Scotts Secret – 1
Chapter 1
Scott wheeled the black corvette into the side. He parked it carefully along the curb, keeping the engine running, and making sure all of the doors were locked, and the passenger window up. He wasn’t going to be taken by surprise, not here in a strange town.
The car had a nice rumble to it, and he liked the way it handled. He always rented a hot sports car, it made it a whole lot easier to find someone for the night.
He stared off, checking out the action at the park. There seemed to be some activity by the washrooms. But that wasn’t his thing. A small sigh escaped his lips as he looked out at the comings and goings around him. Here he was, near to his 40th birthday and he was still single. One day he hoped to change that, but the days seemed to be getting less as time flew by.
A tall slender body walked past, slowing down as it passed the passenger side of the car. A sallow face peered in, and then walked on as Scott turned his face forward. He figured he would give this place about an hour, and then if nothing, he would try over at Mountain View Park. The meeting was set for 2 pm in the Hilton down in Atlanta, so he had time to check out both here and the other recommended site.
It was early too, but he enjoyed the early summer’s night drive up from Atlanta to Gainesville. It was only about 50 odd miles, as the crow flies, and he liked the air blowing his hair back. He didn’t get much chance to let his hair down, his long blond locks always seemed to be tied up in a pony tail, out of courtesy to his corporate clients. Man they could be so damn old, even if they were only in their late 40’s or early 50’s.
He had some country western station playing on the car’s fm stereo, and was enjoying the latest from that Canadian, Paul Brandt, called “that’s the truth”. He saw the video and laughed at the way it used excerpts from various Presidents. He smiled at that, and his whole face seemed to lift up. His soft blue eyes got a sparkle to them and he seemed to lose a good 10 years off his face. Betty always told him he should smile more often, it made him look hot, but she was on the make for him, so he discounted her words.
He caught a glimpse of someone sitting at one of the benches, and he turned his gaze over to it. From this distance he looked interesting, and he wondered what his story was? Somehow, these one night dates didn’t ever amount to much, other than a physical relief for him, but he wasn’t about to start going to dances or socials. He just wasn’t comfortable there, and besides, his time was generally short. At least this way he could enjoy the touch of a man with some certainty. Hotel rooms were bad enough, worse, if you couldn’t have some company for part of the night.
The object of his attention seemed to be looking towards him. Well, maybe he wouldn’t have to go to Mountain View. The figure stood up, and he could see that he had short hair and was rather tall. He looked like he was just over 6 feet tall, and was well built. He had a sense about him, the way he stretched himself as he stood up. Slowly, Scott watched him walk towards him, and he was enjoying the view.
A sudden tapping on his window startled Scott. He turned to look at the source of the noise and saw a face peering in at him. It was a drawn face, slightly dirty and the hair was unkempt and shaggy. The eyes though, they seemed to once have held some life, but now seemed rather sad and tired looking. He opened the window a bit.
“Hey man, open the door… that guys a vice cop”
“What? Huh, you sure?”
“Yeah, come on let me in”
Scott hesitated, but saw that the tall figure was starting to abandon his slow stroll and was heading straight for him. Panic set in, and he could feel his palms starting to sweat. He unlocked the door, and the young stranger climbed in.
“Come on man, move it before we get busted”
“Uh, yeah okay”
Scott put the car into gear and took off, he was tempted to floor the car but reason took hold and he proceeded at a normal rate.
“Turn off there and get out of the park,… that’s it, now get onto the main road there, yeah that one” his stranger directed.
They drove for a few minutes longer, with Scott checking his rearview mirror constantly, searching for the flashing blue and red lights of a police car. His new found savior kept glancing backwards too, and finally he seemed satisfied, and let out a deep sigh.
“Guess they weren’t expecting you to rabbit man, lucky”
“Yeah, uh thanks by the way, aah, the name’s Bill”
“Really? Well whatever man. You can drop me anywhere if you want.”
“What? Uh, yeah sure, but I mean….”
“Look, I just thought a guy in a vette, a tourist and all, hell he didn’t need any trouble, now if you were a local, that’s different, hate it when they come down on tourists”
“Well, thanks, uh, sure you want to be dropped off? I mean, maybe you’d like to go for a drink or something?”
Scott looked over and smiled as he offered his invitation He owed this stranger that at least. There wasn’t much for him to look at either, the kid looked to be about early 20’s and wasn’t exactly in the best of shape. His clothes were rather ratty and hadn’t been washed in awhile, and neither had its owner, judging by his appearance.
“Sure you wanna be seen with me? I ain’t no fancy stud you know”
Scott didn’t know what to say to that. The kid was right, he wasn’t a fancy looking date, but there was something there. First of all, he did save him some embarrasement, and secondly, those eyes, there was something that he saw, that made him open the door in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t a fancy stud, but he at least had some honour.
“Yeah I am sure.”
“Okay, it’s your nickel man.”
“Yep, so what do I call you?”
“Whatever you want to Bob.”
“Well, what do you like to be called?”
The kid laughed and Scott suddenly realized that he had been had. The kid called him Bob, and he answered, when he told him his name was, shit he couldn’t be that stupid could he?
He laughed along, and smiled again. Suddenly it didn’t really matter to him, for that moment. He shook his head as he answered the kid.
“Okay, so my name isn’t bill or bob. Actually it is Scott, for real, and so, now what is your name?”
“Well Mr. Scott, the name’s Randy, at least for tonight.”
‘Randy’ grinned as he said it, and Scott saw that he had a cute smile. It made him seem much younger, and made the lines on his face disappear. It almost made him seem normal, just like he was one of his sister’s teenagers. Scott joined in the joke, chuckling along with ‘Randy’.
“Well, Randy, where to?”
“I dunno know, there’s a MacDonald’s not far from here”
“MacDonald’s? You kidding? I was thinking of maybe something a little more substantial, like maybe a bar or a place with real food”
“Yeah? But, uh, that’s kind of expensive.”
“My treat, remember? So how about it, got a better place in mind?”
‘Randy’ turned his eyes towards Scott. He studied the angular face, the way the long hair flowed down and around his shoulders, and the light blue eyes shining from his clean angular face.
“Well, what about your hotel? Does it have a restaurant?”
“Yeah, but I am staying in Atlanta”
“Ooh,,,, well I suppose we could go to (name), it’s supposed to be okay.”
Scott could hear the disappointment in ‘Randy’s’ voice, and his heart seemed to ache suddenly for the young boy. He couldn’t explain it, but there was something that was attracting him to this kid. He wondered how old he really was, but was afraid to ask. As they waited at a red light, Scott glanced over at Randy, and suddenly his mind seemed to command his voice.
“Why don’t you come to Atlanta with me, we can have dinner at the hotel, and you can even crash on the couch, and I’ll bring you back to Gainesville tomorrow night. How’s that sound?”
Randy’s eyes seemed to light up. This guy was being nice, and while other’s had acted nice, they rarely were. No warning signs popped up in his head, which was really unusal.
“You sure you want to do that? You don’t even know me.”
“Well, we are even on that score, aren’t we?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay then, it is off to Atlanta we go, now how do I get back on to the damn interstate?”
The drive down didn’t seem to take too long. It passed quickly for Scott as he enjoyed hearing Randy talk about Gainesville, how it was a small town but popular with guys coming from the big city to cruise. He prefered it, the cops weren’t too bad, except every now and then they did a sweep of the parks and stuff for hustler’s and vagrants. They didn’t want to get a bad reputation with all the tourists, plus they managed to collect some hefty fines from the poor saps they caught.
Randy enjoyed the country music too and he seemed to settle himself nicely in the car. He loved the way it rumbled through the traffic and he even managed to get Scott to open it up briefly on a good straight stretch. Scott was enjoying himself, his earlier dark mood forgotten by the joy he seemed to be bringing to Randy.
Finally they entered the city, and Scott drove straight to the hotel. A valet jumped to open the door, and startled Randy. Scott laughed as he tossed the rental car keys to the valet. With an arm around the young man, he walked him inside to the Hilton.
Eating at the dining room was going to be a problem, so Scott thought, as they walked into the ornate lobby of the hotel. He decided to try anyways, and he had Randy wait while he supposedly went to check for messages.
While at the front desk, he explained that his nephew had shown up, a runaway from home and he wanted to feed him before taking him upstairs to phone home, could the manager find a secluded spot in the dining room for them? A $20 bill helped convince the manager of the truth of his statement, and dinner was arranged. Scott walked back to Randy, a smile across his face, and a lightness in his heart that he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Dinner passed amazingly fast. For the life of him, Scott had never tasted such a good steak in his life. The potatoes au gratin were super, and he loved the way Randy’s eyes popped when they brought him a shrimp cocktail. The service was superb, and as the last of their Grand Marnier Cake was eaten, Scott realized that it was after midnight already.
They headed up to Scott’s room and he noticed that Randy was getting nervous. He could see the way he was clenching and unclenching his fists, and if he looked carefully he was sure he would find tiny beads of sweat of the boys young forehead. Randy’s eyes were also everywhere but on him or on their path down the corridor.
“You looking kind of uptight there Randy, dinner not agree with you ?”
“Uh, no it was uh, fine, it is, just well you sure spent a lot on that meal man…. and well,…”
“What?”
“Well, I don’t think you will be happy with the trade off, …”
“Trade off? What are you talking about?”
“Me, you know…. I just, well I… shit I guess what I am saying is that I ain’t worth anywhere near what you paid for that meal, and well, you been nice to me, and shit this sucks….”
“Excuse me? Look, you did me a favour, you saved my fucking ass back there with the cops, and as for not being worth it, I don’t know about you but I sure did enjoy myself tonight, you were great company, and I had fun, didn’t you?”
“yeah, but now comes the bill for that fun, and, well, like I said, I ain’t worth it.”
They had arrived at the room, and Scott didn’t know how to answer Randy. He looked up and down the young boy, saw the torn clothes, the way they were grass stained and dirty. He saw the way his hands were clenching, and he saw the face, the sad look once again in his eyes. His heart was tearing itself, as he checked the young boy over. He wasn’t some raving beauty, but there was something about him.
“Come on inside, I think you have a wrong idea of what is expected.”
Scott held the door open for Randy, and as he passed him by he could see the disappointment in his eyes. He could see it in how he carried himself, his shoulders slouched and his feet sort of shuffling along. It was amazing how at dinner he was a different person, and now he was looking like he was an old man.
“Have a seat, I gotta use the can for a second. You can turn on the tv if you want.”
Scott came out of the washroom to hear the country music video station on the television. He shut off the bathroom light and turned the corner to the room, which he saw was dimmed. Randy was hunched up on the couch. His shoes off, and his legs drawn up under him. He looked like a frightened deer caught in a blaze of headlights.
“It’s getting late, you can have a shower if you want.”
“Yeah? That would be nice, it’s been awhile, but uh, sure you don’t mind?”
“Go ahead, there is shampoo and conditioner on the tub, and you can use my soap that’s in the dish by the sink.”
“Cool, thanks man”
“You can lock the door on this bathroom, in case you feel like it.”
Scott didn’t know why he added that bit, but he saw the relief in Randy’s eyes as he said it. The kid was still terrified of him, or was it of being alone with another man? He really would like to know what his story was. This wasn’t your usual street kid or hustler or whatever you called them these days.
“Uh, thanks, I really could use a good hot shower, if you aren’t in any rush, that is, I mean, well…. I do have to kind of, you know what I mean.”
“Look Randy or whatever your name really is, I took you to dinner because I wanted to, not to get into your pants, that’s…. well that’s a separate deal if you want to, but it’s your call Randy, and that’s the truth, ….believe it or not.”
Randy sat there, leaning forward to go to the bathroom, unable to move as the words registered inside his head. It wasn’t a full moon out, it wasn’t Christmas time, and it sure as hell wasn’t his birthday, so how come the royal treatment from this guy? He was confused by his own dreams of being loved and by what he knew was on every john’s mind. Could this guy be serious? Or did he have something else on his mind? God, he hoped he wasn’t one of those real kinky type. He shivered with the thought, but one more glance at Scott’s eyes told him that, No, this guy wasn’t kinky.
“No Shit?”
“No shit Randy, your call to make, when you want, now why don’t you go have that shower first, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks man.”
“No sweat, I’m going to get undressed and ready for bed, but I’ll put a pillow and some blankets on the couch for you, I’ll still be up, okay?”
“Sure, … uh thanks.”
It took awhile, from when he heard the lock on the door click, and the water start to run. Scott shook his head, he must be going nuts. Here he had a perfect set up, a nice young guy, willing to do him and all for the price of a dinner that went on the company’s expense account anyway. What did he do? Why he still offerred to pay for the night’s fun on top of the dinner. He had to be getting senile. Then again, he was feeling damn good and he hadn’t felt this happy and alive for a long time. Maybe that was it, he was getting close to 40 and he was entering his second childhood, that had to be it !
With the sounds of the water still running, Scott started to undress. He tossed his shirt over the chair, and then he folded his jeans, a habit he had from childhood, and lay them over the chair seat. He removed his socks and debated about whether or not to remove his boxer’s. Normally he slept in the nude, but he thought it might just be to damn freaky for ‘Randy’. He settled on keeping them on, then slipped his dark blue terry robe on.
He grabbed his book, Tom Clancy’s “Debt of Honor” and started in to read. His normal routine for the night, except for his nightly exercise of attending to his little head, as he refered to his dick. He could feel it stir inside his boxer’s, but concentrated on the book, well tried to, that is.
Randy finished his shower, enjoying the way he felt. He had scrubbed himself almost raw under the steady stream of hot water. It felt so damn good. He couldn’t remember when he had felt so clean, so himself. His hair even smelled clean for a change, and the shampoo scent was a nice apple smell.
He looked at himself in the mirror, as he brushed his hair back, and for a second he saw himself as he used to be. The happy kid who liked horse back riding, and who played all the sports, and now, now he was a jaded old man at 20. There were times when he wished that he could just end it all, but he never could get the nerve up.
His eyes clouded over, and the youthful face no longer stared back at him. He stood up, and he could see the scars, the reminder’s of just what he was now, and he shivered slightly. Randy really wasn’t all that bad looking, when he was cleaned up. He was tall, just a half inch shy of 6 feet, and his weight was okay, around 140 lbs or so, and he was equiped. Nothing fancy, a fair sized 8 inches or so when hard, really hard that is, which didn’t happen all that often to him. He did manage though to get it up enough to do the job.
Shaking his head, he looked around, wondering what tonight was going to be like. He kind of liked Scott, it was fun and he didn’t push him. That was certainly different than most john’s, all they ever wanted was to get naked and play. Well, he would certainly put some effort into tonight, it was the least he could do. Quickly he grabbed the white terry robe off the door and wrapped it around him. He debated about dressing, but he felt so clean, he just couldn’t put them on just yet.
With his dirty clothes bundled up, he unlocked the bathroom door and went back into the room. He saw that Scott was laying on the big queen size bed, in a robe reading.
“Hey, thanks man, that sure felt good, … uh hope I didn’t take too long.”
Scott looked up from the book, to see a totally different Randy standing at the foot of the bed. He was so pink, and so damn innocent looking. It certainly was different than when he tapped on his car window.
“No problem, the pillow and sheets are there on the couch, you can make them up anyway you want.”
“Uh, Thanks.”
Scott watched as he lay the blanket out, and the pillow, so that he was facing the bed. He moved slowly, keeping his robe wrapped around him. He notice his legs, how they were so long and almost hairless. Scott could feel his own dick rising at the sight of Randy bending and making up the couch.
“Well, guess we should get some sleep.”
Scott said as he laid his book down and leaned over to turn the light off. The room suddenly went black as he heard the rustling of the blanket and the creak of the couch as Randy settled himself. Well, he was tired, maybe tomorrow morning he would see if Randy was into some morning work, but tonight he would let it be.
Randy lay in the dark, listening and waiting. Minutes passed and he heard Scott settling down into the bed. He couldn’t believe this, the guy really was on the level. No pressure and no demands. Suddenly Randy felt a strange feeling in his body. He couldn’t understand it, but he didn’t want to sleep on the couch, and he didn’t want to be alone tonight. Small tears formed at the corner’s of his eyes as he peered into the darkness, to the shape that was Scott in the bed.
“Uh… Scott?” he softly called out.
“Yeah?, …. you forget something or need something?”
“Well, uh kind of, … can I sleep with you in the bed?”
“What? Are you sure, I mean you don’t…”
“… I know, it is just, well I kind of want to, it’s been a bit since I felt like this, but I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, if you don’t mind, I won’t take up much room, it is just, well I don’t want to be alone tonight, if you don’t mind?”
“Mind? ….No Randy, I don’t mind at all, come on and join me.”
Scott tossed open the blankets and sheet on the other side, as he spoke. He looked over and saw Randy walk over to the side of the bed. He stood there, looking down at Scott, and then slowly he reached down, undoing the ropes’ belt.
With the belt opened, the robe opened at the front, exposing a slender body to Scott’s eyes. They watched as Randy slowly moved his hands to take the robe off his young body. Scott could smell his soap scent and the apple smell of his shampoo as the now naked Randy climbed into the bed.
“Thanks Scott”
“No problem Randy… got enough room there? You can get closer if you want, I promise I won’t do anything if you are worried about that…”
Randy squirmed over a bit, and his leg brushed up against Scott’s. He could feel a sudden tenseness in his body, and a warmth started to spread up from his leg all over his body. He could feel Scott’s sudden intake of breath as the legs touched. He hadn’t felt this way before, and he could tell that his body liked the feeling. His penis had suddenly sprung to attention, and he knew that he would not need to work at getting himself hard. He turned onto his side, to face Scott.
His eyes were now accustomed to the darkness and he could see that Scott was breathing carefully, controlled like, as if he was afraid to give in to his own feelings. He smiled at that, seeing that this guy wanted to make him comfortable. Now that was a switch, normally they didn’t give a fuck about his feelings.
Randy reached out, nervously, with one hand, letting it touch Scott’s arm lightly. It was like being hit by a bolt of lightning. His whole body recoiled from the sudden intense shock that entered his slender body. He could feel Scott’s body quiver under his touch.
“Scott…..”
Scott couldn’t believe it. His whole body was shaking by the mere touch of this kid’s leg. He was feeling like he was back in high school, afraid to move or make a sound. He tried to keep in control but then he felt Randy move next to him, could feel him change positions, and then he felt his hand touch his arm. It was like being hit by a ten ton anvil.
His chest started to ache, and his whole body seemed to have gone into a convulsion. A strange warmth seemed to be flowing into his body from his arm. He gulped in air, as his lungs seemed to suddenly be empty. His ears rang with the sound of his name, as Randy spoke.
“Ooooh….. uh yeah Randy”
Scott could barely speak, and he was having some real trouble in keeping his mind in control over his body. He wanted to reach out, and grab Randy and pull him into his body, to hold and to keep. His penis had already decided what it wanted, as it was fully erect in his shorts, sticking up like a damn flag pole. Slowly, he turned his face to peer into Randy’s dark eyes, a short distance from his own.
They stared into each other’s eyes, the darkness hiding their faces, the only sound was of the air conditioner humming away in the background. It seemed like hours passed but it was only a few minutes.
Scott brought his arms out of the blanket, letting the covers fall down past his chest. He held them open towards Randy. Randy could see the movement of the arms, and he waited until Scott had them fully extended. He then quickly slid his body over, so that it rested fully against Scott’s own muscular frame. He felt the strong arms encircle his slender body, and pull him tightly inwards. Randy buried his face into Scott’s chest, just under his chin, and a faint smell of apple flowed into his nostrils as some of Scott’s blond hairs fell across his cheeks.
The Locker – Chapter 11
Chapter 11
Sunday 4 a.m. – Nathan
He stared out at the front yard, watching the shadows dance around the darkness moved from pitch black to a dull dark grey. It was strange to be standing here in his bathrobe looking out of the huge bay window knowing that his whole world had suddenly changed.
At first he wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing or not. Noah was so young and yet in the way he stood his ground, Nathan could tell that there was a growing maturity in the boy. The question for him was did he really know what he was saying or was it based on over active teenage hormones?
Worse though was the thought that if all that Noah had said was true, could he survive living in a homophobic world? Was he that strong or was he just talking tough? He wished he knew the answer to that because it would help him decide on what he should do. He just didn’t want to see Noah hurt and he doubted if Noah really understood that. All the talk about being gay was not pleasant, but he still knew in his heart that he loved Noah as a son, so he figured in time he would come to accept that part of him as well. It was just that he didn’t know if they would be allowed the time to adjust to it?
People could be cruel but kids were worse. He could foresee some of the comments his so called friends at work might say, and he could even see where it might lead to complications in him getting his own work accomplished. Still he also knew that it wouldn’t go much beyond words or looks. He didn’t expect his own life to be at risk, his own physical well being, from those at work or even from the neighbours. It was from the kids that worried him the most.
Christ he had seen the packs of kids walking down the mall, hanging out the various shops. If they chose to attack no one would stand much of a chance even if people wanted to intercede. It was a crazy mixed up world and Noah was putting himself and them right smack into the middle of that chaos. How could he let him see this boy knowing that it could lead to catastrophic consequences for them all?
On the other hand if he refused to let Noah see this Dakota boy, he risked losing his son in a totally different way. In short he was damned either way so what could he do? If he tried to keep him home he knew that eventually Noah would find a way to get out, after all he wasn’t a dumb kid. Then they would be at war with each other and worse, it would make home even more unbearable. He knew what a hostile home was like. Nate had vowed his would never be like that and yet now, here he was weighing that very possibility. Sure it was different in that he wasn’t a drunk but the results would be the same, no one would want to be in the same room, no one would want to talk or share things. It would become a tomb of silence or angry shouts with nothing in between. His heart knew he couldn’t handle that as the tears slowly began to trickle down his face. Nate’s eyes felt heavy as the clear drops blurred his vision and yet he fought for control, knowing he was going to lose either way.
Sunday 4 a.m. – Noah
Everything had seemed so perfect for him despite the nervousness he had felt all day while waiting to go to meet Dakota. Now it all lay in shambles around him and even holding the pair of worn shorts in his hand didn’t help ease the pain he felt inside.
How could his father be so unreasonable? He had always said he would understand, would listen but he hadn’t. Instead he had come like some mob to yank him away from the one person that made him feel whole, made him feel cared for in a way only a lover could. It wasn’t some stupid teenage obsession like his parents thought, it was real. He could feel that in his heart even if he couldn’t explain it. Damn he wished he had the words to try and make them listen but even if he did, would they listen?
Somehow he thought they might but then he saw his father’s face again, that angry hurt look and he knew he would never understand. There was no sense in trying as he stared out at the tree by his window, saw the branches bending in the breeze. How could he get through today if he couldn’t see Dakota? Hell, how could he get through any day without seeing him, without touching him or smelling him? The pain only grew as he realized that what he had enjoyed earlier might never happen again.
He turned from the darkened window to stare at his bed, to try and see what it would be like if only Dakota was there now, lying on that side with his long hair tossed all over the pillow. God if only he hadn’t slipped and let them know, if only he had managed to keep him and Dakota from them he wouldn’t have all this grief. Trouble was he still wasn’t sure how they did find out, but it didn’t matter. All he knew was that no matter how much he screamed, how much he threatened, if they wanted to keep him home they could.
All of his wild fantasies about Dakota were shattered now. Even holding the faded shorts next to his chin and heart didn’t help him. All it did was remind him that what they had shared, that brief moment when he thought he could read Dakota’s innermost thoughts and Dakota his, were probably gone forever. He walked to his bed and slumped down on it, tears rolling down his face as he sobbed heavily into the pillow, wishing for a better world and hoping for an answer that he felt would never come.
Sunday 7:03 a.m.
The pale rays of the morning sun made him squint and squirm a little in his bed as he slowly let them open. His head ached from all the wild thoughts that had passed thru during the night. One second he had imagined himself hopping into his car and racing after Noah, forcing Noah’s parents car off the road so he could snatch his lover form their evil grasp, but that was his anger speaking. It was silly of him to think like that, to even assume that Noah’s parents were evil but as he had laid in bed all night, it was all he could think about.
It had helped to think about doing something stupid like that. Helped to think that Noah’s folks were evil even but deep down he knew he was just avoiding the truth. Dakota felt so alone and frightened that he had dreamed weird dreams, when he did sleep. For the most part he had spent the night looking out at the stars, wondering what it would be like to be a super hero, to have special powers that would make him do the right things and say the right words. Instead he was just a kid facing a major problem with no one to talk to. God had seen to that when he took Montana from him and now who could he talk to,
He could feel the bitterness inside of him and he wondered why it was that everyone was so afraid of guys like him? What was it about being gay that made so many nice folk turn mean and nasty? Their own pastor had refused to officiate at the funeral even because
At least his mom and sister went every other week. They still cared for
He turned his head towards the clock and knew he had to get up. His hand reached down to feel the tight shorts he was wearing and once more he could smell Noah’s scent. His body ached all over for him as he kicked the sheet off. His jaw grew hard as he tried to tell himself that Noah would be back and yet in his heart he found that didn’t give him any comfort. His anger grew but not at Noah’s parents or even his own father but at himself.
It was what really had kept him tossing and turning all night and he hated to admit it, but part of him was kind of glad that Noah’s parents had taken him away. The whole idea of being boyfriends scared him, not because of the commitment. In his heart he knew that he only wanted to be with Noah, that no other person could ever make him feel so wanted, so needed as Noah made him feel. It was something else that troubled him, which he didn’t want to think about but which he couldn’t run from.
He was scared, plain and simple. Not of living forever with just Noah, how could that scare him? No, what made him tremble with fear was that he would fail Noah, that he couldn’t or wouldn’t have the courage to face down the prejudices that they would have to confront. Dakota realized as he sat on the edge of his bed that he was both happy and sad about last night. Sure he wanted Noah in every way he had said, but he also didn’t want to fight anymore.
Sitting there, feeling the fabric of Noah’s shorts against his thighs and groin he felt lost. Why did it have to be this way? What was it that had some people running from him and guys like him as if they were contaminated or something? Did they really believe that they could catch it, that they could become gay simply because they were near a gay guy? It just seemed so stupid and yet that is how it felt. He had seen it around
Now he had to do that all over again. Now he had to once more go up against those same assholes and he just didn’t know if he could anymore. Dakota felt tired as he stood up and dressed, feeling like a hundred instead of just a mere 16. His mom had told him once how sometimes trouble could age a person faster than anything. He knew was she was talking about now. God why did it always have to be like this? What difference did it make to anyone really if he was fucking a guy up the ass or not? Why did it matter to them if he liked a dick in his mouth instead of licking at some damn pussy?
His headache grew worse as he struggled with the feelings inside. He really did want Noah, not just for the sex but for the friendship and everything else that made up a relationship, least as how he thought it was. Looking at how his mom and dad acted together, it was what he thought could happen with him and Noah, but that was all in the air now. He had picked up the phone a couple of times last night, wanting to call him but then he chickened out, afraid of what would happen if Noah’s dad answered or worse if he told him that Noah couldn’t talk to him anymore.
At those times he could feel his anger rising up but at the same time he felt something else. It was like a part of him wished that would happen because then it would solve his problem. He wouldn’t have to pretend and he could safely go on living in their world without having to fight anymore. Those thoughts only confused him and made him feel shame. Why couldn’t it just be okay to love someone and not have to see first if they were the right sex or colour or whatever? Was God that choosey about who got into heaven? Did he really care if two people loved each other but were of the same sex or of different races? Did it matter if say some Jewish guy fell in love with a catholic girl, did they get banned from his heaven too or was it just gays?
Nothing really made sense to him as he walked thru the kitchen and kissed his mother on the cheek. He refused her offer of breakfast, feeling rather full despite the queasiness in his stomach. She looked so sad for him but what could she do? It was his problem and one that more than likely Noah’s father had already taken care of. If Noah had been able to convince them he would have called last night. The fact he didn’t was good enough as a call.
He reached the car when he stopped, startled by the shadow. His eyes narrowed and then opened wide as he recognized his father sitting in the passenger seat.
“Dad… uh…”
“You are late this morning”
“Yeah I didn’t get up on time, uh, what are you doing in the car?”
“Waiting for you”
There was something different about him, the way he was looking at him made him feel uneasy. He also felt a bit angry, thinking that his dad wanted him to take him somewhere when he should know that Sunday mornings were his. This was his time to be free of house chores and family stuff, it was his time to visit his brother. Dakota grew impatient as he was already late and he still had so many different things going thru his mind that he felt tired already.
“Oh, uh can’t it wait? I want to go to uh… well you know, uh, can’t it wait?”
“Can’t what wait?”
“Uh whatever it is you want me to do, or take you, or… I don’t know, you are in my car, just figured that uh…”
“You going to see
“Yeah… you know I always do on Sunday morning”
“Thought as much, figured, well thought I’d go with you, that okay?”
He suddenly froze as he heard his father’s calm voice telling him that he was going to go with him. It was so unexpected that he felt slightly confused as well as uncertain. This from the man that no one could get to go to see
“Huh? You mean… but, are you sure?”
“Yes, why? Don’t you think I can handle your driving?”
“No, I just… I mean you never wanted to come with me before, in fact… well, you never go to… uh, you never been to see…”
“Is that what you think?”
“Well… yes”
Now it was his turn to be shocked. His eyes narrowed a bit as he looked into the stunned face of his son. Could he really have not known all this time? Surely he had more faith in him than that? It felt painful as he saw for himself that Dakota really didn’t know and he knew that it was his fault. God how stupid could he have been?
“I see… I didn’t realize you didn’t know”
“Know? What didn’t I know?”
“Just where do you think I go every morning at sunrise?”
“To work, I mean… don’t you?”
“No Dakota, I don’t”
“Then… where do you…”
“I go to see your brother, sunrise was his favourite time of the day, you knew that, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but… uh yeah I did.”
“But you didn’t think I knew, isn’t that what you wanted to say?”
“I guess”
For a moment he couldn’t stand to look at his son and turned away from him. His heart ached inside of his chest as he realized just how much his son didn’t know about him. Gary knew he wasn’t the demonstrative type, the kind that always hung out with the kids, tried to be a pal. He just figured it wasn’t his role, that it was more important to put a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. He left the mothering to his wife but it didn’t mean he didn’t care. Hell he always spent time getting caught up on what had gone on, what the latest news was from the boyfriend front and all that other stuff.
He always kept his eye on them, never trying to intrude in their lives but always making sure he was close by, just in case. Didn’t they know that or was it maybe that he never let them know? To think that Dakota believed he had never gone to see
The realization of the gap between them only made him ache more. He wondered if
“I know lots of things son, I know for instance that
“I never… but why, uh, why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“What was there to say? That I miss him so much that I go and watch the sunrise over his grave? That instead of sitting out with him when he was alive to watch, I do it now that he is gone? What could I say that wouldn’t make it all seem so… so pitiful?”
It was like there was a stranger sitting in his car. The words were so filled with pain that he didn’t know what to do. He could feel the tears welling up near his eyes as he stared out at his father. The man looked different too, looked almost like a beaten old man instead of the strong 42 year old he was. Could the pain he felt for
“Dad I…”
“Just drive son, okay? Right now, please, just drive”
He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how he expected his father to act and yet in some deep part of his body he felt like it couldn’t ever be any other way. This was the man he thought his father was but had rarely seen. Now that he was seeing it he felt scared and yet warm too. It was confusing as he looked at his father who turned away at last. Dakota could see the tears welling up in the lined face and his heart ached for his dad. He stared at him then looked at the house, to see his mother standing on the porch. She merely nodded at him and he turned back to get into his car. Dakota turned the ignition on and headed the car down the long dusty road towards the main road.
The sound of the wind blowing past and the noise cars made as they whizzed by only made him more aware of the silent figure next to him. There were so many questions popping into his head that his headache only got worse. He had to squint as the pain in his forehead grew with each passing mile, He drove by reflex more than anything and despite that he felt like he was on a bed of nails. There was so much he wanted to ask but each time he tried, his courage failed him. He sat there driving instead of talking, instead of asking so that when they finally arrived at the cemetery he was startled.
He shifted down a little, easing off the gas and coasted along the windy road till he could go no further. He parked the car off to the side and stared out past the lush green rolling grass. His eyes narrowed as he saw the tall tree off in the distance and his heart sighed a bit, wishing for what he wasn’t sure. So much was pressing on him that he stood there blinking in the morning light until he saw the bent over figure slowly walking up the grassy knoll. His father had already left him and he quickly leaped forward, jogging to catch up.
They came to the simply white stone that jutted up from the grassy ground. You could barely see the dirt now, the grass having already claimed most of it. The shade from the overhanging branches added a soft cool touch to the whole area. Other stones were dotted about but there was nothing on either side of
His father stood by the stone with his head bowed and then as Dakota came to stand by him he finally looked at him. Dakota stepped back as he saw a warm glow and strange calm in his father’s face. He had half expected to see tears running down the cheeks but instead they actually had a bit of colour to them. It was weird for him as he saw his dad give him a small smile and then take his jacket off. For a moment Dakota thought he would toss it over his shoulder or offer it to him to wear or hold but instead the man simply laid the jacket on the grass, next to the headstone and then proceeded to sit down on it.
Dakota didn’t know what to do. He stood there staring down at the stone and then at his father who just sat there, his legs stretched out in front like he was at a picnic or something. It all seemed so unreal to him and yet as the sun played on the grass in front and the wind swirled lightly around him, he knew this wasn’t a dream. His heart continued to pound hard as he tried to say something, not sure what he should say even. Everything seemed so natural and yet felt weird, just like everything else it seemed that was happening to him. His thoughts turned to Noah and he wondered what it would have been like having Noah here with him? Would he have understood why every Sunday Dakota came here or would he think it sappy and weird? Whenever things got heavy, whenever he needed a place to think it was here that he came.
Here was where he felt safe; where he could talk to the only person he had who could understand him. Here was where he could unburden his mind to the only person that shared the same doubts and pains as he did. Here was where he could just be himself, talk without worry about what someone might think or get a wrong impression. Would Noah have understood that? Did his father understand it? Once more his eyes were drawn to his dad who was leaning back on his elbows and staring right back at him. It made him jump a bit and hang his head down, the eye contact too frightening to him.
“Don’t you sit?”
“Huh?”
“Do you just stand or do you sit down when you come by yourself?”
“Oh, uh, I sit”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Why aren’t you sitting? Am I making you that nervous Dakota?”
“Sorry… I guess partly, I don’t know.”
Staring at his son, he reminded him of a deer got in the headlights of a truck. His eyes blazed and yet he stole perfectly still. Nothing around him seemed to be registering as the lights mesmerized him except in this case it was his presence. Did he really make his own boy so nervous or was it something else? Something was eating at him, but what?
“Feeling shell shocked are you?”
“Shell shocked? From?”
“Me being here, last night, school, life, I don’t know, everything maybe?”
He felt confused by his father. His dad had said more to him so far than maybe what he had said over the entire year. It was nice in one sense and freaky in another. Was his dad going to try and tell him he shouldn’t see Noah anymore? The idea that he might do that though didn’t anger him as much as he thought it should. Was he maybe hoping for that but damn it, he loved Noah or thought he did. Why was he feeling like he needed an out, that he needed an excuse to end something he only had ever dreamed of having? Was he that fucked up in the head that when something good like Noah came along he tried to push it away? What was wrong with him? Why was he acting this way?
“I suppose… things are a bit uh, mixed up”
“Mixed up? Christ son they are royally fucked up as I see it”
“Dad!”
“What? You think this is where we pussy foot around stuff? I don’t think so Dakota, one thing I have learned by coming here every morning for so long is that pussy footing around stuff that counts is just so much crap and a waste of time. Hell son, we got more important stuff to deal with in life than worrying about what blasted words we use, don’t you think?”
“I guess… I don’t know, maybe”
Gary couldn’t put his finger on it but something was out of place, was wrong as Dakota never was so hesitant before, never so reluctant to say how he felt. He peered intently at his son, trying to figure out what it was that had him acting so skittish. Could Dakota be worried that he might try to stop him from seeing that Noah boy?
“Christ son you are acting like you are going to jump out of your skin, what is it? This trouble with that Noah boy, is that eating at you?”
“Partly”
“The rest being?”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
Dakota wasn’t sure how to respond. He wasn’t used to all these questions from his dad like this, and hell it seemed that he knew more than he had suspected. Okay maybe mom had talked to him he thought but why now? Why was he suddenly all fired up to talk about this stuff? It wasn’t like he seemed interest before this, so what was it? Was he worried about more medical bills or was there something he hadn’t told him? Christ had he heard from Noah’s folks?
That might be it but staring at him, seeing the strange new look on his face he wondered other things too. It just wasn’t the way he was used to his dad acting. Maybe there was something going on he should know about, why the sudden switch in how he acted? The whole idea of his dad showing up here each morning was puzzling to him. How could he have not known but worse, why did his dad do it?
“Why are you here now? Why do you come here in the mornings alone? Why didn’t you ever tell me, or
“Yes she knows, she’s even come a few times with me, though she worried each time that one of you would wake up and find us both gone, so for the most part she stays home, but yes she knows.”
“Then why didn’t you, I mean why was it a secret?”
“It wasn’t, guess though it became one all on its own, kind of like you and Montana huh?”
“Us? I don’t…”
For the life of him he had never seen his son so disjointed, so lacking in strength. At times he had thought Dakota had a certain stubborn streak or even a defiant one but looking at him now all he could see was total confusion. It scared him a little as he tried to figure out what it could be that had him all in knots like this?
Dakota had always been one of those kids who just went and did things. He never worried about asking, he just went and did em like he had some secret guidance system inside that always kept him focused. Now he looked like a duck out of water that made him sweat a bit. He was so young to have gone through so much crap and yet to know that there was just as much if not more around the corner. It didn’t seem right or fair but that was life.
“How long did you know Dakota? Days? Weeks? Months? Years?”
“I dunno, awhile I guess”
“So how come you never told?”
“That is different… I mean…”
“Is it?”
“Yeah, it is something you, you know… What, you figured I should have just come up and said, oh by the way I am gay too? Besides, I thought you had enough to worry about.”
It was almost as if he could smell the fear oozing from his son. His heart began to tremble as he realized that something was seriously wrong with his boy. He couldn’t quite get a handle on it but he could see the terror in Dakota’s face as he spoke, as he tried to hide the doubts and fears.
“That’s nice if it is true”
“Huh? Of course it is…”
“Could be more that you were just plain scared?”
Shit, did everyone know what a coward he was? Was he the last one to find out that all this time of pretending to be tough, pretending to be self-reliant and all that in reality he was just a scared snot nosed kid? God did Noah know it too?
Maybe that was why he had gone so ballistic, so intense that he would get his parents to see things his way. It was maybe his way of telling him that he knew, that he didn’t care or was he just trying to get him to stand up for a change? Shit, it was so mixed up, he wished they had time before all this happened. Maybe if they had spent the weekend together they could have talked. Hell maybe he could have found the guts to try and explain all these weird things he was feeling inside.
Looking at his dad he wondered what he was up to? Did he suspect how much of a coward he was or was he trying to find out? The way he looked now sure as hell wasn’t how he looked when he first confronted Montana. God the anger on his face, the almost murderous look he gave both of them was still vivid in his mind. How did he expect him to tell him after looking like that?
“Okay, yeah that too I suppose, shit it isn’t easy telling something like that, and then… well…”
“Well what?”
“I didn’t want you to go off like you did when Montana told you”
It couldn’t be that simple, could it? Looking at his face, seeing the way he kept averting his eyes only made Gary more certain that his boy was still hiding something. He wished he could pin point it because in his heart he knew it could make or break who is son turned out to be. Every part of his body felt like it belonged to a person over a 100 as he tried to figure out just what was eating at Dakota.
“He didn’t tell me, I went off cause I heard about it elsewhere, hell I don’t know, maybe I would have gone off the same no matter what, but I cooled off pretty fast, didn’t I?”
“Yeah”
“So?”
“I dunno, guess I should have said something”
“Would have helped”
“I suppose, just that, well, you aren’t all that easy to just talk to”
“Doing okay now aren’t we?”
“Some, maybe it’s the place, or maybe I just… I don’t know, so why didn’t you tell me? About coming here?”
“I never really thought about it actually, never even knew you didn’t know, at least until last night. That’s maybe why this morning I am here with you instead”
Somehow he felt he was on safer ground now. Talking about why he hadn’t said anything was getting to close to home. God what if he was a coward thru and thru? He couldn’t be though, shit he had stood up for Montana, had fought a few good fights too, so how could he be a coward? Thing was though it was how he felt right now, knowing that he was only looking for excuses to break it off with Noah.
He felt angry at his father too. Why did he have to come and dump all this on him now? Didn’t he have enough to try and figure out without having to explain all this other stuff? Couldn’t his dad see that he needed to be alone, to work stuff out?
“But… I mean each time we asked you to come with us, you always refused, we thought it was cause… well cause you couldn’t bear to be here, now you say you are here every morning, so, why didn’t you come with us? Is it us you didn’t want to be around?”
“Christ NO! I thought that each needed their own time here, without the others. I love your mother and when she offered to come with me, I didn’t refuse but she could tell, she could see that this was my time. I just thought when you asked that you were being polite is all. I also thought that you needed your own time here, just like I do”
“I suppose, still I wish I had known…”
“Why? So you could have joined me? I don’t know, maybe once or twice would have been okay, but I think if you had known you would have wanted to come every morning, and well as much as I love you, I need that time to be alone with Montana.”
“I guess I understand… but still”
Why was he so scared of him? It didn’t make sense really because he thought he had always been a good father. He never tried to force them to do stuff, he would always explain things or at least try to. Wasn’t like teenagers ever wanted to listen but still he had tried. Okay there had been times when he had to be strict, hell that was part of being a parent but that shouldn’t make his kids afraid of him.
God didn’t they know that he would give his own life for them if he could save them from pain? Didn’t Dakota know that he would have traded places with Montana in a flash if he could have? How could he have raised Dakota all these years with him not knowing or trusting in him? Was he that much of a stranger to his own family?
“Hell Dakota, you could have asked too you know? If you wanted to know, all you had to do was ask, it isn’t like I bite your head off when you ask me stuff, is it?”
“No, I just never… never really thought to”
“I suppose son, but it isn’t right you know? We are supposed to trust each other, you do know I love you don’t you?”
“Yeah”
Gary was confused. He heard the words and they were what he had expected and yet they rang false inside. Looking at Dakota he realized that the boy was saying what he thought he wanted to hear instead of telling him the truth. It was not how he had raised him and yet, there was something in Dakota’s face that made him worry even more.
“Yeah? Yeah but what?”
“Nothing”
“Nothing my ass, I can see it in your eyes son, you don’t think I love you do you?”
“I don’t know…. shit, I wish I did, but sometimes I think you hate me, that you…”
“Hate you? I could never hate you, you are my son”
“I know, it is just that… well sometimes I wonder if you do cause I am… well cause I am like Montana”
“Like Montana? You mean gay?”
“Yes”
“How can you, what ever could make you think that I hated your brother? I love him, just as I love you and Arizona. Do you really think I hated Montana because he was gay?”
He didn’t know what to say to his dad. Yes at times he did think that his dad hated Montana and hated him too because they were gay. At times he could see the look on his face and he knew it was hatred. Maybe if Montana hadn’t gotten sick things would be different, but everything changed with that news. The looks never came after that, so maybe it wasn’t real or maybe it was just that he couldn’t hate someone who was dying? How do you say that?
“I don’t think so, no… but then he got sick which changed things, I don’t know, maybe you think it is my fault or something”
Oh Sweet Jesus how could he have missed all this pain and suffering that was inside of his boy? Had he been that blind or that self absorbed that he hadn’t seen the pain in his youngest boy? His body shook a little as he felt his own shame for not seeing, for not knowing.
“My God, Dakota how… I love you son, as much as I loved Montana and as much as I love your sister. I don’t hate you, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t.”
“It is just that… I don’t know, being this way, Montana having been this way…”
“Good Lord Dakota, how could you even think that? Why didn’t you ever come to me or to your mother? Why have you kept all this inside?”
“I don’t know, I guess I kept seeing how angry you got at Montana, and then how sad you were when… when he came home to… to die. I don’t know, it just was like… like…”
“Terrifying and confusing?”
“yes”
“I know, it is how I felt then too, still do really. I won’t bullshit you Dakota, I do worry about you and at times, well at times I curse this whole gay thing”
It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. He knew inside that his dad hadn’t cared for him being gay any more than he had for Montana. Still to hear it only made it seem worse. He couldn’t help who he was, at times he wished he could but it just didn’t happen no matter how much he prayed for it. God what he wouldn’t give to be like all the others, to not worry about hiding how he was feeling or thinking when in the locker room or walking down the hallway. No one really could understand how that hurt and each night he wished he could be different. Now knowing his dad really did hate it only made him wish he had, well that he had died along with Montana. At least for Montana that part was over, he didn’t have to face all those hating faces anymore.
“I can’t help being this way dad”
“No I know that, I don’t curse at you son… I curse at God I guess, for making you this way, not because I am ashamed either, but for all the grief this has given you, both of you really”
“I miss him so much dad…”
“I know we all do son, we all do…”
“Why did he have to die Dad? Why? Is it maybe… I mean… could they…”
God how many sleepless nights had he and his wife shared over this question? Why did such bad things happen to innocent people like his Montana? Okay, maybe he wasn’t perfect but who in hell was? Montana cared for a lot of things, he was a good son and looked after his sister and younger brother. He would give anything he had for them so why? What terrible thing was it that made God take him from them?
He couldn’t begin to count how many times he asked himself if it was because of Montana being gay. How many times had he picked up a newspaper to read about some group claiming gays were sinners, some Priest commenting on how they were doomed unless they repented or how many politicians that were incensed at their lifestyle demanding criminal penalties for their behaviour?
Even his own family pastor had felt that Montana had violated some sacred trust with God, but damn it, God created his boy, just as he had created everything in the world, how could Montana be evil? How could such a warm person who loved life like he had be a shame to God?
Deep down in his heart he knew that they were wrong. His mind may wonder and think that perhaps they had a point or two, which they even had to be right given, who they were but in his heart he knew that was wrong. Something deep down told him that and looking at Dakota, he realized that his son was lost. He had listened too much to the hatred.
Gary sighed as he looked deeply into his boy’s face in an effort to calm the fears that seemed to be there. There was so much he didn’t know and yet it was up to him to show him that it was okay to be who he was. It was his responsibility as a father to try and help his son, but how could he when he himself didn’t know the answers or the truth? All he had was his faith and he prayed it would be enough.
“NO! NO! Don’t… damn, don’t Dakota… you can’t blame his dying on who he was or who you are either, it isn’t like they say son… God in heaven, I wish I could explain it…. I wish someone would explain it to me… “
“Then… why? It seems so… so cruel”
“Life can be that way, I don’t know why, it just is I suppose, but Dakota you can’t ever believe it is because he was gay. For whatever reason God chose to take Montana, it wasn’t because Montana was gay.”
“You still believe in God?”
“Don’t you? Of course I still do, I don’t know if I could have gotten through this otherwise.”
Dakota lowered his head and stared at the ground. All he could feel was pain inside, pain and hatred. He hated who he was, having to always try to be one thing when he was something else. He hated how it had made Montana feel, hated how it had hurt them all and worse of all he hated how it taken his brother from him.
“I don’t”
“Dakota you are angry, you can’t…”
“Blame God? Why the hell not? He made us this way didn’t he? So why then? Why did he send this AIDS to kill us? Is he ashamed of us too? If he exists, why dad? Why?”
The silence felt like it would shatter every thing around him. He couldn’t look at his son really and he felt the pain in his heart because he also wondered about it. How could a God who was supposed to be of love do such things? He had questioned it so many times that he knew them by heart. The trouble was he had no answer for his son who needed one and he felt himself slip a little, his hand touching the warm stone of his other boy’s final marker. In that moment he knew that he faced losing Dakota and felt the panic inside but the fires that flickered inside refused to die, just as his faith had refused to go quietly away.
“There is no answer Dakota, except that if you believe, eventually the answers will come. You aren’t asking anything I haven’t asked…”
“Then how can you still believe in God? How can…”
“I have to, because I suppose if I didn’t believe in him anymore I’d have to believe that Montana is here now, his body rotting into nothing and that the pain he suffered was all he would know, because Dakota to believe in God I can at least have some hope that he is not suffering anymore, that what happened to him wasn’t his final feelings on earth, that he isn’t really gone.”
“But… it doesn’t…”
“No it isn’t rational, it isn’t logic, but in my heart son, it feels right. Faith isn’t for when things are good, it is easy to believe in God then, but faith, real faith is believing in him when things aren’t good. I have to believe, for me not to, I can’t imagine what it would be otherwise… can’t you see? If there is no God, then Montana died in pain, there is no escape for him, can’t you see that?”
“But why all this then? Why?”
“I don’t know, guess maybe some priest or expert could give you a better reason, even then I kind of doubt if it would be any more real than what I believe. I know it is true, how I know I can only say cause inside, where it all counts, where there is no place to hide from the truth, it feels right.”
“I don’t feel that”
“Don’t you? I think you do, but I also think you are afraid of it, the truth isn’t always kind, is it?”
“You really believe Montana is at peace?”
“Yes”
“You think he can see us now? Sitting here?”
“I don’t know, I think whatever Montana’s soul was, I think that is watching us, yes.”
He sat there next to his father and brother, wondering if the pain he was feeling was like his dad said. Was he trying to run away from the truth? Maybe it was that, maybe it was that he really wasn’t sure what the truth was. All he knew for certain was that he cared for Noah, that he missed Montana. That he knew, as to the rest, it was all a mess inside.
Part of him wanted to have what everyone else had. He wanted to walk down a street and hold hands, kiss when he felt like it or just walk with Noah’s head on his shoulder. That was what he wanted, dreamed of having. For a brief time last night he thought it might happen. At least where they were it was safe, but school, that was something else. He could never do that at school without fighting at least once every day.
That was what scared him. He had been in fights, and okay yeah he did okay and won them, but it still fucking hurt afterwards. So what if he won, eventually someone bigger or tougher would come along then what? Would Noah still want him if he were damaged goods? Hell would Noah want him if he lost, never mind how he looked afterwards?
Maybe he would but sitting there, feeling the sun on his face and body, he knew there was more to it. Noah might not mind him losing a fight or two, but what would he think if he not only lost the fight but as a result Noah got the crap kicked of him too? How would he look at him then? Would the feelings he had now turn into hate or disappointment? Hate he could maybe handle, disappointing Noah was something totally different.
As he sat there he also knew that if he did manage to keep things going with Noah that eventually it would change. He couldn’t explain it but he knew that the pressure that everyone at school would put on them would be constant. There is no way guys like Hector would let it go and if he was right, guys like Rusty would keep pushing those like Hector. It was how they got their jollies. He had seen it with Montana, and he had to admit that if Montana hadn’t gotten sick, that he most likely would have quit school or maybe worse.
The pain and emptiness inside his heart only grew more intense sitting by his dad and his brother’s grave. He was both angry and scared at the same time, uncertain what to do. The look in Noah’s eyes as he had left told him that if he could, he’d fight his parents till eventually they gave in. That meant that no matter what he would be looking at a rough year at school, for both him and Noah. Then there was Arizona to think about. She was a true Northwood and no doubt she’d throw in her two cents if people picked on him and Noah.
God that would be all his folks would need. Him to come home battered or hurt every night and his sister too. How much could his folks take? They weren’t exactly young and besides, losing Montana seemed to have knocked the life from them. His dad never laughed really, his mom barely ever smiled a real smile. How could he do that to them when most likely Noah would dump him in the end?
Okay maybe he wouldn’t, but Noah didn’t know how rough it could get. He had no clue as to how mean kids could be. He was already choked by just some spray painting on the locker, how would he feel when his locker would be trashed and all over the floor? How would he feel when kids would make fag jokes in class and the teacher laugh along with the others? He had seen it, he knew how it felt and right now, right now he just wished the whole world would simply blow up or something.
For a brief time he had felt normal, felt like everything bad had suddenly been pushed away. Why couldn’t it have stayed like that? His eyes searched upwards, almost as if he was asking God. Okay he had thought that he didn’t believe, but like his dad said, you had to have something. Maybe he should give God another chance or maybe he should just grow up and accept that life sucked? All he knew was how much it hurt to think of going back to school tomorrow, of maybe having to face Noah and finding out that they couldn’t see each other anymore, or worse that they could. God how could he think this way? Didn’t he care about Noah or did he care for his own ass more?
Was he a coward? The thought had entered his mind a few times last night. Why did it matter so much this time if he got into fights? Why did it matter if he lost or not? It never really mattered before but now it bugged him. Maybe before it was just him and he never had thought about how it affected his parents or even Montana? Could it be that? Still, if he was really in love with Noah, shouldn’t he not be worried about this stuff? Shouldn’t he be more worried about what Noah’s parents might do or that they might not be allowed to see each other?
“I am scared”
“I know son”
“No, I don’t think you do, I mean I am scared of fighting”
“Of fighting or of fighting for Noah?”
“Both I guess”
“You afraid of losing?”
“A bit, but no, I think its something else, I just don’t know what”
“You not sure Noah is worth it?”
“I don’t know… maybe, or maybe that I am not worth it?”
Gary sat there with his head tilted upwards and his eyes blurred by the rays of the sun. The pain in his chest was real as he listened to the soft voice of his son knowing how much he was in pain. He didn’t know the answers to give him either which only increased his own feelings of guilt. He was supposed to help his boys but so far all he had done was lose one and now was maybe going to lose another one.
To tell him to walk away was on his lips but was that what he should say? To tell his son to back off would mean a lot less headaches for Dakota but also for him. Was he willing to tell him that because he believed it was the right course for his boy or was it because it would mean less trouble for him? God how do you know the truth he wondered, how?
Oh he had spoken the right words, about faith and everything but here he was, once more trying to wrestle with the truth and not knowing which way to turn. Did Dakota really feel that Noah might not be the one or was that simply his fear? Did he maybe worry about what his love with this boy might do to all of them so he was trying to find a way to back out?
If Dakota really did believe that Noah wasn’t the one for him then he needed to spare them all the grief that would come from seeing him now. If that was for real, if deep in his heart he really was unsure then he had to tell Dakota to back off, but was it real? There was no way for him to know or was there? His eyes narrowed as he stared upwards, searching his memory for something that was nagging at him, something that might help him give Dakota the right answers.
“You have been thinking about this since his parents came or before?”
“Kind of before, just before I guess”
“Why? Did he do something, say something?”
He really wasn’t sure how to explain it to his dad. Was it that he said it or was it maybe more than that? All he knew was that he got a chill when he heard school but if he was honest, it wasn’t really what he said as to what he thought. God was he hopeless but maybe if he talked about it, maybe he could figure it out?
“Said… it was about school”
“I see”
“I don’t, am I being a coward?”
He could hear the pain in his son’s voice. Worse he could even see it in his face. Gary’s heart ached too as he realized that there was a lot more to this. His instincts told him that it really wasn’t Noah had said or maybe not even what he had or hadn’t done, but that maybe Dakota was feeling tired, already beaten by all that had gone on with Montana. For a moment he once more hated this whole gay stuff, wishing for a mere instant that Dakota were normal. Then as the idea crept in he felt the shame too, because Dakota was normal, to say he wasn’t just because he was gay was being like all the others. God, what a world he thought as he tried to figure out how to answer his son. Part of him knew some of what he said was from fear, but was that it? Maybe some was from Dakota simply being tired, exhausted from having to be something he wasn’t and it was wearing him down.
“Depends I suppose on why you feel this way, sometimes you have to walk away, but tell me, why did you bring Noah out to the house? I don’t think you ever brought anyone home, why him?”
“I dunno, seemed right I suppose”
“He that good in, uh, he good as a… shit, he good in bed?”
“No… not really I guess, maybe in time, uh… this is weird, I don’t… I mean…”
Christ how do you talk about sex with your son when you didn’t even know what his kind of sex was? He had some idea but he just couldn’t quite figure it all out, still maybe that was part of this whole thing for Dakota, then again in his heart he was pretty well certain it had nothing to do with sex. He had to make sure and maybe in the process help Dakota realize that as well.
“Yeah but, well I know, feels damn strange talking to your dad about your gay partner, still… I mean, well if he isn’t that good, why then? Why bring him home to us?”
“It isn’t that I didn’t enjoy it, actually I did, I suppose you could say that it felt the best but wasn’t… I don’t know, shit. I never felt so good as when we were doing it, but after, I mean the actual stuff… it wasn’t done like… like it should be…”
“You mean emotionally he can’t be beat but in the style or technique he stunk?”
“Christ that sounds so… but yeah, I guess that is what I mean”
“Maybe he’s not as experienced as you?”
“God no he isn’t, this was uh, this was his first time”
“Oh shit”
“Yeah… maybe I rushed him and well, I don’t know, maybe he, damn I don’t know, it seemed so right then, but later, in thinking about it…”
“After he mentioned school?”
Was his dad trying to tell him he was a coward? Okay yeah the sex had been super, not sure how else he could describe it okay in style, maybe it wasn’t the best, but so what? Wasn’t it how he felt that counted and he knew, deep down he knew that what he had felt had been real. So was it the sex?
Staring at his feet he could feel his insides again, feel that strange glow that Noah gave him when they touched. There was no mistaking how that felt and yet here he was, trying to make out like it felt less than it was. Was it a way to make him feel better about what he was thinking?
“Kind of”
“Until then you didn’t care if his uh, his style was off?”
“No, never thought about it, I just… I don’t know, I feel so confused. I want to be with him, least part of me says I do, but then, well part of me says I am asking for trouble”
“Trouble or getting beaten up?”
For just a second he wanted to scream out yes, but he bit his tongue instead. Couldn’t his father understand that it was more than just that? How could he not be afraid of getting the crap kicked out of him or worse. Sure he wanted Noah, but he wasn’t sure if he could handle the responsibility it meant. Was he really just afraid of fighting or that he wasn’t sure if he loved Noah? Either way he guessed he was fucked.
“Maybe that, but no, not really. I guess I keep seeing him, beaten up and looking at me so disappointed, like I let him down”
“You didn’t beat him up”
“No, but if I lose the fights he could get hurt, then it would be my fault. Don’t you see? I don’t want to have him disappointed in me, I’d rather he hate me instead”
“So if you tell him you don’t love him, he will be safe, he won’t get hurt and you won’t get into fights you might lose, which means he won’t get hurt or disappointed in you, is that it?”
“Yeah, guess so”
“So all this talk about him not pleasing you, that’s what?”
“I don’t know, being stupid?”
“No, maybe its trying to convince yourself that you don’t care for him like you know you do, makes it easier to get him to hate you then doesn’t it?”
He did care for him though, so how could it be that? Why didn’t he understand that he just didn’t want to be the one who had to do all this? Maybe it was that he was sure how he felt, just that he wasn’t so sure about Noah? Hell he was Noah’s first, maybe it was just infatuation or something? Maybe it was because they came from two different types of life, or maybe he just wasn’t certain that Noah would stand by him?
“No, well maybe a bit”
“Also gives you a good excuse for trying to hide that hurt you have inside, that hole where you keep his feelings. That way when you miss him and it aches so much, you can have an excuse all ready, that he really wasn’t good in bed, or his hair was too short, or something, right?”
“No, you make it sound so cruel, I don’t think like that, I care for him, I just don’t want to fight, I don’t want to get him hurt because I lose, I’d rather remember him as it was up in the tree house than him lying somewhere being disappointed cause I couldn’t lick some dude, it is for him…”
“Him or for you?”
“Me? No, I can handle a few bruises and stuff”
“I know, I know too that Montana could as well but even he was reaching his end when he got the news. God only knows how it would have all played out if he hadn’t gotten sick, and that Dakota is what worries you now, isn’t it?”
Yes okay? That was some of it, he had seen it and felt it. He had seen the pain in his brother each time he had to go to school, saw the fear that he tried to hide from everyone. Yes that was it, part of it anyhow. He didn’t want to feel like dirt all day long. What was so wrong in just wanting to go on as things were, without risking everyone knowing? Yes he wanted Noah too but Noah couldn’t keep it quiet, there was no way he wouldn’t let something slip, then what? Couldn’t his dad understand that simple thing, he didn’t want to be gay?
“Some I suppose”
“A lot maybe? Maybe you wonder what Noah would do, maybe all this is simply that you don’t care for him, maybe he was just a what, a quick romp? Is that how you look at him?”
“NO! Shit I don’t think of him that way, he is more than that. Christ he has a smile to die for, and he’s smart too, you don’t know how smart he is. There are lots of things about him that I like, stuff like how he laughs, the way he smells even. I know its hard to imagine, but he has talent too, he can act and he might not be good at sports but he can do lots of other stuff and…”
“And yet you want to dump him”
He just didn’t understand it. Noah was everything a guy could want, could even ask for even. Trouble was, deep down in his own heart he felt dirty, felt ashamed of being just what Noah wasn’t afraid of. He didn’t want to be gay, he didn’t’ want to go thru his whole life wondering if the person would find out or if they would attack him. He just wanted to be like all the others, go thru school and not worry about fighting, not worry about who would be next. Was that so wrong or selfish? Yes he wanted Noah, but damn it why couldn’t Noah be a girl and he normal?
“No, it is just… damn I wish I knew what to say”
“Say what is in your heart son, forget the logic, Christ if I listened to my brain back when I was first met your mother none of you kids would have been born”
“What does that… I don’t see how…”
“Dakota, faith isn’t just about God, faith is about believing in what you can’t see or in what doesn’t make sense. Your heart is telling you how it feels, your mind is telling you it doesn’t make sense, that it is risky, dangerous even but if you have faith in what your heart says, if you have faith in that love you feel for him, then all this worry won’t amount to a hill of beans”
“But what if I am not good enough for him? What if I fail him? What if…”
“What if a bus hits you, what if a tornado comes and takes us all away or what if you are good enough for him?”
“Or not?”
He looked over at his son and wondered what it was that was eating at him. Dakota had never seemed so insecure before or dejected either. Even Montana’s death hadn’t made him seem this lost, this confused. Looking at him he tried to reach inside, to try and find that one spot where the truth lay. Could Dakota be a coward was one thought but he had seen him, seen how he had this way that no coward could have. No, Dakota wasn’t a coward in that sense. He would fight if pushed, if he had reason to so what then?
Staring at the boy’s face he could see the fear in his eyes but there was something else as well. There was hatred in the eyes but for what he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t Noah or him so what? What was making his son want to pass up an opportunity that may never come his way again? It was hard enough in the straight world to find a companion, doubly harder in his son’s world. Why would he give up something that he even admitted felt right, felt good?
“Dakota…”
They both turned around at the sudden voice that came to them. Gary saw a tall man standing a bit behind the young boy and he could see the lines of strain on his face even from here. His heart ached as he saw the warm glow on the boy’s face as he waited for Dakota to answer him. Inside he knew it wasn’t the right time, that it was not a blessing.
Dakota seemed to jump at the sound of his name from behind and as he turned and saw Noah standing there, his heart felt like it would break apart. God this wasn’t what he wanted, not now. There was still so much he wanted to think about, to get straight but then looking at him seeing him standing there he knew that now was just as good as any other time.
“Noah… how, I mean…”
“We went to your place first, your mom told us how to get here… uh, you okay?”
“Uh… yeah, yeah I am fine, uh, your dad, does this mean that…”
“He’s cool Dakota, he isn’t going to stop us… I told you, didn’t I?”
“Uh yeah, yeah you did…”
Why wasn’t Dakota jumping up and down? He looked so sad, so unhappy that his own joy began to weaken a little. He hadn’t been sure what he expected but this wasn’t it. Something was up but he still couldn’t quite feel what. He was just too excited by the change of events and all he could think about was sharing it with Dakota. Hell part of him was hoping that he could stay the night with him, and maybe this time he could, well maybe this time he would last longer.
All the way here all he could think about was how good it would feel to put his arms around Dakota. He could almost taste the salt that would come from having Dakota’s mouth pressed against his as they would hug and kiss and all of that but now, now that seemed just a distant dream as Dakota only stared up at him, hardly even moving.
“What’s wrong? You don’t sound thrilled… didn’t you understand? My folks, they aren’t going…”
“I understand, uh, shit… let’s go over there, okay?”
“Okay, but…”
“Please”
Noah felt a cold chill creep into his body at the pleading word that came from Dakota. He had slowly stood up, as if he was dreading having to stand next to him even. Something was wrong and for a moment or two he was certain it had to do with Dakota’s own parents. Maybe they objected to him, but he could handle that. If he could convince his parents that they were right for each other, he could convince Dakota’s.
They walked down the hill a bit and then Dakota turned to look at Noah. He could see the shining face and glowing eyes which only made him hurt even more. He knew he had no choice really even though he doubted if anyone would understand. Maybe if Montana was still here he might but maybe not even him. He sighed as he let his eyes stare down at the grass instead of looking into Noah’s face.
“Look Noah, uh, I been thinking…”
“Me too, I know that…”
“Let me talk okay?”
There was a sharpness to Dakota’s voice that only made him tremble more. He felt a coldness deep inside his heart as he tried to look at Dakota, but instead Dakota kept looking away. Noah felt panic as he wondered what had happened, wondering why suddenly he felt so alone, so empty inside. All the way here he had felt like nothing could stop him from being with Dakota, with the person he loved. Now it all felt like he was about to have his whole world once more explode in his face. First his parents last night and now Dakota?
“Uh yeah, okay, what is it? I get the idea you aren’t… your dad doesn’t want us to be together, is that it?”
“No, he is okay with it”
“Oh good, man you had me worried”
“Noah it is me, okay? Me. I don’t want to us to be together, okay?”
Noah stood there, silent as his eyes opened wide and he stared at Dakota. The wind seemed to rustle the tree behind him a bit louder or maybe it was the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces, he wasn’t sure which. He shook his head as if maybe he had heard wrong, but looking at Dakota he knew he heard him right. It didn’t make sense as he felt a strange dullness in the pit of his stomach. Where he had felt nothing but joy was now empty of any feeling. The sun was shining but to his eyes it felt like he was suddenly caught in a black hole of space. There was no light or warmth as he stood there, his body trembling as the words banged around inside of him, cutting him into tiny pieces.
“Huh? Dakota… what?”
“I can’t, I just can’t be, I know that it is maybe the worst mistake but I can’t Noah, I just can’t”
“But last night… why? What did I do? You have to tell me, please Dakota…”
“I just don’t want a boyfriend, I thought I did, I am sorry, but…”
“No, no that isn’t it, what is it? Tell me… Christ was I that bad last night, I can learn to be better, give me a chance, please…”
Why couldn’t he just accept what he said? Christ he was such a drama, no, no that was wrong, it wasn’t Noah’s fault for this, it was his and he felt the pain inside. Just like his dad said, he was using excuses to make it easier but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t want to be gay, how could he tell Noah that? How could he tell anyone that who he was wasn’t what he wanted? It wasn’t like anyone could change it for him, not even God if there was one. Maybe that was why he didn’t believe anymore, because all his prayers and wishes had fallen on a deaf ear?
Dakota shivered a little as he glanced up at Noah’s pain riddled face. He could see the tears already rolling down his face and he wanted to just reach out, grab him and hug him and tell him to forget it, that he did want him but he held back, knowing that this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t let him go on thinking it would work when inside he knew it couldn’t. His own heart ached as he looked back at the grass, wishing it would just open and swallow him up, knowing too that it wouldn’t.
“No it isn’t that, you were awesome, I just, I just don’t want a boyfriend, I uh, I don’t want to be tied down to one person… that is all”
“But… that isn’t what you said, there has to be something else, please, I don’t want to be a part from you Dakota, God please…”
“It just isn’t what I want.. I thought I did but I don’t, there isn’t any other reason, honest”
The shock was making him shake as he stood there. His whole world was suddenly gone and he didn’t know why. Everything he had hoped for seemed within reach this morning and now it simply didn’t even exist. How could Dakota have changed so much in such a short time? He loved him, he had said so only last night and yet now, now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at him. What had he done? What?
“I don’t believe you”
“It’s the truth Noah, besides, you’ll find someone else, you are cute”
It was like a light had gone off. He stepped back a step in disbelieve. Could it be that he had been wrong about Dakota? He didn’t think so but it was almost as if all he was to Dakota was a fuck. That was impossible but he had read about that, how some guys liked virgins and their tight Asses. Could that be all that Dakota had been wanting, to have his dick in Noah’s virgin ass?
The pain and confusion began to turn to anger as he heard the words echo in his head. How could Dakota say that, didn’t he know that he loved him? Did he really think that all Noah had wanted was to get fucked? Shit how could he do that to him? He had tried and all Dakota could say was that he was cute? Cute?
“Is that all I am to you? Cute?”
“No, but… I am sorry”
“Fuck that… Christ do you know what kind of hell I went through last night? I fought for us, I risked getting thrown out of my home for us, how can you just… how?”
Why couldn’t Noah let it go? It was over, there were plenty of other guys for him to drool over, why did he seem so fixed on it being him? Christ, he had lots of others, none of them made this kind of fuss before, so why did Noah have to? His own anger flashed out as he finally let his eyes meet Noah’s.
“Look, I didn’t ask you to do any of that, don’t blame me for that.”
“Who should I blame? Christ, you make it sound like all I was was some fuck, is that it? Was I just some tight ass that you wanted to fuck?”
“I guess, if that’s what you want to think”
“What else am I supposed to think?”
“Look, at least I am telling you now before it got worse, okay? Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“Yeah I guess we can. Fuck Dakota, I thought you were special, God I only wanted to please you, how can you…”
“It isn’t you Noah, it is me, okay? I know you are pissed but later, well, later maybe you’ll know that this was for the best”
“So you say”
“Yeah”
“FUCK You!”
He turned and ran up the hill, pushing past Dakota’s dad and past his own father who stared at him with his mouth open. He had heard some of what was being said and he didn’t know what to do. His eyes looked at Dakota’s father with a puzzled look and all he could get was a deep sense of sadness. Something had gone on but he didn’t know exactly what. He saw his son rushing past with tears streaming down his face and all he could think of was how much he wished he had never heard of this Dakota or their whole twisted family.
Without a word he turned and followed his son away from the two others. He didn’t know what had happened but inside he felt a bit relieved. At least now he wouldn’t have to worry about coming home tomorrow to find out if his son had been beaten up or not. At least for now he wouldn’t have to worry all night if his son would be hurt or if he was using proper precautions when with that boy. He shook his head as he trudged along the manicured grass feeling thankful on the one hand, angry and hurt on the other.
This whole gay stuff was too much to comprehend. Part of him was relieved at the turn of events while an other part was outraged. Didn’t that Dakota boy know what he was missing out on? Didn’t he know how good of a person his son was? Well it was his loss and not Noah’s and he knew that he would have a tough time trying to explain that to Noah. God why was life so damn hard on the kids?
Gary watched Noah and his father leave. His heart felt heavy as he turned from them to stare over at his own son. Part of him felt relief and yet even as he tried to make it seem okay, he knew deep down that what Dakota had done was a mistake, even perhaps wrong. There was no doubt that Dakota was confused and scared but still, Noah had been a bright spot in his life until he had to face reality. Now he had turned that bright spot away, and for what? It was only postponing reality because eventually his son would be found out, didn’t he know that?
“Son…”
“Please dad, not now”
“No, I am sorry, I know you are hurting…”
He just wanted to run, to run and keep on running until his legs gave out. Why did he have to be here, why did he have to go through all this? Wasn’t it bad enough that he just ruined whatever hope he ever had at being happy? Wasn’t it enough that he had hurt the one person who loved him for him? God wasn’t it bad enough to have lost his brother, but now this?
“Dad Please! Not now”
“Dakota, you can’t run from it”
“I can try”
“At what cost son?”
“Any cost”
“Even your soul?”
“I have no soul”
“No?”
“No”
“Then why are you crying?”
He stared up at his father who had slowly made his way down to where he had been standing. He could feel the love in the man’s face and he wished he knew what to do, it felt so hard to be who he was. Why didn’t it feel better now? Why was he crying?
All he wanted was to be happy, to not have to worry about what he said or how it might be taken. He just wanted to run and laugh like anyone else, to feel the love of someone and to love someone. Why did it have to be a guy? Why did he have to be different? Wasn’t it enough for God to have made Montana that way, why did he have to make him that way too? He didn’t want to be gay, he just wanted to have what everyone else had and now he knew that he never would. There would be no walks in the woods, no hugs when he felt sore or hurt, no kisses to help make the day seem brighter and all because he was a coward. All because all he could think of was himself but how could he love Noah if he couldn’t love himself? How could he stand up for Noah and him when he himself didn’t want to be gay?
Gary reached out and gently tilted up his son’s chin, looking him in the eyes and he could see the pain deep within him. He could feel his pain now and it made him tremble as he put his hand on Dakota’s shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him lightly on his forehead. He let the tall blonde boy fall into his arms and he could feel the sobs as the tears that flowed from his son’s eyes drenched his shirt.
His arms wrapped around the trembling figure and he felt Dakota’s own arms suddenly close around his waist. He felt their strength as they dug deep into his body and held on as if life itself depended it. The deep sobs only told him how much agony his son was in and he looked upwards, wishing he knew what to do. His lips parted slightly as he prayed silently, begging God to give him the strength and wisdom on what to do for his son. He felt his own tears now rolling down his face as he too hung on, knowing that it was no longer in his control.
