Scotts Secret – 1
Chapter 1
Scott wheeled the black corvette into the side. He parked it carefully along the curb, keeping the engine running, and making sure all of the doors were locked, and the passenger window up. He wasn’t going to be taken by surprise, not here in a strange town.
The car had a nice rumble to it, and he liked the way it handled. He always rented a hot sports car, it made it a whole lot easier to find someone for the night.
He stared off, checking out the action at the park. There seemed to be some activity by the washrooms. But that wasn’t his thing. A small sigh escaped his lips as he looked out at the comings and goings around him. Here he was, near to his 40th birthday and he was still single. One day he hoped to change that, but the days seemed to be getting less as time flew by.
A tall slender body walked past, slowing down as it passed the passenger side of the car. A sallow face peered in, and then walked on as Scott turned his face forward. He figured he would give this place about an hour, and then if nothing, he would try over at Mountain View Park. The meeting was set for 2 pm in the Hilton down in Atlanta, so he had time to check out both here and the other recommended site.
It was early too, but he enjoyed the early summer’s night drive up from Atlanta to Gainesville. It was only about 50 odd miles, as the crow flies, and he liked the air blowing his hair back. He didn’t get much chance to let his hair down, his long blond locks always seemed to be tied up in a pony tail, out of courtesy to his corporate clients. Man they could be so damn old, even if they were only in their late 40’s or early 50’s.
He had some country western station playing on the car’s fm stereo, and was enjoying the latest from that Canadian, Paul Brandt, called “that’s the truth”. He saw the video and laughed at the way it used excerpts from various Presidents. He smiled at that, and his whole face seemed to lift up. His soft blue eyes got a sparkle to them and he seemed to lose a good 10 years off his face. Betty always told him he should smile more often, it made him look hot, but she was on the make for him, so he discounted her words.
He caught a glimpse of someone sitting at one of the benches, and he turned his gaze over to it. From this distance he looked interesting, and he wondered what his story was? Somehow, these one night dates didn’t ever amount to much, other than a physical relief for him, but he wasn’t about to start going to dances or socials. He just wasn’t comfortable there, and besides, his time was generally short. At least this way he could enjoy the touch of a man with some certainty. Hotel rooms were bad enough, worse, if you couldn’t have some company for part of the night.
The object of his attention seemed to be looking towards him. Well, maybe he wouldn’t have to go to Mountain View. The figure stood up, and he could see that he had short hair and was rather tall. He looked like he was just over 6 feet tall, and was well built. He had a sense about him, the way he stretched himself as he stood up. Slowly, Scott watched him walk towards him, and he was enjoying the view.
A sudden tapping on his window startled Scott. He turned to look at the source of the noise and saw a face peering in at him. It was a drawn face, slightly dirty and the hair was unkempt and shaggy. The eyes though, they seemed to once have held some life, but now seemed rather sad and tired looking. He opened the window a bit.
“Hey man, open the door… that guys a vice cop”
“What? Huh, you sure?”
“Yeah, come on let me in”
Scott hesitated, but saw that the tall figure was starting to abandon his slow stroll and was heading straight for him. Panic set in, and he could feel his palms starting to sweat. He unlocked the door, and the young stranger climbed in.
“Come on man, move it before we get busted”
“Uh, yeah okay”
Scott put the car into gear and took off, he was tempted to floor the car but reason took hold and he proceeded at a normal rate.
“Turn off there and get out of the park,… that’s it, now get onto the main road there, yeah that one” his stranger directed.
They drove for a few minutes longer, with Scott checking his rearview mirror constantly, searching for the flashing blue and red lights of a police car. His new found savior kept glancing backwards too, and finally he seemed satisfied, and let out a deep sigh.
“Guess they weren’t expecting you to rabbit man, lucky”
“Yeah, uh thanks by the way, aah, the name’s Bill”
“Really? Well whatever man. You can drop me anywhere if you want.”
“What? Uh, yeah sure, but I mean….”
“Look, I just thought a guy in a vette, a tourist and all, hell he didn’t need any trouble, now if you were a local, that’s different, hate it when they come down on tourists”
“Well, thanks, uh, sure you want to be dropped off? I mean, maybe you’d like to go for a drink or something?”
Scott looked over and smiled as he offered his invitation He owed this stranger that at least. There wasn’t much for him to look at either, the kid looked to be about early 20’s and wasn’t exactly in the best of shape. His clothes were rather ratty and hadn’t been washed in awhile, and neither had its owner, judging by his appearance.
“Sure you wanna be seen with me? I ain’t no fancy stud you know”
Scott didn’t know what to say to that. The kid was right, he wasn’t a fancy looking date, but there was something there. First of all, he did save him some embarrasement, and secondly, those eyes, there was something that he saw, that made him open the door in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t a fancy stud, but he at least had some honour.
“Yeah I am sure.”
“Okay, it’s your nickel man.”
“Yep, so what do I call you?”
“Whatever you want to Bob.”
“Well, what do you like to be called?”
The kid laughed and Scott suddenly realized that he had been had. The kid called him Bob, and he answered, when he told him his name was, shit he couldn’t be that stupid could he?
He laughed along, and smiled again. Suddenly it didn’t really matter to him, for that moment. He shook his head as he answered the kid.
“Okay, so my name isn’t bill or bob. Actually it is Scott, for real, and so, now what is your name?”
“Well Mr. Scott, the name’s Randy, at least for tonight.”
‘Randy’ grinned as he said it, and Scott saw that he had a cute smile. It made him seem much younger, and made the lines on his face disappear. It almost made him seem normal, just like he was one of his sister’s teenagers. Scott joined in the joke, chuckling along with ‘Randy’.
“Well, Randy, where to?”
“I dunno know, there’s a MacDonald’s not far from here”
“MacDonald’s? You kidding? I was thinking of maybe something a little more substantial, like maybe a bar or a place with real food”
“Yeah? But, uh, that’s kind of expensive.”
“My treat, remember? So how about it, got a better place in mind?”
‘Randy’ turned his eyes towards Scott. He studied the angular face, the way the long hair flowed down and around his shoulders, and the light blue eyes shining from his clean angular face.
“Well, what about your hotel? Does it have a restaurant?”
“Yeah, but I am staying in Atlanta”
“Ooh,,,, well I suppose we could go to (name), it’s supposed to be okay.”
Scott could hear the disappointment in ‘Randy’s’ voice, and his heart seemed to ache suddenly for the young boy. He couldn’t explain it, but there was something that was attracting him to this kid. He wondered how old he really was, but was afraid to ask. As they waited at a red light, Scott glanced over at Randy, and suddenly his mind seemed to command his voice.
“Why don’t you come to Atlanta with me, we can have dinner at the hotel, and you can even crash on the couch, and I’ll bring you back to Gainesville tomorrow night. How’s that sound?”
Randy’s eyes seemed to light up. This guy was being nice, and while other’s had acted nice, they rarely were. No warning signs popped up in his head, which was really unusal.
“You sure you want to do that? You don’t even know me.”
“Well, we are even on that score, aren’t we?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then, it is off to Atlanta we go, now how do I get back on to the damn interstate?”
The drive down didn’t seem to take too long. It passed quickly for Scott as he enjoyed hearing Randy talk about Gainesville, how it was a small town but popular with guys coming from the big city to cruise. He prefered it, the cops weren’t too bad, except every now and then they did a sweep of the parks and stuff for hustler’s and vagrants. They didn’t want to get a bad reputation with all the tourists, plus they managed to collect some hefty fines from the poor saps they caught.
Randy enjoyed the country music too and he seemed to settle himself nicely in the car. He loved the way it rumbled through the traffic and he even managed to get Scott to open it up briefly on a good straight stretch. Scott was enjoying himself, his earlier dark mood forgotten by the joy he seemed to be bringing to Randy.
Finally they entered the city, and Scott drove straight to the hotel. A valet jumped to open the door, and startled Randy. Scott laughed as he tossed the rental car keys to the valet. With an arm around the young man, he walked him inside to the Hilton.
Eating at the dining room was going to be a problem, so Scott thought, as they walked into the ornate lobby of the hotel. He decided to try anyways, and he had Randy wait while he supposedly went to check for messages.
While at the front desk, he explained that his nephew had shown up, a runaway from home and he wanted to feed him before taking him upstairs to phone home, could the manager find a secluded spot in the dining room for them? A $20 bill helped convince the manager of the truth of his statement, and dinner was arranged. Scott walked back to Randy, a smile across his face, and a lightness in his heart that he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Dinner passed amazingly fast. For the life of him, Scott had never tasted such a good steak in his life. The potatoes au gratin were super, and he loved the way Randy’s eyes popped when they brought him a shrimp cocktail. The service was superb, and as the last of their Grand Marnier Cake was eaten, Scott realized that it was after midnight already.
They headed up to Scott’s room and he noticed that Randy was getting nervous. He could see the way he was clenching and unclenching his fists, and if he looked carefully he was sure he would find tiny beads of sweat of the boys young forehead. Randy’s eyes were also everywhere but on him or on their path down the corridor.
“You looking kind of uptight there Randy, dinner not agree with you ?”
“Uh, no it was uh, fine, it is, just well you sure spent a lot on that meal man…. and well,…”
“What?”
“Well, I don’t think you will be happy with the trade off, …”
“Trade off? What are you talking about?”
“Me, you know…. I just, well I… shit I guess what I am saying is that I ain’t worth anywhere near what you paid for that meal, and well, you been nice to me, and shit this sucks….”
“Excuse me? Look, you did me a favour, you saved my fucking ass back there with the cops, and as for not being worth it, I don’t know about you but I sure did enjoy myself tonight, you were great company, and I had fun, didn’t you?”
“yeah, but now comes the bill for that fun, and, well, like I said, I ain’t worth it.”
They had arrived at the room, and Scott didn’t know how to answer Randy. He looked up and down the young boy, saw the torn clothes, the way they were grass stained and dirty. He saw the way his hands were clenching, and he saw the face, the sad look once again in his eyes. His heart was tearing itself, as he checked the young boy over. He wasn’t some raving beauty, but there was something about him.
“Come on inside, I think you have a wrong idea of what is expected.”
Scott held the door open for Randy, and as he passed him by he could see the disappointment in his eyes. He could see it in how he carried himself, his shoulders slouched and his feet sort of shuffling along. It was amazing how at dinner he was a different person, and now he was looking like he was an old man.
“Have a seat, I gotta use the can for a second. You can turn on the tv if you want.”
Scott came out of the washroom to hear the country music video station on the television. He shut off the bathroom light and turned the corner to the room, which he saw was dimmed. Randy was hunched up on the couch. His shoes off, and his legs drawn up under him. He looked like a frightened deer caught in a blaze of headlights.
“It’s getting late, you can have a shower if you want.”
“Yeah? That would be nice, it’s been awhile, but uh, sure you don’t mind?”
“Go ahead, there is shampoo and conditioner on the tub, and you can use my soap that’s in the dish by the sink.”
“Cool, thanks man”
“You can lock the door on this bathroom, in case you feel like it.”
Scott didn’t know why he added that bit, but he saw the relief in Randy’s eyes as he said it. The kid was still terrified of him, or was it of being alone with another man? He really would like to know what his story was. This wasn’t your usual street kid or hustler or whatever you called them these days.
“Uh, thanks, I really could use a good hot shower, if you aren’t in any rush, that is, I mean, well…. I do have to kind of, you know what I mean.”
“Look Randy or whatever your name really is, I took you to dinner because I wanted to, not to get into your pants, that’s…. well that’s a separate deal if you want to, but it’s your call Randy, and that’s the truth, ….believe it or not.”
Randy sat there, leaning forward to go to the bathroom, unable to move as the words registered inside his head. It wasn’t a full moon out, it wasn’t Christmas time, and it sure as hell wasn’t his birthday, so how come the royal treatment from this guy? He was confused by his own dreams of being loved and by what he knew was on every john’s mind. Could this guy be serious? Or did he have something else on his mind? God, he hoped he wasn’t one of those real kinky type. He shivered with the thought, but one more glance at Scott’s eyes told him that, No, this guy wasn’t kinky.
“No Shit?”
“No shit Randy, your call to make, when you want, now why don’t you go have that shower first, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks man.”
“No sweat, I’m going to get undressed and ready for bed, but I’ll put a pillow and some blankets on the couch for you, I’ll still be up, okay?”
“Sure, … uh thanks.”
It took awhile, from when he heard the lock on the door click, and the water start to run. Scott shook his head, he must be going nuts. Here he had a perfect set up, a nice young guy, willing to do him and all for the price of a dinner that went on the company’s expense account anyway. What did he do? Why he still offerred to pay for the night’s fun on top of the dinner. He had to be getting senile. Then again, he was feeling damn good and he hadn’t felt this happy and alive for a long time. Maybe that was it, he was getting close to 40 and he was entering his second childhood, that had to be it !
With the sounds of the water still running, Scott started to undress. He tossed his shirt over the chair, and then he folded his jeans, a habit he had from childhood, and lay them over the chair seat. He removed his socks and debated about whether or not to remove his boxer’s. Normally he slept in the nude, but he thought it might just be to damn freaky for ‘Randy’. He settled on keeping them on, then slipped his dark blue terry robe on.
He grabbed his book, Tom Clancy’s “Debt of Honor” and started in to read. His normal routine for the night, except for his nightly exercise of attending to his little head, as he refered to his dick. He could feel it stir inside his boxer’s, but concentrated on the book, well tried to, that is.
Randy finished his shower, enjoying the way he felt. He had scrubbed himself almost raw under the steady stream of hot water. It felt so damn good. He couldn’t remember when he had felt so clean, so himself. His hair even smelled clean for a change, and the shampoo scent was a nice apple smell.
He looked at himself in the mirror, as he brushed his hair back, and for a second he saw himself as he used to be. The happy kid who liked horse back riding, and who played all the sports, and now, now he was a jaded old man at 20. There were times when he wished that he could just end it all, but he never could get the nerve up.
His eyes clouded over, and the youthful face no longer stared back at him. He stood up, and he could see the scars, the reminder’s of just what he was now, and he shivered slightly. Randy really wasn’t all that bad looking, when he was cleaned up. He was tall, just a half inch shy of 6 feet, and his weight was okay, around 140 lbs or so, and he was equiped. Nothing fancy, a fair sized 8 inches or so when hard, really hard that is, which didn’t happen all that often to him. He did manage though to get it up enough to do the job.
Shaking his head, he looked around, wondering what tonight was going to be like. He kind of liked Scott, it was fun and he didn’t push him. That was certainly different than most john’s, all they ever wanted was to get naked and play. Well, he would certainly put some effort into tonight, it was the least he could do. Quickly he grabbed the white terry robe off the door and wrapped it around him. He debated about dressing, but he felt so clean, he just couldn’t put them on just yet.
With his dirty clothes bundled up, he unlocked the bathroom door and went back into the room. He saw that Scott was laying on the big queen size bed, in a robe reading.
“Hey, thanks man, that sure felt good, … uh hope I didn’t take too long.”
Scott looked up from the book, to see a totally different Randy standing at the foot of the bed. He was so pink, and so damn innocent looking. It certainly was different than when he tapped on his car window.
“No problem, the pillow and sheets are there on the couch, you can make them up anyway you want.”
“Uh, Thanks.”
Scott watched as he lay the blanket out, and the pillow, so that he was facing the bed. He moved slowly, keeping his robe wrapped around him. He notice his legs, how they were so long and almost hairless. Scott could feel his own dick rising at the sight of Randy bending and making up the couch.
“Well, guess we should get some sleep.”
Scott said as he laid his book down and leaned over to turn the light off. The room suddenly went black as he heard the rustling of the blanket and the creak of the couch as Randy settled himself. Well, he was tired, maybe tomorrow morning he would see if Randy was into some morning work, but tonight he would let it be.
Randy lay in the dark, listening and waiting. Minutes passed and he heard Scott settling down into the bed. He couldn’t believe this, the guy really was on the level. No pressure and no demands. Suddenly Randy felt a strange feeling in his body. He couldn’t understand it, but he didn’t want to sleep on the couch, and he didn’t want to be alone tonight. Small tears formed at the corner’s of his eyes as he peered into the darkness, to the shape that was Scott in the bed.
“Uh… Scott?” he softly called out.
“Yeah?, …. you forget something or need something?”
“Well, uh kind of, … can I sleep with you in the bed?”
“What? Are you sure, I mean you don’t…”
“… I know, it is just, well I kind of want to, it’s been a bit since I felt like this, but I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, if you don’t mind, I won’t take up much room, it is just, well I don’t want to be alone tonight, if you don’t mind?”
“Mind? ….No Randy, I don’t mind at all, come on and join me.”
Scott tossed open the blankets and sheet on the other side, as he spoke. He looked over and saw Randy walk over to the side of the bed. He stood there, looking down at Scott, and then slowly he reached down, undoing the ropes’ belt.
With the belt opened, the robe opened at the front, exposing a slender body to Scott’s eyes. They watched as Randy slowly moved his hands to take the robe off his young body. Scott could smell his soap scent and the apple smell of his shampoo as the now naked Randy climbed into the bed.
“Thanks Scott”
“No problem Randy… got enough room there? You can get closer if you want, I promise I won’t do anything if you are worried about that…”
Randy squirmed over a bit, and his leg brushed up against Scott’s. He could feel a sudden tenseness in his body, and a warmth started to spread up from his leg all over his body. He could feel Scott’s sudden intake of breath as the legs touched. He hadn’t felt this way before, and he could tell that his body liked the feeling. His penis had suddenly sprung to attention, and he knew that he would not need to work at getting himself hard. He turned onto his side, to face Scott.
His eyes were now accustomed to the darkness and he could see that Scott was breathing carefully, controlled like, as if he was afraid to give in to his own feelings. He smiled at that, seeing that this guy wanted to make him comfortable. Now that was a switch, normally they didn’t give a fuck about his feelings.
Randy reached out, nervously, with one hand, letting it touch Scott’s arm lightly. It was like being hit by a bolt of lightning. His whole body recoiled from the sudden intense shock that entered his slender body. He could feel Scott’s body quiver under his touch.
“Scott…..”
Scott couldn’t believe it. His whole body was shaking by the mere touch of this kid’s leg. He was feeling like he was back in high school, afraid to move or make a sound. He tried to keep in control but then he felt Randy move next to him, could feel him change positions, and then he felt his hand touch his arm. It was like being hit by a ten ton anvil.
His chest started to ache, and his whole body seemed to have gone into a convulsion. A strange warmth seemed to be flowing into his body from his arm. He gulped in air, as his lungs seemed to suddenly be empty. His ears rang with the sound of his name, as Randy spoke.
“Ooooh….. uh yeah Randy”
Scott could barely speak, and he was having some real trouble in keeping his mind in control over his body. He wanted to reach out, and grab Randy and pull him into his body, to hold and to keep. His penis had already decided what it wanted, as it was fully erect in his shorts, sticking up like a damn flag pole. Slowly, he turned his face to peer into Randy’s dark eyes, a short distance from his own.
They stared into each other’s eyes, the darkness hiding their faces, the only sound was of the air conditioner humming away in the background. It seemed like hours passed but it was only a few minutes.
Scott brought his arms out of the blanket, letting the covers fall down past his chest. He held them open towards Randy. Randy could see the movement of the arms, and he waited until Scott had them fully extended. He then quickly slid his body over, so that it rested fully against Scott’s own muscular frame. He felt the strong arms encircle his slender body, and pull him tightly inwards. Randy buried his face into Scott’s chest, just under his chin, and a faint smell of apple flowed into his nostrils as some of Scott’s blond hairs fell across his cheeks.
The Locker – Chapter 11
Chapter 11
Sunday 4 a.m. – Nathan
He stared out at the front yard, watching the shadows dance around the darkness moved from pitch black to a dull dark grey. It was strange to be standing here in his bathrobe looking out of the huge bay window knowing that his whole world had suddenly changed.
At first he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. Noah was so young and yet in the way he stood his ground, Nathan could tell that there was a growing maturity in the boy. The question for him was did he really know what he was saying or was it based on over active teenage hormones?
Worse though was the thought that if all that Noah had said was true, could he survive living in a homophobic world? Was he that strong or was he just talking tough? He wished he knew the answer to that because it would help him decide on what he should do. He just didn’t want to see Noah hurt and he doubted if Noah really understood that. All the talk about being gay was not pleasant, but he still knew in his heart that he loved Noah as a son, so he figured in time he would come to accept that part of him as well. It was just that he didn’t know if they would be allowed the time to adjust to it?
People could be cruel but kids were worse. He could foresee some of the comments his so called friends at work might say, and he could even see where it might lead to complications in him getting his own work accomplished. Still he also knew that it wouldn’t go much beyond words or looks. He didn’t expect his own life to be at risk, his own physical well being, from those at work or even from the neighbours. It was from the kids that worried him the most.
Christ he had seen the packs of kids walking down the mall, hanging out the various shops. If they chose to attack no one would stand much of a chance even if people wanted to intercede. It was a crazy mixed up world and Noah was putting himself and them right smack into the middle of that chaos. How could he let him see this boy knowing that it could lead to catastrophic consequences for them all?
On the other hand if he refused to let Noah see this Dakota boy, he risked losing his son in a totally different way. In short he was damned either way so what could he do? If he tried to keep him home he knew that eventually Noah would find a way to get out, after all he wasn’t a dumb kid. Then they would be at war with each other and worse, it would make home even more unbearable. He knew what a hostile home was like. Nate had vowed his would never be like that and yet now, here he was weighing that very possibility. Sure it was different in that he wasn’t a drunk but the results would be the same, no one would want to be in the same room, no one would want to talk or share things. It would become a tomb of silence or angry shouts with nothing in between. His heart knew he couldn’t handle that as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face. Nate’s eyes felt heavy as the clear drops blurred his vision and yet he fought for control, knowing he was going to lose either way.
Sunday 4 a.m. – Noah
Everything had seemed so perfect for him despite the nervousness he had felt all day while waiting to go to meet Dakota. Now it all lay in shambles around him and even holding the pair of worn shorts in his hand didn’t help ease the pain he felt inside.
How could his father be so unreasonable? He had always said he would understand, would listen but he hadn’t. Instead he had come like some mob to yank him away from the one person that made him feel whole, made him feel cared for in a way only a lover could. It wasn’t some stupid teenage obsession like his parents thought, it was real. He could feel that in his heart even if he couldn’t explain it. Damn he wished he had the words to try and make them listen but even if he did, would they listen?
Somehow he thought they might but then he saw his father’s face again, that angry hurt look and he knew he would never understand. There was no sense in trying as he stared out at the tree by his window, saw the branches bending in the breeze. How could he get through today if he couldn’t see Dakota? Hell, how could he get through any day without seeing him, without touching him or smelling him? The pain only grew as he realized that what he had enjoyed earlier might never happen again.
He turned from the darkened window to stare at his bed, to try and see what it would be like if only Dakota was there now, lying on that side with his long hair tossed all over the pillow. God if only he hadn’t slipped and let them know, if only he had managed to keep him and Dakota from them he wouldn’t have all this grief. Trouble was he still wasn’t sure how they did find out, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that no matter how much he screamed, how much he threatened, if they wanted to keep him home they could.
All of his wild fantasies about Dakota were shattered now. Even holding the faded shorts next to his chin and heart didn’t help him. All it did was remind him that what they had shared, that brief moment when he thought he could read Dakota’s innermost thoughts and Dakota his, were probably gone forever. He walked to his bed and slumped down on it, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed heavily into the pillow, wishing for a better world and hoping for an answer that he felt would never come.
Sunday 7:03 a.m.
The pale rays of the morning sun made him squint and squirm a little in his bed as he slowly let them open. His head ached from all the wild thoughts that had passed thru during the night. One second he had imagined himself hopping into his car and racing after Noah, forcing Noah’s parents car off the road so he could snatch his lover form their evil grasp, but that was his anger speaking. It was silly of him to think like that, to even assume that Noah’s parents were evil but as he had laid in bed all night, it was all he could think about.
It had helped to think about doing something stupid like that. Helped to think that Noah’s folks were evil even but deep down he knew he was just avoiding the truth. Dakota felt so alone and frightened that he had dreamed weird dreams, when he did sleep. For the most part he had spent the night looking out at the stars, wondering what it would be like to be a super hero, to have special powers that would make him do the right things and say the right words. Instead he was just a kid facing a major problem with no one to talk to. God had seen to that when he took Montana from him and now who could he talk to,
He could feel the bitterness inside of him and he wondered why it was that everyone was so afraid of guys like him? What was it about being gay that made so many nice folk turn mean and nasty? Their own pastor had refused to officiate at the funeral even because
At least his mom and sister went every other week. They still cared for
He turned his head towards the clock and knew he had to get up. His hand reached down to feel the tight shorts he was wearing and once more he could smell Noah’s scent. His body ached all over for him as he kicked the sheet off. His jaw grew hard as he tried to tell himself that Noah would be back and yet in his heart he found that didn’t give him any comfort. His anger grew but not at Noah’s parents or even his own father but at himself.
It was what really had kept him tossing and turning all night and he hated to admit it, but part of him was kind of glad that Noah’s parents had taken him away. The whole idea of being boyfriends scared him, not because of the commitment. In his heart he knew that he only wanted to be with Noah, that no other person could ever make him feel so wanted, so needed as Noah made him feel. It was something else that troubled him, which he didn’t want to think about but which he couldn’t run from.
He was scared, plain and simple. Not of living forever with just Noah, how could that scare him? No, what made him tremble with fear was that he would fail Noah, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the courage to face down the prejudices that they would have to confront. Dakota realized as he sat on the edge of his bed that he was both happy and sad about last night. Sure he wanted Noah in every way he had said, but he also didn’t want to fight anymore.
Sitting there, feeling the fabric of Noah’s shorts against his thighs and groin he felt lost. Why did it have to be this way? What was it that had some people running from him and guys like him as if they were contaminated or something? Did they really believe that they could catch it, that they could become gay simply because they were near a gay guy? It just seemed so stupid and yet that is how it felt. He had seen it around
Now he had to do that all over again. Now he had to once more go up against those same assholes and he just didn’t know if he could anymore. Dakota felt tired as he stood up and dressed, feeling like a hundred instead of just a mere 16. His mom had told him once how sometimes trouble could age a person faster than anything. He knew was she was talking about now. God why did it always have to be like this? What difference did it make to anyone really if he was fucking a guy up the ass or not? Why did it matter to them if he liked a dick in his mouth instead of licking at some damn pussy?
His headache grew worse as he struggled with the feelings inside. He really did want Noah, not just for the sex but for the friendship and everything else that made up a relationship, least as how he thought it was. Looking at how his mom and dad acted together, it was what he thought could happen with him and Noah, but that was all in the air now. He had picked up the phone a couple of times last night, wanting to call him but then he chickened out, afraid of what would happen if Noah’s dad answered or worse if he told him that Noah couldn’t talk to him anymore.
At those times he could feel his anger rising up but at the same time he felt something else. It was like a part of him wished that would happen because then it would solve his problem. He wouldn’t have to pretend and he could safely go on living in their world without having to fight anymore. Those thoughts only confused him and made him feel shame. Why couldn’t it just be okay to love someone and not have to see first if they were the right sex or colour or whatever? Was God that choosey about who got into heaven? Did he really care if two people loved each other but were of the same sex or of different races? Did it matter if say some Jewish guy fell in love with a catholic girl, did they get banned from his heaven too or was it just gays?
Nothing really made sense to him as he walked thru the kitchen and kissed his mother on the cheek. He refused her offer of breakfast, feeling rather full despite the queasiness in his stomach. She looked so sad for him but what could she do? It was his problem and one that more than likely Noah’s father had already taken care of. If Noah had been able to convince them he would have called last night. The fact he didn’t was good enough as a call.
He reached the car when he stopped, startled by the shadow. His eyes narrowed and then opened wide as he recognized his father sitting in the passenger seat.
“Dad… uh…”
“You are late this morning”
“Yeah I didn’t get up on time, uh, what are you doing in the car?”
“Waiting for you”
There was something different about him, the way he was looking at him made him feel uneasy. He also felt a bit angry, thinking that his dad wanted him to take him somewhere when he should know that Sunday mornings were his. This was his time to be free of house chores and family stuff, it was his time to visit his brother. Dakota grew impatient as he was already late and he still had so many different things going thru his mind that he felt tired already.
“Oh, uh can’t it wait? I want to go to uh… well you know, uh, can’t it wait?”
“Can’t what wait?”
“Uh whatever it is you want me to do, or take you, or… I don’t know, you are in my car, just figured that uh…”
“You going to see
“Yeah… you know I always do on Sunday morning”
“Thought as much, figured, well thought I’d go with you, that okay?”
He suddenly froze as he heard his father’s calm voice telling him that he was going to go with him. It was so unexpected that he felt slightly confused as well as uncertain. This from the man that no one could get to go to see
“Huh? You mean… but, are you sure?”
“Yes, why? Don’t you think I can handle your driving?”
“No, I just… I mean you never wanted to come with me before, in fact… well, you never go to… uh, you never been to see…”
“Is that what you think?”
“Well… yes”
Now it was his turn to be shocked. His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked into the stunned face of his son. Could he really have not known all this time? Surely he had more faith in him than that? It felt painful as he saw for himself that Dakota really didn’t know and he knew that it was his fault. God how stupid could he have been?
“I see… I didn’t realize you didn’t know”
“Know? What didn’t I know?”
“Just where do you think I go every morning at sunrise?”
“To work, I mean… don’t you?”
“No Dakota, I don’t”
“Then… where do you…”
“I go to see your brother, sunrise was his favourite time of the day, you knew that, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but… uh yeah I did.”
“But you didn’t think I knew, isn’t that what you wanted to say?”
“I guess”
For a moment he couldn’t stand to look at his son and turned away from him. His heart ached inside of his chest as he realized just how much his son didn’t know about him. Gary knew he wasn’t the demonstrative type, the kind that always hung out with the kids, tried to be a pal. He just figured it wasn’t his role, that it was more important to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. He left the mothering to his wife but it didn’t mean he didn’t care. Hell he always spent time getting caught up on what had gone on, what the latest news was from the boyfriend front and all that other stuff.
He always kept his eye on them, never trying to intrude in their lives but always making sure he was close by, just in case. Didn’t they know that or was it maybe that he never let them know? To think that Dakota believed he had never gone to see
The realization of the gap between them only made him ache more. He wondered if
“I know lots of things son, I know for instance that
“I never… but why, uh, why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“What was there to say? That I miss him so much that I go and watch the sunrise over his grave? That instead of sitting out with him when he was alive to watch, I do it now that he is gone? What could I say that wouldn’t make it all seem so… so pitiful?”
It was like there was a stranger sitting in his car. The words were so filled with pain that he didn’t know what to do. He could feel the tears welling up near his eyes as he stared out at his father. The man looked different too, looked almost like a beaten old man instead of the strong 42 year old he was. Could the pain he felt for
“Dad I…”
“Just drive son, okay? Right now, please, just drive”
He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how he expected his father to act and yet in some deep part of his body he felt like it couldn’t ever be any other way. This was the man he thought his father was but had rarely seen. Now that he was seeing it he felt scared and yet warm too. It was confusing as he looked at his father who turned away at last. Dakota could see the tears welling up in the lined face and his heart ached for his dad. He stared at him then looked at the house, to see his mother standing on the porch. She merely nodded at him and he turned back to get into his car. Dakota turned the ignition on and headed the car down the long dusty road towards the main road.
The sound of the wind blowing past and the noise cars made as they whizzed by only made him more aware of the silent figure next to him. There were so many questions popping into his head that his headache only got worse. He had to squint as the pain in his forehead grew with each passing mile, He drove by reflex more than anything and despite that he felt like he was on a bed of nails. There was so much he wanted to ask but each time he tried, his courage failed him. He sat there driving instead of talking, instead of asking so that when they finally arrived at the cemetery he was startled.
He shifted down a little, easing off the gas and coasted along the windy road till he could go no further. He parked the car off to the side and stared out past the lush green rolling grass. His eyes narrowed as he saw the tall tree off in the distance and his heart sighed a bit, wishing for what he wasn’t sure. So much was pressing on him that he stood there blinking in the morning light until he saw the bent over figure slowly walking up the grassy knoll. His father had already left him and he quickly leaped forward, jogging to catch up.
They came to the simply white stone that jutted up from the grassy ground. You could barely see the dirt now, the grass having already claimed most of it. The shade from the overhanging branches added a soft cool touch to the whole area. Other stones were dotted about but there was nothing on either side of
His father stood by the stone with his head bowed and then as Dakota came to stand by him he finally looked at him. Dakota stepped back as he saw a warm glow and strange calm in his father’s face. He had half expected to see tears running down the cheeks but instead they actually had a bit of colour to them. It was weird for him as he saw his dad give him a small smile and then take his jacket off. For a moment Dakota thought he would toss it over his shoulder or offer it to him to wear or hold but instead the man simply laid the jacket on the grass, next to the headstone and then proceeded to sit down on it.
Dakota didn’t know what to do. He stood there staring down at the stone and then at his father who just sat there, his legs stretched out in front like he was at a picnic or something. It all seemed so unreal to him and yet as the sun played on the grass in front and the wind swirled lightly around him, he knew this wasn’t a dream. His heart continued to pound hard as he tried to say something, not sure what he should say even. Everything seemed so natural and yet felt weird, just like everything else it seemed that was happening to him. His thoughts turned to Noah and he wondered what it would have been like having Noah here with him? Would he have understood why every Sunday Dakota came here or would he think it sappy and weird? Whenever things got heavy, whenever he needed a place to think it was here that he came.
Here was where he felt safe; where he could talk to the only person he had who could understand him. Here was where he could unburden his mind to the only person that shared the same doubts and pains as he did. Here was where he could just be himself, talk without worry about what someone might think or get a wrong impression. Would Noah have understood that? Did his father understand it? Once more his eyes were drawn to his dad who was leaning back on his elbows and staring right back at him. It made him jump a bit and hang his head down, the eye contact too frightening to him.
“Don’t you sit?”
“Huh?”
“Do you just stand or do you sit down when you come by yourself?”
“Oh, uh, I sit”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Why aren’t you sitting? Am I making you that nervous Dakota?”
“Sorry… I guess partly, I don’t know.”
Staring at his son, he reminded him of a deer got in the headlights of a truck. His eyes blazed and yet he stole perfectly still. Nothing around him seemed to be registering as the lights mesmerized him except in this case it was his presence. Did he really make his own boy so nervous or was it something else? Something was eating at him, but what?
“Feeling shell shocked are you?”
“Shell shocked? From?”
“Me being here, last night, school, life, I don’t know, everything maybe?”
He felt confused by his father. His dad had said more to him so far than maybe what he had said over the entire year. It was nice in one sense and freaky in another. Was his dad going to try and tell him he shouldn’t see Noah anymore? The idea that he might do that though didn’t anger him as much as he thought it should. Was he maybe hoping for that but damn it, he loved Noah or thought he did. Why was he feeling like he needed an out, that he needed an excuse to end something he only had ever dreamed of having? Was he that fucked up in the head that when something good like Noah came along he tried to push it away? What was wrong with him? Why was he acting this way?
“I suppose… things are a bit uh, mixed up”
“Mixed up? Christ son they are royally fucked up as I see it”
“Dad!”
“What? You think this is where we pussy foot around stuff? I don’t think so Dakota, one thing I have learned by coming here every morning for so long is that pussy footing around stuff that counts is just so much crap and a waste of time. Hell son, we got more important stuff to deal with in life than worrying about what blasted words we use, don’t you think?”
“I guess… I don’t know, maybe”
Gary couldn’t put his finger on it but something was out of place, was wrong as Dakota never was so hesitant before, never so reluctant to say how he felt. He peered intently at his son, trying to figure out what it was that had him acting so skittish. Could Dakota be worried that he might try to stop him from seeing that Noah boy?
“Christ son you are acting like you are going to jump out of your skin, what is it? This trouble with that Noah boy, is that eating at you?”
“Partly”
“The rest being?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
Dakota wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t used to all these questions from his dad like this, and hell it seemed that he knew more than he had suspected. Okay maybe mom had talked to him he thought but why now? Why was he suddenly all fired up to talk about this stuff? It wasn’t like he seemed interest before this, so what was it? Was he worried about more medical bills or was there something he hadn’t told him? Christ had he heard from Noah’s folks?
That might be it but staring at him, seeing the strange new look on his face he wondered other things too. It just wasn’t the way he was used to his dad acting. Maybe there was something going on he should know about, why the sudden switch in how he acted? The whole idea of his dad showing up here each morning was puzzling to him. How could he have not known but worse, why did his dad do it?
“Why are you here now? Why do you come here in the mornings alone? Why didn’t you ever tell me, or
“Yes she knows, she’s even come a few times with me, though she worried each time that one of you would wake up and find us both gone, so for the most part she stays home, but yes she knows.”
“Then why didn’t you, I mean why was it a secret?”
“It wasn’t, guess though it became one all on its own, kind of like you and Montana huh?”
“Us? I don’t…”
For the life of him he had never seen his son so disjointed, so lacking in strength. At times he had thought Dakota had a certain stubborn streak or even a defiant one but looking at him now all he could see was total confusion. It scared him a little as he tried to figure out what it could be that had him all in knots like this?
Dakota had always been one of those kids who just went and did things. He never worried about asking, he just went and did em like he had some secret guidance system inside that always kept him focused. Now he looked like a duck out of water that made him sweat a bit. He was so young to have gone through so much crap and yet to know that there was just as much if not more around the corner. It didn’t seem right or fair but that was life.
“How long did you know Dakota? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?”
“I dunno, awhile I guess”
“So how come you never told?”
“That is different… I mean…”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, it is something you, you know… What, you figured I should have just come up and said, oh by the way I am gay too? Besides, I thought you had enough to worry about.”
It was almost as if he could smell the fear oozing from his son. His heart began to tremble as he realized that something was seriously wrong with his boy. He couldn’t quite get a handle on it but he could see the terror in Dakota’s face as he spoke, as he tried to hide the doubts and fears.
“That’s nice if it is true”
“Huh? Of course it is…”
“Could be more that you were just plain scared?”
Shit, did everyone know what a coward he was? Was he the last one to find out that all this time of pretending to be tough, pretending to be self-reliant and all that in reality he was just a scared snot nosed kid? God did Noah know it too?
Maybe that was why he had gone so ballistic, so intense that he would get his parents to see things his way. It was maybe his way of telling him that he knew, that he didn’t care or was he just trying to get him to stand up for a change? Shit, it was so mixed up, he wished they had time before all this happened. Maybe if they had spent the weekend together they could have talked. Hell maybe he could have found the guts to try and explain all these weird things he was feeling inside.
Looking at his dad he wondered what he was up to? Did he suspect how much of a coward he was or was he trying to find out? The way he looked now sure as hell wasn’t how he looked when he first confronted Montana. God the anger on his face, the almost murderous look he gave both of them was still vivid in his mind. How did he expect him to tell him after looking like that?
“Okay, yeah that too I suppose, shit it isn’t easy telling something like that, and then… well…”
“Well what?”
“I didn’t want you to go off like you did when Montana told you”
It couldn’t be that simple, could it? Looking at his face, seeing the way he kept averting his eyes only made Gary more certain that his boy was still hiding something. He wished he could pin point it because in his heart he knew it could make or break who is son turned out to be. Every part of his body felt like it belonged to a person over a 100 as he tried to figure out just what was eating at Dakota.
“He didn’t tell me, I went off cause I heard about it elsewhere, hell I don’t know, maybe I would have gone off the same no matter what, but I cooled off pretty fast, didn’t I?”
“Yeah”
“So?”
“I dunno, guess I should have said something”
“Would have helped”
“I suppose, just that, well, you aren’t all that easy to just talk to”
“Doing okay now aren’t we?”
“Some, maybe it’s the place, or maybe I just… I don’t know, so why didn’t you tell me? About coming here?”
“I never really thought about it actually, never even knew you didn’t know, at least until last night. That’s maybe why this morning I am here with you instead”
Somehow he felt he was on safer ground now. Talking about why he hadn’t said anything was getting to close to home. God what if he was a coward thru and thru? He couldn’t be though, shit he had stood up for Montana, had fought a few good fights too, so how could he be a coward? Thing was though it was how he felt right now, knowing that he was only looking for excuses to break it off with Noah.
He felt angry at his father too. Why did he have to come and dump all this on him now? Didn’t he have enough to try and figure out without having to explain all this other stuff? Couldn’t his dad see that he needed to be alone, to work stuff out?
“But… I mean each time we asked you to come with us, you always refused, we thought it was cause… well cause you couldn’t bear to be here, now you say you are here every morning, so, why didn’t you come with us? Is it us you didn’t want to be around?”
“Christ NO! I thought that each needed their own time here, without the others. I love your mother and when she offered to come with me, I didn’t refuse but she could tell, she could see that this was my time. I just thought when you asked that you were being polite is all. I also thought that you needed your own time here, just like I do”
“I suppose, still I wish I had known…”
“Why? So you could have joined me? I don’t know, maybe once or twice would have been okay, but I think if you had known you would have wanted to come every morning, and well as much as I love you, I need that time to be alone with Montana.”
“I guess I understand… but still”
Why was he so scared of him? It didn’t make sense really because he thought he had always been a good father. He never tried to force them to do stuff, he would always explain things or at least try to. Wasn’t like teenagers ever wanted to listen but still he had tried. Okay there had been times when he had to be strict, hell that was part of being a parent but that shouldn’t make his kids afraid of him.
God didn’t they know that he would give his own life for them if he could save them from pain? Didn’t Dakota know that he would have traded places with Montana in a flash if he could have? How could he have raised Dakota all these years with him not knowing or trusting in him? Was he that much of a stranger to his own family?
“Hell Dakota, you could have asked too you know? If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask, it isn’t like I bite your head off when you ask me stuff, is it?”
“No, I just never… never really thought to”
“I suppose son, but it isn’t right you know? We are supposed to trust each other, you do know I love you don’t you?”
“Yeah”
Gary was confused. He heard the words and they were what he had expected and yet they rang false inside. Looking at Dakota he realized that the boy was saying what he thought he wanted to hear instead of telling him the truth. It was not how he had raised him and yet, there was something in Dakota’s face that made him worry even more.
“Yeah? Yeah but what?”
“Nothing”
“Nothing my ass, I can see it in your eyes son, you don’t think I love you do you?”
“I don’t know…. shit, I wish I did, but sometimes I think you hate me, that you…”
“Hate you? I could never hate you, you are my son”
“I know, it is just that… well sometimes I wonder if you do cause I am… well cause I am like Montana”
“Like Montana? You mean gay?”
“Yes”
“How can you, what ever could make you think that I hated your brother? I love him, just as I love you and Arizona. Do you really think I hated Montana because he was gay?”
He didn’t know what to say to his dad. Yes at times he did think that his dad hated Montana and hated him too because they were gay. At times he could see the look on his face and he knew it was hatred. Maybe if Montana hadn’t gotten sick things would be different, but everything changed with that news. The looks never came after that, so maybe it wasn’t real or maybe it was just that he couldn’t hate someone who was dying? How do you say that?
“I don’t think so, no… but then he got sick which changed things, I don’t know, maybe you think it is my fault or something”
Oh Sweet Jesus how could he have missed all this pain and suffering that was inside of his boy? Had he been that blind or that self absorbed that he hadn’t seen the pain in his youngest boy? His body shook a little as he felt his own shame for not seeing, for not knowing.
“My God, Dakota how… I love you son, as much as I loved Montana and as much as I love your sister. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.”
“It is just that… I don’t know, being this way, Montana having been this way…”
“Good Lord Dakota, how could you even think that? Why didn’t you ever come to me or to your mother? Why have you kept all this inside?”
“I don’t know, I guess I kept seeing how angry you got at Montana, and then how sad you were when… when he came home to… to die. I don’t know, it just was like… like…”
“Terrifying and confusing?”
“yes”
“I know, it is how I felt then too, still do really. I won’t bullshit you Dakota, I do worry about you and at times, well at times I curse this whole gay thing”
It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He knew inside that his dad hadn’t cared for him being gay any more than he had for Montana. Still to hear it only made it seem worse. He couldn’t help who he was, at times he wished he could but it just didn’t happen no matter how much he prayed for it. God what he wouldn’t give to be like all the others, to not worry about hiding how he was feeling or thinking when in the locker room or walking down the hallway. No one really could understand how that hurt and each night he wished he could be different. Now knowing his dad really did hate it only made him wish he had, well that he had died along with Montana. At least for Montana that part was over, he didn’t have to face all those hating faces anymore.
“I can’t help being this way dad”
“No I know that, I don’t curse at you son… I curse at God I guess, for making you this way, not because I am ashamed either, but for all the grief this has given you, both of you really”
“I miss him so much dad…”
“I know we all do son, we all do…”
“Why did he have to die Dad? Why? Is it maybe… I mean… could they…”
God how many sleepless nights had he and his wife shared over this question? Why did such bad things happen to innocent people like his Montana? Okay, maybe he wasn’t perfect but who in hell was? Montana cared for a lot of things, he was a good son and looked after his sister and younger brother. He would give anything he had for them so why? What terrible thing was it that made God take him from them?
He couldn’t begin to count how many times he asked himself if it was because of Montana being gay. How many times had he picked up a newspaper to read about some group claiming gays were sinners, some Priest commenting on how they were doomed unless they repented or how many politicians that were incensed at their lifestyle demanding criminal penalties for their behaviour?
Even his own family pastor had felt that Montana had violated some sacred trust with God, but damn it, God created his boy, just as he had created everything in the world, how could Montana be evil? How could such a warm person who loved life like he had be a shame to God?
Deep down in his heart he knew that they were wrong. His mind may wonder and think that perhaps they had a point or two, which they even had to be right given, who they were but in his heart he knew that was wrong. Something deep down told him that and looking at Dakota, he realized that his son was lost. He had listened too much to the hatred.
Gary sighed as he looked deeply into his boy’s face in an effort to calm the fears that seemed to be there. There was so much he didn’t know and yet it was up to him to show him that it was okay to be who he was. It was his responsibility as a father to try and help his son, but how could he when he himself didn’t know the answers or the truth? All he had was his faith and he prayed it would be enough.
“NO! NO! Don’t… damn, don’t Dakota… you can’t blame his dying on who he was or who you are either, it isn’t like they say son… God in heaven, I wish I could explain it…. I wish someone would explain it to me… “
“Then… why? It seems so… so cruel”
“Life can be that way, I don’t know why, it just is I suppose, but Dakota you can’t ever believe it is because he was gay. For whatever reason God chose to take Montana, it wasn’t because Montana was gay.”
“You still believe in God?”
“Don’t you? Of course I still do, I don’t know if I could have gotten through this otherwise.”
Dakota lowered his head and stared at the ground. All he could feel was pain inside, pain and hatred. He hated who he was, having to always try to be one thing when he was something else. He hated how it had made Montana feel, hated how it had hurt them all and worse of all he hated how it taken his brother from him.
“I don’t”
“Dakota you are angry, you can’t…”
“Blame God? Why the hell not? He made us this way didn’t he? So why then? Why did he send this AIDS to kill us? Is he ashamed of us too? If he exists, why dad? Why?”
The silence felt like it would shatter every thing around him. He couldn’t look at his son really and he felt the pain in his heart because he also wondered about it. How could a God who was supposed to be of love do such things? He had questioned it so many times that he knew them by heart. The trouble was he had no answer for his son who needed one and he felt himself slip a little, his hand touching the warm stone of his other boy’s final marker. In that moment he knew that he faced losing Dakota and felt the panic inside but the fires that flickered inside refused to die, just as his faith had refused to go quietly away.
“There is no answer Dakota, except that if you believe, eventually the answers will come. You aren’t asking anything I haven’t asked…”
“Then how can you still believe in God? How can…”
“I have to, because I suppose if I didn’t believe in him anymore I’d have to believe that Montana is here now, his body rotting into nothing and that the pain he suffered was all he would know, because Dakota to believe in God I can at least have some hope that he is not suffering anymore, that what happened to him wasn’t his final feelings on earth, that he isn’t really gone.”
“But… it doesn’t…”
“No it isn’t rational, it isn’t logic, but in my heart son, it feels right. Faith isn’t for when things are good, it is easy to believe in God then, but faith, real faith is believing in him when things aren’t good. I have to believe, for me not to, I can’t imagine what it would be otherwise… can’t you see? If there is no God, then Montana died in pain, there is no escape for him, can’t you see that?”
“But why all this then? Why?”
“I don’t know, guess maybe some priest or expert could give you a better reason, even then I kind of doubt if it would be any more real than what I believe. I know it is true, how I know I can only say cause inside, where it all counts, where there is no place to hide from the truth, it feels right.”
“I don’t feel that”
“Don’t you? I think you do, but I also think you are afraid of it, the truth isn’t always kind, is it?”
“You really believe Montana is at peace?”
“Yes”
“You think he can see us now? Sitting here?”
“I don’t know, I think whatever Montana’s soul was, I think that is watching us, yes.”
He sat there next to his father and brother, wondering if the pain he was feeling was like his dad said. Was he trying to run away from the truth? Maybe it was that, maybe it was that he really wasn’t sure what the truth was. All he knew for certain was that he cared for Noah, that he missed Montana. That he knew, as to the rest, it was all a mess inside.
Part of him wanted to have what everyone else had. He wanted to walk down a street and hold hands, kiss when he felt like it or just walk with Noah’s head on his shoulder. That was what he wanted, dreamed of having. For a brief time last night he thought it might happen. At least where they were it was safe, but school, that was something else. He could never do that at school without fighting at least once every day.
That was what scared him. He had been in fights, and okay yeah he did okay and won them, but it still fucking hurt afterwards. So what if he won, eventually someone bigger or tougher would come along then what? Would Noah still want him if he were damaged goods? Hell would Noah want him if he lost, never mind how he looked afterwards?
Maybe he would but sitting there, feeling the sun on his face and body, he knew there was more to it. Noah might not mind him losing a fight or two, but what would he think if he not only lost the fight but as a result Noah got the crap kicked of him too? How would he look at him then? Would the feelings he had now turn into hate or disappointment? Hate he could maybe handle, disappointing Noah was something totally different.
As he sat there he also knew that if he did manage to keep things going with Noah that eventually it would change. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that the pressure that everyone at school would put on them would be constant. There is no way guys like Hector would let it go and if he was right, guys like Rusty would keep pushing those like Hector. It was how they got their jollies. He had seen it with Montana, and he had to admit that if Montana hadn’t gotten sick, that he most likely would have quit school or maybe worse.
The pain and emptiness inside his heart only grew more intense sitting by his dad and his brother’s grave. He was both angry and scared at the same time, uncertain what to do. The look in Noah’s eyes as he had left told him that if he could, he’d fight his parents till eventually they gave in. That meant that no matter what he would be looking at a rough year at school, for both him and Noah. Then there was Arizona to think about. She was a true Northwood and no doubt she’d throw in her two cents if people picked on him and Noah.
God that would be all his folks would need. Him to come home battered or hurt every night and his sister too. How much could his folks take? They weren’t exactly young and besides, losing Montana seemed to have knocked the life from them. His dad never laughed really, his mom barely ever smiled a real smile. How could he do that to them when most likely Noah would dump him in the end?
Okay maybe he wouldn’t, but Noah didn’t know how rough it could get. He had no clue as to how mean kids could be. He was already choked by just some spray painting on the locker, how would he feel when his locker would be trashed and all over the floor? How would he feel when kids would make fag jokes in class and the teacher laugh along with the others? He had seen it, he knew how it felt and right now, right now he just wished the whole world would simply blow up or something.
For a brief time he had felt normal, felt like everything bad had suddenly been pushed away. Why couldn’t it have stayed like that? His eyes searched upwards, almost as if he was asking God. Okay he had thought that he didn’t believe, but like his dad said, you had to have something. Maybe he should give God another chance or maybe he should just grow up and accept that life sucked? All he knew was how much it hurt to think of going back to school tomorrow, of maybe having to face Noah and finding out that they couldn’t see each other anymore, or worse that they could. God how could he think this way? Didn’t he care about Noah or did he care for his own ass more?
Was he a coward? The thought had entered his mind a few times last night. Why did it matter so much this time if he got into fights? Why did it matter if he lost or not? It never really mattered before but now it bugged him. Maybe before it was just him and he never had thought about how it affected his parents or even Montana? Could it be that? Still, if he was really in love with Noah, shouldn’t he not be worried about this stuff? Shouldn’t he be more worried about what Noah’s parents might do or that they might not be allowed to see each other?
“I am scared”
“I know son”
“No, I don’t think you do, I mean I am scared of fighting”
“Of fighting or of fighting for Noah?”
“Both I guess”
“You afraid of losing?”
“A bit, but no, I think its something else, I just don’t know what”
“You not sure Noah is worth it?”
“I don’t know… maybe, or maybe that I am not worth it?”
Gary sat there with his head tilted upwards and his eyes blurred by the rays of the sun. The pain in his chest was real as he listened to the soft voice of his son knowing how much he was in pain. He didn’t know the answers to give him either which only increased his own feelings of guilt. He was supposed to help his boys but so far all he had done was lose one and now was maybe going to lose another one.
To tell him to walk away was on his lips but was that what he should say? To tell his son to back off would mean a lot less headaches for Dakota but also for him. Was he willing to tell him that because he believed it was the right course for his boy or was it because it would mean less trouble for him? God how do you know the truth he wondered, how?
Oh he had spoken the right words, about faith and everything but here he was, once more trying to wrestle with the truth and not knowing which way to turn. Did Dakota really feel that Noah might not be the one or was that simply his fear? Did he maybe worry about what his love with this boy might do to all of them so he was trying to find a way to back out?
If Dakota really did believe that Noah wasn’t the one for him then he needed to spare them all the grief that would come from seeing him now. If that was for real, if deep in his heart he really was unsure then he had to tell Dakota to back off, but was it real? There was no way for him to know or was there? His eyes narrowed as he stared upwards, searching his memory for something that was nagging at him, something that might help him give Dakota the right answers.
“You have been thinking about this since his parents came or before?”
“Kind of before, just before I guess”
“Why? Did he do something, say something?”
He really wasn’t sure how to explain it to his dad. Was it that he said it or was it maybe more than that? All he knew was that he got a chill when he heard school but if he was honest, it wasn’t really what he said as to what he thought. God was he hopeless but maybe if he talked about it, maybe he could figure it out?
“Said… it was about school”
“I see”
“I don’t, am I being a coward?”
He could hear the pain in his son’s voice. Worse he could even see it in his face. Gary’s heart ached too as he realized that there was a lot more to this. His instincts told him that it really wasn’t Noah had said or maybe not even what he had or hadn’t done, but that maybe Dakota was feeling tired, already beaten by all that had gone on with Montana. For a moment he once more hated this whole gay stuff, wishing for a mere instant that Dakota were normal. Then as the idea crept in he felt the shame too, because Dakota was normal, to say he wasn’t just because he was gay was being like all the others. God, what a world he thought as he tried to figure out how to answer his son. Part of him knew some of what he said was from fear, but was that it? Maybe some was from Dakota simply being tired, exhausted from having to be something he wasn’t and it was wearing him down.
“Depends I suppose on why you feel this way, sometimes you have to walk away, but tell me, why did you bring Noah out to the house? I don’t think you ever brought anyone home, why him?”
“I dunno, seemed right I suppose”
“He that good in, uh, he good as a… shit, he good in bed?”
“No… not really I guess, maybe in time, uh… this is weird, I don’t… I mean…”
Christ how do you talk about sex with your son when you didn’t even know what his kind of sex was? He had some idea but he just couldn’t quite figure it all out, still maybe that was part of this whole thing for Dakota, then again in his heart he was pretty well certain it had nothing to do with sex. He had to make sure and maybe in the process help Dakota realize that as well.
“Yeah but, well I know, feels damn strange talking to your dad about your gay partner, still… I mean, well if he isn’t that good, why then? Why bring him home to us?”
“It isn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, actually I did, I suppose you could say that it felt the best but wasn’t… I don’t know, shit. I never felt so good as when we were doing it, but after, I mean the actual stuff… it wasn’t done like… like it should be…”
“You mean emotionally he can’t be beat but in the style or technique he stunk?”
“Christ that sounds so… but yeah, I guess that is what I mean”
“Maybe he’s not as experienced as you?”
“God no he isn’t, this was uh, this was his first time”
“Oh shit”
“Yeah… maybe I rushed him and well, I don’t know, maybe he, damn I don’t know, it seemed so right then, but later, in thinking about it…”
“After he mentioned school?”
Was his dad trying to tell him he was a coward? Okay yeah the sex had been super, not sure how else he could describe it okay in style, maybe it wasn’t the best, but so what? Wasn’t it how he felt that counted and he knew, deep down he knew that what he had felt had been real. So was it the sex?
Staring at his feet he could feel his insides again, feel that strange glow that Noah gave him when they touched. There was no mistaking how that felt and yet here he was, trying to make out like it felt less than it was. Was it a way to make him feel better about what he was thinking?
“Kind of”
“Until then you didn’t care if his uh, his style was off?”
“No, never thought about it, I just… I don’t know, I feel so confused. I want to be with him, least part of me says I do, but then, well part of me says I am asking for trouble”
“Trouble or getting beaten up?”
For just a second he wanted to scream out yes, but he bit his tongue instead. Couldn’t his father understand that it was more than just that? How could he not be afraid of getting the crap kicked out of him or worse. Sure he wanted Noah, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle the responsibility it meant. Was he really just afraid of fighting or that he wasn’t sure if he loved Noah? Either way he guessed he was fucked.
“Maybe that, but no, not really. I guess I keep seeing him, beaten up and looking at me so disappointed, like I let him down”
“You didn’t beat him up”
“No, but if I lose the fights he could get hurt, then it would be my fault. Don’t you see? I don’t want to have him disappointed in me, I’d rather he hate me instead”
“So if you tell him you don’t love him, he will be safe, he won’t get hurt and you won’t get into fights you might lose, which means he won’t get hurt or disappointed in you, is that it?”
“Yeah, guess so”
“So all this talk about him not pleasing you, that’s what?”
“I don’t know, being stupid?”
“No, maybe its trying to convince yourself that you don’t care for him like you know you do, makes it easier to get him to hate you then doesn’t it?”
He did care for him though, so how could it be that? Why didn’t he understand that he just didn’t want to be the one who had to do all this? Maybe it was that he was sure how he felt, just that he wasn’t so sure about Noah? Hell he was Noah’s first, maybe it was just infatuation or something? Maybe it was because they came from two different types of life, or maybe he just wasn’t certain that Noah would stand by him?
“No, well maybe a bit”
“Also gives you a good excuse for trying to hide that hurt you have inside, that hole where you keep his feelings. That way when you miss him and it aches so much, you can have an excuse all ready, that he really wasn’t good in bed, or his hair was too short, or something, right?”
“No, you make it sound so cruel, I don’t think like that, I care for him, I just don’t want to fight, I don’t want to get him hurt because I lose, I’d rather remember him as it was up in the tree house than him lying somewhere being disappointed cause I couldn’t lick some dude, it is for him…”
“Him or for you?”
“Me? No, I can handle a few bruises and stuff”
“I know, I know too that Montana could as well but even he was reaching his end when he got the news. God only knows how it would have all played out if he hadn’t gotten sick, and that Dakota is what worries you now, isn’t it?”
Yes okay? That was some of it, he had seen it and felt it. He had seen the pain in his brother each time he had to go to school, saw the fear that he tried to hide from everyone. Yes that was it, part of it anyhow. He didn’t want to feel like dirt all day long. What was so wrong in just wanting to go on as things were, without risking everyone knowing? Yes he wanted Noah too but Noah couldn’t keep it quiet, there was no way he wouldn’t let something slip, then what? Couldn’t his dad understand that simple thing, he didn’t want to be gay?
“Some I suppose”
“A lot maybe? Maybe you wonder what Noah would do, maybe all this is simply that you don’t care for him, maybe he was just a what, a quick romp? Is that how you look at him?”
“NO! Shit I don’t think of him that way, he is more than that. Christ he has a smile to die for, and he’s smart too, you don’t know how smart he is. There are lots of things about him that I like, stuff like how he laughs, the way he smells even. I know its hard to imagine, but he has talent too, he can act and he might not be good at sports but he can do lots of other stuff and…”
“And yet you want to dump him”
He just didn’t understand it. Noah was everything a guy could want, could even ask for even. Trouble was, deep down in his own heart he felt dirty, felt ashamed of being just what Noah wasn’t afraid of. He didn’t want to be gay, he didn’t’ want to go thru his whole life wondering if the person would find out or if they would attack him. He just wanted to be like all the others, go thru school and not worry about fighting, not worry about who would be next. Was that so wrong or selfish? Yes he wanted Noah, but damn it why couldn’t Noah be a girl and he normal?
“No, it is just… damn I wish I knew what to say”
“Say what is in your heart son, forget the logic, Christ if I listened to my brain back when I was first met your mother none of you kids would have been born”
“What does that… I don’t see how…”
“Dakota, faith isn’t just about God, faith is about believing in what you can’t see or in what doesn’t make sense. Your heart is telling you how it feels, your mind is telling you it doesn’t make sense, that it is risky, dangerous even but if you have faith in what your heart says, if you have faith in that love you feel for him, then all this worry won’t amount to a hill of beans”
“But what if I am not good enough for him? What if I fail him? What if…”
“What if a bus hits you, what if a tornado comes and takes us all away or what if you are good enough for him?”
“Or not?”
He looked over at his son and wondered what it was that was eating at him. Dakota had never seemed so insecure before or dejected either. Even Montana’s death hadn’t made him seem this lost, this confused. Looking at him he tried to reach inside, to try and find that one spot where the truth lay. Could Dakota be a coward was one thought but he had seen him, seen how he had this way that no coward could have. No, Dakota wasn’t a coward in that sense. He would fight if pushed, if he had reason to so what then?
Staring at the boy’s face he could see the fear in his eyes but there was something else as well. There was hatred in the eyes but for what he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Noah or him so what? What was making his son want to pass up an opportunity that may never come his way again? It was hard enough in the straight world to find a companion, doubly harder in his son’s world. Why would he give up something that he even admitted felt right, felt good?
“Dakota…”
They both turned around at the sudden voice that came to them. Gary saw a tall man standing a bit behind the young boy and he could see the lines of strain on his face even from here. His heart ached as he saw the warm glow on the boy’s face as he waited for Dakota to answer him. Inside he knew it wasn’t the right time, that it was not a blessing.
Dakota seemed to jump at the sound of his name from behind and as he turned and saw Noah standing there, his heart felt like it would break apart. God this wasn’t what he wanted, not now. There was still so much he wanted to think about, to get straight but then looking at him seeing him standing there he knew that now was just as good as any other time.
“Noah… how, I mean…”
“We went to your place first, your mom told us how to get here… uh, you okay?”
“Uh… yeah, yeah I am fine, uh, your dad, does this mean that…”
“He’s cool Dakota, he isn’t going to stop us… I told you, didn’t I?”
“Uh yeah, yeah you did…”
Why wasn’t Dakota jumping up and down? He looked so sad, so unhappy that his own joy began to weaken a little. He hadn’t been sure what he expected but this wasn’t it. Something was up but he still couldn’t quite feel what. He was just too excited by the change of events and all he could think about was sharing it with Dakota. Hell part of him was hoping that he could stay the night with him, and maybe this time he could, well maybe this time he would last longer.
All the way here all he could think about was how good it would feel to put his arms around Dakota. He could almost taste the salt that would come from having Dakota’s mouth pressed against his as they would hug and kiss and all of that but now, now that seemed just a distant dream as Dakota only stared up at him, hardly even moving.
“What’s wrong? You don’t sound thrilled… didn’t you understand? My folks, they aren’t going…”
“I understand, uh, shit… let’s go over there, okay?”
“Okay, but…”
“Please”
Noah felt a cold chill creep into his body at the pleading word that came from Dakota. He had slowly stood up, as if he was dreading having to stand next to him even. Something was wrong and for a moment or two he was certain it had to do with Dakota’s own parents. Maybe they objected to him, but he could handle that. If he could convince his parents that they were right for each other, he could convince Dakota’s.
They walked down the hill a bit and then Dakota turned to look at Noah. He could see the shining face and glowing eyes which only made him hurt even more. He knew he had no choice really even though he doubted if anyone would understand. Maybe if Montana was still here he might but maybe not even him. He sighed as he let his eyes stare down at the grass instead of looking into Noah’s face.
“Look Noah, uh, I been thinking…”
“Me too, I know that…”
“Let me talk okay?”
There was a sharpness to Dakota’s voice that only made him tremble more. He felt a coldness deep inside his heart as he tried to look at Dakota, but instead Dakota kept looking away. Noah felt panic as he wondered what had happened, wondering why suddenly he felt so alone, so empty inside. All the way here he had felt like nothing could stop him from being with Dakota, with the person he loved. Now it all felt like he was about to have his whole world once more explode in his face. First his parents last night and now Dakota?
“Uh yeah, okay, what is it? I get the idea you aren’t… your dad doesn’t want us to be together, is that it?”
“No, he is okay with it”
“Oh good, man you had me worried”
“Noah it is me, okay? Me. I don’t want to us to be together, okay?”
Noah stood there, silent as his eyes opened wide and he stared at Dakota. The wind seemed to rustle the tree behind him a bit louder or maybe it was the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces, he wasn’t sure which. He shook his head as if maybe he had heard wrong, but looking at Dakota he knew he heard him right. It didn’t make sense as he felt a strange dullness in the pit of his stomach. Where he had felt nothing but joy was now empty of any feeling. The sun was shining but to his eyes it felt like he was suddenly caught in a black hole of space. There was no light or warmth as he stood there, his body trembling as the words banged around inside of him, cutting him into tiny pieces.
“Huh? Dakota… what?”
“I can’t, I just can’t be, I know that it is maybe the worst mistake but I can’t Noah, I just can’t”
“But last night… why? What did I do? You have to tell me, please Dakota…”
“I just don’t want a boyfriend, I thought I did, I am sorry, but…”
“No, no that isn’t it, what is it? Tell me… Christ was I that bad last night, I can learn to be better, give me a chance, please…”
Why couldn’t he just accept what he said? Christ he was such a drama, no, no that was wrong, it wasn’t Noah’s fault for this, it was his and he felt the pain inside. Just like his dad said, he was using excuses to make it easier but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t want to be gay, how could he tell Noah that? How could he tell anyone that who he was wasn’t what he wanted? It wasn’t like anyone could change it for him, not even God if there was one. Maybe that was why he didn’t believe anymore, because all his prayers and wishes had fallen on a deaf ear?
Dakota shivered a little as he glanced up at Noah’s pain riddled face. He could see the tears already rolling down his face and he wanted to just reach out, grab him and hug him and tell him to forget it, that he did want him but he held back, knowing that this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let him go on thinking it would work when inside he knew it couldn’t. His own heart ached as he looked back at the grass, wishing it would just open and swallow him up, knowing too that it wouldn’t.
“No it isn’t that, you were awesome, I just, I just don’t want a boyfriend, I uh, I don’t want to be tied down to one person… that is all”
“But… that isn’t what you said, there has to be something else, please, I don’t want to be a part from you Dakota, God please…”
“It just isn’t what I want.. I thought I did but I don’t, there isn’t any other reason, honest”
The shock was making him shake as he stood there. His whole world was suddenly gone and he didn’t know why. Everything he had hoped for seemed within reach this morning and now it simply didn’t even exist. How could Dakota have changed so much in such a short time? He loved him, he had said so only last night and yet now, now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at him. What had he done? What?
“I don’t believe you”
“It’s the truth Noah, besides, you’ll find someone else, you are cute”
It was like a light had gone off. He stepped back a step in disbelieve. Could it be that he had been wrong about Dakota? He didn’t think so but it was almost as if all he was to Dakota was a fuck. That was impossible but he had read about that, how some guys liked virgins and their tight Asses. Could that be all that Dakota had been wanting, to have his dick in Noah’s virgin ass?
The pain and confusion began to turn to anger as he heard the words echo in his head. How could Dakota say that, didn’t he know that he loved him? Did he really think that all Noah had wanted was to get fucked? Shit how could he do that to him? He had tried and all Dakota could say was that he was cute? Cute?
“Is that all I am to you? Cute?”
“No, but… I am sorry”
“Fuck that… Christ do you know what kind of hell I went through last night? I fought for us, I risked getting thrown out of my home for us, how can you just… how?”
Why couldn’t Noah let it go? It was over, there were plenty of other guys for him to drool over, why did he seem so fixed on it being him? Christ, he had lots of others, none of them made this kind of fuss before, so why did Noah have to? His own anger flashed out as he finally let his eyes meet Noah’s.
“Look, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, don’t blame me for that.”
“Who should I blame? Christ, you make it sound like all I was was some fuck, is that it? Was I just some tight ass that you wanted to fuck?”
“I guess, if that’s what you want to think”
“What else am I supposed to think?”
“Look, at least I am telling you now before it got worse, okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“Yeah I guess we can. Fuck Dakota, I thought you were special, God I only wanted to please you, how can you…”
“It isn’t you Noah, it is me, okay? I know you are pissed but later, well, later maybe you’ll know that this was for the best”
“So you say”
“Yeah”
“FUCK You!”
He turned and ran up the hill, pushing past Dakota’s dad and past his own father who stared at him with his mouth open. He had heard some of what was being said and he didn’t know what to do. His eyes looked at Dakota’s father with a puzzled look and all he could get was a deep sense of sadness. Something had gone on but he didn’t know exactly what. He saw his son rushing past with tears streaming down his face and all he could think of was how much he wished he had never heard of this Dakota or their whole twisted family.
Without a word he turned and followed his son away from the two others. He didn’t know what had happened but inside he felt a bit relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about coming home tomorrow to find out if his son had been beaten up or not. At least for now he wouldn’t have to worry all night if his son would be hurt or if he was using proper precautions when with that boy. He shook his head as he trudged along the manicured grass feeling thankful on the one hand, angry and hurt on the other.
This whole gay stuff was too much to comprehend. Part of him was relieved at the turn of events while an other part was outraged. Didn’t that Dakota boy know what he was missing out on? Didn’t he know how good of a person his son was? Well it was his loss and not Noah’s and he knew that he would have a tough time trying to explain that to Noah. God why was life so damn hard on the kids?
Gary watched Noah and his father leave. His heart felt heavy as he turned from them to stare over at his own son. Part of him felt relief and yet even as he tried to make it seem okay, he knew deep down that what Dakota had done was a mistake, even perhaps wrong. There was no doubt that Dakota was confused and scared but still, Noah had been a bright spot in his life until he had to face reality. Now he had turned that bright spot away, and for what? It was only postponing reality because eventually his son would be found out, didn’t he know that?
“Son…”
“Please dad, not now”
“No, I am sorry, I know you are hurting…”
He just wanted to run, to run and keep on running until his legs gave out. Why did he have to be here, why did he have to go through all this? Wasn’t it bad enough that he just ruined whatever hope he ever had at being happy? Wasn’t it enough that he had hurt the one person who loved him for him? God wasn’t it bad enough to have lost his brother, but now this?
“Dad Please! Not now”
“Dakota, you can’t run from it”
“I can try”
“At what cost son?”
“Any cost”
“Even your soul?”
“I have no soul”
“No?”
“No”
“Then why are you crying?”
He stared up at his father who had slowly made his way down to where he had been standing. He could feel the love in the man’s face and he wished he knew what to do, it felt so hard to be who he was. Why didn’t it feel better now? Why was he crying?
All he wanted was to be happy, to not have to worry about what he said or how it might be taken. He just wanted to run and laugh like anyone else, to feel the love of someone and to love someone. Why did it have to be a guy? Why did he have to be different? Wasn’t it enough for God to have made Montana that way, why did he have to make him that way too? He didn’t want to be gay, he just wanted to have what everyone else had and now he knew that he never would. There would be no walks in the woods, no hugs when he felt sore or hurt, no kisses to help make the day seem brighter and all because he was a coward. All because all he could think of was himself but how could he love Noah if he couldn’t love himself? How could he stand up for Noah and him when he himself didn’t want to be gay?
Gary reached out and gently tilted up his son’s chin, looking him in the eyes and he could see the pain deep within him. He could feel his pain now and it made him tremble as he put his hand on Dakota’s shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his forehead. He let the tall blonde boy fall into his arms and he could feel the sobs as the tears that flowed from his son’s eyes drenched his shirt.
His arms wrapped around the trembling figure and he felt Dakota’s own arms suddenly close around his waist. He felt their strength as they dug deep into his body and held on as if life itself depended it. The deep sobs only told him how much agony his son was in and he looked upwards, wishing he knew what to do. His lips parted slightly as he prayed silently, begging God to give him the strength and wisdom on what to do for his son. He felt his own tears now rolling down his face as he too hung on, knowing that it was no longer in his control.
The Locker – Chapter 10
Chapter 10
Saturday
11:40 p.m.
He could hear his mother in the kitchen as he stared back at his father, seeing something in his eyes but not sure what it was. At first it looked like maybe hate, or anger but then it didn’t feel that way. For a second or two he thought it might even be something like understanding or maybe just wanting to understand. All he knew for certain was that his father had yanked him away from what should have been the best night of his life, the first time when he really felt happy. His own anger was real, he could feel it bubbling away inside churning his stomach.
Nothing really made much sense to him; so many different things were running thru his mind as he sat there, waiting for the shoe to fall. All he knew was that he wouldn’t accept it, that no matter what his parents said he would see Dakota again and they would be together. How he wasn’t sure of, but inside where it mattered he knew it would happen. His face grew sombre as he felt the tension rising, felt his father’s anger or confusion or whatever the hell it was that his dad was feeling reaching for him.
His eyes lifted upwards to stare at the man he called dad. Noah could see the anger flash in the eyes but also he felt the confusion now. It was like his father was waging some inner fight, some war or something and yet he couldn’t quite figure out what it was that had him so pissed. Okay, so his son was gay, why should that matter or make him any less his son? Did who you sleep with really change who a person was? Didn’t his dad understand that who he was right now, this very second, was still the same person he had been this morning?
Okay it maybe was a shock, maybe he should have talked to them about what he was feeling and stuff like that. Trouble was how did you go to your parents and tell them that hey I like guys not girls? Man he could just see the reaction that would have gotten, still maybe he should have thought about it a bit more, tried to find a way to tell them. Noah sat there, his head lowered once more as he tried to figure out why it was so hard for everyone to believe and accept? Would they be this angry with him if they had found out he was having sex with some cheerleader? He kind of doubted they wouldn’t, in fact he kind of thought his dad would be proud, chest out and all while at the same time telling him to be careful, to use condoms but he would be happy inside, so why was this so different?
In some ways Dakota was a catch, hell the guy was hot plus he was an athlete, so why should his father make it seem dirty, seem wrong? It wasn’t like he woke up and said ‘hey I want to do guys now’ or some other shit. He had always felt this way but it wasn’t until just now that he realized exactly what it was he was feeling. Couldn’t his parents understand that or were they so old they couldn’t?
Christ he had to be nuts he thought. What difference did it make what or why, he was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and here he was, sitting moaning about maybe he should have talked to them first or something? Fuck was he already giving in or accepting the blame for this? His heart ached as he sat there, afraid that maybe he wouldn’t be able to talk his way out of this, but then he scolded himself for even thinking like that. He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why did he feel guilty? Why did loving another guy need to be such a secret? If it was some girl, he’d have mouthed off without any trouble, any worry really and they wouldn’t have been shocked, wouldn’t have been pissed or angry or anything, so was it wrong? Was he really doing something unnatural as some of those on the news said?
“Noah?”
“What?”
“I am waiting for an answer son”
“Oh… “
“That’s it?”
“I guess”
Nathan stared at his son’s face, seeing the resentment in his eyes. He could even feel the animosity, something he never expected to feel coming form his own flesh and blood, not from his Noah. There was something very different about Noah, something that made him pause, made his heart slow its wild angry beat as he tried to figure it all out. It just didn’t make any sense to him, how a perfectly normal teenage boy could suddenly be queer?
“Look, being insolent isn’t going to help you, now I asked you a civil question young man and I expect a proper answer”
Somehow he never quite expected this moment to be like this. For starters he figured his mother would be in tears and his father would be shouting and waving his fists in the air like a madman. None of that was happening so far which made him uneasy. It wasn’t going like all the stuff said it would, the books and articles he had managed to find. There was no temper tantrums though his father’s face certainly looked it would burst at times. It was all rather calm considering which only made his heart quicken its beat more. The shoe had to fall, there was no way that his dad would take this calmly or quietly. For the first time he grew frightened, wondering what he would do if they tossed him out, wondering where he would go or where he could go.
The idea that he might suddenly be out on the street only got his anger hotter. Why couldn’t they just accept who he was? What difference was it to them anyways, they had their lives and all he wanted was his. Why should they feel they could tell him who he cared for and who he didn’t? Couldn’t they see he was the same Noah, the same son he always was? Did being gay and them knowing suddenly change that? His anger was boiling as his eyes narrowed. He stared at his father’s demanding face as he spoke in a short clipped voice.
“Fine, Yes I am angry, yes I am mad, what did you expect? You think I am still some 2 year old or something. I am not. I am not going to stop seeing him either”
“No one… damn it Noah, why are you making this so hard?”
“ME? What about you and Mom? Yanking me away like I was some 5 year old who dropped his pants, I am 16, I know what sex is”
“Do you? I doubt that, and we didn’t yank you, we have… we needed to, I mean…”
He had never seen his father this confused before. It was seeing a whole new person right in front of him but he didn’t look any different. He still had that same face, the same piercing eyes, the same way of standing when he was angry, yet he looked and sounded so different. It felt strange to him, to realize that something he did had caused this change. For a minute or two he felt sorry for his father then the image of being ordered into the car flashed before him. The anger rose up as he glared even harder. His hands clenched at his side as he spoke, recalling the humiliation he had endured at this man’s hands only a short time earlier.
“Yes? You needed what? To find out if your precious son is a fag? Well HE IS! So now what? Lock me in my room? Send for a shrink? What?”
“With that attitude you just may spend some time alone in your room…”
“Fine, I’ll go now then, at least there I won’t have to listen to any of this”
“You SIT DOWN! NOW!”
“WHY?”
The insolence was too much for him. Something inside snapped as his face grew hot and his hands balled up into fists. His anger was boiling over as he glared back at the defiant stare of his son. Didn’t the kid realize who was the parent here? Didn’t he realize that he was the transgressor? They had been to lenient with him, that was the problem. They should have disciplined him more when he was younger, this was the thanks you got for trying to be a caring parent, insolence. His voice snapped as he raised his voice, hearing its loud shrill tone echo across the room.
“I AM STILL YOUR FATHER… NOW SIT!”
“Fine, but it isn’t going to do any good, you can’t change how I feel, no more than you can change who I am.”
“I don’t… who said anything about changing you? Damn, where do you get all this? Did that… that boy tell you all this? Did he?”
“His name is Dakota”
“Fine, whatever, did Dakota tell you all this?”
“NO, he didn’t tell me anything, I came up with this all on my own”
“How? You can’t know, I mean… shit…”
“Nathan!”
His wife’s voice startled him as he turned to stare at her. She stood there, her eyes wide open in shock at the scene before her. He could feel her fear too as she looked at him, almost pleading with him to make this all go away, but how? He wished it would to, wished with all his heart that she hadn’t heard Noah earlier, wished she hadn’t gone and talked to the boy’s mother. Trouble was, she had and now he had to deal with it. He couldn’t just ignore it not if he truly loved his son.
“What? I am sorry, but he’s only 16, how can he know?”
“I don’t know, but can’t we just all sit down and discuss this rationally? I mean, we are supposed to be a family…”
“I am sorry, you are right, Noah, look, son, let us just, discuss this like your mother says, okay?”
“Fine, but… fine”
The silence was deafening to her as she watched the rigid stance of her husband and the angry stares of her son. How could their loving family suddenly be torn apart like this? What was it about a boy’s thinking he was gay that could turn loving father and son into enemies? It was only last weekend when the two of them had surprised her and squirted her with the garden hose, laughing and giggling like schoolgirls and now look at them? Could Noah thinking he was gay cause all this in such a short time? If it did, then they had to put a stop to it, she couldn’t live like this.
“Noah, your father and I, we are just trying to look out for your best interests, all this, this talk of uh, of…”
“Being queer?”
He had been about to sit down when his son had said that word. For the life of him he didn’t know why but the sound of that word infuriated him. It was like a red flag or something as he spoke up harshly, commanding the respect that his son should have been showing them both automatically. Hell his own father would have knocked his block off if he had dared talk to him like this. Didn’t Noah realize how lucky he was to have parents who didn’t believe in such things? Couldn’t he see that they cared? Was he that blind or that hoodwinked by some fancy talking horny teenager?
“Noah knock it off, how are we supposed to know what words to use? This is new to us, we never, I never, I mean…”
“Never thought your own son would turn out to be a fag? That’s what you mean isn’t it”
“DAMN IT YES! Okay? Happy now?”
“Nathan…”
“I am sorry dear, but he wants to provoke me, I don’t know, what is it Noah, this what your, your friend suggested? Attack the people you love? Is that it?”
Love? Is that what they called this treatment? Dakota loved him; at least he didn’t force him to do things he didn’t want to. Why couldn’t they see that he wasn’t bad, they didn’t even know him and yet they were judging him. It wasn’t fair and Dakota wasn’t here to defend himself. Noah could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing up as his father’s words struck home. His anger grew hotter as he glared and yelled back.
“NO! Stop making it out like he is some creep, he cares for me, more than you seem to”
It felt like someone had struck a knife into her chest. The anger was so real, so harsh and it didn’t make sense. Why did he suddenly feel like they were against him? Her mind couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to her sweet baby boy and then she glanced at her husband, saw the exact same anger on his face too and she grew frightened. She couldn’t explain it but she felt like her whole world had suddenly exploded in her face. This wasn’t how she imagined it would be as she tried once more to bring peace to the room.
“Noah! How can you say that about your father and me? We raised you, we have always cared for you, maybe you are just too confused right now”
“NO, I am not!”
“Son, you are only 16, how can you know if you are… if you are gay?”
“I just do! Tell me something, would we even be having this talk if Dakota was a girl?”
“Well… no, we wouldn’t, doesn’t that tell you something son?”
“Yeah, tells me that there are two standards, one for all normal types, another for us fags”
It seemed like his son wanted to push the buttons, wanted to anger him and he knew he shouldn’t argue, shouldn’t yell back but he couldn’t help himself. Every part of his body was on edge and the pain in his chest was growing too as he looked into the angry face of his son. How dare he, he thought as his mind tried to make sense, tried to figure out why his son was acting this way. At the same time he couldn’t explain why the harsh angry words struck such a discord inside either. Why should the words queer or fag upset him so much? Could he really believe deep down that Noah was gay and so those words offended him because they most certainly offended his son? Was he that willing to accept Noah being that?
“STOP That! Damn it Noah I don’t want to hear that talk, we are trying, the least you can do is try as well”
“Trying? Trying to what Dad? To convince me to change?”
“Well, I suppose… no, I don’t know, maybe to help your mother and me understand, to uh…”
“I can’t change who I am dad. I am gay, okay? That is who I am”
“Noah dear, how can you know that? You haven’t gone on any dates, I mean, maybe you just think you are because, well because you are shy, and maybe…”
It felt strange to be sitting here and seeing their faces, listening to them as they tried to figure out why he was gay. When did he know he was gay? Was it last week or was it years ago? How could he explain to them when he didn’t know himself? It wasn’t like he woke up one day knowing he was this way but that was what they wanted to hear, hell it was what he’d like to hear as well. Trouble was, he just didn’t know when it happened. All he knew for certain was that he was gay, that girls did nothing for him and boys did. Could it really be that simple and if so, how the hell was he going to explain that to them?
“Come on mom, you know that isn’t true, I just don’t like girls, why is it so hard for you both to accept that?”
“For starters son, because this is the first we have heard of it, why didn’t you come to us before this? Why did your mother have to find out by… I mean did you expect us to find out and just say nothing?”
“No, I guess not, but…”
“But what son? We are your parents, haven’t we always told you that you could come to us with anything? Haven’t we always tried to listen, aren’t we now?”
“Sure, after you dragged me away, you could have waited till I got home tomorrow, you didn’t have to come and embarrass me like you did”
“Embarrass you? Christ… how do you think I felt? Coming home and hearing you are out with some guy, that you were planning to have sex? How do you think I felt?”
“So what, you are saying if I had told you about Dakota and me, you would have let me go?”
“Hell No! oh shit, I don’t know… maybe but no, probably not”
She saw the sudden tensing of Noah’s body and grew alarmed. All this talk about being gay was unnerving to her and as much as she had tried to understand it, she just couldn’t grasp it. How could her son be gay? Her husband was all man, even now after so many years of marriage he still could make her weak at the knees, so how could Noah be gay? It sure as hell didn’t come from her or Nate, so from where did he pick this up?
Her eyes were brimming with tears as she tried to play peacemaker once again. It wasn’t easy either as she realized that in some way she just wanted to send Noah to his room and lock the door until he came to his senses. Another part of her wanted to shake him and make him see sense. It was all to confusing but this was her family, her husband and her son so she sighed and leaned forward, desperate to ease the tension between her two men.
“Noah, what your father is trying to say is that, well, we would have wanted to discuss this with you more, and that, well, maybe for now we would have preferred you not to go, right Nathan?”
“No Rachel, it isn’t like that, I don’t get this, Noah you never, how can you be that way? You played sports, okay so you weren’t good at it, still you played it, you watch the Monday night game with me, how can you be gay?”
“Gee I don’t know Dad, didn’t know being gay meant I couldn’t enjoy football or sports, sorry”
Just for a brief instant he wanted to reach out and slap the smug insolent look off his son’s face. That thought scared him more than the idea of Noah being gay did and he shivered a little, feeling the fear inside growing. How could he even think of striking his boy? Was he that sick inside, that angry that he could dare to think of something like that? It frightened him to the point that he leaned back in the chair, his hands digging hard into the arms of the chair, a desperate effort to keep them still.
“That isn’t what I meant, why are you twisting everything Noah? This is hard enough son, please…”
“Me twist everything? What about you and Mom? You think because I like football I can’t be gay? What, you figure gays only like what, knitting and cooking, playing with Barbie dolls or something?”
She had seen Nate’s sudden move backwards and it made her heart skip a beat or two. She suddenly saw stark fear in his face and it made her blink as she wondered what it was he had been thinking. She followed his eyes towards her son’s face and it dawned on her how serious this was. Her own anger suddenly flared up as she fought for the same control her husband had fought for.
“Noah, settle down, your father is trying to understand, so am I and quite frankly, I really don’t know what it is gays like, I never, I never thought about it I guess”
“Either have I mom, all I know is I am gay, I really don’t like girls, I know that you don’t believe me, I am sorry, maybe I should have told you all this sooner, but how? Walk up to you one night and say hey mom and dad I am gay, see you later?”
“No of course not, and I guess it has to be hard to say that, but how do you know Noah? You are only 16, like your mother said, you are shy, maybe you are just mistaking that awkwardness around girls for being, well for being gay”
“Dad it isn’t like that, I don’t… I mean…”
“Go on, what? Tell us?”
“I can’t, I mean, this isn’t… it isn’t the way you think”
At last something he thought as he hunched forward, seeing the sudden easing of his son’s shoulders. He looked like his son now, no more hatred burning in his eyes or was that merely wishful thinking? Nathan peered closer and realized that maybe it wasn’t hatred he had been seeing but fear? Could his son be so afraid of him that he was acting out? Could he be so frightened that they wouldn’t understand him that he was pushing out of fear? It made him pause, weighing his words when his wife broke the silence, her own tearful voice cutting into his heart.
“Noah we are your parents, you can tell us, how do you know? Please, your father and I, we are here for you, can’t you see that?”
“I suppose, it is just… it isn’t what you think…”
“Then enlighten us, you have the floor, tell us, why are you certain you are gay?”
“Okay… cause I … do I have to? Dad… not with mom, hell… sorry, but…”
“Just spit it out, go on”
“Fine, cause I know, I mean, I have tried, honest, I didn’t want to be this way, I can’t help it…”
“Noah, you aren’t…”
“I am trying to, you ever talk to your dad and mom about sex? Was it easy?”
“No, it wasn’t, but my father did talk to me about things, it wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he did…”
“Yeah well think how it would be if you were me? If it was hard for you and him to talk about what everyone says is normal, well…”
“Okay so it is harder, shoot me, I didn’t make up the rules of society, I am trying to understand.”
“I know okay?
The silence seemed to thunder in his ears as he stared first at his father and then his mother. He could feel their eyes peering at him, almost desperate really in their desire to understand. It kind of felt good but it still terrified him as he looked down at his feet. How do you say these things to your parents he wondered and then he heard Dakota’s voice in his ears. He could hear him telling him how he had been afraid of his dad, how after
Noah stared up at his father from under his lowered head and he could see it now, see that his father was frightened just like he was. In some odd way it gave him a sense of courage as he tried to form the words. His body shivered as he glanced back to his feet, feeling the fear inside. It felt like this was becoming the worst day of his life instead of it being the best but he knew he had no choices left. He wanted Dakota, wanted to smell him now and to touch him and he couldn’t do that unless he convinced them. With that he found his voice.
“I feel different inside, when I see a girl or a guy I feel different, guys do things, I uh, I have never felt that way about girls, I have tried, honest… I have”
Panic tore at his heart as he heard the words, not understanding them for what they were. All he could think of was the hideous news reports about this molester and that one. His anger rose up too as he wanted to kill in that instant, not his son but the vile creature who had touched his son. His voice rose two octaves as he leaned forward in the chair, ready to pounce as he had to know, had to find out who.
“Guys do things to you? What guys? Are you saying that…”
Noah saw the wild look in his father’s face and for a moment he didn’t understand it. He turned towards his mother and saw the exact same look on her face and then it dawned on him. His heart raced a little and for some weird reason he felt a strange warmth deep inside of him, knowing that despite all that was going on, his parents still did love him, they just didn’t understand him.
“No, no not that, I mean inside, when I see a guy on television or such, like how you get when you see those movie stars, that one you like, what’s her name? Zeta Jones or something?”
“Well she is an attractive lady, but…”
“For you she is, not to me, to me she is just a she, for me it is the kid who plays Ephraim on Everwood or the guy who plays the cop on 7th Heaven… don’t you see? The girls, they don’t do it for me like they do for you, it is the guys, that’s how I know, I mean they, they uh, they are what I think of, when, well, you know… when… it is how I always knew I guess, it was how I thought I knew I was different, well how I used to think I knew”
“Used to? I don’t…”
“Yes”
He couldn’t believe his ears. This couldn’t really be happening to him and his family. It all had to be some cruel joke or something but as he stared at his son’s face he knew instantly it was real. His heart twisted and turned as he tried to comprehend the cryptic words. Nathan’s body shook as his mind tried to fathom it all, to make sense out of something that made no sense. He had never for a second thought that Noah was gay or even thinking about such things. How could he have not seen all this? How could he have missed the signs?
“Are you, I mean, you and this Dakota, you two uh, you uh”
“Yes”
She finally realized what her son had said and his soft quiet answer only shook her more. Her hands flew to her face as he felt the stinging tears running down her face. How could this have happened so quickly? She thought they had gotten there in time, that the sounds she had heard hadn’t been from… God she couldn’t even say the words to herself as she cried out in stunned amazement.
“My God!”
“Don’t you know the risks? His brother died from AIDS for Christ Sake, how could you and he… how could you even…”
For a brief moment he thought they understood him, but looking at their faces now only made him feel more miserable than before. He felt so alone, so afraid and yet even as his father’s shocked voice shook out in the room, he felt the anger inside. They were always so quick to say they would understand but look at them he thought? Now all they wanted to do was blame Dakota, to make it all someone else’s fault.
Noah wasn’t sure which way to turn now. His mother was crying and his father looked so white that he thought he might pass out, only adding to his misery. Why couldn’t they just accept him for what he was? Why was it such a big deal to them? Least they were trying, he had to admit that which only confused him more. On one hand they seemed willing to listen, then when he tried to tell them they seemed ready to explode. He sighed as he tried one more time to explain it, to make them see it his way.
“It was my decision, not his… I wanted to, I still do, it is all I can think of even now, don’t you see Dad? I am gay, nothing you or mom can say is gonna change that, whether you understand it or not, it is who I am, and right now, he is who I want to be with, just like you and mom are… how can that be wrong?”
“How? My God I’ll tell you how, you are confused, my God Noah you are just a child, you can’t know about these things, you are too young, there are a lot of things at stake here, for starters there is the health risk, but put that aside, my God what do you think all your friends are going to say or do when they find out?”
“I won’t tell them”
How simple kids looked at life he thought as the thoughts raced thru his mind. He could see it all happening as if he was there and it terrified him. He could lose his boy, didn’t Noah see that? This wasn’t some joke, some game, these kids would haunt him until he left school, they left, or worse, something bad happened for which there would be no coming back from. God couldn’t he see that?
“You can’t hide it from them, that kind of secret, they’ll find out, what then?”
“Then I guess you’ll get your monies worth from all that extra health insurance!”
In her mind’s eye Noah was still her baby, still her sweet little boy. When had he grown up and why hadn’t she seen it happening? Looking at him now, she saw the firm set of his jaw, the spark deep in his eyes when he spoke about Dakota and yes, even the insolence that flared every few minutes. He had grown up, no longer her little baby. Still, she couldn’t help but think of him that way, wishing he still was even. The sadness inside grew as she also realized that this was just one of many possible problems that would now confront her and Nathan. Noah’s smart mouth was something she had never seen before and it angered her. Couldn’t he accept that they were the adults and he the child? Didn’t he know that they only wanted what was best for him?
“Noah! That isn’t called for.”
“Why? I know what dad is really saying, it isn’t about my friends, he knows I don’t have that many friends, what he means is what will his friends and yours say, what will the neighbours say, right dad?”
“That isn’t true, tell him Nathan”
Just for a second, one tiny second he felt a strange sense of pride in the boy. All this gay stuff had at least done something positive, it had given Noah a new sense of courage that he could see in his face, hear in his voice. Funny how these things worked out and as he stared at his son, he realized that it was time to stop thinking of him as just a boy. If what he had implied was true, Noah was becoming a man a lot faster than they wanted but a man is what he was starting to become.
His own instincts wanted to reach out and hold him, to slap him on the back even but his mind was still reeling from the consequences that Noah didn’t seem to appreciate. If he lied to him, made out like how their own circle might react he knew in his gut it wouldn’t help. There was no choice but to be as honest with him as he was trying to be with them. Nate knew that his wife might not like it, but what choice did they have?
“No, he is right, partly, yes I do worry about what they will say, you are too young to understand, but it matters, what I do out there is what pays the bills for you young man, and this, this can effect on how I do that job or how others will let me do it, so yes, I worry what they will say, but I worry more about what your school mates will say and do, I don’t want to see you get hurt, and if they find out and they will Noah, you can bet on that, then you will get hurt and I can’t stop it, don’t you see that? I would give my right arm to keep you safe, but when you go and do something so stupid as this… of course it makes me mad, angry, what did you expect?”
“Nathan how can you say that?”
“Rachel it is the truth, would you have me lie to him?”
“No but, you don’t have to be so harsh”
“I don’t mean to be, Rachel you don’t fully understand how serious this is, not just for him, but for us too. Did you stop and think about that Noah? Did you stop for one second and think about how this would effect your mother and me?”
It wasn’t that his dad looked angry, if anything it was like he was actually scared which was something he never thought his father could be. Weird to see that in his face, how his eyes would move to his mother and then to him and each time they looked so pained, so afraid. It made his own heart ache a bit as he wondered if maybe there was something to what his dad was saying.
“No, not really, but it isn’t about you or mom…”
“But it is son, you have no idea how cruel people get, they might not just be satisfied with painting your locker this time around, they might target your mother when she goes shopping, this house at night when we are sleeping, it isn’t just you Noah, it is all of us, and not just us either, what about Dakota? Do you think they will leave him out of this or his family? He and his sister have to go to that school too, did you think about that?”
“Of course I did, but… I mean they wouldn’t do anything to you or mom, or the house, okay they might do more to me, I know that I guess, but maybe they won’t and besides, if they don’t know they won’t”
Neither of them seemed to grasp how serious this was. His own mind was having trouble fathoming it but as the man of the house it was his responsibility to make them understand. Noah was young, he lived in a world where youth was supreme and trouble always came to someone else, never to them. Trouble was that just wasn’t true. Trouble came to everyone and he could already see some of his neighbours faces if they ever found out, he could see his house covered in graffiti at best.
Looking at his son and then his wife he knew they didn’t see it. He knew that each time she went shopping to the mall she would run the risk of some wise ass, run the danger of being taunted to the point where she would not want to leave the house. And that was a best-case scenario too. He could just see some of those kids that hung out at the mall, how they would think nothing of jostling her as she walked by or even of damaging the car. No, they just didn’t understand how dangerous this was.
“They will know, you can’t hide it, my God Noah they already suspect you from just you being in that stupid play last year, do you really think they won’t guess more?”
God he wished that Dakota were here. He had at least gone thru this; he would know what to say. Thinking of him helped some and also hurt too. Why hadn’t Dakota tried to hold him back, why had he let his father take him from him? Was he that scared of the things that his father was telling him? Noah didn’t believe all the horror stuff, least he thought he didn’t.
Looking at his father’s face though, he could see that he wasn’t making it up; it was really how he felt. Somehow he just couldn’t see any of the kids he knew attacking his mom shopping or coming to the house and doing stuff to it. They might tease him at school or even at the mall, but that would be it, wouldn’t it?
Everything was happening too fast for him to fully grasp it all. His head ached from all the thinking and his body ached too, from thinking that it might never again know the joy of being touched by Dakota. His emotions were all jumbled because his parents had never told him to quit before. They always wanted him to try harder and to never give up, yet right now it seemed like that was exactly what they were saying. It was all so confusing to him as he sat there, his head bowed and his heart aching.
Christ when he had found out that he had to wear a dress last year, his father hadn’t told him to quit, but instead told him to suck it up and not let the idiots stop him from doing what he liked, from being a part of the drama club. Strange, back then when his father thought he was normal he pushed him to go on, now here he was trying to get him to hide who he was? It just didn’t make sense, why should he hide now? What had changed that made this less worthy of fighting for?
“So what? I am supposed to just cave in, just ignore how I feel?”
“No, but are you sure it is real? Maybe you are mistaking this boy’s lifestyle as your own, maybe it isn’t anything more than simple experimentation, because you are maybe more, oh hell I don’t know, maybe because he is a boy, maybe you just feel more comfortable around him so when the idea of sex came up, well…”
“Do you really think I just woke up and decided to be this way? Do you know how many nights I would lay awake and try to make girls excite me, try to make them my dreams? I can’t tell you how many times I bit my lip cursing these thoughts, how many times I would shower hoping to wash them away even.”
It was like a hot dagger slicing his heart into tiny pieces of raw meat as the pain in his chest only grew with each tortured word that his son spoke. His eyes filled with tears as he realized the pain his son must have been enduring all this time and he, the father, the man who was supposed to be looking out for his boy hadn’t a clue. Nathan sat there feeling like a total failure.
How could he have not seen his own boy’s pain? Couldn’t he have noticed and then said something? His eyes were misted as he realized that there was so much he didn’t know about Noah, so much that he had missed which only made his heart ache even more. Nathan had always thought he was a good father, a responsible parent and yet in the greatest time of need he had failed his son. The ache inside grew as he felt his failure.
“I didn’t’ know, how could either of us have known? You never told us or even gave us a hint of how you were feeling.”
“How could I? It isn’t like there is some manual out there telling you how to tell your parents you are gay, hell most of what is out there only makes you want to not tell them. There is no one I could have talked to, if I went to the Pastor he would tell me I am some godless evil person, if I told Rusty or some of the kids, well we know how that would have gone over, so what was I supposed to do? Who could I talk to? Couldn’t go the neighbours could I? Who could I ask?”
“Well you seemed to have found someone”
“Yeah and he thinks we should not see each other too, because he doesn’t want me hurt either, everyone is so worried about me getting hurt, well if I can’t see him, that will hurt a lot more than anything anyone can do to me, I am gay, I can’t help it, why should I have to deny that? Just so your boss or the guys at the office won’t mess with you? Why?”
“It isn’t that simple, it can effect promotions, how much I earn to pay those insurance premiums you talk about, to pay for this house, those clothes you are wearing… so it is a big deal”
“Then screw them, find another way, Mr Northwood did”
“It was different for him, I don’t want that to happen to your mother, or to me, because… because if it does… it means you will have died like their son, I don’t want that”
“What difference does it make? I might as well be dead if I can’t be who I am, if I can’t be with Dakota”
“Stop that, you know that isn’t true, you will get over him, he’s just a crush, a schoolboy crush is all…”
The words felt like a match to dry paper. His whole body grew rigid as he glared at his father’s face, ignoring the pain etched across it. All he could think about was how unfair they were being. The way he felt about Dakota wasn’t like a crush, it was something more but they were too blind to see it. It was his fault maybe; he just didn’t know how to explain it so even they could understand. Panic set in as he felt that he was losing, that what he felt for Dakota would be taken from him.
“NO HE ISN’T!”
“Noah sit down! Look son, maybe you think you are in love, but…”
“But what? You don’t think two guys can love each other like a guy and girl can? Well they can! I love him, I DO!”
To be honest he felt out of his depth. How could any two guys feel for each other what normal people felt? It wasn’t natural so how could it be the same? Noah was only 16, how could he know what real love felt? He sighed a little knowing that he was dealing with teenage hormones and romantic notions that simply were fantasies. How could Noah feel for this Dakota like he thought? Christ from what Rachel had told him they only met last Monday.
“Noah you are 16 God Damn It, you can’t love anyone, girl or guy”
“Why not? You always talk about how you knew Mom was the only girl for you when you were in Junior High, you went steady since you were 15 and got married in college, so why can’t I know? Why can’t it be for me like it was for you?”
“BECAUSE HE IS A HE! That is why, it was different for us, your mother, well… she…”
“She was a she?”
“Yes, yes that is right, it is different”
“No it isn’t dad, it is the same, you just think because Dakota is a guy he can’t feel for me what I feel for him, that what we feel for each other isn’t the same as what you and mom felt, that’s the real reason, hasn’t a thing to do with age or anything, just prejudice”
“Okay, maybe it is, maybe you are right, but you are too young Noah, my God son, do you realize what you are facing if we let this continue?”
“You can’t stop me, no one can”
“Yes, we can Noah, if I have to move us to
“Nathan, I am not moving to
“Oh for Christ’s sake Rachel, we aren’t moving, but I’ll be damned if some son of mine is going to tell me what he will or won’t do, as long as he lives under this roof, he will abide by our rules, and that Noah is how it is”
There it was, just like all the stories had said it would be. The threat, the final solution for parents who thought they could change what is. How could they feel this way? Noah looked at his father’s face and then his mother’s. He could see the tears rolling down her cheeks and the red growing around her eyes. There was fear in those eyes too and yet he wasn’t sure if it was for him maybe being forced out or just out of having to deal with all this. That was the trouble, he wasn’t sure and yet in his heart he felt he was. He felt that he couldn’t live without Dakota but more than that, he didn’t think he could go on pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Couldn’t they understand that? Why did they feel he had to be the way they wanted him to be, hell it wasn’t really like he had wanted to be gay, it just was that he was.
“So what, I become a good straight little boy or I get the boot?”
She was frightened and could feel her legs trembling as both Noah and Nathan seemed bent of tearing each other apart. The words maybe were a bit harsh but they were both agitated, both upset. Nathan couldn’t mean it, couldn’t let their boy leave, not like this. Sure he would eventually leave, but she always believed it would be to college and then to be with some girl, not like this. Where did she go wrong? What did she do to have missed all this? Her heart ached and the pain felt like it would suffocate her as she tried once more.
“Now Noah your father didn’t mean it that way, did you Nate?”
“Of course not, least not how he said it, look son… I know this is hard for you, it is for both of us too, we just, we just need to know that, well, that this isn’t just a mistake, that you aren’t just jumping at something because you think it is how you are, I don’t know…”
“You don’t get it do you?”
“I guess not”
“I am gay, it isn’t any use pretending it will go away or that it is some childish phase, it doesn’t work that way”
“And this you know how?”
“Same way you knew you were straight, you just know”
Looking at Noah now, he realized that all of his arguments were just words. He could see it in the boy’s face as he spoke about this Dakota, about how he really felt. Noah was right, you couldn’t explain why you felt a certain way but you knew it, deep down you could tell how you felt. It didn’t make sense and as much as he wished it would be different, wished that Noah were mistaken, the way he looked told him otherwise. His son was gay and nothing he could say or do would change that.
Realizing that Noah was gay didn’t ease the fear inside though. Both boys were so young, so vulnerable and someone had to tell them that, had to show them what lay in store for them if they exposed themselves openly. Couldn’t Noah see that? Surely anything he was feeling now couldn’t be half as bad as going through life being teased, whispered about, or worse, threatened?
“Okay, maybe you are, have you thought this through son? Not for us, for you? What about this uh, this Dakota, have you thought about how this could hurt him?”
“I haven’t thought of anything else really, but what can I do? I don’t even know if he will still want me, not after tonight”
In some ways it was like listening to himself years earlier. He looked hard at Noah, seeing the pain deep down in his soul and knowing that pain as if it was his own. Hell it had been his own when he too had doubts, had worried if he was worthy enough for someone except in his case it was for a woman. He at least had friends he could talk to about it, confide in and help him see the truth but as he sat here he realized his son had no one.
Nathan’s heart reached out for his son’s, wanting to hold him and cradle him in his arms but he didn’t move. His eyes looked deeply into Noah’s, feeling the doubts that rested there and all he could do was try to make him understand something for which there really were no words. How do you tell someone that the other person doesn’t always return what you feel deep inside? How do you explain to your own son that what he feels for this Dakota may not be what Dakota feels for him, or worse, that this Dakota isn’t as strong as Noah? What do you do, what do you say?
“Noah, look at me son, look at me… I can’t begin to understand all this, I am sorry son, I don’t, but if what you say is right, if you and this, this Dakota do really have these feelings then what happened tonight won’t change them, and if it does, then son, as much as it may hurt you to admit it, but if tonight changes how he feels for you, then it wasn’t as you thought, I am sorry, but I think you know that too.”
“It is real, I know that Dad, but you don’t get it, there is so much against us, it is hard to know what to do, he is afraid, so am I really, but it just, I mean… it just feels right being with him, how can that be so wrong?”
“I don’t know, maybe it isn’t wrong, maybe it is just that people have been conditioned to think it is, either way you aren’t going to change them, least not those who don’t want to change.”
“Which are you dad?”
“Noah, your father is trying to…”
“It’s okay Rachel, he has a right to ask, and to be honest Noah I don’t know which I am. Part of me wants to shake you until you come to your senses, another part says you are my son and I love you, then there is the part that just plain is scared, for you, for your mother, and yes for myself too and even for your friend. I know you don’t believe that, but it is the honest to God truth. As to which am I? I am here listening aren’t I? That should be your answer, it’s about the only one I can give you for now”
“You aren’t going to throw me out of the house?”
“Throw you out? Have I said that? Of course we aren’t, Noah I get mad, but you are my son, which can never change. Yes I am not happy about this, for a while back there I didn’t like you even, but it didn’t make me stop loving you, that can’t ever change, not if it is real and son, you may not believe it right now, but it is very real, very.”
“And Dakota?”
“I don’t know Noah, there are a lot of issues for your mother and I to discuss, and you too.”
He couldn’t figure it out. The way his father spoke at times he was certain that he was never going to spend another night in his own bed or live in this house again and then there were times like right now. It felt like his father would cry even and several times he had seen tears welling but so far his dad had kept them back. It just didn’t make sense, if his father did accept who he was then why couldn’t he let him see Dakota? Why did there always have to be some conditions set or more talking? He wasn’t going to change how he felt about Dakota, surely they both knew that?
“I won’t stop seeing him Dad, I won’t”
“Then we may have a problem Noah, look, I can’t stop you, I think we both know that, I can make it tough though, and if that is what we decide, well… it is what we will do. This isn’t about you being gay either, not totally, I mean, I don’t really like the idea of you having sex, and I don’t care who it is with, whether it is this Dakota or some girl even, I think at your age you are too young.”
“Did you wait? You were dating mom since you were both 15, did you wait till you were married?”
“What happened between your mother and I isn’t the issue here, this is about you and this boy Dakota.”
“No Nate, It is important, he should know.”
“I don’t see how it makes any difference Rachel, things were different then, we were different…”
“Maybe, in some ways it was easier then, other ways it wasn’t Nate, he needs to know.”
“Fine if that is how you feel”
She gave her husband a weak smile as she turned to face her baby boy. She couldn’t help it but think of him that way even with all this happening. Strange how a mother always thought like that while the men couldn’t wait for the boy to grow up and instead of being a son become a buddy. She had watched the way Nathan had always made it a point to do something each weekend with Noah, knowing that he took pride in each upward move that Noah made. How proud he had been when Noah went from crawling to walking to running. The same pride showed when Noah got his first bike and then when the training wheels came off. Now here he was, taking another step forward only this step was a lot bigger and tougher. Would Nate still feel that pride this time?
“No Noah we didn’t wait, maybe we should have, and at the beginning we did, but no, we didn’t wait till we got married, but we weren’t 16 either, we held out till we were 18”
“Rachel… well, you held out, you are right Noah, I didn’t want to wait, your mother made me though, she wanted to be sure I was the right person, and since then, since before then really, there hasn’t been anyone else for me, but I don’t think you and this uh, this Dakota…”
“Why? Because he’s a guy?”
“Yes I guess, I mean, I don’t know, do two guys love the same way a man loves a woman? I don’t know, do you?”
“No, I guess not really, but it feels like it, least I think it does”
“Think you do? You have to be certain, more certain than your mother and I ever were, my God Noah I read the papers, I watch the television news, I know the risks you and this boy take each time you uh, you uh…”
“Have sex?”
“Yes… have sex. Jesus Noah his brother died from that disease, how can you be certain he isn’t infected, that he won’t infect you?”
“I don’t, he gets tested though, and is clean, I suppose I’ll have to start that too, but it doesn’t matter, I just want to be with him Dad”
“And that is supposed to make it all okay? You want to, that is it?”
“Wasn’t it that way for you and mom?”
“That isn’t the same thing, can’t you see that?”
“All I see is that you don’t want me to be with Dakota, if he was Darlene or something I don’t think you’d be saying all this, would you?”
The room grew silent as his son stared at him. Nathan could feel the eyes boring down on him and he could also feel that Noah believed he already had the answer. Funny, he could fell his wife’s presence too as if she too knew what his answer would be, but they were both wrong. This wasn’t about Noah being gay or not, not when it came to sex and the risks involved.
He had used the same arguments with her that Noah was using now. For almost 3 years he had tried to get her to see it his way but she had refused. Partly from fear of becoming pregnant but mainly from the fear of what her parents would say and do if they ever found out. At least Noah no longer had that to deal with, both sets of parents obviously knew, but that wasn’t what worried him.
The world had changed over the years. Life wasn’t as simple or as black and white as it used to be. There were a lot more disease out there that could ruin a person’s life or worse, end it. How could any parent today be accepting of their child having sex? All the risks out there were too much but even as he could tell what his son felt, he knew in his own heart that he would be just as upset if Dakota was a Darlene.
“Yes I would, surprisingly I would Noah, because maybe the risk for AIDS is less with a ‘Darlene’ than a ‘Dakota’ but there are other risks, such as STD’s, such as pregnancy, which are just as serious, so yes Noah, we would still be having this conversation”
“It’s my choice to make, mine and Dakota’s”
“In the end, yes it is Noah, like I said, there is no way we can stop you from being with him, all we can do is put as many obstacles in your way that we can”
“Will you?”
He wanted to say yes and to end this and yet he also wanted to say no. There was so much at stake here that he didn’t know which way to turn. There was no parent handbook he could do and for a second he knew exactly how his son must have felt all that time, wondering how to tell them. It only made him sadder to realize that his son had gone through such pain but that was then, this was now. How could he just let him do what he wanted? How could he not let him?
“I don’t know, I just do not know, how can I? I don’t know him, and all this gay stuff, it is all very confusing to me”
“So what am I supposed to do? Sit around while you try to figure it out? Cause if you think that is what I’ll do, you are wrong. I am going to see him, tomorrow or the next day or the day after, whenever I can…”
She couldn’t understand his defiance? Didn’t he realize that they were his parents, that they knew so much more than he did about life and all of its complications? Why couldn’t he just accept that and let them do what was best for them all?
“And if your father and I say no? Are you prepared for that Noah?”
In a way he had been expecting this but hearing it come from her shook him a little. His face grew even more sombre as he looked over at her, wondering if she could do what was left unsaid? Could he really fight them on this if they made it plain and simple, do what they said or leave? The fear was there, he could almost taste it in the back of his mouth and then he felt the strange warmth inside, that same warmth he felt when he and Dakota had been together. Suddenly there was no question in his mind about if he could or would he because the answer was in his heart.
“If I have to be, yes I am”
“You have never acted like this before son”
“I never had to I guess, or maybe it is just that, well he is that important to me”
“Seems that way, you know what the consequences can be? I mean really know?”
“I think so, for the most part”
“And still you are willing to risk it?”
“Yes”
Was this how a captain felt when his ship was slowly sinking under him? As much as he wanted to not let his ship sink, as much as he tried to stop the flooding did he know inside that it was useless but still try to change the inevitable? The stubborn look on Noah’s face told him all he needed to know but he refused to accept it. How could he? Wasn’t it part of the job really, to try and make his son see the dangers that laid ahead even if he was unwilling to listen? Could it be a false sense of hope on his part or was he maybe just hoping that if he kept at it long enough some miracle might happen and Noah would see things his way? Whatever it was he couldn’t let it rest, not yet anyhow.
“And what about school?”
“What about it?”
“What if they find out about you and about Dakota?”
“They won’t”
“What if they do Noah? What will you do then?”
“I don’t know, whatever I have to I suppose”
“Can you go through a whole year of being picked on? Can you go through a whole year of not knowing if you are going to be roughed up, teased, called names? Can you?”
When Dakota has said all this it hadn’t sounded quite so horrible but now it did and yet he refused to accept it. For starters neither his dad nor Dakota knew for certain what would happen. Besides that, it was just as likely that no one would even notice or find out, so why should he be so afraid? Okay maybe his dad was right, maybe even Dakota was right about what could happen, but that assumed that they would find out. If he was smart, if he controlled himself no one would find out so their arguments weren’t real, were they?
He couldn’t help feeling the doubts inside but they also made him angry too. Why did everyone have to always assume the worse or think he couldn’t look after himself? Okay maybe he wasn’t Joe macho but he could look after himself. He could throw a punch like anyone else could if it came to that. As for the name calling, wow, like that would stop him? Didn’t his dad get it; he didn’t care about any of that if he knew that at the end of it all he had Dakota to be with? That would make it all okay, just like his dad had his mom. Why did he assume that it would be different for him and Dakota?
“If I have to, I guess”
“You can’t guess, you have to know, this isn’t something you can take back, this isn’t something you can start over, once it is out, it is there for good, it will follow you to college and beyond, are you prepared for that?”
“They won’t find out, and even if they do, so what? I’ll handle it”
“How? Can you defend yourself?”
“Nathan…”
“No Rachel, let it be… well? Can you Noah?”
“I don’t know, I suppose”
“This isn’t like the time Cory and you fought in the sandbox, this is for real Noah, think about it, can you defend yourself? Do you know how to stop someone from hitting you in the head? Do you know how to stop someone from breaking your ribs when they are kicking you?”
“Stop it Nathan, you are scaring him”
“Scaring him? Christ Rachel it is what can happen, what most likely will happen, he has to see it, to know it now… do you Noah? Do you understand all this?”
“Yeah I do, and no I guess I don’t know how to stop someone from kicking my ribs in, or smacking me in the head, but I’ll learn fast enough if I have to”
“Will you? It only takes one time Noah, just like the sex, only one time and you can be left for dead, left a vegetable, do you realize that?”
“Yes, okay? I realize it and no it doesn’t change how I feel or anything either, ‘cept maybe made me more scared, is that what you wanted to hear?”
“No, no it isn’t son, but as angry as you are right now, what I said is real, it is what you can expect, I wish it wasn’t like this, but it is.”
“Well I’ll just be extra careful, so they don’t find out, it isn’t their business anyways”
“No it isn’t, but these things, they have a way of being found out, trust me on that, have you talked about it with uh Dakota?”
“Sort of…”
“And?”
“And what? We talked about it, okay?”
“No it isn’t okay, what did he say? Come on, what did he say?”
There was no way he could tell him what Dakota had said. For sure he’d jump on it and try to use it to keep them apart. He gritted his teeth wishing he hadn’t said what he had but there was no way out. His mind was confused too because he really hadn’t thought it would be like his dad said. Okay maybe he had known it might turn out that way, but Christ this was 2003. It wasn’t the dark ages or anything and besides that, the school wouldn’t let it happen, would they?
“He was scared, so was I…”
Nathan could tell that something wasn’t right, that Noah was holding back something. His heart ached as he had spoken about what could happen but he really believed it would. He couldn’t help but feel that way but the way Noah sidestepped him, kept pushing off what Dakota felt confused him. He had naturally assumed that Dakota had been the one pushing for all this, this gay stuff and sex but now he wasn’t so sure. Could it have been Noah who was the instigator? Was Dakota as sure as Noah? From what Noah was saying he began to have his doubts, wondering if maybe he should find out, if maybe he should talk to Dakota or at least to his father.
“Maybe the two of you need to take some time apart, to think about this, sounds like he does, doesn’t it?”
“NO! I know what you are trying to do, he isn’t that way, he cares about me, it was why he thought we should not see each other, he didn’t want me to get hurt, so see, he does care”
“I didn’t say he didn’t Noah, I just think you have maybe gone a bit too far too fast, maybe you both need a bit of time to cool off, let your minds get over the first flush of excitement, that isn’t asking much is it?”
“Your father is right Noah, you two barely know each other, how can you be so adamant about this, you have only known him for a week or so”
“I know that… But it is like, well like I knew it the second I laid eyes on him, I can’t explain it, I just know, so does he.”
“Noah I am not happy about you and him having sex, I am sorry, I think you are way too young still, and the whole gay thing, has me deeply worried, I know what you say, I know you think you can handle it, but son, when you get hurt, when some kid hits you, and it will happen, it is your mother and me that have to deal with it, not your friend Dakota, us. We don’t want you to get hurt, it is that simple”
“I won’t, besides you always told me a man has to do what he has to do, you are the one who told me to be true to how I feel inside, well that is what I am doing, or didn’t you mean it? Does it only apply if I am straight?”
“Of course I meant it and yes it applies whether you are gay or not, I just know that with you being this uh, this way, there are added problems, and I don’t want you rushing into danger, that is all”
“So I have to hide because some asshole can’t accept me being gay? That doesn’t sound right”
God he wished he could tell him it was different, tell him that the world was full of nice kind thinking people but it wasn’t. Kids shouldn’t have to know these things but you couldn’t not tell them. The world wasn’t a fantasyland, it was very real and at times very cruel, something he wished he could spare Noah but there was no getting around it.
“It isn’t, but it is life”
“Yeah? And how is it supposed to change if I hide? Didn’t you tell me that a man had to stick up for what was right, no matter the cost? Why should I hide, I haven’t done anything wrong”
“No, I guess not, at least in your eyes you haven’t done anything wrong but there are some who don’t see it that way”
“Tough for them”
“No, tough for you because right now they are the one’s calling the shots son, not you”
“Then I’ll change it”
“How? This isn’t like changing channels on a television set when you don’t like the show, this is life, you just can’t wave a wand and presto everything changes”
“So what, I have to not be happy because some religious nut doesn’t like my being gay? Fuck them”
“Noah your language please”
“Sorry mom, it is just that, I know you both mean well, I know that it is kind of scary really, I know all that, but I know that if I don’t do this, if I run and hide like you want, I won’t be much of a person, I sure as hell won’t like me and if I don’t like me, how will anyone else? Say Dakota isn’t the one, say I am wrong about him, how will there ever be a right one for me if I hide now? How?”
“You don’t know that sweetie, besides you are 16, you will have lots of time to…”
“No Rachel, he is right. Damn it he is right, but it doesn’t help any Noah, being right is one thing, paying the price for being right though, that can be a very expensive price and I don’t mean in money son, I mean it can cost you your life, I don’t want that to happen, I’d rather you be alone and sad than dead, I am sorry, but I am your father, I love you, what else can I say?”
Why couldn’t they just love him for who he was? Why did they have to bring up all this hate stuff? Sure it wasn’t fun or nice out there, he had seen the news too but that wasn’t here, wasn’t where he lived. Things were different here, there were laws and stuff to protect him and others who were different, least that’s what the teachers all said. Why did his father have to try and make it out like they lived in a ghetto or something worse? All he wanted or needed was for them to be there for him, wasn’t that what a parent was supposed to do?
“Say that you will stand with me, say, I don’t know, say that you and mom will be there to pick me up if I do get beaten up, that if I do get hurt you will be there, that no matter what I am still your son, that is what you can say”
“I don’t have to Noah, you should know that”
“Then, if that is true why all this?”
“For that same reason son, because you are our son”
“I don’t get it, if none of what happens changes anything, why are you trying to stop me from being who I am?”
“I don’t know if that is what we are trying to do, maybe delay it? Maybe try to make sure it is what you really want, or maybe it is just that we don’t want you to get hurt. I can’t tell you why, I can only tell you that as parents, we only want what is best for you, I don’t think you being involved with a guy, being sexually active at your age is good for you. I am sorry, it is how I feel”
“So, I can or I can’t see Dakota?”
“I don’t know”
“But…”
“Noah, let us sleep on it, please?”
“It won’t change how I feel Dad”
“No, I suppose it wont, but you have given your mother and me a lot to think about, we need the time to digest all this, please, let us just sleep on it and we can pick this up in the morning”
“I can’t, I have to go see Dakota”
“You can talk to us first… then we’ll see after that”
“I am going to see him Dad”
“Noah, tomorrow morning we will finish this, until then, let’s not get into a I will he will kind of thing, okay? I told you, we need some time to think, to talk and to just try and digest all this, okay?”
“I suppose… just as long as you…”
“I know”
He leaned back in the chair as his son slowly stood up and made his way towards the hall. There was no mistaking the hostility in his face or even in how he moved towards his room. You could see it the way his shoulders were set and how he took each careful deliberate step to leave and yet something else was there too. Nathan could see it in the eyes as he saw his son stop at the hall.
There was a brief sagging of his shoulders but Nathan watched with a sense of pride really as Noah collected his thoughts and straightened his stance up once more. He could almost feel the boy’s determination and will as he turned to stare back at them both. The way his face was drawn and white only made his heart twist even more and made the pain a little sharper. He heard his wife sucking in her breath and the small sound of a sob escape her lips as she too stared out at her son.
“I know you both love me and you think you are trying to do what is best, I really do Dad, but you have to know, I love him, it isn’t something I can explain, it is just how I feel inside. You and Mom can sleep on it and we can talk about it tomorrow and the next day and the next, it won’t really make any difference cause I love him that much, so much that nothing is going to change that or keep me from being with him again, guess it is how you were Dad, it took you 3 years, maybe it will take me that long too, but I don’t care how long it takes, I am going to be with him again, I have to.”
Noah turned from them and walked out of the room and down the hall towards his own bedroom. Nathan heard his wife crying but he couldn’t move for the moment. What his son had said echoed within his head and his heart as he too felt the tears finally rolling down his face. His eyes felt heavy like his heart as he glanced upwards, wondering what the man upstairs thought about it all? Even as he wondered he knew what he would do come the morning, the only question was how would Rachel react to his decision? He turned to her now and cocked his head to one side and then slowly he stood up and walked over to her, gathering her in his arms and letting her head rest on his shoulder.
For the first time since he had heard the news about Noah, Nathan felt at peace with himself. At last he had reached a decision and he was calm as he let his wife cry on his shoulders, his own tears rolling unheeded down as his cheeks. Noah was his son no matter what and maybe he had failed him before, but he knew that he couldn’t risk failing him now.
The Locker – Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Saturday
Dinner had been strange; different in a way he just couldn’t put his finger on. Every time he’d look over at Dakota he got this feeling that everyone else at the table was noticing and then like the perfect dufus he had to have a choking spell, that sure was a hit with Dakota’s mom who seemed so distant, so strange really. He couldn’t quite say why, but he was sure she kept looking at him as if to see if he was good enough for her son and yet at other times it was like she was feeling angry with him, upset that he was even sitting at their table.
It certainly wasn’t a dinner like he was used to. At his place his folks would talk, laugh, tell and ask things of him and each other, sort of like they were catching up or something, but Dakota’s folks seemed different. It was more like they were only there to fuel up, not to check up or anything. It was kind of weird for him and even Arizona was quiet which he didn’t think was possible and yet, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it but it didn’t just seem because he was there, that somehow this was normal for them.
Noah had tried to offer to help with the dishes but both
Everything seemed so sad really and he couldn’t help but notice at times how Rosalie would look at both
That really was freaking him out because he couldn’t even begin to imagine what his own parents would feel if they knew how much he ached for another boy, and he doubted if either of them would accept it the way it appeared Dakota’s had or were. Maybe he was just being silly but he couldn’t get it out of his head as he waited for Dakota out on the front porch that somehow his mother at least had a suspicion that he was queer, but if she did, why hadn’t she said anything?
He wished at times he could just sit down with them and tell them, that maybe if he could just share how he was feeling that maybe it would be easier, that maybe he could get through another day just a bit easier, but he doubted if his parents would understand. He had heard his father talk about it, about how gays were sick or perverted, and his mother had agreed too and for a bit he had wondered if that was it, that maybe it was some disease or something that he could get help for, that he could take a pill for but inside, deep down he knew it wasn’t that way at all. Hell, he had proven that by the way he wanted Dakota so much, how he couldn’t even begin to control the strange emotions that ran thru him each time he thought about Dakota inside of him.
Sitting there he squirmed a bit, as he could really still feel that first press against his butt, that first jab of pain that went up his whole body as Dakota tried to enter him and he felt the searing pain even now but it was just a memory, not real and he tried to hold it back, tears near threatening to break free and roll down his face as he realized that he had held back, that he had whimped out. How could he have been so stupid, so dumb as to not know it would hurt and instead of taking it for a moment he had ran, and now he was feeling like this whole weekend was going to wind up with him once more being alone, despite all that Dakota had said.
How could he still want him after Noah failed him like that? Could they have sensed that and that was why dinner was so quiet? Had they somehow seen his failure to please written on Dakota’s face or his own? He shook a little sitting there, wondering why it was that he just couldn’t do things right, that every time he tried to be who he was he failed? Even his attempt at being a part of the school had failed when he joined the drama club, and that whole mess in wearing the dress had only embarrassed his father, and sitting there he could still hear his father’s voice, telling him that he shouldn’t be surprised at the writing on his locker, after all he did dress up in a dress, and that was what happened to kids who did that kind of stuff. He could still hear his father telling him he should have tried out for some sports instead, at least then when he failed it wouldn’t be so bad.
It irked him too, as he replayed that conversation in his mind that his father already had chalked him up to being unable to play sports that he would fail but that at least he wouldn’t have been branded queer like he had been for doing the drama play. Shit, what did he really expect from him? It wasn’t like he was gifted with a great body like Dakota or Rusty, yet his father kept at him to try, to be something he wasn’t. He shook his head, knowing that his father would never understand if he did tell him, but how could he keep it hidden? How could he keep his feelings hidden for so long, especially the way they seemed to be only getting more intense, more controlling?
If anything he was feeling more alone now than before Dakota had shown up at his place that first night, and yet something inside kept telling him that things would change, that he couldn’t just sit back and stew about stuff. He wondered if he’d ever have the courage to speak up, to say how he really felt when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned quickly to stare up to find Dakota’s mother looking down at him. He felt an icy fear inside, thinking that she was going to send him home or worse, tell him he couldn’t see Dakota anymore.
He felt the tears welling up even before she spoke but the way her eyes looked at him kept the tears from falling, kept his heart from stopping as he waited, just looking up into her face. Noah could see the pain inside and once more the thought that she was going to stop him and Dakota came to mind, but there was something about her, something that held his fear at bay, kept it from overwhelming him as she smiled a thin weak smile, her hands looking rough as it rested on his trembling body.
Rosalie “Mind if I sit with you? Dakota won’t be much longer”
Noah “Uh, sure, uh, thanks again for dinner, it was really good”
Rosalie “
Noah “Uh, I like her too”
Rosalie “Yes, but not as much as you like my son, huh?”
He felt the panic inside and he didn’t know what to do or say. He looked down at his hands, resting in his lap and he wondered if all mothers knew this stuff, or was he sending off some signal, some sign that he was in love with Dakota? Christ if he was, did that mean his own mother knew? He could feel the eyes staring at him, waiting for him to answer and he had a small lump in his throat as he croaked out his answer.
Noah “Yes, I really do like Dakota… uh, he’s been nice to me…”
Rosalie “He’s a good boy, I think he likes you too, you are the first boy he’s ever brought home, did he tell you that?”
Noah “The first? Uh, no, no he didn’t”
Rosalie “Yes, he doesn’t usually talk much, but all week he kept telling us about you, I have never really seen him so happy in a long time”
Noah wasn’t sure how to answer that nor if he could even. It was all so strange to listen to her soft voice, almost as if she was tired and yet it was different too, like she was saying one thing but was thinking about something else. He stared at her, seeing the eyes glisten a little and he realized that she had tears in her eyes. He couldn’t understand it as he saw the pain once more showing through but he didn’t feel the fear this time. It was as if she was talking to him but not really, like her mind was elsewhere and she was just stalling, like maybe she wanted to say more but didn’t know how or maybe even what.
The idea that Dakota had been talking about him all week made him feel warm inside too, and it was a glimpse into something he wished he knew more about. Suddenly he felt at ease, almost as if the fear had vanished but he knew it was still there, just that the whole idea of Dakota thinking about him all week was just too much for it. He felt kind of pleased too, and his mind was off on a dream even though it was still wondering what Rosalie wanted from him. Was she maybe trying to see if he cared for Dakota the same way he cared for him? Could it be that or was there something else and he saw her hesitation too, the way she would quickly glance at him and then turn away to stare out from the house. He too turned to stare out, seeing the nights sky grow darker, seeing the first sign of stars glittering and he felt strangely quiet as he sat there with her.
Noah “I really like him, I have never felt this way about someone, it is scary”
He didn’t know why he said it or even if she heard him because she didn’t say anything right away, she just kept staring out at the field and the sky. For a minute or two he wondered if he should say it again but he kept silent, staring out at the sky himself, wondering if she would understand how he felt, if she would object or support how he felt?
Rosalie “I suppose it can be, you do use condoms, don’t you Noah?”
His whole body suddenly grew taut and he felt his heart skip a beat as she asked him, and he felt the sweat start on his forehead as he could feel her eyes on him now. He knew she was staring at him but even though they did use condoms, it still was strange to discuss it with an adult, worse to discus it with Dakota’s mother.
Noah “Yes… he insisted, uh… I mean…”
Rosalie “Good, this, all this is still strange to us Noah, but, you both are so young, it is hard for me or Dakota’s father to quite believe it is how he says, but, he is our only son left, so I want your solemn promise Noah, never, I mean this, never let yourself get too carried away that you or he forget to use condoms, please… will you do that for me? For Dakota?”
There was something in her voice that finally made him summon up the strength to turn and look at her. He saw the pain but he saw something else too, and he wasn’t sure but he thought he saw fear, real fear in her face and it frightened him a little as he felt her take his hand into hers. He could feel her searching his eyes, staring deeply into them and he knew that she meant what she was saying, that somehow they maybe weren’t thrilled about Dakota bringing him home but they cared so much for him that that didn’t matter, as long as he and Dakota were safe.
Noah “Of course, I mean, yes…”
They held each other’s gaze for a few seconds and to Noah it seemed like hours had to have passed, the look was so intense and he could almost believe that she was searching his heart and soul to make sure he was telling her the truth. He had never felt so naked as he did in that second and yet his mind seemed to think he should be frightened but his heart kept telling him there was nothing to fear because he had spoken the truth. He stared back, letting her see his own feelings, feelings that even he hadn’t quite yet focused on or understood but somehow it was like she could read them, could understand them. He waited, his heart pounding or so it seemed but the fear was held back.
She patted his hand, feeling his nervousness and knowing inside that he was frightened of her and of the conversation but she had to do it, she had to know just what kind of boy her son had brought home. The whole day had been unreal to her not to mention the conversation she had with this boy’s mother. How would he react if he knew that his mother had come to her, had sought her out to find out if her son was who she thought he was? Would he bolt or would he face it? Looking into his eyes she knew that he might want to run, but that he wasn’t a coward, that he had more courage inside than maybe he realized but run he wouldn’t do. It gave her some hope too because she knew that ever since Montana had passed away that Dakota had been slipping away, that he had become withdrawn from them all and only this last week had he come close to being the boy she had always thought of. Noah had done that, she could see it now and she silently prayed that it would last, wondering what it was that had made God test them so much?
Her heart was heavy as she thought back to the first news, to that first explosive announcement that had so taken them aback and changed their lives forever. Inside she felt the loss growing and yet as she sat there, as she heard Dakota in the house, she knew that as much as she missed her eldest boy, she would never be without him. He lived on in her other children, in Arizona and in Dakota and maybe in some ways, all that she had gone through had a purpose, what she wasn’t certain but after talking to Noah’s mother, she knew that somehow there was a reason.
Rosalie “Good, I knew you would, and Noah?”
Noah “Yes?”
Rosalie “Don’t be afraid to talk, either to Dakota or me if you need to, okay?”
Noah “Okay”
Rosalie “Good, now I understand you boys are going star gazing, don’t forget your jacket, it gets chilly out there, and Noah… remember your promise”
Looking into her eyes he could see that she meant what she had said. He saw the love in there, behind the wall of pain that seemed ever so present around the whole family and he wondered for a moment about it, not sure what to do or say but he knew that at least she wasn’t against him, and that counted for something. He felt a bit easier about it too, remembering how she had told him that Dakota had been talking about him. In a way he didn’t feel so bad now and he felt a sense of hope, that maybe they could get past his fear and his stupidity from earlier, least he was hoping so when he saw Dakota standing at the door, Noah’s jacket and backpack in his hands.
Dakota “Promise what?”
Rosalie “To go easy on you of course”
Dakota “MOM!”
Rosalie “Yes dear?”
Dakota glanced at Noah and saw a small smile curling around his lips. For a brief moment he wished he could just reach out and kiss him but he couldn’t, well at least he didn’t think he could. He saw the sparkle in his mother’s eyes too and wondered what she had made Noah promise and somehow, he knew that Noah would tell him once they left the house. He kind of had an idea anyhow, his father had already stopped him inside and asked him if he was using protection, and he could see the worry in the man’s tired face. His heart had cried out, as he knew that his father wasn’t comfortable with this whole gay stuff but he also knew that he loved him. He wished things had been different, and he knew too that it was weighing on both of his parents just as it was on him too. Damn he missed
Dakota “Noah isn’t that type”
Noah “Oh I don’t know, I might surprise you”
Dakota and Rosalie both looked at Noah, a sort of amazement on both their faces as they realized that he was saying one thing, but meaning another. Rosalie had a small smile on her face and for the first time since Dakota had mentioned Noah, she felt a bit easier in her heart about it. She was so worried that he would make a mistake like
She sighed a little, feeling the pressure a bit, knowing that her life had one more complication in it, and that being the mother of a gay teenager was even harder than even she had thought. Her heart was heavy as she glanced heaven wards, wondering if
She reached down and patted
11:02 p.m.
Noah stared up at the sky, seeing the small brilliant blue white sparkles of the stars as he lay on the wooden floor. They had walked for almost a half hour through the field until a large tree had loomed up in the horizon. Slowly Dakota had guided them to it and once there Noah could see that it was not only a tall solid old tree but that there were wooden rungs running up its thick trunk. He stared at it a bit frightened because he wasn’t good with heights, but with some gentle urging from Dakota he made the climb up the tree.
He had taken each rung carefully, feeling Dakota right below him with each step, Dakota’s upper body resting lightly against his own shaking lower body. In some ways it was rather exciting too, which helped to contain his fear enough so that he could make the climb. Noah came up onto a rather firm wooden platform and as he crawled onto it, waiting for Dakota to join him he looked around, seeing a well laid out hide away.
Near the trunk was a large box, a small Styrofoam cooler and three rolled up old army sleeping bags. There also was a large metal plate with the stub of a candle dead centre and as he looked out, he could see the house they had come from, the warm lights showing the way back and as he turned around, he saw the endless sky open up before him. At the edge of the platform was a small telescope and it was aimed high up into the heavens.
They really hadn’t spoken much, Dakota lost in his own thoughts or so it seemed to Noah, and he was grateful in a way too, after all how did you tell the guy you loved that his mother wanted to make sure you used condoms? He didn’t quite understand why the whole family seemed so concerned about condoms, first Dakota when he came over that night, now his mother but he shrugged it off, after all it did make sense, still, the idea of feeling Dakota inside him, his bare pole running in and out against his insides did have a certain appeal to him, if he could just get past its size.
Noah could still feel a sort of dull ache in his butt and sometimes, as he walked or especially when he was climbing those rungs, he felt a strange tenderness inside, a sort of dull throb and part of it was from Dakota, but he also thought that part of it was that he still wanted it, still wanted to feel Dakota deep inside of him. He couldn’t quite explain it, because he could remember that tearing pain still and it was like his body was fighting, part wanting Dakota inside the other part not wanting the pain that came with it. Maybe there was another way? Maybe there was a different position or something, least Dakota made it seem like there was, which at least gave him some hope. Only trouble was, what if he couldn’t take it? No matter how or which way Dakota tried, what if he just couldn’t handle the pain would that end it for them? Would Dakota stop wanting to be with him or would it not make any difference?
Sitting there staring up at the sky, he knew that this wasn’t exactly how it went when he had dreamed about this time, about being with someone like Dakota. Reality was a lot different and he sat there, confused by what he had thought it would be like and what it had been like. He knew he cared for Dakota, that there was something about the way he felt each time his eyes would lock onto Dakota’s that made his heart skip a few beats as well, and yet it wasn’t quite how he had dreamed it. He never had thought about that pain for instance, and he hadn’t thought either of the need for protection and how it seemed so difficult to keep in mind, to have to take the time to use it, and he wondered if he could keep it hard enough, would he suddenly go limp because of it? What about Dakota, how did he manage to keep that weapon of his so hard and still take the time to slip that plastic cover on? Was it something you got by doing it often or what? So much to think about and yet despite all those thoughts, the primary thought still seemed to be his fear of failing Dakota.
In some ways he thought that maybe Dakota felt that way too, that maybe Dakota was just as scared, just as uncertain and yet he seemed so confident, so casual in how he had done it all, planning to have the condom in reach, planning even the time when to go for it, which wasn’t how Noah thought love making was. He always believed it was a sudden burst of desire and not something you just planned, or was it like the boy scouts, just a matter of being ready, being prepared? He shook his head a little, staring back around at the simple little tree house and he wondered if Dakota had ever done it up here with others, or was that why they were even here? Could Dakota have brought him up here so he could tell him that they could just be friends, or worse?
Dakota “My brother died of aids, did you know that?”
Noah hadn’t even noticed that Dakota had moved up to sit beside him. Both of them had their feet dangling off the edge of the platform. He turned to stare at the boy that had stolen his heart and he felt frightened as he saw the sadness written all over Dakota’s face. Noah wasn’t sure what to say, as he stared at the trembling lower lip of his friend, wondering why Dakota was saying this to him, and for a brief moment he thought about AIDS and what it meant, and his mind recoiled, wanting him to shift his body away, to move away so he wouldn’t be close to Dakota, frightened that perhaps Dakota also had it, that it might rub off on him too. His heart ached as it battled the unreasonable fear that welled up inside of him, his eyes growing wide as they sought out signs, wondering if there was something he had missed that would tell him if Dakota was also infected, also doomed.
Noah “I am sorry, I uh, I mean… it must have been hard”
He didn’t look at Noah, afraid to really as he could feel the fear reaching out, could feel the revulsion coming from Noah and he sighed, knowing that maybe he had been wrong in thinking that Noah would be different, in thinking that maybe he did have a chance at something other than a fleeting memory of what love, of what caring for someone else could mean. Maybe he should just take him home, letting his own dreams pass because he could feel the fear growing, hearing it in each word that Noah hesitantly spoke.
Dakota “You know, you don’t really die from AIDS, it’s from the other stuff, still… I think you would have liked him, I know he would have liked you, but… anyhow, that’s why you got the condom quiz from mom”
Noah “The condom, I mean, how did you…”
Dakota “They mean well, I guess its their way of trying to show, I mean… they don’t want to go through it again… least, well… you know.”
Part of him wanted to reach out, to put his arms around Dakota as he stared at him, saw the way his head was bend down, the way his eyes were misted over with threatening tears and yet all he could do was sit there, his hands in his lap, his fingers twitching a little as his own fear took hold keeping him from doing what his heart ached for him to do. Noah didn’t know what to say but at least he understood now why Dakota’s mom had made him promise, and why Dakota had freaked so much that first time. Still, why hadn’t he told him this before, why now? Was there more to tell? His heart grew still as he thought about it, wondering if the worse was yet to come, knowing that he was frightened now, scared that maybe even what they had done so far had given it to him too, and so he sat there, scared and confused, unsure of what to do or say.
Noah “I suppose, uh, why, uh, why didn’t you…”
Dakota “Tell you sooner?”
Noah “Yeah”
Dakota “I don’t know, guess I was scared you’d freak, that you’d maybe not want to get close to me, I am negative if you are wondering”
Noah “Negative?”
Dakota “Yeah, HIV negative”
Noah “How do you, I mean…”
Dakota “Took the test, hell every six months I take the test, ever since… ever since Montana told me, took my last one Tuesday… the results came back yesterday… so no I don’t have it, least not yet”
The relief he felt vanished as quickly as it had come. Noah stared out at Dakota, saw the tear near one corner of Dakota’s face slowly trickling down from the eye, slowly rolling down the pale face and he felt the pain inside, wondering where all this was leading to? His body shook a little as he realized that Dakota was afraid of him, that he was scared to look at him and as much as he felt confused and frightened himself, he realized that Dakota did care for him, that he was telling him this because he did care, that this wasn’t some way to push him away. His body shook a little as he reached out slowly, letting his one hand lightly touch Dakota’s knee, his eyes staring at his fingers resting on the faded jeans.
Dakota felt the soft touch, the hesitant brush against his knee and his face turned slowly, to stare down at the small hand resting just above the kneecap. He saw the fingers shaking a little as they rested barely on his leg, almost as if they were ready to fly off the second danger approached, and he could feel Noah’s fear but more than that he could smell it too. It was the same fear he had had when
Noah “What do you mean, not yet? If you don’t, I mean, I…”
He saw the confusion in Noah’s face, saw the fear and dread too in his eyes and as he heard the words he knew that he would have to tell him, that for some reason it had become important to him to let Noah know everything, to tell him the truth about who he was, what he was, and what he had done. Maybe, just maybe Noah would understand though he doubted it. He had never told anyone and yet the instant he had seen Noah, the very second he had seen him walking down the hallway towards the locker he thought maybe, that just maybe Noah was indeed the one person he could trust, he could love.
Dakota “I made love to
Noah’s eyes widened as he heard the words, a strange fear reaching for his heart as the ‘and’ hung in the air, as if to tell him more and he felt angry for a moment then frightened, wondering just how could Dakota have done it.
Noah “And? And what… you had sex with your brother after? I mean… You?”
Dakota “No, we didn’t have sex, I made love to him, here, on this platform, just before… just before he… “
Noah ‘He died? How… I mean… fuck how could you…”
There was no mistaking the anger or the disbelief in Noah’s face. He didn’t know why he had blurted it out, why he had to try and make Noah understand, but he had to, at least his heart seemed to tell him. There was so much he wanted to say, to explain and yet in some ways he didn’t think he should have to. It wasn’t that he was ashamed either,
How do you explain something that you yourself don’t quite understand? What he and
Dakota “I had to Noah, he was so, he needed to know I loved him, I knew you wouldn’t understand, but I had to do it, you can’t imagine how it felt… he was so afraid, so… I just had to is all”
Noah “But how could you? He had aids…. you could get it now, didn’t you, how could you?”
Dakota “He was my brother, I loved him, he needed me, I couldn’t let him die without knowing… I am sorry, I guess you just don’t, I guess you… I am sorry”
First he couldn’t take Dakota inside, now he was finding out that Dakota had done it not only with his brother, but that his brother had AIDS too, and he just didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to run, to just scamper down the tree and run as far away as his legs could take him. His mind kept telling him to leave, to run to escape but something held him, kept him from giving in to the panic that was raging inside of him.
He couldn’t even look at him, afraid that if he did he would grow to hate looking at Dakota’s face, at the vision he had of him inside and yet he felt himself being drawn to him, as if some strange force was taking hold, orchestrating it all and he hated it, wishing he could have just stayed safe in his nice little empty world. That was what he really wanted, because all this was so hard, so tough to understand. His heart ached though as he listened to Dakota’s voice, hearing the pain in it as well as the defiance and something inside wanted him to listen, wanted him to try to understand what could have possessed Dakota that way, or his brother for that matter. How could he have let Dakota do that if he really loved him?
Noah “No I don’t understand, how could you?”
Dakota “Don’t you think I knew that? Fuck… It happened because… because I loved him, I still do, maybe not the same way I care or love you, but it was just as powerful, just as important…”
Noah “You love me?”
Dakota “Yes I do, I don’t know why, but that first moment I saw you… it was like Montana had said it would be, I am sorry Noah, I didn’t want to hurt you, I am so sorry”
Strange how hearing that word, that simple little word could stop his anger, his disbelief so quickly. His heart seemed to suddenly pound faster as it took that word and felt it, felt the truth behind it too and his eyes misted as he tried to make sense of it all. Just for a brief moment he felt the warmth inside of him, that same warmth he always began to feel when thinking of Dakota and he didn’t know how to react now, what to say even as his face grew flushed and his eyes looked downwards at his hands.
Noah “He told you? I don’t… you really love me?”
Dakota “Yes, why do you think I am telling you all this?”
Noah “I don’t know, I guess…”
Dakota “It has to be love, I have never told anyone this, but for all those months that he was sick, fighting one illness after another, no one touching him, holding him or even just hugging him because they were all scared of catching it, the way his eyes looked each time I or anyone would walk in, the hope inside slowly getting less as we stood by, our hands always at our sides. Don’t you see? He thought we didn’t love him anymore, and all the words, they were just words, I had to show him, to prove to him that I at least still loved him, and it was the only way I could, the only way Noah, I only wish I hadn’t waited so long, I only wish I had always come in, hugged him each time, kissed him even, because now I can’t, I can’t touch him, hold him, don’t you see? At least I showed him before it was too late, can’t you understand that?”
Noah “But to have sex with him? He was your brother for Christ’s sake”
Why couldn’t Noah see it? It wasn’t sex, sex was just a way to get off, to shoot your load, what he and Montana had was more than that, it was being together in a way that maybe, even for those brief seconds when they were one person, one heart beating together, that they shared something more, they shared their thoughts, their dreams. It wasn’t about getting off, hell he couldn’t even remember if he did cum or not, all he could remember was how scared Montana had been and then how calm he became after, how he managed that smile a few more times, how his eyes didn’t look so frightened, so empty. That was what he remembered, not how his dick felt or even how
Dakota “It wasn’t sex, it was love”
Noah “Yeah right”
Noah had heard the angry lilt in Dakota’s voice but had ignored it, failing to recognize it before he spoke and yet now, after his sarcasms had been voiced he felt a chill inside, a sort of signal really and once more his eyes were drawn to Dakota’s face. He could see the flash of anger there, feel it even as he saw the way Dakota suddenly seemed to gain strength, to tower up in fact even though his body didn’t move. It was how he held himself, the way his shoulders became squared off, his eyes sparkling with defiance and his lips pressed tighter together as he answered him. He saw it all and felt a strange sense of awe creeping into him, and he also felt shame too, because as much as the whole idea of Dakota doing it with his older brother troubled him, it also made him feel a strange sense of pride too.
His mind was still reeling from the idea and yet deep inside the small voice kept hammering at him, forcing him to think, forcing him to listen and to look deep into Dakota’s face. The defiance in Dakota’s face wasn’t just that, it was also in a way a sort of pride, a sort of sign that Dakota was saying this is who I am, this is what I am about and it confused Noah, because in many ways it was also telling him that this is what he expected from Noah too and he didn’t know if he could meet that expectation, if he could rise to that standard that Dakota seemed to have.
Dakota “Yeah right it was, just like what you and me did, that wasn’t sex, least not to me, if it was just sex I was into I sure as fuck wouldn’t have stopped when you said it hurt…”
Noah “That is different”
Dakota “Why? Just cause you aren’t my brother or cousin? I showed him that he was special to me, just like he showed me a few years earlier, when I needed to know that someone out there cared… you have no idea how it can feel to be, to be this way”
Noah “I don’t know? Fucking hell I don’t! If I don’t know, how come I have never, well, you know…”
Dakota “It’s different for you, no one is pushing you to be something you aren’t, everyone in school isn’t after your ass cause you are some hot shot jock”
There was anger in his voice as he spoke up. How could Dakota be this way, think that he had it so bad? Christ the guy had it all, had the looks, the charm, the abilities and he though that he, Noah, had it easier? Shit, what did he know about going thru life having few friends, seeing everyone else have fun and go to parties while he sat at home watching television? The fire inside was hot, as he spoke up, unsure why Dakota couldn’t see what everyone else saw about him.
Noah “True, I am not drop dead gorgeous like you, but uh, you did notice my locker didn’t you? Doubt if you ever had that”
Dakota “I am not drop dead gorgeous… fuck I wish I was”
Noah “Shit go look in a mirror man, you are hot, that’s why the girls chase you, its why guys like me pinch themselves when you talk to us”
Dakota “Pinch yourself?”
Noah “Yeah, to make sure it isn’t just a part of the dream man”
Dakota “Dream? Is that what I am?”
Noah “No, well, yes in a way, shit Dakota you have it all, you are good in sports which is one thing, but you have the looks too, shit, you walk into a room and people know you are there, they sense you, you are what everyone wishes they could be”
Dakota “I doubt that”
Noah “It’s true, shit you have the looks, the eyes, the hair, everything, even the way you walk, talk, don’t you think you do? I mean… you have to know”
The words sounded good but he didn’t believe them and yet a part of him wanted to and maybe even a small part did. After all it was what
Dakota “No, no I don’t, but, that is why you want me? Because I have the ‘look’ or something?”
Noah “I guess, in a way yeah, but I don’t know, there is more too, I mean I have seen hot guys before, hell Rusty is one, but you, you are different, least for me you are”
Dakota “Yeah, different how?”
Noah “I don’t know, all I know is that when I think of you I want to cum, I get hard, I get scared too, I want to make you like me so much I don’t know what I mean anymore”
Dakota “So its sex for you? Is that what it is?”
They had been together naked, touched each other in places where no other guy had touched him, had kissed and hugged and as he heard the accusation, he realized that here he was, still a virgin really and here was this super hot stud, and even though he had failed to give Dakota the sex, the guy still was fighting for him, still wanted him. Noah knew he had disappointed Dakota by not being able to take it, by whimping out and yet, did he really know that?
Staring at Dakota, seeing the pain in his face as he had said the words, as he had thought that all Noah had wanted from him was sex showed him that maybe his own fears were wrong, that maybe all of his concern over trying to please Dakota was just his imagination of what Dakota had wanted? Could it really be that Dakota did want more than just a fuck boy? Did he want to be more than that to Dakota?
Noah “No, I mean, in one way it is, to think of losing my virginity to a guy like you, fuck that’s a dream come true, but I want more than that too, so no it isn’t about the sex, it’s like, I don’t know, when I look at you, touch you, it is like I am real and not some stupid fag, some geek that everyone picks on, it is like, well, like I matter…”
Dakota “Now you know why what Montana and I did wasn’t sex, it was love, least what I think love is, he made me feel special Noah, he made me feel like I wasn’t just some fag, some slime, he made me realize that who I was was special to him, at least I had that, can’t you see? I couldn’t let him die without showing him the same love, letting him know that he had made a difference, that he too wasn’t just a dumb fag, that he was special”
Noah “But you risked your life, you could… I mean…”
Dakota “I’d have done it bareback if he would have asked, he was the only one who ever really loved me Noah, least he was until… I mean, well…”
Noah “Until what?”
Dakota “Until I saw you, I never… I mean, until I met you, I didn’t think I could ever love anyone, that when Montana died, my life had died too, even if I could still walk and stuff, it was like there wasn’t any purpose, any reason… but seeing you, I don’t know, guess its why I showed up at your place, it was like suddenly life didn’t seem so bad, so empty”
Noah “really?”
Dakota “Really”
Noah “But what if, I mean I don’t know if I can do what you want, it hurt so much…”
If only he could say the words, if only he could find the way to tell Noah how he felt, to make him understand what it was that he wanted. In some ways he felt like he was fighting a losing battle, that maybe Noah wasn’t the one, that maybe it was all in his head and that he had built up this image of Noah that was just a fantasy and yet when he looked at him, when he saw how his face stared into his own, he felt hope, felt that there was something there, that it was just that Noah didn’t know how to respond, or that maybe he was just too scared, just as he had been when Montana had shown him how it was, how Montana had held him close, his hand caressing his hair, wiping his tears away, maybe that was it, maybe he just need to be patient, like Montana had been with him?
Yet too, it felt like maybe Noah didn’t want to know, that maybe Noah didn’t want the same things he did and that maybe, he was wrong, maybe Noah wasn’t the one, that perhaps he just wanted someone to pop him? He just didn’t know and yet, somehow inside he felt that he was wrong, that Noah did want what he wanted but that he, Dakota, wasn’t able to make it clear enough, wasn’t smart enough to break past all that so called book stuff. He felt helpless as he realized that he was failing, that all his dreams about what he and Noah could be together were just that, dreams.
Dakota “You don’t get it”
Noah “I want to, I do”
Dakota “Do You? ‘Cause I don’t care if I never fuck you, or you me for that matter, that isn’t what I want, it isn’t what makes me think of you all the time, I mean, yeah I like doing it, I mean the idea of being deep inside of you or having you in me, it makes me shake, but smelling you, listening to your voice, just watching the way your lips pout, or the way your nostrils flare, the touch of your breath on my face, all that makes me just as warm inside, makes me shake just as much if not more so, yeah that physical stuff is nice, but you do more for me without it, I don’t need that, I just want to, I just want to mean something to you, to have you feel just a little like I feel about you.”
Noah “Then why, I mean why tell me about you and
Dakota “I guess, I don’t know, I guess in some ways it was to see if you were real, if you wanted me for me or for my dick, I don’t know Noah, all I know is that to me, you make me feel like, well, feel like I count, that there is someone I can talk to, share things with.”
Noah “Share things? Like what?”
Dakota “I don’t know, I guess to have someone near when I wait for the next test result?”
Noah’s head lifted up as Dakota spoke and he could hear the fear and loneliness in each word that Dakota spoke. His heart ached for him and he didn’t know what he could do as he stared at him, saw the desperation in Dakota’s eyes and yet he felt his own fear too, wondering if he could be what he thought Dakota wanted. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to try and be that, he just didn’t know if he could, if he had what it would take but as he stared into Dakota’s brown eyes, saw the flickering hope growing weaker, he felt a tremble in his body, and without even realizing it he knew he was now standing up.
Dakota saw Noah shake, saw his arm quiver as Noah pushed himself up onto his feet and Dakota could feel his heart trembling, afraid of what was to happen. His mind screamed at him, telling him he should have kept quiet, should have kept his big mouth shut and yet deep down inside, the small tiny frightened voice still spoke up, still haunted his heart with its desire to be heard and he closed his eyes for a second, willing his body to stay still, willing his heart to keep on beating as he felt Noah walk past him towards the tree trunk and the way down.
Tears filled his eyes as he blinked and he was afraid to turn and watch Noah disappear down the tree, afraid to feel the waves of emptiness come back to haunt him as they had ever since Montana had finally ended his suffering. His body shook as he imagined the worse, his eyes finally peering upwards, asking if there would ever be that right person, if there would ever be a chance to stop being so alone when he heard Noah’s small frightened voice calling his name. Dakota turned around to see that Noah hadn’t left; instead he was standing by the rolled up sleeping bags and the wooden box.
Dakota “What?”
Noah “I said can I put these out on the floor, the sleeping bags”
Dakota “yeah, uh sure but I thought…”
Noah “That I was leaving?”
Dakota “Uh huh”
Noah “Do you want me to?”
Dakota “no”
Noah “Good, I don’t want to leave, I want to stay”
Dakota “Are you sure?”
Noah “Uh huh”
He watched with his mouth slightly open as Noah pulled the three bags away from the tree and brought them over to where Dakota was sitting. He looked down at Dakota, a thin smile around his lips as he unrolled two of them, laying them side-by-side and open out on the deck. Slowly he unzipped the third bag, putting it down at the foot of other two, making it look like a covering sheet and then he slowly walked over to the edge, staring down and then upwards, watching the stars blinking in the growing darkness of the night.
Noah stared up, not sure if he was doing the right thing as he could feel the fear tearing at him as his mind continued to torture him with what Dakota had revealed. How could he have done it still echoed in his head but his heart seemed to understand, seemed to make sense out of it and the small voice within seemed no longer to be pleading, no longer afraid either and as he looked upwards, he felt his doubts subsiding a little, afraid still but willing to try, willing to take that blind leap of faith towards fulfilling his dreams.
Noah “Are we boyfriends?”
Dakota stared at Noah, saw the way he was staring upwards and he wondered what he was thinking, wondering if he was doing this because he wanted to or was it out of some sort of pity, some form of feeling sorry for him? The words startled him as he saw the way Noah held himself upright.
Dakota “If you want, I’d like that”
Noah “Even if it meant that we never had sex?”
Dakota “Yes”
There hadn’t even been a second’s hesitation in Dakota’s answer, which surprised Noah a little. His mind told him that they couldn’t have a relationship like that, and yet Dakota seemed to think they could which was weird. He had to admit though, he still wanted Dakota, he still wanted to touch him, to feel him and yet he was holding back, still afraid of the unknown or maybe it wasn’t that, maybe he was simply afraid that all he had to offer was sex and he knew he wasn’t good at it. Could that be why he was feeling so torn, so uncertain?
Noah “Are you sure?”
Dakota “Yes”
Noah “I mean, nothing, no physical stuff, not even maybe being naked together, wouldn’t that make you want someone else?”
Dakota “No, I don’t think so, shit Noah, all I know is I want to be with you, naked, dressed, it doesn’t matter to me, I just want you, whatever you are comfortable in sharing with me”
Noah “Even if all that might be is a kiss or a hug, or just sitting holding hands? You are okay with that?”
Dakota saw Noah turn to look down at him and he saw the fear in his face as well as the doubts. It was strange but he could sense what was troubling him, what was really bothering him and he sighed, seeing also how Montana had looked when he had reached out and touched him, letting his finger run along Montana’s quivering lips, the way his heart had shuddered at the first real human touch and he knew that sex wasn’t what Montana had wanted or needed, that what Montana had needed was just that simple touch, that simple gesture was all that mattered.
Looking at Noah he knew that as much as he desired to be a part of Noah, to experience all of his body, to taste it to feel it, he wanted that other touch more. He wanted to feel Noah’s heart beat next to his every second that he took a breath, and he knew that he could have that just by a touch, just by a closeness.
Dakota “Sometimes, when it really counts, just a look is enough Noah, if two people really care about each other, I know that is how I feel about you”
He could see that it was true too, the way Dakota’s eyes looked right into his, past his eyes to reach deep down into his soul. He felt the touch of Dakota’s desire reaching for him, knowing that all he had to do was stand there, that it was all Dakota needed but he wanted more, he needed more.
Noah “I want to make love to you but I am afraid”
Dakota “I know”
Noah “No, it isn’t that, not the AIDS stuff…”
Dakota “I know Noah, but you don’t have to be afraid, just, just saying what you have said is enough for me, honest”
Noah “Maybe, but not for me, I need more, but I am afraid I’ll fail you again”
Dakota “But you haven’t failed me”
Noah “I couldn’t take you inside, what if I can’t please you if I…”
Dakota “You tried, that’s what counts, and you don’t have to worry about being in me, just being next to me is enough, honest”
Noah “No, no it isn’t, will you help me?”
Dakota “I don’t, how?”
Noah “Tell me, tell me what to do, how to do it, please… I want to make love to you, to feel you, to have you feel for me what, what you felt for your brother, please… Please Dakota… help me”
Tears were running down his face as he slowly stood up and walked over to where Noah was standing. He looked into his eyes and gently he raised his hand up, wiping the few tears that were rolling down Noah’s face. His heart skipped a beat or two as his fingers touched the warm flushed cheeks, feeling the trembling body shake to his touch and he could hear a distant roar in his ears, a roar that he knew was coming from Noah.
He leaned inwards, gently moving his head to one side, seeing Noah’s head tilt the opposite way and gently his lips brushed up against Noah’s mouth. He felt the flash of fire deep inside and in a millisecond he felt the answering flicker coming from deep within Noah’s own soul as well. He sighed as he pulled his head back and stared into Noah’s warm eyes, seeing the love growing inside, seeing it slowly push aside the fear that held them both captive.
Dakota “Are you sure?”
Noah “Yes”
Dakota smiled and then he reached into his pocket, taking a few small packages out and he bent down and placed them off to one side of the sleeping bag. He could feel Noah’s eyes watching him as he bent down and then he stood back up and turned to face Noah once more. His face was aglow with a new warmth that came from deep within his soul as he reached out and once more let the back of his hand run down Noah’s face. There was no mistaking the tremor that his touch brought to Noah and he felt his own body shake as well as he pulled back, letting his hand reach to his shirt, slowly unbuttoning each button, his eyes glued to Noah’s face, watching Noah watch him.
He let his shirt fall to the floor and then he kicked his shoes off, and then bent forward to remove his socks. As he leaned forward he brushed past Noah’s body and he breathed in deeply, smelling that special aroma and scent and he felt his legs shudder as the scent filled his body with its tantalizing fragrance. His bare feet rested on the open sleeping bag, as he stood upright once more, staring fully into Noah’s face. Dakota could see the eyes peering at him, taking it all in as he unbuttoned his pants and let them fall down his long lanky body. He stepped out of them by reaching out with one hand, to rest it on Noah’s shoulder, steadying himself.
The shock of touching Noah was almost too much as Dakota felt his body grew tense, felt the hardness of his own penis as he now stood up to his full height, letting the warm night air blow gently across his naked body as he looked into Noah’s face, making sure that it was as he had first seen, that Noah truly did want this and he wasn’t disappointed. There was no mistaking the love that now shone out from Noah’s face and Dakota felt his heart beating a bit faster now as he smiled at Noah, gesturing for him to follow his lead and to undress.
Noah’s eyes were filled with tears as he saw the way Dakota smiled at him, his heart beat faster as his hands slowly began to reach up. His fingers shook as they moved across his body to gingerly unbutton his shirt. He lowered his head to stare at his trembling fingers watching each button pop open slowly exposing his milky white flesh to Dakota’s eyes. With his shirt open he took a quick glance upwards, staring into the soft warm face of Dakota. His heart skipped a beat as he saw the desire welling up in the rich dark eyes of the boy in front. His hands pulled his shirt open wider until it slowly fell off his shoulders to rest at his feet. Dakota could see the quick beat of Noah’s heart his own body trembling with the mounting excitement that filled him.
Noah could feel Dakota’s warm breath blowing across his chest as his fingers struggled with the buttons, slowly unpopping each one. He held his own breath as his nervousness still held sway, as his mind still reeled from all it had heard, but his heart continued to rise in tempo, continue to shout down the doubts and fears that seemed to plague him as his trembling fingers finally undid the last button to his shirt. He felt the warm night air gently caress his flesh, and with still trembling fingers, he slowly opened his shirt, pulling it back to let it gently slide off his shoulders and fall to the floor around his feet. He couldn’t look up but his heart continued to thunder, the voices from deep down within began to grow in strength and his eyes flashed upwards for a second, and as they did they were suddenly held in a warm embrace that seemed to flow across from Dakota.
His eyes began to water as he stared into
Dakota “Are you sure Noah? I mean…”
Noah heard the soft words, heard the fear in them too and he knew in that instant that Dakota was the person he wanted to share his body with but more than that, who he wanted to share his life with. It was weird really, to think at his age that he’d want no one else but the way Dakota looked, the way his touch made him feel was exactly how he had dreamed it would be. The doubts, the fears, they still rested inside but they no longer controlled him and he felt the warmth inside, the desire and the love as they now took charge.
Noah “Yes”
As he spoke he pushed down on his pants forcing them down his thin legs, the growing desire making them tremble with excitement as his body brushed next to Dakota’s, and he felt the strong hands holding him steady, keeping him from falling as he slowly stepped out of the pants and then lifted his torso upright, to once more gaze into Dakota’s face. He smiled a thin smile as he still saw some doubt, some worry but as he smiled, he let his face moved forward and he lightly brushed his lips up against Dakota’s mouth, tasting the saltiness and also tasting the desire.
He could feel the desire growing as he reached out and moved Dakota’s hands up onto his chest, his own hands then moving back down to push his shorts off his body, to let free his own throbbing pole of desire. His eyes blinked as they stared down, seeing the long throbbing penis of Dakota, the white blinking flow of pre cum slowly coating the fiery purple cock head and he breathed in deeply, smelling the scent of desire, smelling his and Dakota’s youthful desire mingling together and his heart started to pound louder, echoing loudly inside his head. His mind was denied its power now, no more did it hound him with its doubts and fears and hesitations, instead it was pushed aside by the roar of his heart and the singing voices coming from deep within his soul.
Noah’s shorts lay at his feet and he reached up to hold onto Dakota’s shaking shoulders as he slowly stepped out of them. His body moved in closer to brush closer into the warm flesh of Dakota’s own throbbing body. The touch of Dakota’s hard pole against his belly made his body shudder as he felt Dakota reaching for his face, his hands gently holding his cheeks and lifting his face up to stare into his eyes. He saw the desire but something else too as his head came closer and they touched lips, the shock making his body tremble with a strange warmth that filled every part of his body.
Every inch of his body suddenly felt so alive, so full of life that he couldn’t believe it and all from a simply touch, a simple brush of the lips and yet it was like a whole new world being suddenly opened before his very eyes. Noah felt the tears rolling down his face as he shook and stared into Dakota’s very soul. He saw the love now, recognizing it for what it really was and his heart leaped forward, gunning into fast gear and he thought it would burst out from his chest as his body heaved and he felt the strong arms holding him tight, feeling the love surrounding his young body and he just knew that this was how it was supposed to be, that this was exactly what he had prayed for, dreamed of but never quite understanding what it was. Now he knew and he felt relieved as he leaned inwards, pressing his lips hard into Dakota’s mouth, his tongue flicking out in a furious flash that surprised Dakota.
He tasted the salt of Dakota’s own tears and their flavour only drove him into an even greater frenzy as his hands now reached out, holding onto Dakota’s own trembling body, the palms moving along the well defined sides, feeling the taut muscles coiled beneath the simmering flesh. He could feel each nerve tingle to his touch that only made his own body ache more and yet it was an ache that seemed to give him immense pleasure. His body groaned as it pushed inwards, wanting to melt into Dakota’s own hot fiery flesh.
He felt the hard push of Dakota’s massive thick penis running up the side of his belly, making his whole skin burn with the desire that raged from within, and he sighed as he felt his own pole digging hard into the soft warm flesh of Dakota’s thigh muscle. His whole body groaned with desire as his mouth continued to drink from Dakota. Everything was a massive explosion of new feelings as his lips now pressed up against the firm jaw of the young boy, then his teeth suddenly nibbled lightly on the underside of the chin, the force pushing Dakota’s face upwards. Noah could feel the rising heartbeat next to his own heaving chest as his mouth licked and kissed at the soft hollow of the neck, his back feeling Dakota’s strong fingers digging ever so slightly into his muscles. His body pressed inwards, meeting Dakota’s own feverish thrust and he felt the rise in his groin, felt the press of his balls up into the very root of his cock and he knew he would soon release his cream, but he didn’t mind because he knew they had all night, that it would be awhile before he would be anywhere near ready to explore the inner sanctum of Dakota’s body.
The realization that this was just a first step towards a whole new life for him dawned in brilliant techno colour. His body shook as his penis pressed harder into Dakota’s thigh, his mouth sucking on the warm salty flesh of Dakota’s neck, his teeth gently biting at the skin, and he could hear the increasing shallowness of Dakota’s breathing. His body grew tense and he could feel the fiery heat welling up in his groin as his body continued to press harder, continued to try and become a part of Dakota’s own mortal flesh.
Dakota’s hands reached down and firmly gripped the two shaking orbs of Noah’s buttocks, the fingers began to dig into the soft hot flesh and he could hear Noah’s soft moan of pleasure mingle with his own strident groan of desire. His body grew hotter as he pulled the young body closer, forcing the thick throbbing penis to push beyond his thigh and go past his own sweating groin. The touch of the hot cock head past his balls made his own penis jerk and sway as it was pressed between their two bodies. He felt the coiled muscles in Noah’s belly tighten and he pulled harder, forcing Noah in even more, forcing the hot throbbing pole to squeeze past even as his own legs clamped themselves tighter, trying to deny the throbbing pole any space.
Noah suddenly cried out and his body bucked and swayed in Dakota’s arms as his penis hurled itself forward, the hot press of Dakota’s flesh only adding to the pleasure that now raced from deep inside of Noah’s soul to pour itself out along the wide open tunnel that led out from the hot blood gorged pole. His body shook to the violent explosion and unlike all the other times, he didn’t feel ashamed, he didn’t feel like he had let Dakota down or ruined anything. This time he felt good as his body was held tightly in Dakota’s arms, his exploding body held close as the hot stream of his cream came cascading out and splattered all along the inside of Dakota’s inner thigh. He felt the sudden inhale of breath as the first stream struck the sizzling flesh of Dakota’s inside leg and it was like a whole new experience for him as he could feel the sudden press of Dakota’s own massive pole. He felt it jerk and grow hotter as his body shook and he felt a small tremor starting around the back where his own hands rested on Dakota’s body, and he could feel the boy’s muscles tightening even more as his body continued to empty itself of its first stream of milk.
His breath grew ragged as his body surrendered to the sudden explosion of love that began to roll down the inside of Dakota’s legs. He could feel the hot breath of Dakota on his shoulder and it only grew hotter as his body continued its wild gyration of motions. His groin was pressed hard into the body, his softening penis still dripping hot love from its gorged head and he could feel his own muscles slowly uncoiling, slowly relaxing as the force of his explosion started to end its wild torrent but the hot press of Dakota’s own hard member against his stomach seemed to be growing, becoming hotter and more pressing. Noah could feel the hard press as Dakota’s own body began to shake more, began to tremble with a pending sense of urgency that was confirmed by the rapid intake of breath and shallow breathes that now blew hotly across his neck and shoulders. The arms held him even tighter, squeezing him tighter, removing all space between their two sweating bodies. It was almost as if he was being sucked into the very flesh of Dakota’s body and he cried out as he felt the hard thick pole digging into his very stomach.
He heard a loud gurgling cry of pain and then a searing heat began to crawl up his body from where Dakota’s hard penis rested. He felt the hot liquid defying gravity as it was shot out from the huge cannon that was Dakota’s penis and he found his own hands clasped around the shaking and trembling back of his lover, holding him even tighter, squeezing him as if his very life depended on it. His body shook and tears rolled down from his eyes as he felt the hot thick cream rolling up his heaving stomach and onto his chest, their two bodies crushing each other, smearing the hot thick milk between them, making it like a hot glue that was binding them together. His head ached and the tears misted his eyes as he heard Dakota’s cries next to his ears.
The pain was so intense and yet so sweet that he wasn’t sure if it was pain or pure joy that was causing his chest to ache so hard. Every part of his body felt like it was being twisted and turned into shapes that were impossible for a human body to conform to, but his was and all the time he could feel the slow roll of Noah’s cooling cum travelling down his inner leg just as his own hard cock was rearing back, just as his own body was suddenly no longer his to command but was overtaken by its own secret desires. He felt the sharp pain of his balls slinging upwards, felt the heat inside his body boiling up as he grasped tightly to the shaking body in his arms.
Dakota couldn’t believe that this was happening, that his own body was about to explode without even the touch of a hand or the press of a lip. One part of him was suddenly shocked by the wild emotions that were suddenly released inside of his soul while the mind was off in shock, his heart being the only part that seemed to know and understand what was happening to him. He cried out as his hard thick cock suddenly seemed to explode, all feeling gone as all he could feel was a sudden exhilaration, a sudden release of all of his fears and doubts and he cried out, hearing his own voice garbled by the power of his emotions.
He knew his penis was only resting along the taut stomach of Noah and yet it felt almost as if he was indeed inside of the boy’s body. He could almost hear the heart pounding next to his own thundering heart and yet not quite, not fully but as his body continued to spew its milky love all over the shaking flesh, he knew inside that this was just a prelude to what was to come and he suddenly saw the image of his brother flash before his eyes. He cried silently as he saw that smile, that knowing look and that tell tale wink as if the image was really there, as if it was watching and giving its approval and his whole body continued to twist and turn and press inwards, devouring the flesh that stood before it and now he could hear it clearly, now he could feel Noah’s heart beating as well as hear it.
Tears rolled down his face that was now nestled deeply into the crook of Noah’s neck. He could feel them mingling with sweat and yet he didn’t feel embarrassed anymore as he held on, knowing that this was a beginning for him, a chance that he had never dreamed would come again to him but it was and he felt the joy coursing thru his whole body. He felt the tingle down in his toes and in each strand of his long hair. He felt so alive, so full of love that his hands grew even tighter, his clasp growing like a steel chain that nothing could severe and as he felt the strength of his own desire, he also could feel it coursing thru Noah’s own smaller body. He felt the power there and suddenly he was no longer afraid, but more than that he didn’t feel so alone anymore, so empty.
They stood there in the darkening night, the warm soft wind gently blowing across their shaking bodies and yet they saw nothing but each other. They stood there, feeling their love begin to form an unbreakable bond that no one could ever break and as they stood there, their cum mingled with their sweat to unite their souls for a brief second in time. Time seemed to stand still in awe of the force of their love as they held tightly to each other, slowly letting the force of their desire cool, slowly letting the shock of their wild show of desire for each other ease.
As the physical passion seemed to cool between them, Dakota could feel the passion within only growing warmer, only becoming more intense as finally they were able to stop their shaking, to hold less tightly onto each other because somehow, in some weird strange way they both knew that the other was never going to be far away, that the other would always be there to hold, to hug, to kiss and to love. Dakota’s body relaxed and he pushed his head up to stare finally into the liquid pools of Noah’s eyes. He saw the truth of their desire, of their love resting there and he felt the growing love reaching for him, reaching for his own love and he lifted his hand up, a finger gently wiping a tear from the corner of Noah’s face.
Dakota “God I love you Noah”
Noah “I… I know, I can feel it…”
Dakota smiled as he bent his head forward and lightly pressed his lips against Noah’s warm moist lips. He tasted the salty sweat and tears that had flowed around them and he reached out, holding onto Noah’s hand and slowly helped him to slink down to his knees. He too let his body sink down, and finally the two of them were stretched out on the open sleeping bags. He propped his head onto his hand as he turned to look down at Noah all stretched out, his face peering up at him with nothing but a shiny glow, a beaming ray of love that shown out from deep within Noah and he felt at peace as he let his one hand gently caress the sweaty chest, his eyes never leaving Noah’s adoring face.
Dakota “Me too…”
The Locker – Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Monday
Noah lifted his head up and stared at the long corridor. To one side lay a bank of lockers; to the other lay the open courtyard to the main outside lunch area. The area was particularly crowded this morning as the bussed students from Brock were trying to figure out where their lockers were, or at least where the one’s they would be sharing were. Already the school year had gotten off to a lousy start for Noah and now it was only getting worse, having to share a locker with someone. Granted it wasn’t the fault of the Brock High School kids that their school got torched over the weekend, but he had enough headaches to deal with. Already he was getting razzed about his screw up from last season, even though he thought it would be forgotten some kids loved to keep reminding everyone that he was different even though there was no proof. Least he didn’t think there was but it wasn’t like anyone cared.
Besides it wasn’t his fault, the damn drama teacher had made him play the part and he needed the grade. So it meant wearing a dress, it didn’t make him a fag like all the stupid jocks said, just cause they couldn’t act worth shit didn’t make drama a pussy sport as Hector said, like he’d know anyways.
His face was set in a scowl as he walked down the cement walkway towards where his locker was as he remembered the first day of school, only two weeks ago, but already it seemed like a year, when Hector had nailed him in the lunch enclave. At the top of his stupid bass voice he wanted to know if Noah had gotten any new dresses for this season, or was he going to just wear the same old frock. Christ what an ass he was and naturally the whole school laughed, like it was a big joke, but it didn’t stop there. Someone, and he was sure it was Hector and his gang of mental midgets had scrawled on his locker pussy boy, faggot, and even girlie boy, but no one cared, least the principle didn’t. Hell, the guy even made him clean it up, like it was his fault or something.
Things hadn’t gone easier the rest of the week either, his first assignment in science and he got teamed up with Marvin, which only gave Hector more to tease him about too. Marvin wasn’t exactly a bad person, but if you ever wanted to know what a stereotypical gay was all you had to do was look at Marvin. The guy had to have a swivel in his hips the way they kept swishing to and fro, and the high-pitched voice and hand gestures, Christ it was enough to make anyone yell ‘FLAMER’ and he got stuck with him first off. No discussion, no chance to weasel out and naturally Hector made a big deal of it, wanting to know if Marvin was ‘man enough’ for him or if they shared dresses after school. The science teacher, Mr. Wolcott laughed the loudest too which sure as hell didn’t help matters and now he was an easy target for everyone. It just wasn’t fair and he could see it only getting worse as the semester went on. Now he had a new ‘locker buddy’ and with his luck, it’d most likely be another Marvin.
As he came closer to his locker he could see a tall young guy standing near it, his head was turning to watch everyone passing by, and he had the most gorgeous long dark hair he had ever seen. The guy looked so friggin hot that Noah could feel his 6 inch cock already rising up. The guy was leaning two lockers away from his own and he wished that he would have been his locker buddy but no such luck, of that he was certain. Man, the way the guy looked so self assured, so confident and yet he was in a new school, one he hadn’t known before. Noah licked his lips as he wished he could luck out and seeing the locker he was leaning on, he really felt down, because it belonged to Rusty who he had a crush on last year. Now he was HOT and yet he didn’t seem to act like one who was perhaps the most popular guy on campus. Even as a sophomore he was popular among the seniors and now, well now there would be no competition for that honour.
Rusty was everyone’s favourite, the super student who had good grades, not honour roll but close, was a great athlete in Track and Swimming, and the most sought after date by every female in the school. He was liked by the teachers and everyone always seemed to hang on his every word, but he always said ‘hi’ to whoever passed by him. It was the one highlight of what was mostly a lousy day to see Rusty in the morning, and to have him smile and say hi. Christ, it wasn’t that he was queer or anything, and Noah knew that too, just that it did give him something to look forward to other than Hector’s hazing. He sighed, because he knew that as perfect as he thought Rusty was, Rusty laughed like the rest did when Hector teased him, but at least he didn’t start any of the comments. That was something wasn’t it?
He slowed down a bit as he came up to Rusty’s locker and his eyes couldn’t help but stare a little at the new kid. Christ he was so fucking hot that Noah was certain that he would cream his fucking drawers if the guy so much as said BOO to him. His eyes had that look, a certain gleam to them that just melted a person’s will to hide anything from his probing thoughts. It was like the guy was just so complete, so totally in charge of himself that you could feel his self-confidence. Shit, what he wouldn’t give to have one tenth of that confidence but then maybe if he looked that good he would, instead of looking like the male version of twiggy.
Christ everything about this new kid looked good. His hair was shoulder length, a dark rich brown colour that seemed to glimmer in the sunlight coming in from the sides, and his eyes were already enough to die for. His lips were thin and pale but they suited his long narrow face. The way his nose was just right for it and Noah could see the way each nostril flared a little as he breathed in. That in itself got his dick hard as he saw the chest push out and then in as the kid breathed. He wore a simply blue button down shirt, long sleeves but rolled up past his elbows and the skin was a deep golden tan colour, the kind that sun worshippers would kill for. The shirt fitted snugly and with each inhale of his lungs, you could see the buttons shake a little and the muscles in his stomach made the fabric ripple.
Noah tightened the grip on his books as he walked past, lowering his face but trying to sneak a peak from under his eyelids. He breathed in deeply smelling a sort of apple fragrance and wondered what type of shampoo he used, or if it was a soap scent, because whatever it was, it was friggin perfect. It just had the right hint of apple to it and if anything, it made him seem even more desirable. Shit, it would be all he needed now was to have the kid notice him gawking, it wouldn’t take Hector long to find out and add to his discomfort. Shit, he thought, as he moved past him towards his own locker where he stopped, turning his back to the new kid to help take his mind of the absolute rock hard chest and well built legs that the kid had. Nothing had ever felt like this before, the way his own breathing seemed to be labouring as he reached for the combination lock on the door and he knew his legs were trembling a little too as he just couldn’t shake the image of this new kid from his mind.
The tap on his shoulder startled him so much that the books under his arm went falling to the floor in an instant just as the soft voice asked if he was Noah. His head snapped to turn towards the offending person, his books at his feet, when his jaw fell open as he saw the hot new kid standing right next to him. He could smell that apple scent now and he knew it had to be soap and shampoo as he looked into the boy’s face, seeing the gleam in his deep dark brown eyes. He knew his mouth was open but he couldn’t speak, and he could feel his cock, it was moving around inside his pants and he felt the pressure in his crotch, praying he could keep himself together for a minute longer. His lungs ached as he tried to breath inwards, but the pounding of his heart seemed to get in the way, as it roared and his ears echoed to the harsh beat.
Kid “Uh, sorry, you Noah?”
He knew he couldn’t look at him, no way, not this early in the morning and he bent down quickly to gather up his fallen books, hoping he could keep his obvious desire hidden until he could get control over the raging thoughts that were passing into his mind. Noah was stuttering as he tried to answer, wishing for one brief instant that he had the type of confidence that he had seen in this kid’s face only moments earlier.
Noah “Uh, yeah, yeah that’s me, uh why?”
The kid squatted down on his legs; helping to pick up a book or two and his face was level with Noah’s as he spoke. Noah couldn’t help himself but the hardness of his groin was killing him and yet as he stared into the dark rich eyes, he felt like everything he had kept hidden was under assault. Every secret part of his mind, his heart, even his soul was suddenly flung open to the probing mind of the guy in front of him.
Kid “Didn’t mean to startle you, I am Dakota, guess we are supposed to share a locker?”
Noah “Dakota?”
Dakota “Yeah, it’s a long story, but all of us got named after states”
Noah “Uh, Dakota is a nice name, my folks liked the bible ones, uh, so, uh, sorry about being a dufus, uh I mean…”
Dakota “Cool, so uh, am I supposed, I mean, do I meet you here or how’s this work, never had to do this before.”
Noah “Huh? Oh, sorry, no I’ll give you the combination, its uh, shit, sorry, not been a good day”
Dakota “Didn’t mean to throw you off, want me to hold those while you open up?”
His heart started to pound even harder as he looked into Dakota’s face. God he was so fucking handsome, it was unreal how he looked and those eyes, shit he couldn’t stop himself from staring into them and yet he knew that he was making a total ass out of himself, he just couldn’t help it as he kept stuttering, wishing he had more balls. His mind was confused enough now it had this perfect face to drool over and he could feel the ache in his groin, feel it ripping deep into his soul and despite the panic he managed to suck in enough air to at least not hyperventilate.
Noah “Open up? Huh? Oh, shit, sorry, thanks”
He stood up, hoping that his obvious thoughts wouldn’t be that obvious as he handed over his books. His hand touched Dakota’s and he felt a sudden shock suddenly run through his whole body. His legs felt like rubber and he was certain he’d collapse if he didn’t move his hand away quickly. Christ, the touch was like a sudden burst of lightning had hit him and his eyes had strayed, looking down at Dakota’s hand and at the same time, he stole a quick look at the boy’s crotch, his mind already fantasizing about what lay inside those faded tight pair of jeans.
Dakota “you okay?”
Noah “Yeah, sorry, Monday you know?”
Dakota “Yeah, so, someone don’t like you?”
Panic seized him and he felt like someone had placed their hand deep into his chest, gripping it and squeezing it tightly as he trembled. His hand shook and the lock rattled against the metal of the locker door as he heard the soft-spoken question. Damn, what was this about?
Noah “Huh? No, why? What uh, I mean, uh…”
Dakota “The faded paint on the door, can still see it… Looks like someone…”
Noah “Oh that! No, no just some guys fooling around, no big deal, really”
Dakota “Cool, so, what’s this place like?”
Noah “Uh it’s okay, it’s well, it’s school”
Dakota “Yeah, school… never thought I’d say it, but I kind of, well never mind, can you write down the combination for me?”
Noah “Yeah sure, uh, I’ll just get this shit off the top shelf, you can have that if you want, or you prefer the bottom?”
Dakota “haha, don’t matter to me, either works”
Noah “Huh?”
Dakota “Nothing, inside joke, my brother, uh, he used… shit, sorry,”
Noah stared at Dakota, seeing him suddenly turn away and he could have sworn that the guy had tears in his eyes. Man it was strange, one second the guy was being happy, smiling even, which made him wish he could take a picture of him, the way his whole face seemed to light up as his lips parted and the smile formed across it, and then ‘wham’ he looked like the entire world had just ended.
Noah “Uh, you okay? I mean did I…”
Dakota “huh? No I am fine, sorry, thinking about my older brother, gets me bit sappy, not your fault”
Noah “Oh”
Dakota “Yeah”
Noah “Uh, here, this is the combination”
Dakota “Uh huh, well… thanks, now can you tell me where the science lab, uh, room 109 is?”
Noah “Sure, hang on sec and I’ll show you…”
Dakota “That’s okay, just point me in the right direction, I’ll find it”
Noah “No problem, I have that first period too, but uh, didn’t they give you a home room?”
Dakota “Shit, yeah, Mr Reese?”
Noah “That’s his right over there, the one with the all the girls standing by it, uh mine is the one next to it, if you wait for me after home room, I’ll show you the science lab, if you want”
Dakota “Sure? I mean… that would be great”
Noah “No problem, uh, we better go, Reese hates people coming late, I had him last year”
Dakota “Thanks, uh, sure you don’t mind showing me?”
Noah “No, no problem, like I said I have science first too, so…”
Dakota “Thanks”
He couldn’t help himself; the way Dakota moved down the hallway it was like he was gliding more than just walking. Every movement seemed so effortless as he headed towards the homeroom and all Noah could do was follow behind, his eyes almost bulging as he stared at the way the tight cheeks of Dakota moved from side to side. They looked so perfect, like tiny moons secured in a patch of faded blue, almost like a dawn’s early sky really and he cursed himself, knowing that as long as he kept thinking like this he was flirting with disaster. With his luck, Dakota would notice if he hadn’t yet, and then he’d really be in trouble. Least with Hector’s teasing, well it was because of drama, not like he had been caught making a move on someone, this, this would be way different and he lowered his head, feeling like he was walking headlong into trouble.
12:30 p.m.
He didn’t know why he was sitting out here, it was an open invitation for Hector and his buddies to harass him, but he just couldn’t stop himself from being here, after all Dakota would be here, and he just couldn’t get enough of watching him. Christ he felt like he was some love sick puppy dog the way he had followed him around, hell it had even made him late for English but he really didn’t care. To just be able to see him, to see his face light up as he spoke, or to see the way he simply moved was enough, well at least it would have to be.
The morning hadn’t been all that great but somehow it didn’t really matter. He seemed to feel like all that went on was just, well just an interlude really until he could be at his locker, to meet Dakota. He knew in his mind that he was building this up into something that would never happen and as he sat there, he spotted Dakota coming into the common area, a tray in his hand. For a brief second he thought that maybe if he stood up and waved that Dakota might actually come to sit with him, a dream that would last a long time but it never happened. He never stood up and as he sat there, feeling like a total coward he saw a girl walk up to the object of his desire.
She really wasn’t bad looking, short though but she had really amazing long hair, and then to his hearts dismay he saw Dakota laugh and tussle her hair and then he placed his arm over her shoulder and together they walked off to another end of the courtyard. His whole spirit seemed crushed as he stared in their direction, watching them sit side by side, their faces constantly turned towards each other, she laughing at something, tossing her head back and his own hand reached around to brush his shorter hair off his ears. Damn, why did SHE have to show up he thought as he chewed on his sandwich, not even tasting it really as his thoughts were all focused on Dakota and the new girl.
Funny, he knew in his mind that there never would be anything more between him and Dakota other than being locker buddies, yet in his heart he could feel a growing dislike for that pert little girl with the long dark flowing hair that sat with him. He couldn’t explain it if forced to, but he was already thinking of her as some tramp from Brock that had her hooks into his man, his Dakota. He shook his head as he reached for his milk carton, taking a long swig of the white liquid, wondering if Dakota liked milk and not the cold kind either. Christ, he was becoming an absolute idiot he thought as he wrenched his head away from Dakota and the girl. She had to be putting out, that had to be it and he grew angry at that thought, of Dakota and her writhing together in some bed, his lean tanned body towering over her small frame. It all flashed before him and the anger sparkled in his eyes as he turned to stare at them, to see his arm once more around her shoulders.
Marvin “Man you look pissed, Hector at it again?”
He hadn’t even noticed Marvin coming in let alone sitting down next to him. Christ, it was bad enough to have put up with him in Science, and worse, to have let Dakota see him with Marvin. Why couldn’t Marvin have been sick or something today, and why did that fucking asshole Wolcott have to make him his lab partner? Damn it really was annoying and now here he was, like shit sticking to the bottom of your boot, sitting next to him and worse, talking to him. How the hell could Dakota not notice that, and make the quantum leap that he and Marvin were friends?
Noah “No Hector isn’t at it again, and what business is it of yours anyway?”
Marvin “Shit, no reason to bite my head off, just trying to be friendly.”
Noah “Yeah well your friendship I don’t need, I got enough headaches as it is”
Marvin “uh, sorry, didn’t mean to, uh sorry”
Marvin got up and started to walk away when Noah realized how what he said must feel, knowing they were hurtful because they would really hurt if say Dakota had said them to him, and before Marvin could get too far, he called him back.
Noah “Sorry, I, I didn’t really mean it the way it sounded, I guess it’s, well, it’s just been a tough few weeks”
Marvin “I understand, look its okay Noah, I guess I just assumed, well… sorry, I’ll uh head off, not really safe to be here anyhow”
Noah “No, please, look I didn’t mean it that way, you can sit here if you want”
Marvin “Thanks, but, I think not, I mean, hell I don’t even know why I came in the first place, guess I was day dreaming”
Noah “I really didn’t mean it Marvin, please, I feel bad enough, honest I am just in a mood I guess.”
Marvin “Yeah, you did look kind of pissed, that’s why, I mean, I know it isn’t easy, Hector can be real nasty, but he’ll get over bugging you, soon as this science thing is over, he’ll move on”
Noah “I know, it is just, shit, I didn’t really do anything to give him the idea that, well, that…”
Marvin “I know, one of the downsides of being in the drama club, why I dropped it last year”
Noah “You were in the drama club?”
Marvin “Yeah, well not really in it, I was signing up and… hell it doesn’t matter does it? Don’t let Hector get to you Noah, he isn’t worth it”
Noah turned away from watching Dakota and the girl to look at Marvin. For a brief instant he was sure that he saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt that he had caused but then as he looked a bit closer, he realized that it wasn’t just from his stupid words, but was something that went a lot deeper. For the first time he took a long look at Marvin, seeing the way his hair was askew, a sort of rumpled look to it. In many ways it seemed to suit his face, a rather thin pale one and yet, if you looked at him long enough you could see a sort of, well shine underneath. It was almost as if there was something hidden under the skin, just waiting for the right time to come out and yet as he looked in the boys eyes, all he could see was a whole lot of pain and shame even.
Noah “I don’t, well for the most part I don’t, he ride you a lot?”
Marvin “Hector? Yeah some, he’s a jerk but fairly harmless, it’s the others, the one’s who you never really see, they are the one’s who are the worst”
Noah “The others? What others?”
Marvin had a strange far away look in his face, and for a brief moment or two Noah was sure he saw terror and hatred inside of Marvin’s face. Weird really, to see someone that had been the butt of most jokes about gays look the way he did, the anger that was inside seemed to dark, so complete that it scared him as he saw it, and he wondered just what was it that had Marvin feeling that way.
Marvin “The one’s who spur the Hector’s on, guy’s like Rusty for instance”
Noah “Oh come on, Rusty? No way man, he’s too cool for that, I mean, shit, he even helped me clean up my locker after Hector, well after it got written on”
Marvin “Yeah I noticed, and that’s why he’s more dangerous, he’s the type who gives the Hector’s the ideas, then he sits back and acts like the great guy that everyone can look up to, no Noah, don’t be fooled by the likes of him, he’s more of a threat than Hector ever could be, least Hector, he’s out in the open with his hatred… Look, I should get going, uh, thanks anyways, but this isn’t a place I want to be at, just, well, just don’t let it get to you, okay? I mean, well, you are one of the nice guys, see you”
Before he could think of anything to say to Marvin’s words, Marvin was up and heading down the corridor away from the area. Strange, he still couldn’t believe what Marvin had said about Rusty, it just couldn’t be true. Rusty was one of the really nice guys, even if he was the most popular, he never seemed to make you feel like, well like he was condescending. Marvin had to be wrong, maybe it was just that he had thoughts about Rusty and let them get too far, maybe he even said something and got rebuffed, that would explain it, wouldn’t it?
Whatever else was going on, this was certainly turning out to be a different day for him and as he turned back to stare once more at Dakota he took in a deep breathe, because he saw Rusty, standing right next to Dakota. God, to see those two together like that was almost numbing, blinding really as both of them were total hunks in their own ways. Dakota though seemed to have an edge, mainly because he just seemed so much more at ease than Rusty, something Noah had never noticed before. Wild, how listening to someone’s paranoia could make you see things that you had missed before, but the way Rusty was standing, it was almost as if he was nervous, in a very quiet way. Now what would Rusty need to feel nervous about with Dakota and that bimbo that was obviously in love with Dakota?
Sitting there, he wondered if maybe Rusty was feeling that Dakota would give him a run for most popular? Dakota sure had the looks and his smile, he still could see the way his face lit up and yet there was something else about Dakota, something that he hadn’t ever seen in Rusty’s face at all, a sort of defiant confidence or maybe it was a strength of some kind. Whatever it was, it only added fuel to the crazy thoughts that swirled around inside his head and he sat there, enjoying lunch for the first time this school year, enjoying it because he was day dreaming, enjoying a mirage of him and Dakota, fending off the advances of no less than Rusty himself, and he felt the heat rising up and he looked once more towards where Dakota was sitting.
Maybe it was life’s way of bringing him down to earth but it wasn’t a scene he particularly wished to have seen at that moment. His fantasy quickly vanished as he saw Dakota stand up and then bend down to kiss the girl on her cheek, and then watch her kiss him back, on his cheek. Damn, hell of a way to ruin a nice hot fantasy but then he should have known better, even in his dreams they rarely ended with him riding off in the sunset with the hot stud, so what could he expect in the real world? He couldn’t explain why he felt so sad as he put his tray away and he too headed off to get on with school. He had his books with him and even as he thought about going back to the locker, he knew that it would be useless, that Dakota would be long gone by now so he trudged on down the hallway, away from the locker.
He looked at his watch, the dial glowing a bit and he stood back up, feeling a bit sad actually as he stared down one end of the corridor and then down the other end, still not seeing who he had expected. Maybe he had been wrong, but he didn’t think so, but he just didn’t have time to dwell on it as he headed away from the locker, heading off towards his next class. Maybe later, or maybe not, but he could always hope.
2:45 p.m.
Noah came around the corner and stopped, as he saw the small figure staring at the spot that was his, well his and Dakota’s now and he grew disgusted, recognizing the figure as the girl that had been throwing herself all over Dakota at lunch. God, wasn’t it bad enough that she was the one sitting next to him at lunch, now she was intruding on what he thought was his only time to live in his fantasy world. Well, he’d tell her, he thought as he walked towards the locker, seeing her turn to stare at him.
For a minute he blinked, seeing the way she looked at him, the way her eyes seemed to peer at him and for a minute he wasn’t sure if he was having a really bad nightmare or what but he was certain that he could see, but no that couldn’t be, it was impossible. He had just spent way too much time daydreaming and that was all there was to it. He came up to the locker and looked at her, sort of daring her to speak but she just waited, and stared down at the floor before once more looking up at him.
He was about to say something to her when he turned to see Dakota coming down the hallway and he noticed how her face lit up, the way she suddenly straightened up as if her day had just been capped off. It was weird, cause it was sort of how he wished he could feel, to know that Dakota was coming for him, but he knew that was silly, yet he did feel a sort of jealous pang at the way she looked, the way her whole face had once more lit up like a Christmas tree. It just wasn’t fair as he turned away to concentrate on opening the locker, trying desperately to ignore her presence, but as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t do it. She even smelled like Dakota, that same apple fresh scent wafted past him and he banged his knuckle as the lock refused to pop open and he had to start all over again.
Dakota “Hey you made it, cool, any trouble finding it?”
Girl “Nope, exactly where you said”
Dakota “Great, so you meet Noah?”
Girl “No, he just got here, but you were right”
It was almost as if he wasn’t even there, and just what was Dakota right about? Had they talked about him at lunch, and just who was she? Noah had to admit though, she was kind of good looking for a girl, and she had a lot of Dakota’s looks in her face, the way her eyes seemed to sparkle just like his, but then if he had someone like Dakota to moon over, his eyes would sparkle too or so he thought. For the life of him he couldn’t explain why he was going off on the deep end over Dakota and trying to put himself into the mix, it wasn’t like he even knew the guy’s last name or even what he liked, but something about him had tweaked his imagination, Christ whatever it was had gotten his imagination working overtime. That in itself was dangerous enough but this uncontrollable jealousy, that was something very new for Noah and it worried him, worried him that he’d wind up shooting his mouth off and get into more trouble than he wanted.
Noah “Excuse me?”
Dakota “Nothing man, say hi to
Noah “
Noah “Uh, yeah I… you two related?”
Dakota “Christ yeah, this is my little sister, I mean shit you don’t think there are two sets of parents going around calling all their kids after states do you?”
It was like he had suddenly been set free from years of captivity as wild images of him and Dakota together flashed before him. Hell he could even see himself reaching out, touching that golden flesh that just seemed so frigging enticing that once more he felt his body reacting, a state he had found himself in for most of the day and all because of this stranger from
Noah “Uh, well, shit, sorry, I uh thought she might be your girlfriend…”
Noah saw the way she had cocked her head to one side and in that very instant he saw the family resemblance, and it struck him how much alike the two were. He also couldn’t help but notice the sly grin that she had on her face and yet he also felt her staring at him, her eyes almost bulging open and yet the probing intensity made him feel like he was on inspection or something. The grin on her face helped ease the sudden tension inside, and yet as his eyes tried, they couldn’t break the contact, as if she was holding them there by her very will.
Dakota “Oh be quiet, you gonna make Noah think we are as loony as our folks”
Dakota “Oh shut up”
Dakota “
It was all going so fast for him, the way the two of them seemed to just feed off each other and yet in Dakota’s voice he sensed a sort of hesitation, a sense of hesitation even. Strange, the brief times he had spoken he had this impression of someone totally in control over their emotions and yet now, watching him with his sister, it wasn’t the same. He still seemed in control but there was something else, something hidden maybe but whatever it was, he found himself falling even more for the guy, the ache in his body threatening to once more embarrass him in public.
Noah “Yes?”
Noah “Burger King over a few blocks”
Noah “Huh? Come with, I mean…”
Dakota “Yeah why don’t you Noah? You can show me where it is and hell, I’ll even spring for a junior whopper…”
Dakota “
Arizona “Hey don’t get bent out of shape, sorry Noah, didn’t mean to be so, crude, nerves, I say stuff I shouldn’t when I am nervous, really, I am not normally this much of a tease, honest”
He could feel the sweat on the palms of his hands, and he was certain that his entire forehead was nothing more than a seething river of sweat but the idea of knowing what Dakota looked like naked was almost too much. What he wouldn’t give to find out if what she said was true or not and yet something in the back of his mind felt fear, like perhaps he was heading into the path of a runaway train even. Noah couldn’t explain it, but as much as he wished to spend every possible second in Dakota’s presence, smelling that lingering apple scent, he also felt the fear that such an association could bring to him.
Noah “No problem, uh… thanks but I, I mean…”
Dakota “Please Noah, I know it’s a pain to have to put up with sassy mouth here and me, but I don’t know this part of town well, and we have to get some dinner before we head off to work, it really would help us out if you could…”
Noah “Work? Uh…”
Arizona “Yeah we both have after school jobs, its our only chance to grab something without rushing, please, it really would help, I mean, we are kind of, well, lost out here, besides Dakota needs bulking up, don’t you think he’s too skinny for a guy? I do, and this way maybe he’ll, oh hell, I am being a pest, sorry, but, well, please, will you come?”
The way she looked at him and at Dakota and then him again, he didn’t know what was happening. First to even think that Dakota was interested in letting him hang around him was something shocking and then when he thought there was no chance for his dreams, to find she was his sister and now this? He could feel the hard dick in his pants jerking a bit and his mind was conjuring up so many different images, he didn’t know if he was really there or if this was just part of his fantasy, but how could he not go with them? He might regret it, hell he was certain he would regret it, but the power of his imagination was too strong for him.
Noah “I didn’t know, sure if you really mean it, I’ll show you where to go, I thought you guys from Brock came in buses, how are you, I mean won’t you miss your bus back?”
Dakota “I drove here, the family beater so to speak”
Dakota “Fuck I know, okay? Please
Dakota “Okay, just relax, okay? Look, go wait for us at the car, I gotta put my books away, we wont be far behind, okay?”
Dakota “I know, its okay, I am not mad”
Dakota “We won’t be, right Noah?”
Noah “Uh yeah, not long at all”
Noah watched her briefly as she went down the corridor, his attention turning more towards the tall handsome stranger that had magically appeared into his life today. He couldn’t believe how hot Dakota looked and he stared, seeing the way he kept watching his sister leave, his eyes never leaving her and he even noticed how his body seemed all tensed up, as if he was ready to pounce on anyone or anything that got in her way. Strange but as he watched the body language of this strange new guy, he realized that what he was watching was love, total love by Dakota for his younger sister and suddenly he felt weird, as if he was intruding on something very special, something that he envied, wishing someone would look at him in that way, sort of. The beat of his heart grew stronger and he wiped his hands on his pants, feeling a strange exhilaration at being party to such a scene, wondering if maybe there was hope for him and Dakota, not so much as what his mind wanted, but more as a friend or something.
Funny, the idea of having Dakota as a friend seemed to quiet his fear, his panic that he was heading for trouble and he felt the beads of sweat slow down and it was like something had reached out and rocked him into a state of calmness. His nerves no longer jangled and as much as he still thought Dakota was hot, he also seemed to be seeing something else, that as much as the guy seemed so in charge, so in control, there was a sensitive side of him that was hidden, that was lurking behind that mask of absolute control.
Dakota “Sorry about her, it really isn’t her fault, she’s uh, she’s got this disorder thing, makes her real hyper at times, she says the first thing that pops into her head, gets a bit embarrassing at times”
Noah “It’s okay, no explanations needed, uh, you sure you want me to tag along?”
Dakota “Yeah, you been about the only friendly face in this place, how the hell do you stand it here man?”
Noah “It’s not that bad”
Dakota “Christ, feels like I am in a pit of snakes, man some of the dudes here are sure weird”
Noah “They just a bit cliquish, you’ll fit in though, you play any sports?”
Dakota “used to, but don’t have the time anymore”
His heart suddenly began to ache for Dakota, the way his voice had sounded so lost, so empty really and he had this raging desire to just want to reach out and hug him, to bring him close into his body to curl his arms around Dakota and comfort what seemed to be his pain. Noah didn’t understand it but as he stared at Dakota, he was sure that if the conversation went further that he would see tears and that thought made him tremble, made him think that he could actually feel the pain in Dakota.
Rusty “Hey Dakota right? Hi Noah”
The sound of the deep voice startled him and he stepped back to see Rusty standing there. He hadn’t even seen him walk up and yet something seemed different this time. He had been so lost in his own thoughts about Dakota that he everything else had been blocked out and now the world was once more in focus, or so it seemed. Noah noticed how Dakota suddenly changed, his body suddenly tightening up, and the pain he thought he had seen in Dakota’s face was now gone, a strange mask of indifference in its place.
Noah “Hi Rusty”
Dakota “Hey”
Rusty “Look, some of us are heading over to Burger King, why don’t you join us if you got the time, you too Noah if you want”
Dakota “Well I don’t know man…”
Rusty “It will give you a chance to meet the gang, say Noah, you should talk to the Janitor man, maybe he can give you something stronger to get the rest of that scribbling off your locker”
Damn, he would have to bring that up wouldn’t he? Shit, now he’d have to explain it to Dakota and there went the fucking ballgame. No way would Dakota risk being seen with him now, no quiet time at Burger Kind or anywhere else. Shit, maybe Marvin was right about Rusty, maybe he wasn’t the super guy he had thought?
Noah “Uh, yeah, sure Rusty”
Dakota “I noticed that, someone go writing on your locker man?”
Rusty “Yeah couple of idiots thought it was a big joke, just cause Noah here played a girls part in last years drama play”
Dakota “Oh? Made you wear a dress uh? Drama teachers can be so fucking cruel”
Rusty “Yeah, you played the part good too, but you know how some guys get, stupid really”
Dakota “Yeah”
Was he dreaming? Did Dakota seem to move closer to him as Rusty spoke and the way his eyes flashed, a sort of anger or no, maybe it was more like hatred seemed to flash from Dakota’s eyes towards Rusty, but that couldn’t be, could it? Noah was feeling a bit flushed, he had expected Dakota to have laughed or made some comment, instead he was defending him, standing up to Rusty no less and as he had watched, he could see that even Rusty was confused by Dakota’s response. Shit, maybe Marvin had been right about Rusty after all but what about Dakota? Was he the same as Rusty except maybe better at it? Noah could feel the confusion rising but one thing he knew, Burger King was out and that pissed him off. He had really been thinking how it could be fun, to just spend time talking to Dakota and even his sister. She sure did speak her mind it seemed and now that was all gone.
Noah “It was no big deal, really, doesn’t bug me, they can think what they want”
Rusty “That’s the spirit Noah, so how about it Dakota, going to join us?”
Dakota “Uh, wish I could Rusty but uh, maybe some other time, I have to get to work and all”
Rusty “Oh? Okay, well sure another time then, uh see you later Noah”
Noah “Yeah, sure”
Dakota “Aren’t you going to go?”
The way he spoke, soft and yet in some way it was like an accusation or maybe even a taunt, but if it was a taunt, it wasn’t directed at him but more towards Rusty and suddenly he felt a strange glow inside as well as a rising sense of panic. What was happening here? His mind was in a fog, too much dreaming about Dakota and now suddenly the object of his dreams was actually standing up for him, and not to Hector or some other jock, but to the most popular guy in school, he was taunting Rusty, for him, Noah.
Noah “Uh, no, no I have to get home, so…”
Dakota “Uh huh, come on, I’ll give you a lift then, seeing as how we go right by your place”
Rusty “You got your own wheels?”
Dakota “Sort of, my older brothers car, uh, we gotta run, thanks for the offer man, another time, ‘kay?”
Rusty “Huh? Oh yeah, sure well, catch you tomorrow… “
Dakota “yeah, tomorrow”
This was too unreal, too confusing as he stumbled along, watching Dakota brush by him and toss his books into the opened locker and then close it. He was no more than an inch or two at best from Dakota, the closest he had ever been to another guy really and he could smell that strange apple scent, it made his heart thunder and his pulse race as he could feel the warmth coming from Dakota’s body. For a second he thought he would faint as he felt the hard jerk in his pants, knowing that the strange jolt that was running suddenly up and down his entire body was also spilling out from his hard throbbing groin. Panic was reaching for him but the scent of Dakota was holding it back, and he could even hear the short but powerful gasps for air that Dakota’s lungs were making.
Dakota “Ready?”
Noah “Huh? Oh yeah, sure”
Dakota “Great, let’s go”
Dakota moved in front of Noah as if to shield him and placed his body between him and Rusty. His hands were at his side and he stared at Rusty, as if he was making up his mind about something, the way he looked at him, almost as if the two were sizing each other up, like two bull elephants about to clash for dominance over the herd.
Dakota “Thanks again Rusty, another time”
Rusty “Sure, no sweat”
Dakota “Cool”
He quickly turned and started to walk, his body shielding Noah’s from Rusty as they passed by and he could see the eyes darting every which way, as if they were checking for lurking danger and yet he never turned his head away from the exit. Noah wasn’t sure what he was feeling, he knew that he had witnessed something that he never thought possible, that someone like Dakota would actually choose him, his company, over being with someone like Rusty, the most sought after boy in the school. It felt weird and as he walked, he felt his softening dick rubbing against the wet patch and as much as he wanted to run out and race home with embarrassment, he knew he couldn’t do that, least not just yet. Silently he prayed that Dakota wouldn’t notice, or at least not say anything but as they headed towards the student parking lot he was certain that as much as Dakota might not say something, if his sister saw the wet patch on his pants she sure as hell would. His heart sank as they rounded the corner and the student parking lot opened up before them.
The steady gait suddenly slowed and he felt like Dakota was going to say something, or at least that he wanted to but wasn’t sure how. Strange, it was like a whole new world suddenly opened up for him as he contemplated what it was that Dakota might say but what was really weird for him was how he suddenly seemed able to guess at Dakota’s mood, knowing that he was close to the truth if not right.
Noah “Uh, about Burger King, sorry that, well…”
Dakota “What are you sorry for?”
Noah “You would have gone if I hadn’t been there, I mean you really didn’t have to…”
Dakota “No you are wrong, I wouldn’t have gone, not with someone like Rusty”
Noah “No? But, I mean, why not? He’s one of the most if not the most popular kid in school, why wouldn’t…”
Dakota “Don’t like phonies, he’s not real, sorry, he a friend of yours? I mean you two sort of sounded like it…”
Noah “Me and Rusty? I don’t think so, he is just, well… polite?”
Dakota “Fuck that, you can have that politeness, sorry… it is just, I don’t know, guess it’s my own nerves, bitch at Arizona for hers and here I am not really any better, sorry.”
Noah “That’s okay, uh, there is a McDonald’s but it’s not close by, uh which way you heading?”
Dakota “Well, to your place first, then over to the train yards, the Pay ‘n Pak is where I work,
Noah “My place? Uh, look really you don’t have to, I can walk…”
Dakota “Why? I said I’d give you a lift, you don’t want to make a liar out of me do you?”
Noah “No, just, well I thought you were saying that to, well, to uh, shit…”
Dakota “No, I don’t use people for an excuse, sorry, guess I am a bit wound up, so, which way you live?”
Noah “You serious? I mean, shit I feel like an ass”
Dakota “Christ, what ever for?”
Noah “I don’t know… I mean why you doing this? Rusty can make things easier for you here, why did you brush him off for me?”
Dakota “I don’t know, maybe the same reason you shot your wad in your pants when I was next to you?”
His heart suddenly stopped and he felt an icy chill in his body as he stopped walking. Every part of his body trembled from fear as he turned his face towards Dakota and stared into the boy’s deep rich eyes. Noah had no idea how he found the courage to look at Dakota, but as his own eyes made contact with Dakota’s he felt a glow inside, a happiness that belied the fear he was feeling in his mind.
All sorts of things went racing thru his mind and yet, looking into Dakota’s face he didn’t see derision, or anything like that. It was almost as if Dakota understood, as if he knew what Noah had been thinking about him and that it didn’t matter to him. His nerves were definitely on edge; his legs even trembled a little as he tried to figure out what to say next.
Noah “I, I… shit, I mean… Dakota it isn’t, hell…”
Dakota “Look, this isn’t, I mean, can we get into the car? I really don’t think we want to talk about this out here, do we?”
Noah “No, no guess not, it is just, I mean… fuck I don’t know what to do, what to say, I never… I didn’t mean to embarrass you or give you, fuck…”
He was certain that in a second he would break down and start bawling his eyes out when he felt a soft gentle touch on his shoulder. Dakota had his hand lightly on his shaking arm. He felt the strange warmth again and deep inside he felt a renewed sense of hope that what he had been wishing for, had been hoping for really was possible, that maybe Dakota was real, and if he wasn’t, well he prayed he’d never wake up from this dream.
Dakota “You didn’t, now come on,
Noah “Yeah, okay… fuck is that your car?”
Dakota “Yeah, well I guess, it was my brother’s”
Noah “SHIT, it is, I mean it’s in mint shape, wow”
The 1968 Mustang convertible rumbled into life at the flick of Dakota’s wrist and he could feel the power of the engine as they backed out of the parking spot, his head spinning as he sat next to Dakota, smelling him and wondering too what he had meant, what all of this meant as they left the school behind. He had seen Rusty’s face flash by as they past him getting into his 2002 PT Cruiser. Noah wasn’t sure, but it had seemed as if Rusty had a look of anger on his face, anger as well as maybe envy? There was no doubt that the deep blue Mustang had something to it, the rich white interior only adding to the beauty of the car and he finally was able to turn to look at Dakota as he drove down the street. There was something almost mystical about him, the way he looked was like he belonged behind the small steering wheel of this car, and his hand rested so easily on the stick shift in the centre console, like it belonged there and he felt the warm wind on his face and settled back into the soft leather bucket seat.
Whatever else happened from this point on he didn’t really care, because right now he was in heaven as far as he was concerned. He had thought his life would be over if Dakota had noticed he had cummed but instead it was almost as if Dakota took it as a compliment. It was all too strange for him, first to see someone with Dakota’s looks toss Rusty aside for him, then to just accept his, well his accident for lack of a better term, was too much. Noah just knew that for this moment, he felt alive, felt like he really was human and not just an empty shell.
11:30 p.m.
Noah sat there, staring at the book lost in his thoughts once more. It had been like this ever since he had gotten home from school and he doubted if he’d get much sleep either, all the crazy thoughts flashing thru his mind and all but maybe it was just his imagination? Maybe Dakota was really a dream, a figment of his imagination but then, he had been awake all day, so he had to be real, it was just that, well stuff like this didn’t happen to him, he wasn’t a jock, wasn’t a dog either but he wasn’t special, he was ordinary so why would someone like Dakota show any interest, care if he was alive even? It just didn’t make any sense to him and there were other things too.
The ride home had been silent for the most part, other than for
They had decided to not stop anywhere else, and
The car had a nice ride to it and when they came to his place, he felt like he was still up in the stratosphere or something. The way Dakota had smiled at him, asking if he wanted a lift to school in the morning, and all that. It was almost as if Dakota was really wanting to spend time with him, and he had almost jumped for joy when even
Even his parents had noticed how he was acting, his dad actually asking him if he was falling for some girl or something. Christ if his dad only knew the truth, he would drop dead on the spot, but then again maybe not. His dad wasn’t all that bad and come to think of it, when he had told him about the part in the play last year, his dad hadn’t said a word about it, other than they would look forward to seeing him perform. Strange, how sometimes parents could surprise you but then sometimes the surprises weren’t exactly pleasant either.
He had heard about how some parents when finding out about their kid had simply tossed the kid out, and it always scared him, ever since he was certain that he was different that one day he might just find himself an orphan, not from death but from choice, and not his either. Strange, you always heard about kids coming out, or being outed, and even watching shows like Queer as Folks didn’t come close to the panic that you could feel just thinking your parents would find out. Not everyone was as strong as the JUSTIN character seemed to be, and he sure as hell doubted if his fellow students would be happy with just needling him or laughing at him. Hell they didn’t know for sure now and already his life was pure hell, at least until today it had been.
Noah sighed as his hand once more reached down to his groin, once more touching the hard throbbing flesh of his dick that rested in his fourth pair of shorts tonight. Man he had it bad, he knew that and just laying on his bed thinking about Dakota had given him such wild pleasure, such immense joy that he couldn’t believe it even. He had jerked off many times, but never did he feel like he had felt this time around. Hell, he barely had to touch his hard dick the first time, the way it just shot a load of cum so hard he had a hell of a time catching his breath afterwards. Worse, was that by the time he had calmed down enough to pull his shorts back up, the friggin jizz had dried all over his balls and inner thighs, and he had to eat dinner feeling that dried cum each time he moved.
The shower after was great though, the hot steamy spray and the warm foaming soap was unreal as his mind continued with its fantasy about Dakota. He had the poor guy nailing him so many different ways that he was sure he would break off his dick. His mind tried to picture it too, dredging up lots of images but they were never clear, never totally focused and yet each time he thought about what Dakota would look like nude, laying on his bed, it always was cloudy, yet he could still hear
This constant fear of fucking up was getting on his nerves too, but what could he do? He still didn’t know how or what Dakota thought about his earlier accident, the one by the locker and it gnawed at him. What if he was just biding his time, what if he was waiting till he was the other guys, and sprung it then? Christ, he could just hear Hector now, the way he would heckle him mercilessly, and what about Rusty? That too bugged him, ever since Marvin had warned him too, which had scared him a bit. He knew that Marvin was constantly being teased in class and all, but the way Marvin talked it seemed to be more serious than that. He just couldn’t imagine that anyone would hurt Marvin but then you did hear about that, after all he didn’t think Mathew Sheppard had expected to be left for dead by those guys, but it happened. Maybe he was naïve, maybe he just wanted to believe that people weren’t so cruel and yet, he knew he was just kidding himself.
Christ, if there was one way to get his dick soft he had just found it, and he grimaced as he heard a low rumble coming from outside. For a minute he thought it sounded a lot like Dakota’s car but he glanced at the clock on his desk, knowing it couldn’t be his car. No way would he be here at this time of night and besides, why would he show up here? It wasn’t like they were boyfriends or anything, but shit that would be something and once more he could feel his groin aching, once more his dick grew hard inside his shorts and this time, he knew he wouldn’t deny it, wouldn’t let it go soft without first once more exploring the depths of his imagination.
Noah stood up and switched off the desk lamp, and as he walked towards his bed, he heard the rumbling noise getting closer. He smiled as he thought about Dakota, about how handsome he looked when he drove off in the deep blue Mustang after dropping him off. God what a sight that was, he could still see him, the way he climbed into the driver’s side, and how he had stopped and stared over at him, and his hand moved down his chest, feeling the trembling excitement building in his body as images of the real Dakota and the fantasy one merged.
He shrugged his bathrobe off, letting it fall to the floor and he turned around, trying to decide if he wanted to walk towards the door and flick off the main light or leave it until after he finished his dream. Looking at the far off switch, he thought he would just leave it on for now, and the sudden silence startled him. The low heavy rumble of whatever car it was had gone and he sighed, wishing that it hadn’t stopped. The sound reminded him so much of Dakota, of the pleasure he had felt in just sitting next to him in those white leather seats.
The tapping sound didn’t register at first, his mind lost to the images of sitting in that Mustang, stars shining over their heads, the car looking out over the town from up on Robert’s bluff, the lights twinkling and all, but finally the noise penetrated his dream and he realized that it was coming from his window. He rushed over to it, wondering who or what it was that was tapping and as he pushed aside the drape, he caught his breath because he couldn’t be imagining it, could he?
His hand shook as he pushed open the tall window and as he did, he realized that he wasn’t dreaming, that it was Dakota standing there. His heart raced faster and he could hear its deep booming thunderous beat echo in his head, nothing could penetrate that loud booming noise and yet when Dakota spoke, it cut through the rolling thunder like a hot knife thru butter.
Dakota “Uh, can I come in?”
Noah “Huh? Yeah, yeah sure, uh, course, come on in”
He stepped back from the sill, watching first one leg reach up and over the low sill, then another, as two strong hands gripped the window frame on either side. His mouth was open and he was certain that his jaw was resting on the carpet as he saw the head duck inside and then like magic, there stood Dakota. He was puffing a bit but he had the most gorgeous smile he had ever seen and his heart continued to thunder as he watched Dakota turn and pull close the two windows and then turn to face him again.
Noah couldn’t believe it, and as Dakota turned to close the window, he pinched his arm, feeling the sharp pain and he knew it wasn’t a dream, that Dakota was really here and he felt the sudden warmth rising up from inside of him. His eyes couldn’t leave the tall handsome figure that was bending over to grab at the window handles and he noticed the firm buttocks again, just as he had this morning when Dakota had walked towards his homeroom. God they still looked perfect to him and it hit him then, that he was standing in his fully lit bedroom with only a pair of shorts on, stretched tight by the raging hard on inside. He felt the blush and he gulped quickly uncertain what to do.
Dakota “Thanks, uh, sorry for, I mean, your light was on, so I thought I’d, I mean I didn’t wake you or anything did I?”
Noah “Huh? No, no, I was, uh, what are you, I mean, why are you here? It is, I mean, shit…”
Dakota “haha, you always talk in riddles or just when some strange guy crawls thru your bedroom window?”
Noah “Always, I mean, no, never, shit, it is just, I didn’t expect you to show up, I was…”
Dakota “Oh? Hmm I don’t know, kind of looks to me like perhaps you were waiting for someone, so uh who is the lucky guy then? Haha”
Noah looked straight at Dakota and saw that his eyes were lowered, that they were fixed firmly at his waist and he could feel the pre cum oozing out from the tip of his hard dick. Christ, he didn’t know what to say or do and he began to tremble even more now, praying that he wouldn’t have another of those moments like he had earlier. He didn’t know what to say, and as the words bounced around in his confused mind he raised his face to see Dakota smiling at him. There was something about how he looked, and the gleam in his face was unreal, it tugged at his heart that was already in overdrive.
Noah “I… I wasn’t expecting anyone, uh… fuck stop staring, please… I don’t want, I mean, fuck…”
Noah turned away, tears welling up in his eyes as he tried to control his thoughts, wishing his body would cool off, wishing also that Dakota would hold him, would touch him and knowing that he was being a complete ass.
Dakota “Hey, I am sorry Noah, Please… I didn’t mean to tease you, honest”
The words didn’t make sense to him but the sound, the way he spoke was almost like he meant it, like he really did care how he felt and he sniffled a little and then froze, as he felt Dakota’s hand on his shoulder.
Noah “Sorry, I guess, I don’t know, shit, how did you know what I been thinking?”
Dakota “I don’t really, maybe I am just, I don’t know, sort of hoping that that is the reason…”
Noah “You? SHIT!”
Dakota moved back as Noah turned to face him, his eyes showing disbelief at what Dakota had said so bluntly, so matter of fact. They looked at each other and Dakota couldn’t help it, his eyes kept going back down the almost totally naked body and he felt his tongue as it licked his lips and he sighed, wondering just how badly had he fucked up tonight.
Dakota “I am sorry, guess I shouldn’t have just blurted that out, uh, I thought that, well…”
Noah “So what, you want to be sure first, before you go telling the school that I am a fag? That it?”
The words were out before he knew it, and as he said them he saw Dakota’s head jerk up, his eyes flash a second of pure anger and then he saw the deep pain, the deep hurt that came welling up into those wonderful eyes, and Noah felt like crap in a second, his own fear and anger suddenly gone. He cursed himself as he realized that Dakota really hadn’t come here to catch him out, to trick him.
Dakota “Sorry, guess I should go, I didn’t… fuck, what’s the use? I’ll leave, uh, guess tomorrow is…”
Noah “Wait… please, I didn’t, fuck Dakota I am gay, okay? I am and I am sorry, I just, it is hard, you don’t know what it is like, hiding all the time, I mean, shit… Please don’t go I…”
Dakota turned back and looked into Noah’s powder blue eyes. He could see the tears there, or were those his own he was seeing? He couldn’t explain it, not for a million bucks but he felt so alone, so empty and yet, maybe, maybe there was still a chance as he looked at Noah, saw the pain in that oval shaped face. He could see it, feel it even as he stood there, his own body trembling as he wondered why life had to be so cruel simply because some were different than others? Why?
Noah felt the pain deep in his very soul and he regretted his words with each passing second. Tears were at his eyes and he felt so helpless, so much a fool as he had caused someone such pain, such unneeded pain and all because he was gay. Why couldn’t he just get past that, why did he have to see danger around every corner, feel fear when with someone new, feel panic at each look, each glance? He felt his body shudder and he reached behind him to grab his bathrobe. With a shaking hand he picked it up and began to pull it up to put it on when he heard Dakota’s voice, muted and riddled with a sort of sorrow that ripped at Noah’s heart as turned to look at Dakota.
Dakota “What are you doing?”
Noah “Putting my robe on”
Dakota “Why?”
Noah couldn’t stand it anymore; he lowered his head and muttered, feeling his shame as he spoke.
Noah “So I won’t embarrass you anymore”
Dakota reached out with his hand, stopping Noah’s own arm from moving, from sliding into the sleeve of the light blue bathrobe. The touch made Noah jump a little and as he looked back up, he thought he saw a flame flickering in the very depths of the deep rich chocolate brown of Dakota’s eyes. He shook a little, feeling the fire burning in his soul as he kept his face tilted upwards, towards Dakota.
Dakota “I… I like you this way, you don’t embarrass me, and… well… don’t”
Noah “don’t?”
Dakota “Don’t put it on, don’t turn the lights out, don’t hide, I… I know this is freaking you out, but, I am not like the others, really”
He felt his heart pounding and he was confused. Noah didn’t know what to think and yet as Dakota spoke he could feel the honesty there. Dakota wasn’t lying to him, and his hand still held his, and he felt like there was something happening that he just couldn’t explain, but he knew that it was something special as he let the robe slip from his hand, falling softly to the floor. As it did he saw Dakota stare into his eyes and then slowly he watched, as Dakota stood upright, moving a step or two closer. Noah blinked as he breathed in deeply, smelling a faint hint of that apple fresh scent and as he opened his eyes again, he felt the soft hesitant touch of Dakota’s hand on the side of his face.
His whole body was trembling as he felt Dakota slide the back of his hand down his tear stained cheek and then the fingers lightly ran across his quivering lips. His mind was in a fog, dazed and frightened even and yet his heart seemed to revel in the touch, the feel and deep in his soul he felt a strange calm coming to him. It was unreal and better than anything he had ever dreamed of and his body shook, his cock growing even harder in his shorts and he felt the strange warmth coming to him again as Dakota’s hand moved down his chin, then under it, the tips of the fingers barely touching him and he turned to look and saw Dakota’s face next to him. He could feel his hot breath on his own mouth now as less than an inch separated them and Noah blinked as he saw the eyes flutter and close and the lips purse and the head tilt to one side, his own head tilting the opposite way. He held his breath as he felt the soft press of Dakota’s moist lips against his own mouth; his heart suddenly bursting inside and his trembling became uncontrollable shaking.
Noah’s body shuddered and as Dakota’s lips pressed against his, he felt his tongue flatten inside and his teeth raise apart, his lips opening as the rough raspy edge of Dakota’s tongue suddenly pressed up against his still quivering lips. Two strong arms suddenly were around his shuddering body and he was being gently but firmly pulled inwards, in towards Dakota’s body. He surrendered to the pull and felt his body suddenly being wrapped up in the strong body of the taller boy and his lips parted.
He had no control as he felt like he was falling, felt like his whole world had just exploded in front of him. His body arched inwards, his own arms reached out frantically to grasp hold of Dakota’s strong arms and his head fell backwards. His whole body shook as he felt the violent ache in his groin suddenly explode and he knew his cock was once more shooting its load of milky white boy cream. His lungs ached as he felt the hard hot edge of Dakota’s tongue as it snaked past his teeth and filled his mouth with its fullness, with its heat, with its desire. His hips shot forward, grinding his near naked body into the fully clothed one of Dakota.
The warmth invaded every part of his body as it shook and shuddered within the hard grasp of Dakota’s arms. He cried as he felt his body crushing hard into Dakota’s own solid frame. Nothing moved and it felt like he was suddenly glued into the body that held him. His eyes were clouded from the tears and he tried to open them, to look at the face that had just made him explode. He still shook as finally he opened his eyes, to stare into Dakota’s face, to see if his actions had been out of pity or out of something else and looking into his eyes, Noah saw a burning fire reaching for him.
Dakota “Do you believe me now?”
Noah couldn’t help it; he looked once more into the fiery eyes that held his own gaze locked within. He could feel the flames now, the way they were getting closer to touching him and instead of feeling fear, of feeling panic, he felt a warmth that only made him feel excited. His whole body no longer shook from fear or embarrassment, but from anticipation.
Noah “yes”
Dakota smiled at Noah, then in a quick move, he reached forward and kissed Noah on the mouth, a semi hard kiss that surprised Noah but not as much as Dakota’s next move did. Noah’s eyes bulged open as he saw Dakota kneel down, his hands suddenly tugging on the thick white coloured elastic of the waistband of his shorts.
He looked down, to see the dark hair flowing around the golden flesh of Dakota’s face, and he felt the face press inwards, the hot lips crushing into his belly as Dakota’s fingers dug into the shorts, the backs pressing hard into his quivering flesh and as he felt the strange sensations welling up inside, he also felt the sudden press of his underwear sliding down his legs, and he knew that his body was now naked, his still hard cum caked cock sticking outwards. He shuddered as he felt the hard grasp of two hands on his legs, the thumbs pressing deeply into his inner thighs and he stared down, and saw Dakota raise his head up and stare up at him.
He watched as Dakota pulled his head back a little, the eyes taking one last look upwards and then he stared as Dakota’s hand came from one side, the fingers gently touching the very base of his cock and he heard himself groan, his body shake as the tips of Dakota’s fingers now moving slowly along the trembling shaft of his 6 inch long penis, gently touching the still hot skin that was still stretched taut. Noah felt his body shudder and he felt the ache in his groin, a different ache than normal, and he could feel his buttocks, the cheeks quivering and tightening, every muscle in his body suddenly screaming as wave after wave of pleasure seemed to pass along the still hard cock right into his body, filling him with a deep warmth.
The fingers moved slowly along his cock shaft, feeling every part of it and as he looked, he saw how Dakota kept looking at it, and he thought he could feel the eyes, those dark eyes, as they stared transfixed at the sight of his cock. The ache inside grew more intense and he felt himself whimpering, wishing he had been able to hold back, to keep the now dried milk inside just a bit longer, wanting it for Dakota, not wanting it wasted drying uselessly on his shorts and his skin. He felt a bit ashamed but then he felt the soft brush of wet lips against the still hot end of his cock, and he groaned now, feeling a warm glow reaching upwards, and his hands rested on Dakota’s shoulders, feeling the glow grow in power as it filled his shaking body.
Noah “Dakota…”
Dakota “Yes?”
Noah “Will you? I mean…”
Dakota “Are you sure?”
Noah “Yes, more than I can say, yes, you?”
Dakota “I am now”
