The Locker – Chapter 12 (Conclusion)

Chapter 12

Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota

He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?

In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?

Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?

Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though Montana had tried to keep him out of it that just couldn’t happen. There was always someone to snicker, to call him down for being Montana’s brother and it was that which defeated his brother more than any disease could. It was that constant goading, name calling that made him weak and tired which is why the disease took hold so fast.

He knew in his heart that Montana welcomed death, that at least in death he would have peace and wrongly he also thought it would bring peace to his family. God if he only knew how much it hadn’t brought any peace. If only he could have known maybe he would have fought more, tried a bit harder to stick around. Dakota’s anger and pain grew as he sat there, seeing the light beginning to shred the dark shroud that had covered his world. How he hated the sunrise and yet his brother loved it, telling him how beautiful it was to see. Dakota hated it because it meant another day was beginning, another day in which the morons would taunt and laugh at him and at his brother. Another day of having to get through teachers who would let the jokes about gays go at best, at worst they would join in the laughter. How could he enjoy that signal of a new day when all it meant was more pain?

To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.

Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even Montana had seemed disappointed by his actions but it had saved his ass. There was no denying that and yet it didn’t give him any comfort. Sitting here now he felt like all it had done was make his whole life a lie, a sham even. Maybe that was what his father had seen when he had broken it off with Noah? Could he have known about the girls and how he had deceived everyone at school? Could he have known how he had been secretly pleased by Montana insisting he stay out of the hassles? Was that what had his father looking so disappointed in him?

Why did you have to leave me? Why?

He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having Montana nearby to answer him but he also felt a new hole inside, the place where Noah had touched. His whole body shook as he cried for what he could have had and for what he had lost. He couldn’t understand why things were this way but he knew that he hurt, that the pain inside was too much for him. For a second or two he wished he could be with Montana now, wish that he were next to his brother by that tree instead of here.

You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have

He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to Montana. He had struck out at them hard, acting like it was a slur that they thought he might be like his older brother. He had done the best acting job and yet why did he always feel so dirty afterwards? Why hadn’t it seemed like a big joke, the gay kid fooling the straight boys?

It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?

Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?

Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?

His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.

No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that Montana had known it too. His eyes were blurry as he stared upwards.

Was that why Montana? Did you know I would cave? Is that why you insisted I act like I was straight ‘cause you knew I was afraid?

Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure Montana had fought it and where had it gotten him? How many times had he come home all battered and bruised? Sure he had shaken it all off, calling them jerks or puffing his chest out and saying that they should see the other guys. It always was guys too, never guy because it never was only one but a pack. How many times had he turned the corner to see three or four guys standing around waiting and how many times had he turned and walked the other way?

The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what Montana had wanted, but had he? Was he really just doing what Montana said or was he using that as an excuse for not doing what he knew he should have? Was he doing what his dad said, using an excuse to make it all seem right when deep down he knew differently?

The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.

His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.

There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see Montana again or not.

The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?

Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny, Montana had told him that the morning was the best because it meant a whole new chance at changing things but he never saw it that way. To him it was just another reminder of what lay ahead and the fears and pain that it would bring to him and his family. No the morning wasn’t beautiful or comforting to him and yet standing there, he couldn’t help but admire its strange beauty. Something about the morning had made Montana happy but what was it? Was it the golden rays piercing the darkness or was it something else?

What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me Montana, please, tell me

Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?

He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that Montana saw that gave him such hope? What was it that let him get up each morning and go to school and face those assholes? His body shuddered as the sobs came from deep within his body. The pain of losing his brother grew harder to accept as he felt himself coming closer to the edge, felt his body leaning forward a bit more towards that point of no return when the wind picked up from behind him. He could feel it pushing against his back and somehow he fought it, holding himself that brief distance from the edge.

The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First Montana and now Noah too, what else was there left to be taken from him? He had nothing else left but himself and maybe that was just it, maybe it was time that too was gone so at least the pain could end?

Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday. Montana had already been taken from him already and that loss would never get easier to accept. His father was already disappointed in him and already feeling one loss, staying only adding to his pain and his mother’s pain. As for his sister, she had to struggle to keep their secret from everyone and in his heart he knew how much it worried her. She would give anything not to spill it but he knew that it was beyond her abilities to control. Eventually it would come out and then she would feel responsible. There was no solution for any of it, all he could see was more pain, and more emptiness as he began to let the wind move him along.

It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in Hollywood or in some storybook. It would have been nice to be Noah’s white knight and come to his rescue and save him but that just didn’t happen in real life. He wished he could have what he had always wanted, wished he could walk down the street holding hands with Noah. Strange, he had always had that dream but never had a face to put with it. All the guys he had known never quite fit the bill and yet the instant he had seen Noah his face filled the blank one of his dreams. How could just one look touch him so much and give him such warmth that not even the sun could equal it?

His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.

There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.

He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.

The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?

Monday – 8:10 a.m. – Noah

Despite the puffiness around his eyes he didn’t mind the sun’s glare as he scanned the parking lot. He still wasn’t sure what he would say or how to act when they met but he couldn’t just let it go. He had wanted to so many times last night and yet each time when he had made up his mind to just ignore Dakota he got that feeling inside that wouldn’t let go.

His dad was driving him and hadn’t even objected when he had asked him to drive slowly one more time around the lot. Strange how silent his dad had been all the time driving here and even now. It was kind of freaky if he wasn’t so intent on finding Dakota’s car. The whole weekend had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of strange emotions and happenings. Noah still wasn’t exactly certain what had happened yesterday, and a night of fitful sleep didn’t exactly give him a clear head to try and figure it out but somehow he knew there was more to it than what Dakota had said. Hell even his own father had said so on the way home from the cemetery and a lot more too.

Christ it was strange listening to how his dad had told his mom about Dakota suddenly dumping him. It was almost as if his dad was outraged that Dakota couldn’t see what a catch he was. Man if he didn’t hurt so much inside he would have burst out laughing at the way his dad spoke about Dakota. Even his mother sort of smiled at his tirade about Dakota even though you could see her relief as well.

Nothing made sense to him and even now, making his dad drive around to see if Dakota’s car was here was just as nuts as everything else seemed to have been. Deep down in his heart he knew that Dakota didn’t think of him as some trophy fuck or whatever it was called. He knew in his heart that they had something special together and if he could just figure out what had happened, maybe he could find a way to fix it. He just couldn’t let it go like everyone told him too, or seemed to want him to do.

It was kind of weird listening to his mom telling him he’d get over it, that obviously Dakota wasn’t the type for him or how she had commented that he just didn’t know a good catch when he had one. Man it was weird how parents could flip flop so quickly. Sort of gave him a headache from the spinning it caused. One minute they were yanking him away from Dakota and all that meant and the next they were calling him down for doing what they had wanted in the first place. Geez it was confusing but then as he turned to look at his father, he realized that maybe they had just been scared by him being gay cause they hadn’t a clue what it was.

“I guess you can let me off here”

He could see the hungry look in his son’s face. It was weird to see how desperate he looked as he scanned the parking lot and walks. Hell even he was doing it too and yet part of him was glad that they hadn’t found the car. It was still a mystery to him as to what had happened and he wondered if it was his fault? After all if he hadn’t gone there in a temper things might be a lot different for his son now.

“You sure? I can go around again?”

“No it’s okay, besides it might uh, you know”

“Make them ask questions?”

“yeah”

“Okay, uh, you okay son?”

Funny how worried his dad seemed about him and yet even as they had driven around the lot he kind of thought his dad was happy they didn’t find Dakota’s car parked anywhere. He had to admit in some ways he was happy to and also worried. God if this was love he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. To feel the anger he had at Dakota had scared him but not as much as thinking that he would never be able to touch Dakota again. It all had an eerie feel to it, like there was something missing but he wasn’t certain what. All he knew was that since about shortly after 5 this morning he knew in his heart that he needed to see Dakota again, no matter what. He didn’t care if everyone in school knew he was gay; just as long as he could talk to Dakota again or at least see him.

“I guess, not sure really”

“You still believe you and he are meant for each other, don’t you?”

“Huh? How… yeah I do, dumb huh?”

“I don’t know, guess it depends on why you feel that way”

“I wish I knew why, might help me figure it all out”

The whole idea that his son was having sex had frightened the hell out of him and his wife. Still it was strange to think that when he was Noah’s age it was all he could think about too. Things hadn’t really changed in some areas but in others it had. There was no way he even knew about gay back when he was 16 or what kind of sex that was, but maybe it was simply not discussed then like it was now? Still, the idea that his son was actually engaged in it brought up a lot of worries.

Looking at Noah this morning he had seen the hang dog expression, that sort of look that said how sad he was feeling and desperate too. He just found it hard to still believe that it was over another boy but it was. There was no doubt about it but it still took him a bit to accept it. There were moments too when he felt if only it was over a girl then he’d know how to handle it, but over another guy made him feel more out in the cold than anything. How do you comfort your boy about maybe losing another boy? Was it like being dropped by a girl, which was something he had experience in, or was it different?

“It uh, I mean it isn’t because of the… well you know, because of the sex is it?”

Why did parents always think it was about sex? Christ he had other things on his mind other than Dakota’s dick or so he thought. Sure he had thought about that part earlier and even when fighting with his folks he had thought about the sex stuff. After all it had felt awesome to be a part of Dakota like that and yet it felt different than what he had expected. It wasn’t like earlier that day either, but whatever it was, it felt right and now look at how it had turned out? God he must be nuts to think that just cause he found a way to take it meant they would be together forever, but well, something made him feel that way. If it wasn’t the sex, what was it? Why did he feel this way if all it was about was sex?

“I suppose in some way it is, but no Dad, it isn’t cause he was good or great or anything like that really, it was, I don’t know, sort of how I felt when near him like that, sort of… I don’t know if I can explain it”

Nathan glanced at his son and saw the way the eyes were glazed. For a moment or two he could see that look that reminded him of his own wife at times. She would get a sort of far off look too and he knew that she was thinking of him or of a time they had shared together. That was the same look Noah had now and it struck him just how similar it really was. Being gay obviously had some differences but maybe that was simple mechanics, because if that look was any indication, love was the same for gay boys as it was for straight boys. He could remember feeling that way and still did feel that way when it came to his wife.

“I think I understand, it is kind of how I feel when with your mother”

“Really?”

“Yes, I just didn’t, I guess love is love huh?”

“I guess”

“Hurts like hell too doesn’t it?”

“Yes”

“You know maybe he isn’t going to come to school today, I mean maybe he is just too…”

Noah knew his father meant well but he really didn’t want a lecture on how this was maybe for the best or even how Dakota wasn’t the right one for him. All he knew as in his heart he still cared and loved Dakota. That was all that really mattered in the long run so he wished his dad would just let it go, give him some peace. He knew he was only trying to help but it wasn’t. He looked at his dad and spoke in a sort of exasperated voice, feeling tired as he tried to once more explain how he was feeling.

“Dad please, right now I still think I love him, for whatever that is worth, I don’t want to…”

“Give me a chance son, okay?”

He knew his father was only trying to help but he just didn’t understand. Noah knew he needed to see Dakota if for nothing else than to see if what he had said yesterday was really how he felt. Maybe he was just confused or maybe there was something else going on that Dakota didn’t want to tell him? All sorts of things were running through his mind and his father’s advice just wasn’t helping. He didn’t have a clue as to what it could be, or how things were different if you were gay. Christ this whole thing could about Dakota worrying about AIDS or something, how would his father be able to help him with that?

“I am trying dad, just that…”

“I know, you are confused and worried and angry all at the same time, but listen to me, okay?”

“I’ll try”

“Good, what I was going to say is that maybe he’s just scared, or maybe, just maybe he’s afraid he can’t go through all that could happen, he did already lose a brother you know, maybe he’s just afraid he’s gonna lose you too”

“Hell of a way to show that”

“Yes it is, but life can beat you down if you let it”

Funny he had this image of Dakota and yet maybe his dad was right? He had no idea what it must have been like to lose a brother or to go through the shit that must have happened in school. Something about that made him squirm a little because Dakota seemed to know a lot about that and yet, he couldn’t remember seeing any marks or such on him. How did he keep out of it or did he? Could his father be right that he was just worn out from what went on?

Nothing really made much sense to him. Shit Dakota had come to him that first night, how could he suddenly change right after they had sex? Could it be that he really was that bad or maybe he had done something wrong? Noah had tried to figure that out, hell he even had written a note about it to leave in the locker, hoping that maybe it might get Dakota to at least discuss it with him. He just wished he knew the answers was all, that was maybe the worst part of all this, the not knowing.

“I just don’t get it, he comes across so tough, so together, how can he be afraid of what they’ll say?”

“I doubt if it is that simple Noah, I know how much it frightens me, and I am a lot older than you or him, plus, think about how much he must have gone through with his brother coming out? That had to be tough for him”

“I suppose”

“You know it had to be, maybe he is just tired of fighting Noah, did you ever think about that?”

“But who says he has to dad? I mean it isn’t like I am planning to announce how I feel about him on the PA…”

Nate could see the deep worry written all over his son’s face, which made him quiver a little. He could only guess at what his son must be wondering but in some ways Noah might be mature for his age but in other ways he was still just a boy. People had a nasty habit of finding out your secrets and if it was something like this, well he could only imagine how rough it could get. His primary concern was Noah and yet he found himself worrying about Dakota as if somehow he was part of their own family.

God how things could change overnight. Saturday all he could think about was how much he would like to throttle that Dakota and now here he was worrying about him just about as much as he was about his own boy. Strange how a parents instincts could just take over.

“Maybe it isn’t you he’s worried about”

“Huh? Well who then?”

In a lot of ways this whole gay thing was no different than for people like himself. He could see the similarities in the pain of a relationship and youthful desires being no different than when he was growing up. The real difference he realized wasn’t that it was about two guys but that it was how other’s looked at it. In many ways it was no different than how the world used to view mixed race relationships. He had seen the clips back then when many whites were so outraged at a man or women dating a person of colour that in some instances they would take the person to the bushes and whip them to death or just plain hang them. He shuddered as he realized just how this was the same thing, isn’t that what happened to some poor kid out in Wyoming?

Looking at his son he began to see him and Dakota in a totally different way. His heart shuddered a few times as the realization of what might happen wasn’t some fantastic improbability but was very real. He grew frightened for his son and realized that perhaps Dakota had realized all this as well. To think that some 16 year old had to consider whether to be in love and risk death was something he just couldn’t fathom himself having to deal with. How could any 16-year-old make rational decisions with that kind of future looming at him? Was this the new kindler and gentler world that his President had spoken about?

“Maybe himself? Maybe he doesn’t think he can keep how he feels for you hidden? It is possible you know”

“But he is so strong, I mean he came… I mean he is the one who came after me, I was to chicken shit to even… well…”

“I know, uh, did you ever think that, well sometimes us guys, we act strong when really we are just petrified senseless, maybe he even didn’t realize how deep things would get so fast, it happens you know?”

“I guess, still, why did he have to say those things? I mean am I being a sap for believing what he said before or not believing him now?”

“Son I wish I knew, I don’t, only you and he know that answer”

“But how do I find out?”

“I guess you’ll have to ask him, won’t you?”

“I can see that now, I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I do then?”

“I think for starters Noah that maybe I should pick you up after school…”

The sudden change in his father’s voice startled him a bit. It was like his dad suddenly knew something and didn’t quite know how to tell him. Noah felt like he had to talk to Dakota but how? It wasn’t going to be easy around school and somehow he didn’t think Dakota would let him go with him after school, so what was he going to do? His dad was right, he did need to talk it out but how?

“Huh? Oh I can walk home, it’s okay…”

“No, I mean that you should maybe leave it for today, then after school I’ll drive you over to his place and you two can talk in private, I don’t uh, well I don’t think this is the kind of thing you should talk about around here, you never know who might hear you two”

“I didn’t think of that… you’d do that?”

“Yes”

Everything was moving so fast in a strange way. One minute he had a boyfriend who he loved and a family that wanted him to be straight not gay and the next minute he didn’t have a boyfriend but a family that was accepting him for being gay. It was like he was on a roller coaster or something and all he was getting out of it was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Noah felt confused by the sudden switch in his father, and yet he could tell that he meant it. He really did seem like he cared for how it all turned out between him and Dakota. It just didn’t seem to make sense to his mind but in his heart there was sort of weird warmth, like all this was how it was supposed to be.

“Why? I mean, the other night you didn’t even want me to see him anymore, I don’t get this turn around, it is just… I mean I like it this way compared to uh the other night, but…”

“I know, it confuses me too, I guess what it comes down to Noah is that you are my son, how can I not be here for you?”

“Do you think his dad had anything to do with this?”

“No, I didn’t get the impression but it is possible. I think if I can, I’ll try to talk to him too, maybe he and I can get to the bottom of all this”

“I don’t know what to say… I mean all the things I said to you the other night… I just… I mean now you…”

“Noah, you were angry, so was I, we both said things in the heat of the moment, bottom line is you made more sense than I did, so, well, let’s just chalk that one up to a learning experience for us both, okay?”

“Okay”

Nate could see the wheels turning inside his son’s head. The way his eyebrows arched upwards when he was thinking hard about something or the way his jaw would get a certain set to it. All of that he could see now and at the same time he felt a sense of pride in the boy. His own dad used to tell him how he would look at him at times and see a carbon copy of him at that age, but that was wrong. Noah may have some of his traits but he was all original. There was no copying there and it made him proud. It was like in seeing the determination in his son he could see that somehow he and his wife had done okay in raising him. They had instilled something that had value beyond the basics, but it still worried him.

Maybe the hardest part of the whole weekend hadn’t been finding out that his only son was gay or that his son’s love interest suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. The hardest part was finding out that in this most important part of his son’s life, he hadn’t felt safe enough to come to them. That had been the part that had hurt the most and also was what perhaps made him see Noah for who he really was.

“Look, I know this is confusing to you, but, well the thing is son, I don’t have a clue about this gay stuff but I know one thing, I never want to give you the idea that you can’t talk to me, if anything the other night has shown me and your mother that maybe we took that for granted, we won’t again, I promise you that. I can’t promise we’ll understand, but we will try and no matter what, at least we will listen, okay?”

“Okay… uh… dad?”

“Yes?”

Noah stared at his dad and he could feel the love there. He had felt bad about not telling them about how he was feeling before and maybe if he had, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand on the weekend but he never really knew how he stood with them. Sure they always told him how much they loved him but how do you know when that is true or not? Christ how many parents told their kids that and then when the kid did trust them to say something, the kid was tossed out on the street? How could he have known?

All he knew now for certain was that what he had always hoped he had with them, he knew he did now. They had yelled and screamed but then most parents usually do until they calm down. The lucky guys like him then get a chance, the unlucky one’s he guessed found other ways to survive. He wondered for a moment how Dakota’s folks had handled finding out about him and his brother but the fact that Dakota was still living there gave him his answer at last. Suddenly he just didn’t feel so hopeless; at least he knew he had a home to go to, no matter what.

“Thanks, uh, I get out at 3…”

“I’ll be here”

“But work, I mean you are going to be late as it is and…”

“I took the day off”

“Huh? Why?”

“I think because, well, I think it is more important that I be around today, is all, just in case”

“Thanks”

He watched his father pulling away from the curb and smiled a little. Even at 16 it felt kind of nice to know that your dad was still there if you needed him, which he hated to admit but he did he need him. As the car left his sight he began to feel alone and frightened for no reason. Each time someone would walk by him he would start to shiver a little, wondering if they knew his terrible secret or if they would guess it.

It was not really new to him, to feel this skittish and yet in some ways it was. Every person he passed would cause him to lower his head as if studying the floor and yet he kept stealing glances at them. His paranoia was eating at him as he struggled with the emotions that were boiling inside. He still didn’t believe Dakota and yet he wasn’t here, so maybe he was telling the truth? Yet even as he tried to let that thought take hold his heart kept fighting it. In some ways he thought he knew the answer, thinking that Dakota was worried for him but he was smart enough to know it was more than that, but what? That is what ate at him as he walked down the hallway distracted.

The collision wasn’t much, just a bump really and he looked up already saying sorry when he saw the red eyes and angry glare that came from them. Shit, just what he needed as he stared into Hector’s angry face. How could things get any worse he wondered as he mumbled his apology and tried to slink off but was roughly grabbed by the shoulders and turned around.

“Hey jerk you don’t get off that easy”

“I said I was sorry”

“Sorry don’t cut it shit face”

He had seen how others were stopping, many of them pointing at him and no one seemed upset by how Hector was talking to him. In some ways it was like they only wanted to see a show and in other ways it was that they were just glad it wasn’t them being picked on. No one moved in to help, which surprised him a little as he stood there, feeling helpless and very much alone. Inside he wished that Dakota was here and then it struck him, if this was how it was now what would it be like if they ever did find out about him and Dakota? He became even more scared as he tried to back away, to diffuse the situation.

“Look Hector, not today okay?”

“Oh? Listen to you, what’s the matter little boy, mommy forget to give her little baby a good bye kiss this morning?”

“Just leave me alone, okay? I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”

“Want? Nothing baby boy, not from some mama’s boy like you”

Hector laughed and reached out to muss Noah’s hair. Noah flinched and pulled back and as he did he tripped a little, his hands letting go of the notebook in his hands and it fell to the floor scattering the papers all over, some of which landed by Hector’s feet. His eyes were brimming with tears as he wondered why some people had to pick on others to make themselves feel good. Hector was a jerk but everyone around was laughing and snickering, just like Dakota said it would be. He felt the pain of knowing that he wasn’t very brave, that he really didn’t want to fight and yet he knew it was coming to that.

“Oh the little baby dropped his book, what a shame, here let me help you pick it up”

“It’s okay, I can do it”

“Oh come on, I don’t want to make you go running home to mommy cause I wasn’t a gentleman, now how would that look? Hmmm?”

“I said it’s okay”

“What’s the matter baby boy? Something you don’t want to share with your friends, we are your friends aren’t we?”

“Yeah sure, whatever”

“Now is that nice? I ask you, I think baby boy is lacking in manners, didn’t your mommy teach you manners?”

“Lay off Hector, you have had your fun”

“Fun? Are you saying I made you drop all those papers? How rude, and here I am simply trying to be a good conservationist, keeping my school clean and tidy”

Hector bent down and picked up a handful of papers and stared at Noah, seeing the fear in his eyes, which only made him grin more. He was about to crumple the papers up in a ball to throw into the wastebasket when something caught his eye and he stared at the writing on the paper. His eyes narrowed as he read the first few lines and then glared at Noah. His nostrils flared as he reached out suddenly and pushed Noah backwards, sending him into a group of other students.

“Well well, no wonder baby boy didn’t want any help. Hey everyone listen to this, it is to someone baby boy must think is pretty special, oh listen to this…

I don’t know what I did wrong that got you mad at me, I am sorry if I wasn’t good enough or if I should have let you be the one on top, all I know is that it felt so right when you pushed into me..

Christ we got us a real sick faggot here. Hey Noah, or is that Nora maybe? You get laid by some dude huh? Man you faggots make me sick… doesn’t it piss the rest of you off? Having one of them here?”

He stood there in total fear as he heard his words being spoken aloud. It was a note he had tried writing to Dakota and he felt the pain in his heart as he heard the pathetic sounding words. Panic ripped at him as he tried to remember if he used Dakota’s name or not and all he could think about was to get the paper and run. He tried to snatch it out of Hector’s hand but was pushed back by the stronger boy. His heart was thundering as he found his voice.

“That’s private… leave it alone”

“No way, it was all over the floor faggot… tough shit, let’s see what else it says, maybe we’ll find out who this other faggot is or you gonna save me the trouble? Huh? How about it, you gonna tell me or maybe you need some manly persuasion?”

All he could think about was how Dakota had warned him and here it was, not even an hour into being at school and he had already slipped up. God if Dakota had been here it would have been worse and he thanked his stars that at least he had somehow managed to keep Dakota out of it. He reached once more for the paper, but was thwarted as Hector glared at him, tiny drops of spit starting to show around Hector’s lips.

“Fuck off Hector, leave me alone, I don’t…”

He didn’t see it coming but he felt it the instant that Hector’s fist connected with his face. The pain was blinding as was the strange lights that seemed to suddenly spring up in front of him. He could hear a strange animal howl echo in his ears as he staggered backwards, unsure exactly what had happened. He could feel the pain travelling up and down his spine as he hit the back of a locker, the lock digging hard into his back.

Noah’s hands were at his side when the second punch landed square into the middle of his stomach. He felt the air leave his lungs and his body lurch forward. There was something oozing from the side of his face but all he could think about was how much he hurt. The pain was intense inside and he could hear himself coughing as the third blow landed. He only saw a blur as he saw something big and pink come from what seemed like the ground. His eyes bulged out as he saw it coming towards him and he started to try and turn away and lift his face at the same time but the pain in his belly held him in check.

The blow landed off centre and he could feel his head snap to one side, following the force of the blow up and to the left. His head snapped back and struck the hard metal of a locker and he felt the double blow of pain reaching for him. His heart was racing with panic as he felt himself slumping to the floor. His legs had given in to the pain and he couldn’t even feel them as he slowly slid down the rough metal door to rest finally on the cold floor. His eyes were open but blank as the pain seemed to be everywhere inside of him. His head was throbbing from a thousand places it seemed and he could feel the tears falling down his cheek.

“Not so mouthy now are you faggot?”

He thought he heard the words but his mouth was too swollen for him to say anything as he stared up at the towering boy who now stood over him. He felt the pain inside growing as he tried to back away but there was no where for him to go. All he could see was the angry face peering down at him and he wished he had never come to school today, wished that he had never been born as he stared open mouthed at Hector. Off to one side he saw a familiar face and suddenly he thought that it would all be over now, that at least he would stop it. His head turned to stare fully at the other person who now moved in and stared at Hector then at him lying on the floor.

“Fuck Hector, you losing it?”

“No, shit read this Rusty, I was right all along, he’s a fucking faggot man”

“Come on, just cause he wore a dress…”

“Shit, read for yourself, it’s his, go on… read it dude then tell me I am losing it”

Rusty took the paper from Hector’s hand and looked down at Noah. There was something pathetic really about Hector and yet as he read the page his own blood grew hot. Christ was this for real? He stared at the words on the paper and then at Noah lying on the floor.

“Fuck, you really write this Noah?”

He didn’t know what to say. The look on Rusty’s face was cold looking and blank too. It scared him and even if he wanted to say something, the pain in his jaw and cheek wouldn’t let him. He just nodded even though that too caused him fresh jolts of pain that made him shake.

“Christ… man you are sick, all this time I been sticking up for you, man you are one fucked up idiot Noah… who is this guy? It isn’t that fruit you been hanging out with is it, that Marvin jerk?”

The look on Rusty’s face didn’t register with him. All he could think about was not letting them know it was Dakota. He could see that Hector would try something and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t let them know. He clenched his teeth feeling the taste of blood now as he struggled to be heard.

Somehow he found the strength to pull himself up so he leaned a little against the bottom of the locker. His body was shaking as he tried to speak and finally in a hoarse whisper was able to talk, desperate now to make Rusty understand and to make sure no one suspected it was Dakota. He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what as the pain raced up and down his shuddering body.

“No… no it isn’t… it isn’t anyone from here… Rusty please, I think my… please…”

Noah had reached out, his hand reaching out for Rusty’s leg. He tried to tug at the cuff but instead of getting help, he saw the foot pull back. The disappointment was only beginning to register when his eye noticed the foot returning, but it was coming back at him with a force. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he saw it come striking out at him and catch him square in the chest. He felt the runner strike him hard to one side of his chest, sending him reeling backwards to bang once more into the bottom of the metal locker. His head snapped back again, hitting the metal again as did his back.

“Don’t’ fucking touch me you dirt bag, Christ… I stood up for you, man what an idiot I was. Fucking faggot!”

His foot reared back once more and then he sent it forward again, this time catching the slumping Noah in the side. Everyone standing around heard the sudden whoosh of air escape Noah’s lips and the sound of a dull crump noise as Rusty’s foot made contact with the soft flesh of Noah’s side. Some where looking away while other’s had a strange glint in their eyes, enjoying the spectacle of one of their own being beaten up.

“I told you dude, didn’t I tell you?”

“Yeah Hector you did, shit, sorry man I should have known…”

“Well least we know now, hey momma’s boy, you getting my message?”

Noah stared at the two boys and all those who were standing around watching. He knew most of them and couldn’t believe the expressions on most of their faces. It was just like Dakota had said it would be like except for one thing. At least Dakota wasn’t here to see it; he doubted if he could handle seeing Dakota standing with all those others.

“I think he’s got the message loud and clear Hector”

“I don’t know, I think he might need a bit more education on that, perhaps…”

Rusty stared down at the battered boy and shook his head at Hector and reached out, wiping the tip of his sneaker on Noah’s leg, cleaning it of the blood that had spilt on it. He had to admit that it was pretty stupid of Noah to carry something like that paper on him but then fags weren’t exactly bright. After all, choosing to do guys when everyone knew it was just plain wrong wasn’t exactly something a smart person would do. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into Noah’s lap, taking Hector by the shoulder in a brotherly way.

“Cool it man, you made your point, besides, a teacher could come by anytime, I think its time to let your lesson sink in a bit”

“Yeah I suppose… fuck you are lucky baby boy, if this was outside… you say anything, I mean anything and this will just be a sample of what I’ll do to you, you got that baby boy?”

Noah couldn’t speak but he nodded up at the two boys. He could see the delight his agony seemed to give Hector, which he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was to see some of that same delight in Rusty’s face. He had thought Rusty was a friend, was someone who would understand if he ever did find out. Dakota had been right about that too it seemed. He wasn’t sure which hurt more, the pain from Hector’s blows or the kicks from Rusty? Maybe it was the pain he felt from seeing all of his so-called classmates standing around watching, none of them even daring to move and help him. God, no wonder Dakota had backed off, he had known how it would be.

He saw Rusty take Hector by the shoulder and head off down the hallways. He could see the way Hector was gesturing that he was showing Rusty how he had hit him that first blow and as he watched, he saw how others simply moved on, the show over for the moment. Noah laid there watching them all walk away, no one stopping to even glance down at him or to even see if he was alive. He couldn’t believe it really and the pain was growing as he tried to just breath. His legs were numb and he felt a hot burning sensation each time he took a breath.

Suddenly he saw two feet in front of him and he managed to look up. There was some guy he barely knew standing there looking down at him and he tried to talk, but the pain only made him moan.

“Move it faggot, you are blocking my locker”

He didn’t know what to do, the guy was glaring at him and he felt like he was once more going to get hit. Tears were rolling down his face as he tried to push himself aside from the locker when a pair of hands reached out and pulled him away from the new threat. He felt the pain lancing up his shoulder and down his back as the person pulled him a few feet Finally he let go of him and he turned his head to see who had come to his aid but the tears seemed to be too much for him. He could barely see and yet he tried to focus.

“Christ Noah, you okay? SHit that is a stupid question, uh, look, don’t… fuck, just uh hang on, I’ll go get a teacher, man you are bleeding something fierce, hang on Noah, okay?”

He recognized the voice and just nodded, feeling a little bit better at the sound of a friendly voice. He could hear himself wheezing and yet he couldn’t find the strength to talk as he saw Marvin running down the hallway towards the office. At least he had be spared this and he slumped over, the pain making him lose conscientiousness.

Monday – 12:50 p.m.

Marvin stared out at the crowded assembly and felt sick to his stomach. He had seen the way they had carried his friend out this morning to the nurse’s room and then later the ambulance that had come to take him. God what a crazy fucked up world he had thought and yet at the same time he secretly felt relieved that it hadn’t been him. Strange how he had felt such hatred and anger when he had found Noah about to be kicked again and yet how glad he also felt that he hadn’t been there.

Even now he wondered how it all would have gone down if he had been there. Would Hector have dragged him into it too or would he just do his usual pushing and taunting? Somehow he felt he’d be in the next stretcher if he had been there but then he felt guilty for not being there. Noah needed him and he hadn’t been around but then if he had, would he have helped? It bugged him even now wondering that as he watched how everyone acted so normal, like nothing had happened this morning.

The police had come and there had been a big assembly and not a single person had stood up and pointed at Hector or Rusty. Of course no one would point to Rusty, after all he was a God to them all, their leader in sports and in everything else. How could what he did be wrong if he was a God? Shit it made him sick to think about and yet here he was, sitting there looking on and worse, he hadn’t said a word either. The teacher he had grabbed had asked, the principle and even the Nurse but he simply shook his head saying he didn’t know. Fuck he was really no better than them or maybe worse because Noah was his friend. How could he do that to him, let the creeps who did it get away like that?

Everyone in school had talked about it, the way some of them described it only made it seem even more unreal to him. Some were laughing as they talked about how Noah fell to the floor or how he was begging Rusty to help him. Man couldn’t they see how wrong it was or was it just that they liked the blood and sport of it so long as it wasn’t them on the receiving end? Did any of them really care about anything that counted? How could they have stood around cheering or worse, saying nothing and doing nothing?

Sure the Principle had made a big speech about they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour, even promised that they would find out who had done it but in his heart Marvin knew they wouldn’t even try. Only way would be if Noah’s parents raised a big stink and somehow they didn’t seem the type. Hell they probably didn’t know until now but still, there was that note too. God how stupid could Noah be to have written that and have it with him? Didn’t he know by now you didn’t put anything like that in writing and you sure as hell didn’t have it at school where someone could find it. Christ he really must be in love or something to have written that, and he wondered who it could be?

There was no way he bought the story that it was some guy who didn’t go to the school and he searched the crowd of classmates to see who it might be. At first he might have suspected Rusty because Noah always seemed to go a bit wonky when Rusty was around. It was hero worship that he hated to see but then Rusty had taken the boots to Noah, so no it wasn’t him. So who could it be? Even as he tried to guess he couldn’t keep his mind on it. The way Hector and Rusty were being treated only infuriated him more but he knew there wasn’t shit that he could do. Sure he could rat them out but he had seen what Noah looked like after. There was no way he wanted to look like that and he wondered if maybe he could transfer out?

It just seemed so hard to even think about continuing here but would his parents let him? He doubted it, they weren’t exactly the type who understood. He could hear his father now, telling him he better stay put and get used to it or else change. Man what crap that was but as much as he wished he could change, he just couldn’t. How many times had he sat up at night alone praying for just that? He lost count a long time ago as he stared down at his plate, wondering if Noah would be okay and what would happen next. He knew that maybe for a day or two he was at least safe, but how long before they would target him? How long would it be before they realized that they could beat a fag up and get away it that it would be open season on him? He shivered a bit as he wondered how he would be, if he could ever handle getting beaten up like Noah had when he heard the sudden silence.

Marvin lifted his eyes up to stare at what had made everyone suddenly shut up and all he could see was how everyone had suddenly moved away from the table. That one spot reserved for the school heroes and as he stood up to get a better look he felt a strange exhilaration. There on the ground staring up at some tall dark haired guy was Rusty, blood seemed to be coming from his lip and off to the other side was Hector. He was all sprawled out several feet away from the table he had been sitting at and there was no doubt that he had taken one hell of a blow.

He moved in to see and hear what was going on as he stared at the back of the tall young dark boy. He seemed familiar but somehow he couldn’t place him as he stepped in closer, hearing the whispers as others were trying to figure out what it was all about. The boy looked lanky and as Marvin came closer he saw how he stood with his feet apart, waiting for the two downed heroes to get up, his head slowly moving to watch them both, his hands balled up into two huge fists at his side. Staring at his back Marvin could see the faded jeans with a small tear below one knee and the dull brown of boots under the cuff. He licked his lips as he saw the way the boy stood and he swivelled his head around to see how everyone else was standing in complete and utter shock. Someone next to him was whispering how this guy just walked up to the table and was greeted warmly by Rusty. He talked in soft tones as if totally surprised by how the guy just decked Rusty square in the face sending him sprawling backwards and then how before Rusty had hit the floor he had turned and yanked Hector up and sent him flying in the air across the floor.

Marvin moved in closer, wedging himself past several others. He was certain he knew who it was but all he could go by was the taut back that stood ramrod straight in front of him. He could see how the other’s weren’t sure what to do if anything and how many of them hung back a little, waiting to see which way this new battle would go. It was kind of eerie as he came closer to see the faded grass stains on the back of the jeans, the rather shoddy pants looking like they had been worn for a long time. The shirt was just a normal shirt, but it had obvious patches on it too and for a moment or two he thought about how hot the guy looked from the back. He shook his head as he came closer where now he could hear the huffing sound of the two boys on the floor. The tall lanky dark haired boy didn’t move, just stood there waiting for Rusty and Hector.

He glanced over to see that Hector was right out of it. There was blood oozing from his cheek and he looked all mangled, his legs at uneven angles and his one arm was pinned under him. Marvin felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing hat image and he wondered if maybe Hector might have broken a bone or two in his fall. It would be poetic justice but his attention moved towards Rusty who suddenly spoke up in a startled voice, showing fear even, which made everyone step back, even more.

“What the fuck… man…”

The tall dark just stared down at him, waiting for him to move and Rusty glared up at him, stunned and amazed. He turned his head to see Hector sprawled out on the floor, looking like he was dead or something and he could taste his own blood as he turned back to stare at the dark haired boy.

“Christ man, I thought we were friends, what the fuck is this about? Man you are so…”

“What Rusty? Dead?”

Rusty could see how everyone was watching. His whole reputation was at stake and he couldn’t figure out what had exactly happened here. All he knew was that he looked up was saying hello when POW, his lights went out and he was laying flat on his back on the floor. Now here he was, having to stare up at his assailant and the guy didn’t even look scared, which any normal person would be after hitting him. Christ he was top dog here, who did this nobody think he was? Still, the guy didn’t even flinch as he tried to cower him while getting his breath back.

“Fucking right dude, what is your fucking problem?”

“You are …Dude”

It was the way he said it that made him look at him again. There really was no fear in his face, which there should be. He glanced around at everyone standing by, wondering why no one had come to help him yet. He shook his head feeling confused and also feeling a bit frightened. Something wasn’t adding up here but Rusty couldn’t figure it out.

“Me? What the fuck did I do to you? Shit man…”

“Don’t like it huh? Well come on, maybe you can even the score, I ain’t running from you”

The voice was soft and even gentle sounding which only made Rusty hesitate more. He stared up at him, wondering what had set him off like this. There was a strange tone to the voice too, one that only made him feel the fear more. Everyone around was holding their breath, which only made it seem more menacing to his mind. He couldn’t figure it out as he stared up at the boy, wiping some of the blood from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he stared up but all he could see was the two fists that were at the boy’s side and they looked awfully large to him right now.

“Hey look man, I don’t know what got you all fired up, shit I didn’t do nothing to you, I got no reason to fight with you, what the fuck is this about?”

“You don’t know?”

“Fuck didn’t I just say that? NO I Don’t know”

“I don’t like you, isn’t that good enough reason?”

“Shit no it isn’t, Christ man, what the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Me personally? Nothing”

Rusty could see the way he was standing that the second he stood up he’d be flat on his back again. He didn’t stand a chance at a fair fight and he looked around, seeing how everyone had backed away, no one yet willing to come to his defence. Christ what was with those jerks? How could they just stand there and let some newcomer wail on him? They were supposed to be his friends, fuck what a bunch of losers he thought as he turned his face back to the tall dark towering over him.

“Then why man? Christ, look, whatever it is, we can talk it over, no need to get all violent is there?”

“Seems to be the thing to do around here, don’t like someone, kick the shit out of em, isn’t that how you run things here big shot?”

At first he didn’t understand and then as he stared up into the eyes, he knew what it was about. He felt a strange fear entering his body as he looked up into the very cold lifeless eyes that stared down at him. It was like looking at the face of death and he could feel himself shaking. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes becoming glazed with fear as he stared up.

“I don’t know what you… I mean…”

“Yeah you do, it is written all over your face Rusty, you know exactly what I mean”

“Shit man, if you mean about this morning, that was Hector man… I didn’t…”

“Didn’t do anything? I suppose kicking a guy after he’s already been beaten up counts as nothing huh?”

Rusty could hear them all whispering and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy in front of him. He had to stall for time but in doing so he could hear the disbelief in their voices. Christ he knew he couldn’t let him get away with this but the way he looked, it was like he wanted to kill him. For what he had no idea as he leaned back on his elbows, trying to look confident but knowing he was failing. Hell even his voice sounded scared as he tried to figure a way out, wondering why Hector wasn’t doing anything but afraid to look over at him.

“Look man, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have uh, kicked him, but fuck, he’s queer man, Hector and I, we did you a favour, you didn’t want to… Christ…”

“Making sense to you now super jock?”

“Fuck how was I supposed to know? I didn’t… I mean…”

“What Rusty? Didn’t know I was queer too? You gonna call me FAGGOT too?”

The whole room was deathly quiet as Dakota’s voice rang out. There was no screaming, no wild shouting, just a calm matter of fact voice that held something else in its tone. Rusty squinted a little as he tried to figure it out but all he could feel was the fear that was suddenly raging inside of him. He could feel the shock that everyone around was feeling too. He couldn’t understand, why weren’t they jumping Dakota? Why were they just standing there watching it all? Didn’t they care about him, hell he was their friend, their leader, surely they couldn’t just stand by while some queer tried to beat him up?

“Uh no, shit no…”

“Yeah right, why not Rusty? Not so easy to call people names when they aren’t already down on the ground all beaten up huh?”

“Look dude, uh, I got no quarrel with you, I uh, it was Hector man, he was the one who started it, Shit man, I helped stop him dude, ask anyone here, they’ll tell you…”

“Tell me what? That you only kicked Noah twice before worrying about a teacher coming by? I already heard all about how you stopped it Rusty, now… well now its payback time”

“Fuck man, I ain’t gonna fight you”

Dakota had taken a step forward when the piercing cry shattered the silence in the room. His head turned to see Hector trying to sit up but the pain held him back. Dakota’s eyes narrowed at him wondering for a second if he had done some real damage to him, forgetting about Rusty for the moment. The sound of his name being screamed out made him turn and he caught a brief glimpse of the figure coming at him from the floor. He tried to move out of the way but it was too late as he felt Rusty’s body crash into his, sending him falling backwards.

He hit the edge of the table on the small of his back and his own cries now mingled with Hector’s. Dakota felt a sudden dizziness come over him as his legs buckled and he began to fall to the ground. The blow caught him above the stomach and he felt the air in his lungs escape his lips as he reached out, wrapping his arms around Rusty’s body. Together they fell to the ground and he hung on for a second or two before wailing out with his own fists. He found the shoulder with his first shot and felt the sting as his hand struck Rusty’s collarbone.

The pain moved up his arm as he struggled and twisted with Rusty. Then he reached out and pushed Rusty backwards with his other arm, sending him off balance and in a shot was back on his feet, panting as he stared at Rusty who was also on his feet. He could see the wild look in his eyes but all that mattered to him was the image of Noah bleeding. He moved in and let Rusty swing first. He let the blow come past his arm to strike him a glancing blow but as Rusty’s outstretched hand moved past, Dakota leaned inwards and put all of his weight into his lowered hand. The fist moved hard and fast right up and into the exposed under pit of Rusty’s arm. He felt the blow as his fist dug into the soft flesh and he could see the pain register in Rusty’s face.

As his one fist struck hard upwards, he let his other hand strike just as hard into the soft underbelly. The sound of his fist hitting the soft flesh only drove him more as all he could see was Noah’s battered face. Rusty doubled over from the two blows and as his chin came down, Dakota brought his one good hand out and down. He felt the fire inside of him as he swung upwards, catching Rusty fully on the chin. The sound of bone striking bone echoed loudly in the room. It drowned out Hector’s cries even as it reverberated throughout the room. Rusty fell backwards, his body no longer able to stand.

Dakota could feel the blood dripping from his nose and lip as he moved in closer, the wild glaze in his eyes beaming down at the fallen figure. Everyone moved away, watching as Rusty stared up at Dakota, his hand suddenly flung up and over his face as he cried out his surrender, sobbing even as Dakota came closer. Everyone stared at the sudden fear that flared out from Rusty and they could all hear his pitiful voice giving in, almost pleading for Dakota to stop, to let it go.

He stood there staring down at Rusty, his chest heaving as he just stared. Rusty could feel the hatred that came from Dakota as he tried to back away, tried to move out of reach of Dakota’s feet and hands. He was crying as he tried to back away, to prevent what he knew was going to come. His voice was pleading for Dakota to stop when another louder voice silenced him. He heard the loud angry demanding voice and he felt relief, feeling at last like he had been saved as he saw two teachers and Principle Jensen running towards him and Hector.

“What is going on here? Mr Northwood? Explain yourself”

“Nothing, just a little disagreement is all”

“Nothing? Now see here, I warned all of you this morning, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my school”

“I am sorry, we uh, got carried away is all, right Rusty?”

“Uh yeah…”

“NO! It isn’t right, Mr Jensen, Dakota here was simply paying them back for beating up Noah Collins, and if no one else wants to tell you, I will.”

All eyes turned to the squeaky voice and Dakota stared at Marvin who now pushed forward and stood in a cleared area of the floor. He had tears running down his face as he spoke and Dakota could see the fear in his face and yet there was something more there too. He could see a sort of admiration or pride or something that made him feel a bit better.

“Are you telling me that these two, Now just a second here Mr. Hottinger, you are accusing two of our most popular students of…”

“He is right, I saw it, Hector started it but Rusty was the one who kicked Noah”

The principle turned towards the new voice that had interrupted him and he could see several others looking at the floor, some where even nodding and he glared down at Rusty Maartin and Hector. He had wondered a little how no one had seen or heard anything and now he knew why. Rusty was their leader and most popular boy in school, still it made him angry that no one had gotten past that until now. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation as another voice popped up saying pretty much the same thing. In some ways he felt a bit relieved, as he was certain that Noah’s father was going to sue him and the school for the attack earlier. At least whatever happened here would give him an opportunity to perhaps ease that problem. Now he had to decide what to do about Mr Northwood as well.

“All right, well break it up boys, Mr Northwood you get over to the Nurse’s office, I’ll see you after, Mr Hottinger you come with me to my office, you two boys also. Mr Maartin you and Mr Ramirez will go with Mr Young to his office.”

“I can’t move my arm, he broke it”

“Yes well, you two help him stand up and take him to Mr Young’s office, we’ll get an ambulance and the police I think.”

“I didn’t do anything… you can’t call the cops on me, Hottinger is just a fag… how can you…”

“Mr Ramirez you are in enough trouble, shut up”

Monday 4:43 p.m.

As they turned the corner to go down their street Nate saw the blue old car parked in front of their house. His heart was already beating too fast as he let his foot off the gas. He could see a lanky figure sitting on the front steps with its head bowed down and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just go down the street, acting like it wasn’t his house but he knew that Noah would be upset. His face turned to his wife who was leaning over the front seat checking for the umpteenth time on Noah who was propped up in the back. He could see her worry as he wheeled the car past the blue mustang and into his driveway.

Nate got out of the car quickly as his wife moved out the other side to help their son out of the car. He stared over at the dark haired boy who now stood up and came down the steps to stare back at him. For a second Nate felt a rage inside, wondering how dare Dakota show up here after all that had happened. He couldn’t help feeling angry at him, knowing in his heart it wasn’t just or fair but it was his boy that had been hurt. Where had Dakota been then he wondered as he stared at the boy who slowly moved down the walkway towards them.

Watching him come closer Nate’s heart suddenly felt heavy and sad. He couldn’t really blame him for this, thought he wanted to. It wasn’t Dakota who made those boys hate. Still if he had been there maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad or then again it could have been worse. He sighed as he heard his son’s whimper as he climbed out of the back seat and he turned to watch him. He felt so helpless really as he saw how much pain his boy was in, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to protect him beyond what he had already done. He felt a failure really and it wasn’t Dakota’s fault for that either, it was his as he turned back to see Dakota coming closer. This time he noticed the limp and also the bruises on the boy’s face.

“My God… are you okay? Who…”

“I am okay Sir, I uh, I got into a fight… uh. I…”

“DAKOTA!”

Noah’s voice sounded so strong and happy that Nathan forgot for a moment about how much pain his son had to be in. He turned towards the sound and saw the big smile on his face, a gap showing where one tooth had been knocked out. He also saw the bandage on his cheek that covered nineteen stitches and his joy suddenly left him. His heart only ached for all that had happened as he watched Dakota move forward towards Noah and his wife. His eyes stared at her for a moment and he could see the tears welling up there. He also saw her anger that was directed at the dark haired boy slowly moving towards their son. He shook his head and she looked at him and then at Noah. Her shoulders sagged a little as she moved to one side, letting Noah stand on his own. He watched as his son reached out for Dakota who ran a little to get close. He took Noah’s hand and placed it around his waist.

They stood there for a second or two, both of them afraid to really look at the other and yet as he felt Noah’s hand on his hip he knew he would have to eventually explain it all. Somehow though for now he just wanted to feel Noah next to him, to smell him and be near him. He wasn’t quite certain if it would last but this time he knew he wouldn’t run away.

The touch of Dakota’s hand felt like fire to him. He could feel the sudden heat rising in his body and even though it hurt he just didn’t care. Dakota was here which was all that mattered to him. He could see the pain and even sense it really as his hand rested lightly on Dakota’s hip. It felt so perfect that he just needed time to enjoy it, to let it him know it was real and not some dream induced by the pain he was feeling. Funny how much the ride home had hurt and yet now, how little it really seemed to bother him.

They took maybe two or three steps before Dakota stopped. He stood still and then slowly he reached down and touched Noah’s hand. He felt the cold of the skin and yet somehow he felt warm too. He shivered a little as he turned away from Noah’s parents and looked at Noah. His heart ached as he saw the long pale tan bandage across the one cheek, the white one on the corner of the bruised and cut lips. His eyes stared at the battered face and he lowered his own face, his one hand still holding Noah’s, his other wrapped in white plaster hanging limp at his side.

“Noah… I am sorry…”

“This wasn’t your fault Dakota…”

“Yeah in a way it is…”

“How’s that? You weren’t there, no way could you have stopped it without, well…”

He couldn’t explain it but his hand didn’t hurt so much nor did the pain in his chest seem so painful either. Just being near Noah seemed to ease the pain just like his dad said it would. There was no way he could ever explain how he was feeling right now, it just seemed so perfect and so right. Maybe Montana had been right after all, that love could make a person forget the pain. God he wished Montana could have met Noah, he would have liked him.

“I know, but I should have been there, Christ Noah you mean more to me than anything, and I let you down”

The voice was soft almost like a whisper and yet it rang loudly in his head. He felt the power of each word as it caressed his bruised body or so it seemed to him. There was so much he wanted to ask but for now all he wanted was to be next to Dakota, to listen to his heart beat next to his own. Whatever had happened before didn’t really matter now, all that mattered was that Dakota was here.

“No you didn’t Dakota, it isn’t your fault”

“It is actually, if I had been there, if I hadn’t pushed you away yesterday, shit this is all my fault”

“Why? Why did you, yesterday, I….”

He lifted his own face up and stared into Noah’s face. He could feel the love there and he took courage from it, trusting that somehow Noah would understand.

“I was scared”

“Of fighting? I thought you… I mean you didn’t seem like it bothered you”

“No, not that really… it was, well, I didn’t want anyone to know Noah, I was afraid that if they found out, well… I didn’t think I could handle it”

“Being gay?”

“Yeah, sort of that, well no, mostly that but not just that, it was like, well if it came out, it would be well… there would be no turning back. That’s more of what freaked me I think, knowing that I couldn’t keep it a secret forever and yet, well, kind of wanting to”

“I don’t… you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Don’t you? I mean honestly, right now, don’t you wish you weren’t gay?”

“Now? No, not now, maybe this morning I did, but not now”

He thought for sure Noah would have said yes. He looked into the soft eyes to see them sparkling at him, almost as if they were happy. For a minute the look reminded him of how Noah looked the instant that his body had joined with Noah’s. The eyes looked the same, had the same sheen to them as they did now. Could he really not care if he was gay or not?

“Why not?”

“Cause if I wasn’t gay now, you wouldn’t be here holding my hand”

“You mean that?”

“Uh huh”

“Even after the shit I said to you yesterday?”

“Yeah, I guess I always knew you didn’t mean it, still… it did hurt, but…”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t”

“I know Dakota”

“I wish I could take it all back”

“You have, we are okay, aren’t we?”

“If you still want me, yeah we are okay”

Noah didn’t bat an eyelash as he answered Dakota. His heart was finally happy again, just like it had been back at the tree house. It was as it should be and how could he not want Dakota? The pain of not having him was much worse than anything Hector or even Rusty could ever do to him. No, there wasn’t any doubt in his heart as he smiled when he nodded and spoke.

“I do”

“Why? I don’t…”

“I don’t know, can’t explain it really except when you are here, I feel good”

It was what he had hoped Noah would say, still hearing the words were almost like a shock to his system. His mind had told him so many times that no one could really love him, that no man could love another like him but now all those doubts, all those fears seemed to just fall away as he heard Noah’s voice telling him the truth. It was still hard for his mind to accept but in his heart he could feel the truth of the words.

“Even now?”

“Especially now, it doesn’t seem to hurt so much, why you?”

“Huh? Why me what?”

“Why did you change your mind?”

Looking at Noah, touching him and feeling him next to him only made him realize what he had finally come to understand standing at the edge of the platform of the tree house. Noah was somehow a part of him, just like his dad had said and like Montana had tried to tell him before. There was no reason behind it, whatever force had made him had also made Noah for him, and vice versa. They were meant to be and all it needed to happen was him having faith.

He knew he had almost lost Noah, maybe a lot more than that too as he remembered the wind blowing on his back and how it all looked so easy to just step off the ledge and be at peace. Now he had it all and despite the bruises and pain in his body he could still feel that touch of Noah’s shorts on the back of his legs, that simple touch of cloth against his flesh that had changed his life, that had restored his faith and given him hope.

Tears were in his eyes as he finally managed to put it into words, ones that he knew came from his heart and which he knew Noah would understand.

“Cause it hurt more to be without you than being gay hurt, because I suppose I realized that with you at least life meant something. Corny huh?”

“Kind of, but sweet”

“Think your parents will let us see each other still?”

“Depends”

“On what?”

“You gonna make an honest woman out of me?”

“SHIT!”

Noah smiled as he let his head rest into Dakota’s chest. He could feel the strong beat of his heart and he smiled to himself, enjoying the scent that came into his nostrils. It was like back at the tree house and he knew that what they had there was only a beginning. He couldn’t help but feel happy despite the pain in his body as he felt Dakota’s finger lift his chin up to look into his face. He saw the tears in Dakota’s eyes as Dakota’s head bent forward. The light touch of his lips on his mouth made him tremble with excitement as he felt the strong arms encircle him and hold him close.

They broke apart and slowly made their way up the sidewalk to the front door where Noah’s parents both stood. Noah stared at his mother who had tears in her eyes and then he glanced over at his father. He saw him staring at him, questioning him really and he smiled as he spoke.

“Mom, Dad, this is Dakota, he’s my boyfriend”

The Locker – Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Sunday 4 a.m. – Nathan

He stared out at the front yard, watching the shadows dance around the darkness moved from pitch black to a dull dark grey. It was strange to be standing here in his bathrobe looking out of the huge bay window knowing that his whole world had suddenly changed.

At first he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. Noah was so young and yet in the way he stood his ground, Nathan could tell that there was a growing maturity in the boy. The question for him was did he really know what he was saying or was it based on over active teenage hormones?

Worse though was the thought that if all that Noah had said was true, could he survive living in a homophobic world? Was he that strong or was he just talking tough? He wished he knew the answer to that because it would help him decide on what he should do. He just didn’t want to see Noah hurt and he doubted if Noah really understood that. All the talk about being gay was not pleasant, but he still knew in his heart that he loved Noah as a son, so he figured in time he would come to accept that part of him as well. It was just that he didn’t know if they would be allowed the time to adjust to it?

People could be cruel but kids were worse. He could foresee some of the comments his so called friends at work might say, and he could even see where it might lead to complications in him getting his own work accomplished. Still he also knew that it wouldn’t go much beyond words or looks. He didn’t expect his own life to be at risk, his own physical well being, from those at work or even from the neighbours. It was from the kids that worried him the most.

Christ he had seen the packs of kids walking down the mall, hanging out the various shops. If they chose to attack no one would stand much of a chance even if people wanted to intercede. It was a crazy mixed up world and Noah was putting himself and them right smack into the middle of that chaos. How could he let him see this boy knowing that it could lead to catastrophic consequences for them all?

On the other hand if he refused to let Noah see this Dakota boy, he risked losing his son in a totally different way. In short he was damned either way so what could he do? If he tried to keep him home he knew that eventually Noah would find a way to get out, after all he wasn’t a dumb kid. Then they would be at war with each other and worse, it would make home even more unbearable. He knew what a hostile home was like. Nate had vowed his would never be like that and yet now, here he was weighing that very possibility. Sure it was different in that he wasn’t a drunk but the results would be the same, no one would want to be in the same room, no one would want to talk or share things. It would become a tomb of silence or angry shouts with nothing in between. His heart knew he couldn’t handle that as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face. Nate’s eyes felt heavy as the clear drops blurred his vision and yet he fought for control, knowing he was going to lose either way.

Sunday 4 a.m. – Noah

Everything had seemed so perfect for him despite the nervousness he had felt all day while waiting to go to meet Dakota. Now it all lay in shambles around him and even holding the pair of worn shorts in his hand didn’t help ease the pain he felt inside.

How could his father be so unreasonable? He had always said he would understand, would listen but he hadn’t. Instead he had come like some mob to yank him away from the one person that made him feel whole, made him feel cared for in a way only a lover could. It wasn’t some stupid teenage obsession like his parents thought, it was real. He could feel that in his heart even if he couldn’t explain it. Damn he wished he had the words to try and make them listen but even if he did, would they listen?

Somehow he thought they might but then he saw his father’s face again, that angry hurt look and he knew he would never understand. There was no sense in trying as he stared out at the tree by his window, saw the branches bending in the breeze. How could he get through today if he couldn’t see Dakota? Hell, how could he get through any day without seeing him, without touching him or smelling him? The pain only grew as he realized that what he had enjoyed earlier might never happen again.

He turned from the darkened window to stare at his bed, to try and see what it would be like if only Dakota was there now, lying on that side with his long hair tossed all over the pillow. God if only he hadn’t slipped and let them know, if only he had managed to keep him and Dakota from them he wouldn’t have all this grief. Trouble was he still wasn’t sure how they did find out, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that no matter how much he screamed, how much he threatened, if they wanted to keep him home they could.

All of his wild fantasies about Dakota were shattered now. Even holding the faded shorts next to his chin and heart didn’t help him. All it did was remind him that what they had shared, that brief moment when he thought he could read Dakota’s innermost thoughts and Dakota his, were probably gone forever. He walked to his bed and slumped down on it, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed heavily into the pillow, wishing for a better world and hoping for an answer that he felt would never come.

Sunday 7:03 a.m.

The pale rays of the morning sun made him squint and squirm a little in his bed as he slowly let them open. His head ached from all the wild thoughts that had passed thru during the night. One second he had imagined himself hopping into his car and racing after Noah, forcing Noah’s parents car off the road so he could snatch his lover form their evil grasp, but that was his anger speaking. It was silly of him to think like that, to even assume that Noah’s parents were evil but as he had laid in bed all night, it was all he could think about.

It had helped to think about doing something stupid like that. Helped to think that Noah’s folks were evil even but deep down he knew he was just avoiding the truth. Dakota felt so alone and frightened that he had dreamed weird dreams, when he did sleep. For the most part he had spent the night looking out at the stars, wondering what it would be like to be a super hero, to have special powers that would make him do the right things and say the right words. Instead he was just a kid facing a major problem with no one to talk to. God had seen to that when he took Montana from him and now who could he talk to, Arizona? His mom? His dad?

He could feel the bitterness inside of him and he wondered why it was that everyone was so afraid of guys like him? What was it about being gay that made so many nice folk turn mean and nasty? Their own pastor had refused to officiate at the funeral even because Montana had never recanted being gay, his Dad didn’t even fight his decision even. Okay maybe his dad was in shock and yet here it was, over a year now or close to it and his own father had yet to go to Montana’s grave. How could he not go?

At least his mom and sister went every other week. They still cared for Montana even though he had been gay. He went every Sunday, just like he would today too even though he wished he could just stay home under the covers. How could they all go but his dad not once? Nothing really seemed to make sense to him because he knew that his father loved Montana, that at the end they had spoken a lot so why wouldn’t he go to the grave? Was he angry or scared? Was it that he was afraid someone would see him crying maybe?

He turned his head towards the clock and knew he had to get up. His hand reached down to feel the tight shorts he was wearing and once more he could smell Noah’s scent. His body ached all over for him as he kicked the sheet off. His jaw grew hard as he tried to tell himself that Noah would be back and yet in his heart he found that didn’t give him any comfort. His anger grew but not at Noah’s parents or even his own father but at himself.

It was what really had kept him tossing and turning all night and he hated to admit it, but part of him was kind of glad that Noah’s parents had taken him away. The whole idea of being boyfriends scared him, not because of the commitment. In his heart he knew that he only wanted to be with Noah, that no other person could ever make him feel so wanted, so needed as Noah made him feel. It was something else that troubled him, which he didn’t want to think about but which he couldn’t run from.

He was scared, plain and simple. Not of living forever with just Noah, how could that scare him? No, what made him tremble with fear was that he would fail Noah, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the courage to face down the prejudices that they would have to confront. Dakota realized as he sat on the edge of his bed that he was both happy and sad about last night. Sure he wanted Noah in every way he had said, but he also didn’t want to fight anymore.

Sitting there, feeling the fabric of Noah’s shorts against his thighs and groin he felt lost. Why did it have to be this way? What was it that had some people running from him and guys like him as if they were contaminated or something? Did they really believe that they could catch it, that they could become gay simply because they were near a gay guy? It just seemed so stupid and yet that is how it felt. He had seen it around Montana at school and worse, he had seen how those who said they were friends never said a word. They stood by while others make the comments, while others jostled him or pushed him and when no one was watching, they would say they were sorry, they wished they could have done something. Christ didn’t they know that all they had to do was stand up and stand with Montana?

Now he had to do that all over again. Now he had to once more go up against those same assholes and he just didn’t know if he could anymore. Dakota felt tired as he stood up and dressed, feeling like a hundred instead of just a mere 16. His mom had told him once how sometimes trouble could age a person faster than anything. He knew was she was talking about now. God why did it always have to be like this? What difference did it make to anyone really if he was fucking a guy up the ass or not? Why did it matter to them if he liked a dick in his mouth instead of licking at some damn pussy?

His headache grew worse as he struggled with the feelings inside. He really did want Noah, not just for the sex but for the friendship and everything else that made up a relationship, least as how he thought it was. Looking at how his mom and dad acted together, it was what he thought could happen with him and Noah, but that was all in the air now. He had picked up the phone a couple of times last night, wanting to call him but then he chickened out, afraid of what would happen if Noah’s dad answered or worse if he told him that Noah couldn’t talk to him anymore.

At those times he could feel his anger rising up but at the same time he felt something else. It was like a part of him wished that would happen because then it would solve his problem. He wouldn’t have to pretend and he could safely go on living in their world without having to fight anymore. Those thoughts only confused him and made him feel shame. Why couldn’t it just be okay to love someone and not have to see first if they were the right sex or colour or whatever? Was God that choosey about who got into heaven? Did he really care if two people loved each other but were of the same sex or of different races? Did it matter if say some Jewish guy fell in love with a catholic girl, did they get banned from his heaven too or was it just gays?

Nothing really made sense to him as he walked thru the kitchen and kissed his mother on the cheek. He refused her offer of breakfast, feeling rather full despite the queasiness in his stomach. She looked so sad for him but what could she do? It was his problem and one that more than likely Noah’s father had already taken care of. If Noah had been able to convince them he would have called last night. The fact he didn’t was good enough as a call.

He reached the car when he stopped, startled by the shadow. His eyes narrowed and then opened wide as he recognized his father sitting in the passenger seat.

“Dad… uh…”

“You are late this morning”

“Yeah I didn’t get up on time, uh, what are you doing in the car?”

“Waiting for you”

There was something different about him, the way he was looking at him made him feel uneasy. He also felt a bit angry, thinking that his dad wanted him to take him somewhere when he should know that Sunday mornings were his. This was his time to be free of house chores and family stuff, it was his time to visit his brother. Dakota grew impatient as he was already late and he still had so many different things going thru his mind that he felt tired already.

“Oh, uh can’t it wait? I want to go to uh… well you know, uh, can’t it wait?”

“Can’t what wait?”

“Uh whatever it is you want me to do, or take you, or… I don’t know, you are in my car, just figured that uh…”

“You going to see Montana?”

“Yeah… you know I always do on Sunday morning”

“Thought as much, figured, well thought I’d go with you, that okay?”

He suddenly froze as he heard his father’s calm voice telling him that he was going to go with him. It was so unexpected that he felt slightly confused as well as uncertain. This from the man that no one could get to go to see Montana was just suddenly willing to go? It made no sense.

“Huh? You mean… but, are you sure?”

Gary had seen the shocked look on Dakota’s face which puzzled him a bit. Why should it be so strange that this time he was willing to go with him? Maybe the boy resented his intrusion but something inside made him realize that he had to go with him, that it was time for him to once more rejoin his own family. Seeing the look in Dakota’s eyes only made him more resolute.

“Yes, why? Don’t you think I can handle your driving?”

“No, I just… I mean you never wanted to come with me before, in fact… well, you never go to… uh, you never been to see…”

“Is that what you think?”

“Well… yes”

Now it was his turn to be shocked. His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked into the stunned face of his son. Could he really have not known all this time? Surely he had more faith in him than that? It felt painful as he saw for himself that Dakota really didn’t know and he knew that it was his fault. God how stupid could he have been?

“I see… I didn’t realize you didn’t know”

“Know? What didn’t I know?”

“Just where do you think I go every morning at sunrise?”

“To work, I mean… don’t you?”

“No Dakota, I don’t”

“Then… where do you…”

“I go to see your brother, sunrise was his favourite time of the day, you knew that, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but… uh yeah I did.”

“But you didn’t think I knew, isn’t that what you wanted to say?”

“I guess”

For a moment he couldn’t stand to look at his son and turned away from him. His heart ached inside of his chest as he realized just how much his son didn’t know about him. Gary knew he wasn’t the demonstrative type, the kind that always hung out with the kids, tried to be a pal. He just figured it wasn’t his role, that it was more important to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. He left the mothering to his wife but it didn’t mean he didn’t care. Hell he always spent time getting caught up on what had gone on, what the latest news was from the boyfriend front and all that other stuff.

He always kept his eye on them, never trying to intrude in their lives but always making sure he was close by, just in case. Didn’t they know that or was it maybe that he never let them know? To think that Dakota believed he had never gone to see Montana was like a knife to his heart. How could the boy not know?

The realization of the gap between them only made him ache more. He wondered if Arizona also felt that way about him. His eyes felt heavy as he turned back to look at Dakota. He saw a tall worried boy there, a boy torn up with a whole lot of hurt. In that instant he knew that he should have done more for him and he prayed silently hoping that it wasn’t too late for him to help his son. The pain was clearly written all over the young face that he felt it stabbing at his heart. How could he have not seen this before?

“I know lots of things son, I know for instance that Montana loved to watch the sunrise, that he enjoyed eating fresh strawberries and a whole lot of other things. I know too that for you sunset is your favourite time of day, you love to see the sun setting, the red tinge makes you tingle even, and I know you hate strawberries but used to go and eat them with Montana because it made him happy. Hell that is part of being a father, knowing stuff about your kids, or at least trying to know them.”

“I never… but why, uh, why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“What was there to say? That I miss him so much that I go and watch the sunrise over his grave? That instead of sitting out with him when he was alive to watch, I do it now that he is gone? What could I say that wouldn’t make it all seem so… so pitiful?”

It was like there was a stranger sitting in his car. The words were so filled with pain that he didn’t know what to do. He could feel the tears welling up near his eyes as he stared out at his father. The man looked different too, looked almost like a beaten old man instead of the strong 42 year old he was. Could the pain he felt for Montana have caused all that? If it did, what would his own headaches cause his dad to look like? Suddenly his fear grew as he realized that it wasn’t just him and Noah that he had to piece together, but his whole family had a stake in it as well. The idea terrorized him as he tried to reach out, wanting to say something but not knowing what.

“Dad I…”

“Just drive son, okay? Right now, please, just drive”

He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how he expected his father to act and yet in some deep part of his body he felt like it couldn’t ever be any other way. This was the man he thought his father was but had rarely seen. Now that he was seeing it he felt scared and yet warm too. It was confusing as he looked at his father who turned away at last. Dakota could see the tears welling up in the lined face and his heart ached for his dad. He stared at him then looked at the house, to see his mother standing on the porch. She merely nodded at him and he turned back to get into his car. Dakota turned the ignition on and headed the car down the long dusty road towards the main road.

The sound of the wind blowing past and the noise cars made as they whizzed by only made him more aware of the silent figure next to him. There were so many questions popping into his head that his headache only got worse. He had to squint as the pain in his forehead grew with each passing mile, He drove by reflex more than anything and despite that he felt like he was on a bed of nails. There was so much he wanted to ask but each time he tried, his courage failed him. He sat there driving instead of talking, instead of asking so that when they finally arrived at the cemetery he was startled.

He shifted down a little, easing off the gas and coasted along the windy road till he could go no further. He parked the car off to the side and stared out past the lush green rolling grass. His eyes narrowed as he saw the tall tree off in the distance and his heart sighed a bit, wishing for what he wasn’t sure. So much was pressing on him that he stood there blinking in the morning light until he saw the bent over figure slowly walking up the grassy knoll. His father had already left him and he quickly leaped forward, jogging to catch up.

They came to the simply white stone that jutted up from the grassy ground. You could barely see the dirt now, the grass having already claimed most of it. The shade from the overhanging branches added a soft cool touch to the whole area. Other stones were dotted about but there was nothing on either side of Montana’s. Not for some distance really did you see another stone and Dakota had always wondered about that, how such a nice spot was being left untouched.

His father stood by the stone with his head bowed and then as Dakota came to stand by him he finally looked at him. Dakota stepped back as he saw a warm glow and strange calm in his father’s face. He had half expected to see tears running down the cheeks but instead they actually had a bit of colour to them. It was weird for him as he saw his dad give him a small smile and then take his jacket off. For a moment Dakota thought he would toss it over his shoulder or offer it to him to wear or hold but instead the man simply laid the jacket on the grass, next to the headstone and then proceeded to sit down on it.

Dakota didn’t know what to do. He stood there staring down at the stone and then at his father who just sat there, his legs stretched out in front like he was at a picnic or something. It all seemed so unreal to him and yet as the sun played on the grass in front and the wind swirled lightly around him, he knew this wasn’t a dream. His heart continued to pound hard as he tried to say something, not sure what he should say even. Everything seemed so natural and yet felt weird, just like everything else it seemed that was happening to him. His thoughts turned to Noah and he wondered what it would have been like having Noah here with him? Would he have understood why every Sunday Dakota came here or would he think it sappy and weird? Whenever things got heavy, whenever he needed a place to think it was here that he came.

Here was where he felt safe; where he could talk to the only person he had who could understand him. Here was where he could unburden his mind to the only person that shared the same doubts and pains as he did. Here was where he could just be himself, talk without worry about what someone might think or get a wrong impression. Would Noah have understood that? Did his father understand it? Once more his eyes were drawn to his dad who was leaning back on his elbows and staring right back at him. It made him jump a bit and hang his head down, the eye contact too frightening to him.

“Don’t you sit?”

“Huh?”

“Do you just stand or do you sit down when you come by yourself?”

“Oh, uh, I sit”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Why aren’t you sitting? Am I making you that nervous Dakota?”

“Sorry… I guess partly, I don’t know.”

Staring at his son, he reminded him of a deer got in the headlights of a truck. His eyes blazed and yet he stole perfectly still. Nothing around him seemed to be registering as the lights mesmerized him except in this case it was his presence. Did he really make his own boy so nervous or was it something else? Something was eating at him, but what?

“Feeling shell shocked are you?”

“Shell shocked? From?”

“Me being here, last night, school, life, I don’t know, everything maybe?”

He felt confused by his father. His dad had said more to him so far than maybe what he had said over the entire year. It was nice in one sense and freaky in another. Was his dad going to try and tell him he shouldn’t see Noah anymore? The idea that he might do that though didn’t anger him as much as he thought it should. Was he maybe hoping for that but damn it, he loved Noah or thought he did. Why was he feeling like he needed an out, that he needed an excuse to end something he only had ever dreamed of having? Was he that fucked up in the head that when something good like Noah came along he tried to push it away? What was wrong with him? Why was he acting this way?

“I suppose… things are a bit uh, mixed up”

“Mixed up? Christ son they are royally fucked up as I see it”

“Dad!”

“What? You think this is where we pussy foot around stuff? I don’t think so Dakota, one thing I have learned by coming here every morning for so long is that pussy footing around stuff that counts is just so much crap and a waste of time. Hell son, we got more important stuff to deal with in life than worrying about what blasted words we use, don’t you think?”

“I guess… I don’t know, maybe”

Gary couldn’t put his finger on it but something was out of place, was wrong as Dakota never was so hesitant before, never so reluctant to say how he felt. He peered intently at his son, trying to figure out what it was that had him acting so skittish. Could Dakota be worried that he might try to stop him from seeing that Noah boy?

“Christ son you are acting like you are going to jump out of your skin, what is it? This trouble with that Noah boy, is that eating at you?”

“Partly”

“The rest being?”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

Dakota wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t used to all these questions from his dad like this, and hell it seemed that he knew more than he had suspected. Okay maybe mom had talked to him he thought but why now? Why was he suddenly all fired up to talk about this stuff? It wasn’t like he seemed interest before this, so what was it? Was he worried about more medical bills or was there something he hadn’t told him? Christ had he heard from Noah’s folks?

That might be it but staring at him, seeing the strange new look on his face he wondered other things too. It just wasn’t the way he was used to his dad acting. Maybe there was something going on he should know about, why the sudden switch in how he acted? The whole idea of his dad showing up here each morning was puzzling to him. How could he have not known but worse, why did his dad do it?

“Why are you here now? Why do you come here in the mornings alone? Why didn’t you ever tell me, or Arizona? Does mom know?”

“Yes she knows, she’s even come a few times with me, though she worried each time that one of you would wake up and find us both gone, so for the most part she stays home, but yes she knows.”

“Then why didn’t you, I mean why was it a secret?”

“It wasn’t, guess though it became one all on its own, kind of like you and Montana huh?”

“Us? I don’t…”

For the life of him he had never seen his son so disjointed, so lacking in strength. At times he had thought Dakota had a certain stubborn streak or even a defiant one but looking at him now all he could see was total confusion. It scared him a little as he tried to figure out what it could be that had him all in knots like this?

Dakota had always been one of those kids who just went and did things. He never worried about asking, he just went and did em like he had some secret guidance system inside that always kept him focused. Now he looked like a duck out of water that made him sweat a bit. He was so young to have gone through so much crap and yet to know that there was just as much if not more around the corner. It didn’t seem right or fair but that was life.

“How long did you know Dakota? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?”

“I dunno, awhile I guess”

“So how come you never told?”

“That is different… I mean…”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, it is something you, you know… What, you figured I should have just come up and said, oh by the way I am gay too? Besides, I thought you had enough to worry about.”

It was almost as if he could smell the fear oozing from his son. His heart began to tremble as he realized that something was seriously wrong with his boy. He couldn’t quite get a handle on it but he could see the terror in Dakota’s face as he spoke, as he tried to hide the doubts and fears.

“That’s nice if it is true”

“Huh? Of course it is…”

“Could be more that you were just plain scared?”

Shit, did everyone know what a coward he was? Was he the last one to find out that all this time of pretending to be tough, pretending to be self-reliant and all that in reality he was just a scared snot nosed kid? God did Noah know it too?

Maybe that was why he had gone so ballistic, so intense that he would get his parents to see things his way. It was maybe his way of telling him that he knew, that he didn’t care or was he just trying to get him to stand up for a change? Shit, it was so mixed up, he wished they had time before all this happened. Maybe if they had spent the weekend together they could have talked. Hell maybe he could have found the guts to try and explain all these weird things he was feeling inside.

Looking at his dad he wondered what he was up to? Did he suspect how much of a coward he was or was he trying to find out? The way he looked now sure as hell wasn’t how he looked when he first confronted Montana. God the anger on his face, the almost murderous look he gave both of them was still vivid in his mind. How did he expect him to tell him after looking like that?

“Okay, yeah that too I suppose, shit it isn’t easy telling something like that, and then… well…”

“Well what?”

“I didn’t want you to go off like you did when Montana told you”

It couldn’t be that simple, could it? Looking at his face, seeing the way he kept averting his eyes only made Gary more certain that his boy was still hiding something. He wished he could pin point it because in his heart he knew it could make or break who is son turned out to be. Every part of his body felt like it belonged to a person over a 100 as he tried to figure out just what was eating at Dakota.

“He didn’t tell me, I went off cause I heard about it elsewhere, hell I don’t know, maybe I would have gone off the same no matter what, but I cooled off pretty fast, didn’t I?”

“Yeah”

“So?”

“I dunno, guess I should have said something”

“Would have helped”

“I suppose, just that, well, you aren’t all that easy to just talk to”

“Doing okay now aren’t we?”

“Some, maybe it’s the place, or maybe I just… I don’t know, so why didn’t you tell me? About coming here?”

“I never really thought about it actually, never even knew you didn’t know, at least until last night. That’s maybe why this morning I am here with you instead”

Somehow he felt he was on safer ground now. Talking about why he hadn’t said anything was getting to close to home. God what if he was a coward thru and thru? He couldn’t be though, shit he had stood up for Montana, had fought a few good fights too, so how could he be a coward? Thing was though it was how he felt right now, knowing that he was only looking for excuses to break it off with Noah.

He felt angry at his father too. Why did he have to come and dump all this on him now? Didn’t he have enough to try and figure out without having to explain all this other stuff? Couldn’t his dad see that he needed to be alone, to work stuff out?

“But… I mean each time we asked you to come with us, you always refused, we thought it was cause… well cause you couldn’t bear to be here, now you say you are here every morning, so, why didn’t you come with us? Is it us you didn’t want to be around?”

“Christ NO! I thought that each needed their own time here, without the others. I love your mother and when she offered to come with me, I didn’t refuse but she could tell, she could see that this was my time. I just thought when you asked that you were being polite is all. I also thought that you needed your own time here, just like I do”

“I suppose, still I wish I had known…”

“Why? So you could have joined me? I don’t know, maybe once or twice would have been okay, but I think if you had known you would have wanted to come every morning, and well as much as I love you, I need that time to be alone with Montana.”

“I guess I understand… but still”

Why was he so scared of him? It didn’t make sense really because he thought he had always been a good father. He never tried to force them to do stuff, he would always explain things or at least try to. Wasn’t like teenagers ever wanted to listen but still he had tried. Okay there had been times when he had to be strict, hell that was part of being a parent but that shouldn’t make his kids afraid of him.

God didn’t they know that he would give his own life for them if he could save them from pain? Didn’t Dakota know that he would have traded places with Montana in a flash if he could have? How could he have raised Dakota all these years with him not knowing or trusting in him? Was he that much of a stranger to his own family?

“Hell Dakota, you could have asked too you know? If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask, it isn’t like I bite your head off when you ask me stuff, is it?”

“No, I just never… never really thought to”

“I suppose son, but it isn’t right you know? We are supposed to trust each other, you do know I love you don’t you?”

“Yeah”

Gary was confused. He heard the words and they were what he had expected and yet they rang false inside. Looking at Dakota he realized that the boy was saying what he thought he wanted to hear instead of telling him the truth. It was not how he had raised him and yet, there was something in Dakota’s face that made him worry even more.

“Yeah? Yeah but what?”

“Nothing”

“Nothing my ass, I can see it in your eyes son, you don’t think I love you do you?”

“I don’t know…. shit, I wish I did, but sometimes I think you hate me, that you…”

“Hate you? I could never hate you, you are my son”

“I know, it is just that… well sometimes I wonder if you do cause I am… well cause I am like Montana”

“Like Montana? You mean gay?”

“Yes”

“How can you, what ever could make you think that I hated your brother? I love him, just as I love you and Arizona. Do you really think I hated Montana because he was gay?”

He didn’t know what to say to his dad. Yes at times he did think that his dad hated Montana and hated him too because they were gay. At times he could see the look on his face and he knew it was hatred. Maybe if Montana hadn’t gotten sick things would be different, but everything changed with that news. The looks never came after that, so maybe it wasn’t real or maybe it was just that he couldn’t hate someone who was dying? How do you say that?

“I don’t think so, no… but then he got sick which changed things, I don’t know, maybe you think it is my fault or something”

Oh Sweet Jesus how could he have missed all this pain and suffering that was inside of his boy? Had he been that blind or that self absorbed that he hadn’t seen the pain in his youngest boy? His body shook a little as he felt his own shame for not seeing, for not knowing.

“My God, Dakota how… I love you son, as much as I loved Montana and as much as I love your sister. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.”

“It is just that… I don’t know, being this way, Montana having been this way…”

“Good Lord Dakota, how could you even think that? Why didn’t you ever come to me or to your mother? Why have you kept all this inside?”

“I don’t know, I guess I kept seeing how angry you got at Montana, and then how sad you were when… when he came home to… to die. I don’t know, it just was like… like…”

“Terrifying and confusing?”

“yes”

“I know, it is how I felt then too, still do really. I won’t bullshit you Dakota, I do worry about you and at times, well at times I curse this whole gay thing”

It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He knew inside that his dad hadn’t cared for him being gay any more than he had for Montana. Still to hear it only made it seem worse. He couldn’t help who he was, at times he wished he could but it just didn’t happen no matter how much he prayed for it. God what he wouldn’t give to be like all the others, to not worry about hiding how he was feeling or thinking when in the locker room or walking down the hallway. No one really could understand how that hurt and each night he wished he could be different. Now knowing his dad really did hate it only made him wish he had, well that he had died along with Montana. At least for Montana that part was over, he didn’t have to face all those hating faces anymore.

“I can’t help being this way dad”

“No I know that, I don’t curse at you son… I curse at God I guess, for making you this way, not because I am ashamed either, but for all the grief this has given you, both of you really”

“I miss him so much dad…”

“I know we all do son, we all do…”

“Why did he have to die Dad? Why? Is it maybe… I mean… could they…”

God how many sleepless nights had he and his wife shared over this question? Why did such bad things happen to innocent people like his Montana? Okay, maybe he wasn’t perfect but who in hell was? Montana cared for a lot of things, he was a good son and looked after his sister and younger brother. He would give anything he had for them so why? What terrible thing was it that made God take him from them?

He couldn’t begin to count how many times he asked himself if it was because of Montana being gay. How many times had he picked up a newspaper to read about some group claiming gays were sinners, some Priest commenting on how they were doomed unless they repented or how many politicians that were incensed at their lifestyle demanding criminal penalties for their behaviour?

Even his own family pastor had felt that Montana had violated some sacred trust with God, but damn it, God created his boy, just as he had created everything in the world, how could Montana be evil? How could such a warm person who loved life like he had be a shame to God?

Deep down in his heart he knew that they were wrong. His mind may wonder and think that perhaps they had a point or two, which they even had to be right given, who they were but in his heart he knew that was wrong. Something deep down told him that and looking at Dakota, he realized that his son was lost. He had listened too much to the hatred.

Gary sighed as he looked deeply into his boy’s face in an effort to calm the fears that seemed to be there. There was so much he didn’t know and yet it was up to him to show him that it was okay to be who he was. It was his responsibility as a father to try and help his son, but how could he when he himself didn’t know the answers or the truth? All he had was his faith and he prayed it would be enough.

“NO! NO! Don’t… damn, don’t Dakota… you can’t blame his dying on who he was or who you are either, it isn’t like they say son… God in heaven, I wish I could explain it…. I wish someone would explain it to me… “

“Then… why? It seems so… so cruel”

“Life can be that way, I don’t know why, it just is I suppose, but Dakota you can’t ever believe it is because he was gay. For whatever reason God chose to take Montana, it wasn’t because Montana was gay.”

“You still believe in God?”

“Don’t you? Of course I still do, I don’t know if I could have gotten through this otherwise.”

Dakota lowered his head and stared at the ground. All he could feel was pain inside, pain and hatred. He hated who he was, having to always try to be one thing when he was something else. He hated how it had made Montana feel, hated how it had hurt them all and worse of all he hated how it taken his brother from him.

“I don’t”

“Dakota you are angry, you can’t…”

“Blame God? Why the hell not? He made us this way didn’t he? So why then? Why did he send this AIDS to kill us? Is he ashamed of us too? If he exists, why dad? Why?”

The silence felt like it would shatter every thing around him. He couldn’t look at his son really and he felt the pain in his heart because he also wondered about it. How could a God who was supposed to be of love do such things? He had questioned it so many times that he knew them by heart. The trouble was he had no answer for his son who needed one and he felt himself slip a little, his hand touching the warm stone of his other boy’s final marker. In that moment he knew that he faced losing Dakota and felt the panic inside but the fires that flickered inside refused to die, just as his faith had refused to go quietly away.

“There is no answer Dakota, except that if you believe, eventually the answers will come. You aren’t asking anything I haven’t asked…”

“Then how can you still believe in God? How can…”

“I have to, because I suppose if I didn’t believe in him anymore I’d have to believe that Montana is here now, his body rotting into nothing and that the pain he suffered was all he would know, because Dakota to believe in God I can at least have some hope that he is not suffering anymore, that what happened to him wasn’t his final feelings on earth, that he isn’t really gone.”

“But… it doesn’t…”

“No it isn’t rational, it isn’t logic, but in my heart son, it feels right. Faith isn’t for when things are good, it is easy to believe in God then, but faith, real faith is believing in him when things aren’t good. I have to believe, for me not to, I can’t imagine what it would be otherwise… can’t you see? If there is no God, then Montana died in pain, there is no escape for him, can’t you see that?”

“But why all this then? Why?”

“I don’t know, guess maybe some priest or expert could give you a better reason, even then I kind of doubt if it would be any more real than what I believe. I know it is true, how I know I can only say cause inside, where it all counts, where there is no place to hide from the truth, it feels right.”

“I don’t feel that”

“Don’t you? I think you do, but I also think you are afraid of it, the truth isn’t always kind, is it?”

“You really believe Montana is at peace?”

“Yes”

“You think he can see us now? Sitting here?”

“I don’t know, I think whatever Montana’s soul was, I think that is watching us, yes.”

He sat there next to his father and brother, wondering if the pain he was feeling was like his dad said. Was he trying to run away from the truth? Maybe it was that, maybe it was that he really wasn’t sure what the truth was. All he knew for certain was that he cared for Noah, that he missed Montana. That he knew, as to the rest, it was all a mess inside.

Part of him wanted to have what everyone else had. He wanted to walk down a street and hold hands, kiss when he felt like it or just walk with Noah’s head on his shoulder. That was what he wanted, dreamed of having. For a brief time last night he thought it might happen. At least where they were it was safe, but school, that was something else. He could never do that at school without fighting at least once every day.

That was what scared him. He had been in fights, and okay yeah he did okay and won them, but it still fucking hurt afterwards. So what if he won, eventually someone bigger or tougher would come along then what? Would Noah still want him if he were damaged goods? Hell would Noah want him if he lost, never mind how he looked afterwards?

Maybe he would but sitting there, feeling the sun on his face and body, he knew there was more to it. Noah might not mind him losing a fight or two, but what would he think if he not only lost the fight but as a result Noah got the crap kicked of him too? How would he look at him then? Would the feelings he had now turn into hate or disappointment? Hate he could maybe handle, disappointing Noah was something totally different.

As he sat there he also knew that if he did manage to keep things going with Noah that eventually it would change. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that the pressure that everyone at school would put on them would be constant. There is no way guys like Hector would let it go and if he was right, guys like Rusty would keep pushing those like Hector. It was how they got their jollies. He had seen it with Montana, and he had to admit that if Montana hadn’t gotten sick, that he most likely would have quit school or maybe worse.

The pain and emptiness inside his heart only grew more intense sitting by his dad and his brother’s grave. He was both angry and scared at the same time, uncertain what to do. The look in Noah’s eyes as he had left told him that if he could, he’d fight his parents till eventually they gave in. That meant that no matter what he would be looking at a rough year at school, for both him and Noah. Then there was Arizona to think about. She was a true Northwood and no doubt she’d throw in her two cents if people picked on him and Noah.

God that would be all his folks would need. Him to come home battered or hurt every night and his sister too. How much could his folks take? They weren’t exactly young and besides, losing Montana seemed to have knocked the life from them. His dad never laughed really, his mom barely ever smiled a real smile. How could he do that to them when most likely Noah would dump him in the end?

Okay maybe he wouldn’t, but Noah didn’t know how rough it could get. He had no clue as to how mean kids could be. He was already choked by just some spray painting on the locker, how would he feel when his locker would be trashed and all over the floor? How would he feel when kids would make fag jokes in class and the teacher laugh along with the others? He had seen it, he knew how it felt and right now, right now he just wished the whole world would simply blow up or something.

For a brief time he had felt normal, felt like everything bad had suddenly been pushed away. Why couldn’t it have stayed like that? His eyes searched upwards, almost as if he was asking God. Okay he had thought that he didn’t believe, but like his dad said, you had to have something. Maybe he should give God another chance or maybe he should just grow up and accept that life sucked? All he knew was how much it hurt to think of going back to school tomorrow, of maybe having to face Noah and finding out that they couldn’t see each other anymore, or worse that they could. God how could he think this way? Didn’t he care about Noah or did he care for his own ass more?

Was he a coward? The thought had entered his mind a few times last night. Why did it matter so much this time if he got into fights? Why did it matter if he lost or not? It never really mattered before but now it bugged him. Maybe before it was just him and he never had thought about how it affected his parents or even Montana? Could it be that? Still, if he was really in love with Noah, shouldn’t he not be worried about this stuff? Shouldn’t he be more worried about what Noah’s parents might do or that they might not be allowed to see each other?

“I am scared”

“I know son”

“No, I don’t think you do, I mean I am scared of fighting”

“Of fighting or of fighting for Noah?”

“Both I guess”

“You afraid of losing?”

“A bit, but no, I think its something else, I just don’t know what”

“You not sure Noah is worth it?”

“I don’t know… maybe, or maybe that I am not worth it?”

Gary sat there with his head tilted upwards and his eyes blurred by the rays of the sun. The pain in his chest was real as he listened to the soft voice of his son knowing how much he was in pain. He didn’t know the answers to give him either which only increased his own feelings of guilt. He was supposed to help his boys but so far all he had done was lose one and now was maybe going to lose another one.

To tell him to walk away was on his lips but was that what he should say? To tell his son to back off would mean a lot less headaches for Dakota but also for him. Was he willing to tell him that because he believed it was the right course for his boy or was it because it would mean less trouble for him? God how do you know the truth he wondered, how?

Oh he had spoken the right words, about faith and everything but here he was, once more trying to wrestle with the truth and not knowing which way to turn. Did Dakota really feel that Noah might not be the one or was that simply his fear? Did he maybe worry about what his love with this boy might do to all of them so he was trying to find a way to back out?

If Dakota really did believe that Noah wasn’t the one for him then he needed to spare them all the grief that would come from seeing him now. If that was for real, if deep in his heart he really was unsure then he had to tell Dakota to back off, but was it real? There was no way for him to know or was there? His eyes narrowed as he stared upwards, searching his memory for something that was nagging at him, something that might help him give Dakota the right answers.

“You have been thinking about this since his parents came or before?”

“Kind of before, just before I guess”

“Why? Did he do something, say something?”

He really wasn’t sure how to explain it to his dad. Was it that he said it or was it maybe more than that? All he knew was that he got a chill when he heard school but if he was honest, it wasn’t really what he said as to what he thought. God was he hopeless but maybe if he talked about it, maybe he could figure it out?

“Said… it was about school”

“I see”

“I don’t, am I being a coward?”

He could hear the pain in his son’s voice. Worse he could even see it in his face. Gary’s heart ached too as he realized that there was a lot more to this. His instincts told him that it really wasn’t Noah had said or maybe not even what he had or hadn’t done, but that maybe Dakota was feeling tired, already beaten by all that had gone on with Montana. For a moment he once more hated this whole gay stuff, wishing for a mere instant that Dakota were normal. Then as the idea crept in he felt the shame too, because Dakota was normal, to say he wasn’t just because he was gay was being like all the others. God, what a world he thought as he tried to figure out how to answer his son. Part of him knew some of what he said was from fear, but was that it? Maybe some was from Dakota simply being tired, exhausted from having to be something he wasn’t and it was wearing him down.

“Depends I suppose on why you feel this way, sometimes you have to walk away, but tell me, why did you bring Noah out to the house? I don’t think you ever brought anyone home, why him?”

“I dunno, seemed right I suppose”

“He that good in, uh, he good as a… shit, he good in bed?”

“No… not really I guess, maybe in time, uh… this is weird, I don’t… I mean…”

Christ how do you talk about sex with your son when you didn’t even know what his kind of sex was? He had some idea but he just couldn’t quite figure it all out, still maybe that was part of this whole thing for Dakota, then again in his heart he was pretty well certain it had nothing to do with sex. He had to make sure and maybe in the process help Dakota realize that as well.

“Yeah but, well I know, feels damn strange talking to your dad about your gay partner, still… I mean, well if he isn’t that good, why then? Why bring him home to us?”

“It isn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, actually I did, I suppose you could say that it felt the best but wasn’t… I don’t know, shit. I never felt so good as when we were doing it, but after, I mean the actual stuff… it wasn’t done like… like it should be…”

“You mean emotionally he can’t be beat but in the style or technique he stunk?”

“Christ that sounds so… but yeah, I guess that is what I mean”

“Maybe he’s not as experienced as you?”

“God no he isn’t, this was uh, this was his first time”

“Oh shit”

“Yeah… maybe I rushed him and well, I don’t know, maybe he, damn I don’t know, it seemed so right then, but later, in thinking about it…”

“After he mentioned school?”

Was his dad trying to tell him he was a coward? Okay yeah the sex had been super, not sure how else he could describe it okay in style, maybe it wasn’t the best, but so what? Wasn’t it how he felt that counted and he knew, deep down he knew that what he had felt had been real. So was it the sex?

Staring at his feet he could feel his insides again, feel that strange glow that Noah gave him when they touched. There was no mistaking how that felt and yet here he was, trying to make out like it felt less than it was. Was it a way to make him feel better about what he was thinking?

“Kind of”

“Until then you didn’t care if his uh, his style was off?”

“No, never thought about it, I just… I don’t know, I feel so confused. I want to be with him, least part of me says I do, but then, well part of me says I am asking for trouble”

“Trouble or getting beaten up?”

For just a second he wanted to scream out yes, but he bit his tongue instead. Couldn’t his father understand that it was more than just that? How could he not be afraid of getting the crap kicked out of him or worse. Sure he wanted Noah, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle the responsibility it meant. Was he really just afraid of fighting or that he wasn’t sure if he loved Noah? Either way he guessed he was fucked.

“Maybe that, but no, not really. I guess I keep seeing him, beaten up and looking at me so disappointed, like I let him down”

“You didn’t beat him up”

“No, but if I lose the fights he could get hurt, then it would be my fault. Don’t you see? I don’t want to have him disappointed in me, I’d rather he hate me instead”

“So if you tell him you don’t love him, he will be safe, he won’t get hurt and you won’t get into fights you might lose, which means he won’t get hurt or disappointed in you, is that it?”

“Yeah, guess so”

“So all this talk about him not pleasing you, that’s what?”

“I don’t know, being stupid?”

“No, maybe its trying to convince yourself that you don’t care for him like you know you do, makes it easier to get him to hate you then doesn’t it?”

He did care for him though, so how could it be that? Why didn’t he understand that he just didn’t want to be the one who had to do all this? Maybe it was that he was sure how he felt, just that he wasn’t so sure about Noah? Hell he was Noah’s first, maybe it was just infatuation or something? Maybe it was because they came from two different types of life, or maybe he just wasn’t certain that Noah would stand by him?

“No, well maybe a bit”

“Also gives you a good excuse for trying to hide that hurt you have inside, that hole where you keep his feelings. That way when you miss him and it aches so much, you can have an excuse all ready, that he really wasn’t good in bed, or his hair was too short, or something, right?”

“No, you make it sound so cruel, I don’t think like that, I care for him, I just don’t want to fight, I don’t want to get him hurt because I lose, I’d rather remember him as it was up in the tree house than him lying somewhere being disappointed cause I couldn’t lick some dude, it is for him…”

“Him or for you?”

“Me? No, I can handle a few bruises and stuff”

“I know, I know too that Montana could as well but even he was reaching his end when he got the news. God only knows how it would have all played out if he hadn’t gotten sick, and that Dakota is what worries you now, isn’t it?”

Yes okay? That was some of it, he had seen it and felt it. He had seen the pain in his brother each time he had to go to school, saw the fear that he tried to hide from everyone. Yes that was it, part of it anyhow. He didn’t want to feel like dirt all day long. What was so wrong in just wanting to go on as things were, without risking everyone knowing? Yes he wanted Noah too but Noah couldn’t keep it quiet, there was no way he wouldn’t let something slip, then what? Couldn’t his dad understand that simple thing, he didn’t want to be gay?

“Some I suppose”

“A lot maybe? Maybe you wonder what Noah would do, maybe all this is simply that you don’t care for him, maybe he was just a what, a quick romp? Is that how you look at him?”

“NO! Shit I don’t think of him that way, he is more than that. Christ he has a smile to die for, and he’s smart too, you don’t know how smart he is. There are lots of things about him that I like, stuff like how he laughs, the way he smells even. I know its hard to imagine, but he has talent too, he can act and he might not be good at sports but he can do lots of other stuff and…”

“And yet you want to dump him”

He just didn’t understand it. Noah was everything a guy could want, could even ask for even. Trouble was, deep down in his own heart he felt dirty, felt ashamed of being just what Noah wasn’t afraid of. He didn’t want to be gay, he didn’t’ want to go thru his whole life wondering if the person would find out or if they would attack him. He just wanted to be like all the others, go thru school and not worry about fighting, not worry about who would be next. Was that so wrong or selfish? Yes he wanted Noah, but damn it why couldn’t Noah be a girl and he normal?

“No, it is just… damn I wish I knew what to say”

“Say what is in your heart son, forget the logic, Christ if I listened to my brain back when I was first met your mother none of you kids would have been born”

“What does that… I don’t see how…”

“Dakota, faith isn’t just about God, faith is about believing in what you can’t see or in what doesn’t make sense. Your heart is telling you how it feels, your mind is telling you it doesn’t make sense, that it is risky, dangerous even but if you have faith in what your heart says, if you have faith in that love you feel for him, then all this worry won’t amount to a hill of beans”

“But what if I am not good enough for him? What if I fail him? What if…”

“What if a bus hits you, what if a tornado comes and takes us all away or what if you are good enough for him?”

“Or not?”

He looked over at his son and wondered what it was that was eating at him. Dakota had never seemed so insecure before or dejected either. Even Montana’s death hadn’t made him seem this lost, this confused. Looking at him he tried to reach inside, to try and find that one spot where the truth lay. Could Dakota be a coward was one thought but he had seen him, seen how he had this way that no coward could have. No, Dakota wasn’t a coward in that sense. He would fight if pushed, if he had reason to so what then?

Staring at the boy’s face he could see the fear in his eyes but there was something else as well. There was hatred in the eyes but for what he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Noah or him so what? What was making his son want to pass up an opportunity that may never come his way again? It was hard enough in the straight world to find a companion, doubly harder in his son’s world. Why would he give up something that he even admitted felt right, felt good?

“Dakota…”

They both turned around at the sudden voice that came to them. Gary saw a tall man standing a bit behind the young boy and he could see the lines of strain on his face even from here. His heart ached as he saw the warm glow on the boy’s face as he waited for Dakota to answer him. Inside he knew it wasn’t the right time, that it was not a blessing.

Dakota seemed to jump at the sound of his name from behind and as he turned and saw Noah standing there, his heart felt like it would break apart. God this wasn’t what he wanted, not now. There was still so much he wanted to think about, to get straight but then looking at him seeing him standing there he knew that now was just as good as any other time.

“Noah… how, I mean…”

“We went to your place first, your mom told us how to get here… uh, you okay?”

“Uh… yeah, yeah I am fine, uh, your dad, does this mean that…”

“He’s cool Dakota, he isn’t going to stop us… I told you, didn’t I?”

“Uh yeah, yeah you did…”

Why wasn’t Dakota jumping up and down? He looked so sad, so unhappy that his own joy began to weaken a little. He hadn’t been sure what he expected but this wasn’t it. Something was up but he still couldn’t quite feel what. He was just too excited by the change of events and all he could think about was sharing it with Dakota. Hell part of him was hoping that he could stay the night with him, and maybe this time he could, well maybe this time he would last longer.

All the way here all he could think about was how good it would feel to put his arms around Dakota. He could almost taste the salt that would come from having Dakota’s mouth pressed against his as they would hug and kiss and all of that but now, now that seemed just a distant dream as Dakota only stared up at him, hardly even moving.

“What’s wrong? You don’t sound thrilled… didn’t you understand? My folks, they aren’t going…”

“I understand, uh, shit… let’s go over there, okay?”

“Okay, but…”

“Please”

Noah felt a cold chill creep into his body at the pleading word that came from Dakota. He had slowly stood up, as if he was dreading having to stand next to him even. Something was wrong and for a moment or two he was certain it had to do with Dakota’s own parents. Maybe they objected to him, but he could handle that. If he could convince his parents that they were right for each other, he could convince Dakota’s.

They walked down the hill a bit and then Dakota turned to look at Noah. He could see the shining face and glowing eyes which only made him hurt even more. He knew he had no choice really even though he doubted if anyone would understand. Maybe if Montana was still here he might but maybe not even him. He sighed as he let his eyes stare down at the grass instead of looking into Noah’s face.

“Look Noah, uh, I been thinking…”

“Me too, I know that…”

“Let me talk okay?”

There was a sharpness to Dakota’s voice that only made him tremble more. He felt a coldness deep inside his heart as he tried to look at Dakota, but instead Dakota kept looking away. Noah felt panic as he wondered what had happened, wondering why suddenly he felt so alone, so empty inside. All the way here he had felt like nothing could stop him from being with Dakota, with the person he loved. Now it all felt like he was about to have his whole world once more explode in his face. First his parents last night and now Dakota?

“Uh yeah, okay, what is it? I get the idea you aren’t… your dad doesn’t want us to be together, is that it?”

“No, he is okay with it”

“Oh good, man you had me worried”

“Noah it is me, okay? Me. I don’t want to us to be together, okay?”

Noah stood there, silent as his eyes opened wide and he stared at Dakota. The wind seemed to rustle the tree behind him a bit louder or maybe it was the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces, he wasn’t sure which. He shook his head as if maybe he had heard wrong, but looking at Dakota he knew he heard him right. It didn’t make sense as he felt a strange dullness in the pit of his stomach. Where he had felt nothing but joy was now empty of any feeling. The sun was shining but to his eyes it felt like he was suddenly caught in a black hole of space. There was no light or warmth as he stood there, his body trembling as the words banged around inside of him, cutting him into tiny pieces.

“Huh? Dakota… what?”

“I can’t, I just can’t be, I know that it is maybe the worst mistake but I can’t Noah, I just can’t”

“But last night… why? What did I do? You have to tell me, please Dakota…”

“I just don’t want a boyfriend, I thought I did, I am sorry, but…”

“No, no that isn’t it, what is it? Tell me… Christ was I that bad last night, I can learn to be better, give me a chance, please…”

Why couldn’t he just accept what he said? Christ he was such a drama, no, no that was wrong, it wasn’t Noah’s fault for this, it was his and he felt the pain inside. Just like his dad said, he was using excuses to make it easier but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t want to be gay, how could he tell Noah that? How could he tell anyone that who he was wasn’t what he wanted? It wasn’t like anyone could change it for him, not even God if there was one. Maybe that was why he didn’t believe anymore, because all his prayers and wishes had fallen on a deaf ear?

Dakota shivered a little as he glanced up at Noah’s pain riddled face. He could see the tears already rolling down his face and he wanted to just reach out, grab him and hug him and tell him to forget it, that he did want him but he held back, knowing that this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let him go on thinking it would work when inside he knew it couldn’t. His own heart ached as he looked back at the grass, wishing it would just open and swallow him up, knowing too that it wouldn’t.

“No it isn’t that, you were awesome, I just, I just don’t want a boyfriend, I uh, I don’t want to be tied down to one person… that is all”

“But… that isn’t what you said, there has to be something else, please, I don’t want to be a part from you Dakota, God please…”

“It just isn’t what I want.. I thought I did but I don’t, there isn’t any other reason, honest”

The shock was making him shake as he stood there. His whole world was suddenly gone and he didn’t know why. Everything he had hoped for seemed within reach this morning and now it simply didn’t even exist. How could Dakota have changed so much in such a short time? He loved him, he had said so only last night and yet now, now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at him. What had he done? What?

“I don’t believe you”

“It’s the truth Noah, besides, you’ll find someone else, you are cute”

It was like a light had gone off. He stepped back a step in disbelieve. Could it be that he had been wrong about Dakota? He didn’t think so but it was almost as if all he was to Dakota was a fuck. That was impossible but he had read about that, how some guys liked virgins and their tight Asses. Could that be all that Dakota had been wanting, to have his dick in Noah’s virgin ass?

The pain and confusion began to turn to anger as he heard the words echo in his head. How could Dakota say that, didn’t he know that he loved him? Did he really think that all Noah had wanted was to get fucked? Shit how could he do that to him? He had tried and all Dakota could say was that he was cute? Cute?

“Is that all I am to you? Cute?”

“No, but… I am sorry”

“Fuck that… Christ do you know what kind of hell I went through last night? I fought for us, I risked getting thrown out of my home for us, how can you just… how?”

Why couldn’t Noah let it go? It was over, there were plenty of other guys for him to drool over, why did he seem so fixed on it being him? Christ, he had lots of others, none of them made this kind of fuss before, so why did Noah have to? His own anger flashed out as he finally let his eyes meet Noah’s.

“Look, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, don’t blame me for that.”

“Who should I blame? Christ, you make it sound like all I was was some fuck, is that it? Was I just some tight ass that you wanted to fuck?”

“I guess, if that’s what you want to think”

“What else am I supposed to think?”

“Look, at least I am telling you now before it got worse, okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?”

“Yeah I guess we can. Fuck Dakota, I thought you were special, God I only wanted to please you, how can you…”

“It isn’t you Noah, it is me, okay? I know you are pissed but later, well, later maybe you’ll know that this was for the best”

“So you say”

“Yeah”

“FUCK You!”

He turned and ran up the hill, pushing past Dakota’s dad and past his own father who stared at him with his mouth open. He had heard some of what was being said and he didn’t know what to do. His eyes looked at Dakota’s father with a puzzled look and all he could get was a deep sense of sadness. Something had gone on but he didn’t know exactly what. He saw his son rushing past with tears streaming down his face and all he could think of was how much he wished he had never heard of this Dakota or their whole twisted family.

Without a word he turned and followed his son away from the two others. He didn’t know what had happened but inside he felt a bit relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about coming home tomorrow to find out if his son had been beaten up or not. At least for now he wouldn’t have to worry all night if his son would be hurt or if he was using proper precautions when with that boy. He shook his head as he trudged along the manicured grass feeling thankful on the one hand, angry and hurt on the other.

This whole gay stuff was too much to comprehend. Part of him was relieved at the turn of events while an other part was outraged. Didn’t that Dakota boy know what he was missing out on? Didn’t he know how good of a person his son was? Well it was his loss and not Noah’s and he knew that he would have a tough time trying to explain that to Noah. God why was life so damn hard on the kids?

Gary watched Noah and his father leave. His heart felt heavy as he turned from them to stare over at his own son. Part of him felt relief and yet even as he tried to make it seem okay, he knew deep down that what Dakota had done was a mistake, even perhaps wrong. There was no doubt that Dakota was confused and scared but still, Noah had been a bright spot in his life until he had to face reality. Now he had turned that bright spot away, and for what? It was only postponing reality because eventually his son would be found out, didn’t he know that?

“Son…”

“Please dad, not now”

“No, I am sorry, I know you are hurting…”

He just wanted to run, to run and keep on running until his legs gave out. Why did he have to be here, why did he have to go through all this? Wasn’t it bad enough that he just ruined whatever hope he ever had at being happy? Wasn’t it enough that he had hurt the one person who loved him for him? God wasn’t it bad enough to have lost his brother, but now this?

“Dad Please! Not now”

“Dakota, you can’t run from it”

“I can try”

“At what cost son?”

“Any cost”

“Even your soul?”

“I have no soul”

“No?”

“No”

“Then why are you crying?”

He stared up at his father who had slowly made his way down to where he had been standing. He could feel the love in the man’s face and he wished he knew what to do, it felt so hard to be who he was. Why didn’t it feel better now? Why was he crying?

All he wanted was to be happy, to not have to worry about what he said or how it might be taken. He just wanted to run and laugh like anyone else, to feel the love of someone and to love someone. Why did it have to be a guy? Why did he have to be different? Wasn’t it enough for God to have made Montana that way, why did he have to make him that way too? He didn’t want to be gay, he just wanted to have what everyone else had and now he knew that he never would. There would be no walks in the woods, no hugs when he felt sore or hurt, no kisses to help make the day seem brighter and all because he was a coward. All because all he could think of was himself but how could he love Noah if he couldn’t love himself? How could he stand up for Noah and him when he himself didn’t want to be gay?

Gary reached out and gently tilted up his son’s chin, looking him in the eyes and he could see the pain deep within him. He could feel his pain now and it made him tremble as he put his hand on Dakota’s shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his forehead. He let the tall blonde boy fall into his arms and he could feel the sobs as the tears that flowed from his son’s eyes drenched his shirt.

His arms wrapped around the trembling figure and he felt Dakota’s own arms suddenly close around his waist. He felt their strength as they dug deep into his body and held on as if life itself depended it. The deep sobs only told him how much agony his son was in and he looked upwards, wishing he knew what to do. His lips parted slightly as he prayed silently, begging God to give him the strength and wisdom on what to do for his son. He felt his own tears now rolling down his face as he too hung on, knowing that it was no longer in his control.

The Locker – Chapter 1

 

Chapter 1

Monday

8:20 a.m.

Noah lifted his head up and stared at the long corridor. To one side lay a bank of lockers; to the other lay the open courtyard to the main outside lunch area. The area was particularly crowded this morning as the bussed students from Brock were trying to figure out where their lockers were, or at least where the one’s they would be sharing were. Already the school year had gotten off to a lousy start for Noah and now it was only getting worse, having to share a locker with someone. Granted it wasn’t the fault of the Brock High School kids that their school got torched over the weekend, but he had enough headaches to deal with. Already he was getting razzed about his screw up from last season, even though he thought it would be forgotten some kids loved to keep reminding everyone that he was different even though there was no proof. Least he didn’t think there was but it wasn’t like anyone cared.

Besides it wasn’t his fault, the damn drama teacher had made him play the part and he needed the grade. So it meant wearing a dress, it didn’t make him a fag like all the stupid jocks said, just cause they couldn’t act worth shit didn’t make drama a pussy sport as Hector said, like he’d know anyways.

His face was set in a scowl as he walked down the cement walkway towards where his locker was as he remembered the first day of school, only two weeks ago, but already it seemed like a year, when Hector had nailed him in the lunch enclave. At the top of his stupid bass voice he wanted to know if Noah had gotten any new dresses for this season, or was he going to just wear the same old frock. Christ what an ass he was and naturally the whole school laughed, like it was a big joke, but it didn’t stop there. Someone, and he was sure it was Hector and his gang of mental midgets had scrawled on his locker pussy boy, faggot, and even girlie boy, but no one cared, least the principle didn’t. Hell, the guy even made him clean it up, like it was his fault or something.

Things hadn’t gone easier the rest of the week either, his first assignment in science and he got teamed up with Marvin, which only gave Hector more to tease him about too. Marvin wasn’t exactly a bad person, but if you ever wanted to know what a stereotypical gay was all you had to do was look at Marvin. The guy had to have a swivel in his hips the way they kept swishing to and fro, and the high-pitched voice and hand gestures, Christ it was enough to make anyone yell ‘FLAMER’ and he got stuck with him first off. No discussion, no chance to weasel out and naturally Hector made a big deal of it, wanting to know if Marvin was ‘man enough’ for him or if they shared dresses after school. The science teacher, Mr. Wolcott laughed the loudest too which sure as hell didn’t help matters and now he was an easy target for everyone. It just wasn’t fair and he could see it only getting worse as the semester went on. Now he had a new ‘locker buddy’ and with his luck, it’d most likely be another Marvin.

As he came closer to his locker he could see a tall young guy standing near it, his head was turning to watch everyone passing by, and he had the most gorgeous long dark hair he had ever seen. The guy looked so friggin hot that Noah could feel his 6 inch cock already rising up. The guy was leaning two lockers away from his own and he wished that he would have been his locker buddy but no such luck, of that he was certain. Man, the way the guy looked so self assured, so confident and yet he was in a new school, one he hadn’t known before. Noah licked his lips as he wished he could luck out and seeing the locker he was leaning on, he really felt down, because it belonged to Rusty who he had a crush on last year. Now he was HOT and yet he didn’t seem to act like one who was perhaps the most popular guy on campus. Even as a sophomore he was popular among the seniors and now, well now there would be no competition for that honour.

Rusty was everyone’s favourite, the super student who had good grades, not honour roll but close, was a great athlete in Track and Swimming, and the most sought after date by every female in the school. He was liked by the teachers and everyone always seemed to hang on his every word, but he always said ‘hi’ to whoever passed by him. It was the one highlight of what was mostly a lousy day to see Rusty in the morning, and to have him smile and say hi. Christ, it wasn’t that he was queer or anything, and Noah knew that too, just that it did give him something to look forward to other than Hector’s hazing. He sighed, because he knew that as perfect as he thought Rusty was, Rusty laughed like the rest did when Hector teased him, but at least he didn’t start any of the comments. That was something wasn’t it?

He slowed down a bit as he came up to Rusty’s locker and his eyes couldn’t help but stare a little at the new kid. Christ he was so fucking hot that Noah was certain that he would cream his fucking drawers if the guy so much as said BOO to him. His eyes had that look, a certain gleam to them that just melted a person’s will to hide anything from his probing thoughts. It was like the guy was just so complete, so totally in charge of himself that you could feel his self-confidence. Shit, what he wouldn’t give to have one tenth of that confidence but then maybe if he looked that good he would, instead of looking like the male version of twiggy.

Christ everything about this new kid looked good. His hair was shoulder length, a dark rich brown colour that seemed to glimmer in the sunlight coming in from the sides, and his eyes were already enough to die for. His lips were thin and pale but they suited his long narrow face. The way his nose was just right for it and Noah could see the way each nostril flared a little as he breathed in. That in itself got his dick hard as he saw the chest push out and then in as the kid breathed. He wore a simply blue button down shirt, long sleeves but rolled up past his elbows and the skin was a deep golden tan colour, the kind that sun worshippers would kill for. The shirt fitted snugly and with each inhale of his lungs, you could see the buttons shake a little and the muscles in his stomach made the fabric ripple.

Noah tightened the grip on his books as he walked past, lowering his face but trying to sneak a peak from under his eyelids. He breathed in deeply smelling a sort of apple fragrance and wondered what type of shampoo he used, or if it was a soap scent, because whatever it was, it was friggin perfect. It just had the right hint of apple to it and if anything, it made him seem even more desirable. Shit, it would be all he needed now was to have the kid notice him gawking, it wouldn’t take Hector long to find out and add to his discomfort. Shit, he thought, as he moved past him towards his own locker where he stopped, turning his back to the new kid to help take his mind of the absolute rock hard chest and well built legs that the kid had. Nothing had ever felt like this before, the way his own breathing seemed to be labouring as he reached for the combination lock on the door and he knew his legs were trembling a little too as he just couldn’t shake the image of this new kid from his mind.

The tap on his shoulder startled him so much that the books under his arm went falling to the floor in an instant just as the soft voice asked if he was Noah. His head snapped to turn towards the offending person, his books at his feet, when his jaw fell open as he saw the hot new kid standing right next to him. He could smell that apple scent now and he knew it had to be soap and shampoo as he looked into the boy’s face, seeing the gleam in his deep dark brown eyes. He knew his mouth was open but he couldn’t speak, and he could feel his cock, it was moving around inside his pants and he felt the pressure in his crotch, praying he could keep himself together for a minute longer. His lungs ached as he tried to breath inwards, but the pounding of his heart seemed to get in the way, as it roared and his ears echoed to the harsh beat.

Kid “Uh, sorry, you Noah?”

He knew he couldn’t look at him, no way, not this early in the morning and he bent down quickly to gather up his fallen books, hoping he could keep his obvious desire hidden until he could get control over the raging thoughts that were passing into his mind. Noah was stuttering as he tried to answer, wishing for one brief instant that he had the type of confidence that he had seen in this kid’s face only moments earlier.

Noah “Uh, yeah, yeah that’s me, uh why?”

The kid squatted down on his legs; helping to pick up a book or two and his face was level with Noah’s as he spoke. Noah couldn’t help himself but the hardness of his groin was killing him and yet as he stared into the dark rich eyes, he felt like everything he had kept hidden was under assault. Every secret part of his mind, his heart, even his soul was suddenly flung open to the probing mind of the guy in front of him.

Kid “Didn’t mean to startle you, I am Dakota, guess we are supposed to share a locker?”

Noah “Dakota?”

Dakota “Yeah, it’s a long story, but all of us got named after states”

Noah “Uh, Dakota is a nice name, my folks liked the bible ones, uh, so, uh, sorry about being a dufus, uh I mean…”

Dakota “Cool, so uh, am I supposed, I mean, do I meet you here or how’s this work, never had to do this before.”

Noah “Huh? Oh, sorry, no I’ll give you the combination, its uh, shit, sorry, not been a good day”

Dakota “Didn’t mean to throw you off, want me to hold those while you open up?”

His heart started to pound even harder as he looked into Dakota’s face. God he was so fucking handsome, it was unreal how he looked and those eyes, shit he couldn’t stop himself from staring into them and yet he knew that he was making a total ass out of himself, he just couldn’t help it as he kept stuttering, wishing he had more balls. His mind was confused enough now it had this perfect face to drool over and he could feel the ache in his groin, feel it ripping deep into his soul and despite the panic he managed to suck in enough air to at least not hyperventilate.

Noah “Open up? Huh? Oh, shit, sorry, thanks”

He stood up, hoping that his obvious thoughts wouldn’t be that obvious as he handed over his books. His hand touched Dakota’s and he felt a sudden shock suddenly run through his whole body. His legs felt like rubber and he was certain he’d collapse if he didn’t move his hand away quickly. Christ, the touch was like a sudden burst of lightning had hit him and his eyes had strayed, looking down at Dakota’s hand and at the same time, he stole a quick look at the boy’s crotch, his mind already fantasizing about what lay inside those faded tight pair of jeans.

Dakota “you okay?”

Noah “Yeah, sorry, Monday you know?”

Dakota “Yeah, so, someone don’t like you?”

Panic seized him and he felt like someone had placed their hand deep into his chest, gripping it and squeezing it tightly as he trembled. His hand shook and the lock rattled against the metal of the locker door as he heard the soft-spoken question. Damn, what was this about?

Noah “Huh? No, why? What uh, I mean, uh…”

Dakota “The faded paint on the door, can still see it… Looks like someone…”

Noah “Oh that! No, no just some guys fooling around, no big deal, really”

Dakota “Cool, so, what’s this place like?”

Noah “Uh it’s okay, it’s well, it’s school”

Dakota “Yeah, school… never thought I’d say it, but I kind of, well never mind, can you write down the combination for me?”

Noah “Yeah sure, uh, I’ll just get this shit off the top shelf, you can have that if you want, or you prefer the bottom?”

Dakota “haha, don’t matter to me, either works”

Noah “Huh?”

Dakota “Nothing, inside joke, my brother, uh, he used… shit, sorry,”

Noah stared at Dakota, seeing him suddenly turn away and he could have sworn that the guy had tears in his eyes. Man it was strange, one second the guy was being happy, smiling even, which made him wish he could take a picture of him, the way his whole face seemed to light up as his lips parted and the smile formed across it, and then ‘wham’ he looked like the entire world had just ended.

Noah “Uh, you okay? I mean did I…”

Dakota “huh? No I am fine, sorry, thinking about my older brother, gets me bit sappy, not your fault”

Noah “Oh”

Dakota “Yeah”

Noah “Uh, here, this is the combination”

Dakota “Uh huh, well… thanks, now can you tell me where the science lab, uh, room 109 is?”

Noah “Sure, hang on sec and I’ll show you…”

Dakota “That’s okay, just point me in the right direction, I’ll find it”

Noah “No problem, I have that first period too, but uh, didn’t they give you a home room?”

Dakota “Shit, yeah, Mr Reese?”

Noah “That’s his right over there, the one with the all the girls standing by it, uh mine is the one next to it, if you wait for me after home room, I’ll show you the science lab, if you want”

Dakota “Sure? I mean… that would be great”

Noah “No problem, uh, we better go, Reese hates people coming late, I had him last year”

Dakota “Thanks, uh, sure you don’t mind showing me?”

Noah “No, no problem, like I said I have science first too, so…”

Dakota “Thanks”

He couldn’t help himself; the way Dakota moved down the hallway it was like he was gliding more than just walking. Every movement seemed so effortless as he headed towards the homeroom and all Noah could do was follow behind, his eyes almost bulging as he stared at the way the tight cheeks of Dakota moved from side to side. They looked so perfect, like tiny moons secured in a patch of faded blue, almost like a dawn’s early sky really and he cursed himself, knowing that as long as he kept thinking like this he was flirting with disaster. With his luck, Dakota would notice if he hadn’t yet, and then he’d really be in trouble. Least with Hector’s teasing, well it was because of drama, not like he had been caught making a move on someone, this, this would be way different and he lowered his head, feeling like he was walking headlong into trouble.

12:30 p.m.

He didn’t know why he was sitting out here, it was an open invitation for Hector and his buddies to harass him, but he just couldn’t stop himself from being here, after all Dakota would be here, and he just couldn’t get enough of watching him. Christ he felt like he was some love sick puppy dog the way he had followed him around, hell it had even made him late for English but he really didn’t care. To just be able to see him, to see his face light up as he spoke, or to see the way he simply moved was enough, well at least it would have to be.

The morning hadn’t been all that great but somehow it didn’t really matter. He seemed to feel like all that went on was just, well just an interlude really until he could be at his locker, to meet Dakota. He knew in his mind that he was building this up into something that would never happen and as he sat there, he spotted Dakota coming into the common area, a tray in his hand. For a brief second he thought that maybe if he stood up and waved that Dakota might actually come to sit with him, a dream that would last a long time but it never happened. He never stood up and as he sat there, feeling like a total coward he saw a girl walk up to the object of his desire.

She really wasn’t bad looking, short though but she had really amazing long hair, and then to his hearts dismay he saw Dakota laugh and tussle her hair and then he placed his arm over her shoulder and together they walked off to another end of the courtyard. His whole spirit seemed crushed as he stared in their direction, watching them sit side by side, their faces constantly turned towards each other, she laughing at something, tossing her head back and his own hand reached around to brush his shorter hair off his ears. Damn, why did SHE have to show up he thought as he chewed on his sandwich, not even tasting it really as his thoughts were all focused on Dakota and the new girl.

Funny, he knew in his mind that there never would be anything more between him and Dakota other than being locker buddies, yet in his heart he could feel a growing dislike for that pert little girl with the long dark flowing hair that sat with him. He couldn’t explain it if forced to, but he was already thinking of her as some tramp from Brock that had her hooks into his man, his Dakota. He shook his head as he reached for his milk carton, taking a long swig of the white liquid, wondering if Dakota liked milk and not the cold kind either. Christ, he was becoming an absolute idiot he thought as he wrenched his head away from Dakota and the girl. She had to be putting out, that had to be it and he grew angry at that thought, of Dakota and her writhing together in some bed, his lean tanned body towering over her small frame. It all flashed before him and the anger sparkled in his eyes as he turned to stare at them, to see his arm once more around her shoulders.

Marvin “Man you look pissed, Hector at it again?”

He hadn’t even noticed Marvin coming in let alone sitting down next to him. Christ, it was bad enough to have put up with him in Science, and worse, to have let Dakota see him with Marvin. Why couldn’t Marvin have been sick or something today, and why did that fucking asshole Wolcott have to make him his lab partner? Damn it really was annoying and now here he was, like shit sticking to the bottom of your boot, sitting next to him and worse, talking to him. How the hell could Dakota not notice that, and make the quantum leap that he and Marvin were friends?

Noah “No Hector isn’t at it again, and what business is it of yours anyway?”

Marvin “Shit, no reason to bite my head off, just trying to be friendly.”

Noah “Yeah well your friendship I don’t need, I got enough headaches as it is”

Marvin “uh, sorry, didn’t mean to, uh sorry”

Marvin got up and started to walk away when Noah realized how what he said must feel, knowing they were hurtful because they would really hurt if say Dakota had said them to him, and before Marvin could get too far, he called him back.

Noah “Sorry, I, I didn’t really mean it the way it sounded, I guess it’s, well, it’s just been a tough few weeks”

Marvin “I understand, look its okay Noah, I guess I just assumed, well… sorry, I’ll uh head off, not really safe to be here anyhow”

Noah “No, please, look I didn’t mean it that way, you can sit here if you want”

Marvin “Thanks, but, I think not, I mean, hell I don’t even know why I came in the first place, guess I was day dreaming”

Noah “I really didn’t mean it Marvin, please, I feel bad enough, honest I am just in a mood I guess.”

Marvin “Yeah, you did look kind of pissed, that’s why, I mean, I know it isn’t easy, Hector can be real nasty, but he’ll get over bugging you, soon as this science thing is over, he’ll move on”

Noah “I know, it is just, shit, I didn’t really do anything to give him the idea that, well, that…”

Marvin “I know, one of the downsides of being in the drama club, why I dropped it last year”

Noah “You were in the drama club?”

Marvin “Yeah, well not really in it, I was signing up and… hell it doesn’t matter does it? Don’t let Hector get to you Noah, he isn’t worth it”

Noah turned away from watching Dakota and the girl to look at Marvin. For a brief instant he was sure that he saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt that he had caused but then as he looked a bit closer, he realized that it wasn’t just from his stupid words, but was something that went a lot deeper. For the first time he took a long look at Marvin, seeing the way his hair was askew, a sort of rumpled look to it. In many ways it seemed to suit his face, a rather thin pale one and yet, if you looked at him long enough you could see a sort of, well shine underneath. It was almost as if there was something hidden under the skin, just waiting for the right time to come out and yet as he looked in the boys eyes, all he could see was a whole lot of pain and shame even.

Noah “I don’t, well for the most part I don’t, he ride you a lot?”

Marvin “Hector? Yeah some, he’s a jerk but fairly harmless, it’s the others, the one’s who you never really see, they are the one’s who are the worst”

Noah “The others? What others?”

Marvin had a strange far away look in his face, and for a brief moment or two Noah was sure he saw terror and hatred inside of Marvin’s face. Weird really, to see someone that had been the butt of most jokes about gays look the way he did, the anger that was inside seemed to dark, so complete that it scared him as he saw it, and he wondered just what was it that had Marvin feeling that way.

Marvin “The one’s who spur the Hector’s on, guy’s like Rusty for instance”

Noah “Oh come on, Rusty? No way man, he’s too cool for that, I mean, shit, he even helped me clean up my locker after Hector, well after it got written on”

Marvin “Yeah I noticed, and that’s why he’s more dangerous, he’s the type who gives the Hector’s the ideas, then he sits back and acts like the great guy that everyone can look up to, no Noah, don’t be fooled by the likes of him, he’s more of a threat than Hector ever could be, least Hector, he’s out in the open with his hatred… Look, I should get going, uh, thanks anyways, but this isn’t a place I want to be at, just, well, just don’t let it get to you, okay? I mean, well, you are one of the nice guys, see you”

Before he could think of anything to say to Marvin’s words, Marvin was up and heading down the corridor away from the area. Strange, he still couldn’t believe what Marvin had said about Rusty, it just couldn’t be true. Rusty was one of the really nice guys, even if he was the most popular, he never seemed to make you feel like, well like he was condescending. Marvin had to be wrong, maybe it was just that he had thoughts about Rusty and let them get too far, maybe he even said something and got rebuffed, that would explain it, wouldn’t it?

Whatever else was going on, this was certainly turning out to be a different day for him and as he turned back to stare once more at Dakota he took in a deep breathe, because he saw Rusty, standing right next to Dakota. God, to see those two together like that was almost numbing, blinding really as both of them were total hunks in their own ways. Dakota though seemed to have an edge, mainly because he just seemed so much more at ease than Rusty, something Noah had never noticed before. Wild, how listening to someone’s paranoia could make you see things that you had missed before, but the way Rusty was standing, it was almost as if he was nervous, in a very quiet way. Now what would Rusty need to feel nervous about with Dakota and that bimbo that was obviously in love with Dakota?

Sitting there, he wondered if maybe Rusty was feeling that Dakota would give him a run for most popular? Dakota sure had the looks and his smile, he still could see the way his face lit up and yet there was something else about Dakota, something that he hadn’t ever seen in Rusty’s face at all, a sort of defiant confidence or maybe it was a strength of some kind. Whatever it was, it only added fuel to the crazy thoughts that swirled around inside his head and he sat there, enjoying lunch for the first time this school year, enjoying it because he was day dreaming, enjoying a mirage of him and Dakota, fending off the advances of no less than Rusty himself, and he felt the heat rising up and he looked once more towards where Dakota was sitting.

Maybe it was life’s way of bringing him down to earth but it wasn’t a scene he particularly wished to have seen at that moment. His fantasy quickly vanished as he saw Dakota stand up and then bend down to kiss the girl on her cheek, and then watch her kiss him back, on his cheek. Damn, hell of a way to ruin a nice hot fantasy but then he should have known better, even in his dreams they rarely ended with him riding off in the sunset with the hot stud, so what could he expect in the real world? He couldn’t explain why he felt so sad as he put his tray away and he too headed off to get on with school. He had his books with him and even as he thought about going back to the locker, he knew that it would be useless, that Dakota would be long gone by now so he trudged on down the hallway, away from the locker.

He looked at his watch, the dial glowing a bit and he stood back up, feeling a bit sad actually as he stared down one end of the corridor and then down the other end, still not seeing who he had expected. Maybe he had been wrong, but he didn’t think so, but he just didn’t have time to dwell on it as he headed away from the locker, heading off towards his next class. Maybe later, or maybe not, but he could always hope.

2:45 p.m.

Noah came around the corner and stopped, as he saw the small figure staring at the spot that was his, well his and Dakota’s now and he grew disgusted, recognizing the figure as the girl that had been throwing herself all over Dakota at lunch. God, wasn’t it bad enough that she was the one sitting next to him at lunch, now she was intruding on what he thought was his only time to live in his fantasy world. Well, he’d tell her, he thought as he walked towards the locker, seeing her turn to stare at him.

For a minute he blinked, seeing the way she looked at him, the way her eyes seemed to peer at him and for a minute he wasn’t sure if he was having a really bad nightmare or what but he was certain that he could see, but no that couldn’t be, it was impossible. He had just spent way too much time daydreaming and that was all there was to it. He came up to the locker and looked at her, sort of daring her to speak but she just waited, and stared down at the floor before once more looking up at him.

He was about to say something to her when he turned to see Dakota coming down the hallway and he noticed how her face lit up, the way she suddenly straightened up as if her day had just been capped off. It was weird, cause it was sort of how he wished he could feel, to know that Dakota was coming for him, but he knew that was silly, yet he did feel a sort of jealous pang at the way she looked, the way her whole face had once more lit up like a Christmas tree. It just wasn’t fair as he turned away to concentrate on opening the locker, trying desperately to ignore her presence, but as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t do it. She even smelled like Dakota, that same apple fresh scent wafted past him and he banged his knuckle as the lock refused to pop open and he had to start all over again.

Dakota “Hey you made it, cool, any trouble finding it?”

Girl “Nope, exactly where you said”

Dakota “Great, so you meet Noah?”

Girl “No, he just got here, but you were right”

It was almost as if he wasn’t even there, and just what was Dakota right about? Had they talked about him at lunch, and just who was she? Noah had to admit though, she was kind of good looking for a girl, and she had a lot of Dakota’s looks in her face, the way her eyes seemed to sparkle just like his, but then if he had someone like Dakota to moon over, his eyes would sparkle too or so he thought. For the life of him he couldn’t explain why he was going off on the deep end over Dakota and trying to put himself into the mix, it wasn’t like he even knew the guy’s last name or even what he liked, but something about him had tweaked his imagination, Christ whatever it was had gotten his imagination working overtime. That in itself was dangerous enough but this uncontrollable jealousy, that was something very new for Noah and it worried him, worried him that he’d wind up shooting his mouth off and get into more trouble than he wanted.

Noah “Excuse me?”

Dakota “Nothing man, say hi to Arizona”

Noah “Arizona?”

Arizona “Yeah, but heck, could have been worse and been called Florida I suppose”

Noah “Uh, yeah I… you two related?”

Dakota “Christ yeah, this is my little sister, I mean shit you don’t think there are two sets of parents going around calling all their kids after states do you?”

It was like he had suddenly been set free from years of captivity as wild images of him and Dakota together flashed before him. Hell he could even see himself reaching out, touching that golden flesh that just seemed so frigging enticing that once more he felt his body reacting, a state he had found himself in for most of the day and all because of this stranger from Brock High School.

Noah “Uh, well, shit, sorry, I uh thought she might be your girlfriend…”

Arizona “Girlfriend? Oh that is rich, he’s funny Dakota, you didn’t tell me he was a comedian too.”

Noah saw the way she had cocked her head to one side and in that very instant he saw the family resemblance, and it struck him how much alike the two were. He also couldn’t help but notice the sly grin that she had on her face and yet he also felt her staring at him, her eyes almost bulging open and yet the probing intensity made him feel like he was on inspection or something. The grin on her face helped ease the sudden tension inside, and yet as his eyes tried, they couldn’t break the contact, as if she was holding them there by her very will.

Dakota “Oh be quiet, you gonna make Noah think we are as loony as our folks”

Arizona “Can’t have that, not until he knows us better that is, then it won’t matter, will it big brother?”

Dakota “Oh shut up”

Arizona “Don’t mind him Noah, he gets that way at first, but he warms up, don’t you bro?”

Dakota “Arizona, I am warning you… it’s not, just cool it will you?”

Arizona “Sorry uh, say uh Noah?”

It was all going so fast for him, the way the two of them seemed to just feed off each other and yet in Dakota’s voice he sensed a sort of hesitation, a sense of hesitation even. Strange, the brief times he had spoken he had this impression of someone totally in control over their emotions and yet now, watching him with his sister, it wasn’t the same. He still seemed in control but there was something else, something hidden maybe but whatever it was, he found himself falling even more for the guy, the ache in his body threatening to once more embarrass him in public.

Noah “Yes?”

Arizona “There a Mickey D’s close by or something like that?”

Noah “Burger King over a few blocks”

Arizona “Great, how about it bro? Maybe you’ll come with us Noah?”

Noah “Huh? Come with, I mean…”

Dakota “Yeah why don’t you Noah? You can show me where it is and hell, I’ll even spring for a junior whopper…”

Arizona “Take it Noah, I’ve seen his whopper, ain’t no junior if you ask me”

Dakota “ARIZONA! Shit will you shut your mouth?”

Arizona “Hey don’t get bent out of shape, sorry Noah, didn’t mean to be so, crude, nerves, I say stuff I shouldn’t when I am nervous, really, I am not normally this much of a tease, honest”

He could feel the sweat on the palms of his hands, and he was certain that his entire forehead was nothing more than a seething river of sweat but the idea of knowing what Dakota looked like naked was almost too much. What he wouldn’t give to find out if what she said was true or not and yet something in the back of his mind felt fear, like perhaps he was heading into the path of a runaway train even. Noah couldn’t explain it, but as much as he wished to spend every possible second in Dakota’s presence, smelling that lingering apple scent, he also felt the fear that such an association could bring to him.

Noah “No problem, uh… thanks but I, I mean…”

Dakota “Please Noah, I know it’s a pain to have to put up with sassy mouth here and me, but I don’t know this part of town well, and we have to get some dinner before we head off to work, it really would help us out if you could…”

Noah “Work? Uh…”

Arizona “Yeah we both have after school jobs, its our only chance to grab something without rushing, please, it really would help, I mean, we are kind of, well, lost out here, besides Dakota needs bulking up, don’t you think he’s too skinny for a guy? I do, and this way maybe he’ll, oh hell, I am being a pest, sorry, but, well, please, will you come?”

The way she looked at him and at Dakota and then him again, he didn’t know what was happening. First to even think that Dakota was interested in letting him hang around him was something shocking and then when he thought there was no chance for his dreams, to find she was his sister and now this? He could feel the hard dick in his pants jerking a bit and his mind was conjuring up so many different images, he didn’t know if he was really there or if this was just part of his fantasy, but how could he not go with them? He might regret it, hell he was certain he would regret it, but the power of his imagination was too strong for him.

Noah “I didn’t know, sure if you really mean it, I’ll show you where to go, I thought you guys from Brock came in buses, how are you, I mean won’t you miss your bus back?”

Dakota “I drove here, the family beater so to speak”

Arizona “It is not a beater, I like it, besides it was Montana’s, and he loved that car”

Dakota “Fuck I know, okay? Please Arizona just shut up?”

Arizona “Sorry”

Dakota “Okay, just relax, okay? Look, go wait for us at the car, I gotta put my books away, we wont be far behind, okay?”

Arizona “Okay, I am sorry Dakota, you know how I get, you aren’t mad at me are you?”

Dakota “I know, its okay, I am not mad”

Arizona “Thanks, don’t be long, please?”

Dakota “We won’t be, right Noah?”

Noah “Uh yeah, not long at all”

Noah watched her briefly as she went down the corridor, his attention turning more towards the tall handsome stranger that had magically appeared into his life today. He couldn’t believe how hot Dakota looked and he stared, seeing the way he kept watching his sister leave, his eyes never leaving her and he even noticed how his body seemed all tensed up, as if he was ready to pounce on anyone or anything that got in her way. Strange but as he watched the body language of this strange new guy, he realized that what he was watching was love, total love by Dakota for his younger sister and suddenly he felt weird, as if he was intruding on something very special, something that he envied, wishing someone would look at him in that way, sort of. The beat of his heart grew stronger and he wiped his hands on his pants, feeling a strange exhilaration at being party to such a scene, wondering if maybe there was hope for him and Dakota, not so much as what his mind wanted, but more as a friend or something.

Funny, the idea of having Dakota as a friend seemed to quiet his fear, his panic that he was heading for trouble and he felt the beads of sweat slow down and it was like something had reached out and rocked him into a state of calmness. His nerves no longer jangled and as much as he still thought Dakota was hot, he also seemed to be seeing something else, that as much as the guy seemed so in charge, so in control, there was a sensitive side of him that was hidden, that was lurking behind that mask of absolute control.

Dakota “Sorry about her, it really isn’t her fault, she’s uh, she’s got this disorder thing, makes her real hyper at times, she says the first thing that pops into her head, gets a bit embarrassing at times”

Noah “It’s okay, no explanations needed, uh, you sure you want me to tag along?”

Dakota “Yeah, you been about the only friendly face in this place, how the hell do you stand it here man?”

Noah “It’s not that bad”

Dakota “Christ, feels like I am in a pit of snakes, man some of the dudes here are sure weird”

Noah “They just a bit cliquish, you’ll fit in though, you play any sports?”

Dakota “used to, but don’t have the time anymore”

His heart suddenly began to ache for Dakota, the way his voice had sounded so lost, so empty really and he had this raging desire to just want to reach out and hug him, to bring him close into his body to curl his arms around Dakota and comfort what seemed to be his pain. Noah didn’t understand it but as he stared at Dakota, he was sure that if the conversation went further that he would see tears and that thought made him tremble, made him think that he could actually feel the pain in Dakota.

Rusty “Hey Dakota right? Hi Noah”

The sound of the deep voice startled him and he stepped back to see Rusty standing there. He hadn’t even seen him walk up and yet something seemed different this time. He had been so lost in his own thoughts about Dakota that he everything else had been blocked out and now the world was once more in focus, or so it seemed. Noah noticed how Dakota suddenly changed, his body suddenly tightening up, and the pain he thought he had seen in Dakota’s face was now gone, a strange mask of indifference in its place.

Noah “Hi Rusty”

Dakota “Hey”

Rusty “Look, some of us are heading over to Burger King, why don’t you join us if you got the time, you too Noah if you want”

Dakota “Well I don’t know man…”

Rusty “It will give you a chance to meet the gang, say Noah, you should talk to the Janitor man, maybe he can give you something stronger to get the rest of that scribbling off your locker”

Damn, he would have to bring that up wouldn’t he? Shit, now he’d have to explain it to Dakota and there went the fucking ballgame. No way would Dakota risk being seen with him now, no quiet time at Burger Kind or anywhere else. Shit, maybe Marvin was right about Rusty, maybe he wasn’t the super guy he had thought?

Noah “Uh, yeah, sure Rusty”

Dakota “I noticed that, someone go writing on your locker man?”

Rusty “Yeah couple of idiots thought it was a big joke, just cause Noah here played a girls part in last years drama play”

Dakota “Oh? Made you wear a dress uh? Drama teachers can be so fucking cruel”

Rusty “Yeah, you played the part good too, but you know how some guys get, stupid really”

Dakota “Yeah”

Was he dreaming? Did Dakota seem to move closer to him as Rusty spoke and the way his eyes flashed, a sort of anger or no, maybe it was more like hatred seemed to flash from Dakota’s eyes towards Rusty, but that couldn’t be, could it? Noah was feeling a bit flushed, he had expected Dakota to have laughed or made some comment, instead he was defending him, standing up to Rusty no less and as he had watched, he could see that even Rusty was confused by Dakota’s response. Shit, maybe Marvin had been right about Rusty after all but what about Dakota? Was he the same as Rusty except maybe better at it? Noah could feel the confusion rising but one thing he knew, Burger King was out and that pissed him off. He had really been thinking how it could be fun, to just spend time talking to Dakota and even his sister. She sure did speak her mind it seemed and now that was all gone.

Noah “It was no big deal, really, doesn’t bug me, they can think what they want”

Rusty “That’s the spirit Noah, so how about it Dakota, going to join us?”

Dakota “Uh, wish I could Rusty but uh, maybe some other time, I have to get to work and all”

Rusty “Oh? Okay, well sure another time then, uh see you later Noah”

Noah “Yeah, sure”

Dakota “Aren’t you going to go?”

The way he spoke, soft and yet in some way it was like an accusation or maybe even a taunt, but if it was a taunt, it wasn’t directed at him but more towards Rusty and suddenly he felt a strange glow inside as well as a rising sense of panic. What was happening here? His mind was in a fog, too much dreaming about Dakota and now suddenly the object of his dreams was actually standing up for him, and not to Hector or some other jock, but to the most popular guy in school, he was taunting Rusty, for him, Noah.

Noah “Uh, no, no I have to get home, so…”

Dakota “Uh huh, come on, I’ll give you a lift then, seeing as how we go right by your place”

Rusty “You got your own wheels?”

Dakota “Sort of, my older brothers car, uh, we gotta run, thanks for the offer man, another time, ‘kay?”

Rusty “Huh? Oh yeah, sure well, catch you tomorrow… “

Dakota “yeah, tomorrow”

This was too unreal, too confusing as he stumbled along, watching Dakota brush by him and toss his books into the opened locker and then close it. He was no more than an inch or two at best from Dakota, the closest he had ever been to another guy really and he could smell that strange apple scent, it made his heart thunder and his pulse race as he could feel the warmth coming from Dakota’s body. For a second he thought he would faint as he felt the hard jerk in his pants, knowing that the strange jolt that was running suddenly up and down his entire body was also spilling out from his hard throbbing groin. Panic was reaching for him but the scent of Dakota was holding it back, and he could even hear the short but powerful gasps for air that Dakota’s lungs were making.

Dakota “Ready?”

Noah “Huh? Oh yeah, sure”

Dakota “Great, let’s go”

Dakota moved in front of Noah as if to shield him and placed his body between him and Rusty. His hands were at his side and he stared at Rusty, as if he was making up his mind about something, the way he looked at him, almost as if the two were sizing each other up, like two bull elephants about to clash for dominance over the herd.

Dakota “Thanks again Rusty, another time”

Rusty “Sure, no sweat”

Dakota “Cool”

He quickly turned and started to walk, his body shielding Noah’s from Rusty as they passed by and he could see the eyes darting every which way, as if they were checking for lurking danger and yet he never turned his head away from the exit. Noah wasn’t sure what he was feeling, he knew that he had witnessed something that he never thought possible, that someone like Dakota would actually choose him, his company, over being with someone like Rusty, the most sought after boy in the school. It felt weird and as he walked, he felt his softening dick rubbing against the wet patch and as much as he wanted to run out and race home with embarrassment, he knew he couldn’t do that, least not just yet. Silently he prayed that Dakota wouldn’t notice, or at least not say anything but as they headed towards the student parking lot he was certain that as much as Dakota might not say something, if his sister saw the wet patch on his pants she sure as hell would. His heart sank as they rounded the corner and the student parking lot opened up before them.

The steady gait suddenly slowed and he felt like Dakota was going to say something, or at least that he wanted to but wasn’t sure how. Strange, it was like a whole new world suddenly opened up for him as he contemplated what it was that Dakota might say but what was really weird for him was how he suddenly seemed able to guess at Dakota’s mood, knowing that he was close to the truth if not right.

Noah “Uh, about Burger King, sorry that, well…”

Dakota “What are you sorry for?”

Noah “You would have gone if I hadn’t been there, I mean you really didn’t have to…”

Dakota “No you are wrong, I wouldn’t have gone, not with someone like Rusty”

Noah “No? But, I mean, why not? He’s one of the most if not the most popular kid in school, why wouldn’t…”

Dakota “Don’t like phonies, he’s not real, sorry, he a friend of yours? I mean you two sort of sounded like it…”

Noah “Me and Rusty? I don’t think so, he is just, well… polite?”

Dakota “Fuck that, you can have that politeness, sorry… it is just, I don’t know, guess it’s my own nerves, bitch at Arizona for hers and here I am not really any better, sorry.”

Noah “That’s okay, uh, there is a McDonald’s but it’s not close by, uh which way you heading?”

Dakota “Well, to your place first, then over to the train yards, the Pay ‘n Pak is where I work, Arizona works in the hairdressers next to it”

Noah “My place? Uh, look really you don’t have to, I can walk…”

Dakota “Why? I said I’d give you a lift, you don’t want to make a liar out of me do you?”

Noah “No, just, well I thought you were saying that to, well, to uh, shit…”

Dakota “No, I don’t use people for an excuse, sorry, guess I am a bit wound up, so, which way you live?”

Noah “You serious? I mean, shit I feel like an ass”

Dakota “Christ, what ever for?”

Noah “I don’t know… I mean why you doing this? Rusty can make things easier for you here, why did you brush him off for me?”

Dakota “I don’t know, maybe the same reason you shot your wad in your pants when I was next to you?”

His heart suddenly stopped and he felt an icy chill in his body as he stopped walking. Every part of his body trembled from fear as he turned his face towards Dakota and stared into the boy’s deep rich eyes. Noah had no idea how he found the courage to look at Dakota, but as his own eyes made contact with Dakota’s he felt a glow inside, a happiness that belied the fear he was feeling in his mind.

All sorts of things went racing thru his mind and yet, looking into Dakota’s face he didn’t see derision, or anything like that. It was almost as if Dakota understood, as if he knew what Noah had been thinking about him and that it didn’t matter to him. His nerves were definitely on edge; his legs even trembled a little as he tried to figure out what to say next.

Noah “I, I… shit, I mean… Dakota it isn’t, hell…”

Dakota “Look, this isn’t, I mean, can we get into the car? I really don’t think we want to talk about this out here, do we?”

Noah “No, no guess not, it is just, I mean… fuck I don’t know what to do, what to say, I never… I didn’t mean to embarrass you or give you, fuck…”

He was certain that in a second he would break down and start bawling his eyes out when he felt a soft gentle touch on his shoulder. Dakota had his hand lightly on his shaking arm. He felt the strange warmth again and deep inside he felt a renewed sense of hope that what he had been wishing for, had been hoping for really was possible, that maybe Dakota was real, and if he wasn’t, well he prayed he’d never wake up from this dream.

Dakota “You didn’t, now come on, Arizona is looking at us and we should get away from here, she does have a big mouth”

Noah “Yeah, okay… fuck is that your car?”

Dakota “Yeah, well I guess, it was my brother’s”

Noah “SHIT, it is, I mean it’s in mint shape, wow”

The 1968 Mustang convertible rumbled into life at the flick of Dakota’s wrist and he could feel the power of the engine as they backed out of the parking spot, his head spinning as he sat next to Dakota, smelling him and wondering too what he had meant, what all of this meant as they left the school behind. He had seen Rusty’s face flash by as they past him getting into his 2002 PT Cruiser. Noah wasn’t sure, but it had seemed as if Rusty had a look of anger on his face, anger as well as maybe envy? There was no doubt that the deep blue Mustang had something to it, the rich white interior only adding to the beauty of the car and he finally was able to turn to look at Dakota as he drove down the street. There was something almost mystical about him, the way he looked was like he belonged behind the small steering wheel of this car, and his hand rested so easily on the stick shift in the centre console, like it belonged there and he felt the warm wind on his face and settled back into the soft leather bucket seat.

Whatever else happened from this point on he didn’t really care, because right now he was in heaven as far as he was concerned. He had thought his life would be over if Dakota had noticed he had cummed but instead it was almost as if Dakota took it as a compliment. It was all too strange for him, first to see someone with Dakota’s looks toss Rusty aside for him, then to just accept his, well his accident for lack of a better term, was too much. Noah just knew that for this moment, he felt alive, felt like he really was human and not just an empty shell.

11:30 p.m.

Noah sat there, staring at the book lost in his thoughts once more. It had been like this ever since he had gotten home from school and he doubted if he’d get much sleep either, all the crazy thoughts flashing thru his mind and all but maybe it was just his imagination? Maybe Dakota was really a dream, a figment of his imagination but then, he had been awake all day, so he had to be real, it was just that, well stuff like this didn’t happen to him, he wasn’t a jock, wasn’t a dog either but he wasn’t special, he was ordinary so why would someone like Dakota show any interest, care if he was alive even? It just didn’t make any sense to him and there were other things too.

The ride home had been silent for the most part, other than for Arizona who kept up a sort of non-stop chatter about school, about work and all. She really was a nice girl and he felt kind of bad for the things he had thought about her earlier, but then he hadn’t known she was his sister. Weird how knowing that changed everything and he was kind of amazed at how protective and patient Dakota seemed with her.

They had decided to not stop anywhere else, and Arizona seemed a bit disappointed, and he had to admit it was about the only time when she didn’t have a comment. He could tell she kept staring at him, her eyes seemed to always be on him or on her brother, and he wondered what she was really thinking, if she had noticed his wet spot or if not, what she had thought about him, seeing how he kept stealing glances at Dakota all during the ride home. Hell, he couldn’t help himself but there was something about how he looked, the pair of sunglasses suiting his face, the way his hand moved the stick shift so effortlessly.

The car had a nice ride to it and when they came to his place, he felt like he was still up in the stratosphere or something. The way Dakota had smiled at him, asking if he wanted a lift to school in the morning, and all that. It was almost as if Dakota was really wanting to spend time with him, and he had almost jumped for joy when even Arizona had pleaded with him to let them pick him up. How could he refuse such pressure so he had agreed, still not sure why but no longer caring, because all that mattered was that he could once more sit next to Dakota, smell his fresh clean scent and just listen to the way he spoke.

Even his parents had noticed how he was acting, his dad actually asking him if he was falling for some girl or something. Christ if his dad only knew the truth, he would drop dead on the spot, but then again maybe not. His dad wasn’t all that bad and come to think of it, when he had told him about the part in the play last year, his dad hadn’t said a word about it, other than they would look forward to seeing him perform. Strange, how sometimes parents could surprise you but then sometimes the surprises weren’t exactly pleasant either.

He had heard about how some parents when finding out about their kid had simply tossed the kid out, and it always scared him, ever since he was certain that he was different that one day he might just find himself an orphan, not from death but from choice, and not his either. Strange, you always heard about kids coming out, or being outed, and even watching shows like Queer as Folks didn’t come close to the panic that you could feel just thinking your parents would find out. Not everyone was as strong as the JUSTIN character seemed to be, and he sure as hell doubted if his fellow students would be happy with just needling him or laughing at him. Hell they didn’t know for sure now and already his life was pure hell, at least until today it had been.

Noah sighed as his hand once more reached down to his groin, once more touching the hard throbbing flesh of his dick that rested in his fourth pair of shorts tonight. Man he had it bad, he knew that and just laying on his bed thinking about Dakota had given him such wild pleasure, such immense joy that he couldn’t believe it even. He had jerked off many times, but never did he feel like he had felt this time around. Hell, he barely had to touch his hard dick the first time, the way it just shot a load of cum so hard he had a hell of a time catching his breath afterwards. Worse, was that by the time he had calmed down enough to pull his shorts back up, the friggin jizz had dried all over his balls and inner thighs, and he had to eat dinner feeling that dried cum each time he moved.

The shower after was great though, the hot steamy spray and the warm foaming soap was unreal as his mind continued with its fantasy about Dakota. He had the poor guy nailing him so many different ways that he was sure he would break off his dick. His mind tried to picture it too, dredging up lots of images but they were never clear, never totally focused and yet each time he thought about what Dakota would look like nude, laying on his bed, it always was cloudy, yet he could still hear Arizona telling him that it was no junior whopper. Christ, there he went again, and he felt the hard pole shifting in his shorts as he just couldn’t get the idea out of his mind. He pulled his hand back up out of his shorts, rubbing it up against his stomach, feeling his muscles coiling and he leaned back in the chair, his hand now moving up and around his chest, squeezing one nipple then the other and he thought maybe it was time again, time to once more escape into a dream world of him and Dakota but he had to stop, had to get a grip because if he didn’t, he would sure as hell ruin it somehow.

This constant fear of fucking up was getting on his nerves too, but what could he do? He still didn’t know how or what Dakota thought about his earlier accident, the one by the locker and it gnawed at him. What if he was just biding his time, what if he was waiting till he was the other guys, and sprung it then? Christ, he could just hear Hector now, the way he would heckle him mercilessly, and what about Rusty? That too bugged him, ever since Marvin had warned him too, which had scared him a bit. He knew that Marvin was constantly being teased in class and all, but the way Marvin talked it seemed to be more serious than that. He just couldn’t imagine that anyone would hurt Marvin but then you did hear about that, after all he didn’t think Mathew Sheppard had expected to be left for dead by those guys, but it happened. Maybe he was naïve, maybe he just wanted to believe that people weren’t so cruel and yet, he knew he was just kidding himself.

Christ, if there was one way to get his dick soft he had just found it, and he grimaced as he heard a low rumble coming from outside. For a minute he thought it sounded a lot like Dakota’s car but he glanced at the clock on his desk, knowing it couldn’t be his car. No way would he be here at this time of night and besides, why would he show up here? It wasn’t like they were boyfriends or anything, but shit that would be something and once more he could feel his groin aching, once more his dick grew hard inside his shorts and this time, he knew he wouldn’t deny it, wouldn’t let it go soft without first once more exploring the depths of his imagination.

Noah stood up and switched off the desk lamp, and as he walked towards his bed, he heard the rumbling noise getting closer. He smiled as he thought about Dakota, about how handsome he looked when he drove off in the deep blue Mustang after dropping him off. God what a sight that was, he could still see him, the way he climbed into the driver’s side, and how he had stopped and stared over at him, and his hand moved down his chest, feeling the trembling excitement building in his body as images of the real Dakota and the fantasy one merged.

He shrugged his bathrobe off, letting it fall to the floor and he turned around, trying to decide if he wanted to walk towards the door and flick off the main light or leave it until after he finished his dream. Looking at the far off switch, he thought he would just leave it on for now, and the sudden silence startled him. The low heavy rumble of whatever car it was had gone and he sighed, wishing that it hadn’t stopped. The sound reminded him so much of Dakota, of the pleasure he had felt in just sitting next to him in those white leather seats.

The tapping sound didn’t register at first, his mind lost to the images of sitting in that Mustang, stars shining over their heads, the car looking out over the town from up on Robert’s bluff, the lights twinkling and all, but finally the noise penetrated his dream and he realized that it was coming from his window. He rushed over to it, wondering who or what it was that was tapping and as he pushed aside the drape, he caught his breath because he couldn’t be imagining it, could he?

His hand shook as he pushed open the tall window and as he did, he realized that he wasn’t dreaming, that it was Dakota standing there. His heart raced faster and he could hear its deep booming thunderous beat echo in his head, nothing could penetrate that loud booming noise and yet when Dakota spoke, it cut through the rolling thunder like a hot knife thru butter.

Dakota “Uh, can I come in?”

Noah “Huh? Yeah, yeah sure, uh, course, come on in”

He stepped back from the sill, watching first one leg reach up and over the low sill, then another, as two strong hands gripped the window frame on either side. His mouth was open and he was certain that his jaw was resting on the carpet as he saw the head duck inside and then like magic, there stood Dakota. He was puffing a bit but he had the most gorgeous smile he had ever seen and his heart continued to thunder as he watched Dakota turn and pull close the two windows and then turn to face him again.

Noah couldn’t believe it, and as Dakota turned to close the window, he pinched his arm, feeling the sharp pain and he knew it wasn’t a dream, that Dakota was really here and he felt the sudden warmth rising up from inside of him. His eyes couldn’t leave the tall handsome figure that was bending over to grab at the window handles and he noticed the firm buttocks again, just as he had this morning when Dakota had walked towards his homeroom. God they still looked perfect to him and it hit him then, that he was standing in his fully lit bedroom with only a pair of shorts on, stretched tight by the raging hard on inside. He felt the blush and he gulped quickly uncertain what to do.

Dakota “Thanks, uh, sorry for, I mean, your light was on, so I thought I’d, I mean I didn’t wake you or anything did I?”

Noah “Huh? No, no, I was, uh, what are you, I mean, why are you here? It is, I mean, shit…”

Dakota “haha, you always talk in riddles or just when some strange guy crawls thru your bedroom window?”

Noah “Always, I mean, no, never, shit, it is just, I didn’t expect you to show up, I was…”

Dakota “Oh? Hmm I don’t know, kind of looks to me like perhaps you were waiting for someone, so uh who is the lucky guy then? Haha”

Noah looked straight at Dakota and saw that his eyes were lowered, that they were fixed firmly at his waist and he could feel the pre cum oozing out from the tip of his hard dick. Christ, he didn’t know what to say or do and he began to tremble even more now, praying that he wouldn’t have another of those moments like he had earlier. He didn’t know what to say, and as the words bounced around in his confused mind he raised his face to see Dakota smiling at him. There was something about how he looked, and the gleam in his face was unreal, it tugged at his heart that was already in overdrive.

Noah “I… I wasn’t expecting anyone, uh… fuck stop staring, please… I don’t want, I mean, fuck…”

Noah turned away, tears welling up in his eyes as he tried to control his thoughts, wishing his body would cool off, wishing also that Dakota would hold him, would touch him and knowing that he was being a complete ass.

Dakota “Hey, I am sorry Noah, Please… I didn’t mean to tease you, honest”

The words didn’t make sense to him but the sound, the way he spoke was almost like he meant it, like he really did care how he felt and he sniffled a little and then froze, as he felt Dakota’s hand on his shoulder.

Noah “Sorry, I guess, I don’t know, shit, how did you know what I been thinking?”

Dakota “I don’t really, maybe I am just, I don’t know, sort of hoping that that is the reason…”

Noah “You? SHIT!”

Dakota moved back as Noah turned to face him, his eyes showing disbelief at what Dakota had said so bluntly, so matter of fact. They looked at each other and Dakota couldn’t help it, his eyes kept going back down the almost totally naked body and he felt his tongue as it licked his lips and he sighed, wondering just how badly had he fucked up tonight.

Dakota “I am sorry, guess I shouldn’t have just blurted that out, uh, I thought that, well…”

Noah “So what, you want to be sure first, before you go telling the school that I am a fag? That it?”

The words were out before he knew it, and as he said them he saw Dakota’s head jerk up, his eyes flash a second of pure anger and then he saw the deep pain, the deep hurt that came welling up into those wonderful eyes, and Noah felt like crap in a second, his own fear and anger suddenly gone. He cursed himself as he realized that Dakota really hadn’t come here to catch him out, to trick him.

Dakota “Sorry, guess I should go, I didn’t… fuck, what’s the use? I’ll leave, uh, guess tomorrow is…”

Noah “Wait… please, I didn’t, fuck Dakota I am gay, okay? I am and I am sorry, I just, it is hard, you don’t know what it is like, hiding all the time, I mean, shit… Please don’t go I…”

Dakota turned back and looked into Noah’s powder blue eyes. He could see the tears there, or were those his own he was seeing? He couldn’t explain it, not for a million bucks but he felt so alone, so empty and yet, maybe, maybe there was still a chance as he looked at Noah, saw the pain in that oval shaped face. He could see it, feel it even as he stood there, his own body trembling as he wondered why life had to be so cruel simply because some were different than others? Why?

Noah felt the pain deep in his very soul and he regretted his words with each passing second. Tears were at his eyes and he felt so helpless, so much a fool as he had caused someone such pain, such unneeded pain and all because he was gay. Why couldn’t he just get past that, why did he have to see danger around every corner, feel fear when with someone new, feel panic at each look, each glance? He felt his body shudder and he reached behind him to grab his bathrobe. With a shaking hand he picked it up and began to pull it up to put it on when he heard Dakota’s voice, muted and riddled with a sort of sorrow that ripped at Noah’s heart as turned to look at Dakota.

Dakota “What are you doing?”

Noah “Putting my robe on”

Dakota “Why?”

Noah couldn’t stand it anymore; he lowered his head and muttered, feeling his shame as he spoke.

Noah “So I won’t embarrass you anymore”

Dakota reached out with his hand, stopping Noah’s own arm from moving, from sliding into the sleeve of the light blue bathrobe. The touch made Noah jump a little and as he looked back up, he thought he saw a flame flickering in the very depths of the deep rich chocolate brown of Dakota’s eyes. He shook a little, feeling the fire burning in his soul as he kept his face tilted upwards, towards Dakota.

Dakota “I… I like you this way, you don’t embarrass me, and… well… don’t”

Noah “don’t?”

Dakota “Don’t put it on, don’t turn the lights out, don’t hide, I… I know this is freaking you out, but, I am not like the others, really”

He felt his heart pounding and he was confused. Noah didn’t know what to think and yet as Dakota spoke he could feel the honesty there. Dakota wasn’t lying to him, and his hand still held his, and he felt like there was something happening that he just couldn’t explain, but he knew that it was something special as he let the robe slip from his hand, falling softly to the floor. As it did he saw Dakota stare into his eyes and then slowly he watched, as Dakota stood upright, moving a step or two closer. Noah blinked as he breathed in deeply, smelling a faint hint of that apple fresh scent and as he opened his eyes again, he felt the soft hesitant touch of Dakota’s hand on the side of his face.

His whole body was trembling as he felt Dakota slide the back of his hand down his tear stained cheek and then the fingers lightly ran across his quivering lips. His mind was in a fog, dazed and frightened even and yet his heart seemed to revel in the touch, the feel and deep in his soul he felt a strange calm coming to him. It was unreal and better than anything he had ever dreamed of and his body shook, his cock growing even harder in his shorts and he felt the strange warmth coming to him again as Dakota’s hand moved down his chin, then under it, the tips of the fingers barely touching him and he turned to look and saw Dakota’s face next to him. He could feel his hot breath on his own mouth now as less than an inch separated them and Noah blinked as he saw the eyes flutter and close and the lips purse and the head tilt to one side, his own head tilting the opposite way. He held his breath as he felt the soft press of Dakota’s moist lips against his own mouth; his heart suddenly bursting inside and his trembling became uncontrollable shaking.

Noah’s body shuddered and as Dakota’s lips pressed against his, he felt his tongue flatten inside and his teeth raise apart, his lips opening as the rough raspy edge of Dakota’s tongue suddenly pressed up against his still quivering lips. Two strong arms suddenly were around his shuddering body and he was being gently but firmly pulled inwards, in towards Dakota’s body. He surrendered to the pull and felt his body suddenly being wrapped up in the strong body of the taller boy and his lips parted.

He had no control as he felt like he was falling, felt like his whole world had just exploded in front of him. His body arched inwards, his own arms reached out frantically to grasp hold of Dakota’s strong arms and his head fell backwards. His whole body shook as he felt the violent ache in his groin suddenly explode and he knew his cock was once more shooting its load of milky white boy cream. His lungs ached as he felt the hard hot edge of Dakota’s tongue as it snaked past his teeth and filled his mouth with its fullness, with its heat, with its desire. His hips shot forward, grinding his near naked body into the fully clothed one of Dakota.

The warmth invaded every part of his body as it shook and shuddered within the hard grasp of Dakota’s arms. He cried as he felt his body crushing hard into Dakota’s own solid frame. Nothing moved and it felt like he was suddenly glued into the body that held him. His eyes were clouded from the tears and he tried to open them, to look at the face that had just made him explode. He still shook as finally he opened his eyes, to stare into Dakota’s face, to see if his actions had been out of pity or out of something else and looking into his eyes, Noah saw a burning fire reaching for him.

Dakota “Do you believe me now?”

Noah couldn’t help it; he looked once more into the fiery eyes that held his own gaze locked within. He could feel the flames now, the way they were getting closer to touching him and instead of feeling fear, of feeling panic, he felt a warmth that only made him feel excited. His whole body no longer shook from fear or embarrassment, but from anticipation.

Noah “yes”

Dakota smiled at Noah, then in a quick move, he reached forward and kissed Noah on the mouth, a semi hard kiss that surprised Noah but not as much as Dakota’s next move did. Noah’s eyes bulged open as he saw Dakota kneel down, his hands suddenly tugging on the thick white coloured elastic of the waistband of his shorts.

He looked down, to see the dark hair flowing around the golden flesh of Dakota’s face, and he felt the face press inwards, the hot lips crushing into his belly as Dakota’s fingers dug into the shorts, the backs pressing hard into his quivering flesh and as he felt the strange sensations welling up inside, he also felt the sudden press of his underwear sliding down his legs, and he knew that his body was now naked, his still hard cum caked cock sticking outwards. He shuddered as he felt the hard grasp of two hands on his legs, the thumbs pressing deeply into his inner thighs and he stared down, and saw Dakota raise his head up and stare up at him.

He watched as Dakota pulled his head back a little, the eyes taking one last look upwards and then he stared as Dakota’s hand came from one side, the fingers gently touching the very base of his cock and he heard himself groan, his body shake as the tips of Dakota’s fingers now moving slowly along the trembling shaft of his 6 inch long penis, gently touching the still hot skin that was still stretched taut. Noah felt his body shudder and he felt the ache in his groin, a different ache than normal, and he could feel his buttocks, the cheeks quivering and tightening, every muscle in his body suddenly screaming as wave after wave of pleasure seemed to pass along the still hard cock right into his body, filling him with a deep warmth.

The fingers moved slowly along his cock shaft, feeling every part of it and as he looked, he saw how Dakota kept looking at it, and he thought he could feel the eyes, those dark eyes, as they stared transfixed at the sight of his cock. The ache inside grew more intense and he felt himself whimpering, wishing he had been able to hold back, to keep the now dried milk inside just a bit longer, wanting it for Dakota, not wanting it wasted drying uselessly on his shorts and his skin. He felt a bit ashamed but then he felt the soft brush of wet lips against the still hot end of his cock, and he groaned now, feeling a warm glow reaching upwards, and his hands rested on Dakota’s shoulders, feeling the glow grow in power as it filled his shaking body.

Noah “Dakota…”

Dakota “Yes?”

Noah “Will you? I mean…”

Dakota “Are you sure?”

Noah “Yes, more than I can say, yes, you?”

Dakota “I am now”