Story - The Lottery (1)

May 19, 2008 · Filed Under Erotic Fiction · 1 Comment

Table of contents for The Lottery

The Lottery

Part 1

Paul threw his satchel on the sofa as he came into the living room. His head ached from another day trying to impart some wisdom into the heads of his students, but he doubted if he managed to even make a dent in their thick heads. They really didn’t have the passion for it as he did, well maybe make that as he once did. Even he was feeling rather disappointed in his beloved constitution, but then that was maybe just due to his lack of sleep.

It was already nearing time for the Christmas break and since July he rarely had slept thru the entire night. He just couldn’t get past reliving those few weeks in July when he had stayed up at Tommy’s house at the River. Funny, how something inconsequential could wind up haunting you for weeks or months even. Maybe he was simply losing it or more likely he was just feeling his age.

He had celebrated his 60^th birthday back then, realizing too that at 60 he didn’t feel like he had really done much. Oh he had his degree, was a tenured professor of Constitutional Law at one of the nations top law schools and yet he felt unfulfilled. He glanced around at the neatly placed furniture, the glass dining table off in one corner, the huge picture screen television taking up one entire wall of his top floor apartment. Still while he had the material things he didn’t feel like he had anything else.

There had been that one brief romance, but that was now nearing almost 20 years ago. Third of his life was gone without him, and he had to admit, he still missed Jason. Hell he still got angry at him for dieing, and then too he also got sad at the loss. He was the one, the one who would have made his life complete and even though Jason had died nearly 20 years ago, he sill found himself thinking of him, well at least until last July. Then ‘he’ came into Paul’s life and the worse thing about it was he didn’t even know who ‘he’ was. Shit he didn’t even know the guy’s name or anything about him but still the chance encounter had done something to him.

His whole body would get warm and tingly just recalling that first sighting of him. Now his nights were haunted by those brief and distant glances. Nothing he could do seemed to stop the dreams from coming to him. It was almost as if some strange force had decided to punish him for his own reticence.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to get up off the beach the instant he had seen the tall young blonde man, but he was too set in his ways. Well okay, if he was really honest it wasn’t that, it was simply that he was out of touch with how to do it. He hadn’t dated or talked really to any stranger for years. Sure he had met a few online but they were off in space for all he knew. This was different and yet in some ways the same.

Ever since Jason had died from complications due to AIDS back in the mid 80’s, he had rarely gone out to the bars or clubs. He had his circle of friends then more or less but even then he had never really been a social animal. Jason had been perhaps the one exception to the story of his life. Somehow, he had found himself meeting him, talking to him when normally he would only converse with those he knew. It had been too swift, too quick and yet there were the memories.

He could still see the way Jason’s eyes would light up when something good had happened, or how his face would pucker up when he was upset. Nothing could erase those memories or the way he felt each time they had held hands and just simply strolled down the Castro. Nothing could take that away and yet even now, as he walked softly into the kitchen to see what was in the fridge, he could feel Jason’s breathe on his cheek, the warmth of his hand in his own and he shivered a bit. Did he believe in ghosts or was it simply his advancing years that had made him so introspective lately?

Paul felt a small tremble in his legs as he stared at the open fridge, wondering if he’d heat up the chicken thigh or not and yet while his mind pondered the choices, he felt the tugging of his heart. It was almost as if he was witnessing a battle of wills between two adamant forces. His mind was desperate to focus on the mundane, the normal while his heart was equally determined to not let that happen. It felt really like part of him that had been dormant for years was suddenly pushing to get out.

Damn ‘him’ whoever he was, he thought as he slammed the fridge door. If he hadn’t seen him, if he hadn’t kept staring none of this would be happening to him. His heart would be quiet and he could continue in his quest for simple peace. Now he was feeling tormented by the tall stranger’s face, his longish dirty blonde hair that dangled near his broad shoulders. It wasn’t that this stranger was some chiselled hunk but he was built with the right proportions. His head had a strange familiar shape to it, the nose just perfect and from what he had seen, the man had very thin lips that he wished he could touch.

Sitting down at his dining table, Paul stared out the window across to the park down below. There were two men walking across the open field holding hands and his heart began to ache. God he wished Jason was here, if only he hadn’t died, but then life was full of ‘what ifs’. If this hadn’t happened, if this had was something he hated doing and yet lately it seemed to be all he did. If he had only gotten up the nerve to stand up and meet that stranger, if only he had not gone to the beach that day, if only he hadn’t spent the last 20 years mourning his loss. God if only he could get past all this but there he went again, ‘if only’.

The summer and early fall had been bad enough with the constant dreams of that man, now it was intruding on his thoughts while awake as well. He had tried sleeping pills and still the dreams would come. Still he would see that tall figure slowly walking at the water’s edge. His head constantly turning not to look up at the people on the beach but at the water. Maybe it was that which had first made him notice him, but he wasn’t certain.

There was something about how he walked, his feet moving slowly but methodically along the sand. His legs were long and from the distance looked baby smooth. Only the darkness around the ankles where the water lapped did he see the darker colour which showed that the man had fine hair along his legs. That in itself had been more than enough to pique his interest but it didn’t stop there. The man wore the same coloured khaki shorts that ended just above the knees. The legs run upwards to a what appeared to be a full torso that wasn’t chiselled but it didn’t look flabby either.

He hadn’t been wearing a shirt then and come to think of it, Paul realized that he only saw him that way for the entire two weeks that he had been blessed, or was it cursed, with the image of the solitary man walking along the beach. He knew he was heading back into his dreams and it was only 6 at night but he just didn’t care. At least in the dreams he had the nerve to approach the man, at least in the dreams he spoke to him and found a man worth knowing. Maybe that was the problem because in reality he doubted if anyone like that would even give him the time of day, let alone spend hours talking about life, about work, about anything.

To be honest it was that certain knowledge that had held him glued to the beach instead of letting him jump up and race down to meet the man. If only he had done that but he hadn’t so why couldn’t he shake that man’s image from his memory? Why had it become so insistent that he felt like he was being consumed by it? Even driving to work or coming home he would find his eyes glancing at the cars passing him by to see if he could spot him. It was almost worse than a drug addiction he thought as he pulled the day’s newspaper open to stare at the headlines. Dinner once more forgotten as his mind continued to battle with the obsessive memories coming from deep within.

Even work no longer appealed to him and he had found his mind wandering during the lectures. All he could think about was this strange young looking man. He never even really had a good close up look of him, afraid maybe that he would notice and yet he knew inside that the man had. It was almost as if they had met but from a distance. No words were exchanged, not even a nod or glance but their eyes had met. It seemed that was enough to torment him ever since and Paul quickly grasped the edges of the newspaper. He was not going to let the pained look on the man’s face, the brooding glare of his eyes intrude any more. So he thought as he stared down at the day’s headlines, realizing just how much he was feeling on edge.

There was no specific issue or reason, just that for some time he felt not empty really, just more incomplete. It was like something was missing from him, a part of him had vanished and again the anger and sorrow came to him. Why had it had to happen to Jason? They had talked about life together, about sharing retirement and of even sharing more. Hell Paul had even broached the topic of adoption once or twice. The way Jason’s face had lit up at the idea was still something that warmed his heart. If only he had lived, maybe then Paul wouldn’t be feeling this alone, this empty?

His body sagged a little against the back of the chair as he flipped thru the day’s events. Another death in Iraq, another supposed threat and more corporate profits for friends of those in power. It never ended and yet even as he stared at the rhetoric about another court challenge to the recall petition he knew that none of it really interested him anymore. Constitutional issues no longer drew him, no longer fuelled his spirit or ignited his soul. It all was routine now, dull and beyond his interest.

Again the image of that man walking along the water’s edge, kicking listlessly at the sand tore into his heart. That made him cringe, made him ponder life now instead of the law, instead of the world around him. He felt the ache in his heart as he turned the pages towards the lottery results from last night’s big lottery. It was at 80 million and like most people he had been playing it for some time. It felt good to dream about winning it but he knew inside that would never be. He just wasn’t lucky enough or blessed, whichever way you wanted to look at it. Still, what he could do with that kind of money would certainly go a long way to easing some of his dissatisfaction.

His eyes finally focused on the list of numbers as he mouthed each one. They seemed so familiar but then they usually did until he actually took his ticket out to check. He had come close once, he had two numbers then but close didn’t count. His ticket was on the table and he leaned forward to grab it, seeing the notice that there had been one winning ticket according to the lottery agency. He hoped whoever the lucky bugger was that he would enjoy the money, only wished that he was him.

Taking the ticket he sat it next to the dark numbers on the paper, running his finger over each of his own numbers while his eyes followed back and forth, checking to see just how far off he was. Trouble this time though was that he was so befuddled, so obsessed with the guy from the summer that he was reading the same numbers. He shook his head to try and clear the fog so he could really see how many numbers he was off.

His heart began to tremble a little as he bent down closer, his mind refusing to accept the verdict from his eyes. The first number matched, then the second number, then the third, and on it went. He leaned back in the chair wiping his eyes, blinking several times as if he might have something in them that made him misread the numbers. Quickly he pulled his glasses out, the reading specs, and once more he slowly began to check the numbers. Yes, the first one was the same, so was the second and third and fourth and now his heart began to pound in his chest. It was impossible but no matter what he did, the numbers on his ticket matched those listed on the paper.

Surely it had to be wrong. Maybe the paper had made a mistake but then he knew that couldn’t be. The paper may get a lot of things wrong, like who said what or exactly what happened where, but they never got the lottery numbers wrong or missed the comics. It was like those two areas were sacred or something. Still he couldn’t have the winning numbers, it wasn’t his luck but there it was. The numbers on his ticket were the same as those in the paper.

Two things struck him. One was that it couldn’t be true, that those weren’t the real numbers. Second was that he could now perhaps find out who that guy was that had captured his imagination and had lain siege to his thoughts. Funny how in one instant he didn’t think it could happen and in the other split second was already spending the money on a hopeless quest. He had to be losing it as he took the ticket and headed to his computer. There was one sure way to know if the numbers were right, he’d check the numbers at the lottery agency website.

Mere minutes later he was sitting back in the chair. His heart was no longer echoing in his ears and he could feel the sweat cooling as it slowly dried. His screen just stared at him, the list of numbers still burning brightly before him as he sat there. His ticket had those numbers, not one or two but every blessed one of them. He was that lucky son of a bitch and yet his mind still found it impossible to accept.

Everything he had always wanted, dreamed of having now was there in front of him. He could have it all now without any worry. Even if he took the payout and after taxes he’d be left with at least 35 million dollars. More than enough for him and for all he wanted. Yet even as he thought about all the nice new toys he could have, that damn image of ‘him’ floated around it all. More than that he could see the face almost as if he was at the beach. He could see the pain etched in the face, the way the mouth was drawn tightly together, the way the eyes brimmed with grief of some kind. He had thought that maybe he had lost a lover, or someone but then he knew in his heart it was something else. Now here he was, on the very precipice of a new life and all he could think about was this guy. Wondering how he could find him and worse, knowing that now he might stand a chance of him actually being interested. Thirty Five million or so would make anyone seem attractive and he hated himself for thinking that way.

Just like it had been all month long, his mind quickly switched from ‘him’ to Jason. The one real fight that they had ever had had been about just that very thought. Jason had gotten quite indignant actually when it had come up. He just didn’t understand how Paul could think of himself that way and yet he did. Maybe it was from not being outgoing as a kid or always being the ‘brain’ in school. Whatever it was he never really believed that he could attract anyone on his looks, personality, or intelligence. It would drive Jason mad and yet Paul just couldn’t accept it. He just didn’t believe it, and even now, so long afterwards he still wondered what it was that Jason had seen in him.

Now here he was, a winner of a huge sum of money and all he could think of was that maybe now he stood a chance with some guy he had never spoken to, never gotten within ten feet of? Maybe now he stood a chance of finding him? He had to be going crazy or maybe it was just that he was reaching that age when life ahead seemed so short. Whatever it was he knew that he was going to be in for some changes which held him firmly in the chair. Change was not something Paul relished, good or bad didn’t matter, he just didn’t like change.

After over an hour of staring at the numbers on the screen he finally summoned the courage to reach out and turn the machine off. He looked down at the ticket and quickly put his name on the back so no one else could cash it. It was his and he still couldn’t quite believe that maybe at last, things were going in a good direction. Paul rolled the chair back and stood up, feeling wobbly at the knees but slowly he kept to his feet. His heart ached and his mind was still in shock actually as he stared around the room. It was his home but it was now just a room, just an apartment. He knew he wouldn’t have to compromise now, that he could have the home of his dreams but he also knew that before he did anything he would have to get some safety precautions in place.

By his side of the bed stood the two silver framed photographs. The one of his parents made him smile as he looked down at it. He felt a small twinge of regret that they weren’t alive to help enjoy this windfall but they had had a good life. At least they were together now and it was then that his eyes moved to the other photograph. There was Jason’s face staring out at him. His eyes were a smouldering blue colour that the picture had captured and he had that thin curl to his lips, the almost laughing look.

Why did you have to die?

Paul’s eyes misted as his voice echoed in the empty bedroom and his thoughts turned to what if, to if only Jason had lived. How much more this windfall would mean something if only, but it hadn’t happened then, it happened now. He wiped the tears from his face and moved towards the phone. There was a lot he needed to set in motion and the first step was to get a hold of Tommy and then a lawyer. After that, well perhaps a nice long trip would be in order, a chance for him to escape the carnival atmosphere that would evolve once his circle found out about his winnings. God he could see it all now, see how Mark would be constantly hanging around, how some of the others would suddenly be phoning him every night, wanting something or other. No, a trip would at least minimize that headache.

He sat on the edge of the bed, the picture of Jason in his hands as he tried to think, tried to accept that his life had just taken a major shift. There was fear, panic even that was trying to grab his attention and yet the only power that was attracting his attention was the fear that even with all this new found wealth, he might not be able to once more see ‘him’. His head ached but so did his heart as he sat there, the image of one lost love clutched tightly in one hand, the image of another dancing in his head.

What perhaps was bizarre was that Jason didn’t look anything like him. Jason had been short and lithe in body. He on the other hand seemed taller, more well built in body structure and there was no mistaking the solid torso or long legs either. Jason had a rather shortness to his look, not that he really was all that short, but he had short cut hair, thin eyebrows, and short wiry hairs where it all matted together. Strange, he had felt such devotion and love with Jason and now he could only think of this stranger.

At first his mind had rebelled, trying to guilt him into pushing him aside but it hadn’t worked. In his heart he knew that Jason would approve of him moving on, would encourage it if he could even. That notion suddenly made him start and he sucked in his breath a little as he realized that maybe in some strange way Jason had. The ticket was once more pulled out and he stared down at the numbers. There was his birth date, Jason’s, and the date they had met. They had formed the core, and it had been the first time he had elected to play those sets of numbers. Normally he simply took a quick pick but when buying the ticket, something had made him alter his routine of the last ten years. Something had given him the urge to simply choose a set of numbers and there they were, staring at him as if maybe they really were trying to tell him something. The final number had been Jason’s age when he had passed away. It all fit but while his mind said it was merely random chance, deep in his heart he wondered if that was true? Could it be a sign?

Strange really how suddenly everything around him seemed so different. It was almost like he was now looking from outside at his life and what had once meant something no longer seemed to look all that important. Other things that hadn’t really meant or seemed important now appeared to take on a whole new meaning for him. The bed would go to his new place, new mattress perhaps but the frame would stay. Jason had helped him pick it out and his hand ran over the brass tubing of the headboard. As it did he could remember the bright afternoons that they had spent shopping for it and as the memories came to him, he realized that most of those days weren’t really sunny but to him they were. It was confusing and then not as he realized that just being with Jason had given him a whole different outlook on life.

It had been an outlook that had lasted longer than Jason’s own life had perhaps. Maybe that was his trouble? Maybe those memories were fading or perhaps it was simply that he hadn’t found any new ones to add to the collection? Could that be why his heart latched onto him so quickly and so fervently? Was it a desire to simply stop the day to day existence and to once more go out and experience life? Could it be that all this was some plan or some cosmic inspiration designed to get him off his ass and out living again?

Right at this second in time he suddenly wished he hadn’t taken Philosophy or been so engrossed in it. Maybe if he simply went with the flow more life would have been different since Jason had passed away, or would it have been? Even as a teenager he had never really been an extrovert, more of a loner who enjoyed reading, loved listening to music but he also enjoyed sitting out and watching a sunset or sunrise. The last time he had done that had been days before Jason had passed on. They had moved the bed to the window and had lain there together, holding hands just enjoying that beautiful sunrise over the city.

It was so amazing really. Here he was decades later and he could still feel the sun’s rays warming his face as they lay there, still feel the awe of watching the golden beams reflecting off roof tops that were now long replaced by newer and taller ones. Strange how the heart could hold all that and yet he had barely ever glanced at the skyline since. Yet in his heart he could see it all as if it was just this morning. Jason had made him do things he had never really done since entering college.

They had taken walks along the various parks, holding hands when they could, watching to see who was approaching or looking before stealing a kiss here and there. Now of course it was common in most areas of the city but still you could see how some would look first, wondering if it was safe. Jason had done that, and then near the end he had stopped doing it. He would just reach out and kiss Paul on the cheek no matter who was around. He had known then that his time was limited but he refused to live the secret life.

It had been hard for Paul to see Jason push himself as he went to meetings, went to fund raisers and rallies. Jason had become an activist in his last years and he dragged Paul with him. All that was gone now, and yet in his heart Paul wished he hadn’t let that part of his life lapse. The fire that it put in Jason’s eyes had been worth the effort, had been worth the fear and trepidation. It was almost as if Jason was reborn for those last months and yet when he had died, all of that had gone too. Paul sat there wondering if perhaps he had failed Jason by not keeping up with the protests, with the rallies, with the activism. Still, it wasn’t him or was it? His love for the constitution and politics would say otherwise but that too seemed gone now.

A deep sigh escaped his lips as he carefully put Jason’s picture back on his night table. He lightly pressed a finger to his lips and then to Jason’s face. Whatever else had gone on around them he knew that he had loved Jason and he knew too that Jason had loved him. Could he ever have that again he thought? Perhaps, and for what it was worth, his heart seemed to think so just as Jason had as well.

Well Jason, I sure as hell hope you were right.

Paul reached out for the phone to call Tommy. It was time he started to get things organized and he knew his long time friend and accountant would have to be the starting point. A new life lay before him which terrified him but maybe it was time that he stopped being safe. The voice on the other end of the phone brought his mind away from the smiling face in the photograph and back to the present.

Tommy, Paul here. I think I need to have you come over if you can, uh, yes now please. I know, it is late but well, you’ll understand when you get here. No, no, I am fine, more than fine, but I’ll explain when you get here.

He put the phone down and then went to the computer where he pulled up the directory for San Francisco. He quickly moved to the listing for detective agencies and began to jot down a few numbers as he waited for Tommy. Life was never going to be the same for him as he smiled a little to himself, ignoring the rumbling of his stomach and the whining of his mind. At least he would try to find him.

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