Story - The Lottery (4)

The Lottery

Part 4

He sat back in the chair and felt totally full. Jock had prepared a nice light meal that had surprised him really. There was no mistaking that the guy could cook which made Paul wondered just what was Jock’s vocation? The way he had moved around the kitchen showed a sense of familiarity that only a cook or chef could have.

Paul enjoyed good food and cooking. It was one of his hobbies and he had to admit, the way Jock sliced the veggies up, cut up the various food he knew how to cook as if he was a professional. Yet he was tentative in asking him. The curiosity was eating at him but he sensed the unease still in Jock. The last thing he wanted to do was make Jock feel any more uncomfortable than he already felt.

Just handing him the cheque for the food had made him curse Mark a few extra times in his mind. There was no mistaking the relief that Jock felt at having the money but there also was a sort of embarrassment that piqued his interest. Surely if the guy was a profession cook, he could make a decent wage but something about the man told Paul that Jock wasn’t working as a chef or cook.

They hadn’t talked much really during the lunch which wasn’t as awkward as it maybe sounded. Both of them it seemed weren’t much for talking while food was on the table. For Paul it was something he had learned from his childhood and he expected the same was true for Jock. It didn’t even feel strange to have him there and he kept telling himself that he could easily get used to this type of arrangement. The only real question was would Jock feel that way?

Paul had to admit, the idea of him and Jock was growing on him. Still there was the age difference. It had to be at least 30 years he figured, but maybe as friends it could work out? Okay, other than Tommy he really didn’t have any friends who were close to him in age or thinking. At least with Tommy they could share things that most men Jock’s age couldn’t even consider. Maybe he was just over reacting to finally meeting Jock or maybe it was something else? Whatever the reason he wished he could just come out and ask him but as much as his heart seemed to be pushing for it, his mind still held the final word.

Jock had insisted on cleaning up even though there was a dishwasher. Paul acquiesced as he didn’t want to tarnish the man’s enthusiasm. As well it gave him an opportunity to study the man who had haunted his dreams for such a long time and with such intensity. So far he had to admit that the reality of meeting Jock had been more than he had hoped for. In some ways it was exactly as how he had thought it would be, and he shivered a bit at that notion.

Hell the lunch had been exactly how he had dreamed it would be. That in itself frightened him because how could he have dreamed it so perfectly? How could reality be just as his fantasy was? Could be too that his memory was playing tricks on him and just letting reality fill in the missing blanks from his dreams but it all felt right. There was no mistaking how good it felt to just be in the same room as Jock, never mind sitting at the table sharing a meal.

That was a good meal you put together…

Thanks, kind of easy really, you had everything.

Somehow I think there was a bit more to it. You took classes?

He didn’t know why but it felt rather special that Paul had enjoyed the meal. It hadn’t been anything difficult but he had taken his time, trying to make it simple & yet enjoyable. To know that it was appreciated gave him a nice glow, something he hadn’t really felt in a very long time.

Classes? Cooking… yeah, finished last year.

So you are a chef then?

No, not really. I suppose if I wanted to pursue it I could, which I might.

I don’t… I mean I know its none of my business but…

No that’s okay. I worked in a restaurant while going for my teaching degree. I enjoyed it and thought after I got my degree I’d take night classes in cooking, that’s all.

Oh, I see, so you are a teacher then? What grade?

I teach High School, or I did, I don’t know, guess I’ll find out.

The way Jock’s face suddenly grew taut made him wince inside actually. He hated it when he saw the flash of pain crossing Jock’s brown eyes. They looked so dark & rich and yet every now & then Paul could see those flashes of pain. It was almost as if the man was desperately trying not to cry even when there was nothing obviously wrong. It was, well it was like he had a deep hurt that kept trying to surface. He knew that feeling well, he had it so many times himself ever since Jason had died. It was the pain of regret.

I don’t, I mean…

They let me go where I have been teaching, High School English actually.

Let you go? I thought teachers were in demand in the city?

Yeah well, my uh, my situation kind of made me expendable I suppose.

It was the way he said it that made Paul’s heart ache. He felt the sweat on the palms of his hands as he knew instinctively what Jock had meant. There was no denying the man’s deep pain or shame either. God how he hated the way some people were towards those who were different. He had been on the receiving end too many times himself, it just never really did go away. As he felt Jock’s pain he also felt his own pain even though it had long since passed. He shook his head as he thought how he would just like to have the nerve to reach out and gather the man in his arms, to just hold him and tell him it was okay. It was his wish but his hands remained at his side as he too looked away, feeling the pain only growing more intense.

I am sorry to hear that, bet you are a good teacher, kids like you?

I suppose, not easy to tell these days, but I did enjoy it, least I thought I did. It is like, well like you have these kids, and you can sometimes feel like if you could just say the right thing, explain something just the right way that you might cause a spark or something. I guess I am just a romantic or idealistic, but teaching was something I really wanted to do.

Paul had watched Jock’s face closely as he had spoke. In some ways it was almost as if the man was off somewhere, like he was on a different plane or level as he talked about teaching and what it meant to him. In many ways Paul could relate to it, after all it was how he had felt so many years ago himself.

As he thought about it he realized that really it wasn’t all that long ago. Maybe just a few years even and he wondered what had happened to make him change? Why had he become so disillusioned when his entire life had been driven by the passion to impart wisdom, to pass on his own deep love for something as basic as a collection of words? He shook his head a little as his eyes misted over for the lost passion he once had.

I know that feeling, it is a sign of the times I guess, I don’t know, yet when you do find one of those special ones, you know, the kind who suddenly opens their eyes and you can just see their mind glowing as you speak. Then it seems to make it all worthwhile, but, they are becoming far and few between.

Sounds like you were a teacher…

I was, taught law at Stanford back in the city.

There had been a strange feeling of embarrassment as he had spoke about teaching and yet now he turned his head sideways to get a better look at Paul. There was something different about him from all the other gay men he had met. There was a spark in Paul’s eyes when he had spoke about seeing kids wake up to the beauty of what he had been teaching. He knew that feeling himself though he had to admit it was becoming harder to find, still it was amazing that someone else could feel it like he had.

There was more to in how Paul seemed to accept him as an equal. Here he was a professor of law and yet it was like talking to any other teacher fresh from college. It felt strange because he had never really expressed himself like this before, least not so easily. Oh he had tried once or twice but had gotten such distant & strange looks that for the most part he kept his idealism hidden. It felt strangely comforting to know that there were others who shared the same exhilarations as he once had.

Law? Wow, I never would have… so you gave up because of the money?

Well, partly, I was considering early retirement before, but then the budget cuts were coming again, so this time I figured why hang on when I don’t need to, the thrill had more or less gone for me.

I hate that feeling.

Yeah, it sort of taints everything. Uh, you going to try for another teaching job?

I don’t know. My situation, it kind of…

Jock’s voice had trailed off and Paul could see the pain clearly now in the eyes and face. It was the look he recognized from seeing him walking along the beach last summer. He knew it himself and he felt his own pain suddenly mingling with Jocks as he spoke softly, his heart beating just a bit faster as he tried to impart some comfort, some sense of it being okay.

Want to tell me about it?

He didn’t know why but he didn’t feel so bad in thinking of explaining it to Paul. There was a comfort zone that just seemed to magically appear between them. He sighed a little wishing he could just sit down and never leave this place. It felt so calming, almost as if the weight of the world was barred from entry by the huge wooden front doors of the house.

Nothing much to say really. I am your typical gay I guess, I tried to deny what I wanted, went so far as to get a girl pregnant, married her and then she, well she found out.

Kids?

Yeah, two, one 12 the other 14 and yet as much as I miss them, I have more or less got used to the notion that they don’t want me in their lives. Guess at that age I can’t says as I blame them.

Paul saw a small tear at one corner of Jock’s brown eyes. He felt the pain in each word spoken as he saw the hurt, the shame all welling up. It was something many anti gay people never realized, that being gay didn’t mean you were devoid of the same desire of family that non gays had. He knew it was a sad thought to know you could never have children or that if you did that most likely it meant you had to keep who you were secret. Very few were ever able to manage that deception for a lifetime, then the pain, the hurt, the recriminations were ten fold worse.

He felt the pain as it seemed to just rip through Jock’s body. The small tremor that made the cheek quiver a little as the young man struggled with the emotions that tore at his heart. You could see the love inside of him for his children but you also could see his own self recrimination. No matter what anyone else might say or do to him, there was no mistaking that it would never equal Jock’s own feelings of regret.

Mother not very supportive of having you in their lives?

That’s an understatement. It is like she is suddenly the leader of the anti gay movement or something. She’s made this last year pure hell, but, well, in some ways I can’t blame her.

In some small way it was like seeing a door open as he stared at Jock. He could see the inner struggle going on as the man tried to make sense of all that had happened to him. He could see how Jock felt like he had somehow betrayed his family and yet at the same time knew he couldn’t deny who he was. There was some small relief too but as Paul watched Jock’s face he could also see the self recriminations almost consuming him. In some ways he knew it was no different than his own feelings.

Oh come on Jock, how can you be so forgiving?

I lied to her, its not something I am proud of Paul, but I did. I deceived her for 15 years, and well, isn’t that enough?

I don’t know, sure it can make a person upset, angry even but I don’t think you are the type who lied simply to get a piece of tail or for anything like that. Surely that has to count and even if not, it just isn’t grounds for vindictiveness, least not in my books.

Thanks, I mean… I don’t know. I guess I am still in some way not, well not comfortable with how I feel about all this. It sure pisses Mark off.

Lots of things piss Mark off, I wouldn’t let it get to you.

I try not to, just that, well… it isn’t easy. He certainly isn’t the most sympathetic of guys, still he did more or less save my ass, literally.

Paul’s eyebrows arched up at that confession and he wondered what it was that Mark had done to elicit such devotion really. He could see the distaste in Jock’s eyes for something but what he just couldn’t piece together. Still it was intriguing and he wished he could just come out and ask, but he didn’t want to seem like he was prying. Still he had to admit it through him into a swirling whirl of thoughts that weren’t exactly comforting.

He just couldn’t seem to shake the notion that Jock was special. His whole image of him had been built up on simply observing him walk along a sandy beach and yet here he was, in the flesh. Nothing he had done had altered his fantasy about who Jock was & yet in some ways it felt even more intense, more akin to what he had always dreamed of.

Oh? Mark can be sweet at times, he does have his moments of doing the right thing, but for the most part Mark is guided by his dick more than his heart, and if not his dick then he’s listening to the calculator he calls his brain.

You sure do know him well.

I suppose, I have known Mark for many years and seen him in action more times than I care to recall I guess, but all in all he isn’t a bad type. Don’t get me wrong, just his values aren’t mine is all. Look, how about I show you around the place? You can be my first real visitor to see the place.

Really? I mean I’d have thought… uh sorry, that isn’t sounding right.

That’s okay, remember I am the guy on the beach Jock, I read while the others play, I am not the social animal, never have been, guess its because I am dull and I accept that.

Dull? I don’t think so.

Nice of you to say but once you get to know me you’ll see.

No, I don’t know why, but I don’t think I’d ever find you dull, I doubt that, uh, well…

Doubt what? That you’ll get to know me?

No… no not that, I’d like to get… I mean, I’d not think you were dull… shit.

It’s okay, I think I know what you mean to say.

I am sorry…

Jock, you don’t have to apologize.

I know, it is just, damn, I am not good with people on a… on a personal level I suppose. Mark says I am too much of a wimp. Guess he’s right.

No, this time I think Mark is wrong, look, enough of Mark and what he thinks, come on… let me show you around.

Okay… if you sure its not a bother?

No, somehow I doubt if you could ever be a bother.

Jock just looked at Paul with a sense of peace he hadn’t felt in a long time. The more he talked to Paul the more he felt like he was actually at home with his books. It was a strange feeling to have. There was this warmth that he felt coming from Paul that made him feel at ease and yet at the same time made him feel exhilarated. He couldn’t explain it as they walked along the wide corridors of the home to see the renovations.

There wasn’t a lot of furniture in the house just yet but he loved the sound of their shoes on the hardwood floors. He kept stealing glances down at the polished finish and felt a strange warmth. It was almost as if the house breathed because of the wood floors and he felt kind of pleased as Paul explained how he had ripped up the carpets. It gave him a new sense of admiration for the man which was rather bizarre. It was as if Paul was the hero he had always wanted to have. A man who didn’t do extra ordinary things, but who just did his best. It was refreshing and he felt at ease until they entered the double doors of the library.

Paul felt a rush of pride as he watched the way Jock’s eyes lit up as they entered the library. It was his own pride and joy and watching the pure pleasure cross Jock’s face made him tingle all over. It was so amazing to find someone else who had a love, a sense of passion really, for books that he felt like some schoolboy getting his first ‘A’ on a test. In some strange bizarre way he felt like he had passed the ultimate test and yet he didn’t even know Jock.

He couldn’t help but smile as Jock walked into the large room and stared at the massive shelves. Paul saw how his eyes moved over the empty one’s directly over to the full ones. Paul stood still as Jock walked over to the one wall that held his collection of law books. He saw how the man let his fingers graze over the titles, a twinkle sparkled from the dark eyes as his hands touched the spine of the ancient texts.

There was no mistaking Jock’s love of books as he walked slowly past the shelves, his hands touching a few of the more ancient books. Then he turned and smiled at Paul, telling him he felt like a kid in a candy store. God the way his face had shone as he spoke made Paul’s heart ache with pride & pure pleasure. Then he watched as Jock moved over to the other wall, to stare at Paul’s collection of fiction and works of literature.

The way Jock would top moving, the way his head would tilt to read the title and on one or two occasions the way he would lovingly take a book out and stare at it. His finger would gently caress the cover as he read the title and then replaced the book with a sense of adoration that only Paul thought he had for books. The pleasure he was feeling was almost beyond belief and for a moment or two Paul thought that he had to be dreaming this. No one could have such an affection for books as he did but there it was. He could see it in each movement of Jock’s body, each pause of his hand that showed his deep feelings.

His eyes glittered as he stared at the tall man walking so slowly across the floor. His shoulders were set straight and you could see the joy he was having in just seeing all those neatly lined up novels. Paul had never felt such pride before and he didn’t know what to say as he listened to the brief exclamations that escaped Jock’s lips every now and then. It was indeed like a proud father showing his brood off to strangers. He had this insane urge to tell Jock to pick out a book, to get him to go and sit down in one of the rich deep armchairs he had set up. God how he would fit the chair he thought as he saw Jock picking up a leather jacketed book and turn it over in his hands.

You couldn’t mistake the pleasure he was having and yet there was a sense of panic too. For one brief instant Paul felt like it was a dream, then in a flash he felt guilty too because he had to admit, watching Jock touch his books was making him feel amorous and excited. He could feel the blood rushing to his groin which was strange. Not many men could excite him in such a way & even as the memories of his brief exploits in Europe flashed before him, the feelings he was having now were so much more intense that it made those memories seem like schoolboy affairs.

The pain in his crotch suddenly grew almost unbearable as Jock turned to stare at him. He saw the glimmer of a tear in the man’s eyes as he looked at him. The dark rich brown of his eyes seemed awash in a shimmering glow as the man stared at him with what one could only describe as utter adoration.

It’s a first edition… how did you, I mean, Paul this is fantastic… how can you not want to just live in here? I mean… this is so… so unbelievable, it is… God… All these books, have you read them all? I mean… I…

Paul felt like his breath had been taken away. He had never really seen someone light up so brilliantly as Jock looked right now and all from seeing a collection of books. It was how he himself felt each time he came into this room but to see someone else feel it was stunning. He couldn’t believe his good fortune and yet he felt panic too. He didn’t want the moment to end but he knew it would. Still he couldn’t deny how much joy he was feeling or how much it was exciting him. The rush of blood down to his groin was making him light headed as he stretched his arm out to steady himself against one of the armchairs. For a brief moment he thought he could see himself in one chair, Jock in the other with a roaring fire blazing away in front. Both of them were lost in reading a book and yet he could see him turning now & then to look at Jock. Each time he would there would be Jock doing the same, staring at him.

Pretty much, some I bought in hardcover my copy, but yes, I’ve read most of them.

This is fantastic, God how I envy you…

Envy me?

To have all these… these friends here. It is like… it is just so… so…

The words were like sweet music to his ears and heart but to his mind the fear and doubts came. How could anyone so handsome, so young feel about books like did? It wasn’t possible and had to be a come on. No one Jock’s age could care for books like him. Without blinking he let his mind take control for a moment as he uttered his disgust at people.

Dull?

DULL? No… no never dull, it is perfect. I mean to have all these here, to be able to touch them whenever you want, to pull them out and sit and just enjoy them, to lose yourself in them, its ideal, I really… I am sorry, guess I sound like a real geek, it is just so… so amazing…

The instant he had spoken the word he had regretted it. Now as he stared at Jock he could see the fire inside the man. It had been missing before but now it was like Jock was consumed by the need to prove Paul wrong. He didn’t know what to make of it as he heard his heart admonishing his mind & its thoughtless remarks. Jock cared and he felt it just as he knew the sun would rise tomorrow. It was strange how the battle was suddenly being waged inside of him as he tried to accept the truth of his heart.

You really mean that?

Yes… I know, I sound like an ass, but…

No… I just, well it is how I feel about them too, they are the friends who never let you down, the comfort that is always there.

Jock felt fear rising up inside of him. He had let his guard down and in the past it had always led to pain & grief, yet this time it felt very different. It was as if the older man was more of a soul mate than a stranger. It was like he knew him and yet didn’t. For a brief second or two he had felt anger at Paul for him thinking that he was dull. How could any man who cherished such wonderful gifts as books be dull? In one moment he had felt like shaking Paul, in telling him how wrong he was and then when Paul explained to him about books, about what they meant he felt like he had come home. It was as if Paul was an older extension of himself. It terrified him as he stood there, the strange breathlessness holding him steady though he could feel the weakness in his legs as he saw the depths of emotions etched across Paul’s face.

Yes… I… I…

I know…

The chimes of the doorbell intruded and startled them both. Paul felt the anger rising up at whoever it was that had interrupted them. In some ways it was almost as if they had been intimate and yet without even touching each other. There was Jock, standing by the dark wooden shelves and he was leaning against one of the rich leather armchairs in what suddenly seemed almost miles away from Jock & yet also right next to the man. He shuddered as he smiled and hurried to find out who had dared interrupt him.

Walking out the opened double doors of the library he felt strangely aroused and he could feel the press of his manhood against the inner thigh as he moved across the hall towards the front door, wishing that whoever it was had never shown up. It was almost as if he was living his dreams the way he felt so completely enamoured by the young man behind him.

He couldn’t understand how someone he didn’t know could make him feel so happy, so content and all they had done was simply talk. It was as if there was a connection beyond words, a connection that he had only wished for last year that was now suddenly very real, very much alive. It scared him too as he glanced back briefly to see Jock staring at the rows of leather bound books on one shelf. It looked so perfect, him standing there with one book in hand and the other hand lightly caressing others.

Paul felt suddenly like he was back in time. It was as if someone had suddenly flicked a switch on inside as he felt the burning fires flickering deep down where his soul lived. It had been a long time since he had felt such warm fuzzy thoughts of passion, of desire. It was as if he was back in high school again as he felt his body picking up the pace to head to the door. In his thoughts he wanted to shoo away whoever was there so he could return to the library, to be with his intended.

Everything about Jock had surprised him and yet hadn’t. It was almost as if he knew him without having to ask. He could see it in his eyes or in how he moved. The way his hand would shake as he came across a particular favourite. Paul had seen the tremor race up and down Jock’s body as he came across the leather bound copies of Dickens and in a flash he knew that Jock loved Dickens. It wasn’t a guess but a certainty that frightened him a little. How could he know someone so completely when he had barely met the person? Yet as much as his mind worried, his heart felt strangely at peace.

The sounds of the door chimes ringing again made him irritated as it took his thoughts away from his idyllic thoughts. There was so much he wanted to say to Jock, so much that he wanted to see and watch that this intrusion was becoming unacceptable. His mind was still thinking of Jock when he opened the door to see two younger men standing there impatiently waiting. Paul recognized the one who was reaching once more for the door bell as he opened the door.

Mark…