The Locker - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Arizona

The night was silent as she stood there at the base of the old tree. Her eyes kept glancing upwards, wondering if the guys had heard her right or if she had come too early. A small tear came to her eye as she hoped she had taken enough time to get here, had taken long enough so they could at least finish but then the look on Noah’s parents face had kind of made her want to just get lost, to never find Noah and Dakota but she knew that was being dumb.

“Hey did you hear me Dakota? Noah?”

She struggled to try and keep quiet, to keep her voice from yelling out more things as she waited, hoping that maybe they would pretend not to be there. That might work for a bit but she doubted it, after all everyone had heard Noah’s screams earlier as well as Dakota’s. It was like they had used some megaphone or something and if only Noah’s parents hadn’t been there it might have been a good evening. She was almost certain her dad was going to smile which she would have given anything to have seen. He used to have such a nice smile but it had been ages since he last smiled, never mind laughed like he meant it.

Sure he went through the motions now and then, just to appease her or her mom, but she knew it was phoney. This time though it looked like he just might break one for real which would have really made it a perfect weekend. Now all that seemed ruined and it bugged her. She had started to get those urges again and her mother had noticed, rushing her out of the house to go find Dakota and Noah which had saved the moment. It really wasn’t her fault, the Doctors said she’d grow out of it or at worst it would lessen over time, still that didn’t help her now.

School was pure hell for her because she was petrified that she might slip one day and let it all out and that wasn’t something she ever wanted to happen, but it could. She worried a lot about that and then coming to a new school seemed like maybe she could get through it, until Dakota met Noah. God he was so cute and in a weird sort of way she felt kind of attracted to him even though he was like her brothers.

He had nice eyes, the kind that made her feel all comfy and warm not like those other geeks that hung around Dakota. Jesus he let some really strange types hang around him but he kept telling her it was for show, to keep their secret hidden but she didn’t like it much and besides, it only made her more nervous which wasn’t good. That new kid, Rusty, he had mean eyes and she could tell he didn’t like Dakota being friendly to Noah too which made her wonder a bit about him.

The guy was tall and had real good looks, just like her brother and being a girl, she kind of liked to compare. The more she thought about it, the more she thought that Dakota had the edge even if he walked around with that dumb sad face of his. Mind you, since he met Noah he didn’t seem such a sour puss, which made her happy. She liked it when Dakota was happy and even though she knew that her time with him would be less if he got involved with Noah, she didn’t really mind. Besides, she might be able to sneak a peek sometimes, as she was kind of curious as to what he looked like without his clothes on.

She stomped her feet and glared up at the tree, trying to push away those weird thoughts. Mind you she was having a few other ones like that too which worried her because she doubted if she could control her thoughts if she ever really did fall for some guy. Strange, only when she first saw Noah did she start to wonder what it would be like to have someone other than her brother or parents to care for, and the more she thought about it the sadder she got. Most likely she wouldn’t find out, after all who would want to go out with some crazy girl who couldn’t keep her mouth shut?

“If you guys don’t hurry I am gonna come up there”

“You stay there, we uh, we’ll be right down, geez”

“Hurry up, make sure you put on the right clothes”

“Arizona!”

“Sorry, but hurry, okay?”

“We are, we are”

“Okay”

Arizona leaned against the tree, her eyes open and staring but if anyone was to have been there, to be looking, they would see that she was there but not there. Her mind was off once more, wondering what it was about Noah that made her feel warm and fuzzy and even, well a bit jealous? Was she being perverted or something or was it just that at last she realized that she wanted the same thing Dakota had? Was it that she was tired of all the sadness and that she wanted someone other than Dakota to share things with or was it just a dumb schoolgirl crush on some cute guy? Noah did have that look, that smouldering look that made her heart go skip a beat or two and yet, well it wasn’t quite the way she had thought it would be. Maybe it was just that ever since Montana left he was the first person that seemed to be different, seemed to be more than just a passing friend.

Dakota

The boxers felt a bit tight around his legs and waist as he pulled up his faded denim pants and he knew that he was wearing Noah’s shorts. They felt kind of nice next to him and he knew it wasn’t an accident on his part either. He had taken them and passed his to Noah, knowing they weren’t his simply because he knew what was coming. The instant he heard Arizona screaming that Noah’s folks were here, he knew and the happiness he had been feeling was gone now, gone and he doubted if it would ever return just as he doubted if he would ever have time alone with Noah like this again.

For a minute or perhaps even two he had tried to convince himself that they were here because of some family emergency or something, but deep down inside he knew it was because they had found out. How he wasn’t sure, but they had and that was why they were here. IT was like reliving that first few days when Montana had finally told his parents. God the house was like a war zone one second, then the frozen icebergs of Alaska the next. He didn’t know how any of them had survived it, and maybe the truth was that they hadn’t, least not yet. In some ways the house still felt like they were out on some iceberg in the Alaskan sea or something, alone drifting on the cold waters but it would end, wouldn’t it?

His eyes were moist as he tugged the pants up, buttoning them and wanting to say something, but afraid to, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would break down and cry which he didn’t want to do anymore. He had cried enough but the pain that was inside of him right now was almost unbearable as he reached down to put on his socks. Dakota could smell Noah, that special scent that he had smelled that first day only stronger now and it tore at him as he believed that he would never smell it like this again. He was certain that Noah would disagree but maybe in some ways this was good?

As much as it hurt him to even think it, this would solve their problem about school and while it meant that they wouldn’t be together, least this way Noah wouldn’t be getting the crap kicked out of him, nor would he for that matter. Mind you he wasn’t all that worried, he could take care of himself pretty good but Noah, well, he doubted if Noah had ever been in a fight so it would be harder for him which Dakota just couldn’t stand to think about. The tears were there as he wiped his face in disgust, trying to close off his emotions but failing as each time he breathed, he smelt Noah, felt him really in a way that only made the pain grow stronger inside. It wasn’t fair as he stood there, dressed at last and he knew that he would have to look at Noah, to say something.

“Noah…”

He could hear it in his voice and it ripped into his own feelings like a knife thru butter. The notion of his parents finding out had never been something he had thought much about until the instant Arizona’s voice had intruded telling him they were here. He knew in his heart that somehow they had found out and had come to take him away from Dakota, something he couldn’t bear, or at least something he wasn’t prepared to give up.

Yet listening to the resigned voice calling his name he knew that Dakota had perhaps already given up, had already accepted in a brief few seconds that what they had was over with. How could he love him if he was so quick to give up? It didn’t make sense to him and yet maybe it did? Maybe it wasn’t that Dakota loved him or that he loved Dakota, just that they had found each other and well, they both wanted what the other had, maybe that was all there was to them, but it couldn’t be that, could it?

Even as he thought that he could feel Dakota inside of him and he knew that it was bullshit. Dakota cared for him like no one could care for him and he for Dakota, so why was Dakota so willing to give in so easily? Was he afraid? Did he think he didn’t care enough so why bother? What was it? WHAT?

“Don’t… Don’t Dakota, I know what you gonna say… please… don’t”

“Come on, you can’t…”

“Yes I can… I mean it, nothing, not even them are going to change how I feel or what I want… you do still want me, don’t you Dakota?”

Did he want Noah? Of course he did he told himself and he could feel the warmth even now and yet the whole relationship had happened so fast, so instantly that he wasn’t sure if it was just that Noah was cute and hot or if it really was as he felt it was? Could he have mistaken the look, the feeling or was he just so lonely, so empty that anyone would have done?

He shook his head as his hand slipped into his waist, pushing the band of the boxer shorts a little and he knew Noah wasn’t just some fuck buddy, just some convenient fuck. There was something about him that had made him do what he had, something that he just didn’t quite understand inside his head but something that his heart knew very well. How could that be he wondered as he stared out into the empty night, wishing that Montana was here to help him, to guide him in this but he was alone, just like Noah was.

“Of course I do, shit Noah I have never wanted… it is just that… I know how parents can get, Christ I wish I didn’t but…”

“I can change them, I can make them understand, you’ll see Dakota I will”

“No, you won’t, you can’t…”

Noah felt suddenly afraid, suddenly saddened by the way Dakota seemed so willing to accept what they thought it was, that his parents were here to take him away, to try and come between them. Sure it most likely was that, but why was Dakota willing to let it happen without fighting? Why wasn’t he suggesting ways that he could sneak out, or ways they could get together? Christ he had shown up and spent the night with him why couldn’t that happen again? Why did he seem so quick to let him go? Wasn’t he worth a little bit of a fight even?

“You did, your parents changed, they understand…”

God how does he explain it to him? How does he try to tell him that nothing really has changed at his place except that no one laughs anymore, no one jokes anymore, no one smiles anymore and all because he his gay and his brother died from being gay? Doesn’t Noah understand that his parents aren’t any different than his, that they too can’t stand what he is? Doesn’t Noah get it, that each time Dakota’s own father looks at him, Dakota can see the shame, the sadness, the anger even? If he did, then maybe he would understand, but how can he tell him that? How can he let him know that what they are may seem great to them, may seem wonderful and filled with warmth and tenderness but what their parents see is perversion, disgrace, and worse, disappointment?

“No, they don’t really and it took Montana dying to get them to this point, so…”

“But they changed, right?”

“No, well okay, sort of, but you don’t have a brother, and even if you did would you want him to die so you could be with me? Come on Noah, you know that…”

Why? Why won’t Dakota help him? He could barely stand to look at him even, his head was constantly staring down at the floor of the platform, at his feet or off elsewhere instead of looking at him, why? Was he ashamed of him already because his parents had come, because they had found out? Why?

Christ if Dakota really loved him why wouldn’t he help him now? Was he just trying to make it easier for him or was he trying to dump him without saying it? Was it school that him so scared and now he had a way out? Did he think that Noah would not be able to control himself in school, like he had said earlier, so that now he had a way to end it before that happened? Was he that scared or was there something he wasn’t saying?

Whatever it was, Noah could tell that he had to make Dakota understand, that he had to let Dakota know that he wouldn’t give up, that he did care and that he did love Dakota. He had to convince him, to show him and if that meant fighting with his parents alone until he did prove it, fine he would, he just needed to convince Dakota of that, because inside, deep down in his soul, he knew he could do this, he knew that he had no other choice but to.

“I know I can do this, I know it, stop trying to tell me otherwise, don’t Dakota, don’t!”

“Noah, come on, it’s bad enough they are here, shit don’t make it worse, please…”

“Worse? How can it be fucking worse? I thought you wanted me, cared for me, now it is like, like you are giving up without even trying to keep me, I…”

He was right, he wasn’t helping him or even trying but it wasn’t because he didn’t care or didn’t want him. He had been down this road before, with his own brother and he knew what it did to a family and as much as he wanted Noah, he couldn’t be the one to ruin his family, to end his closeness with them.

It was hard enough to be queer never mind having no one to rely on, never mind having no safe place to go and be comforted. He knew he didn’t have that, not in the way he needed it to be which was why he went through the charade of pretending to be straight, of dating girls, of even having sex with them, all so he could keep his secret and not get hurt. Noah wouldn’t be able to do that, and if he didn’t have his family behind him then there was no way he’d make it, no chance for him and Dakota knew he couldn’t let that happen. He knew it might cost him but so what, he already had paid the price so he knew how to cope, how to get on with tomorrow but Noah didn’t and as much as he wanted to be with Noah, he couldn’t let him go through that pain, not if he could prevent it.

“I don’t want to lose you Noah, Fuck I’d do anything to keep you, to keep us together, but how? Tell me and I’ll do it…”

“We don’t even know why they are here, maybe it isn’t what we think…”

“Uh huh, you know it is, so do I, come on, they wouldn’t come all the way out here if it was something else, they would have phoned first, you know that”

“Not really, I mean it could be something else, it doesn’t have to be that they found out about me, it isn’t like I left them a note or anything”

“I know, but parents, they have a way of finding this shit out sometimes, I don’t know, maybe your mom came across a magazine or something when cleaning your room, how do I know how, but we both know that’s why they are here”

“Still…”

“Still nothing Noah, they aren’t going to let you see me”

“They can’t stop me, besides we share a locker at school, they won’t take me out of school… we’ll find ways, please, I can’t go down knowing that… thinking that…”

The angry voice boomed out and made them both jump a little, startled by its loudness and apparent closeness too. Noah stared at Dakota, the fear showing on his face as once more the loud angry male voice boomed out, calling for him.

“Noah! Noah! Where are you?”

Looking at Dakota and then out past the sky towards the lights of the house off in the distance he felt like he was about to lose everything he had dreamed of and yet something inside of him refused to let it go, refused to just surrender so he yelled back, his voice filling the night with an anger of its own, an impatience of its own.

“I am coming, give me a minute”

“Hurry up, your mother is waiting in the car and it’s late”

He felt the rage inside, felt the unfairness of it all and yet as he turned away from the platform to look at Dakota he felt like his world was ending. He couldn’t begin to describe how horrible he felt inside, how the pain seemed to be everywhere at once and how he felt like he was 100 years old. His legs ached and not from kneeling over Dakota’s body but from knowing that it might have been not just his first time, but his last time experiencing real love. He couldn’t help himself; the tears were rolling down his face as he yelled out once more, letting the rage inside begin to take hold.

“IN A MINUTE!”

“NOW Noah!”

Time had run out for them, Noah could tell that as he saw the way Dakota’s shoulders sagged under the realization that Noah was being forced to leave. It was strange, he thought that Dakota would try to fight for him, try to keep him here and his quick acceptance puzzled him and hurt too. He would fight for Dakota, he knew that so why wouldn’t Dakota fight for him? It ached inside, made him wonder if maybe all he was to Dakota was some fuck toy, some quick fuck that might have lasted a bit but not for long, and yet even as he thought it he didn’t quite believe it, or was that just his own wishful thinking?

He moved past Dakota towards the trunk of the tree and the way down, feeling betrayed and dejected, knowing he would have a major battle with his parents as his welcome home and for what? Just so he could say he took a big dick up his ass and so wasn’t a virgin anymore? Was that all this weekend had turned into? Noah could feel the rage inside as he stepped past Dakota’s still figure and as he moved past he felt the soft gentle breeze blowing across and his nostrils flared as Dakota’s rich fragrance came to his senses.

Just as he felt the aroma invading the place in his heart where his anger rested he felt the soft touch of Dakota’s fingers on his arm and he turned to see the tears rolling down the soft pale cheeks. His heart skipped a beat as he realized that he didn’t need to doubt Dakota, he just needed to show him that he was stronger than Dakota thought he was. His hand moved across his stomach and rested briefly on the now chilled hand of Dakota and he looked deep into the rich brown eyes now clouded by tears.

“You know I am wearing your shorts Dakota”

“I know”

“You ain’t ever getting them back, when I am old and finally kick this fucking world, I am gonna make sure that I am buried wearing them, no matter what you or they try to say now, you know that?”

“I do now”

“I am yours Dakota, I will never be with another person unless it is you”

“Noah…”

“I mean it, there will never be anyone else for me, will there be for you?”

“No”

They had climbed down in silence and met Arizona at the base, her eyes wide and glowing as she put her fingers to her lips, telling them to be quiet and then she pointed outwards, showing them the tall figure coming quickly towards the tree. Dakota could tell that it had to be Noah’s father and he felt a strange fear inside, almost as if he was about to go into battle and yet the soft press of Noah’s hand against his leg helped him to remain calm as they waited for Noah’s dad.

Somehow he knew that what they had said to each other was real, that Noah somehow did seem to understand a bit of what he was in for and all he wanted was Dakota’s support. All he wanted was to know that Dakota cared enough to wait and that he had no thoughts of others. Easy to say, hard to do, but as he stood there waiting he knew that even if Noah hadn’t asked, he would have waited. There was no doubt in his heart that he needed Noah and that there could never be anyone who could come close to making him feel what they had shared up on the platform.

No, he would have waited, had already resigned himself to being nothing more than a frustrated old crock for the rest of his life because there would never be anyone like Noah and without Noah, he just couldn’t see himself wanting to do anything with anyone else. Strange though that Noah would feel that way too, hell it was strange that he did too because it wasn’t how the books and all said it was. They were only 16 and supposed to be nothing but a mess of hormones or stuff, yet it wasn’t that way at all.

Okay yeah he got a boner when he would see some hot guy, most likely Noah did too but when he had seen Noah, saw the way he was walking down the hallway that first day, it wasn’t that he just got a boner but he got this horrible ache and pain deep in his chest. It was like what he thought a heart attack might feel like except that this was worse, or so he thought. Still, he couldn’t help it, he just didn’t want to see Noah get hurt, and fighting with your folks, knowing how disappointed they were in you, that was something he didn’t want anyone to feel, even if it meant living a life alone, it was the least he could do for Noah, besides, he did have tonight which was maybe more than many guys ever got.

Noah’s dad had glared at him like he was some evil monster and he had been surprised when Noah reached out to take his hand as they greeted his dad. God, that feeling when Noah held his hand despite the glaring eyes from his dad was something. His whole body shook and he had to have looked like a fool as he stammered a weak ‘hi’ when Noah introduced him. Strange though, Noah’s dad didn’t freak at him, just glared at Dakota and Noah and then told them that they had to go. He couldn’t have missed seeing Noah holding his hand and yet he ignored it, and maybe if it hadn’t been dark Dakota might have seen the blushing red that had crept over Noah’s dad’s face.

Even Arizona managed to keep her tongue still all the way back to the house where Noah’s dad’s car was. They could see a figure inside it and Dakota knew it was Noah’s mom and as he watched Noah climb in, he thought he recognized the lady from somewhere, but he couldn’t be sure. Noah looked like he would spit fire the way he stared at his dad when he was ordered into the car, but he kept his mouth shut. Funny but all Dakota could think of was how much he wished he could just grab Noah by the shoulders and kiss him, knowing too how that would set off WWIII most likely. Still, he couldn’t get the way Noah looked and how sexy it was, and he could feel the effect it was having on him too as Noah disappeared into the back seat of the car.

Arizona had hustled into the house while Noah had said goodbye. Noah’s voice had been thin and taut as he said he’d see Dakota tomorrow and the glare that that brought almost made Dakota flinch but he held his ground, his own eyes staring quietly at the angry man that now stood between him and his other half, Noah. Dakota was surprised to find his father standing at the front entrance too and as Noah climbed into the car, a hound dog look on his face, Dakota was even more surprised to hear his father say goodbye to him, telling him to come back again soon. That too brought a strange look from Noah’s father and yet his own Dad merely stepped down from the porch, walked slowly to where Dakota stood and stood there, by him. He reached out with his hand to shake Noah’s father’s hand who hesitated and then quickly reached back and shook hands. He said a gruff goodbye and climbed hurriedly into the car, which seemed to leap ahead before the door even closed. It felt like he couldn’t get away from the Northwood’s fast enough and yet as he watched the fancy red taillights fade into the darkness, he felt like part of his life was over and a new part was about to begin. He only prayed that it would include Noah.

“You okay boy?”

“Huh? I guess… uh, did they…”

“They know… if that’s what you mean”

“I thought as much”

“Not easy being a parent Dakota”

“Not easy being a queer”

“STOP That! Don’t you use that word! Damn it Dakota, I know it isn’t easy, but we aren’t monsters either, it just… it just takes time”

“Sometimes it takes too long”

Gary Northwood watched as his last remaining son silently walked away from him, heading into the brightly lit house. He could see and even feel his pain as his shoulders were sagging, his head bowed low as he crossed in front of the porch light. He saw him turn his head to stare briefly down the long dusty driveway and he felt the ache his son was feeling as he too turned to stare down that road, only he wasn’t looking for sight of the Collins car, but remembering another road, another long empty driveway.

He heard the screen door slam against the wooden door jam and he flinched a little as his eyes grew moist as he stared down that long dusty road. It wasn’t down that road but one like it that he had sent his eldest boy at first, blind rage in his heart as he had confronted Montana about his being gay. How long ago it was and yet he could hear his own angry words, yelling at Montana, calling him queer, sissy, and many other things that he wished he had never said now. Dakota had been there as had Arizona, maybe if his wife had been home it might not have gotten so loud, so nasty but she had been at work. Now it was too late to change all that had been said, and as much as he knew that Montana had forgiven him, it was his own heart that still wouldn’t let him forget, or allow him to forgive himself.

If asked he wasn’t sure if he could explain it, but Montana had nearly been out of sight down that road, nearly been lost to him when something had broken inside of him, something had managed to get beyond the anger, the disappointment, the rage even and he had grabbed Dakota, pushing him even to run after Montana and bring him back. He could still see Dakota’s frightened face when he had grabbed him by the shirt, yanking him nearly off his feet and pushed him down the road, urging him to run fast and bring his brother back. The look of sudden realization and quick smile had been enough for him because even as Dakota raced down the road, he had turned away and headed for his truck, to go after his son even though the anger still burned inside of him.

After finding his keys and making Arizona wait in the house he had hurried down the driveway and out to find his two boys walking back to the house. Gary had stopped the truck and watched as they slowly made their way down the street towards him oblivious to his presence even. He could see how close they were and he had to admit to himself now that even then he had known that Dakota was gay, just like his older brother but it wasn’t until much later that either of them spoke about it.

He felt like kicking himself as he stared out along the road, knowing how much time had passed and how much he had missed in knowing his sons, and Dakota was right, sometimes time simply ran out before everything could be made right, before everything that needed saying could be said. He had lost that precious time with Montana and it was too late now, but there was still time for Dakota, at least he prayed that there was. His heart was heavy with the fear that resided there, knowing that each time Dakota had sex he was risking his life, risking that very precious life.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed silently, wishing for his boy back, wishing for them both to be back but he knew that could never be, still he wished it could be. The pain inside grew as the darkness enveloped him and he looked out at an empty road, realizing just how empty his own life had become ever since his son had passed away. His own shoulders sagged from the heavy weight of regret that overcame him and he felt like everything he had worked for, everything he had dreamed had vanished with Montana’s passing and yet he knew that wasn’t quite true either. He knew that he still had Dakota, Arizona and their mother but he had to also admit that he had not been a good father or husband since Montana had died.

Slowly he turned from the road and stared at the house, seeing the lights inside blazing out and piercing the darkness and yet even as the glow cast a light outside, he felt lost in a sea of dismal darkness. His heart grew heavier as he heard his daughters voice and then his wife’s but not a sound was Dakota’s. He knew his son, better than Dakota perhaps realized and he knew he was in his room, his head on the pillow and his legs arched upwards as he stared up the ceiling feeling so alone, feeling so empty. His heart cried for his son as he slowly turned and headed towards the fields, quietly moving away from the sounds of the house and from everything else that clamoured for his attention.

Finally he came to the tree and looked up at its tall branches, the rich canopy of green that covered the whole area and with a sigh he began to climb up the trunk of the tree, each step only increasing his pain and reminding him of his losses. His hands reached over the edge and he pulled his legs up and stood there, surveying the wooden floor and the tossed sleeping bags that were still spread out over them. His eyes took it all in, the crumpled mess and rolls of the material and he could smell it too as he breathed in deeply. His eyes stared out across the wide open view and then upwards to the twinkling lights of the stars and he moved over to the edge, sitting down and just like his son had done, he stared out and upwards, wondering what Montana would say, wondering if he was staring down at him right now?

His heart felt like it had ripped open as the tears suddenly came flooding out and his eyes grew misty and cloudy but he didn’t bother to even try to wipe them clear. He sat there crying letting his grief rule his heart and soul at last. His body shook to the terrible sobs of pain that came from deep within and he grew cold as the wind blew around him. His hands shook on his knees that dangled over the edge and he could feel the wooden platform beneath him shiver to his deep sobs and yet all he could think of was Montana and how he had looked those last few days. How his face would glow whenever Dakota walked in to the room, or even when he walked it. He could feel the love then, all which had been said long forgotten as Montana slowly lost his fight with life or did he lose?

Strange but he had never thought about it like that, but did Montana lose or was it that they lost and he won? He was at peace now, no more pain to eat at him, no more struggling to just breathe, and maybe most of all no more need to worry what someone might think. All that was past and he was with the one person who could love him without any strings, without any conditions. Gary cried harder now because he too should have been the one to give Montana that, he too should have never put any conditions on his love for Montana or any of his children, but he wasn’t God, he was just a man, a very stupid man who had paid the ultimate price for his stupidity, he had paid for it with the loss of his son and he was still paying for it now.

Quietly she lowered her head and let herself climb back down the wooden sticks that served as rungs on the huge trunk of the tree. Her face was moist from her own tears as she felt the ground finally beneath her feet. Her husband was finally crying and she knew the pain he was feeling. She leaned against the old trunk and stared up through the heavy branches heaven wards.

“Help him Montana, he loved you so much, help him dear”

She waited at the base of the tree, thinking her own thoughts as the night wore on and as the stars began to wane. The night was old now and she could feel her own age too, realizing that she looked like a woman of 60 instead of her real age of 38. The death of a son and the hollowness it brought did that to a person and her head continued to stare at the ground, knowing that none of them were spared the grief or its effects. Arizona still had her nightmares but true they were a bit less in frequency now, Dakota still cried inside each day and perhaps now even more so what with all that had gone on tonight, and then there was her Gary. The sweet gentle man she had married so long ago and who she still loved with all of her heart. How old he had become, how ancient and brittle he was and yet he was only 42 years old but he lived with the pain of his actions. Oh she knew what had happened, and she knew that Montana had forgiven him for all he had said and done when he first heard about Montana being gay, but he was too honest of a man to just accept that. He was killing himself over it and it frightened her.

Maybe some of this was her fault too, maybe if she had talked about her fears about Montana with Gary more before Montana sprung it on him things might have gone differently. Perhaps if she had only just trusted in Gary more he wouldn’t have reacted the way he had or at least he would have had enough foreknowledge to enable him to wait till she had gotten home. If, a big word when lives were at risk and yet she couldn’t help but feel that she had let her family down.

Gary was up the tree crying, Dakota was off in his room feeling lost and alone again and Arizona was wondering when things would ever go right for them, if maybe they weren’t cursed or something. And her, she had tried to explain things to Noah’s Mom but instead of easing her fears she had only increased them. That was obvious now, given how quickly she and her husband had shown up tonight. God if only she hadn’t talked to her so openly, so honestly maybe Noah would have at least been able to have stayed the night. Maybe that would have helped calm things down for him when he did get home and maybe, just maybe it would have helped Dakota.

There was no doubt that it wouldn’t have changed much, but at least Dakota would have had one night being totally happy. Was that too much to ask she wondered, her eyes glancing upwards towards the sky. As her face turned up she jumped as her husband stood there, staring at her with tears still in rolling down his face. She had been so wrapped up in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard him climb down from the tree.

“How long you been here?”

“Not long, you?”

“Long enough and yet, maybe not long enough”

“Gary… it is going to be okay, give it some time dear”

“Yeah, and what happens when time runs out again Rosie? What then?”

“I don’t know, but we are doing our best, that’ll just have to do”

“I suppose”

“Come on, I’ll make you some tea”

He looked over at her and raised his hand, his finger gently wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye. He stared into her face and he could see his children reflected there. He could see Arizona’s bubbly look, see Dakota’s smile even and there was no mistaking Montana’s soft facial features either, all of it reflected in her and he knew that he was a lucky man to have her and her love. She had given him everything and more than he could ever ask for, it was him who had failed the family and it was up to him to make it right. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, and kissed it, smiling at her and together they headed back to their home.

Nathan Collins

There was something different about Noah and he wasn’t sure what it was either. In some small way it was pleasing to see his son showing some spunk, but if that meant being queer then he would rather he not have that spunk, or would he? Damn it, this was so confusing to him and the anger inside only grew despite his best efforts to control it. For starters what in hell was his wife thinking of when she had known as early as last Tuesday that Noah might be one of them? Why hadn’t she told him before this evening, when it obviously was way too late to stop whatever it was that two guys did from happening?

He knew in his mind exactly what the whole purpose of this weekend had been as soon as she told him about this Dakota kid and about his older brother and everything. Christ didn’t she have a brain and worse, she had driven him to the mall where he was to meet this this queer boy! Nathan wasn’t sure who to be madder at, his wife for not coming to him sooner or his son for letting himself be hoodwinked into thinking he was some damn pansy. In his book they were both on a par but he had to give the nod to his son on making the bonehead play of the year.

There was no way that Noah could be that way, not a chance. Only way it could happen is if that Northwood kid had someone conned Noah into thinking he was queer, but Noah should have known better. The Collins family were all men and so it couldn’t be from his side of the family this crap came from, but then that wasn’t being fair. Her family was just as normal as his, so how in hell could a kid of theirs be queer? It had to be a mistake, a wrong choice by a hormone crazed teenager who was missing a few bricks at the time or something. Christ, he wasn’t stupid so how could he let that Dakota kid con him like this?

As he drove home all he could think of was how to stop this foolishness, and how to get Noah the help he obviously needed. For a few miles he thought that maybe some professional help but he’d be damned if he would walk in to the Doctor’s office and let him know about Noah’s confusion, and you didn’t just flip thru the yellow pages to find a doctor these days, besides he wasn’t sure what his medical would allow. Christ this whole thing was an absolute mess and maybe if his wife had just told him, maybe they could have all this sorted out by now, instead now his whole weekend would be spent trying to work out something, only trouble was what?

He really didn’t have any ideas on this, except that he had to do something. This was his son he was thinking about, and besides, it just wouldn’t go down with his co workers if they ever found out his son had been turned queer. God what a world, you think everything is going perfect, the perfect job, the perfect wife and family, a good son who just needed an occasional push now and then, but all in all everything was perfect, so if it was all so perfect how the fuck did this kind of crap happen? His mind was totally confused as he finally turned off to go down their own street.

He hadn’t really noticed the silence until now and he felt a strange chill in his body as he turned up and into his driveway. The car stopped and he sat there, staring at the neatly painted garage door, the car motor idling as he sat there, his hands glued to the steering wheel and he could feel his wife’s eyes on him, even feel her fear and it shook him a little. She was actually afraid of him and of what he might do, which really he couldn’t maybe blame her for. He had gone off the deep end when she had told him about Noah, had even ranted and raved for several minutes, and he had thrown his jacket and knocked over a chair too. Guess he had gone off the deep end a bit but still, she should know he’d never hurt her, or Noah. That too and as much as this whole queer shit was pissing him off, he loved his son, didn’t his driving all the way out there and bringing him home show that? It wasn’t like he was throwing him out of the house like some others he knew would do, so why should she still be so frightened by him?

Nothing in his life had ever prepared him for this, nothing and he felt lost really as he sat there, trying to figure out all of the strange emotions and thoughts that were racing thru his mind. How could she let him go knowing what might happen? It didn’t make sense and yet too, how could he not have seen Noah’s change over this week? Could he have been working too hard or was he blind? Nathan prided himself on being a good family man, a good husband and father so how could he miss this? How could he not know that his son was facing this identity crisis? It had to be that, didn’t it? No way could he be queer, could he?

Everything was happening so fast he wasn’t sure which way to turn actually, and to be honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he knew the answers to any of this nonsense, if that is what it was. Christ what if Noah really was gay? What would he do about that? Should he practise that tough love doctrine and make him choose his family or his lifestyle choice? God what a mess this was and he felt exhausted, drained totally as he tried to figure out what to do, feeling the stress eating into his strength and his arms were heavy from it and yet not as heavy as his heart seemed to feel. So much to think about and yet there really was no time to think clearly either on which way to go, which way to move to solve this dilemma that threatened his whole family. Nate shook his head as he finally reached down and shut the car motor off, he leaned back in the seat and sighed and then turned to look at his wife’s face.

She was pale and he could see the tears in her eyes and his heart ached for the pain she was feeling. More than that though he could see total fear in her eyes which hurt him. Didn’t she know that nothing could destroy the love he had for her, that his love for her and for Noah would never let him hurt them? Yet, that is exactly what he saw in her face, the fear that he would strike them, or at least strike Noah but he could never do that, didn’t they know that, didn’t they know him?

“We should get inside, the neighbours will start to wonder”

He could feel Noah shift in the backseat and even she seemed to want to say something but neither of them spoke. Instead they both just quietly opened their doors and headed out of the car, not even waiting for him as they walked slowly up the sidewalk to the front door. Nate watched them as they moved towards the house, seeing how dejected she looked and worse, how stiff she was. It was like she was actually bracing herself for a fight of some kind which he understood. He hadn’t exactly been willing to talk rationally or calmly since she broke the news to him, but time had cooled that anger somewhat. Didn’t she understand what all this meant to her and to Noah as well as to him? Couldn’t she see how it would endanger their whole family structure and future? Noah might be too young to realize it, but surely she could, she wasn’t stupid or dumb and in fact he always thought she was far more intelligent and intuitive than he ever could be, yet she didn’t seem to comprehend the ramifications of Noah’s action. Hell she had called it a teenage experimentation that perhaps they should just ignore, which infuriated him at the time.

How could she even think that this was nothing more than some teenager letting his hormones misdirect him? Didn’t she see that by doing what he had set off to do could ruin him for life? Christ if his classmates ever found out he would be ostracized and traumatized for life perhaps. How could she have let him go to that boy’s place and not understand all this? Never mind the risks to his standing with his friends, to their own standing too but what about the health risks involved? For God’s sake he had heard the news reports, had seen the haggard faces of those afflicted by the gay disease, didn’t she understand that it could happen to Noah if they didn’t protect him from it?

The closing of the front door startled him and he realized that they both had gone inside without him. He sighed again and stood up and looked out at the house, and then around at the neighbours houses. He wondered what they would think if they knew that their neighbour’s boy had gone queer? Would they still talk to him, would they still let Noah cut their grass or would they even open their door to him? All of that played in his mind as he trudged up the walk to go inside, to try and make the best out of a worse situation that seemed to only get more horrible with each passing thought. What was he going to say, do?

Rachel Collins

It felt like she was living in a nightmare that wouldn’t end. First the talk with that Dakota’s mother that had started this nightmare, then deciding that she needed to discuss it with Nathan, while they had the time alone, only deepened the nightmare for her. God if she had only known how he would react maybe she would have waited, but that was water under the bridge and yet in some ways she couldn’t really blame him either. To just dump all this on him when he had all those other headaches to deal with. Work, making a decent living for them to exist on, all of that and here she comes and just blurts out that Noah is maybe gay. God what was she thinking and yet what else could she do?

She couldn’t have kept it quiet, least she didn’t think she could and besides, what kind of marriage would it be if she tried to hide this from him? It wasn’t like Nate was a bad person, bit strait-laced and all but that was part of what had attracted her to him. The way he was so focused on life, the way he stuck to a path and didn’t just give up when things got rough or tough. He was a fighter and yet now the very things that had made her fall in love with him angered her a bit and even scared her. Her heart ached as she realized just how terrified she was of him, of what he might do to not just her but to her son.

What was it about men that made them think a good left jabs or right crosses would solve a problem? Was it something to do with all that macho crap they spouted or was it just a gender thing? Were they that insecure that when their masculinity felt threatened they struck out with their fists? Her body shook a little as she saw the hatred on his face, the blind rage that seemed to have overtaken him when she had told him. For a brief instant she felt like he might strike her and she had cowered, slinking out of his way as he tossed his suit jacket across the room, pushing chairs out of his way as he stormed around the house. His voice had become so angry and shrill that she was certain it would bring the police to the house.

In some ways Nathan had a right to be angry with her, as she should have talked to him long before this evening but how could she? She herself wasn’t too certain about it, and she still wasn’t 100% certain that Noah was that way. IF he was, well they would have to find a way to deal with it, but couldn’t he see that first they had to find out if he was or not? Instead he had gone off like some rocket and she didn’t dare try to speak, afraid he would lash out at her even more. Her heart ached at the harsh words he had spoken and even all the time driving to go pick Noah up he hadn’t let up until they finally drew near, only then did he quieten down and become more like the man she had married. The ranting and raving one who had driven them there certainly didn’t remind her of anyone she knew. He was like a totally different person who in some ways she could understand but in other ways it only angered her and scared her. This was their son, couldn’t he see that? Did he have to go on about neighbours, classmates, and work when the whole thing could have been a simple misunderstanding? Why did he have to go off like he had? Was he really like that angry person who pushed chairs across the room or was he the man who held her and told her she smelt nice? Which was he?

It was all confusing to her. Everything she had ever dreamed of he had given her and more too. He loved her and never forgot a birthday, anniversary or anything, hell he even remembered their first date and what they had done so how could that person change so rapidly just from hearing that their son might be gay? How could that same sweet caring man turn into the raving lunatic that had stormed around their house for a good hour before even calming down enough to speak to?

When they had driven up to the Northwood home she had seen the surprise on Mrs Northwood’s face, and yet it was almost as if she sort of expected them. She had a look of sadness too when Nathan had firmly asked where his son was and gotten the answer that he was out on the property with Dakota. The cries that came suddenly to them had made Nathan’s face go white, as chalk and even Mr Northwood looked frightened as they heard that primal cry that was their son’s voice. She felt the pain that tore into her heart at that sound and she could feel Nate stiffen. She worried he would strike out but he surprised her by his almost normal voice. He didn’t fool her though, she could hear the anguish in it and even the anger too as he asked if they would be kind enough to point out where Noah was. Mr Northwood had sent his daughter out to get them, asking if they’d like to come inside and for a moment or two the two men locked eyes.

It was strange to see them stare at each other, to see the flash of fire even that passed between them both with no words being spoken. Her husband’s breathing was rapid as he stood there, his fists balled at his side but other than that he looked perfectly at ease, perfectly normal and yet, it wasn’t normal. The whole situation had been unreal and the sounds of Noah’s voice along with another’s had only made her shiver in fear as she wondered what Nathan would do, what he would say and yet despite her fears he didn’t do anything. He was polite, courteous even and yet she could feel the underlying tension.

Opening the door to their home she could feel the resentment coming from her son and yet he too had surprised her. There was something different about him since she had dropped him off earlier and she wondered if maybe they were looking at this whole gay thing wrong? Could it be good for Noah in some weird way or was it just that she wanted to avoid this whole issue? There was no denying that Nathan was confused about it too and hurt even. That kind of surprised her because while it certainly could create problems, it wasn’t like Noah went out to become gay just to hurt Nathan or her, at least she didn’t think he did. Maybe it was just that they didn’t really understand this behaviour, maybe if they could discuss it rationally they might find that Noah was just being a typical teenager, just experimenting with sex like some kids experimented with hairstyles? That could be it couldn’t it and yet even as she kept trying to make it that way, deep down inside she knew it was something serious, something that frightened her husband and honestly, frightened her too.

She opened the door and walked inside, seeing the dining room chair still on its side and she felt that same fear rising up again, wondering what would happen next. Her heart ached from all this and to be honest she felt a bit of resentment at Noah for being the cause of it all and yet she knew that wasn’t fair, wasn’t just but it was how she felt. Her whole mind felt confused and clouded by the rapid change in her family, from Noah being gay to the violent reaction of her husband and there was also her own actions. How could she have kept this from Nate? That wasn’t like her and as she stood in the entrance way, she felt the confusion holding her immobile as her son came and looked at the mess in the house and then without even saying a word began to head towards his bedroom.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room”

“I think you should wait here for your father”

“What for?”

“Because I think he will want to talk to you, so do I”

The turned over chairs and way the room looked had surprised him and he felt a strange fear inside, wondering if his own father would dare to strike him or if he had hit her? As angry as he was with her he still worried that maybe his dad had lost it. Carefully he searched her face for any signs that his dad had hit her but he couldn’t find any, relieved by that at least. Inside he wondered what he would do though if his dad did strike him or lash out at his mother? Would he fight back or would he just take it? He wished he knew what to do or say but all he could think about was how he wanted to be with Dakota and how his parents were trying to deny him what he needed, what he wanted.

“Talk? Looks like he did plenty of that earlier”

“Knock that off Noah, your father uh, he uh, he was upset by the news, it is perfectly natural, given the situation”

“Situation? What situation is that mother? That I am gay?”

She couldn’t believe his flippancy, the way he stood his ground and spoke to her. It was like he was someone else and not the boy she had raised for the last 16 years. Whatever had happened with that Dakota boy had changed him, but if she was honest, the changes she was seeing now had started to show earlier on, after that first night. He was changing and she wasn’t quite sure what to make of those changes or even if they were changes that she wanted to see. Her son was growing up, but growing up to become what?

“Now Noah, don’t say that, how can you be… I mean you are only 16, you are just a boy, you can’t…”

“Can’t know what I am? Who I am? Is that what you and dad think? That this is just some phase?”

“Noah please, let us try to keep calm, go sit down and I’ll get us some drinks while your father gets uh, while he, uh…”

“Figures out what to do about his queer son?”

The sound of his son’s voice saying ‘that’ word only infuriated him as he stood there, listening to them and he wondered what it was that had happened to the nice loving family he thought he had? Everything was all jumbled up, all topsy turvy as he came more into the room, his voice suddenly cutting through the room’s stillness, making everyone turn towards him.

“Noah! Don’t talk to your mother in that tone”

Neither of them had heard him come inside nor heard the door open or close so he had startled them. Her face was white like he had thought and as he stood there, the anger inside of him was fighting for dominance with the pride too. He had never seen his son stand up like this before, never before seen the defiance that simply glowed from him as it did right now. He had changed and part of him was glad and yet whenever he thought that way, he would suddenly realize what was causing that defiance. His anger still held him hostage and yet his mind was so muddled, so unsure that the voices inside were nothing but a jumbled mess. He didn’t know which way to turn, which course to take.

Noah’s face was filled with rage and anger as he glared at his father. His eyes were dark and ominous as he just stared at him, then in a strange and calm action he turned and walked past his mother without even looking at her. He went to the living room and sat in the big armchair off to one side of the long sofa. His eyes didn’t look right or left as he just looked towards the sofa, waiting it seemed and yet in its own way, showing his total defiance to them. Nathan couldn’t believe it and as the anger rose up inside of him his eyes glanced over at the fallen chair, feeling a sudden sense of shame that overwhelmed him.

He moved hesitantly into the room, stopping briefly by his wife’s side and looked deeply into her eyes. He could see her fear clearly and it troubled him as he managed a wan smile to her, touching her arm briefly with a softness that seemed to surprise her. He then moved past the room towards the dining area where he picked up the fallen chair and placed it back in its proper spot. He then turned around to stare at his wife and at the glaring face of his son.

“Rachel, would you mind making some coffee please?”

She was stunned by his calm voice and by the way he was looking at her. It was almost as if he was trying to apologize to her and she even thought she saw something in his face that only made her heart tremble. It was like he was feeling guilty and ashamed of his actions, and for a moment or two all she could think of was how much she loved him, how much she needed him and wanted him to just hold her. Yet as much as she wanted to just fall into his arms, she knew that they would first have to confront this evening. Her heart grew frightened as she wondered if this was merely the calm before the real storm hit or worse?

With an uncertainty of what lay ahead, she nodded and headed towards the kitchen, wondering what had changed because something had. His anger was still there, she could see it in his face still and yet it wasn’t really the same. It was more like he was angry at himself more than her or Noah and as she entered the kitchen she heard him begin to talk to Noah, a further surprise to her as she could hear how soft and calm his voice was, yet it was filled with a pain she couldn’t begin to quite fathom.

“Guess you are pretty pissed at me right now, aren’t you Noah?”

Noah swallowed and stared at his father, the man suddenly transformed from the silent angry man to someone who looked liked he was about to break down and cry. It confused him as he wondered what would happen, as he wondered if the man he called ‘dad’ was going to beat him or throw him out and then this? It was confusing as he sat there, wishing Dakota was here with him, hoping that whatever did happen tonight that he could keep his word, that he would find a way to once more be with Dakota.