse was that it seemed to matter to Paul more than he could fathom. He wished he could just hold him, but he was afraid of scaring him off.

Well, uh, that’s okay, I managed.

I should have.

Why?

I don’t know… you were kind to me that day, and… well I bolted out of here, it wasn’t right.

His own heart was aching from the obvious pain that Jock was feeling. He felt lost a little as he tried to figure out what was on the man’s mind. It hurt that he felt so powerless, so helpless and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to press, to push for answers. Instead he tried to reassure the man despite his own feelings of apprehension & fear.

I didn’t think you bolted, and I enjoyed the time we spent, you uh.. Jock, you okay? I mean… I know its none of my business but…

I wish it was… sorry, I am a bit… school ends in two weeks, and I guess it’s just finally hitting me.

Yes, end of a term is always tough, you feel so out of place but then before you can get too lost its time to start planning for next term…

Not for me, I can’t find a place, least not for teaching. I did get an offer from a nice restaurant though, so at least I’ll have a job.

He understood the feeling that Jock was experiencing. When teaching was your passion to suddenly be faced with losing it, it took something out of you. Still his mind was rebelling at the surge of compassion welling up from his heart. He could hear the nagging voice of mistrust trying to be heard but his heart was refusing. Jock wasn’t that type, he wasn’t like the others and yet still the voice wouldn’t be silenced totally.

I am sorry, I thought you would find another position.

I thought so too, guess my ex is too much for the school board.

I am sorry for that, what about in a different district?

No, I think maybe a break from teaching isn’t so bad of an idea… sorry, I didn’t mean to bring you down. Guess I am just… hell I don’t know what I am.

It’s okay, we all have those kind of days.

Do you?

Yeah, more than I care to admit sometimes.

Strange isn’t it?

What?

I feel like I can tell you anything yet…

Yet what?

Yet… yet even though inside I know I can, I keep stumbling over it.

Well, I don’t bite if that is what worries you.

No, I guess it’s me, I sometimes think I was born in a closet and am too afraid to open the door. Shoot, that didn’t sound right.

Paul had heard that kind of line many times before. It was common and yet hearing it from Jock didn’t make him pull back. He could see that Jock meant it, that he really did feel a sort of connection but that it frightened him. Hell, he had to admit that he too questioned his own feelings that way. It was sort of as if he was seeing a younger version of himself.

He peered closely at the young man standing next to him. There was no mistaking that look in his eyes either. Paul felt the tug on his heart from the way Jock’s eyes seemed so pained, so filled with trepidation and he knew that it had taken a lot of courage for him to just come here. In some ways it was flattering, in other ways it wasn’t.

How had he let himself project such a rigid image of himself? He didn’t think he was, in fact he kind of thought of himself as being rather easy going, flexible really yet he could see the terror in Jock’s face. Okay, part of that was Jock’s inexperience but part was his fault too. It wasn’t that he was mean, just that people mistook his shyness as being aloof.

He sighed a little as he let his body relax. Paul was as nervous as Jock but it was up to him to put the young man at ease. Some instinct inside told him that this was his chance and as much as his mind wanted to slow it down, his heart had managed to gain control. His voice was a bit shaky but he was determined this time around to not let the opportunity slip by.

Actually, I think I know exactly what you mean. It is, well, it’s how I am too I suppose, least if you ask Mr Thayer he’ll say so. I guess we get in a particular comfort zone and are too content to go outside that zone, even though we may want to.

Mark said that about you?

Not in those words but yeah, he thinks I hide behind my books.

Damn, that’s what he said about me. Said I was a bookworm who lived in the books instead of in the real world.

Sounds like typical Mark Thayer off the cuff comment.

He’s right… least about me. I do prefer the books over him or anyone else really, ‘cept for that afternoon when I was here. Guess that’s kind of why I am here.

I don’t follow… I mean, uh look why don’t we sit down? Would you like something to drink? Glass of wine maybe?

Yeah… oh no, I better not. Have to drive and last thing I need is a DUI.

Drive? Oh back to the city?

Yeah.

His mind was shouting warnings right, left, and centre but all Paul could think of was that this was his chance, perhaps his last chance to try and seize the dreams that had haunted him for almost a year now. He couldn’t just acquiesce, not now, not without some effort.

It was scary to think that he would have to say something, that he would have to risk the rejection that his mind was certain would come, but he had to take that chance. He knew that if he didn’t, his nights would become intolerable and worse, that he would wind up locked up in this huge house alone forever.

Why don’t you stay here? I mean it is late and well… I mean… we could have dinner and talk, if you want, that is… I don’t want to push…

I’d like that, I just don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I mean I wanted to come back before, it is just, well… you are rich…

So?

I didn’t want you to think, I mean, well you can have whoever you want and all, I just didn’t want you to think I was… well, what’s the word, uh, gold digger?

There it was out in the open for him to accept, worry about, or ignore. His mind was yelling but the thundering voice from deep inside was louder. He knew deep down inside that whatever Jock might be, a gold digger wasn’t one of them. His mind asked him how he knew and for the life of him he didn’t have an answer other than he just knew it. He could feel it each time he looked at Jock. There was no ulterior motives or guile in the man. He was as he appeared, a tall handsome man who was struggling with just living. It was just how he himself had been, still was in some respects.

I don’t think that.

I am not, I mean… I am not good at this, I don’t know what to say, Mark says I am worried about what people think of me… I am not really, well I am, but only about certain people.. I ramble too… I don’t want to make a bad impression… I think I should go…

It was now or never, he knew that as he saw the frightened and dejected look crossing Jock’s face. His heart skipped a beat as he felt panic at first, then from somewhere long since forgotten he found the courage to stand tall. Paul knew that he couldn’t let it go, that somehow he had to find the words and the voice to give Jock what he needed, to give him the sign that he himself had been searching for.

NO! No please… look I am not good at this either Jock, been a long time since anyone ever got my interest like you have…

Me?

Yes you… I have wanted to call you so many times…

Why didn’t you?

Same reason I guess that you didn’t… sorry that sounded catty… I guess because I was afraid you would be offended by some old geezer chasing after you…

You aren’t old… least you don’t look or act old.

Mark would disagree with you.

Mark isn’t me, and I know there is an age thing, but I don’t know… I feel more alive, no that’s not the word, more free around you. It is like, well, like you can see what I mean beyond what I say… if that makes sense… Christ I feel like I am back in high school.

The way Jock’s jaw grew firm as he crossed Mark’s opinion off into thin air excited him. He hadn’t seen that look before but it made his heart feel warm. It was like there was a whole different person before him in a flash and then just as quickly another appeared. There was once more the hesitant boy, but with a difference this time around. For that split second Paul felt like maybe his heart was right, maybe this time Jock wouldn’t leave.

Haha, funny because that’s how I feel too. Giddy and nervous and scared.

Really? Strange isn’t it?

Sort of, guess part of that is from being a recluse. I suppose in some ways Mark was right, I have hidden behind the books, kind of sounds like you and me share that trait…

Does, doesn’t it?

So, red or white wine?

You sure it’s okay?

He could feel the shift in moods. It was like a weight had suddenly been lifted just a little off both of their shoulders. Paul wasn’t sure where this would go, but inside he knew that he couldn’t relax, that he couldn’t go back to the state of solitude he had imposed on himself without giving it his all. In a strange and frightening way he knew too that Jock had come to that same point, that same cross roads.

I am sure

Red please.

Okay, one red it is, uh, Jock?

Yes?

I am glad you found your way here tonight.

Funny, I was just feeling that way too.