Story – The Lottery (7) (end)
The Lottery
Part 7
He sat back in the kitchen chair watching Jock washing up. The man had refused to let Paul help and to be honest he was rather enjoying seeing the man standing at the sink. It gave him a strange sense of contentment to see someone else doing something so domestic. Still there was a small annoying twinge in his mind. One that kept telling him this was all an act, all a put on. It was times like this when he wished he could be like Mark Thayer and just go for the sex instead of constantly analyzing everything to the smallest detail.
In the back of his mind he knew that he was physically attracted to Jock, after all the guy was hot. It wasn’t that he was some jock or hard the hard body many associated with beauty. It was his eyes though that made Paul melt. The way they seemed to go right into his very soul each time their eyes locked was what made his heart beat quicken and his groin stiffen. Trouble was that inside his heart he felt like there was so much more to the man, something that made him feel alive in a sense he had never truly experienced before.
Sure there had been Jason and while he knew they had shared a love, this was totally different. If anything it felt like there was more that just an attraction. It felt almost as if they were one, sharing more than just interests or views. Hell he didn’t really know what views Jock held but something told him that where it counted, they were like Siamese twins. He couldn’t explain it but staring at him washing up only made him feel like he was alive, was truly a part of the world instead of just a spectator. It unnerved him too as he wondered if there could ever be anything between them.
The notion of having someone like Jock next to him was a thought that his heart approved of but his mind rejected. It kept throwing up age and money and anything else that was negative. Normally he listened but for the first time in his living memory he felt the power of his very soul reaching up to claim its right. He knew the turmoil that boiled within his being was not unique to him. Paul sensed that Jock also had similar thoughts or so his heart kept pounding out to his mind. It was at one moment extremely inviting and yet at the same time frightening.
Christ he was 61, why would someone Jock’s age even think about being with someone like him? It wasn’t just about looks or sexual drive even, so why did he feel that Jock wanted him? Was it the money like his mind kept saying or was it really something deeper than that? Did he crave the security of being with an older man or was it merely a foray into the lifestyle as a test, to see if the waters were warm enough? Did Jock merely look at him as an introduction to their secret world of living or did he genuinely care for him the way God intended?
You okay?
Huh?
You looked so serious, you okay?
Just for a passing second Paul was certain he could see genuine concern etched in those dark chocolate eyes. It was as if it really seemed to matter to Jock that he was okay. Strange, but it was sort of how he himself felt about Jock. He really did think that he cared about how he felt. It shook him as his mind continued to try and pry him away from his heart’s urgings.
Oh, fine, sorry, guess I was just lost in thought somewhere, sorry.
No problem, well thanks again.
For what?
Dinner.
Wasn’t really very much, uh, how about a glass of brandy? We can maybe go sit in the den?
Sure, but uh… well, about staying, I know you offered, but I can drive okay and…
Panic seemed to suddenly grab at him. Paul felt a strange fear inside as if all he wanted from life was about to simply get up and leave. He felt desperate and gulped a few times as he gathered his wits. It was weird to feel this desperate & yet he knew he had to try, had to hold onto his hope somehow.
There is a spare room, door has a lock that works and…
Jocks eyes suddenly shut and Paul watched the way his face seemed to suddenly go white. It was almost as if he had insulted him and he wanted to take back the words as he waited for Jock to respond.
I am not worried about that, sorry. It is just, I don’t want to impose…
You aren’t, come on we’ll have some brandy and sit, talk if you want or maybe you’d rather watch television?
Okay, uh, talk?
Sure if you wanted to, or we could always just kick back and listen to some music and read if you prefer?
Really? I mean, wouldn’t that be, well, you have such a great selection of books.
It felt like a light had gone off or something. The way Jock’s face suddenly lit up made Paul’s heart skip a beat or two. It felt so good to see him smile. More than that he seemed genuinely pleased by the notion. If only it was real he thought as he tried not to stare.
Tomorrow I am to pick up some new ones at the local bookstore, maybe you’d care to come along with me?
Guess that settles it then.
Settles it? What?
Me staying. With a trip to a bookstore in the offering? No way could I go home now.
Haha, well… I’ll have to remember that.
Jock looked over at Paul and smiled. The way his mouth curled and the eyes glowed almost made Paul feint. It was like he had suddenly been given the key to the country or something. His chest ached a bit from the strain as they walked slowly towards the den. Paul wasn’t sure if they’d sit and talk or just read but he didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that Jock would be sitting next to him. For whatever that meant to Jock he didn’t know but for him it was like everything was finally beginning to fall into place. This was more than his dream coming true, this was living it.
He had never had so much trouble trying to concentrate as he was finding it right now. Every few seconds all he could think of was to steal a glance over at Paul. It felt weird to be feeling this way and yet it was exactly how he felt. His heart was beating a mile a second or so it felt. He knew that he was deluding himself that someone as sophisticated as Paul could even consider him worthy but he knew he couldn’t just walk away. The whole thing was amazing really.
Ever since the party he couldn’t get Paul out of his mind. It was almost as if the man had taken over his dreams and thoughts even. He had found himself comparing Paul to Mark which really confused him. Mark was a way to get laid, he knew that now and all his fancy thoughts of a life with Mark had seemed to just evaporate once he had met Paul.
Nothing really made sense to him but the idea of him and Paul seemed to keep on growing inside his mind and in his heart. He didn’t know if it was simply from Paul being nice to him or that they shared an interest. Whatever it was it was like he had suddenly become addicted to the notion of him and Paul.
Even now, sitting here in the big leather chair only added fuel to his wild thoughts. The odour of burnt wood permeated his nostrils and yet all he could think of was that alluring aroma of Paul’s cologne. It made him swoon really and the print on the page in front of him kept blurring as he tried to make sense of it all. Was he falling in love or was he falling for the dream he had of what a relationship was? Was it Paul’s own charm or the allure of a shared interest?
Jock couldn’t decide and it troubled him because he knew that if left to him he would have gone home. He wanted above all to stay but he was scared. He knew there was a huge age difference but somehow he didn’t seem to mind. Paul was something he had never thought existed. A man who cared for literature and for life. Least that was how he had first saw Paul but now he knew there was a lot more to it. He couldn’t make up his mind as to what attracted him to Paul the most.
Ever since that party he had thought about Paul. The more the days had passed the more obsessed he felt he was becoming about the man. He couldn’t explain why either because Paul wasn’t exactly a looker. He was handsome and held his age well but he was no poster boy for gay men. Maybe that was just it, maybe he was so warped that he went for the opposite of the typical gay?
It was his curse to always mull things over until they resembled a worn out bone or something. Still he couldn’t stop thinking of Paul and even Mark had sensed it. Their relationship had cooled dramatically after the party and Jock wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted Paul or simply didn’t care for Mark’s growing demand for more sex than Jock was willing to give. It bothered him a bit but then it didn’t seem to really matter when he would think of Paul.
The notion of some man entering his rectum had always turned him off, had made him feel that he wasn’t really gay, just gay curious but then he met Paul. All that seemed to change and yet at the same time made him even more fearful of sex. He had trouble even letting Mark jerk him off never mind suck him off which was what finally led to their big fight and eventual break-up. It also was how he was finally able to get enough courage to drive up here.
Just sitting here right now with Paul next to him made him feel more gay than all the kissing, fondling or blow jobs that Mark had given him. He didn’t know why he felt this way and he was afraid that it would end at any second. He couldn’t help it, yet each time he would steal a look at Paul he felt happy, alive. It was as if the man made him whole. His mind told him he didn’t know this older man and yet his heart told him he did.
Round and round his mind and heart kept going at this and yet he seemed to know that unless Paul threw him out, this was where he wanted to be. To just be in the presence of him, to smell his cologne, to listen to him breathe was intoxicating in itself. Worse though was how it made the rest of his body react. Jock could feel the constant press of his penis against his pants as he struggled to keep a tight rein on the physical emotions that kept trying to break out.
Dinner had been a nightmare for him. All he could think about while chewing was how nice it would be to make Paul breakfast, to feel his arms around his waist while he scrambled the eggs or flipped the bacon. His heart seemed to skip several beats each time he thought about what it would be like to open his eyes and see Paul’s face next to his or to just wake up to Paul’s even breath against his cheeks.
It scared him so much that he didn’t think he could stay and yet somehow here he still was. It amazed him really. How could a stranger have such an effect on him? His mind told him that he was being dishonest, that he was merely looking for a safe port in the storm of his life. He knew that it could be true. After all there was his outing by his wife and then Mark. He didn’t know who had scarred him more but his money was on the wife for the moment.
Still the whole idea of him actually being 100% gay scared him except when dreaming about Paul. His eyes grew a bit distant as he glanced once more at the balding head reading the leather bound book. The way the white hair seemed to shimmer made his pulse race a bit. Jock wished he had the courage to just tell Paul all this, but he didn’t. He hated himself for his weakness but then that too was who he was.
His wife may be a shrew in his mind but she was right. He had deceived her in the worst possible way but how do you tell someone you thought you cared for that you weren’t interested in them? Mark seemed to have no trouble with that but then Mark had only one goal it seemed. His wife had given him two children, she had a right to be pissed but she should have known that he wasn’t the type to jump to things. Maybe he had known all along that he liked guys but even now, despite all that had gone on, he still felt like he wasn’t certain.
Yet to be honest with himself when he looked at Paul he felt like he was. When he thought of Mark or some of Mark’s friends, all he could feel was uncertainty. When he looked at other women he felt the same way so what was he? Was he gay or just a totally confused fuck? Mark had called him that and as much as it hurt him to hear it, he had to maybe agree with Mark. He was confused but deep down inside he knew the answer rested. His problem was that he was too afraid to dig down and get it for fear of what it might truly be.
His head stared up and over the opened book in his hands as he looked over to the wall above the fireplace. A small brass lamp shone lightly down on an old looking document within a glass case. His eyes couldn’t make out the writing really except for the first few letters that were enlarged. He knew it was merely a copy still to lift his face up to stare up at that document made his heart flutter a bit.
It wasn’t something he hadn’t seen hundreds of times before and yet right this second it seemed to hold some special meaning to him. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the bold old English print that seemed to shimmer in the light. His heart grew quiet as he realized that all he wanted was here, that all he had ever hoped for was right here if he dared. For the first time he realized that he couldn’t sit back and wait, that it was suddenly a choice he had to actually make.
The blood seemed to fill his ears and he could hear the roaring sound as he mind ceased its battle with his heart. Small tears came to his eyes as he put the book down on his lap, wondering why it had taken him so long to realize all that now came flooding into his mind? His body shook a little and he could feel the growing flush of excitement as he finally let his heart beat stridently inside.
With the image of the three words ‘We The People’ from the constitution etched in his mind he turned to stare once more at Paul. This time he didn’t let his gaze wander or hide as he waited for Paul to turn and face him. He could see the eyes widen as he met Paul’s gaze and he licked his lips as he made up his mind.
Paul…
Yes?
I don’t want to sleep in the spare room, if that is okay with you.
Part 8
Paul opened his eyes to see the bright rays of the sun shining in from the window. For a minute or two he thought about the night wishing that the dream hadn’t ended. His face was open in a wide smile as he thought about last night when it hit him, it wasn’t a dream, it really was real, wasn’t it? He quickly turned away from the window to stare at the other side of his bed but it was empty. For a moment or two his heart sagged and he felt a strange sense of panic inside. It was a dream his mind said but then he smelled the scent wafting across the room and Paul knew that it had been no dream.
He sat up and looked around his large bedroom. The heavy drapes hadn’t been closed but the almost sheer pale blue ones had been drawn. They blew gently in the morning breeze that came from the open glass and once more memories of last night came flooding back to him. No, it hadn’t been a dream but now he turned around, wondering where the source of his good feeling had gone.
There was a sense of disappointment inside, as he had wanted to wake up and turn to see him lying next to him, but instead all he saw as the crumpled sheets and still dented pillow from where his head had lain. He could smell him still, a faint lingering aroma that once more made him feel like he was 16 or 17. He couldn’t believe his good fortune yet in his mind he could hear the words of one night stand echoing. Where was he?
Paul cocked his head to one side to try and listen. There was no sound coming from the bathroom, no water running and he could hear the wind rustling the trees outside and the birds chirping yet no human sound intruded. His heart beat a little faster from panic & fear as he stepped out of the bed, his robe quickly adorned from the chair as he began to feel strangely lost, strangely frightened.
He stood by the open window and peered out and down onto his driveway. There stood his Tahoe and in front the dented and old Datsun still rested. He breathed a small sigh of relief as he knew that the dream was real and that for the moment, it still hadn’t ended. He thanked his lucky stars as he finally was able to hear the sounds of something human moving off in the distance. He could tell it was coming from the kitchen and he felt the tension ease from his shoulders.
For a moment or two he pondered having a shower but instead he quickly dabbed cold water on his face, rinsed his mouth out and tossed on a pair of pants before slipping into his slippers. With the robe still on he padded off towards the kitchen to see what was going on. He didn’t want to waste a second as his feet moved just a bit faster almost in time with the rising beat of his heart.
As the sound grew louder he could also smell the tantalizing aroma of breakfast cooking. He never was one for big breakfasts but suddenly Paul found himself feeling rather ravenous. His mouth watered as he turned in from the hall into the kitchen. He stopped short as he saw the tall blonde by the large kitchen range. He was flipping something on the griddle portion of the stove top but it was his attire that made Paul stop.
Jock stood there, nothing on really except a pair of thin boxer shorts. You could just see the outline of his firm buttocks as well as the faint hint of tanned skin of the flesh. The tall figure had a thin something around the back of his neck and Paul knew that he wore an apron but other than those two items, Jock wore nothing else. He couldn’t believe it as he stood there, enjoying the beauty of the man.
He couldn’t contain himself as he felt the sudden growth between his legs along with the sudden flush that rose up from his groin. The warmth made him begin to sweat a little as he gazed at the long legs with their fine dusting of blond hairs. In his heart he could still feel them brushing up against his own legs and he sighed a little, recalling the pleasure he had had in just running his hand along those well defined and firm legs.
The sound of his sigh was heard as the head suddenly popped up and turned. Paul watched with a growing sense of desire as the hair moved one way and the head the other. He watched as Jock’s face came fully into view and he could see the rich chocolate eyes beaming out at him from under a lock of rebellious blonde hair. He saw the thin pale lips that he had tasted fully hours earlier and he smiled. The whole vision of Jock wearing a silly apron over his front only brought a whistle of appreciation from Paul’s lips which in turn brought an increasingly wider smile from that fine angular face.
Sorry was I making too much noise?
No, didn’t hear a sound really, uh.. what are you making? Smells damn good.
Oh just some eggs and bacon, hungry?
It seemed so right, the way Jock was standing by the stove with a spatula in his hand and his eyes darting from Paul then back to the food on the griddle. It was so perfect that he felt a tear welling up. Somehow he felt like he was once more in a world of dreams because life couldn’t be this perfect, could it?
Yes, actually…
That later …I mean… shit…
Paul had to laugh, the expression on Jock’s face when he had stared quickly at Paul’s middle when he had answered was priceless and yet he felt the strange hitch in his own voice as he chuckled. It had been a long time since he had let himself go in such a way as he had last night. Sure he had his fling or two while off in Europe but that had been sex, last night had been something else.
His mind still couldn’t quite believe all that had happened. If he was to be cold and analytical about it nothing much really had happened physically, yet the feelings inside that had come rushing to him were still there. He could still feel the excitement from Jock’s first touch of his naked chest, or the warmth that had suddenly filled his whole body when their lips had brushed against each other for the first time.
Everything about last night had been about firsts for him, yet his mind kept telling him that it had been nothing new. Still his heart and soul cried out for more, not so much for the raw sex but for the taste of Jock’s lips on his, the smell of Jock’s hair as it brushed past his nostrils. The sensation that made his body shake & shudder as Jock’s hand caressed his skin. All of that made him feel so different and the feeling hadn’t left, hadn’t passed. If he closed his eyes right now Paul knew he would see it all as if it was still happening. No, as much as his mind might try to confuse him, his heart knew the truth. What had passed between them last night hadn’t been about physical needs, but about something greater, much more meaningful.
Oh that too, but us old guys need nourishment first.
You aren’t old, hell if last night… uh…
There was a strange look across Jock’s face that was quickly hidden but Paul had seen it. For an instant he froze as he tried to understand the swift look that had nearly escaped his attention. His heart seemed to stop for that instant as fear gripped him. His mind reeled as the look became fixed in his vision.
What? Why that look? Is something wrong?
No, least not… this is so weird, I am sorry, but, is it okay to talk about.. I mean.. was it…
I have never felt so alive as I did with you last night Jock, if that is what you are asking.
Sort of, I am sorry, I feel so, different today… it is like, I don’t know… so much more human, more like a real person, if that makes sense.
It does, are you worried that… uh…
I don’t know what to do Paul.
He was feeling strangely confused. The look had puzzled him and even scared him but the voice made him look deeper into Jock’s face. There was a glow but also a look of concern that made his heart wince a little. He was confused himself as he tried to give himself time to think, to adjust to Jocks swing in moods.
Uh you flip the bacon over so it cooks on both sides then you…
Jock turned to stare down at the sizzling food and with a casual flip of his wrist managed to turn the bacon and other bits that were on the griddle. It was done abstractly Paul noticed as Jock’s head quickly turned back to focus on his face, the deep rich brown eyes staring intently at him.
That’s not what I meant… that I know how to do.
I can see that.
I am not good at… at sex. There… I said it, I know that for me last night was special, it really was something I have never felt before, but you, I mean Paul I know you expected more… and I just… I mean…
For a second he felt panic inside his heart as he listened to the halting voice. His hand moved out and he touched Jock on the shoulder and then with his hand he reached up and lifted the chin so he could stare into that face that had mesmerized him from the beginning.
In his heart he knew what Jock was trying to say and what he was feeling. To be honest he had thought that he had been the one who had maybe not satisfied but looking into Jock’s eyes he knew differently.
Last night was very special for me too Jock. I wouldn’t say that either if I didn’t mean it.
But I didn’t… I mean we didn’t…
Despite what some might say Jock, a first time with someone doesn’t have to always include or, well, it just doesn’t have to be doing everything… with Jason we never, I mean we never did do everything until later on. There aren’t any rules you know?
No, I didn’t… guess I am sort of stupid, just that I like you a lot and don’t want you to think I don’t. I guess I thought that you might think I didn’t cause we didn’t, uh, you know…
Strange listening to all this as it dredged up a conversation he had long since forgotten. It was after the second time he and Jason had made love together. They still hadn’t had intercourse and he had been afraid that Jason might think he didn’t like him. Funny how history could repeat itself and now here he was, once more reliving that same feeling only this time it wasn’t his reticence in question.
Jock I am appreciative for whatever you are willing to share with me. I know that doesn’t sound great, but I am in no rush to go all the way, as the kids might say. I am more interested in knowing you, and well, in having you know me. In some ways I feel like a kid in junior high with his first crush, yet, well, this is so much more than that to me. I want to enjoy it, last night was so much more than what I ever dreamed, you have to believe that Jock. It is the truth.
Jock just stood there for a moment or two and looked at Paul. It felt so unreal, as if suddenly time had stopped for them both as Paul felt Jock’s heart stop beating, just as his own stopped. They simply looked at each other, feeling the truth in what had been said.
The crackle of bacon intruded and Jock turned to shove the pile of crispy strips off to one side. His hands moved deftly as he spread the bacon and hash browns onto the two plates he had by the side. The eggs were quickly moved on and then he turned, the grill turned off and two plates of steaming food in one hand.
Their eyes met again and this time Paul felt the twinge inside as Jock motioned him towards the table. It was a moment that he knew he would never forget. In some ways it was as if they had spoken volumes and yet Paul knew there were many more questions left to ask. His heart seemed to beat slower as he sat down waiting for Jock. The plate of steaming food unnoticed in front of him as he looked up into the brown eyes.
And well, Well you sure seemed to know what to do last night, Christ you are so… I mean, hell I feel like… well like I am back in high school…
Me too.
Really?
Yeah, I just never, I mean I know we didn’t do a whole lot, but…
In his own mind he knew they had done more than enough. To him a first time didn’t mean you did everything but Jock seemed that he did. He wondered if that was perhaps from his time with Mark but as he looked into Jock’s face, he knew it was just that Jock wanted to please. It was weird really, to see that glow inside of the man & yet to also be able to recognize the fear too. So much was happening & so quickly that he too felt that twinge of fear, of doubt.
Jock, what we did was what was right for then, there are no set you do this I do that stuff… I mean, sometimes you just have to take your time… I know its been awhile since I… since I really…
I’ve never done some things Paul, I don’t know if I’d please you the way… I mean…
It was like listening to his own fears, his own doubts. Sex seemed so important but in reality he knew it was just a part of life, nothing that couldn’t be worked out if you cared enough about each other. Paul just didn’t know how to say it, to explain it.
Jock, let’s have breakfast before it gets cold, it looks so inviting…
Sorry.
Don’t be.. it is, hell I am just as uncertain about things as you… damned if I know what to say either.
Really?
Uh huh.
But you are…
Older?
No, I didn’t mean that, just that, well you have done all this before, I’ve never been… I mean all I ever let Mark do was uh, the oral stuff, and even that… I mean… there hasn’t been any other men… so…
I am in no rush Jock, if all we ever do is no more than what we did last night, then I am still feeling like I died and went to heaven. It was all I could handle, to be honest. I mean… look… there is something about you that makes me feel, well, like I have been given a very special moment, I don’t want it to end.
I don’t either, it is just… I mean there are so many things I want to say but I don’t know really how.
You just say them Jock, if last night was a beginning, and I sure as hell hope so, then we have to learn to, well to tell each other our thoughts.
But what if I say the wrong thing or not that, I mean, well what if I just don’t say it right? I don’t want to lose… Paul I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Last night was, well… scary and yet, I mean… it just felt like… like I needed to be with you, I know I didn’t do much but…
If you don’t say it right, then we’ll try to figure it out, I know how to use a dictionary.
Paul…
Okay, look, neither of us can make any promises about what might happen, let’s well, let’s sort of let things happen and take it one step at a time.
So last night was okay?
More than okay Jock… this is weird… I am sorry, I am not used to talking about this either. It has been a long time for me… since I even felt this way.
Really? I never would have… Paul, why are you single? I mean… damn I am putting my foot in it, but, I guess I just can’t believe my luck, you are exactly what I have always dreamed about, when I let myself.
Paul felt like he was looking in some time mirror. He could see his own reflection in the words that Jock was trying to get out and he knew that in many ways they shared the same doubts and fears. He couldn’t believe his good fortune from last night yet he too had felt that maybe he hadn’t done all that Jock needed. It was bizarre to think you could establish a routine in just one night and Jason had helped him there, just as he knew he would need to help Jock. His biggest fear really was wondering if he was up to the task or would he blow it?
Me? God Jock you don’t know the half of it, I have a lot of baggage my friend…
Paul was surprised as Jock stood up and reached over to kiss Paul lightly on the lips. He could feel the electricity pouring into his body as the lips brushed lightly together. Then Jock’s head pulled back a bit to stare once more into Paul’s blue eyes. They locked & simply stared at each other for a minute or even two. He felt the hitch in his heart and the sudden gasp for air as his body shook a little by the soft tender touch that lingered as they stared at each other.
Finally Jock lowered his head and sat back down again, his tongue giving a quick flick over his lips that made Paul’s eyes widen a bit. It was almost as if Jock was trying to savour that taste, that one brief taste.
What was that for?
Calling me your friend… sorry, it is just, well, it felt so good..
Paul felt his hand reaching out over the table with the palm open. He waited as Jock looked at it and then brought his own hand up to let it fit neatly into Paul’s. It felt so good to hold him like that as the aroma of the food wafted past and he could smell Jock’s own scent mingling with the smell. It was as domestic as he had ever gotten in the last 20 or so years and he could feel the excitement racing around inside of him.
He also felt the apprehension of what he was letting himself in for. Here he was, 61 years of age with a man half his age at best, beginning something that he had only dreamed of for the last 20 years. Could he change his own ways to meet Jock’s needs or would his set ways eventually ruin what could be?
So many questions flew past his mind that he felt a bit dizzy by it all. Even after breakfast, there seemed a sense of awkwardness that he knew was mostly his fault. He really just wanted to reach out and grab Jock but held back. Still while cleaning up he did manage to brush against him which only added to his sense of wonder. The mere touch of Jock’s young firm figure next to his own made the blood boil inside. Thoughts of taking him into his arms and smothering him with passionate kisses took his fancy and even caused him to drop some cutlery that he was drying.
The noise had startled Jock but the look in his eyes had made it all worth it. Paul could see his concern as if he had dropped something important and yet the smile had made Paul feel weak at the knees. It was a twirling tornado of emotions with each passing of a dirty dish or pot and Paul felt like he was 16 again. How could he not want this? It was like a prayer had been answered but his mind had forgotten asking for it.
Even back upstairs Paul had felt the doubts crossing his mind. He had wanted to follow Jock into the shower but held back, knowing he was being old fashioned, telling himself it would be too pushy. Yet he was certain there was a sense of disappointment in Jock when he didn’t, but also a sense of relief. It was confusing but he knew that he couldn’t stop going forward. This was his chance, perhaps his last chance at having something he had secretly wanted for a very long time.
The sound of the water running and the noise of it falling off of Jock’s body only made his heart ache even more. He stared at his reflection in the large steamy mirror, wondering what it was that Jock saw in him? Could it be that he could see beyond that ancient looking face or was he looking for something else? As much as he hated himself for thinking it, he wondered briefly if it was the money or something else?
Staring at his own reflection he felt himself sizing up the pro’s and con’s of it all. He had some things to offer Jock, most of which was material but he did have a few non material things he could bring to the mix. He did have experience to some extend, and he had been around for a time so that could be a plus. It also could be a negative because he was 61, there was no escaping that.
His hair had receded quite a fair amount but he didn’t think it made him look exactly old. In some small way it added a bit of character to his appearance he thought but would Jock see that? What about other people? How would they see him and Jock? More than likely they would see the rich old fart with a young stud on his arm and figure it was about the money. It would be their first thoughts really and he had to admit it could be a problem.
Yet as hard as his mind kept trying to be practical about it, he found the answers deep in his heart. Frankly what difference did it really make what people thought, it was what Jock and he thought about it that counted. Just looking at Jock he could feel that the money was an issue but not in the way others would. If anything he felt confident that Jock would bend over the other way in an effort to not make it be about that. Still, he had a lot of money, it would be hard to not have it influence their relationship.
The sudden realization that he was embarking on an actual relationship gave him a cold chill. He shivered a bit as he looked at his reflection. The steam from the shower had distorted the view and yet he didn’t move to wipe the glass. It was how he saw himself, grey and distorted. How could he even consider this he thought? What madness was it to let himself be swept up by the glimmering hope of some grand love affair with a man half his age?
He felt suddenly very old and very scared. Paul knew in his heart that he craved the warm embrace of Jock’s arms but he also knew that he was still very much frightened by all that it would mean. He hadn’t been off the mark in saying he had a lot of baggage, and he wondered if it was fair to Jock to subject him to it? Could he expect someone so vulnerable to accept and understand all that it meant? Was it perhaps expecting too much?
Doubts and fears raced inside and he found his heart faltering a little. He knew he wanted this but he believed he was past it. His time had come and gone, of that he was fairly certain. Still, there was a small shard of hope that seemed persistent. It wouldn’t let him toss this chance away. Last night had been beyond words for him and just thinking about it made his shoulders relax a bit. The image before him might be old but it still breathed, it still had life inside so why shouldn’t he seize this opportunity?
The anxiety was making him sweat or maybe it just was the heat from the hot water coming from the shower. Either way he felt a strange heaviness inside that made him lean forward and close his eyes. He really wanted this but he could feel the years of denial roaring up inside. He wanted to be free of these doubts but they seemed insurmountable as he contemplated his image, his limited future.
Paul felt a sudden surge of something and he was startled as he tried to figure out where this strange new feeling was coming from. It felt wet and warm and inviting too as his head came up and there, in the mirror was another reflection. This time he felt the tension rising up as he stared out at his own brooding face and the soft thoughtful face of Jock next to it.
Jock merely stood there as Paul stared at him in the mirror. He saw the hair dangling down on either side of his face, the water dripping down his forehead and his flesh gleamed in the bathroom’s light. It looked so pink and fresh that it made Paul’s heart skip a beat. His eyes widened as Jock’s arms moved up to encircle his waist. He felt the wetness growing as Jock’s body seemed to just melt into his own and the long thin face now rested gently on Paul’s shoulder.
Are you as scared as I am Paul?
Slowly Paul felt himself turning around in Jock’s strong wet arms. He looked into the face and felt the drips of water against his bared chest. His robe had fallen open as he stood close to Jock, smelling his own shampoo and soap. He breathed in deeply as he also smelled the fear that came form them both.
‘Yes’ he said as he felt his own arms reaching out and sliding under Jocks’ arms. ‘Yes I am just as scared but we’ll work through it… if you want’
He stood there feeling Jock’s heart beating next to his, feeling his body gradually forming itself into Jock’s firm muscular frame. The arms held him tightly and Paul’s hands moved slowly up the small of Jock’s back. He could feel the fear but he also felt the thrill of the touch, the softness of the skin and the firmness of the muscles. His whole body grew hard and rigid as he closed his eyes and leaned closer to let his mouth brush up against the thin pale lips. The power of their embrace became harder as his body moved back a step and he felt the edge of the counter against his back. His groin was like a raging inferno as it pushed forward into the soft belly of the young man. He could feel the press back from Jock’s own crotch just as their lips touched.
It felt like a plug being put into the socket. The way his whole body suddenly became charged with an overwhelming sense of joy and pleasure. Every part of him began to tingle as the juice from the socket surged inwards. Paul didn’t know what to make of it as his emotions suddenly were awakened by the press of Jock’s mouth on his own. He could taste the man as his lips parted slightly and Jock’s thick raspy tongue came snaking inside in a darting manner.
Every part of his body suddenly ached and he felt the breathe leaving his lungs. His arms grew numb as he clung onto Jock’s own shivering body. There was no mistaking the desire or the passion that kept roaring into his body from every pore in his own body. He felt so alive that it actually hurt. The thunder of his own heart rose to a crescendo as he felt Jock’s long thick tongue running along the roof of his mouth. Tears welled up at the corner of his eyes as he held them tightly shut, afraid to open them for fear that he’d find this all a dream. Yet the thundering noise in his head told him how real it was.
Lights seemed to be exploding around him as his own tongue licked at the young probing flesh inside of his mouth. He could taste him and with each swallow he felt a surge of excitement that only drove his pulse to race faster. Every part of him shook as he felt Jock’s raw passion envelop him. He felt the desire and need clinging to the very beads of sweat that dotted his entire body and his robe was nothing but a massive weight of water soaked cloth. His body ached in ways he had never realized it could. The pain was so intense it felt like he would black out and yet it was also so sweet and inviting that he craved more.
Paul’s hips shot outwards, his hard erect penis digging hard into the rigid body in front and in return he felt the press of Jock’s own penis wedged firmly into the soft inner thigh of one leg. His body shook as his mind was overcome by the emotions from his soul. His hands grew numb and fell to rest around the firm cheeks of Jock’s buttocks. His eyes were glued tightly together as his lungs gasped for air. Jock’s mouth grew harder and he felt the puffing breath of Jock’s own breath filling his throat as a short strangled cry of pleasure assailed his deafened ear drums.
Just as the sound began to diminish he felt the cooling breeze of air across his face. Their lips had parted and suddenly his mouth was empty and his heart cried out for more just as the stinging heat came gushing past the hot flesh of his inner thighs. He felt the hard press of Jock’s body into his and the hard edge of the counter dug deeply into the small of Paul’s back.
It was over in a second but before he could catch his breath he felt the taller body suddenly sliding down his own heaving chest. He felt the hard rapid press of lips against his turning stomach, felt the warmth of the kisses on his belly and then in a flash his body was once more brought to the edge of excruciating pain & pleasure as Jocks’ mouth wrapped itself around the thick bulging head of Paul’s penis.
The sudden warmth and moisture made him cry out as his hands reached down to dig into the flesh on Jock’s shoulder. His fingers dug inwards as the pleasure surged into his body from his groin. His hips jerked forward as the blood drained from his body, rushing at break neck speed towards his groin. His lungs ached as he gasped for air and the heat became too much for him. Stars and bolts of blue mingled with purple and red passed in front of his closed eyes as he cried out, feeling the explosion coming from deep within his soul.
His body lurched forward and he felt the hard press of Jock’s mouth up against his pubic hairs. His body lost all strength as he surrendered to the overpowering passion that held him fixed against the counter. His toes curled and the nails dug deep into the hot flesh of the shoulders, digging so deep that he could feel the bone beneath. His voice cried out as he heaved forward and he felt the explosion shake him from the top of his head to the very souls of his feet.
The doubts and fears were gone for the moment as his body felt near collapse. He managed to pry open his eyes slightly as he heard a cough and felt his body slowly sinking to the floor. He opened them to see Jock next to him, his eyes glazed in a way he had never seen in another human before. There was a glint that made his heart skip a beat as he struggled to speak, instead all he could do was stare at the young man, a small dried whiteness on his chin showing him that barely a drop of his love had escaped the man’s lips.
He had no idea where they would go from this point, but Paul knew that as much as he feared the future, he couldn’t stop fate from taking him along a path he had long been avoiding. For his entire life he had avoided this but he knew deep down that his heart was no longer his own. That in this brief moment, this brief encounter he had surrendered to the passion that seemed to be all around them.
Sitting on the floor with him made him feel like he was only 15 or 16. The way his blood still boiled deep inside only made his doubts and fears evaporate in the steam filled bathroom. The tiles of the floor didn’t feel cold or hard, but where like a pillow of eider down as he reached out with his hand, to take Jock’s own hand. He held it on his lap and stared into the deep rich chocolate eyes that peered out at him.
There were so many obstacles ahead that it seemed insurmountable and yet looking at him, feeling the pulse of his heart Paul knew that they could manage. He knew it wouldn’t be easy yet it didn’t seem to matter as he felt the passion that flowed all around them.
Slowly he raised his hand to gently caress the younger face. His fingers moved lightly over the shivering cheeks as he let the man’s eyes hold his own. It was what his heart had been searching for and at last Paul had found the courage to seize the opportunity that had crossed his path. For now he didn’t care how long it would last, as long as it lasted for the moment.
You know, if you wanted me to join you in the shower, you could have just asked.
Jock smiled as he looked into Paul’s eyes. He reached out with his hand and took Paul’s, bringing it to his lips where he kissed it gently.
This seemed better.
The smile melted his heart as Jock stood up and still holding Paul’s hand, he helped him up to his feet. He kissed him softly this time on the lips then reached out to the small dish on the counter. He turned to look at Paul, the eyes searching and then with that gleam growing his hand picked up one of the small packages. His head turned briefly away, staring down at the package and then back up to gaze into Paul’s eyes.
With his hand firmly clutching at Paul’s, Jock moved away and led them both back to the open shower door. The sound of the spray echoed distantly as his heart thundered inside. He felt the warmth of the escaping steam and he could see it swirling around their bodies as he let his robe slip from his shoulders and body. He stood their naked next to Jock’s own nude body. In that instant he felt the passion rising up inside of him as Jock stepped over the railing into the wide shower enclosure, his hand still holding Paul’s. Jock turned to smile at Paul, as his body was slowly surrounded by the thin wisps of steam and in that instant Paul realized he had just won the biggest lottery of them all, he had finally won at the lottery of love.
The Locker – Chapter 12 (Conclusion)
Chapter 12
Monday 5 a.m. – Dakota
He had heard the old truck coughing into life a little early, knowing now where his father was really going. Strange, he had kind of wished that he had gone with him and yet he couldn’t get that look out of his mind. The way his father had looked at him when he had brushed Noah off yesterday. The sadness in his eyes were almost as painful as the hurt that was reflected in Noah’s face. Dakota wasn’t sure which hurt him more, Noah’s look of feeling betrayed or his father’s stare of disappointment?
In some ways it made him angry that neither of them could understand how he felt. Why was it always about them and not him he wondered? His eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time since this morning. As he sat up on the wooden platform, staring out at the coming dawn he could still hear Noah’s voice. What would today be like he wondered and yet he knew inside exactly how it would be. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to school today for fear of having to face Noah. God why did it always have to be so hard?
Sitting there with his knees drawn up under his chin he stared outwards, wondering where it had all gone wrong? Why had he jumped so far away that he actually hurt someone he cared for? Why did his own father look at him now like he was some big disappointment? Maybe in the past he would have thought it was because he was queer, but thinking about it, his father had never looked like that at him even when he had found out that he was gay. Strange, if anything should have brought that out it should have been that but instead it was him turning Noah away. How could that be? What was it that had changed so much that he actually had turned his back on his own dreams and hopes?
Was he a coward or maybe he was just being realistic? How could he go through more of this constant fighting and for what? What gain did he get out of having to get himself psyched up to just walk down a school hallway? Why did he have to wonder each time he passed some guys if they would come up and jump him? Wasn’t he entitled to have some peace, some time to be himself? His father didn’t understand how it felt each morning, having to wake up knowing that someone would say something or do something that would tear at your insides. He just didn’t get it that even though
He knew in his heart that
To him the sunset was best simply because it meant he had survived another day living in a world that tormented people not because they were evil or sinners, just because they were different. He hated the world and some of that anger had given him a chance to be accepted. He had learned how to fight and how to walk and talk just like everyone else. In the locker room he had told his fair share of gay jokes too but he was tired of all that. He was just plain tired of it, of having to lie and pretend.
Maybe what really pissed him off the most was having to lie to the girls. He had dated some and many were really nice and yet he had used them, in an effort to protect himself but it was wrong. It had eaten at his insides and even
Why did you have to leave me? Why?
He stared up at the fading darkness knowing that today would be just one more day of disappointments. He could feel the pain and emptiness in his heart from not having
You told me to act straight, I would have stood by you, really, I would have
He meant it, he really did as he spoke out loud, hoping that by doing so that maybe his voice would carry, that maybe Montana would hear him. It wasn’t like it had helped all that much anyhow, pretending to be straight. Some still figured he was queer, some even tried to fight him and he had listened to
It never felt right, why didn’t you let me stand up with you? Didn’t you think I would? Were you ashamed of me too?
Dakota’s eyes felt like they were filled with sand even though the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. Even his tears hurt him as he cried, not certain what to do anymore. Part of him wanted to just put his head on Noah’s shoulder and each time he thought how good that would be, he saw Noah’s anger and hurt face staring at him. He had burned that bridge and yet somehow he still wished he could have made Noah understand. It just wasn’t about protecting Noah but how do you tell someone you love that he’s fallen for a coward? How do you explain to him that just being on the edge of the abuse had taken such a toll on his own spirit?
Where were the words to explain to the one person that had driven you to taking huge risks just so you could be near them and then when it came to actually having to confront those risks, all you could do was run? He did want Noah, he knew that in his heart but he also knew that he wanted to just be normal, to just be one of the guys no matter the cost. How do you explain that to someone like Noah who hadn’t a clue as to how it would be? How did you tell yourself never mind the one guy that had made it past all your defences? Hell how do you tell your dad that you felt like a coward because you never stood up to the bullies that swarmed your own brother? How do you tell the two people that mattered that you love them when you couldn’t tell that to your own brother when he needed you the most?
His pain was growing as his body shook in the dawn’s light. He felt so useless and such a coward that he didn’t know which way to turn. He wanted Noah so badly and yet he knew that to have him would mean an endless round of fights and scorn and abuse. He just didn’t think he could survive all that or that the image Noah had of him could survive it. Everyone thought he was such a strong guy, one who could fight his way out of trouble if he couldn’t talk his way out, yet they didn’t know him. They didn’t know how scared he felt each time he realized he’d have to take a hit, to take a fist to the face or to the stomach. No one really ever talked about that and yet it always seemed to be there staring at him. Each time someone would say something he’d feel the flesh and bone hitting his own, wincing inside at the sharp jolts that he knew would immediately follow.
No one understood how scary those thoughts were. No one really considered how each time the fear grew worse or the pain seemed to get more intense. Noah thought he was tough and all, so too it seemed did his dad, but the truth was that he wasn’t. He knew that deep inside, knew that
Was that why
Deep inside he felt anger, unreasonable anger at the notion that he should be anything but afraid. Hell the whole world seemed against him and his kind, even the Pope was calling him a sinner and evil. How was he supposed to fight all that by himself? Okay, sure
The shame welled up inside because he knew that he shouldn’t have turned away, that he should have gone forward and stood by his brother. At the time and ever since he had always said he was only doing what
The wind began to pick up and he could feel the warm dry air swirling around him as he stood up and took off Noah’s shorts. He stood there, naked letting the wind play around his body as he stared outwards. Was this how it was supposed to be or was it how he was willing to let it be? He felt the pain in his chest as he dropped Noah’s shorts and walked over to the edge, to stare down at the shadowy ground. It would be so easy to just step off over the edge. to let his body fall down and end his pain.
His body shook, as the wind grew stronger. He breathed in deeply wondering if his dad was right, wondering if when you died that wasn’t just it. Was there really a God and if so, what would it be like to know him and feel him next to you? Could it really end the pain he was feeling right now or was it just so much hocus-pocus? Was there a place after death or was death final? His body shivered as he stepped closer to the edge of the platform, his toes curling at the lip of the edge. His heart ached inside as he wished he’d never been born.
There was no way for him to end the pain he thought as he stood there, the tears rolling down his face unheeded. There seemed to be no easy answer and for a moment or two he felt like he just wanted to curl up in a ball but then what? His mind was filled with the faces of all those who had taunted and tormented him and his brother. Even pretending to be straight hadn’t helped much and he could still feel the fists striking him, the feet kicking at his fallen body. He could feel it now as he shuddered and let his pain have free reign over his body. There was no other way left to him he thought as he stood there, wondering if God existed or not, wondering if he would see
The pain tore into him as he shivered a little, his naked body growing cold as his mind rebelled against having to go and face Noah. He knew in his soul that he loved him, that he wanted to be a part of his world and life but that he was just plain afraid. He knew too that he was a failure to his father in both being gay and being a coward. There really didn’t seem any other choices left he felt as the pain ripped into his body, making it quake and shiver at the same time. The wind began to howl it seemed as he looked up from the ground to stare out at the land spread out before him. He wondered if they would cry more for him or less? Would Noah care or would he feel what? Would he cry for him or not?
Dakota could see the sun slowly rising up over the horizon and he hated its yellow glow, knowing that he had little choice left. If he just took one more step maybe then he would never have to worry about seeing another dawn, never have to worry about trying to just get through one more day of living. Funny,
What did you see that I don’t? What was it about the mornings that you loved so much that you even spent your last breath watching it come? What? Tell me
Slowly the sun was rising up from the horizon and he could see the field clearly now, see the house off in the distance even and he wondered what it was about morning that had always given Montana a smile? If only he could know too, maybe then he wouldn’t feel so defeated, so empty? Maybe if he could figure that out he might want to go forward but why couldn’t he? Was he dense or was it just because there really wasn’t anything to see?
He looked around trying to see something that would make him understand but he couldn’t see anything different. In the light nothing looked different, everything was still the same so what was it that
The wind swirled around and gusted up from behind even more as he stared out, his long hair flowing up and over his shoulders to even dangle out in front of his face. He could taste the stands of hair that came across his mouth and he sighed, wishing he knew the truth. His legs were cold as he stood there with the wind at his back and the scent of strawberries came to him. He breathed it in deeply wondering how he could smell them now, knowing the season was long past and yet it was strawberries that he smelt. Dakota felt the emptiness inside of him growing as he stood there. First
Everything seemed so hopeless. If he stayed to fight he would lose, there just was too many of them. Besides, Noah wouldn’t want him now not after what he had said to him yesterday.
It would have been nice if things had worked out like they did in
His eyes blinked as he tried to figure out what it was about Noah that had gotten inside of him? Was it his face or his look? Could it be his body or maybe how he spoke? Standing there he wished he could have ended it differently between them, wished that he had found a way to explain it all to Noah. That was the one thing he really did regret. Somehow he really had hoped that he could have lived his dream with Noah, but this way at least Noah wouldn’t have to live with the pain for long, if at all. At least this way he would never have to know the horror of waking up each morning dreading the day.
There was a soft caress against the back of his legs and he shivered feeling a sudden jolt of electricity run through his whole body. For a second or even two he could see Noah’s face towering over him, the look in his eyes as his hand had began to reach back to guide Dakota’s throbbing pole along his buttocks. He saw it all and in staring at those eyes again he could see deeper than before. It wasn’t lust or just passion that glowed inside but something else. He felt the fires of Noah’s soul touching his in that moment when his pole reached that one small tiny hole.
He glanced down at his trembling hands and at the ground. It looked so hard and cold and then he glanced down at his feet. He saw his toes curling tightly around the lip of the platform and around the tops of his feet a thin material blew over and covered them. Dakota stared down at Noah’s shorts that twirled around his ankles and he could feel him now. He could feel Noah’s breath on his face; feel the drops of sweat that dripped form his forehead as he stared down at him.
The sun finally broke out in the dawn and it struck Dakota’s fully in the face. He could see the rainbow of colours through his tear stained eyes and was awe struck by the brilliance of the colours. The deep hues of red and purple made his heart ache and burn with a strange desire as his body stood still among the wind. Inside he felt the hot fire of Noah’s desire reaching for him and he could feel the tender gentleness of his hand on his face at the same time. Everything burned a brilliant colour as he watched the sun rise fully into the morning sky and he felt a strange stirring inside of his heart as he wondered if it could be that simple?
Monday – 8:10 a.m. – Noah
Despite the puffiness around his eyes he didn’t mind the sun’s glare as he scanned the parking lot. He still wasn’t sure what he would say or how to act when they met but he couldn’t just let it go. He had wanted to so many times last night and yet each time when he had made up his mind to just ignore Dakota he got that feeling inside that wouldn’t let go.
His dad was driving him and hadn’t even objected when he had asked him to drive slowly one more time around the lot. Strange how silent his dad had been all the time driving here and even now. It was kind of freaky if he wasn’t so intent on finding Dakota’s car. The whole weekend had been nothing but a roller coaster ride of strange emotions and happenings. Noah still wasn’t exactly certain what had happened yesterday, and a night of fitful sleep didn’t exactly give him a clear head to try and figure it out but somehow he knew there was more to it than what Dakota had said. Hell even his own father had said so on the way home from the cemetery and a lot more too.
Christ it was strange listening to how his dad had told his mom about Dakota suddenly dumping him. It was almost as if his dad was outraged that Dakota couldn’t see what a catch he was. Man if he didn’t hurt so much inside he would have burst out laughing at the way his dad spoke about Dakota. Even his mother sort of smiled at his tirade about Dakota even though you could see her relief as well.
Nothing made sense to him and even now, making his dad drive around to see if Dakota’s car was here was just as nuts as everything else seemed to have been. Deep down in his heart he knew that Dakota didn’t think of him as some trophy fuck or whatever it was called. He knew in his heart that they had something special together and if he could just figure out what had happened, maybe he could find a way to fix it. He just couldn’t let it go like everyone told him too, or seemed to want him to do.
It was kind of weird listening to his mom telling him he’d get over it, that obviously Dakota wasn’t the type for him or how she had commented that he just didn’t know a good catch when he had one. Man it was weird how parents could flip flop so quickly. Sort of gave him a headache from the spinning it caused. One minute they were yanking him away from Dakota and all that meant and the next they were calling him down for doing what they had wanted in the first place. Geez it was confusing but then as he turned to look at his father, he realized that maybe they had just been scared by him being gay cause they hadn’t a clue what it was.
“I guess you can let me off here”
He could see the hungry look in his son’s face. It was weird to see how desperate he looked as he scanned the parking lot and walks. Hell even he was doing it too and yet part of him was glad that they hadn’t found the car. It was still a mystery to him as to what had happened and he wondered if it was his fault? After all if he hadn’t gone there in a temper things might be a lot different for his son now.
“You sure? I can go around again?”
“No it’s okay, besides it might uh, you know”
“Make them ask questions?”
“yeah”
“Okay, uh, you okay son?”
Funny how worried his dad seemed about him and yet even as they had driven around the lot he kind of thought his dad was happy they didn’t find Dakota’s car parked anywhere. He had to admit in some ways he was happy to and also worried. God if this was love he wasn’t sure he was ready for it. To feel the anger he had at Dakota had scared him but not as much as thinking that he would never be able to touch Dakota again. It all had an eerie feel to it, like there was something missing but he wasn’t certain what. All he knew was that since about shortly after 5 this morning he knew in his heart that he needed to see Dakota again, no matter what. He didn’t care if everyone in school knew he was gay; just as long as he could talk to Dakota again or at least see him.
“I guess, not sure really”
“You still believe you and he are meant for each other, don’t you?”
“Huh? How… yeah I do, dumb huh?”
“I don’t know, guess it depends on why you feel that way”
“I wish I knew why, might help me figure it all out”
The whole idea that his son was having sex had frightened the hell out of him and his wife. Still it was strange to think that when he was Noah’s age it was all he could think about too. Things hadn’t really changed in some areas but in others it had. There was no way he even knew about gay back when he was 16 or what kind of sex that was, but maybe it was simply not discussed then like it was now? Still, the idea that his son was actually engaged in it brought up a lot of worries.
Looking at Noah this morning he had seen the hang dog expression, that sort of look that said how sad he was feeling and desperate too. He just found it hard to still believe that it was over another boy but it was. There was no doubt about it but it still took him a bit to accept it. There were moments too when he felt if only it was over a girl then he’d know how to handle it, but over another guy made him feel more out in the cold than anything. How do you comfort your boy about maybe losing another boy? Was it like being dropped by a girl, which was something he had experience in, or was it different?
“It uh, I mean it isn’t because of the… well you know, because of the sex is it?”
Why did parents always think it was about sex? Christ he had other things on his mind other than Dakota’s dick or so he thought. Sure he had thought about that part earlier and even when fighting with his folks he had thought about the sex stuff. After all it had felt awesome to be a part of Dakota like that and yet it felt different than what he had expected. It wasn’t like earlier that day either, but whatever it was, it felt right and now look at how it had turned out? God he must be nuts to think that just cause he found a way to take it meant they would be together forever, but well, something made him feel that way. If it wasn’t the sex, what was it? Why did he feel this way if all it was about was sex?
“I suppose in some way it is, but no Dad, it isn’t cause he was good or great or anything like that really, it was, I don’t know, sort of how I felt when near him like that, sort of… I don’t know if I can explain it”
Nathan glanced at his son and saw the way the eyes were glazed. For a moment or two he could see that look that reminded him of his own wife at times. She would get a sort of far off look too and he knew that she was thinking of him or of a time they had shared together. That was the same look Noah had now and it struck him just how similar it really was. Being gay obviously had some differences but maybe that was simple mechanics, because if that look was any indication, love was the same for gay boys as it was for straight boys. He could remember feeling that way and still did feel that way when it came to his wife.
“I think I understand, it is kind of how I feel when with your mother”
“Really?”
“Yes, I just didn’t, I guess love is love huh?”
“I guess”
“Hurts like hell too doesn’t it?”
“Yes”
“You know maybe he isn’t going to come to school today, I mean maybe he is just too…”
Noah knew his father meant well but he really didn’t want a lecture on how this was maybe for the best or even how Dakota wasn’t the right one for him. All he knew as in his heart he still cared and loved Dakota. That was all that really mattered in the long run so he wished his dad would just let it go, give him some peace. He knew he was only trying to help but it wasn’t. He looked at his dad and spoke in a sort of exasperated voice, feeling tired as he tried to once more explain how he was feeling.
“Dad please, right now I still think I love him, for whatever that is worth, I don’t want to…”
“Give me a chance son, okay?”
He knew his father was only trying to help but he just didn’t understand. Noah knew he needed to see Dakota if for nothing else than to see if what he had said yesterday was really how he felt. Maybe he was just confused or maybe there was something else going on that Dakota didn’t want to tell him? All sorts of things were running through his mind and his father’s advice just wasn’t helping. He didn’t have a clue as to what it could be, or how things were different if you were gay. Christ this whole thing could about Dakota worrying about AIDS or something, how would his father be able to help him with that?
“I am trying dad, just that…”
“I know, you are confused and worried and angry all at the same time, but listen to me, okay?”
“I’ll try”
“Good, what I was going to say is that maybe he’s just scared, or maybe, just maybe he’s afraid he can’t go through all that could happen, he did already lose a brother you know, maybe he’s just afraid he’s gonna lose you too”
“Hell of a way to show that”
“Yes it is, but life can beat you down if you let it”
Funny he had this image of Dakota and yet maybe his dad was right? He had no idea what it must have been like to lose a brother or to go through the shit that must have happened in school. Something about that made him squirm a little because Dakota seemed to know a lot about that and yet, he couldn’t remember seeing any marks or such on him. How did he keep out of it or did he? Could his father be right that he was just worn out from what went on?
Nothing really made much sense to him. Shit Dakota had come to him that first night, how could he suddenly change right after they had sex? Could it be that he really was that bad or maybe he had done something wrong? Noah had tried to figure that out, hell he even had written a note about it to leave in the locker, hoping that maybe it might get Dakota to at least discuss it with him. He just wished he knew the answers was all, that was maybe the worst part of all this, the not knowing.
“I just don’t get it, he comes across so tough, so together, how can he be afraid of what they’ll say?”
“I doubt if it is that simple Noah, I know how much it frightens me, and I am a lot older than you or him, plus, think about how much he must have gone through with his brother coming out? That had to be tough for him”
“I suppose”
“You know it had to be, maybe he is just tired of fighting Noah, did you ever think about that?”
“But who says he has to dad? I mean it isn’t like I am planning to announce how I feel about him on the PA…”
Nate could see the deep worry written all over his son’s face, which made him quiver a little. He could only guess at what his son must be wondering but in some ways Noah might be mature for his age but in other ways he was still just a boy. People had a nasty habit of finding out your secrets and if it was something like this, well he could only imagine how rough it could get. His primary concern was Noah and yet he found himself worrying about Dakota as if somehow he was part of their own family.
God how things could change overnight. Saturday all he could think about was how much he would like to throttle that Dakota and now here he was worrying about him just about as much as he was about his own boy. Strange how a parents instincts could just take over.
“Maybe it isn’t you he’s worried about”
“Huh? Well who then?”
In a lot of ways this whole gay thing was no different than for people like himself. He could see the similarities in the pain of a relationship and youthful desires being no different than when he was growing up. The real difference he realized wasn’t that it was about two guys but that it was how other’s looked at it. In many ways it was no different than how the world used to view mixed race relationships. He had seen the clips back then when many whites were so outraged at a man or women dating a person of colour that in some instances they would take the person to the bushes and whip them to death or just plain hang them. He shuddered as he realized just how this was the same thing, isn’t that what happened to some poor kid out in
Looking at his son he began to see him and Dakota in a totally different way. His heart shuddered a few times as the realization of what might happen wasn’t some fantastic improbability but was very real. He grew frightened for his son and realized that perhaps Dakota had realized all this as well. To think that some 16 year old had to consider whether to be in love and risk death was something he just couldn’t fathom himself having to deal with. How could any 16-year-old make rational decisions with that kind of future looming at him? Was this the new kindler and gentler world that his President had spoken about?
“Maybe himself? Maybe he doesn’t think he can keep how he feels for you hidden? It is possible you know”
“But he is so strong, I mean he came… I mean he is the one who came after me, I was to chicken shit to even… well…”
“I know, uh, did you ever think that, well sometimes us guys, we act strong when really we are just petrified senseless, maybe he even didn’t realize how deep things would get so fast, it happens you know?”
“I guess, still, why did he have to say those things? I mean am I being a sap for believing what he said before or not believing him now?”
“Son I wish I knew, I don’t, only you and he know that answer”
“But how do I find out?”
“I guess you’ll have to ask him, won’t you?”
“I can see that now, I just don’t know… what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? What do I do then?”
“I think for starters Noah that maybe I should pick you up after school…”
The sudden change in his father’s voice startled him a bit. It was like his dad suddenly knew something and didn’t quite know how to tell him. Noah felt like he had to talk to Dakota but how? It wasn’t going to be easy around school and somehow he didn’t think Dakota would let him go with him after school, so what was he going to do? His dad was right, he did need to talk it out but how?
“Huh? Oh I can walk home, it’s okay…”
“No, I mean that you should maybe leave it for today, then after school I’ll drive you over to his place and you two can talk in private, I don’t uh, well I don’t think this is the kind of thing you should talk about around here, you never know who might hear you two”
“I didn’t think of that… you’d do that?”
“Yes”
Everything was moving so fast in a strange way. One minute he had a boyfriend who he loved and a family that wanted him to be straight not gay and the next minute he didn’t have a boyfriend but a family that was accepting him for being gay. It was like he was on a roller coaster or something and all he was getting out of it was a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Noah felt confused by the sudden switch in his father, and yet he could tell that he meant it. He really did seem like he cared for how it all turned out between him and Dakota. It just didn’t seem to make sense to his mind but in his heart there was sort of weird warmth, like all this was how it was supposed to be.
“Why? I mean, the other night you didn’t even want me to see him anymore, I don’t get this turn around, it is just… I mean I like it this way compared to uh the other night, but…”
“I know, it confuses me too, I guess what it comes down to Noah is that you are my son, how can I not be here for you?”
“Do you think his dad had anything to do with this?”
“No, I didn’t get the impression but it is possible. I think if I can, I’ll try to talk to him too, maybe he and I can get to the bottom of all this”
“I don’t know what to say… I mean all the things I said to you the other night… I just… I mean now you…”
“Noah, you were angry, so was I, we both said things in the heat of the moment, bottom line is you made more sense than I did, so, well, let’s just chalk that one up to a learning experience for us both, okay?”
“Okay”
Nate could see the wheels turning inside his son’s head. The way his eyebrows arched upwards when he was thinking hard about something or the way his jaw would get a certain set to it. All of that he could see now and at the same time he felt a sense of pride in the boy. His own dad used to tell him how he would look at him at times and see a carbon copy of him at that age, but that was wrong. Noah may have some of his traits but he was all original. There was no copying there and it made him proud. It was like in seeing the determination in his son he could see that somehow he and his wife had done okay in raising him. They had instilled something that had value beyond the basics, but it still worried him.
Maybe the hardest part of the whole weekend hadn’t been finding out that his only son was gay or that his son’s love interest suddenly wanted nothing to do with him. The hardest part was finding out that in this most important part of his son’s life, he hadn’t felt safe enough to come to them. That had been the part that had hurt the most and also was what perhaps made him see Noah for who he really was.
“Look, I know this is confusing to you, but, well the thing is son, I don’t have a clue about this gay stuff but I know one thing, I never want to give you the idea that you can’t talk to me, if anything the other night has shown me and your mother that maybe we took that for granted, we won’t again, I promise you that. I can’t promise we’ll understand, but we will try and no matter what, at least we will listen, okay?”
“Okay… uh… dad?”
“Yes?”
Noah stared at his dad and he could feel the love there. He had felt bad about not telling them about how he was feeling before and maybe if he had, things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand on the weekend but he never really knew how he stood with them. Sure they always told him how much they loved him but how do you know when that is true or not? Christ how many parents told their kids that and then when the kid did trust them to say something, the kid was tossed out on the street? How could he have known?
All he knew now for certain was that what he had always hoped he had with them, he knew he did now. They had yelled and screamed but then most parents usually do until they calm down. The lucky guys like him then get a chance, the unlucky one’s he guessed found other ways to survive. He wondered for a moment how Dakota’s folks had handled finding out about him and his brother but the fact that Dakota was still living there gave him his answer at last. Suddenly he just didn’t feel so hopeless; at least he knew he had a home to go to, no matter what.
“Thanks, uh, I get out at 3…”
“I’ll be here”
“But work, I mean you are going to be late as it is and…”
“I took the day off”
“Huh? Why?”
“I think because, well, I think it is more important that I be around today, is all, just in case”
“Thanks”
He watched his father pulling away from the curb and smiled a little. Even at 16 it felt kind of nice to know that your dad was still there if you needed him, which he hated to admit but he did he need him. As the car left his sight he began to feel alone and frightened for no reason. Each time someone would walk by him he would start to shiver a little, wondering if they knew his terrible secret or if they would guess it.
It was not really new to him, to feel this skittish and yet in some ways it was. Every person he passed would cause him to lower his head as if studying the floor and yet he kept stealing glances at them. His paranoia was eating at him as he struggled with the emotions that were boiling inside. He still didn’t believe Dakota and yet he wasn’t here, so maybe he was telling the truth? Yet even as he tried to let that thought take hold his heart kept fighting it. In some ways he thought he knew the answer, thinking that Dakota was worried for him but he was smart enough to know it was more than that, but what? That is what ate at him as he walked down the hallway distracted.
The collision wasn’t much, just a bump really and he looked up already saying sorry when he saw the red eyes and angry glare that came from them. Shit, just what he needed as he stared into Hector’s angry face. How could things get any worse he wondered as he mumbled his apology and tried to slink off but was roughly grabbed by the shoulders and turned around.
“Hey jerk you don’t get off that easy”
“I said I was sorry”
“Sorry don’t cut it shit face”
He had seen how others were stopping, many of them pointing at him and no one seemed upset by how Hector was talking to him. In some ways it was like they only wanted to see a show and in other ways it was that they were just glad it wasn’t them being picked on. No one moved in to help, which surprised him a little as he stood there, feeling helpless and very much alone. Inside he wished that Dakota was here and then it struck him, if this was how it was now what would it be like if they ever did find out about him and Dakota? He became even more scared as he tried to back away, to diffuse the situation.
“Look Hector, not today okay?”
“Oh? Listen to you, what’s the matter little boy, mommy forget to give her little baby a good bye kiss this morning?”
“Just leave me alone, okay? I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”
“Want? Nothing baby boy, not from some mama’s boy like you”
Hector laughed and reached out to muss Noah’s hair. Noah flinched and pulled back and as he did he tripped a little, his hands letting go of the notebook in his hands and it fell to the floor scattering the papers all over, some of which landed by Hector’s feet. His eyes were brimming with tears as he wondered why some people had to pick on others to make themselves feel good. Hector was a jerk but everyone around was laughing and snickering, just like Dakota said it would be. He felt the pain of knowing that he wasn’t very brave, that he really didn’t want to fight and yet he knew it was coming to that.
“Oh the little baby dropped his book, what a shame, here let me help you pick it up”
“It’s okay, I can do it”
“Oh come on, I don’t want to make you go running home to mommy cause I wasn’t a gentleman, now how would that look? Hmmm?”
“I said it’s okay”
“What’s the matter baby boy? Something you don’t want to share with your friends, we are your friends aren’t we?”
“Yeah sure, whatever”
“Now is that nice? I ask you, I think baby boy is lacking in manners, didn’t your mommy teach you manners?”
“Lay off Hector, you have had your fun”
“Fun? Are you saying I made you drop all those papers? How rude, and here I am simply trying to be a good conservationist, keeping my school clean and tidy”
Hector bent down and picked up a handful of papers and stared at Noah, seeing the fear in his eyes, which only made him grin more. He was about to crumple the papers up in a ball to throw into the wastebasket when something caught his eye and he stared at the writing on the paper. His eyes narrowed as he read the first few lines and then glared at Noah. His nostrils flared as he reached out suddenly and pushed Noah backwards, sending him into a group of other students.
“Well well, no wonder baby boy didn’t want any help. Hey everyone listen to this, it is to someone baby boy must think is pretty special, oh listen to this…
I don’t know what I did wrong that got you mad at me, I am sorry if I wasn’t good enough or if I should have let you be the one on top, all I know is that it felt so right when you pushed into me..
Christ we got us a real sick faggot here. Hey Noah, or is that Nora maybe? You get laid by some dude huh? Man you faggots make me sick… doesn’t it piss the rest of you off? Having one of them here?”
He stood there in total fear as he heard his words being spoken aloud. It was a note he had tried writing to Dakota and he felt the pain in his heart as he heard the pathetic sounding words. Panic ripped at him as he tried to remember if he used Dakota’s name or not and all he could think about was to get the paper and run. He tried to snatch it out of Hector’s hand but was pushed back by the stronger boy. His heart was thundering as he found his voice.
“That’s private… leave it alone”
“No way, it was all over the floor faggot… tough shit, let’s see what else it says, maybe we’ll find out who this other faggot is or you gonna save me the trouble? Huh? How about it, you gonna tell me or maybe you need some manly persuasion?”
All he could think about was how Dakota had warned him and here it was, not even an hour into being at school and he had already slipped up. God if Dakota had been here it would have been worse and he thanked his stars that at least he had somehow managed to keep Dakota out of it. He reached once more for the paper, but was thwarted as Hector glared at him, tiny drops of spit starting to show around Hector’s lips.
“Fuck off Hector, leave me alone, I don’t…”
He didn’t see it coming but he felt it the instant that Hector’s fist connected with his face. The pain was blinding as was the strange lights that seemed to suddenly spring up in front of him. He could hear a strange animal howl echo in his ears as he staggered backwards, unsure exactly what had happened. He could feel the pain travelling up and down his spine as he hit the back of a locker, the lock digging hard into his back.
Noah’s hands were at his side when the second punch landed square into the middle of his stomach. He felt the air leave his lungs and his body lurch forward. There was something oozing from the side of his face but all he could think about was how much he hurt. The pain was intense inside and he could hear himself coughing as the third blow landed. He only saw a blur as he saw something big and pink come from what seemed like the ground. His eyes bulged out as he saw it coming towards him and he started to try and turn away and lift his face at the same time but the pain in his belly held him in check.
The blow landed off centre and he could feel his head snap to one side, following the force of the blow up and to the left. His head snapped back and struck the hard metal of a locker and he felt the double blow of pain reaching for him. His heart was racing with panic as he felt himself slumping to the floor. His legs had given in to the pain and he couldn’t even feel them as he slowly slid down the rough metal door to rest finally on the cold floor. His eyes were open but blank as the pain seemed to be everywhere inside of him. His head was throbbing from a thousand places it seemed and he could feel the tears falling down his cheek.
“Not so mouthy now are you faggot?”
He thought he heard the words but his mouth was too swollen for him to say anything as he stared up at the towering boy who now stood over him. He felt the pain inside growing as he tried to back away but there was no where for him to go. All he could see was the angry face peering down at him and he wished he had never come to school today, wished that he had never been born as he stared open mouthed at Hector. Off to one side he saw a familiar face and suddenly he thought that it would all be over now, that at least he would stop it. His head turned to stare fully at the other person who now moved in and stared at Hector then at him lying on the floor.
“Fuck Hector, you losing it?”
“No, shit read this Rusty, I was right all along, he’s a fucking faggot man”
“Come on, just cause he wore a dress…”
“Shit, read for yourself, it’s his, go on… read it dude then tell me I am losing it”
Rusty took the paper from Hector’s hand and looked down at Noah. There was something pathetic really about Hector and yet as he read the page his own blood grew hot. Christ was this for real? He stared at the words on the paper and then at Noah lying on the floor.
“Fuck, you really write this Noah?”
He didn’t know what to say. The look on Rusty’s face was cold looking and blank too. It scared him and even if he wanted to say something, the pain in his jaw and cheek wouldn’t let him. He just nodded even though that too caused him fresh jolts of pain that made him shake.
“Christ… man you are sick, all this time I been sticking up for you, man you are one fucked up idiot Noah… who is this guy? It isn’t that fruit you been hanging out with is it, that Marvin jerk?”
The look on Rusty’s face didn’t register with him. All he could think about was not letting them know it was Dakota. He could see that Hector would try something and no matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t let them know. He clenched his teeth feeling the taste of blood now as he struggled to be heard.
Somehow he found the strength to pull himself up so he leaned a little against the bottom of the locker. His body was shaking as he tried to speak and finally in a hoarse whisper was able to talk, desperate now to make Rusty understand and to make sure no one suspected it was Dakota. He couldn’t let that happen, no matter what as the pain raced up and down his shuddering body.
“No… no it isn’t… it isn’t anyone from here… Rusty please, I think my… please…”
Noah had reached out, his hand reaching out for Rusty’s leg. He tried to tug at the cuff but instead of getting help, he saw the foot pull back. The disappointment was only beginning to register when his eye noticed the foot returning, but it was coming back at him with a force. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing as he saw it come striking out at him and catch him square in the chest. He felt the runner strike him hard to one side of his chest, sending him reeling backwards to bang once more into the bottom of the metal locker. His head snapped back again, hitting the metal again as did his back.
“Don’t’ fucking touch me you dirt bag, Christ… I stood up for you, man what an idiot I was. Fucking faggot!”
His foot reared back once more and then he sent it forward again, this time catching the slumping Noah in the side. Everyone standing around heard the sudden whoosh of air escape Noah’s lips and the sound of a dull crump noise as Rusty’s foot made contact with the soft flesh of Noah’s side. Some where looking away while other’s had a strange glint in their eyes, enjoying the spectacle of one of their own being beaten up.
“I told you dude, didn’t I tell you?”
“Yeah Hector you did, shit, sorry man I should have known…”
“Well least we know now, hey momma’s boy, you getting my message?”
Noah stared at the two boys and all those who were standing around watching. He knew most of them and couldn’t believe the expressions on most of their faces. It was just like Dakota had said it would be like except for one thing. At least Dakota wasn’t here to see it; he doubted if he could handle seeing Dakota standing with all those others.
“I think he’s got the message loud and clear Hector”
“I don’t know, I think he might need a bit more education on that, perhaps…”
Rusty stared down at the battered boy and shook his head at Hector and reached out, wiping the tip of his sneaker on Noah’s leg, cleaning it of the blood that had spilt on it. He had to admit that it was pretty stupid of Noah to carry something like that paper on him but then fags weren’t exactly bright. After all, choosing to do guys when everyone knew it was just plain wrong wasn’t exactly something a smart person would do. He crumpled up the paper and tossed it into Noah’s lap, taking Hector by the shoulder in a brotherly way.
“Cool it man, you made your point, besides, a teacher could come by anytime, I think its time to let your lesson sink in a bit”
“Yeah I suppose… fuck you are lucky baby boy, if this was outside… you say anything, I mean anything and this will just be a sample of what I’ll do to you, you got that baby boy?”
Noah couldn’t speak but he nodded up at the two boys. He could see the delight his agony seemed to give Hector, which he had expected. What he hadn’t expected was to see some of that same delight in Rusty’s face. He had thought Rusty was a friend, was someone who would understand if he ever did find out. Dakota had been right about that too it seemed. He wasn’t sure which hurt more, the pain from Hector’s blows or the kicks from Rusty? Maybe it was the pain he felt from seeing all of his so-called classmates standing around watching, none of them even daring to move and help him. God, no wonder Dakota had backed off, he had known how it would be.
He saw Rusty take Hector by the shoulder and head off down the hallways. He could see the way Hector was gesturing that he was showing Rusty how he had hit him that first blow and as he watched, he saw how others simply moved on, the show over for the moment. Noah laid there watching them all walk away, no one stopping to even glance down at him or to even see if he was alive. He couldn’t believe it really and the pain was growing as he tried to just breath. His legs were numb and he felt a hot burning sensation each time he took a breath.
Suddenly he saw two feet in front of him and he managed to look up. There was some guy he barely knew standing there looking down at him and he tried to talk, but the pain only made him moan.
“Move it faggot, you are blocking my locker”
He didn’t know what to do, the guy was glaring at him and he felt like he was once more going to get hit. Tears were rolling down his face as he tried to push himself aside from the locker when a pair of hands reached out and pulled him away from the new threat. He felt the pain lancing up his shoulder and down his back as the person pulled him a few feet Finally he let go of him and he turned his head to see who had come to his aid but the tears seemed to be too much for him. He could barely see and yet he tried to focus.
“Christ Noah, you okay? SHit that is a stupid question, uh, look, don’t… fuck, just uh hang on, I’ll go get a teacher, man you are bleeding something fierce, hang on Noah, okay?”
He recognized the voice and just nodded, feeling a little bit better at the sound of a friendly voice. He could hear himself wheezing and yet he couldn’t find the strength to talk as he saw Marvin running down the hallway towards the office. At least he had be spared this and he slumped over, the pain making him lose conscientiousness.
Monday – 12:50 p.m.
Marvin stared out at the crowded assembly and felt sick to his stomach. He had seen the way they had carried his friend out this morning to the nurse’s room and then later the ambulance that had come to take him. God what a crazy fucked up world he had thought and yet at the same time he secretly felt relieved that it hadn’t been him. Strange how he had felt such hatred and anger when he had found Noah about to be kicked again and yet how glad he also felt that he hadn’t been there.
Even now he wondered how it all would have gone down if he had been there. Would Hector have dragged him into it too or would he just do his usual pushing and taunting? Somehow he felt he’d be in the next stretcher if he had been there but then he felt guilty for not being there. Noah needed him and he hadn’t been around but then if he had, would he have helped? It bugged him even now wondering that as he watched how everyone acted so normal, like nothing had happened this morning.
The police had come and there had been a big assembly and not a single person had stood up and pointed at Hector or Rusty. Of course no one would point to Rusty, after all he was a God to them all, their leader in sports and in everything else. How could what he did be wrong if he was a God? Shit it made him sick to think about and yet here he was, sitting there looking on and worse, he hadn’t said a word either. The teacher he had grabbed had asked, the principle and even the Nurse but he simply shook his head saying he didn’t know. Fuck he was really no better than them or maybe worse because Noah was his friend. How could he do that to him, let the creeps who did it get away like that?
Everyone in school had talked about it, the way some of them described it only made it seem even more unreal to him. Some were laughing as they talked about how Noah fell to the floor or how he was begging Rusty to help him. Man couldn’t they see how wrong it was or was it just that they liked the blood and sport of it so long as it wasn’t them on the receiving end? Did any of them really care about anything that counted? How could they have stood around cheering or worse, saying nothing and doing nothing?
Sure the Principle had made a big speech about they wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour, even promised that they would find out who had done it but in his heart Marvin knew they wouldn’t even try. Only way would be if Noah’s parents raised a big stink and somehow they didn’t seem the type. Hell they probably didn’t know until now but still, there was that note too. God how stupid could Noah be to have written that and have it with him? Didn’t he know by now you didn’t put anything like that in writing and you sure as hell didn’t have it at school where someone could find it. Christ he really must be in love or something to have written that, and he wondered who it could be?
There was no way he bought the story that it was some guy who didn’t go to the school and he searched the crowd of classmates to see who it might be. At first he might have suspected Rusty because Noah always seemed to go a bit wonky when Rusty was around. It was hero worship that he hated to see but then Rusty had taken the boots to Noah, so no it wasn’t him. So who could it be? Even as he tried to guess he couldn’t keep his mind on it. The way Hector and Rusty were being treated only infuriated him more but he knew there wasn’t shit that he could do. Sure he could rat them out but he had seen what Noah looked like after. There was no way he wanted to look like that and he wondered if maybe he could transfer out?
It just seemed so hard to even think about continuing here but would his parents let him? He doubted it, they weren’t exactly the type who understood. He could hear his father now, telling him he better stay put and get used to it or else change. Man what crap that was but as much as he wished he could change, he just couldn’t. How many times had he sat up at night alone praying for just that? He lost count a long time ago as he stared down at his plate, wondering if Noah would be okay and what would happen next. He knew that maybe for a day or two he was at least safe, but how long before they would target him? How long would it be before they realized that they could beat a fag up and get away it that it would be open season on him? He shivered a bit as he wondered how he would be, if he could ever handle getting beaten up like Noah had when he heard the sudden silence.
Marvin lifted his eyes up to stare at what had made everyone suddenly shut up and all he could see was how everyone had suddenly moved away from the table. That one spot reserved for the school heroes and as he stood up to get a better look he felt a strange exhilaration. There on the ground staring up at some tall dark haired guy was Rusty, blood seemed to be coming from his lip and off to the other side was Hector. He was all sprawled out several feet away from the table he had been sitting at and there was no doubt that he had taken one hell of a blow.
He moved in to see and hear what was going on as he stared at the back of the tall young dark boy. He seemed familiar but somehow he couldn’t place him as he stepped in closer, hearing the whispers as others were trying to figure out what it was all about. The boy looked lanky and as Marvin came closer he saw how he stood with his feet apart, waiting for the two downed heroes to get up, his head slowly moving to watch them both, his hands balled up into two huge fists at his side. Staring at his back Marvin could see the faded jeans with a small tear below one knee and the dull brown of boots under the cuff. He licked his lips as he saw the way the boy stood and he swivelled his head around to see how everyone else was standing in complete and utter shock. Someone next to him was whispering how this guy just walked up to the table and was greeted warmly by Rusty. He talked in soft tones as if totally surprised by how the guy just decked Rusty square in the face sending him sprawling backwards and then how before Rusty had hit the floor he had turned and yanked Hector up and sent him flying in the air across the floor.
Marvin moved in closer, wedging himself past several others. He was certain he knew who it was but all he could go by was the taut back that stood ramrod straight in front of him. He could see how the other’s weren’t sure what to do if anything and how many of them hung back a little, waiting to see which way this new battle would go. It was kind of eerie as he came closer to see the faded grass stains on the back of the jeans, the rather shoddy pants looking like they had been worn for a long time. The shirt was just a normal shirt, but it had obvious patches on it too and for a moment or two he thought about how hot the guy looked from the back. He shook his head as he came closer where now he could hear the huffing sound of the two boys on the floor. The tall lanky dark haired boy didn’t move, just stood there waiting for Rusty and Hector.
He glanced over to see that Hector was right out of it. There was blood oozing from his cheek and he looked all mangled, his legs at uneven angles and his one arm was pinned under him. Marvin felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing hat image and he wondered if maybe Hector might have broken a bone or two in his fall. It would be poetic justice but his attention moved towards Rusty who suddenly spoke up in a startled voice, showing fear even, which made everyone step back, even more.
“What the fuck… man…”
The tall dark just stared down at him, waiting for him to move and Rusty glared up at him, stunned and amazed. He turned his head to see Hector sprawled out on the floor, looking like he was dead or something and he could taste his own blood as he turned back to stare at the dark haired boy.
“Christ man, I thought we were friends, what the fuck is this about? Man you are so…”
“What Rusty? Dead?”
Rusty could see how everyone was watching. His whole reputation was at stake and he couldn’t figure out what had exactly happened here. All he knew was that he looked up was saying hello when POW, his lights went out and he was laying flat on his back on the floor. Now here he was, having to stare up at his assailant and the guy didn’t even look scared, which any normal person would be after hitting him. Christ he was top dog here, who did this nobody think he was? Still, the guy didn’t even flinch as he tried to cower him while getting his breath back.
“Fucking right dude, what is your fucking problem?”
“You are …Dude”
It was the way he said it that made him look at him again. There really was no fear in his face, which there should be. He glanced around at everyone standing by, wondering why no one had come to help him yet. He shook his head feeling confused and also feeling a bit frightened. Something wasn’t adding up here but Rusty couldn’t figure it out.
“Me? What the fuck did I do to you? Shit man…”
“Don’t like it huh? Well come on, maybe you can even the score, I ain’t running from you”
The voice was soft and even gentle sounding which only made Rusty hesitate more. He stared up at him, wondering what had set him off like this. There was a strange tone to the voice too, one that only made him feel the fear more. Everyone around was holding their breath, which only made it seem more menacing to his mind. He couldn’t figure it out as he stared up at the boy, wiping some of the blood from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he stared up but all he could see was the two fists that were at the boy’s side and they looked awfully large to him right now.
“Hey look man, I don’t know what got you all fired up, shit I didn’t do nothing to you, I got no reason to fight with you, what the fuck is this about?”
“You don’t know?”
“Fuck didn’t I just say that? NO I Don’t know”
“I don’t like you, isn’t that good enough reason?”
“Shit no it isn’t, Christ man, what the hell did I ever do to you?”
“Me personally? Nothing”
Rusty could see the way he was standing that the second he stood up he’d be flat on his back again. He didn’t stand a chance at a fair fight and he looked around, seeing how everyone had backed away, no one yet willing to come to his defence. Christ what was with those jerks? How could they just stand there and let some newcomer wail on him? They were supposed to be his friends, fuck what a bunch of losers he thought as he turned his face back to the tall dark towering over him.
“Then why man? Christ, look, whatever it is, we can talk it over, no need to get all violent is there?”
“Seems to be the thing to do around here, don’t like someone, kick the shit out of em, isn’t that how you run things here big shot?”
At first he didn’t understand and then as he stared up into the eyes, he knew what it was about. He felt a strange fear entering his body as he looked up into the very cold lifeless eyes that stared down at him. It was like looking at the face of death and he could feel himself shaking. He licked his lips and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his eyes becoming glazed with fear as he stared up.
“I don’t know what you… I mean…”
“Yeah you do, it is written all over your face Rusty, you know exactly what I mean”
“Shit man, if you mean about this morning, that was Hector man… I didn’t…”
“Didn’t do anything? I suppose kicking a guy after he’s already been beaten up counts as nothing huh?”
Rusty could hear them all whispering and yet he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy in front of him. He had to stall for time but in doing so he could hear the disbelief in their voices. Christ he knew he couldn’t let him get away with this but the way he looked, it was like he wanted to kill him. For what he had no idea as he leaned back on his elbows, trying to look confident but knowing he was failing. Hell even his voice sounded scared as he tried to figure a way out, wondering why Hector wasn’t doing anything but afraid to look over at him.
“Look man, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have uh, kicked him, but fuck, he’s queer man, Hector and I, we did you a favour, you didn’t want to… Christ…”
“Making sense to you now super jock?”
“Fuck how was I supposed to know? I didn’t… I mean…”
“What Rusty? Didn’t know I was queer too? You gonna call me FAGGOT too?”
The whole room was deathly quiet as Dakota’s voice rang out. There was no screaming, no wild shouting, just a calm matter of fact voice that held something else in its tone. Rusty squinted a little as he tried to figure it out but all he could feel was the fear that was suddenly raging inside of him. He could feel the shock that everyone around was feeling too. He couldn’t understand, why weren’t they jumping Dakota? Why were they just standing there watching it all? Didn’t they care about him, hell he was their friend, their leader, surely they couldn’t just stand by while some queer tried to beat him up?
“Uh no, shit no…”
“Yeah right, why not Rusty? Not so easy to call people names when they aren’t already down on the ground all beaten up huh?”
“Look dude, uh, I got no quarrel with you, I uh, it was Hector man, he was the one who started it, Shit man, I helped stop him dude, ask anyone here, they’ll tell you…”
“Tell me what? That you only kicked Noah twice before worrying about a teacher coming by? I already heard all about how you stopped it Rusty, now… well now its payback time”
“Fuck man, I ain’t gonna fight you”
Dakota had taken a step forward when the piercing cry shattered the silence in the room. His head turned to see Hector trying to sit up but the pain held him back. Dakota’s eyes narrowed at him wondering for a second if he had done some real damage to him, forgetting about Rusty for the moment. The sound of his name being screamed out made him turn and he caught a brief glimpse of the figure coming at him from the floor. He tried to move out of the way but it was too late as he felt Rusty’s body crash into his, sending him falling backwards.
He hit the edge of the table on the small of his back and his own cries now mingled with Hector’s. Dakota felt a sudden dizziness come over him as his legs buckled and he began to fall to the ground. The blow caught him above the stomach and he felt the air in his lungs escape his lips as he reached out, wrapping his arms around Rusty’s body. Together they fell to the ground and he hung on for a second or two before wailing out with his own fists. He found the shoulder with his first shot and felt the sting as his hand struck Rusty’s collarbone.
The pain moved up his arm as he struggled and twisted with Rusty. Then he reached out and pushed Rusty backwards with his other arm, sending him off balance and in a shot was back on his feet, panting as he stared at Rusty who was also on his feet. He could see the wild look in his eyes but all that mattered to him was the image of Noah bleeding. He moved in and let Rusty swing first. He let the blow come past his arm to strike him a glancing blow but as Rusty’s outstretched hand moved past, Dakota leaned inwards and put all of his weight into his lowered hand. The fist moved hard and fast right up and into the exposed under pit of Rusty’s arm. He felt the blow as his fist dug into the soft flesh and he could see the pain register in Rusty’s face.
As his one fist struck hard upwards, he let his other hand strike just as hard into the soft underbelly. The sound of his fist hitting the soft flesh only drove him more as all he could see was Noah’s battered face. Rusty doubled over from the two blows and as his chin came down, Dakota brought his one good hand out and down. He felt the fire inside of him as he swung upwards, catching Rusty fully on the chin. The sound of bone striking bone echoed loudly in the room. It drowned out Hector’s cries even as it reverberated throughout the room. Rusty fell backwards, his body no longer able to stand.
Dakota could feel the blood dripping from his nose and lip as he moved in closer, the wild glaze in his eyes beaming down at the fallen figure. Everyone moved away, watching as Rusty stared up at Dakota, his hand suddenly flung up and over his face as he cried out his surrender, sobbing even as Dakota came closer. Everyone stared at the sudden fear that flared out from Rusty and they could all hear his pitiful voice giving in, almost pleading for Dakota to stop, to let it go.
He stood there staring down at Rusty, his chest heaving as he just stared. Rusty could feel the hatred that came from Dakota as he tried to back away, tried to move out of reach of Dakota’s feet and hands. He was crying as he tried to back away, to prevent what he knew was going to come. His voice was pleading for Dakota to stop when another louder voice silenced him. He heard the loud angry demanding voice and he felt relief, feeling at last like he had been saved as he saw two teachers and Principle Jensen running towards him and Hector.
“What is going on here? Mr Northwood? Explain yourself”
“Nothing, just a little disagreement is all”
“Nothing? Now see here, I warned all of you this morning, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my school”
“I am sorry, we uh, got carried away is all, right Rusty?”
“Uh yeah…”
“NO! It isn’t right, Mr Jensen, Dakota here was simply paying them back for beating up Noah Collins, and if no one else wants to tell you, I will.”
All eyes turned to the squeaky voice and Dakota stared at Marvin who now pushed forward and stood in a cleared area of the floor. He had tears running down his face as he spoke and Dakota could see the fear in his face and yet there was something more there too. He could see a sort of admiration or pride or something that made him feel a bit better.
“Are you telling me that these two, Now just a second here Mr. Hottinger, you are accusing two of our most popular students of…”
“He is right, I saw it, Hector started it but Rusty was the one who kicked Noah”
The principle turned towards the new voice that had interrupted him and he could see several others looking at the floor, some where even nodding and he glared down at Rusty Maartin and Hector. He had wondered a little how no one had seen or heard anything and now he knew why. Rusty was their leader and most popular boy in school, still it made him angry that no one had gotten past that until now. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle the situation as another voice popped up saying pretty much the same thing. In some ways he felt a bit relieved, as he was certain that Noah’s father was going to sue him and the school for the attack earlier. At least whatever happened here would give him an opportunity to perhaps ease that problem. Now he had to decide what to do about Mr Northwood as well.
“All right, well break it up boys, Mr Northwood you get over to the Nurse’s office, I’ll see you after, Mr Hottinger you come with me to my office, you two boys also. Mr Maartin you and Mr Ramirez will go with Mr Young to his office.”
“I can’t move my arm, he broke it”
“Yes well, you two help him stand up and take him to Mr Young’s office, we’ll get an ambulance and the police I think.”
“I didn’t do anything… you can’t call the cops on me, Hottinger is just a fag… how can you…”
“Mr Ramirez you are in enough trouble, shut up”
Monday 4:43 p.m.
As they turned the corner to go down their street Nate saw the blue old car parked in front of their house. His heart was already beating too fast as he let his foot off the gas. He could see a lanky figure sitting on the front steps with its head bowed down and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t just go down the street, acting like it wasn’t his house but he knew that Noah would be upset. His face turned to his wife who was leaning over the front seat checking for the umpteenth time on Noah who was propped up in the back. He could see her worry as he wheeled the car past the blue mustang and into his driveway.
Nate got out of the car quickly as his wife moved out the other side to help their son out of the car. He stared over at the dark haired boy who now stood up and came down the steps to stare back at him. For a second Nate felt a rage inside, wondering how dare Dakota show up here after all that had happened. He couldn’t help feeling angry at him, knowing in his heart it wasn’t just or fair but it was his boy that had been hurt. Where had Dakota been then he wondered as he stared at the boy who slowly moved down the walkway towards them.
Watching him come closer Nate’s heart suddenly felt heavy and sad. He couldn’t really blame him for this, thought he wanted to. It wasn’t Dakota who made those boys hate. Still if he had been there maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad or then again it could have been worse. He sighed as he heard his son’s whimper as he climbed out of the back seat and he turned to watch him. He felt so helpless really as he saw how much pain his boy was in, knowing that he couldn’t do anything to protect him beyond what he had already done. He felt a failure really and it wasn’t Dakota’s fault for that either, it was his as he turned back to see Dakota coming closer. This time he noticed the limp and also the bruises on the boy’s face.
“My God… are you okay? Who…”
“I am okay Sir, I uh, I got into a fight… uh. I…”
“DAKOTA!”
Noah’s voice sounded so strong and happy that Nathan forgot for a moment about how much pain his son had to be in. He turned towards the sound and saw the big smile on his face, a gap showing where one tooth had been knocked out. He also saw the bandage on his cheek that covered nineteen stitches and his joy suddenly left him. His heart only ached for all that had happened as he watched Dakota move forward towards Noah and his wife. His eyes stared at her for a moment and he could see the tears welling up there. He also saw her anger that was directed at the dark haired boy slowly moving towards their son. He shook his head and she looked at him and then at Noah. Her shoulders sagged a little as she moved to one side, letting Noah stand on his own. He watched as his son reached out for Dakota who ran a little to get close. He took Noah’s hand and placed it around his waist.
They stood there for a second or two, both of them afraid to really look at the other and yet as he felt Noah’s hand on his hip he knew he would have to eventually explain it all. Somehow though for now he just wanted to feel Noah next to him, to smell him and be near him. He wasn’t quite certain if it would last but this time he knew he wouldn’t run away.
The touch of Dakota’s hand felt like fire to him. He could feel the sudden heat rising in his body and even though it hurt he just didn’t care. Dakota was here which was all that mattered to him. He could see the pain and even sense it really as his hand rested lightly on Dakota’s hip. It felt so perfect that he just needed time to enjoy it, to let it him know it was real and not some dream induced by the pain he was feeling. Funny how much the ride home had hurt and yet now, how little it really seemed to bother him.
They took maybe two or three steps before Dakota stopped. He stood still and then slowly he reached down and touched Noah’s hand. He felt the cold of the skin and yet somehow he felt warm too. He shivered a little as he turned away from Noah’s parents and looked at Noah. His heart ached as he saw the long pale tan bandage across the one cheek, the white one on the corner of the bruised and cut lips. His eyes stared at the battered face and he lowered his own face, his one hand still holding Noah’s, his other wrapped in white plaster hanging limp at his side.
“Noah… I am sorry…”
“This wasn’t your fault Dakota…”
“Yeah in a way it is…”
“How’s that? You weren’t there, no way could you have stopped it without, well…”
He couldn’t explain it but his hand didn’t hurt so much nor did the pain in his chest seem so painful either. Just being near Noah seemed to ease the pain just like his dad said it would. There was no way he could ever explain how he was feeling right now, it just seemed so perfect and so right. Maybe Montana had been right after all, that love could make a person forget the pain. God he wished Montana could have met Noah, he would have liked him.
“I know, but I should have been there, Christ Noah you mean more to me than anything, and I let you down”
The voice was soft almost like a whisper and yet it rang loudly in his head. He felt the power of each word as it caressed his bruised body or so it seemed to him. There was so much he wanted to ask but for now all he wanted was to be next to Dakota, to listen to his heart beat next to his own. Whatever had happened before didn’t really matter now, all that mattered was that Dakota was here.
“No you didn’t Dakota, it isn’t your fault”
“It is actually, if I had been there, if I hadn’t pushed you away yesterday, shit this is all my fault”
“Why? Why did you, yesterday, I….”
He lifted his own face up and stared into Noah’s face. He could feel the love there and he took courage from it, trusting that somehow Noah would understand.
“I was scared”
“Of fighting? I thought you… I mean you didn’t seem like it bothered you”
“No, not that really… it was, well, I didn’t want anyone to know Noah, I was afraid that if they found out, well… I didn’t think I could handle it”
“Being gay?”
“Yeah, sort of that, well no, mostly that but not just that, it was like, well if it came out, it would be well… there would be no turning back. That’s more of what freaked me I think, knowing that I couldn’t keep it a secret forever and yet, well, kind of wanting to”
“I don’t… you wish you weren’t gay?”
“Don’t you? I mean honestly, right now, don’t you wish you weren’t gay?”
“Now? No, not now, maybe this morning I did, but not now”
He thought for sure Noah would have said yes. He looked into the soft eyes to see them sparkling at him, almost as if they were happy. For a minute the look reminded him of how Noah looked the instant that his body had joined with Noah’s. The eyes looked the same, had the same sheen to them as they did now. Could he really not care if he was gay or not?
“Why not?”
“Cause if I wasn’t gay now, you wouldn’t be here holding my hand”
“You mean that?”
“Uh huh”
“Even after the shit I said to you yesterday?”
“Yeah, I guess I always knew you didn’t mean it, still… it did hurt, but…”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t”
“I know Dakota”
“I wish I could take it all back”
“You have, we are okay, aren’t we?”
“If you still want me, yeah we are okay”
Noah didn’t bat an eyelash as he answered Dakota. His heart was finally happy again, just like it had been back at the tree house. It was as it should be and how could he not want Dakota? The pain of not having him was much worse than anything Hector or even Rusty could ever do to him. No, there wasn’t any doubt in his heart as he smiled when he nodded and spoke.
“I do”
“Why? I don’t…”
“I don’t know, can’t explain it really except when you are here, I feel good”
It was what he had hoped Noah would say, still hearing the words were almost like a shock to his system. His mind had told him so many times that no one could really love him, that no man could love another like him but now all those doubts, all those fears seemed to just fall away as he heard Noah’s voice telling him the truth. It was still hard for his mind to accept but in his heart he could feel the truth of the words.
“Even now?”
“Especially now, it doesn’t seem to hurt so much, why you?”
“Huh? Why me what?”
“Why did you change your mind?”
Looking at Noah, touching him and feeling him next to him only made him realize what he had finally come to understand standing at the edge of the platform of the tree house. Noah was somehow a part of him, just like his dad had said and like Montana had tried to tell him before. There was no reason behind it, whatever force had made him had also made Noah for him, and vice versa. They were meant to be and all it needed to happen was him having faith.
He knew he had almost lost Noah, maybe a lot more than that too as he remembered the wind blowing on his back and how it all looked so easy to just step off the ledge and be at peace. Now he had it all and despite the bruises and pain in his body he could still feel that touch of Noah’s shorts on the back of his legs, that simple touch of cloth against his flesh that had changed his life, that had restored his faith and given him hope.
Tears were in his eyes as he finally managed to put it into words, ones that he knew came from his heart and which he knew Noah would understand.
“Cause it hurt more to be without you than being gay hurt, because I suppose I realized that with you at least life meant something. Corny huh?”
“Kind of, but sweet”
“Think your parents will let us see each other still?”
“Depends”
“On what?”
“You gonna make an honest woman out of me?”
“SHIT!”
Noah smiled as he let his head rest into Dakota’s chest. He could feel the strong beat of his heart and he smiled to himself, enjoying the scent that came into his nostrils. It was like back at the tree house and he knew that what they had there was only a beginning. He couldn’t help but feel happy despite the pain in his body as he felt Dakota’s finger lift his chin up to look into his face. He saw the tears in Dakota’s eyes as Dakota’s head bent forward. The light touch of his lips on his mouth made him tremble with excitement as he felt the strong arms encircle him and hold him close.
They broke apart and slowly made their way up the sidewalk to the front door where Noah’s parents both stood. Noah stared at his mother who had tears in her eyes and then he glanced over at his father. He saw him staring at him, questioning him really and he smiled as he spoke.
“Mom, Dad, this is Dakota, he’s my boyfriend”
